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Date Posted: 18:42:47 11/06/03 Thu
Author: Karla
Subject: Part Three *cough* Chapter Eighteen (seriously)

Because, as Tamsyn so rightly pointed out, it's ALREADY Friday in New Zealand.

---

Naturally, I never made it out of the house. I got about as far as the exact same place I was standing when Jon verbally bitch slapped me and was still standing there when Celery came down the stairs. Bastard actually laughed when he saw me.

“I thought you were running off in a huff.”

“I was.”

“Didn’t go so well huh?”

“Not really, no.”

“Forgot how to open the door?”

“Ha bloody ha.”

“Calm down. I’ve figured everything out – as is my way.”

“You have?” Delighted.

“Yeah, it’s so ridiculously simple I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner – probably because if I had there wouldn’t have been as much time for angst.”

“Well, good angst does take time.”

“Don’t I know it. Anyway, my Master Plan.”

“Dramatic pausing? That’s the key to your Master Plan?”

“No. The key to my Master Plan is Colin.”

“Does it involve killing him in anyway?”

“Sadly no. You see, during the undetermined amount of time you stood down here feeling sorry for yourself – I was busy having an epiphany.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Really.”

“What was the nature of this epiphany?”

“All my hostility towards Colin isn’t just jealously and freakish over protectiveness.”

“It isn’t?”

“No.”

“So what is it?”

“Sexual tension.”

“Of course!”

“It’s obviously, really. He’s bratty and sarcastic and kinda nerdy – you could be freaking twins!”

“So the answer to our problem isn’t to work things out logically and gradually start to be less freaksome – it’s to start having group sex with Colin!”

Why didn’t I see it sooner!

“Exactly!”

“This is brilliant!”

But wait…

“I think he might really be straight though.”

“Please. Like people in this family have any trouble turning straight people gay.”

“We are a damn gay family.”

“I don’t even know how your parents managed to reproduce – never mind the fact that there are like 18 of you.”

“So we go, we find him… and wild group sex ensues?”

“Did I hear someone say group sex?” Asks Colin, who has suddenly appeared (like people do) in the front door way.

“Yes! Yes you did!” I’m nodding vigorously.

“Awesome. Who’s having it?”

“We are!” Celery announces gleefully.

He takes a step backwards. “But I’m like straight and stuff… with the liking of the girls, and…” He searches frantically for more excuses, “I hate you!”

Celery shrugs. “It’s just repressed sexual attraction.”

Colin snaps his fingers. “In no way does that not make sense!”

“He’s a genius, really. It’s why I love him.” I say, beaming much in the style of a love struck cartoon bunny.

“I thought it was just the muscles.” Colin murmurs, his eyes traveling shameless over Celery’s entirely hot body.

“I’ve also got a huge—“

“Less talk, more group sex.”

We wake up an appropriate amount of hours later, the waking up part because we were so very tired from having group sexed it up most of the day. Celery gets up first, and gets dressed in a way that’s extremely manly. Then Colin and I get up and make pointless sarcastic remarks while we find our clothes and generally stare loving at Celery. He kind of ignores us, but I can only assume it’s for our own good.

When we get down stairs I notice that Colin is looking kinda angsty and I get ready to cry out of solidarity.

“Are you okay Flower?”

He smiles bravely. “Just trying to wrap my head around stuff.”

“You didn’t have any trouble wrapping your lips around—“

“Celery, try to be a little more supportive, please.”

He looks instantly contrite, and pulls us both into a hug. “Sorry babies, I just… I love you both so much, but I worry. We’re so close… I don’t want us to shut out the rest of the world. Sometimes, I get scared and that makes me act like an asshole.”

“That’s so sweet,” I coo.

“But, we’re not close. You barely know me.” Colin protests, blinking in confusion.

“But we have sex for like, five hours. That means we’ll be together forever.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Something’s still bothering you isn’t it?” I’m the insightful one, remember?

“It’s just… you guys have so much history. I feel like, I’ll never be an equal.

“You’re totally equal!” Celery protests. “You’re both my sex slaves.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course… um, Not Carrots.”

He looks happy, but still not entirely reassured.

I get a brilliant idea.

“We’ll get you branded later, and then you’ll feel better.”

He smiles. “Yeah, that’d be nice.”

That ends the conversation, and we go stuff ourselves in the kitchen, hungry like you’re liable to be after group sex. We’re sitting around the table, doing what we do best. Celery’s brooding and thinking about skateboarding (or possibly sex), Colin’s being mean to the furniture in that rebellious, individualistic kind of way that just makes you love him, and I’m bouncing back and forth from being sweet and sappy, sarcastic and clever and damn whinny.

It’s going quite well until the rest of the family comes home. Strangely, Kara is the first one to enter the kitchen.

”Hey, who are you?” Colin asks.

“I’m the younger sister most people forget about.”

“Cool. Do you hate me too?”

“I hate everyone. Especially my best friend.”

“But I thought you loved Sue! You were going to be a lesbian and married to her in the sequel!”

“Nope. I hate her. I only hang out there cause of…”

“What?”

“Well, I know it might be wrong, but… I’m in love with Stacy’s mom.”

“Who the hell is Stacy?”

“By Stacy I meant Sue.”

“But… but… but…”

“I think what my master – I mean husband – was trying to say is, you’re NINE!” I shout.

“No I’m not. You just haven’t paid enough attention to me to notice I haven’t been nine for about four years now.”

“Really?” I take a closer look.

“She looks older than nine to me Carrots.”

“What do you think Flower?”

“I’m going to have to go with Wonder Boy on this one.”

“Stop calling me that.” Celery grumbles.

“I didn’t think you knew,” Colin looks up at him meekly.

“I do, and stop it. Or we might start having to have group BSDM sex.”

“What did I do?!”

“You let him call me that, and you’re a whiny bitch.”

“You’re passive aggressive and treat me like property!”

“Yeah, but you think it’s sexy. I just think you’re annoying.”

“You are kind of annoying,” Colin chips in.

“Suck up.”

“We’ve shown up conveniently just before it was going to be obvious that you three had run out of snippy dialog.” Declare the twins. They speak as one now.

“Why don’t you just go play some video games you annoying children?”

“Colin, that was kind of uncalled for.”

“Sorry, I can’t help it. Stuff just comes out, it’s like I have no control over my mouth.”

“Not always a bad thing.”

“Celery!”

“What, just because you never want to talk about sex doesn’t mean I can’t?”

“And speaking of sex – Jon and I have started to have a lot of it.”

“With each other.”

“WHAT?!” Screams everyone. Even Kara. You forgot she was in the room, didn’t you? Didn’t you?

“We’re in love.”

Colin holds up a hand.

“Aren’t you brothers?”

“No!”

“Yes!”

“Guys, you can’t have sex with each other, that’s gross. It’s so gross I might cry from revulsion later. But, it’s not just gross – it’s WRONG.”

“And gross.” Celery adds, with some vigorous nodding.

“We knew you’d never understand,”

“Even if you are having group sex, which is very gross by the way, because you’re our brothers and thinking about family members having sex is always gross.”

“Always.”

I’d be telling you which one of them was speaking when, but I’ve lost track of who’s who.

“Anyway, that’s why we’re planning to move to Alabama,”

“Where this sort of thing is tolerated.”

“I don’t really think that’s the best—“

“Okay, I’m here!”

“What? Kyle, what are you A doing standing in the back door and B talking about?”

“What do you mean? I’m here to pick you guys up so we can all die tragically in a car accident for the final scene.”

We all look at each other.

“That makes sense.” I finally decide for the group, and they all start nodding.

“Is Jonas already in the car?”

Kyle’s face darkens. “No. The bastard left me this morning.”

“Why?”

“Apparently he’s been cheating on me with like, several chicks for quite some time now.”

“Manwhore.” I spit bitterly. Cause, you know, family pride.

Kyle sakes his head, “Don’t I know it. Anyway, let’s go. We’ve really gotta motor if we’re going to make that collision.”

That gets us all cracking, and with logic defying seating arrangements, manage to all fit in the Le Baron.

As soon as we’ve started driving I shout, “A car crash?! A car crash killed Lilly and James Potter?! It’s an outrage! A scandal!”

And then we all die. The end.

Seriously.

I’m dead.

IT’S OVER!!!!!







Oh wait. I can’t be dead. I’m still talking. Riiiight. Okay........

Um.

It was all a dream.

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