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| Subject: Re: Death Crawl | |
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Author: Lilly |
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Date Posted: Mon, Jan 02 2012, 3:51:50 In reply to: tlcme 's message, "Death Crawl" on Sat, Dec 31 2011, 11:15:25 Wow. Interesting topic. I have never seen the movie, but the subject sure grabbed my attention because I feel like I am in a constant death crawl...lol. When dealing with the state boar's (no, not a typo, meant to say that), it was years of a death crawl. I felt like I could do absolutely nothing right. I felt like I was forced to live through the insanity because I had a family to support, kids that I had to live for and maybe, just maybe a chance at a future...although that thinking dwindled as time went on. There were times of absolute desperation and times that I did not think I could live through another day of the "game"...There were days that I really thought I was loosing my mind. I look back now and realize that the state boar's really play a horrible mind fuck with all of us...maybe they mean to, maybe they are clueless, maybe they have too many heinous nurses to give a hoot, who knows, but we are nothing more than a number and the fact that we messed up and are desperate to get back to some form of normalcy doesn't mean shit to them. So, we either figure it out ourselves, or we die. And, when you've never been in trouble, or "worked the system", you are kinda screwed......and so, the death crawl, or my interpretation of it, begins. For me, it was a lot of "stupid" mistakes. At the beginning of my crawl, I thought I was doing all the right things...boy, was I wrong. Turns out, my caseworker was far crazier than I ever could be and I didn't have a clue how to play her game. And, because I didn't know how to play the game I payed a pretty heavy price and will carry that burden for the rest of my life. Now, don't get me wrong, as many of you know, I DO work as a nurse and I know it probably aggravates some that I complain about anything. Yep, I make money. However, I constantly look over my shoulder, I am in constant fear of mistakes, I wait everyday for some bitchy nurse out of spite to report me for some bullshit mistake, I am afraid to complain about legitimate safety issues for fear of blackballing, I am limited in what I can practice, I worry about who knows, who doesn't, do I share, do I not, what if word gets out..., I worry about which big health care organization is going to buy us out and shitcan me (more and more companies are specifically stating no hires with "restrictions on nursing license, I see nurses everyday make mistakes and give substandard care and when I present those concerns I am actually told that because of my "history", I am just "overly concerned". I work with some of the most spiteful, hateful, backstabbing bitches on earth. And I work with managers that have given up patient safety for computers and numbers and statistics. I have come to realize that I have basically spent the last 11 years on pins and needles. Is it worth it. Hmmmmm. I just don't know. As I look at my kids, I have to say yes, because financially, I have provided somewhat for them. Not fantastically by any means, but we are at least off welfare. So, it's "my" death crawl. Sometimes if feels like it's mentally killing me...but, it's providing a means and a way to get my kids into adulthood and on the way hopefully to an ounce of normalcy that I lost once I hit 40. And, once they are on their own....if this shit has not done me in, I am out of nursing for good.... And now, let me contradict myself and totally confuse all of you... BUT.............to all of you in the BIG FIGHT....keep in mind...I had NO resources when I started the fight...NONE. No friends that had been there, done that. No legal advise. No nothing, but a heart of gold and a desire to "do the right thing." I started in the confidential program and would have come out with a clean record in 3 years. Had I succeeded, my life would have been completely different. But, I didn't. I had a psychotic caseworker who made my attempts to succeed absolutely impossible and called me "noncompliant", 3+ years in and I failed the program. (no relapses, I supposedly didn't turn paperwork in time) Because she called me "noncompliant", my original charges from 4 years prior were turned backed over to law enforcement, they apparently saw me as a threat to society, had the cunty prosecutor (no, not a typo) turn it into a case and badda bing, I became a hardened criminal. That's the story in a nutshell for those of you that don't know it....So, basically, a month shy of "graduating" from the confidential program, I came out of it with a criminal record and a permanent disciplinary ding on my license for the whole world to see......]And, hence the reason I sit here 11 years later wondering what the fuck I have been fighting for all these years later...is it the 60 pounds I've gained, the bags under my eyes, the worry wrinkles...nope, just those kids of mine..... So, the moral to my whole sordid tale is.....if you are in a program and you are succeeding....hold on for a bumpy ride but don't do ANYTHING to jeopardize your program. If you can walk away with a clean license, for God's sake, lick a homeless person's toenails if that's what they tell you do to...just get your license back free and clear. If you are in the process of the criminal or disciplinary aspect prepare for an even bumpier, rather, torturous ride...and do alot of soul searching. You have no choice but to go through with it...you do have a choice of what you want to do when it's all over. [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] |
| Subject | Author | Date |
| Speaking of movies | Lilly | Mon, Jan 02 2012, 4:17:11 |
| Re: Death Crawl | Jinxblu | Mon, Jan 02 2012, 6:33:41 |
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| Re: Death Crawl |  SyckRN to lilly | Tue, Jan 03 2012, 11:45:27 |
| Re: Death Crawl | tlcme | Sat, Jan 07 2012, 7:14:52 |
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