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Date Posted: 16:22:46 04/30/03 Wed
Subject: Remember when the US was cool?
In reply to:
's message, "Unembedded news are back!" on 04:17:26 04/30/03 Wed
by Shane Kosakowski
Remember when the US was cool? It wasn’t that long ago, think back.
We were the fun, rich, good-looking, popular country. We drove the coolest
car and had the tasty girlfriend with the big tits and the pool.
We hung out with all the other cool countries, but still said
hi to Mexico in the hallways (even though he smelled like a spicy
sweatsuit). We were the best athlete and played guitar in a shitty
band. We would get drunk and prank Russia and do coke on the away
bus. We would kick somebody’s ass if they fucked with our
friends and we would lend money if our friends were fucked. We
were a superhero in the history of the world.
Sure, we were only human. We hooked up with Panama’s girlfriend while he was
away at soccer camp. We got caught smoking a blunt in our basement and
blamed it on Nicaragua. We felt up El Salvador’s sister when she
got drunk and fell asleep. We pretended to be friends with Greece, and
then made fun of her behind her back (after all, that bitch did look
like Snufalupagos). We did a lot of things that young, stupid countries
do when they’re growing up; mistakes the rest of the world could
overlook. Then, I don’t know…we changed.
We started picking on the band kids more than we used to. And instead of just calling them
“dorks,” we began to slap them around a little. When they
didn’t let us copy off their tests, we’d wait for them outside
of class and drop their pants in front of Sweden and Brazil. Sure, we’d
still help Columbia if somebody was talking shit to him, and we’d
give Canada a ride home whenever she needed it, but you could really
tell that we thought we were a little too cool. You could see we were
getting a little too cocky to hang out with.
Before you knew it, America was, officially, the big dickhead. We went from being the
fun-loving character, who would get drunk and pretend we were fucking
a lamp, to the guy talking on his cell phone at the gym. Now we wear
purple-tinted sunglasses inside the mall and wife-beaters to the bar
(to show off our barbed-wire tattoo). Nobody likes us anymore; when
the world sees our name on caller I.D., they just let it go to voicemail.
Look at who we hang out with now—England. Fucking England! How
long has it been since England was cool? The only chicks that call England
have chipped teeth and pockmarks.
So where do we find ourselves? It’s Friday night and we’ve decided to
crash the party that we didn’t get invited to. Iraq got a keg,
a band and is charging everybody 10 bucks at the door. We’ve decided
to walk into the backyard, beat the shit out of Iraq and only let our
friends fill their cups. What will the rest of the world do? Individually
speak out against us? Yeah right…we’ll fuck shit up. All
get together and beat the shit out of us? Nope—most of them don’t
like each other anyway. So what would you do to a bully that is taking
what isn’t theirs, a bully who is too big to defeat alone, a bully
who must understand the repercussions of being a douchebag?
You key his car.
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