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>So this is the first real chapter of the story. >Maybe. I do love my revision, and I can hardly be >sure about anything ever, certainly not the direction >or even life expectancy of a story when I'm this early >into the writing, but I figured I'd take pity on you >poor saps and give you something to do. Maybe your >comments will even give ME something to do. Anyway, >the chapter's real, read it. > >Story Note: That poem about Jonas' soul's dark >darkness was his most orginal. > > > >This is my life. I remember it now. Being alone, >being confused, feeling guilty and pushed away from >everyone who tries to get in. I know this. This is >familiar terrain. These past few months with the >Vasskez’s were not my life. I don’t get lucky like >this, I don’t get family like this. It’s exactly the >last way I expected to lose it all, but at least I >knew it was coming. > >Carrots is trying, god bless him. Love works out for >people in his world, and he thinks it can happen for >us. But he’s so totally wrong on this one. If Kyle >was a girl, or I was a girl, or if either of us were >actually gay, it still would be a monumentally bad >idea. I tell Kyle more than I tell most people, but >there’s still plenty I don’t. Won’t ever, quite >probably. And honestly man, I’ve heard honestly is >pretty damn important for the relationships that work >thing. I can’t do it, not even with him, and least of >all about my feelings for him. Never mind that it >would be friendship suicide, even if this was some >upside down alternate reality where he felt the same, >I’m not ready to let anyone be so in control of >everything I feel, everything that I am. At the very >least, if I’m already stuck in such a situation with >Kyle, the last thing I need is for him to know it. > >--- > >In retrospect, of course I fell in love with Kyle. I >mean – could there be anyone less likely, less >convenient? And I don’t just mean the I’m a guy, he’s >a guy, neither of us roll that way issue. Not that >that isn’t causing me its own share of grief. Cause, >come on. But no. It’s so much worse than that. >Because it’s Kyle. KYLE for gods sake. The man is >impossible enough as it is. ‘Come shoot paint at >people with me Jonas’, ‘what do you mean you don’t >want to watch TV and annoy Carrots with me Jonas?’ do >this Jonas… try this… come on… it’ll be fun… Not to >mention the whole other problem, being the ‘share your >pain with me Jonas. Seriously. Do it now’ aspect of >friendship that Kyle seems to think is natural and >mandatory. I’ve never had a friend who was so >demanding, and to make matters worse, so utterly >unaware of it. Kyle’s not used to doing anything >alone, and since I got promoted to >Extra-Special-Best-Friend (whenever that happened) >he’s obliviously assumed I’m on call to do anything >and everything with him. Which, okay, damnit, I guess >I am. I just never realized WHY. Until that very >unfortunate night, when through a heavily intoxicated >haze I finally saw him for what he really is, at least >to me, and now, several weeks later, I can’t believe I >never noticed it. And I criticize Carrots for being >unobservant. HA! I mean, I follow the guy around >everywhere. ME. Mister Disinterested, I’ll be >friends with you maybe, I guess, but mostly because I >have to, and you’re certainly not coming over to my >house, or spending time with me generally after >school. That’s ME time. Well, with Kyle, there is no >such thing as ‘me’ time. But it’s not like its Kyle >Time either. It’s ‘us’ time. And I suppose, in the >interests of historical accuracy, I must admit, it’s >not just him dragging me out places. I’ve been known >to do some dragging of my own, but see, that’s STILL >his fault. Being all wonderful and interesting and up >for stuff. > >With Carrots and Celery it started out being a >project. Half because they amused me and half because >I saw them drifting to the edge of something and for >some reason I didn’t want to see them fall off. Maybe >because they interested me and no one had done that in >a long time. I liked them. I couldn’t remember there >ever being a time when I liked someone first, or felt >moved to try to win their friendship. And right after >them – when my defenses were down and I was just >trying to find my footing and get my head about this >‘happiness’ thing – came Kyle. Like a bullet. > >I didn’t stand a chance. > >--- > >I bluffed him. That’s the only way I can describe it. > I totally and completely bluffed him. I made this >bold one hundred percent bullshit speech that made it >sound like I had a fucking clue what I was doing or >feeling, and he bought it. Not just bought it – >bought it and then gave me this huge impressive speech >about loving me that blew me away seven million >different ways, and all I had to say was ‘thank you’ >and he hugged the crap out of me. Something is >seriously wrong with this picture. > >--- > >Kissing Kyle is the strangest thing. Drunken fumbling >aside, really kissing him is a surreal experience. >Partly still out of how right it seems, how necessary. > But there are practical reasons as well. He’s a guy. > Which means, well, no breasts pressing up against my >chest, no occasional smears of sugary lip gloss and >big strong hands on my shoulders and face as our >mouths meet and tongues clash. There are new places I >feel my hands wanting to touch, new sensations and >responses. The intensity of it probably has more to >do with Kyle than the ‘GUY!’ part, but it’s different >none the less. The heat of it is alternately exciting >and frightening. When his mouth is on mine its want >want want in my head and heart, but then when we get >to the point where we pull away gasping and avoiding >each others eyes, a sick fear replaces these feelings. > I want to lose control, and have him do the same, but >I’m not sure I’m entirely prepared for the results. >After all, what happens if one of us really just >can’t, when it actually comes down to it? What >happens to our friendship then? > >--- > >“Celery?” > >“Yeah – Jonas? What’s up man, you sound kind of >freaked?” > >“More like very, shit, man.” > >“Expand.” This has got to be why Carrots loves him. >The unfazed by the universe in times of panic voice >he’s got. That ‘I’m here, I’m listening, everything’s >going to be okay’. > >“I want, fuck, I’m fucking…” This is not going well. > >“Take a moment.” > >I follow this excellent advice. I breathe. I shut my >eyes and when I open them again I say very clearly, “I >want to have sex with Kyle.” > >“Well I should think so. You’re in love with him.” He >replies calmly. > >“It’s a little more complicated than that.” > >“Sure, but dude, it always is.” > >“Is it now?” > >“That’s been my experience.” > >“Okay, look, I get that there was probably pressure >and everything when you finally got down with Carrots >– 10 years plus of loving not to mention lusting after >each other an all plus the double virginity gambit – >but I’ve like, I’ve had sex man.” > >“With girls.” > >“Right. Exactly.” > >“So it’s going to be different. Scary.” > >“Yes!” > >“Have you talked to him about any of this?” > >“No. Very no.” > >“Might want to.” > >“Celery – you know I love you – but I mean – I’m >talking to YOU about this right? For a reason, you >get it? Kyle’s my best friend, I talk to HIM about >stuff like this. Except I can’t right? Because it >also happens to be ABOUT him? You dig?” > >“That’s exactly why you should talk to him.” > >“I’d rather just attack him you know? Leave the >talking.” > >“Okay. Do that then.” Yeah. On second thought, >that calm in the face of the storm tone he’s got going >on is damn annoying. > >“This has been extremely unhelpful. Thank you Celery.” > >He laughs. “No problem.” > >I say, “fuck you”, and then hang up the phone. > >I’m so screwed. And NOT in the fun way. > > >“So?” > >“So what Carrots?” > >“Are you guys shagging each other blind?” > >“Shagging Carrots? Seriously? Who do you think you >are?” > >“Do you prefer ‘sexing it up’?” > >“No.” > >“But, are you?” > >“Don’t we have rules about stuff like this? I >distinctly remember us having rules about stuff like >this.” > >“Those rules pertained mostly to me and Celery.” > >“And they don’t apply to MY life, is that it?” > >“Basically, yes.” > >“I see.” > >“Kyle, seriously. I just want to know if things are >going okay with you guys. Celery said Jonas was kind >of freaked about it before.” > >Oh he did, did he? That rat bastard. > >“He did?” > >“Yeah.” > >“Well, we’re, it’s fine. It’s good. We’re guys, you >know? Sexual peak or whatever.” > >“So things are good?” > > “Sure, definitely.” Kyle sounds distinctly >frightened Carrots will push for details. I say >‘sounds’ because I can’t actually see anything. >Because I’m currently eavesdropping from the other >side of Kyle’s door. Which would be why everyone’s >talking about me like I’m not here. > >“Okay, well I’m glad.” > >“Yeah, me too.” > >I take advantage of the resulting awkward silence to >make my move. Into the apartment that is. I smile, >although inwardly I’m seething. > >“Hey guys,” I drop a kiss of Kyle’s head, and then >invade his personal space a little more by sitting >down with him on the just too small for two puffy >chair he’s got in the living room approximation in his >apartment. I move my hand somewhat aggressively from >his knee to mid thigh, but leave it a polite distance >away. Behind me, I can hear Kyle gulp, and I seethe a >little more. This was SO not a problem anymore, and >now thanks to a little help from our friends the >Dysfunctional Vegetable Squad, Kyle thinks it is. > >Only it’s NOT. Hours, I’m talking hours, after that >phone call with Celery, I decided I really DID like my >plan better, and I went over to Kyle’s and jumped him. > To extremely satisfying results, I have to say. >Turns out I like his man parts just fine, and he feels >the same. To tell you the truth, I’m finding the >whole sex thing one of the easiest things about this >whole being in love with your male best friend lark. >It’s like Kyle said to Carrots – we’re guys. We like >sex, we like each other, lucky for us we REALLY like >sex with each other. What’s not to love? > >Kyle and Carrots have been chatting randomly since I >arrived, but I guess he’s finally picked up on the >vibes I’ve been sending, cause I notice now that >Carrots is extracting himself from the conversation >and getting up. > >“Well, I haven’t used up my sulking alone in my room >listening to emo quota yet today, so I think I’ll go >do that now.” > >I flash him a genuine smile, cause he’s funny like >that, and still the one who gave me the key to almost >all the doors in this kingdom, and because he’s my >brother. “Good luck with that.” > >“You too.” He says significantly, winking horribly >before exiting. I make a mental note to discuss a >banning of all future winking with the group later. > >I decide the best way to put Kyle’s mind at ease about >me being nervous about sex is the hands on approach, >and I don’t let his mouth free long enough for him to >object. > >When we’re done however, sprawled out on his bed (we >got there somehow), instead of rolling onto his back >and then pulling me up against him like he does Kyle >shifts onto his side, props himself up with an elbow >and stares at me reproachfully. > >“What?” I ask, trying not to sound defensive. > >He clucks his tongue and idly plays with one of my >dreads. > >“You know, you told me a lot of stuff you shouldn’t >have before we started going out if you were really >going to play this pulling away, illusion of intimacy >thing with me.” He says conversationally. > >“Excuse me?” > >“Come on, Jo. I recognize that I can be kind of >action oriented – not big on the introspection – but >I’m not an idiot, you know? And I know you pretty >well. I pay attention.” > >“No one’s saying you don’t.” I hedge. > >“Yeah, so, give me some credit then.” > >“About what?” I know it’s a bad move strategically, >but all the same, the look in his eyes is crowding me >too much to stand, and I start inching away from him. > >“Stuff like that. How you suddenly went from freaked >about sleeping with me to a sex maniac and became >nearly unable to talk to me or have me close when >we’re not fucking in the same breath.” > >It takes a supreme effort on my part not to spring >from the bed and get the hell out. I compromise by >turning on my side, my back to him. Kyle’s hand comes >to my shoulder, and I shake it off. “Fuck off.” Is >the most diplomatic response I can manage. > >“I love you.” He says clearly. “I want you.” I hear >the pillow rustling, and guess he’s shaking his head. >“I wasn’t aware I was going to have to sacrifice the >first to have the second.”
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