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Date Posted: 13:34:02 05/08/03 Thu
Author: Sprite
Subject: Yes, folks, it's time for the Family Visit Edition! Or as Rob would say, "I've Been Really Bad"
In reply to: Sprite 's message, "Surivior Fashion Commentary!" on 13:18:26 05/08/03 Thu

This is a very special week that only comes once per season. A week full of laughter, tears, and numerous fashion faux pas. A week when this fashion icon takes a long-deserved break from mocking, ridiculing, and berating the contestants… only to turn my angry pen towards their 'loved ones.' Yes, folks, it's time for the Family Visit Edition!



Jacare Tribe



Rob Cesternino

I know I said I would lay off the contestants this week, but this one I simply couldn't ignore! LOLOLOLOL!!

Rob earned himself a Fashion Citation for perhaps the most hideous (lack of) outfit ever displayed on Survivor. Clad only in his Aunt Jemimah knotted buff and his somewhat baggy swim briefs, Rob nearly caused me to lose what little I had eaten for dinner. (And based on the way he fills out his Speedo, it's easy to see why he can't get a girlfriend.)

By contrast, Rob's mother Roseanne was pretty put together, all things considered, in a black strappy tank and bone ¾ length shorts. My only quibble with Roseanne's look was her somewhat-frizzy frosted hair, which was piled haphazardly on her head with a white plastic butterfly clip.

Quote of the Week:
Rob, to his mom Roseanne: "I've been very bad." Roseanne: "I'm shocked."
Future Sitcom-Writer Rob's One-liners of the Week:
(After betraying Heidi and Jenna.) "It's kind of like I'm hanging out with two ex-girlfriends at the same time that both hate me."
(In response to Jenna's attack.) "I am a jerk, and you just didn't realize it for 31 days."
(Explaining his game strategy.) "I pick up the bottom-feeders as I go."
(At the challenge.) "I haven't broke this many dishes since I was a waiter."

And my personal favorite:
(Responding to Jenna's complaint that, as a model, she faces discrimination.) "I was lucky in this game that I'm not handsome, so I didn't have any handicaps like the girls found." LOLOLOLOL!!

Fashion Citation for Unwarranted Nudity: -25



Butch Lockey

Butch's wife, Cindy, won't be helping him earn the Diva points he so desperately needs to come back from his overwhelming deficit. In her boxy jean shorts, baggy navy T, and white tennis shoes, she looked downright frumpy. Add to that a dated light brown bob (with telltale dark brown roots) and you get a fashion citation for his 'loved one.'

Quote of the Week:
(After the family visit and the champagne-laden celebration.) "It made you also… what… feel good… and that's what life's all about." (Immediately after this quote, Butch was seen puking his guts out.) I wonder how that plays back at school? LOLOLOL!

Fashion Citation for Frumpy Wife: -25



Jenna Morasca

Jenna's dad Michael certainly wasn't model material in his baggy navy T and olive shorts, though his close-cropped white hair was stylish and age-appropriate. (Interestingly enough, Jenna wore her treasured 'Rush Zetas' T-shirt for the visit.)

Jenna's Quotes of the Week:
"We are normal. The game just makes us abnormal." (We beg to differ, Jenna.)

"I showed my dad my hairy legs." (There's an admission I could have done without.)

"I have morals and I have ethics." (This quote was funnier than any of Rob's one-liners!)
Best Quote of the Week: 50



Christy Smith

(Deceased 5/1/03.) In her first week as a Diva, Christy fell victim to the 'Diva of the Week' curse!

Her only consolation? Her cute-as-a-button boyfriend, Brent, who looked relatively good in his sky blue T, tan pants, and brown hiking shoes. (The dull outfit wasn't Diva-worthy good, mind you, but a cute face and lean body can make a huge difference!)

Christy's Quote of the Week:

(About Heidi's request for a new alliance.) "Since when have you ever wanted to talk to me?"

(To her boyfriend)"I'm going to be in the final four."

(Famous last words, at tribal council.) "I am in the driver's seat. I make the final decision."

(In her 'final words.') "I'm gonna make sure those freaking evil stepsisters of mine are not gonna win the million dollars." Proving that once again she doesn't have a clue what's going on.

Diva Points for 'Cutest Loved-One': 25


Heidi Strobel

Heidi's mom Kathy seemed to be cut from the same mold as Butch's wife. In her grey tank top, jean shorts, and brown boy-cut, she was simply dull as toast. Don't these people know they are being seen by millions?

Heidi's Quote of the Week:

(In response to Rob's 'screw them all' game strategy.) "That's where our morals are different. I played really hard and I gave up a lot of stuff for other people." (Wow. Talk about delusional! LOLOLOLOL)

Fashion Citation for Dull Mom: -25



Matthew Von Ertfelda

Up against very little competition, Matt's mom wins Diva of the Week for her classy, intelligent demeanor. Looking more-than-a-little like Anne Bancroft in her bobbed nearly-black hairstyle, Matt's mom was casual but age-appropriate in her cornflower blue T-shirt and jeans (with a white over-shirt tied at the waist.) And in a Diva moment, she told her notoriously-stiff son "Don't be so formal!" In his own Diva moment, at the challenge feast, Matt was seen in a new Kelly green v-neck T (presumably so his mother wouldn't lose her appetite staring at his emaciated body.)

Matt's Quotes of the Week:

(About his 'gift' to the others, allowing them to see family members.) "I felt like I was god for a moment."

(About his visit from Mom.) "It sucked. I had to, like, express some emotion, I hate doing that."

Diva of the Week: 50

The Jury


Dave Johnson

Still looking a bit dull in the jury, but stepping it up a notch, former-Diva Dave was seen in a purple notch-cut sleeveless T (which he wore with the same bone colored pants and leather sandals he has worn for the last two weeks!) I was happy that he finally trimmed his facial hair into an interesting (if not entirely successful) 'Fu-Manchu' goatee (this cutting-edge style includes the soul patch, and the moustache which continues down to the chin, but does not include the chin hair itself.)

Deena Bennett

Deena looked frumpy as ever in her gray tank top and white boxy shorts. She is clearly not taking my fashion advice seriously.

Alex Bell

Alex lived up to his former-Diva status with a 'bad boy' look that pleased this critic very much. He brightened the otherwise dull jury pool in a black linen shirt and dark fitted jeans. His freshly moussed hair looked healthy and happy, and his attempt at a 'Fu-Manchu' was much more successful than Dave's, mostly because of Alex's thick, dark facial hair.

Summary
With only five remaining contenders, the numbers are as follows:

Comic relief Rob leads with 150 points,
Jenna with 50 points
and Heidi with 25.

In the minus column are Matt with negative 50,
and Diva-Disaster Butch with -225.

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  • Here it is - your Survivor update. "I Have The Power!" -- Lance, 18:45:08 05/08/03 Thu
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