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>So I really don't know how I feel about this, it's >sort of Frankenstien esque, but there's some stuff in >there I just needed the world to see. Or something >less bullshit and dramatic. Whatever. You could >always not read it. > >--- > >When I got that bullshit letter, I went straight over >to Colin’s house. I knocked on the door, full of >righteous anger, ready to unload, and tell him no >fucking way was I giving him up. When he answered the >door, the look on his face sent me a step backward. >He looked so disappointed, so sad, and then I realized >I was doing exactly what he’d asked me not to. The >one thing he ever asked of me our entire friendship >and I couldn’t do it. > >I realized that same second that he was right. That, >as shitty as it was, there was nothing left for us to >be for each other. So I took two steps towards him, >and I held out my hand. He met my eyes >questioningly, but understanding slowly dawned, and he >bridged the gap between us once more. > >With none of the tradition gayety and lightness, with >a new and strange solemnity, I began to speak our >familiar farewell, > >“Rock on. Rock on.” I got that far, and then waited >for him to finish. > >“Peace out. Avril,” Our hands met for the final >complicated handshake, some extended warped version of >the rock-lock. > >That was almost a month ago. Life’s been happening. >Good, bad, and way too fucking complicated to go into >right now. Maybe I’ll tell you about it some time, >but this is not that time. > >I just figured, after all we’ve been through together, >you might want to be here for this. You know, for the >symbolic value and all. Graduation. Hats in the air, >the future, life, all that good stuff. Ending one >chapter of my life, beginning a new one. That’s some >pretty solid cheese, when you think about it. > >Anyway, I think there’s going to be cake or something. > You might wanna stick around for that. > >At the moment, Jonas is grabbing me by the hand and >dragging me into the Sunday school room that’s being >used to house our snazzy graduation gowns. The >graduation ceremony is in a church, don’t ya know. >Just in case there wasn’t enough symbolism and >metaphor hanging around in the air. Jonas and I end >up in the middle of the chaos, searching for the gowns >labelled to indicate they belong to us for this night >of nights. I see Colin’s currently purple head out of >the corner of my eye, but look away. I’ve been trying >to be good. This time, like the others, it’s not >something that goes by unnoticed by Jonas who’s yet to >question the lack of Colin’s presence lately, or as it >turns out, Brian, who happens to be standing near me. > >“I thought you and Colin’d be fine form tonight… I >mean, think of all the mocking possibilities.” > >I glare at him, “Shuddup Brian.” It’s been awhile >since I’ve thought of that dude as my friend. > >“But then, I heard Celery’s back… so I guess you’re >little smart-mouthed mistress got the boot huh?” > >He really picked the wrong time to start in on me like >this. I shake my head, for half a second trying to >bite back the disgust, but I give up easily. > >“You’re pathetic, man. I never saw it, I always >thought you were so damn awesome – I felt guilty about >not being a good enough friend, and maybe I wasn’t – >but now I see you wouldn’t have deserved it anyway. >What goes on between me and Colin, or me and Celery >for that matter – it’s none of your fucking business. >Nothing in my life is.” > >“You’re such an ungrateful shit Carrots. You think >your gods gift? You’re not that special. The world >doesn’t revolve around you – people exist outside of >what you think of them.” > >“For gods sake! Take your own advice. Stop judging >me, stop being such a self-righteous prick. You were >at my wedding you blind bastard – I LOVE Celery. No >one else – never like that. But that doesn’t mean you >can just treat Colin like crap, or me. You’ve proven >you can’t avoid it, so just leave me the hell alone.” > >I turn away, meaning to start putting on my burgundy >gown, ignoring Jonas’s stunned expression, when I hear >Brian mutter something that leads me to throw myself >at him and suddenly I’ve got him half horizontal >against a gown laden table so quick no one even >understands what’s going on until almost a minute >later when Brian’s broken free and we’re circling each >other dangerously, matched fury in our eyes. > >From there it’s like the Locker Incident, only more >violent. > >Brian takes a swing at me, and I’m not quite quick >enough to dodge it, so I end up taking the hit right >in the face. I come at him with enough fury to make up >for my considerable lack of skill and an instant later >I’ve tackled him and we’re throwing down pretty >hardcore on the ground. Dimly above I hear shouting >and the eruptions of other skirmishes, but Brian’s >keeping me busy. It’s not until I see Alex barrelling >towards us that I look up long enough to see any of >the action. I barely have time to think ‘oh shit’ >before Colin’s launched himself onto Alex’s back with >what in other circumstances would be a hilarious but >now is just a strangely frightening battle cry. I see >little else as rather blinding pain overtakes me – >mother fucker kneed me in the groin. That’s just not >cool. > >My grand plans for revenge are never given time to >bear fruit as several teachers storm in and >effectively break everything up. Though we weren’t >the only ones fighting by far, only Colin, Brian, Alex >and I get hauled away. > >We eventually end up in yet another Sunday School >classroom, and get a smack down of an entirely >different sort by Principle Chambers. We’re told >quite simply that we’re damn lucky we’re about to >graduate, because otherwise such behaviour might very >well have warranted expulsion. I say nothing, and >that’s something I have in common with the rest of the >group. When, softening slightly, Chambers calls what >we did a disgrace, especially since we’re all such >good kids, Colin snorts and stares up at Chambers >unapologetically. Luckily he doesn’t choose to >comment, and moments later we’re released – in pairs >so as to avoid further bloodshed – to quickly put on >our gowns before the ceremony starts. > >I meet Colin’s eyes for the first time as we’re >walking (limping) to retrieve our caps and gowns and >he grins at me tremulously, “Just think of it as our >last hurrah.” > >I laugh, with some difficulty and grin back. > >Later though, as I’m sitting in a row of my peers, >forcing smiles every time Jonas turns to look at me >worriedly and hoping the swelling won’t be too >noticeable until I’ve had time to let Celery and my >parents know what happened, I feel less like smiling. >I’ve never been a violent person, that’s something I >think I made clear pretty much from the start. And no >matter what shit Brian and Alex put me through the >past couple months, they were my friends for a really >long time. And I always treated them like second >class friends, and maybe even people. Does the way >they’ve acted lately REALLY cancel that out, or did I >just say that to make myself feel better? > >It’ll take someone smarter and a lot less brassed off >than me to answer that question. > >Still, I kind of wish I wasn’t spending my graduation >ceremony zoning out and feeling like shit. There are >a lot of things about this night I wish were >different. I’d like Celery to be sitting in these >risers with me instead of out in the crowd and I’d >rather have had brawling with Alex and Brian be just >another stupid thing me and Colin did instead of our >last hurrah. I’d rather Jonas’s parents weren’t >occasionally frowning in Kyle’s general direction, and >I wish Jonas didn’t have to watch them do it. But >being sad all the time and sorry about stuff has never >gotten me anywhere, and I finally care enough about >where I’m going to want to do something about that. >So I straighten up and adjust my cap slightly, and >attempt to catch some of the speech that is going on >about life and youth and new frontiers. > >I flicker in and out of attention, and get up a couple >times, (once only when someone behind me poked me >because I’d missed my name being called) to collect >awards. I’m aware enough to clap vigorously when >Jonas wins an art award and smile when I see the proud >look on Kyle’s face. Nearing the end Colin cranes his >head back to grin at me and gives me a double thumbs >up, which I return easily. Perhaps our closeness >really is over, but I’m grateful it’s still easy >between us. The way it might not have been if we >waited too long as Colin predicted. Or maybe that >wouldn’t have happened. I don’t really know. I’ll >decide for myself at some point, but for now you can >make up your own minds. > >When everything is over and we’re free to mingle with >the masses I find Celery and my family and drag him >off to the side so he can fume at me in private for >attacking an old friend. But that isn’t at all how it >ends up going down. First he’s just confused and >concerned, and once I’ve explained to him some of the >back story, but instead he just stands there, this >oddly glazed, peaceful look on his face. > >“Cel?” > >“I’m going to kill them,” He murmurs, and then, waving >away my start of a protest, “I just haven’t decided >how yet. I think maybe a shovel, you know? As a >tribute to vague disclaimers? The spoon option also >has its charms. Or perhaps I could arrange some sort >of a tar and feathering – do they still do that?” > >“Celery,” I laugh weakly. > >“I’m serious.” And he is, you can see it in his eyes. > There’re some nostril work as well, but it’s mostly >the eyes. > >“I know you are – that’s why I’m getting freaked.” > >He looks at me sadly. “No one hurts you.” > >“Cept you yeah?” I hated saying, it but it just fell >out of my mouth. > >He looks away, face pained. I reach out to touch his >arm, but he takes a step back. > >“What do you want me to do? Kill myself? I would, I >mean, if it was for you—“ > >“Celery! No, god. No killing yourself – or anyone >else. This is a strictly kill free zone, got it?” I >force myself into his arms, and he eventually stops >resisting and simply holds me. > >“I love you, you damn fool. You don’t have to do >anything but let me.” I bore earnest eyes into him >for awhile, before a reasonable amount of the tension >leaves his body. > >He sighs, and brushing his hand against my damaged >cheek and kisses the other. > >“I’m sorry you had to deal with that – then and now.” > >When I smile this time there’s nothing false about it. > Just me being glad he’s here for me like this again. > >“Its okay – I’ve survived nobly and am a stronger >person because of it.” > >He laughs at my pompous, ultra earnest tone. “As long >as you’ve grown.” > >“Yeah well, pain building character and all that.” > >Celery’s eyes darken a bit, fading into grey and he >touches my cheek contemplatively. > >“Did Colin,” He stops, like he doesn’t know where he’s >going with it. > >“What?” > >“He helped you?” > >I grin, “Oh yeah, right into the fray – he actually >jumped on Alex’s back. It was funny stuff.” > >“That’s not what I meant.” > >Oh. > >“So… before?” I nod slowly, “Yeah he did.” Somehow, >even though these aren’t new words, they feel >different. Like maybe he’s finally hearing them. > >“I’m glad.” > >And for the first time ever, it’s clear that he means >it.
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