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Subject: I need help with my monsters.


Author:
Elle
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Date Posted: 21:55:53 07/30/05 Sat

I am 19 years old.
I have been with my partner for just over six months and got pregnant almost exactly one month after we started seeing each other. I had an abortion at 16 weeks even though I didnt want it. My partner is a fair bit older than me, and I thought he would be ok with having a baby, but he wasnt. I told my sister with specific inatrutions not to tell my parents, but she did anyway and from that point onwards I had them calling me up almost every day telling me that I would be a bad person if I kept the child. All I have ever wanted is a baby and now I have killed my one wish... the one thing I know I would be good at.

About a week after the abortion my doctor called me up and told me that I had chlamydia, so I had to break the news to my partner and even though neither of us know who had it first I feel as though he blames me.

So for the last month I have been taking no less than 5 tablets a day and still bleeding and feeling awful.

The night before last I felt that (after being told by my doctor hat my fallopian tubes are probably very scarred) I have no longer any purpose for the community. I can't get a job no matter how hard I try, I joined a gym, but only go because it cost me so much money, I have been declined a position in the educational course that I desperatly want to take and my partner has been working and corresponding with his ex- girlfriend. I truly believed that I had no use to anyone and that here was no light at the end of the tunnel, so I ate a half a bottle of mefanamic acid.

It took me about half an hour before I could bring myself to tell my partner and when I did all he could do was yell at me and tell me how stupid and selfish I was being. I got put into the hospital and they kept me there overnight. When he came to get me yesterday morning all he could say was that he resented the fact that he had to talk to the phsyc nurse because he doesnt like his coping skills to be questioned.

Last night we had a huge fight because he works a lot and is very good at what he does, but that means that for a part of the year I come second. Unfortunately I kinda needed him at this time of the year and he didn't have time to help me. He has blamed me for putting him under too much stress and tells me that he has stomach ulcers because of me.
(He drinks a fair amount, smokes heavily and takes a heap of iboprofen)

Today I had a curette done because they didnt get all of the stuff out of my uterus and things seem to have changed. He has been a little more attentive and has been thoughtful and caring towards me. He even bought me a chocolate cake on the way home. I just want him to know that all of these things that have caused all of these problems between us are not what I am... they are monsters that are living inside of my head and heart and they are making me into a terrible human being. Everything that he has said, done and insinuated have all been responsive to things that I have said and done, but they still hurt and I need to find a way to help him understand what I am going through.

Now that I know what is wrong with me I can move on and get the help that I so desperately need, but I also need to find a way to sit down with him and explain what is in me. Does anyone have any advice on what I can do to make this relationship work, because he is the man that I love and I know that it has never been his intention to hurt me, and that we are both partially responsible for what has been said and done. I want to be with him for a long time, but I am afraid that everything that I have done will make him leave me without actually knowing who I really am. Please help.

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Replies:
[> Subject: Re: I need help with my monsters.


Author:
Kris
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Date Posted: 14:47:02 08/06/05 Sat

Dear Elle,

I am so sorry for all that you have been going through. What emotional turmoil. I think that your attempted suicide was a cry for help. It was not selfish, but desperate. I strongly urge you to seek some post-abortion counseling and find some healing. You can look up help here:

http://www.pregnancycenters.org/advantage.asp

Many of these centers do offer Free Post Abortion counseling.

You can also check out this site:


http://www.safehavenministries.com/

There is a lot of good advice as well as message boards that have many women there that post after abortion.

You need to realize that you are mourning your loss, and this takes time. Do not rush yourself - maybe start journaling your thoughts and please find someone to talk to.

Put the boyfriend on the back burner for now and concentrate on YOU - You need to get the healing going before you can maintain a healthy relationship with your boyfriend.

Hugs,
Kris



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