VoyForums

VoyUser Login optional ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1234[5] ]


[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 12:37:31 03/06/06 Mon
Author: laugh N tears
Subject: Re: A new life
In reply to: O1iver 's message, "A new life" on 11:46:06 02/20/06 Mon

>I have no voice, no vision nor mind
>I lost the purpose for who I am
>soul-less, I walk by empty time
>Without such things I am no man.
>The widow left and rested smiles
>she lives beyond my reach
>My heart has searched a million miles
>to drink the nectar of lover's peach.
>
>I've welted to the will of fate
>I've giving into destiny
>Letting go of hope to late
>Have I lost my precious yesterday?
>My life, like the mist from a waterfall
>drifts aimlessly towards God's design
>Would it be, this, my call
>A new life to find.
>
>A wakening has come to me
>resurrecting my empty bones
>with new inspiration I've come to see
>a life, not lived alone.
>I'll cherish all my yesterday's
>by living will and free
>for love has come again, my way
>and I've found a life for me.

Okay, so this wasn't to bad, but it wasn't that good either. What I mean is that it could have been much better and your verse seems forced at certain points.
You leave out punctuations and place them where they may not be necessary.
I could go on and on about your poem but I will say only that it is the better of what I have read so far. BUT, that is not saying much.
I hope you are not easily offended because I am only giving a true perspective on your work. remember, positive criticism can only make you a better writer.

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

VoyUser Login ] Not required to post.
Post a public reply to this message | Go post a new public message
* Notice: Posting problems? [ Click here ]
* HTML allowed in marked fields.
Message subject (required):

Name (required):

  Expression (Optional mood/title along with your name) Examples: (happy, sad, The Joyful, etc.) help)

  E-mail address (optional):

* Type your message here:

Choose Message Icon: [ View Emoticons ]

Notice: Copies of your message may remain on this and other systems on internet. Please be respectful.


Forum timezone: GMT-5
VF Version: 2.94, ConfDB:
Before posting please read our privacy policy.
VoyForums(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems.
Copyright © 1998-2008 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved.