| Subject: My life married to a heroin addict |
Author:
Krissy
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Date Posted: 23:27:20 01/14/04 Wed
Ok, this is a long story, I have been with this guy and thru all of his ups and downs for almost 5 years now. I dont even know where to start, here we go. I met Jimmy when I was 15 yrs old (Im now almost 27). We fell in love right away of course and were together for about 2 1/2 years. Until I noticed his change and lots of stuff missing from my dads house, but I was too young and in love with him to realize what was going on. Shortly after I had found out he was a crack addict. We ended up splitting up and it was very hard for me to get over, but eventually I moved on and about 5 years had gone by before I ever saw him again. I had a 10 month old son from a previous relationship when I had met up w/ Jimmy again, by accident. I happened to drive thru the old neighborhood cant even say why but I did not even knowing he was still around, and there he was... about a day or 2 after we were back together, and I was very happy and he was too. The day I brought him home again, I will never forget my dads face... So everything was good, he seemed to have matured and been clean, him and my son were getting along good. A couple of times before we had moved in together, he had showed up at my apt, drunk I mean drunk, and I didnt see it then, didnt think nothing of it. We moved in together about 3 mos after being back together. We moved into this nasty trashy neighborhood right across the street from his parents. At first I thought it would be good for us, not realizing what I was in for being on the same street and area he was raised in (it was called Helltown). Anyway, things went ok for us, (I think only cuz I was blind to what was happening) I soon learnt that he was a very active alcoholic, drunk from Friday to mon morning pretty much, taking painkilers here and there, smoking weed, whateva, we fought constantly about the drinking and him never being around to help me and him taking days off of work cuz he was hung over or whateva, it just got worse and worse, until one day he showed up at the door at 4am beaten from head to toe, covered in blood, and all his clothes had been ripped off him. THe next day he swore to not drink again, and at this time I had jsut learnt I was pregnant with our daughter. So things went okay for ahwile after that, we made plans to get married and I thought it would be ok. Well I was wrong again the painkillers got worse, he started selling weed thinking it could be aliving for us while i was out working, and there was constantly shady people coming to my house looking for "weed" I was so uncomfortable about the whole situation but it didnt change, shortly after we got married, I noticed the big change in him and the people he was associating with, and who were coming to my house for "weed" the "weed" wasnt weed anymore, but I didnt know that yet I was getting suspicious tho. So, I got a call from him one day at work he was crying and saying how sick he was and how he had the flu and needed me to take care of him. I went home and took care of him for 3 days, thinking he had the flu, btu something was telling me it wasnt the flu, adn I was right, it was withdrawls, that was it from there, he was in and out of rehabs for God knows how many times, I was there alone trying to pay the rent and support 2 young kids, without him, After the 2nd or 3rd time in rehab I decided it was enough, and I packed and moved out, and he helped me move and blamed it on me, and told me it was my choice, but at the time i felt I had no other choices for my kids sake, and my sanity, the lies and stealing and disrespect was taking over my mind, I couldnt understand how he could do this to us and how he couldnt stop for us and how sick he was. I went and lived at my moms with my kids, and the 3 of us shared a room, he went and lived with his aunt to see if he could get clean on his own without me pushing him, and we agreed if he could prove it then we could try again. This only made it easier for him to hide his problem from me, we saw him on the weekends or whenever, and it was hard for him cuz he had to try and be clean around me and he couldnt cuz he would get sick if he went too long. So if we went to hotels he would hide it in places, and I would get suspicous and look around and one time I found it in tissue box in the bathroom of the hotel, and the next morning my daughter was playing in that same tissue box, whos to say what wouldve happened if i didnt find it. Anyway, this didnt keep up much longer, things were getting stolen of ours (like his money,jewlrey,car stereo etc.) I knew what was happening to these things. Then once again he went to detox, on our 2nd wedding anniversary (since we got married we have not been together for one of our anniversarys) he stayed at detox for awhile then moved to a holding house, to wait for a sober house to open up, this was the longest he had ever gotten help, so of course we started visiting each other and taklking and once again he convinced me that he was ok to come home, and for me to find us a place, (I had alreadys saved the money for MY place, cuz once again I planned on moving on) He came home to stay with us at my moms, provided he was clean, (her rule). Which once again we all thought he was, within a week of being homeI knew it was happening again, (he had always been sniffing heroin, and I knew it was a matter of time before he would need to do more) I moved in with him anyway again, going against my better judgement, there was always a way for me to justify this and say to myself it would be ok, and I can help him and O I need him and the kids need him. It went so bad from there, he was only trying to hide it more, we were under the agreement that if anything happened the apt, was mine and he had to leave. So it went on and off for almost another year, my aunt and uncle had given him a car out of the kindness of their hearts thinking he was sincere again, and trying to help us out and he ended up pawning the title to their car, and never paid for it. Everytime he fell down I hd to be there to clean up his mess, there was so much drama, and I was staring to notice signs of shooting up, like shoe strings and spoons, and stuff. I was also starting to notice the effect of the kids (especially my son who was then 4 yrs old.) (also who thought of Jimmy as his own dad). One morning I couldnt sleep and something kept telling me to wake up, something was going on, and sure enough I walk out to the kitchen and there he s with his spoon over the stove cooking. He tried to deny everything and said he was gonna drink it, and I knew better, and I had jsut had enough of it once again, but this was the worst, Ihad already had all his bags packed from kicking him out a week or so before that, and so i sent him on his way and he begged me to give him his drugs and then he would leave cuz he was so sick, he left and was gone for a good 2 mos or so and I found out his mom had had enough of him too and kicked him out, he was living out of his car (before the pawn shop had caught up with him) and he was stealing and doing what he had to do to stay "normal", it was awful I drove by him one day and almost didnt recognize him he was so sick loking and so awful and i stopped to tell him something about the car, and couldnt believe it was him. I ended up selling all of our furniture/tv's etc. to pay the rent, I was stuck paying $800 a month on only making $12 hr, and supporting 2 kids, and having car payment, and normal things people have to pay, I had my dad helping me with the rent cuz once again I was all done with him, but I really wanted to be all done with him this time, he had turned me into someone I dont even know, trying to change him only changed me, and I hated who he turned into. By now I was understanding more that he needed to do this on his own. So I moved on and my mom had the apt upstairs from her re-done and had this lady move out who was there, and thats where I am now, and this last time he moved out was back in June, so it has been 6 mos, he ended up moving around alot trying to get sympathy from everyone begged me to take him back, but I knew he still wasnt "himself" so I kept my distance. Even after all the damage he has done to me, I still love him, adn I dont know why, I dont know if it is right, and I belive all the damage he did wasnt really him. Today he is sober for 5monts and lives about an hour from me in a sober house, I hope he is doing it for real this time,and for himself. We do talk, he does see hte kids as of recently, we see him about every 2 weeks, or so, and just spend the day together. I dont know what will happen with us, or if he will stay clean, but I do know that I will not lose myself in this again, I hated myself for what I went thru adn what I put up with. This has actually been really hard for me to write about but I wanted to tell my story because I never have before,and other's stories have helped me get through some of my worst times dealing with this....
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