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Date Posted: 18:59:34 05/07/04 Fri
Author: Bry
Subject: Feel free to steal it

I did. Happy Mothers Day.

Just use this handy-dandy create-your-own Mother’s Day letter, and presto. You’re the best son or daughter ever.

Dear (Mom/Mommy/Ma/ Mother/Woman Who Destroyed My Self-Worth by Age 12),

I just wanted to take this time to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day.

Despite my words and actions at times, you should know I really (love/wish I had been put up for adoption by) you.

Where to begin?

How about my first memories?

I can still remember how you used to (cuddle/smack) me when I was scared, or when you would take me in your arms and insist I was (the most important thing in the world/purchased from a band of gypsies).

When I got a little older, it was just great when you used to come tomy after-school activities (to root me on/reeking of bourbon).

When I got to high school, you were quick to advise me on how to (make friends/seduce the male teachers.)

You also gave me (unconditional love/some weird gum disorder from using my toothbrush) even when I may have not deserved it.

Remember that time I came home drunk after a party?

Boy oh boy, you really (let me have it/let me have it for forgetting to bring home your cigarettes).

I still remember that night like it was yesterday.

But it’s not just the way we get along -- it’s also the (love/horror) you’ve bestowed upon(father/dad/daddy/pa/some guy at a bar who bought you a few too many Long Island iced teas).

You’re a true mom, a mixture between (Carol Brady and June Cleaver/Courtney Love and Sybil).

I respect you for (always putting the needs of your family first/being able to strip for money well into your early 50s).

But it’s more than respect. It’s love.

Mom, truly -- my love for you could fill (the Grand Canyon/a funnel).

And not only have you been a (great/horrible) mom to me, you’ve also done quite a job with (my brother/sister/squirrelly-looking kid sleeping on the couch).

Seriously -- where would they be without you?

I’ll tell you where -- (Princeton/Stanford/sleeping on someone else’s couch, probably).

You’re truly one of a kind, Mom, and nobody can compare.

If I ever had to pick another mom, I’d (just curl up and die/thank the heavens) and then (cry my days away/order a pizza).

So again, Mom, I wish you a (Happy Mother’s Day/quick demise).

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