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Date Posted: 14:00:36 03/08/06 Wed
Author: Patrice
Subject: Re: 2 wks after surygery
In reply to: Jill 's message, "Re: 2 wks after surygery" on 13:16:08 03/08/06 Wed

I guess I was just thinking that it was just me. I am very angry and sad all at the same time. I hate being told that at least I wont ever have another period. I hate feeling like this and I am embarrassed to be feeling this way. All of the women in my family are extremely strong and have never had to go through this surgery. Granted I still have my ovaries but I wont ever be able to have another child. Im not even sure that I wanted to have another child sense my first pregnanct practically killed me and I was so depressed then to as well. I guess being a single mom and trying to do everything by myself isnt really working anymore. Ive just wanted to die lately and I barely get up out of bed. I have alienated all the people I use to talk to and it wasnt like they were anything special anyway. I am in school and I am totally behind in my studies. It just seems like there is so much more to life than school. I am an only child and most of my family resides in a different state. My grandmother is here but she is under that old school of I dont need no help I can do it myself. She has been helping with my 5yr old daughter who cant seem to understand why mommy cries all the time. Before the surgery I met this man off the internet and had a one night stand with him and I was thinking that it would be my last time I would ever have sex again cause this would kill me. I felt like I was dieing when I was preparing for the surgery. I even filled out a will hoping that it was followed if something happened. I never expected to live through this thing at all. I was sent home after 5 days in the hospital where all I did was cry. I havent done this much crying since I experienced post partum after I had my daughter. I feel alone just like you said and my emotions change from hour to hour. I still have my ovaries and so they said I didnt need any hormone treatment. I tried reaching out to a friend and she is very much into herself. She told me that she had 3 other friends that had the same thing and that she didnt want to call me a liar but there is no way I was experiencing a little spoting and that I had been in the hospital that long. I was so hurt and angry and her words left a scar on my heart and then I felt like maybe I was just exaggerating. I am sure that its different for everyone and that when someone has surgery there is a risk. I guess I just wanted to hear someone say that its ok and that they are here for me and instead I got that. My life feels like someone turned out the lights and I am lost in the abyss of pain and misery. I have no money to pay any of the bills that had to be put on hold because of my health and its just like if it isnt one thing its another. It almost feels like everyone has turned their backs on me and that all I have now is the tv and computer. I keep trying to remember that I have a beautiful little girl who needs me but how could she need me the way that I am? I sit and try to do homework and the words seem so empty. Nothing I read makes any sense to me. I try not to complain to much to family cause I dont want them to think that I am weak. I call the doctors office and they always tell me that things will be better in a few more weeks. I feel pushed aside and I hate that feeling. I have one friend and she is in a new relationship so all she talks about is him and soon as I start to talk about me she says she has to go. I am obviously alone. All these thoughts are in my head and I have no one to just listen and say you know I know what you mean and that it is ok to feel like this or that. I am meeting with my new primary doctor next week and I know that I need help at this point just cause I feel like everything is just complicated and sad. I feel lost. I hate going to the bathroom since it hurts to do anything in there. I even told the doctor and he did some test and they all came back fine so essentially it was like telling me it was just my imagination. I dont know anymore and I especially dont know how to cope with any of this anymore. The only reason I did this was cause I promised someone that I would at least try to get some help or talk to someone that understands. I feel lost and I dont know how to get back to where I was and I am not even sure if where I was was somewhere that I should be. I dont know ...lost and alone seem to be the top emotions and then that some how leads to the anger resentment deep sadness on what couldve been. They have me taking a high dosage of narcotic pain medicine sense I cant seem to shake the pain in my stomach. They said walk around and it will feel better yeah right. Walking hurts like hell and standing is even worst than walking. They said do little stuff around the house. OK so I try to clean up a little bit and I end up throwing up and having a fever. Yet I dont have an infection. I dont know whats wrong with me anymore. Its a very terrible feeling. Then the guy that I slept with calls and wants to get together to "hug and kiss". Thats like the last thing on my mind. I dont want anyone thinking its ok to even touch me. I dont want to do anything but lay down in my bed watch tv and talk with my kid. How do I even get past this. I am not suppose to drive so I have to have someone take me everywhere and after a few times that gets old very fast. I use to just go for a ride to clear my head and now I feel like I have no where to run to no where to hide. The silence in my head is loud and annoying. The pain in my heart is overwhelming. I have a history of depression and I know I shouldve figured this out before the surgery but I didnt and now I am stuck with suicidal thoughts and lost of depression anger frustration pain and anxiety.


>Hello there,
>The feelings you are experiencing, sound very much
>like what I and many of us went through during our
>recovery.
>Your hormone levels change and you go through
>emotional ups and downs.
>I felt alone, unloved, angry, hurt, not respected, the
>entire range of emotions.
>Once my hormone levels evened out I was ok.
> (with ovaries you still need some help,try natural
>progesterone cream )
>It's a slower process than we expect, our body
>recovers quicker than our emotions and moods.
>Check with your local area for Counselling groups
>What you need, is someone else going through the same
>thing to sit and talk to, cry together, vent your
>feelings.
>Maybe the hospital where your surgery was done can
>help with a support group or other women that were
>done around the same time.
>It's important to talk to others, and also to
>understand that these feelings are normal and will
>go........but get some help if you don't get over them
>soon.All in all it took me a couple of months to be
>completely back to normal
>I hope this helps and does not make it all seem
>futile, it's not !!!!!
>Feel free to sit and write us every time you need to
>vent or talk. We will responds as often as possible.
>Jill.

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