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Date Posted: 03:25:43 06/15/12 Fri
Author: Carrie R
Subject: I'm having a hard time,

I lost my brother not quite two months ago to suicide. He was 37 had a wife and two young daughters. Growing up we were almost inseparable, being only 16 months apart in age. After high school, life seemed to get in the way, as it always does, we each got married and started having kids, and didn't see each other as often as we should have and talked even less.

I'm not positive but have a suspicion that his wife was cheating and might be part of the reason as to why he did it. Well his wife has already moved on and is practically living with the new boyfriend. I know it's really none of my business and she has to do what's right for her. I'm just having a rough time with it all. I don't live in the same town so I dont have to see it everyday like my mom does, but I'm reading the crap she puts on Facebook about it all. I have to be nice and pleasant when I see her or talk to her because of my nieces, if I'm not she wont let any of us see them. Being nice to her and not saying what I really want to is making me feel like I'm betraying my brother.

It may be easy for her to replace a husband, but how in the world do I replace a brother? If you could send some calming vibes, for those moments when I happen across her posts on Facebook. My younger brother is having a tough time with all of this also, we feel like it's a slap in the face to him. Her friends all comment how she deserves to be happy and move on with her life, I just feel that they could all be a little more respectful of his family.
Sorry I rambled.

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Replies:

[> I'm so sorry for your loss; brothers are special and grieving for him must leave a huge hole in your heart. Maybe consider grief counseling to help deal with your feelings and help you to let go the unfairness of it all. Since you live in a different town, maybe you could find one of the churches that has free grief counseling, or speak to someone privately. It must be very difficult to absorb and I know what you mean about it being a slap in the face. Maybe she's afraid of being alone with two young daughters to raise and is rushing things. Don't agonize over whether she was unfaithful or not -- you can't know that for sure and it's in the past. I hope you find peace and comfort. And try to stay off of Facebook for a while, or "unfriend" her or block her posts if they're a source of anger and frustration for you. You're in my prayers. -- JudyL, 04:12:27 06/15/12 Fri


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[> [> JudyL said everything I was going to say.... hide her posts and find someone to talk to. I know I harp on this but call your local Hospice center, they offer grief counseling, sometimes it's free or needs-based fee, they also have support groups where you can talk to others in similar situations. You could also contact Compassionate Friends, they are primarily for bereaved parents but in larger cities they have Sibling groups and that would be perfect for you. Hugs to you and your younger brother..... -- MaryC in KY, 05:26:10 06/15/12 Fri


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[> I can't imagine anyone in his life, especially those closest, not to be driven by emotion right now. Some more than others, but all still processing grief. Judy and Mary are so right, find a group to help talk this out. We are very supportive here, but an ear and a voice bulds a levy quicker. Hugs, Babe, go for the bulldozers. (Alright you Bat People, I aint thrown in the towel, I'm just recommending strongly) -- Dave, 05:58:45 06/15/12 Fri


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[> I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through. It's so sad all around. I wonder what the daughters must be thinking and feeling. Knowing that their Dad died just a couple months ago and Mom has already moved on to a new man in her life. It seems the Mom has given little thought to her daughters grief in all this. Sending prayers to you and your family members. -- CarolSR, 06:59:07 06/15/12 Fri


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[> The advice and help the others have given you is spot on. I will keep you in my prayers as you go through this very difficult time. Remember his girls, they really need you now, this may be very confusing and hard for them in a way they cannot express. You could tell them all the wonderful stories you have of your brother, so they know what a wonderful man he was. -- LisaW, 08:22:22 06/15/12 Fri

Last edited by author: Fri June 15, 2012 08:25:01   Edited 1 time.

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[> [> Yes, the wise Lally-advice is excellent. Do whatever you have to do for Facebook blockages/privacy. Of course, not knowing you, your brother, or SIL, I can only speculate >>>>> -- Lemora, 09:08:15 06/15/12 Fri

and she may very well have been having an affair with her current flame while her husband was alive. However, regardless of the state of their marriage and her feelings about your brother, she's in shock right now and not thinking clearly. "Big Mike" is gone, and she's found an "Eddie Fisher." Unconsciously, she may be trying to erase the fact of her marriage, her husband's death, and go on with life, as if that all never happened. To avoid facing grief and loss. It may take time for her to do this or maybe she never will. I don't know her character or the contents and tone of the Facebook posts, so I may be completely wide of the mark here. When dealing with family members who I find repellent, but where it is necessary to have some contact (as in your case) I try to keep it "light and polite." Another guideline for behavior in these situations is "Show up, suit up, and shut up." (This is hard for me, as I have a big mouth, tend to shoot from the hip, and frequently go for the sarcastic conversation stopper.) Another maxim is the hardest one of all to take to heart, but it has helped me: Q-TIP, i.e. Quit Taking It Personally. I have saved myself a lot of grief by silently saying, "Q-TIP!" to myself before I open my mouth. Good luck to you and you're in my prayers.

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[> [> [> Lemora, thank you so much for this tip!! I will be using it quite a lot from now on! -- Carrie R, 07:21:15 06/16/12 Sat


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[> (((((((((((( Carrie and family ))))))))))))) -- Judie, 10:25:01 06/15/12 Fri


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[> ((((( Carrie R ))))) You know I am very much with you, as we've talked here before. This is a tricky situation. I'm sure you'd like to keep in touch with your nieces and I'm sure your brother will smile down at the three of you. That makes it difficult to avoid your SIL. Maybe you can find a way to stay close to your nieces and at the same time stay away from the SIL as much as possible. I'll be praying for you... -- Oatcake, 12:13:40 06/15/12 Fri


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[> I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear brother, Carrie! :-( Even if your SIL was having an affair before your brother's death, you can't prove it and even if you could, what good would it serve to confront her about it? The LAST thing you want to do is alienate her enough for her to try and keep your nieces from seeing you. Lemora is right - try not to take this personally because it's not really about YOU. The best thing you can do is put your nieces first and ensure that you build a special relationship with them because you KNOW that's what your brother would have wanted. I also agree that some grief counselling would help. Hugs! -- Leigh, 17:41:33 06/15/12 Fri


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[> Carrie, there is nothing I can add that hasn't already been said. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers! Hugs! -- Whiskey Eyes, 20:01:26 06/15/12 Fri


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[> (((Carrie and family))) I can't add any advice that's not already been posted here, but know that you, your brother and nieces are in my prayers. -- TerriC, 06:47:05 06/16/12 Sat


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[> Thank you everyone!! I'm doing better today, I think I was just really having a hard time the other day. I know those days are going to happen, probably for the rest of my life. It's nice to know that people do care, I appreciate you all so much. -- Carrie R, 07:20:14 06/16/12 Sat


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[> How horrible, Carrie... The others have said it all, but I'm sending you hugs anyway... (((((Carrie))))) -- Patricia, 13:59:23 06/16/12 Sat


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[> (((((Carrie)))) I'm so sorry for your loss. I can only agree with what the others have already said. -- Chirre, 11:08:12 06/17/12 Sun


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[> Carrie--there is a group called the Front Porch Coalition, who ministers to surviving family members of suicide. http://www.frontporchcoalition.org/ I know it says South Dakota, but they can maybe refer you an agency closer to home if they can't work with you themselves. I am so sorry for your loss. -- Jae-the-Girl, 09:23:21 06/20/12 Wed


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[> (((Carrie))) I also think visits/calls/mailings/e-mails (however you can get it) spent with your nieces and underscoring/building your relationship will them will forge a lifetime of special times to come for you and them together. Hugs to you. (And I'd avoid SIL's FB too.) -- AngieLass, 18:41:37 06/21/12 Thu


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[> (((((((Carrie))))))))))))) So sorry about your loss!! Don't know about the SIL, but hoping you can stay close to your nieces. Big hugs to you. -- MaryJ, 10:53:04 06/22/12 Fri


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