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Subject: Relief from the pain

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Date Posted: 15:34:03 05/02/06 Tue

Oh my Gosh, i've been searching for some type of message board that i could get some relief from! I JUST had an abortion on Friday, when i left the clinic i was SO content. I have plenty of reasons for not keeping my baby girl, and at the time couldnt find a strong enough to protect her life. I was told that i would be miscarrying her, and 2 weeks earlier i had lost something in the toilet, i thought it was her! I was so heart broken and boy did i cry. Over the next few days i became disconneced, calling my dr. trying to get in for an appointment and being put off. I came to find out that she was still in my uterus, STILL HOLDING ON!! I was frustrated b/c i had lost something in the toilet, i guess i must have been carrying twins. After dropping the 1 baby in the toilet i became extrememly Ill, it was worse than morning sickness. They gave me the strongest medications that they could give a pregnant woman and told me that they couldnt do anything to make me any more comfortable (did i mention i have a fibroid tumor in my fundus???) I got two different answers from 2 different dr.s and got angry. I had missed two weeks of work and school! I was TIRED of being sick and having to force feed myself, cramping and i didnt see a way to take care of her, i simply have nothing to give her. I decided that on Friday i wouldnt go back to the dr. i was getting an abortion. I can tell you that on Saturday I thought i was insane, i started crying and didn't know why. I've been crying since Saturday morning and i can't move on. My heart is soo broken! I miss having Madison in my tummy, i miss her making me sick, i long for the cramping b/c it let me know she was there. I fell in love with her the moment i knew that i was pregnant, I just knew that i couldnt keep her. I have a void in my heart, i need counseling so bad and i don't know if i can deal with this much longer. It's so hard to face the world. I want my baby so bad, i want to feel her grow inside me, i hate seeing pregnant women. No one understands how i feel. My friends who have had abortions have all moved on. My pain is too much to bear. I want another baby already and i KNOW that this baby wont take Madisons place. I worry about her so much, i want her back, i want to make it better. I secretly hope that the abortion didnt work and that my baby is still hanging on. I love her more than anything in this world. I am starting to get clingy with her father b/c he is all that i have of my baby. God i miss her so much and i pray that God and she forgives me. I pray that she didn't suffer and that she wasn't affraid when they ripped her from my womb.
Madison Jai Kennedy
Conception-March 19, 2006
Death - April 28, 2006
RIP & Please forgive me Baby Girl!

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[> Subject: Re: Relief from the pain

Mary Binder
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Date Posted: 19:49:30 05/10/06 Wed

There is help,hope,healing and forgiveness. Don't let yourself suffer in silence like I did for 15 years. You are not alone!! I want you to go to these web sites, call the toll free number for operation outcry and talk with a women counselor that has been through this and can help you.If you think you are in any way suicidal call 911.
www.operationoutcry.org phone#1-866-468-8279
If you want email me at mjschoettle@aol.com

Lots of Love,


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