VoyForums
[ Show ]
Support VoyForums
[ Shrink ]
VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 123[4] ]
Subject: My regret


Author:
Erica
[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]
Date Posted: 03:24:33 01/27/06 Fri

I had an abortion this past monday 1/23/06. I am 22 years old with a good job. I just got engaged to my BF of 2 years 2weeks ago. I started school again and was supposed to be going to my dream job as a veterinary technician. Even though it was bad timing I was so excited when I found out because I have always wanted a child of my own ....I thought my fiance would share my enthusiasm. Instead his reaction was horrible...he already has 2 children and with 2 different women. He swore to himself he would never have another baby out of wed lock because of his bad experiences. He claims we cannot afford a baby even though he makes alot of money. He said we would never be able to have our wedding or buy our house or anything and that he would love our baby but be miserable with me and hold it against me if i decided to keep it. I would be the one to slow down his life. You see none of his children live with him ...and whether he wants to believe it or not he is a part time father to me none of those kids have ever lived with him so he is just seeing an unmarried situation where eventually we break up and he has more child support and goes back to living in poverty......not only that is that he has had such a rough life that he doesnt show emotions. Now that he has goals for his life he feels that he cannot stray from that path or his life will be over. During the course of the past few weeks b4 the abortion he was going back and forth about it saying it was my decision but when i made my decision to keep the baby he was ok but by the next day he lets his thoughts go crazy about finances and conviced himself that abortion was the best option and then again with the ultimatums. I was raised in a catholic family and am very against abortion but his pressure was enough to break me down. I regret me decision so much for I miss my unborn angel desperatley and I feel so much anger and hatred towards him. I want to work things out with him but it is so hard because I dont feel the way I should about a fiance. He said he is willing to go to counseling with me and to give me space and time but I dont think even that is enough. He is in denial because he keeps trying to convince himself that our 10 week old baby was just a few cills....he refused to see a picture of it and I know he feels bad but all i want is for him to show that he is hurting as well as me. I am the one who had to look at my child b4 it was taken from me and see its heart beat ...he doesnt know what it feels like to have a life inside of you. It is so hard for me because I am all olaone with him in the state of NJ all of both of our families are in different states. I feel like i have no one. I feel so empty and horrible for what I did. Not only that almost every female in his family ( they are all my age ) have kids or they are pregnant.....it is so hard for me to think of it and not be jealous...i feel like he took the most precious thing from me. I also have to see him with his other children and sometimes i feel like the 3rd wheel....like these other women (who were just girlfriends) their kids were good enough for him but his own fiances werent. THey have that experience with him and i feel like I am missing out on something.....and the first time I could have that he threw it away Please help....I want to reconcile with him but I dont know how to get that loving feeling back for him. I just dont know what to do at this point....I am heart broken and devestated

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:
[> Subject: Re: My regret


Author:
Kris
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 10:33:30 01/27/06 Fri

Dear Erica,

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. I want to encourage you to seek some post-abortion counseling. It is critical that you work through your pain. You need to forgive yourself, ask God to forgive you (He does) and forgive your boyfriend. Only then will the healing begin. Many Crisis Pregnancy Centers offer free post abortion counseling - you can loook one up in your area at this web site and inquire of them about it:

www.optionline.org

You can also visit this site:

www.safehavenministries.com

They are an online network of post-abortion women. They have very active message boards and I encourage you to visit there also.

I will keep you in my prayers. Don't put this all aside - as it's very important to reach out for help when you're going through so much emotionally.

Love and Hugs,
Kris


[> Subject: Re: My regret


Author:
Pat
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 12:47:04 01/30/06 Mon

Erica,

Kris is right, but I feel a need to add something to what she said.

Forgiveness is a decision. It is the decision to accept the hurt that someone has done to you, and not hold it against them. It is not an act of the emotions.

That said, I agree you should forgive your boyfriend. However, that does NOT mean that you should necessarily "reconcile" with him. What he did to you is cruel. And you have been robbed of something incredibly precious. I would not consider his attitude to bode well for your relationship. When will he do this to you again? So here is what I recommend. Tell him that if he does not agree to counseling, it's all over. Give him a deadline, say, 2 weeks, to give you his decision. Seek counseling at a local crisis pregnancy agency. Regardless of what he does, you should go.

If he refuses to go to counseling, break it off with him. If he comes to you later and asks for your forgiveness, give it freely, but insist he go to counseling. He needs to deal with the attitude that caused him to coerce you into getting an abortion, and if he's not willing to do that, then I think your relationship would be detrimental to you.

Those are just my thoughts. I don't take kindly to men doing this to a woman. I absolutely agree that you must forgive him, but this is not the same thing as continuing to see him.

Another thing I would do is make it clear to him that regardless, you aren't going to make yourself vulnerable to that situation again, so he needs to respect you and not insist on taking you to bed. This won't necessarily hurt your relationship; it could help.

As to whether or not he is hurting, I don't know. He may be in denial. Men don't express their emotions much. So all you can do there is wait and see if he chooses to express himself.

I am offering these thoughts because clearly you are at war with yourself over him.

We will be praying for you.

Hugs,
Pat
[> [> Subject: Re: My regret


Author:
Erica
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 09:17:36 02/01/06 Wed

Well this week has been very hard on our relationship especially since we live together and one of his children is at our home all the time ......we had a big argument on sunday and he finally began to show some sympathy....he said he is just starting to realize the magnitude of what he made me do as well as what he did to our shild.....he agreed to the counseling as well as to give me space and time to decide what I want to do .....I told him that if this were to happen again and he even brought up the idea of abortion that i would leave him and he agreed he would never do that to me again ......because he now realizes what he did was so wrong.....but who know ....he says that now.....i guess only time will tell and only time can heal my heart.....I miss my child so much and its makes me want to have another one even more.....I feel so sad and empty

[> Subject: Re: My regret


Author:
Lacie
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 10:46:09 02/21/06 Tue

I am so sorry for your loss! Reading your story broke my heart. About 4 years ago I too had an abortion and have been dealing with the pain of guilt associated with it ever since. I know it will never completely go away, but things have gotten much better for me. I believe that bad things happen to you for a reason; either from you to learn from them, or other people to learn from them. My experience taught me about God. Today I know God forgives me and loves me more than I will ever know. You are not a bad person! It seems that you are questioning your relationship with this man. This is something only you can decide, but do you want to feel this way for the rest of your life? The way you describe him seems like he is bullying you into this...
I wish I knew you well and could better help you with this! All I know is, if you want out than just leave back to your family. Surround yourself with support. You are the only one who can do this.

[> Subject: Re: My regret


Author:
MEGAN
[ Edit | View ]

Date Posted: 21:32:54 03/20/06 Mon

HI HOW ARE YOU. I HAD AN ABORTION 3/18/06 AND THE SITUATION WAS THE SAME AS YOURS ALMOST. MY BOYFRIEND HAS A CHILD FROM A PRIOR GIRLFRIEND BUT WHEN FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT PRESSURED ME INTO HAVING AN ABORTION, I KNOW ITS AWFUL BUT NOW I CANT EVEN SEE HIM WITH HIS CHILD, IT KILLES ME, THAT THAT CHILD WAS OK TO BE HERE BUT MINE HE FELT WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I THINK THE BIGGEST PART OF MY HURT IS ALOT OF ME FEELING THAT I WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BEAR HIS CHILD, THE 1ST DAY IT HAPPEN HE WAS SO GOOD TO ME HE CAME WITH ME AND STAYED WITH ME THAT WHOLE DAY AND THE NEXT DAY, BUT THEN I GOT SO UPSET AND ANGRY OUT OF NOWHERE AT HOM THAT I TOLD HIM I HATED HIM AND SINCE THEN HE HAS BEEN A JERK, HE DOESNT WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT THIS ANYMORE AND ALTHOUGH HE CRYED AND SHOWED EMOTION AT FIRST THATS AS FAR AS IT WENT, HE NO LONGER CARES, LIKE ITS OVER AND HES SET FREE, I FEEL LIKE ALL HE CARED ABOUT WAS IT BEIN DONE AND ALTHOUGH IT HURT HIM I DONT THINK HELL EVER HURT AS MUCH AS ME. I REGRET THE DECISION I MADE TRULEY I DO, AND I DONT THINK THAT I WILL BE ABLE TO BE WITH HIM AFTER THIS, THE BAD FEELINGS I HAVE TOWARD HIM ARE SO BITTER. ANYWAYS JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW TAHT YOU ARE NOT ALONE, IM HURT OVER THE ABORTION BUT IM ALSO HURT OVER MY BOYFRIEND AND HOW EVERYTHING HAPPEN


[ Contact Forum Admin ]


Forum timezone: GMT-6
VF Version: 3.00b, ConfDB:
Before posting please read our privacy policy.
VoyForums(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems.
Copyright © 1998-2019 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved.