Date Posted:23:25:28 02/12/08 Tue Author: Asha Subject: I am 2 years clean & on Methadone
I want to let all of you know that there IS hope. But you do have to really want to quit. I felt exactly the same way about 2 years ago, I was hopeless & thought that the only way I would quit was to die. I knew I could not handle going cold turkey, & the detox's we have where I live (that aren't crazy-expensive) only give you a mild blood-pressure medicine which does not cut it - you are still sick. My habit was way to high for that, about $300 a day. I don't know what "bundles" are, I live in Canada, but that was about 2 grams just to keep me from getting dopesick. I was "wired" (addicted) for about 10 years. I knew I needed to do something but couldn't handle being sick, every time I tried to quit it would make me feel suicidal.
I decided to try the methadone program. It is very hard to get on it here & even if you can it usually takes at least a month, so of course by that time I was still using & my focus was on getting my drugs for that day, not going to appointments every week that were out of the way & involved doing numerous pee-tests to prove I was an addict & filling out forms saying how you've tried quitting cold-turkey & you really want to quit & so on. I persisted eventually because I was desperate. I found the methadone clinic helpful at first, it is an out-patient clinic & you could go to counselling & classes every day with other addicts who made you feel less alone - these people were all going through the same thing as me! It did help, but over time I found that the manager of the clinic was essentially like a drug dealer - they made you pay $100 a month fee & then the methadone cost about $15 a day which was nothing compared to what I was paying for junk, but it is still a lot when you don't have a job or any money because you've been an addict for so long & the reason you are trying to get clean is because you don't want to have to spend every day begging, borrowing, stealing, or prostituting yourself to come up with drug money. I felt like I was still a slave to drugs but without any of the benefits, the clinic would cut you off if you didn't pay, & methadone in the correct dose does not make you feel at all "high" or deal with your mental cravings or the reasons why you are using in the first place, so I got frustrated. I started using again & then I definitely couldn't afford to pay for the methadone & clinic fees, so I ended up back at square one. However, it had given me some benefit, including a bit of time clean from dope which made me realize it was possible, plus the counselling & classes had helped me realize my reasons behind why I was using in the first place & that even if got past the physical withdrawal I would still have to deal with the mental addiction.
Eventually my veins all withered away & it would take me hours & hours to find a vein & often not at all, & I would be crying & frustrated, & even if I did succeed it wouldn't be worth the pain & frustration because I never got "high" anymore, just "un-sick". I found that even larger & larger quantities made no difference, I could never replicate the "high" I felt during the first couple years of using.
I had a friend who was prescribed methadone from a private doctor & convinced her to get me an appointment with him. He prescribed me methadone, stabilizing at 150mg/ml methadone a day, as soon as I convinced him I really needed it & did want to quit using. My doctor's visits were covered under Canadian Medical. I had to go to the pharmacy every day to drink the liquid methadone, the cost of which I found was mostly covered under the my province's Pharmacare Program, provided to people with low income. If I had a high income it would still cost about $12 each time you pick it up depending on what pharmacy you go to & what dose you're on etc. At first I had to go every day & have someone watch while I drank it, to prevent us not not taking it, stockpiling it & taking it all at once, or selling it.
I have now been on methadone (this second time) for about 2 1/2 years, the last 2 of which I've not used any other drugs. I am SO glad because I know I would not have been able to quit using without the methadone, I tried & failed many times, & I couldn't imagine what my life would be like if I was still using. Probably homeless & miserable & selling my ass for dope, with nothing else in my life other than the daily goal of making money for dope, getting dope, & doing that dope. That's pretty close to where I was before, & I'm sure I'd be far worse off by now.
Once I felt comfortable not using & had some time clean, I started gradually lowering my methadone dose - it is now down to 15mg/ml a day. I felt fine until I got down below about 40mg/ml. Now I feel a bit sick most of the time & every time I lower my dose, but it is nothing compared to cold turkey, (whether & when you start to get sick varies depending on how much you were using in the first place & how quickly your bodie processes the methadone - mine is quite fast so I get sick sooner) . Plus I had time to deal with the reasons I was using & get my life stable, including getting a job, a house, a supportive non-using boyfriend, friends who don't use etc. I hate being at all sick, but even if I had to be on methadone for the rest of my life would be better than using dope.
Methadone is not perfect & is definitely not a miracle cure, but it keeps the sickness at bay so you can get back to a mostly normal life & then see if you can deal with your addiction without having severe withdrawal symptoms. I am still not completely off methadone, but it definitely enabled me to get off heroin. Please let me know if anyone on here has successfully gotten off methadone & their tips for dealing with the sickness & sleepnessness when you get down to a very low dose, including other medication possibilities.
Also feel free to ask me any questions if you are considering going on methadone.
