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Subject:  Philip Seymour Hoffman could have been me... |
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Author: Catmom |
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Date Posted: Tue, Feb 04 2014, 20:52:54 Philip Seymour Hoffman could have been me... I have been thinking a lot about active addiction and the soul-deep personal needs that it seems to fill. This site has been so dead that I doubt many will even read my words here, but I feel a need to express myself. I have been completely clean and sober since December 8, 2004 when I had a seizure at my phone sales job. I had taken too much tramadol, as well as Vicodin, and various other mood altering drugs. My brother, 5 years older than I had died in January of 2004 from an Oxycontin O.D. It took my own brush with death to get me to get honest about my drug use and to stop the foolishness. I was high on Soma at my brother's funeral. I was in treatment for compulsive gambling at the time but hadn't revealed the extent of my drug use to my counselor. It was such a relief to finally become transparent about what I had been doing. It took years of diligent work on myself to fully establish a life without gambling or drugs. By the way, had I not had good addiction treatment available, I might well have died that year because 12 Step groups had not helped me abstain at all. And- I had been going to AA for help for upwards of 20 years already in 2004. Fortunately, the treatment I received was cognitive-behavioral and not just a lazy regurgitation of 12 step aphorisms from a bunch of Billbots. From the sounds of it, Phillip Seymour Hoffman had been clean and sober for well over 20 years when he relapsed again. The thing is, I have been contemplating going back to using the "occasional" narcotic pain killer, although I doubt it would stay confined to only infrequent use. Once I got a taste of that euphoria, why would I stop? I have every excuse in the world to use. I have been unable to get a permanent nursing job since being fired from my position as an MDS coordinator in April of 2009. I lost the house that I was renting and had to go back to phone sales to survive. I live alone and am again unemployed. I have never married (i.e. am an "Old Maid") and have no children. To top it off, I found out last week that I need to move because my landlord wants to completely renovate where I am living. How I am going to find a new place to live with 2 cats, a dog and no job, I do not know. My greatest desire is to work with other addicts as an RN, but I keep getting turned down flat by any facility I apply to. I clawed my way through over 5 years of license probation and have an "unencumbered" license now, but the history of my medication diversion in 2000 is on the BON website for anyone to see. From what I have read, the late Mr. Hoffman was a success in his career and had a long term life partner and 3 children. You see, even though I haven't used in over 9 years, I vividly remember what it felt like to take a few Percocet and wait for that bliss to wash over me. By nature I am a worrier and I know that if I were high, I would be convinced in my heart that everything is going to be okay: that I will find a nice place for me and my pets to live and I will find a rewarding nursing job. Furthermore, all my loneliness would be wiped away as if by magic. God, it sounds delicious. So, why am I not seeking out prescription painkillers or the very potent and cheap heroin that I understand is ubiquitous, even in my conservative Midwestern city? The reason is that I know that if I start feeding the demon of my addiction, it will grow ever larger and hungrier until I too, succumb as Mr. Hoffman and my brother did. So, I will continue to build my ability to cope without drugs or gambling and hope that everything will be okay and that I will continue to fear feeding the demon inside me. In pace of narcotic euphoria, self respect will have to do for now. Catmom [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] |
| Subject | Author | Date |
| Re: Philip Seymour Hoffman could have been me... | hockeymom | Wed, Feb 05 2014, 15:21:39 |
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