Treasured find---maybe. Sense of humor---a must. -- ARTISTRY IN POETRY

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Date Posted: 02:57:52 03/10/09 Tue
Author: INU (happy)
Subject:

Treasured find---maybe. Sense of humor---a must.

Electric fences and a lawnmower

Thought ya’ll should read this in case you’re thinking of installing an electric fence! We have a standard 6ft fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle changer Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft long ground rod, drove 7.5 ft into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gig volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my testicles trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downward and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot poop and pee at the same time…I beg to differ. Not only did I do all at once. But my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back.

It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big Chevy turning 8 grand…

At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences…but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever they were like 9 volts and just kind of tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8-foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perm damp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man-up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

Damn! I think, as I remember, I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop and pee, and with my testicles on my chest, I think ‘Oh God please die…Pleeeeeze die!’ but nooooo, it settles into a rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.

So here I am, in the middle of summer, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day…he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire…I woke up laying on t eh ground hours alter. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was alter on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had lain while I was on the ground still holding it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrical induced sleep, I realized a few things.

1) Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2) I now have cramps in the bottom of my feet and my right butt cheek. (not the left, just the right)
3) Poop and pee when mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4) My left eye will not open.
5) My right eye will not close.
6) The lawnmower runs like a spotted ape now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7) My testicles are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8) I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4. (still don’t understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over.

*********************************************
This was wrote Anonymously.

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Mua hah ah ah ah aah ah ahah h ah ahahahahahahahaha -- BootSector (cracking), 01:26:15 03/11/09 Wed

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>Electric fences and a lawnmower > >Thought ya’ll should read this in case you’re thinking >of installing an electric fence! We have a standard >6ft fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I >heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the >entire city. > >To make sure this never happened to me, I got an >electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of >the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle changer >Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then >used an 8 ft long ground rod, drove 7.5 ft into the >ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you >have in the ground, the better the fence works. > >One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo >Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is >broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact >that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower >around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw >it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn’t >remembered to unplug it after all. > >Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower >in my right hand and the 1.7 gig volt fence wire in >the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the >size of a marine battery and has a picture of an >upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood >still. The first thing I notice is my testicles trying >to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled >downward and I could feel the lawnmower ignition >firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that >Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark >in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It >seems as though the fence charger and the POS >lawnmower were fighting over who would control my >electrical impulses. > >Science says you cannot poop and pee at the same >time…I beg to differ. Not only did I do all at once. >But my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than >half a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, >where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned >back. > >It seemed like there were minutes in between but in >reality it was so close together it was like exhaust >pulses from a big Chevy turning 8 grand… > >At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) >into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped >around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up >on a farm so I know all about electric fences…but Dad >always had those POS chargers made by International or >whoever they were like 9 volts and just kind of >tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8-foot long >ground rod is now accepting signals from me through >the perm damp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this >point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man-up >and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. > >Damn! I think, as I remember, I just filled the tank! >Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has >settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some >kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop >and pee, and with my testicles on my chest, I think >‘Oh God please die…Pleeeeeze die!’ but nooooo, it >settles into a rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains >there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting >for the go command from its owner’s right foot. > >So here I am, in the middle of summer, 104 degrees, >80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God >to kill me. God did not take me that day…he left me >there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery >my own stupidity had created. > >I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire…I >woke up laying on t eh ground hours alter. The >lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was alter on >in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large >dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then >another long skinny dead spot were the wire had lain >while I was on the ground still holding it. I assume I >finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing >had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my >electrical induced sleep, I realized a few things. > >1) Three of my teeth seem to have melted. >2) I now have cramps in the bottom of my feet and my >right butt cheek. (not the left, just the right) >3) Poop and pee when mixed together, do not smell as >bad as you might think. >4) My left eye will not open. >5) My right eye will not close. >6) The lawnmower runs like a spotted ape now. >Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some >carbon fouling or something, because it was better >than new after that. >7) My testicles are still smaller than average yet >they are almost a foot long. >8) I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting >while thinking of the number 4. (still don’t >understand this?) > >That day changed my life. I now have a newfound >respect for things. I appreciate the little things >more, and now I always triple check to make sure the >fence is unplugged before I mow. > >The good news is that if a burglar does try to come >over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my >security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a >warm and fuzzy feeling all over. > >********************************************* >This was wrote Anonymously.
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