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Date Posted: 16:30:56 04/13/03 Sun
Author: Karla
Subject: Part Two, Chapter Sixteen

Course I'm posting another chapter! As if Tamsyn telling me I broke her heart wasn't enough - Nat fluttered her damn eye lashes at me! TWICE! I'm utterly defenceless when it come to eye lash fluttering. Some of you others put in quality grousing as well, and it has been rewarded.

Read and and enjoy.

---

Time goes by you know? Well, of course you do. There are songs about it even. It sort of tends to go whether you’re having fun or not, despite what that expression tells us. It goes by a little better when you’re having fun, is all. Life’s almost back to being good again. I’m as happy as I’ll ever be without Celery right here with me, and that’s not even that unhappy. Like, the missing is still intense, but the betterness has continued. Nights are still the worst, lying in the dark with nothing to think about but how much I wish he was there, and we still cry sometimes for no reason on the phone, but Christmas is getting so close you can taste the commercialism in the air, and off in the distance, if you listen real close, you can almost always hear tinny carols coming from somewhere.

Things are going well for Jonas and Kyle, and that’s a huge contributing factor to my good cheer. They tend to be kind of volatile sometimes, and there are occasional clashes resulting in yelling and swearing, but that’s mostly a joke. And even when it’s for real, it’s never about anything that lasts. They’re big on not letting the sun go down on their anger. If it didn’t gross me out so much to think about it, I’d say I bet they fight so much just for the making up part afterwards.

They’re tight though - even with the volatile. As close as they ever were and growing ever more confident in their relationship and each other. Jonas is getting over his trust issues with the help of Kyle’s own brand of comfort and assurance, and they’re increasingly less weirded by the two guys thing.

And really, in most of the observable ways, they're staying pretty close to the way they've always been. I mean, I told you about that whole hello lunch thing. That's the kind of stuff they're ALWAYS pulling these days. They've just been their normal, insane selves, but to the like nth degree, and adding in the fact that they're in love with each other. They're so connected, the amount of evil they can get up to is extreme. It's like they're them to the max all the time, so you end up with Kyle and Jonas at either their best or worst depending on who you are. I complain about it some, but as you may have noticed, I often whine about stuff I really actually love and enjoy. Like, I love those guys. And they're so HAPPY most of the time - it catches on fast.

Not to say everything’s perfect or whatever. I mean, you have no idea how weird it is to have to start giving Jonas and Kyle PRIVATE time. I mean, there have always been times when they went off and did their own thing, but this is like not that kind of private time. This is the people in love private time. They really need it too, cause well, it's still something they're getting used to, and also, they don't really like to do too much of the love stuff in front of me. It sort of tends to makes me a little depressed. Missing Celery and everything. I wouldn't like crank-out on them or anything, I just get a little glum or whatever. So they don't like to like, rub my face in it or something. Not like they act totally straight around each other or anything. They just aren't likely to start making out in front of me.

Anyway, when they're having their time, I often end up hanging out with Kaleb. In the totally platonic - he might as well be my mother there's that much sexual attraction - friendly kind of way. So don't even worry about it. There is a problem though. And it's not Kaleb. It's Shane. When we hang out it usually ends up being me, Kaleb, Shane, and sometimes Matt and Aaron. But it sort of hurts to be around Shane. I mean, when I'm around him it's like he's all looking like Celery, acting like Celery. Sometimes I let myself get really carried away and it's almost like he IS Celery. This doesn't like fill me with the desire to jump Shane and start declaring my love or anything crazy like that, it just makes missing Celery hurt more. Cause, Shane may be a lot LIKE Celery, but he isn't Celery. There's just some indefinable difference that's the line between head over heals in love and simple friendship.

With me, it seems like everything always goes back to Celery. No matter what it is, at some point, my thinking will round back to him. I like it that way though, even if sometimes it hurts. It’s how it should be, it’s how I know it is with him, and it’s one of the ways we’re staying connected.

But anyway, getting back to Kaleb and those guys for a minute. I really like hanging out with them, they’re a great and fun bunch of guys. Like, I always knew I could really like Kaleb if we ever had a chance of getting together as real friends, but the others are great too. Matt and Aaron are a riot, and Shane’s super sweet and kind. He’s actually even quieter than Celery, but whenever he does joke around, it’s hilarious. Matt and Aaron though, there’s nothing quiet about them. They’re VERY straight, but that’s just funny to me. The very in capitals is because of their rampant girl chasing. It’s all mostly a joke, or at least kind of, but the guys are lady killers. New girl friends every week, each hotter than the last type deal. The girls seem to have fun though, so, who am I to judge? They goof on us about converting back sometimes, you know, pointing out supposedly hot girls and all that stuff, but they’re really totally supportive, especially to Shane. He’s like a kid brother type to them, even though we’re all the same age.

Kaleb and I hang out at school some now too. Lunch I still do with just Jonas, Brian and Alex, but we see each other at breaks and stuff again. And like, in class. It’s great to not have to like worry about him feeling like he has to ignore me anymore. You know how I said way back when I didn’t think we would ever be friends? This is one of those times I sure am happy to have been wrong.

---

On a cool Friday evening near the end of November Kaleb and I walk back to my house together after working on an article about being gay and out in high school for the paper. Jan Chong, the editor, sort of strong-armed us into it, but it was actually sort of fun.

We enter the house laughing, talking and generally being preoccupied with ourselves. As is pretty much my instinct and routine, I head straight for the living room. It's kind of like home central you know? The epicentre or whatever. Usually something going on, someone around - oh dear god!

"NICE!" Kaleb exclaims appreciatively causing Jonas and Kyle spring apart. I'm still a bit tongue tied and wide eyed. I'm getting more used to seeing them kiss, but I've NEVER seen them kiss like that. Like, WHOA.

"Jeez man," Kyle says, barely recovering from the surprise. Jonas is scowling. Not cause of what we broke up though I don't think. I'm pretty sure he still doesn't like Kaleb for some reason.

"Sorry guys, we were just like passing through,"

"Where's Shane?" If you heard his tone, you'd get why I don't think Jonas likes Kaleb.

"He's at work," Kaleb says, shrugging. Either oblivious to Jonas's open dislike or choosing to ignore it.

"We were going to listen to some music and stuff, probably not as interesting as what you guys were doing, soooo... I'm guessing it's safe to say you wouldn't want to join us?"

Kyle is about to give me the 'and how' when Jonas stands up, "No, we'll come along, but let's go up to Kyle's - there's more room there," he's not even like TRYING to be subtle. Like, what's up with that? How could he think I would mess around on Celery? I'm not even like capable of that. Jonas should know me that well after all this time. I'm going to have to talk to him about this later.

Despite the total rage vibes shooting from Jonas the entire time, chilling out and listening to tunes in Kyle's bachelor type pad ends up being pretty cool. Kyle's always good for the ever fun verbal sparring constant jokes thing, and his like-me-ness kept Kaleb right up there with us. If Jonas had just gotten off his pissed-off horse and joined in, things would have been perfect. Well, I shouldn't get ahead of myself like that. I mean, PERFECT is still and will always be a word reserved only for times that include Celery, but you get what I mean. As perfect as non-Celery time gets.

Once Kaleb leaves I grab Jonas by the shoulders and immediately proceed to march him up to my room, after curtly asking Kyle to give us a minute to talk.

"What's your problem man?" I ask directly, turning back to face him after shutting the door behind me. He shrugs sullenly.

"I don't think you should be hanging out with those guys,"

"Why not? Dude, Kaleb is NOT interested in me anymore, not even like a little bit,"

"I know that. I didn't mean just him - all of them,"

"Why?" I'm totally baffled about all this. There's some exasperation going on too.

"Well, because. Celery doesn't know him and it's like you're getting in with this whole new group that none of us fit in with," None of US?

"Jonas - are you feeling left out?" I ask in complete disbelief. He sort of looks away and nodding, lets out a sigh.

"You're like never around anymore,"

"Dude! All I've been trying to do is give you and Kyle your space! You know - private time?"

"We see you Sunday's and then maybe twice during the week. Even at school you're off with Kaleb a lot of the time. Kyle and I don't need THAT much private time,"

"Jonas, I'm sorry if you felt like I was ignoring you. I really was just trying to give you and Kyle room to do your own thing,"

He gives me a kind of resigned 'I get what you're saying' half-nod, but then continues, "It's like everything’s changing all over again! I'm so happy about the changes with Kyle - it's everything I ever wanted - but I never thought things would change so much with you too," Big time aversion to change - even if it's good change - is one of the major things in common between Jonas and me. I know what he's going through and it bums me out that I'm the one responsible for it.

"I don't know what to say man..." I'm not even sure he hears me.

"And I like wanted you to be around you know - to see what's happening with us. I want you to like share what we're experiencing and becoming," I smile.

"I want that too Jonas, but sometimes,"

"It hurts too much cause of Celery?" I sigh.

"Yeah. I've stayed away as much for that as the space giving, but it hasn't worked. If it's not you guys, it's something else. Everything reminds me of Celery - makes me miss him more, wish he was around. It was stupid of me to think I could get away from that by not hanging out with you and Kyle as much," Jonas regards me sadly.

"Is there anything we can do?"

"Nothing you haven't already been doing. I'm the one who has to change some things around. Huh. AGAIN," I shrug, "I miss you guys a lot and I want us to get back closer to what we were - but I'm not going to entirely drop Kaleb either. Couldn't you try to like him? I bet you really would if you gave him a chance. Shane's great too - so are Matt and Aaron. How bout it eh?" Jonas smiles.

"Okay. I guess. Let's start with just school though at first alright? Just Kaleb and then we'll see about the rest of it," I grin.

"That's great man. You really will like them though I think. Like today - I bet you would have had fun if you hadn't been so busy being a bitch," Jonas smacks me on the back of my head.

"I don't know what I was thinking missing a loser like you," I laugh.

It's good to be back.

Getting Jonas to warm up to Kaleb goes surprising well. I mean, I knew they’d like each other if they ever got around to giving each other a chance, I just had my doubts about that happening. But after only a few lunches and the giving of hall and classroom recognition, they’re already almost what you’d call friends.

I’m glad about that, but I’m also just glad to be back more with Jonas and Kyle. Spending time with them again’s sort of made me realize how much I missed it. Among other things, they’re like a tie to Celery you know? A big part of the world that includes him, past, present and future. Hiding from that didn’t stop me from missing him, and embracing them again hasn’t really either, but at least I’m among friends, the people I love. Kaleb, Shane, Matt and Aaron are my friends too now, but it’s different. They’re REAL friends, but, I guess, they’re just not brothers you know? That’s the only way I can think to describe the distinction.

Now that I’m more into it, I’m loving watching Kyle and Jonas develop as a couple. It’s all the stuff I told you before and more. They’re getting to be so that it’s all very natural with them, but somehow they still have this huge level of newness and discovery all the time. I love being around them when they’re like that. Even the hurt is almost like good hurt. I’ve decided I shouldn’t mind it when something reminds me of Celery even if it does hurt. It’s good to be reminded.

As if I could forget!

The fact that we talk or IM and e-mail everyday helps keep me sane too, and it’s really what helps me the most, as much as I know I’m indebted to my friends and family here. We’re learning a lot about ourselves I think, over this separation. It’s helping us to like shed what’s not important and focus in on what is. In some ways, being apart has really given our relationship focus and direction. We know how important it is to work at it, because we know how dangerous not doing that can be. We’ve seen how bad things can get and it’s really made both of us do the sit back and look thing, realizing the things that needed changing. Not just with the apart us, we’re learning lessons that will help us when we’re back together again as well. If given the choice, I’d still probably choose to have kept the slightly weaker us and Celery by my side, but since I never got a choice, it’s a really good feeling to know that we’re stronger for this time away from each other. There are a million scenarios in my mind where it could have all fallen apart, but so far there’s just been too much love around us for that to happen, and I believe we’ll stay strong and make it the rest of the way.

But okay, I admit it, this whole confidence kick could, possibly, have something to do with the fact that he’ll be here in 14 days (!!!!), so don’t get too proud of me and my new found depth and maturity.

Everyone else is bugging about Christmas almost as much as me. About Celery coming home. Kyle and Jonas, mom and dad, Kara, the twins. The whole house is getting all Christmased up, we have the coolest tree ever. You can just tell the olds are going crazy with the present buying, when they’re not going crazy trying to manage the bakery. We all help, but it’s still insane. We close Christmas Eve, day, and boxing day, but the orders are still nuts. It’s not like killing the spirit though. It’s fun working in the bakery, the whole pack of us. Somehow even doing millions of dishes can be fun when you’ve got people like Kyle around. I really love my other siblings too. I feel like I’ve kind of left them out of all this, but they’re really important to me. It’s just ,with the age gap the way it is, and how close the twins are, we’ve always had these groups. Me and Kyle, the twins, Kara off with her friends. But when we come together, I’m always reminded how much I love all of them. The twins are as freaky as ever, and their mouths get smarter daily, but it’s like they’re a happy reminder of my youth. Listen to me. They’re 3 years younger than me. My youth. I don’t know what I’m talking about. They have an innocence though, that I’d like to think I used to have and remember fondly. Don’t know if it’s true of not, but it’s fun to think it anyway. And Kara’s a SWEETHEART! She reminds me of Celery (yeah, I know, everything does! But this is valid!) She’s shy like him, but she’s got a sly sense of humour that always catches you at the weirdest times. It always takes me by surprise, and I’ll look at her sometimes, wondering if she really said what I think she just said, and if she meant it to be funny. She’ll always give me a grin, and I’ll have to laugh all over again, knowing she did.

I don’t remember feeling this excited about Christmas since I was a little kid - okay, since ever. It’s such a high. Instead of being all miserable, missing him, I’m all charged up, knowing that soon he’s going to be here. Like, when I’m trying to fall asleep at night, instead of the loneliness, instead of having the fear and doubts creep up, all I am is excited for the time when he’ll be in bed with me. I’m not even talking about that kind of excited, you dirty person. Just like, normal excited. Little kid waiting for their birthday present excited. The something good’s coming and you don’t know if you can stand waiting for it anymore kind of excited.

Any communication with him is getting to be outrageous. We can’t carry on a conversation (or even a chat) coherently. Whatever we try to talk about gets filled up with us moaning to each other about how we can’t take the waiting anymore. One night, when we’re chatting, he writes, “I need to touch you - soon,” and I’m blown away. Celery’s not the kind of guy who can just up and say stuff like that. I’m way less reserved, and I have trouble. It meant a lot, having him say that. I of course replied in kind, knowing exactly what he meant. This is getting to be too much. I’m happy-excited-anxious, but that doesn’t mean I’m not also insane-anxious. I can’t sit still much these days. I have to be doing something, or I’m bound to be going crazy. Sometimes I do the crazy thing whether I’m busy or not.

I’m either all the way turned on or all the way turned off. Hyper or listless. Not bad listless, just, I don’t care what’s really going on around me so long as time is passing relatively painlessly listlessly. Not the same kind as before Thanksgiving though. Not the really depressed couldn’t care less about anything kind. I just, need time to be passing. Right now I can’t offer a huge lot of anything else. Everyone understands. Is cool about it. It’s nice to be understood and accommodated, but Jonas is still on ‘only to an extent’ duty. He doesn’t let me slip too far away from them. I love him for that. I also love him for a million other things, it’s just nice to be able to acknowledge that I appreciate what he’s doing instead of being a loser and resenting it.

Sunday afternoon again, not doing much. I'm fine with that. In the mood for it. Hanging out, no activities. It's my kind of thing. I'm good at it. I'm good at lots of things that don't take much effort.

I’m alone too, which is sort of out of the ordinary, but I’m actually really enjoying it. The peace and quiet can be quite enjoyable when you do it right. I like to take my peace and quiet with whinny rock music and at least vaguely depressing literature. I’m sort of a wallower, what can I say.

Suddenly, my peace, quiet and emo comes to an abrupt end when I hear the front door slam, and Jonas shout, "Grachny brachny!" that’s dirty bastard in NADSAT. Jonas often likes to swear in Clockwork Orange tongue.

I get up, walk out into the hall and see him fuming in the front by the stairs. Kyle must still be outside or something.

"Fighting again I see?" Jonas shrugs, unconcerned. "You guys do that a lot." He shrugs again.

"It's just a joke."

"Most of the time, right?" He smiles ruefully.

"Right."

"What was it about this time?" I ask, walking with him back to the living room and sitting down.

"Nothing of consequence."

"I must know," He grins.

"Get used to disappointment," the grin, I'm guessing, is because I picked up a PB reference without bursting into tears, and what's more was able to continue it. Behold the magic of the happiness pact at work.

We don't anything more and in less than five minutes Kyle arrives, grinning.

"Still mad?" He asks Jonas teasingly. Jonas glares at him, but his eyes are laughing.

"Come here idiot." Kyle trots over and pecks Jonas's cheek.

I don't know if I'll ever get fully used to seeing my brother kissing another guy, especially Jonas, but the not quite used to it I am is a more happy feeling than negative. When they kiss it's like every time is the first time, and it always have that adorable, slightly awkward feel of their very first. The way they kiss sometimes reminds me of two straight guys wondering where the girls parts are, which I guess is sort of what they are. Not that I think they picture the other as the girl to be able to kiss or anything. They're both guys and they know it. I guess I'm just not explaining this very well. Oh well. You never listen to me anyway, and hardly ever understand me when you do, whether I'm making sense or not. Why mess with a good thing?

"Let’s go see a movie," Jonas suddenly suggests.

A movie? We never go see movies.

"Like, in the theatre?" He shrugs.

"Well, yeah," I look at Kyle. He seems fine with the idea.

"So, what movie?"

"Doesn't matter,"

"Doesn't matter?"

"Nope,"

"There isn't something you want to see?"

"I don't know, I'm sure there's something,"

"If you don't know what it is you want to see, how do you know you want to go to a movie?"

"I just do. It's something I haven't done in awhile. Renting movies is more your guys's style I know, but I like going to the theatre every once in awhile. Getting that whole movie experience, you know?" No. But hey, let’s go anyway. I haven't gone to a movie in awhile either. Might even be some kind of crazy fun.

"Okay, so we're going to go see a movie. Someone get the paper at least so we can see what's playing,"

"I don't really care what's playing," I roll my eyes. I know he's getting at something, trying get me to understand it's all about the experience or whatever, but come on.

"We don't want to like, hang around the theatre for hours, waiting for something to start, you know?" Jonas gives in a little.

"Okay, get the paper," I nod at Kyle. He sighs, but obeys.

"So, what's the plan? We find the right time, who cares what the movie is?" Jonas nods. It's his plan. I only shrug. I'll leave decisions up to him.

"We've got a 3:20 showing here, that's about right, huh?"

"Perfect, let's go," Jonas takes the lead, and Kyle and I follow.

"You know what this is about?" I whisper with a sideways glance. He grins, shrugging.

"It's Jonas, just a weird idea for fun I think," I nod.

"Probably so,"

The ride goes by fast. Jonas and Kyle play some silly game, duelling radio stations, seeing which one can find the worst song. Jonas wins when he hits "Skater Boi" by Avril Lavigne. I shudder when I even THINK of that horrible song. And I’m not even going to go into how much spelling boy with an “i" annoys me. I'm alone in the back, and it's a good thing the rides short, cause I can't take too long back there alone before I start flipping out, missing Celery. The back used to be so cool. Now it's just lonely. Like so many things. But as always, those kinds of thoughts get pushed away. No time to feel sorry for myself now. We're going to some movie, right? Having fun.

Anyway, he’ll be here soon. 14 days. Nothing to stress about.

In line for whatever movie starts at 3:20, a rather surprising thing happens. It surprises me anyway. Jonas is the first in line of all of us, and Kyle's right behind him. The second we get in line Kyle's arms slips around Jonas's waist, and Jonas leans calmly into him. Surprising. Like, we're in the middle of a mall, standing in line for some movie. Strangers everywhere. This makes the situation unpredictable, dangerous. But they're acting like it's nothing. Everything perfectly natural here. Wait a minute. I see what's going on. Jonas and Kyle are straight. What I mean is, they haven't grown up, being told they had to hide their feelings, guard their looks and actions. They're used to being able to freely express emotion and affection any time they want. A straight guy doesn't worry about whether or not it's safe to be hugging his girlfriend in line. They probably don't even get it.

Some guy behind us mutters, 'fags'. I hate those loud enough for everyone to hear mutters. It's like, why bother trying to sound like you're saying something under your breath, if it's going to be so loud everyone can hear it? It's just stupid. Anyway, Kyle and Jonas turn to me, all concerned, thinking the guy was talking to me. I almost laugh.

"It's not funny man, he shouldn't talk to you like that," I shake my head, still biting my lip against the laughter that's building.

"Faggots!" The mutter shouts. Kyle’s about to charge when I grab his shoulder.

"Dude don't bother."

"I'm not going to let him talk about you like that," I didn't want to tell them, cause I figured it'd shake them up, but like, something has to be done.

"He wasn't talking about me,"

"So who was he talking about?" Kyle asks, still looking pissed. I sigh.

"You dude, you and Jonas," Kyle looks at me confusedly for a second, before looking down Jonas's form. His brow is still knitted.

"We're like, holding hands Kyle," Jonas says, shaking his head. I can tell he only just figured it out.

"So?" I had no idea it was possible to be this oblivious about something. He still doesn’t get it. I’m thinking Kyle took my whole, ‘don’t think of him as another guy, just as Jonas’ lesson a little too much to heart.

"So we're a couple of guys! First we were hugging and now we're holding hands. What do you think that makes us dude?" Kyle's starting to get pissed off all over again.

"Not fags, that's for sure," Jonas and I sigh. We've reached the ticket box by now. The poor kid behind the screen is looking weirded and nervous. I smile. I mean, it's not his fault, why complicate his day?

"Three tickets for..." I check the time.

Oh sweet fancy Moses. Maid in Manhattan?

I turn back to Jonas and Kyle. Jonas is now trying to calm Kyle down. "Dudes, the 3:20 movie is Maid in Manhattan - you couldn't pay me to see this shit," They stare for a second, and then Kyle laughs.

"Maid in Manhattan?" I nod, starting to understand why this is funny. Jonas is catching on too.

"Droogs, I don't even want to see anything anymore, let's just go home," Jonas gets out between chuckles. Through chuckles of our own, we nod.

On the way out, the mutter calls us all fags, and I give him the finger while Kyle hugs Jonas defiantly closer.

"You're going to hell!" He shouts as we reach the doors.

"See you there then!" I shout back following Jonas and Kyle out.

As we're getting into the car, Kyle stops for a second, grinning at us, "What I want to know is - what was THAT guy doing standing alone in line for Maid in Manhattan?" There's a moment of silence, and we all crack up.

Good times.

We keep having more of them. A lot of the time I spend all over the place emotionally, but there’s nothing new, strange or unexpected about that. I miss him all the time, so the weird moments are always lurking ready to show themselves. That’s okay though. I’m all about embracing missing him now. It’s actually going quite well. In fact I miss him more everyday. It’s getting to close. His arrival. I can taste it. I really can. I can see him, feel him, all that in the most painful almost way. It’s days now. You hear that? Days. Not months and not weeks. DAYS.

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