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Subject: Re: Melancholy Balloons Author: lonestar [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 11:15:15 02/24/01 Sat Author Host/IP: 56k-459.maxtnt5.pdq.net/209.223.28.205 In reply to: Mary 's message, "Melancholy Balloons" on 19:36:01 02/20/01 Tue I like what you are after here, kitty, and much of the imagery is good. Direction is confusing to me, however. Would love to see you rework it. "Pipelines", for instance, jars the tone. Many "the's" can be cut to bring more impact, along with the "thats". Articles impede flow and lessen the drama of meaning. Try a bit of cutting and rearrangement of lines. I think you'll like the results. [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]