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Subject: Re: Mistakes


Author:
Dean
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Date Posted: 09:55:00 08/23/05 Tue
In reply to: Sad 's message, "Mistakes" on 12:50:36 08/15/05 Mon

I just found this forum after searching for anythig to help my wife and me after the abortion my wife had. We have several children already and accidentally had another pregnancy last year. After talking about it, we decided the best option would be to terminate the pregnancy. It is now 10 months later and the effects are worse than ever.
I read Sads post and found it most similar to our situation (i.e. older, older children)
I am trying to understand this from a male point of view. My wife seems to have a lot of feelings of hatred towards me now. Similar to Sad, my wife feels like a hypocrit in the eyes of the church (we are catholic). I am trying to understand the feelings of hatred towards me. It seems as though she hates me because I didn't have ot physically go through the abortion (which is true). We are in counseling (couples and individual), but I am still not sure what else I can do to help things on a daily basis.
Are the overwhelming feelings of sadness a constant thing? What kinds of things do you think would help from your fiance when you have these feelings of sadness? A hug, a kiss, leave you alone, give a poem about how much they love you?
If you (or anyone else) can help me to understand what kind of of support you look for from your fiance, mate etc., I would be most grateful.

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Replies:
[> [> Subject: Re: Mistakes


Author:
Sad
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Date Posted: 02:05:13 08/31/05 Wed

Dean - I know this is a tough one. I'm battling the feelings I get towards my husband because of the abortion. I may not have much advice right now except that to be patient and understanding. If she needs to be alone, let her. If she wants to talk about it, let her. What has helped me is not having my husband or anyone 'force' me to talk about it, not that I want to forget it but whenever I'm ready, I will. Has she tried on-line support? Have her try this site or others. It has helped me. I know there aren't many men out there who are open to discuss abortion but have you tried other sites for help such as safehaven ministries? just a thought and good luck.


[> [> Subject: Re: Mistakes


Author:
Sad
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Date Posted: 11:27:18 09/01/05 Thu

Dean,
I've just read your message, and would very much like to help you to understand your wife's feelings. My fiance' and I are now married. The most important thing for me is his willingness to listen. What your wife feels now is not a hatred for you, this is my belief. She feels angry about the decision that you made together, and she feels sad, and guilty.
Are the overwhelming feelings of sadness a constant thing? For me there is always an underlying tone of sadness that was not there before my abortion. Today is especially sad for me as it was one year ago today when I had my abortion.
Draw close to your wife when you sense she needs it. Give her space when she needs that as well. Her feelings,and needs will fluctuate. Mostly, your willingness to listen will be beneficial in her healing.
I would like to say more, but do not have the time right now, as I need to go to work. God bless you, Dean.
[> [> [> Subject: Re: Mistakes


Author:
Dean
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Date Posted: 22:11:05 10/11/05 Tue

I have been menaing to post back, but just haven't gotten to it until now. We have had several discussions with and without a counselor over the past few months. It has been very difficult, but we do talk about sometimes. My wife still has trouble carrying a complete conversation through to a conclusion though.
The good news is that I surprised her and we are headed to Las Vegas tomorrow to renew our wedding vows. I want to make a start in a new direction and couldn't think of a better way to do it. It will also be the first time away from the kids (3 of them) in 8.5 years. A whole week to act like adults.
I think you are right about the guilty feelings. It is difficult for me to relate to the guilt sometimes, but I really don't feel much guilt in decisions I make. A lot of the guilt seems to be expectations from unknown outside sources (i.e. what would my mother think, what would my friends think, what would my coworkers think). My thoughts are 'who cares', they don't live our life so what would they know and who are they to judge our decision.
I hope things are going well for you. Take care.

Dean


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