| Subject: Re: I AM MARRIED TO AN ADDICT! PLEASE HELP!! |
Author:
TG
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Date Posted: 01:57:28 01/10/04 Sat
In reply to:
AlisMalice
's message, "Re: I AM MARRIED TO AN ADDICT! PLEASE HELP!!" on 16:48:58 12/28/03 Sun
It is 1:39 AM and he went out to get a movie from blockbuster at 9:00pm. the cycle is so familiar,did anyone see groundhog day. i keep waking up to the same day and the same unfolding of the same dramas and heartache and the predictableness of it now, is so surprising but not. why don't i just leave? i get the disease stuff, I get the way that coke changes brains, i get the bipolar stuff, the self medicating, the self loathing, the abyss that he stares into, the desperation to keep normalcy, the belief that the boys (7 and 3) and i are the only real, worthwhile things in his life. but what about me and the boys? what about me? someone said earlier that they could feel a better way of living so much that they could taste it. yep. that is me, too but he will fall apart. is that my responsibility. i am not scared of responsibility, i am keeping it together the best way i can. the money never comes home, the lies, who knows where he is what he is doing, am I supposed to have sex with him when I don't know what he does until 7:00 AM in the morning? it is 4 degrees outside, he rushed out so fast he forgot his keys. can i lock him out? wherever he is why can't he stay? i threw him out before and it was hard but also peaceful. the boys want their dad but do they need him when this is the life? i don't want to be blamed later for not leaving when I should have. the screaming and fighting when he is not high, when he is manic or not, the boys chew on their clothes and shit in their pants and i think, he has got to go: they are first. am I selfish? he is ill. will he hurt me? he just might, the rage and the red eyes and dry mouth and the shaking fists as he advances and I have an order of protection that allows me to put him out if he threatens or if he uses drugs again, which is has done at least three times this week that I am sure of and I am pretty sure he is getting high every day now. I wish he would go into a program 28 days or something. can i force him? maybe through the court. maybe throw him out again and the boys and I sleep together as he rages into the answer machine, cursing, crying, begging to be let back home. i take my paxil everyday and he notices as i notice that he does not take his lexapro and wellbutrin at all. he owes the psych $2500 so he is not seeing anyone, i doubt he goes to groups or meetings like he claims. I can't sleep and can't eat, the boys need me and when he is okay he is all laughs and gifts and wrestling with the boys. i sleep in the bed with him and it is like sleeping next to an electrical current. i guess i know what I have to do but it was so hard and hard on the boys but i don't think things will get better, i really don't. this will be three years, two miscarriages, one federal tax lien, one foreclosure proceedings, i am making myself tired, sometimes too tired to pray but I pray and talk and mumble and try to figure it out. this board is good. i wish there was an answer other than just leave him but that sounds so, so, good to me right now.
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