Author:
Jade (Cruze Control)
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Date Posted: 00:54:19 12/16/07 Sun
In reply to:
Natalie
's message, "Auto pilot..." on 16:04:51 09/16/07 Sun
Hey there, my name is Rachelle. I just want you to know that i completely understand where you are coming from. I thought that i was so alone and that no one around me would ever understand unless they had experienced it themselves. I have had 2 abortions this year. i just currently had my second one just a couple of days ago. The reason why i am writing to you is that a lot of what you are feeling is what i couldn't confront the first time. your story stood out to me in the way you expressed yourself as if it were me. I became so emotional reading your story i felt compelled to write to you.
Having an abortion is the last thing you think about in life as it just would cross your mind. but as soon as you find out all of a sudden all aspects of your life seem to be affected by one thing. I was so consumed by all my emotions, beliefs i did not know how to contain it. I became depressed , started to have severe anxiety attacks for unknown reasons, the people around me were supportive but felt like they didn't know what else to say all but everything will be fine and that we are there for you. What can they say really? 6 months goes on still on auto pilot and a lot of binge drinking. 1 bottle of wine a night then became 2.then came 3. i didn't think at the time that there was anything wrong and it made me feel more normal drinking as i would come out of shell more like i was before i had my abortion. I thought that my immune system was strong and could obviously handle it. Then came to realize that i started to lose my memory and the conversations i would have i wouldn't be able to contain any information. That's when i knew that i has to stop.
There are so many things that i felt i lost after i had it done the first time. My confidence, securities, social interaction, self esteem, spirituality, making decisions, motivation, optimism etc. I felt that i completely lost myself. I took it out on others and started to become Depressed, angry and bitter. I did some research and realized that i suffer from PAS (Post Abortion Syndrome). They say it's common in most women who have abortions. it's worth having a look if not already done so. It gave me some direction in which way i may be headed.
Later this year when i was stuck in a black whole with black clouds around me and couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel, i had i small feeling of belief. Not sure where it came from. But from all the feeling of guilt i had been carrying around with me there was a small cloud of hope. I had previously though had gone through alot of the symptoms of PAS. I've had quiet a few anxiety attacks which is so uncontrollable. As i saw a cloud of hope later on that week i found out the i was pregnant again.
I don't want to take up too much of your time, but i wanted to share some of my experiences with you that you are not alone. i feel for you and what you are going through. Just want u to know that you are not alone with how you are feeling. I've read some good things about 'Rachel's Retreat' which i think i may be considering.
The way i'm trying to look at things now is that even though the year that i have had with the emotional turmoil of ups and downs is that, if we have been able deal with this much feeling in our life and what we have experienced that we can become stronger and better women for ourselves and those around us. I know it may seem so hard now but i feel that the first step is to love ourselves as selfish as it sounds.
I'm not sure if i helped in any which way but know that there is someone who is experiencing what you are. Thanks for your time.
Jade
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