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Subject: so lonely


Author:
mercedes
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Date Posted: 23:13:14 08/19/05 Fri

i have just turned 15 and i was 14 at the time i got pregnant. To young to be having sex but i thought i loved someone. I'll never forget the day i found out. It was like everything went from amazing to the point i just wanted to die. I should have known what was going to happen. I know everyone out there has been in love with that one person who told you they loved you but wanted to hide you and act as if you wasnt together. Well that was my situation. the begeinning of my ninth grade year was going great i was deeply in love and just so blind and stupid. i thought that every word adam told me was just so true. i should have known i was the girl he had to have sex with on the side, but when your in love you just dont see the worst of things. When i told him i was pregnant he flipped said it wasnt his that i was sleeping with everyone and that there was no possible way it could have been his, knowing good and well that i was only with him for the past5 months. i really didnt know what to do so i decided to hide it from everyone for as long as i could and do things by myself. a part of me wanted to keep it at times and then another part couldnt take on that resposibility. the times i wanted to were the times he told me he would help that an abortion was wrong and then other times he would say the worst things anyone could think of like i'll get someone the fight you to have a miscarriage or i'll kill it or i hope you and it die at the same time.
so i decided to tell him that it was all a mistake that i started my period but that i could still be pregnant i could be spotting but more than likely i wasnt 2 weeks past and i started getting sick and i called him and told him i was getting sick that i had spotted and i was going to the clinic for a check up. i was for sure i was pregnant but i went any way. when ii found out for sure i told him and even told him i'd show him the results. it was awful i'd never seen such maddness in someone. people started noticing things at school about me that i was getting pale and sick alot. not to mention being tired and out of breath all the time and all the school i was missing. people began talking and he left me in one of the biggest schools in kanawha county by myself to deal with all the hype on my own he went and made a fresh start at a school where no one knew him and about the entire situation. have you ever walked in a room full of people and knew every single person was either staring at you or talking about you? i have a billion times. everyday someone would have a remark to say about what was going around. but i'd deny it with every bit of strenght i could. and just doing that hurt so bad cause she was my child my daughter. at 18 1/2 weeks i finally saved enough money to have an abortion done. so my friend picked me up and we went to the clinic. i had did so much on my own kept it from my parents had a doctor sign for me and everything and went into the room to have it dont and found out i was to far to have it dont in west virginia. i was devistated. and thats when they told me that it was a girl what i had always said i wanted. when i told adam he was furious with me he told me i was a lier that i just wanted him by my side and that i wanted to have a child. at that time i started trying to figure things out on how i could tell my parents. i had no clue what to do so i told a friends mom and we set up a plan but at 23.3 wks my parents found my papers about americus in my room and read them and found out. so 2 days later i had a 2day process abortion. and everyday i think about what if i had her. and i want her. its so painful to think about it. i cry everynight. i've did it since i had it done on march 1. thats almost 5 mnths ago. i cant even bare being around babies. it hurts me so much to know that i was going to have one but i chose to have it termminated. the only thing i remember about the abortion is waking up for a second and saying why did i do this.
if i could take back time i would have had her a put her up for a open adoption so i could be apart of her life. and to beat it all after he said all them terriable things about how he would make sure i didnt have it. he called me 6 days later crying saying he wishes i would have had it. and if he would have just told me that from the begeinning. i'd have her right here by my side and i wouldnt be going through all of this pain. thinkin about what she looked like and how she would have been as she got older. she's on my mind day a night. and i act like it didnt bother me but deep down inside it does all the time. and i hope Americus Rijon is happy in heaven and i hope she know's that mommy is so sorry for what she has done and if i could turn back time i would have her.

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[> Subject: Re: so lonely


Author:
Kris
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Date Posted: 10:56:15 08/20/05 Sat

Dear Mercedes,

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I want to encourage you to call or go to a local CPC - look up one in your area at this site:

http://www.pregnancycenters.org/advantage.asp

The majority of them offer Free Post abortion counseling. You need to seek that out. You are too young to spend the rest of your life in this kind of pain.

Also, visit this site:

http://www.safehavenministries.com/

There are many many young ladies walking in your shoes - and talking together can really be healing.

Please try to forgive yourself, and know that if you ask Him, God will forgive you also. Americus also knows you are sorry.

You are a brave young lady - you have had to deal with something very traumatic at such an early age. I hope your Mom has been understanding and supportive.

Hugs, Kris



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