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>Psst. Happiness is bad. Pass it on. > >--- > >Dear Asparagus (this is one of those sweeping farewell >things, so I get to call you whatever I want), > >I ask you to forgive the obviousness of this gesture >and embrace the cliché. There’s no deep symbolism, so >don’t waste your time looking, I just couldn’t come up >with something more original or less painful than a >letter. You’ll notice there’s also a mix cd (we’ll >leave the tapes and snobbery to Kaleb). It’s almost >poetic and fitting, if you’re not thinking about >things too hard. Anyway, it’ll have to do. > >I’m being marvelously selfish, doing things like this, >and I just want you to know that I know it. I may >even be proud of it. It’s hard to say. The guts of >it is, I just couldn’t go through all this with you >near by - possibly even attempting something as >alarming as eye contract. A letter is easier, and >that’s pretty much the only reason why I’m doing it. >The big thing that I ask of you is to respect it, >despite the fact that it sucks as a way of saying >goodbye. I don’t know if the anger and eye rolling >I’m imagining right now is too hopeful and optimistic, >but if you’re feeling what I suspect you might, I’ll >clarify that I’d also like you to respect the fact >that this IS good bye, along with respecting (or at >least tolerating) the form. > >The why’s of good bye I’d have even less luck getting >out right or at all if you were around, but I’m going >to give them a shot here. > >The thing is, I was surprised when I came over to your >house and found you gone. I didn’t expect it when you >stopped coming to school for awhile. I wasn’t ready >for it. And that gave me a lot to think about. Cause >I knew as soon as I realized where you had gone what >you’d be coming back with. I think I might even have >beaten you to that one. So, though I was surprised >when I discovered you gone, nothing surprised me less >than seeing Celery’s hand in yours when you finally >did come back. With nothing to be surprised about, I >had already made my mind up about a few things. Now, >I understand that this might be quite surprising for >you, that according to conventional wisdom I should >probably be happy for you, but I just can’t do it. >I’m sorry, I honestly am, but I’m really too busy >being sad for me at the moment. > >So, there’s that. And I know that in that blank way >you often think about things, you’re probably thinking >something along the lines of, “but you’re my friend”, >which means that I care about your pain more than my >own or whatever, but um, sorry, no. I think if you’ll >think about it, that’s actually never really what we >are about anyway. > >The truth is, I’m not the kind of friend you think I >am, or the kind of friend I’d like to be. Not really. > The way we’ve been, these months we’ve had together, >they weren’t real. It was like a game you know? Just >playing. Just pretend. This thing that’s been >between us, it’s not your real life. You couldn’t >deal so you escaped into a world with me for a little >while. And no matter what you do with Celery, what >shit you guys work out – and I wish you a lot of luck >with that by the way, I honestly do – me and you, >that’s not going to last. Not just cause I don’t like >the guy and that’s mutual. Fantasy or not, I’m not >really interested in giving up the idea of what I’ve >had with you. If you and I kept hanging out, I’d >always be second fiddle to Celery. I don’t care how >much you two grow as people and as a couple, you’ll >always love each other best, and maybe there’s nothing >wrong with that. I’m not the one to make that call. >All I know is this thing with you and me is finished. > >And it would end up being finished eventually anyway, >but if it’s now instead of later, at least it gets to >be on my terms, and maybe I get to keep the memory of >us the way I want it. Don’t think this means I’m not >bummed out about all this either. Because I am. In a >big and annoyingly painful way. I mean, I care about >you, in a way I’ve never cared about anyone. You were >a revelation for me Asparagus. And I thank you for >that. You showed me a new world of my own. Gave me a >little faith in this our human race. But as much as >I’d love to hold onto that, I think you know just as >well as I do that’s not possible. If we try to stay >friends, it’ll just add grief to what I’m sure is >already going to be a damn hard road for the two of >you, getting yourselves back on track. Not to say the >two of you can’t have friends, separate ones even >maybe someday, but man, not ones like me. I may not >be in love with you, but I’m every bit as possessive >as your man Wonder Boy. And I’m not going to sit >around apologizing for it, but if you’ll remember, I >do have my karma to be concerned with. > >I can’t be a concept for you, I can’t stick around and >‘keep you honest’ or do my part to save your >relationship. That’s up to you now. I kept you >together as best I could this year, but to now >awkwardly form a Lord of the Rings metaphor, I can’t >very well go on being Steward when the King has >Returned. > >If that hasn’t got you smiling, or at least >considering that maybe this not being friends with me >anymore thing doesn’t actually sound so bad, let me >sum this all up for you one more time. > >You used me. And I happily let myself be used – I did >it with a song in my heart – but no more. I love you, >really do, but I need you to not be in my life >anymore. I need you to leave and I need you to not >come back. If you do I’ll let you in and we’ll end up >listening to bad pop and doing the crossword like old >times. Except at the end of the day you’ll go home to >Celery and even while you’re with me that’s where your >heart will be. You and me both know you’ll NEVER >really say ‘Celery be damned’ and mean it. Not about >anything. And I’m not about to ask you to. So let’s >end this now. Let’s leave it, because I want to keep >you the way I remember you. I want to know that once >I held someone’s focus and that even while their whole >world was falling apart I sometimes made them laugh. >I’d like to think I did some good in your life, I >thank you for all that you did in mine. But this IS >where we part ways. And it’s not bullshit, in case >that’s what you happen to be frantically and a bit >furiously thinking. It’s what I need. > >Keeping your relationship with Celery healthy is up to >you and him – not me. You got your family, let them >be there for you finally. Really let them back into >your life. I don’t think you’ll be sorry with the >outcome. You don’t need the refuge you took in me >anymore. Maybe if we worked at it our relationship >could change, and I’d get used to just being your >buddy, but I’d really rather not. I’m looking out for >me now okay? I don’t mean to hurt you, but I ask you >to respect me enough to do what I’m asking. It might >not be what’s right, but I do believe it’s what’s >necessary. I think if you give it some thought, >you’ll see what I mean. > >My parting advice as someone who loves you is that you >cease your life by the hand and take responsibility >for yourself. That’s the only way you’ll ever be the >kind of person I know you want to be. I believe you >can do it, I even believe you and Wonder Boy can be >disgustingly happy together even to the point of >ecstasy. I may even believe he deserves to share that >with you, as long as it makes you happy in the >process. > >The last thing I’ll ask of you is that you don’t let >this be the thing that colours your memory and opinion >of me. If you think about me, and I hope from time to >time you will (and be damn sure to tell Celery about >it – keep that bastard on his toes) think about the >absurdity. Think about the bad music and the anti >social behavior and possibly the curling. Think about >the crosswords you never knew any of the answers to, >leaving me great opportunity to be smug. Think about >Avril. > >And just in case you were considering it, don’t worry >about me. It’s almost time for graduation, and >University - where, if there’s any fairness in this >world, people aren’t so stupid – is right around the >corner. When we see each other – and you know we >will, the school’s not that big – let’s agree to >smile, and then walk away. Maybe that way we can >always be friends in our hearts. > >Or you know, whatever. > >Rock on, rock on, peace out, > >Colin
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