Author:
Breanne
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Date Posted: 06:25:47 06/10/07 Sun
I had my first (and only) abortion in September of 2005. My mindset and life situation when I found out I had gotten pregnant wasn't the best: I was 22, working at a job I hated and living with my parents who were abusive in many ways. Life to me was a hard thing then.
I had fallen in love with a great guy and spent most of my time with him, the woes of life seemed to slip away when I was with him.
I became pregnant through carelessness, something I still think about to this day. I felt for some reason I had brought this upon myself.
I chose to have an abortion because even though I was 22, I was still very young inside and I lived in a very restrictive place that wasn't healthy for me or the father, let alone a baby.
Like Katy, I hated myself so much for my decision to end my pregnancy but I would have hated myself more had I brought my innocent child into an immature, choatic world.
All I have to say about that is it is completely different than what the media make it out to be.
Almost right after the abortion, I became filled with so much intense guilty emotion, my body hurt from it.
I cried uncontrollably for weeks on end afterward.
My guy had left the decision up to me and he seemed okay with my choice but the emotional aftermath (which I was NOT prepared for) drove a rift between us and we eventually parted ways. After going through something like that with him, it was hard for me to let him go but I understood why he did that. He was young too and didn't completely emotionally understand what had happened to us.
Every media coverage I had seen on abortion made it seem like it was something you could go in, have done, leave and life would go on. I did not allow myself to greive properly when it first happened, I just wanted to "get over it already" and get on with my life. Deep down I knew I was stuck at an emotional standstill and life was never going to go back to the way it was prior to the abortion.
During the time my partner and I were broken up I took the time to care for myself and read every book I could so I could make my life better. I was only 22, much too young to be throwing in the towel on love and life. I was getting back up and giving life another chance.
I found a great new job shortly after I made the decision to change my life and my new boss recommended a couple books to me. "Ask and It is Given" By Ester and Jerry Hicks was the first and best book I had read. Some people seek their help through the support of others or a church, I decided to seek my help through literature, the way I saw it was: the only person who knows whats best for me IS me!
I was embarassed by my decision too and was afraid of what a religious person might say to me if I asked a church for help.
The book helped me to turn myself around, it hasn't erased what I chose in the past but it has helped me realize how I attracted all those situations to myself in the first place.
My efforts paid off though, I made some great new friends and before Valentine's Day of 2006, my former boyfriend called me out of the blue! Since then, we have done our best to put our experience behind us and be happy again. As far as a relationship goes I have everything and more than I could ever ask for. I'm glad we were able to come to better terms about this situation.
Although I still get sad sometimes, I shed a few tears as I read Katy's message. I realize how lucky I am to have my youth, my freedom and I saved my child from a life of drama and pain. The world was a different place for me back then.
Maybe that happened to me for a reason, maybe I needed something like that to give me the perspective to change my life for good.
The only physical scar I can still see 2 years after is my low sex drive. Sex just isn't the same after you get pregnant for the first time.
I've been doing my best with exercising and eating Goji berries, both are said to enhance your sex drive. If anyone has any suggestions on how to help my post abortion lagging libido, that would be great.
I love my partner very much and it really hurts me that we don't have the intimacy we used to.
I miss the closeness... He wants to be close with him but I'm still holding back because of what happened.
I have came a long way, I am almost where I want to be as far as the Road of Recovery goes. Sorry this post is so long, but it felt good to tell my story.
Thank you so much to Brandi and Katy for their inspiring posts. Please, any further inpiring help will be much appreciated.
Thank you.
Breanne
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