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Subject: my girlfriend had an abortion

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Date Posted: 21:01:43 12/17/05 Sat

hello- my name is joe. i've never done something like this & i'm not sure where to begin. i read thru this site & see that most messages are written by women. i hope my message will be considered. i'm not sure how/what to say. my girlfriend had an abortion...i was opposed to an abortion. i dont sleep much anymore,naps mostly. i begged her not to do it. i love her so much...how could she do something like that? thats what brings me here to this site, i guess. i was searching the internet for some answers, i guess. what makes a woman choose to do this? i fell in love with her before i knew her name. i treated her with nothing but respect & love. when she told me she was pregnant...i was happy,i told her i loved her & i asked her to marry me and i wanted to be with her for the rest of my life and have a family with her. she had a child from a previous relationship that clearly didnt work out & i accepted her little girl. i told her that her baby was half her & that was good enough for me......i held out my hand and gave her my heart...what did i do wrong? i bought her a mothers day gift and told her i loved her and a day or so after mothers day she had an abortion. how does someone do that? how does a MOTHER do that? how could i ever love her again? i'm 34 years old, and in 34 years i've never been in love til i met her. i was so sure about her. i've never been with someone like her...i just felt like she was the rest of me & i was the rest of her. now i cant sleep, i dont eat normal, i have this terrible sense of loss and a terrible sense of failure. i could not protect my own child. i feel like i failed as a man. nothing makes me happy anymore. i feel guilty if i do feel happy. i offerred her a very large some of money not to do it...i told her i would take the baby...we both have excellent salaries, its not like it was a financial issue. why was she so adamant about having an abortion? why wouldn't she let me have my baby? how can it be that i have no right to my own baby? i want to scream. this is the united states? i tried to do the right thing. i'm so frustrated...what did i do wrong? i sit here and do nothing but think about what else i could have done. it drives me crazy. the emotional pain i feel affects me physically. it makes me sick sometimes. i wish i could just evaporate most days. how does someone say i love you and say that they want to be with you too...believing that her deceased father "sent me to her" and then proceed to go have an abortion? she tells me she wants to be married & have kids with me but does that? & then finds it hard to believe that i have trouble believing that she loves me? for 7 months i've had this "event" playing out in my head...i cant do this anymore. it affects everything i do. all i do is think about it. how do i relieve myself of this burden? how do i get on with my life? how do i become normal again? how do i ever date another girl again? how do i ever let myself fall in love again? i couldnt take going thru this again. how do i get her out of my mind? how do you stop loving someone? how could i love someone that did this and equally hate them? where do i take this anger and frustration? i'm a guy...someone hurt my baby, now i need to hurt them...but i cant. how could i hurt the person that hurt my baby when its the person i love? my babys mother?

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[> Subject: Re: my girlfriend had an abortion

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Date Posted: 16:02:02 12/18/05 Sun

Dear Joe,

You are experiencing some deep grief. You will need to work through the loss of your child and your relationship and gain more understanding about why you have the feelings you have. That will help you to overcome the pain you are going through.

There is another board that is much more active and there is even a section specifically for men:


I recommend you visit there, just because this board tends to be pretty quiet.

I want to walk you through some "Grief Myths" in hopes that it may help a little.

Myth 1: We only grieve deaths
Truth: We grieve all losses (like loosing a relationship)

Myth 2: Grief is an emotional reaction
Truth: Grief is manifested in many ways (I would say for men, it's mainly anger)

Myth 3: Only family members grieve
Truth: All who are attached grieve

Myth 4: Individuals should leave grieving at home
Truth: We cannot control where we grieve (a walk in the park may recall a memory of the person, and awake the grief)

Myth 5: We slowly and predictably recover from grief
Truth: Grief is an uneven process, a roller coaster with no time line

Myth 6: Grieving means letting go of the person who has died
Truth: We never fully detach (some grief counselors will suggest you name your baby - as this helps with bringing dignity to the loss of the child)

Myth 7: Grief finally ends
Truth: People learn to live with loss over time

Myth 8: Grievers are best left alone
Truth: Grievers need opportunites to share their memories and grief, and to recieve support

I am so sorry for your loss. The loss of the relationship and the loss of the child. I am glad you posted and that you are looking for healing from the pain. I will say that when the storms of life have hit me the hardest, I have the Lord to lean on and that has comforted me more than anything. I hope you have a faith that will allow you to do the same.

Please post again if you want to "talk" more.

[> [> Subject: Re: my girlfriend had an abortion

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Date Posted: 19:17:30 01/06/06 Fri

first of all the number one thing you did wrong, is have sex in the first place. You could have showed her your love by not having a sexual relationship in the first place. After all you knew she already had a child and you put you and her at a risk that you could have prevented.
All that being aside, have you ever talked to her and ask her why, how she is feeling? Maybe she felt she couldn't handle another child.. and then thinking about one by herself again. Yes you said you would be there and wanted to marry her, but maybe the other guy said the same. When a women decides to have an abortion, it isn't a easy decision. She is going through emotional things and sometimes feels the the only way out. Which really is the just the beginning of a hardship.
There isnt' a whole lot now you can do, besides get the help you need to heal. Also be there for her, after you have recieved the help. she will need support and help herself when that time comes.. and practice abstinance.. please do learn by your mistakes.


[> Subject: Re: my girlfriend had an abortion

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Date Posted: 02:21:46 12/19/05 Mon


My heart goes out to you! I am sure you have plenty of company, but most men won't speak out. It is good that you are. We live in a country with cruel laws. The laws aren't your fault. Those laws stripped you of your right and duty to protect your children. What did you do wrong? Once the baby was conceived, in my opinion, nothing. The only mistake you made was having sex with the mother in the first place. Certainly it is not your fault that someone hogtied you and forbid you to protect your child.

I understand that you love her very much. This is an emotion, and in your case, I think you made a commitment to cherish her as well. Now I think you realize you have to ask some tough questions. This woman you love deliberately harmed your child, and it wasn't even "necessary". I don't know what is going on in her head. I don't know what makes a woman that determined to destroy her own child. This is a mentality that makes no sense to me. Among other things, I suspect you are thinking this isn't the woman you thought her to be. It has been an eye-opener. So what do you do? Do you break up with her?

For the outrage, I suggest that you sue the abortionist for wrongful death. You might also want to sue her, but that depends on what you decide to do. I am sure there are lawyers out there who would support you; such a case could accomplish much for other men. You probably won't get any money; most abortionists are judgment-proof. But this so-called "doctor" took advantage of your girlfriend. If he had done his job, he would have discouraged her. But he's in it for the money. He has prostituted himself and his profession.

There is a conspiracy to mislead women in this country. Abortion is dangerous, but they won't tell people. They don't try to obtain informed consent. They just try to close the sale. They have told us so. I don't know to what extent your girlfriend was misled.

If you decide to stay with her, there will probably come a time when she will have to deal with what she has done. That will be very difficult. There is help available.

Beyond that, I don't know what to tell you. Obviously you have to make a decision about what to do with your relationship.

I hope you will come back and let us work through this with you.

One more thing that may be very helpful. If at all possible, you should turn to God. In my experience the only people who heal completely are the people who do. Read the Psalms. I think there are Psalms that you will relate to, and they will comfort you.

Take care,


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