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Date Posted:16:32:36 08/03/11 Wed Author: Warren Byerly 1956 Subject: Re: Where is everyone? In reply to:
Glenn Holle
's message, "Re: Where is everyone?" on 07:16:02 08/02/11 Tue
Hey keep the jokes coming. I know there are more out there. I was campground host at Tippecanoe River State Park the last 2 weeks and took a trip up to Dunes, where I will be the first 2 weeks in September, and the park, the Dunes and Lake Michigan is beautiful. I live in Southern Indiana and so enjoyed the cooler temps of Northern Indiana. Anyone else out there in Techite land have an RV and could come up to the Dunes in September?
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends
And is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
And MY Personal Favorite!
WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.
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Re: Where is everyone? -- Donna Ray '51, 13:16:46 08/19/11 Fri
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency
open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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Re: Where is everyone? -- Donna Ray '51, 13:26:50 08/19/11 Fri
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.
'You have no arms !'
'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,'Bishop, who was this man ?'.
'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,
'BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'
WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.
I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
'What has happened? Who is this man?' the first monk asked breathlessly.
'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...'
(. . . Wait for it ...)
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Re: Where is everyone? -- Warren Byerly 1956, 17:20:14 08/19/11 Fri
I like those. How about my favorite Louis Grizzard joke?
This guy is riding on a train and he goes to the Club Car (not everyone will know what a train Club Car is) and he notices this beautiful lady having a drink by herself. He of course goes up to her and asks the usual, "What is a lady like you doing by herself.......bla, bla." She responds that she has a hobby of having sex on the train in every state in the the union and she lacks one state and that being Iowa. He couldn't believe what she was saying and he asks who does she pick, what kind of man. She says that cowboys are the best and then Jewish fellows. He says, "Really." And about that time she says, "Enough about me let's talk about you. What is your name?" Well, she just got that said and he looked out the window and saw a sign flash by which read "Entering the Great State of Iowa."
He quickly turned to her and said, "Hopalong Goldberg."
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Re: Where is everyone? -- Glenn Holle, 11:25:30 08/20/11 Sat
Two little old ladies, Dorace & Jackie were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The short one, Jackie leaned over and said,
'Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'
'You're on!' said Dorace holding up a $10.00 note.
So Jackie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling Jackie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.
'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement... !'
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Re: Where is everyone GRAND WINNER? -- Warren Byerly '56, 17:25:47 08/25/11 Thu
I am proud to announce that the winner of the Where is Everyone joke contest is Donna Ray with the Naked Cowboy joke. As stated in the rules she is entitled to a drink of her choice at the Indiana Dunnes State Park campground any time from the 1st of September to the 15th. I will be at the campground host site. Congratulations!!!
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Re: Where is everyone GRAND WINNER? -- Donna Ray, 07:02:55 08/26/11 Fri
I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
So many good jokes from all.
Now, how in the world am I going to get to Indiana for my "drink of choice"?
I really should try. My daughter and I were planning a trip to Indianapolis in October but she can't make it so I probably won't either, but I will think on it (for Sept.)
If I can't make it during 9-1 - 9-15, maybe you will give me a raincheck Warren?
Anyway, I'm surprised and very pleased. Loved this contest. Do more.
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Re: Where is everyone GRAND WINNER? -- Warren Byerly '56, 14:59:05 08/26/11 Fri
I realize that the announcement of the winner of "Where is Everyone" joke contest is probably bigger news than Irene, but what can I say. The contest came first. Well, it turns out that the drink of choice can be obtained by mail if Donna Ray cannot make it to Indiana Dunes State Park in the alloted time frame. Just let me know.
Sorry Donna could not make it to Indiana Dunes State Park. She will have to get her prize some other way. Just got back from the Dunes and the park is one of Indiana's best. If you haven't seen the Dunes it is a must to be placed on your "Bucket List".
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Re: Grand Prize Winner - Donna -- Donna Ray '51, 08:32:30 09/20/11 Tue
Hey Warren, I'm sorry too that I couldn't make it at this time, but I hope to be in Indpls. in May, 2012,so maybe there's a chance we can "drink to that"!
I would love to see the Dunes State Park, perhaps....
I really have not seen any state parks to speak of. What exactly do you do for the state park people?
Hello to the Grand Winner. Well, a couple of things here, I don't work for the State Parks, I just volunteer as a host and I don't live in Indy. It turns out that I live in Newburgh which is near Evansville. We'll figure this thing out someway.
