- :-) -- Aussiewench, 17:17:07 05/24/12 Thu
T H E Jewish GRANDMOTHER
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson
who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 .
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow , push button
301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get
in, and with your elbow , push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.
With your elbow , hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons
with my elbow? .........
"What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?"
_______________________________________________
Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns
down through the family.................
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,
Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome
plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me
your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business,
you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and
maybe a couple-a bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife
inna bed with anudder man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up' "?
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 04:35:11 05/22/12 Tue
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
>
> It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
>
> Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
>
> Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
> contractions are only two minutes apart!"
>
> "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
>
> "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
>
>
> An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
>
> His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
>
> He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
>
> "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
>
> "Here boy" he replies.
>
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
>
> Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
> feet.
>
> "What on earth you doing?" he asks.
>
> "Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
>
> "It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
>
> "I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
>
> ----------------------- ------------ ------------------------
>
> An answer I can understand. An American tourist asks an Irishman:
>
> "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
> To which the Irishman replies: "They have to go backwards. If they fell
> forwards, they'd still be in the boat."
>
>
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
> She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on
> the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for
> the flowers!'
>
> 'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
>
>
>
>
>
>
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 18:14:04 05/21/12 Mon
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.
You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex.
You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says,
"Now...., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- Ha -- Aussiewench, 18:02:40 05/21/12 Mon
Quote of the day:
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'
Women are Angels.
And when someone breaks our wings,
we simply continue to fly...usually on a broomstick.
We are flexible like that.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 17:46:45 05/21/12 Mon
Male or Female? You might not have known this...but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
>
>
> FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.
>
>
>
> PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off....it takes a while to warm them up again.
> They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed....but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
>
>
>
> TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
>
>
>
> HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object... Because to get them to go anywhere......you have to light a fire under their arse.
>
>
>
> SPONGES: These are female...because they are soft.....squeezable and retain water.
>
>
>
> WEB PAGES:
> Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
>
>
>
> TRAINS: Definitely male... Because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
>
>
>
> EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because...over time...all the weight hifts to the bottom.
>
>
>
> HAMMERS: Male... Because in the last 5000 years.....they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.
>
>
>
> THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male...but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it....and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying
>
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) an oldie but funny.. sorry to all blondes -- Auusiewench, 15:24:56 05/15/12 Tue
The Blonde Pilot...
This is the story of a poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead, and I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
(Pause)
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . ..."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 01:22:49 05/10/12 Thu
HOLY HUMOR
**A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth..' (This one is my favorite)
=======
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
========
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
========
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a headache..... When you open it, he collapses..... When he sees you reading it, he faints..... When he sees that you are living what you read, he flees...... And when you are about to forward this message.... He will try and discourage you.. I just defeated him!!! Any other takers?
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 01:04:06 05/10/12 Thu
A GERMAN TOURIST JUMPED IN THE FREEZING WATER AND SAVED MY PRECIOUS LITTLE DOG.
UPON GETTING BACK ON THE BRIDGE, HE CHECKED MY PUPPIE OUT AND TOLD ME,
"ZE DOG IS OK. HE VILL BE FINE."
Due to his selfless heroic act, I ASKED, "ARE YOU A VET?"
HE REPLIED,
"VET? I'M FUCKING SOAKED!"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- Ready for another you can't make this up? -- Lady Elizabeth, 13:41:23 05/02/12 Wed
When my DS was born in the 80's we made the decision not to have him circumcised which was rarely done then. A few days later I was changing his diaper in front of my in-laws for the first time. My mother in law took one look and put on her glasses to peer closer.
"He's NOT circumcised!" she screeched. Father in law also put on glasses and had a look. Then she turned to me in all honesty and told me "We had Doug (my DH) circumcised!" I had
to turn my head away so they wouldn't see my grin and restrain myself from say, "Oh really? I haven't noticed."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) amusing -- Ausiewench, 22:11:11 04/26/12 Thu
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers:
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
**************************************************************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
****************************************************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
****************************************************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this -- I've got the little Fokker in sight!"
******************************************************************************************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
*****************************************************************************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.."
******************************************************************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , Germany , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany .
Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful B ritish accent): " Because you lost the bloody war!"
*******************************************************************************************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on frequency 124.7 "
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure. By the way,after we lifted
off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact departure on frequency 124..7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
********************************************************************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,
rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and
said: "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
*******************************************************************************************************
The German air controllers at the Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The B A 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."
******************************************************************************************************
While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Fort Lauderdale , Florida made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
----------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 22:00:21 04/26/12 Thu
....................................................................................................................................
She: "Can I drive?"
He: "No, I'm fine"
She: "Oh, please let me. I really want to."
He: "No, I said"
She: "Tell you what, if you let me drive just for a bit, I'll give you a blow job"
He: "Really?"
She: "Promise."
He: "Oh, OK then."
. . .. . "And that, your honour, is the final entry from the black box on the Costa Concordia".
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 21:58:28 04/26/12 Thu
Franco says to Luigi: "Close your curtains the next time you're having sex with Sophia. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday. "
Luigi says:
"Well, their idiots and the joke's on them......'cause I wasn't even home yesterday"!
....................................................................................................................................
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 21:13:58 04/26/12 Thu
A senior citizen bought a brand new BMW Z4 convertible and drove it out of the salesroom.
Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160.
Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend.
If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman.
I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- and sorry if this is a repeat... -- Aussiewench, 21:07:12 04/26/12 Thu
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the knob and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits."
She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-).have we had this one b4......... sorry if its a repeat -- Aussiewench, 20:46:06 04/26/12 Thu
A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's Father.
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 20:32:14 04/26/12 Thu
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . .
The moral of the story - Pay your f**kin' bills.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 20:23:39 04/26/12 Thu
Who in the hell is Gary?
Well Gary is the guy who gets home late one night and Marilyn his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?"
Gary replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Certified Public Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Gary is in the Royal Brisbane Hospital, Intensive Care Unit, Room 233
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 19:57:27 04/26/12 Thu
Thank god us Aussies have such a great sense of humour!!!
Q&A below
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from..
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear.. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- Idiot Sightings - Not sure these are true, but they are funny. I'll add my own - my beloved grandma, who's been gone 20 years (and I still miss her) , said to me as we were driving down a country road and after having spotted a "Deer Crossing - Next 9 miles" sign, "Why put the sign here if the deer crossing is 9 miles away?" I nearkly drove off the road laughing. Bless her heart!! -- TerriC, 08:24:52 04/22/12 Sun
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please." She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size." When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....
_____________________________________________
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side . '
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS
___________________________________
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.
________________________________________________
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
_____________________________________________
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office To request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
___________________________________________________________
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
____________________________________________
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
_________________________________________________________
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
________________________________________________________
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments .
____________________________________________________
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself. And for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- Real Life Joke to Share -- Lady Elizabeth, 17:07:05 04/14/12 Sat
You can't make this stuff up. We live on a small beef farm and have several feral barn cats. My family and I were away for the day and heard a strange noise in the garage when we came home, sort of a merowling. My DH had an old dryer stored there for parts or who knows what and there was the body of an young orange cat sticking out of the back. DH took the metal sheet back off the dryer and behold there was the cat's head. A very angry very head stuck in the vent hole of a dryer cat. He was sort of wearing a huge metal necklace. I came up with the brilliant idea that if he put his head in there his head could come back out with help so I proceeded to grease his head with vaseline and DH pulled gently. Cat hissed and the head did not come out. By this time DH was wearing gauntlets to handle cat with huge dryer metal attached to his body. He got a pair of tin snips and painstakingly cut the metal until he parted it enough for the cat to get his head out. The ungrateful beast ran away. The next few days you would see an orange cat, with a very greasy, dirt covered head at the food bowl. It took him a week or so and a buddy or two to get clean again and for some reason I always received the evil eye from him after that. DH said apparently cat was chasing a mouse who ran thru the hole in dryer and cat did not make it.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- What do burnt pizza, frozen beer and a pregnant woman have in common! -- DawnaL, 14:36:37 04/11/12 Wed
Some idiot forgot to pull it out in time!
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- Real life joke to share -- Lady Elizabeth, 18:01:30 04/09/12 Mon
This made me recall a outdoor country wedding we went to years ago. The bestman picked up a young turkey wandering around the yard, just before the ceremony started and it pooped all down the front of him. He changed before they started. So he was then in jeans and t shirt. Then my husband and I had a real laugh later during the reception. One of the guests disappeared home to get a hay wagon for the guests to go for a hay ride in. He showed up with his tractor and “wagon”. We politely declined and watched some of the guests go riding thru the small town streets in a manure spreader while dressed in their wedding finery. Well I will admit, it did have hay in it.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- What did one saggy boob say to the other? --
LadyDuBois, 18:02:10 04/05/12 Thu
We better perk up or they are going to think we're nuts
Last edited by author: Thu April 05, 2012 18:02:42
Edited 1 time.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- In the Pub -- CarolSR, 09:18:11 03/31/12 Sat
I was in the pub on Saturday night.
I noticed two large girls by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I said "Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?"
One of them chirped, "It's WALES you freaking idiot !!!"
So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- Mood Ring -- Lady Elizabeth, 18:30:03 03/30/12 Fri
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy
me a diamond.. Dumb ass
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- Cold Water -- Lady Stormwing, 19:48:36 03/21/12 Wed
Johnny went to visit his 90 year-old grandfather in a remote, rural northern village. After a great night night chatting away, Johnny's grandfather cooked him up a hearty breakfast of eggs, bacon, and toast. Looking at the plate, however, Johhny noticed a filmy stubstance covering it and asked the old man, "Grandpa, are these plates clean?"
"Clean as cold water can make them!" replied his grandfather. "Just go ahead and finish your meal!"
For lunch the grandfather made hamburgers, and again Johnny was concerned about the plates. It seemed there were specks of dried egg on them now, too. "Grandpa, are you sure about these plates?"
"Son, I told you before these plates are as clean as cold water can get 'em! Now stop fretting. I don't want to hear another word about it."
Later that afternoon, Johnny was on his way to the nearby town. As he tried to get to his car, his grandfather's dog slunk out from under the porch and started growling, not letting him pass. "Grandpa! Your dog won't let me get by!"
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the grandfather yelled, "Cold Water! Ya go lay down now, ya hear me! Down!"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- he's my brother -- lady elizabeth, 06:02:07 03/19/12 Mon
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and preceded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
=
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- For St. Patrick's Day -- LadyStormwing, 18:22:40 03/18/12 Sun
The Leprechaun Brothers
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) -- JustGina, 09:51:25 03/14/12 Wed
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner [but certainly not a redneck!], a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a ...Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47-53 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- Age discrepancies -- Lady Cate, 07:36:58 03/07/12 Wed
MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL ..
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1963. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED FACED,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
JERK
ASKED,
"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- The Concussion - true, but funny -- Lady Cate, 16:14:48 03/04/12 Sun
My friend was going away for the weekend w/her DH, so her sister, a nurse, came to stay w/the kids. On Saturday afternoon during a game, James got hit in the head w/a bat. The sister, being a nurse, checked him out, but was still concerned about a possible concussion, so she woke him at 11:00 p.m. and 1:00 a.m., and to make sure he was lucid, asked him his name. When she went to wake him at 3:00, she found a Post-It taped to his forehead that said, "My name is James!"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- The Painter -- Lady Cate, 08:35:40 03/03/12 Sat
A couple was having their house professionally painted. One afternoon, after a hard day at work, the husband came home and leaned against a freshly painted wall. The next morning when the painter arrived, the wife asked him, "Do you want to see where my husband put his hand last night?"
The painter answered, "Look, lady, I'm married and I've got a lot of work to do today. Would you just make us some coffee instead?"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- Q. What do you call a quarter pounder with cheese? A. Angelina Jolie with a yeast infection. -- Lemora, 09:46:38 02/29/12 Wed
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 00:22:57 02/28/12 Tue
THE KIND HEARTED SCOTTISH HUSBAND
My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"
So we walked past it again.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- an oldie but funny :-) -- Aussiewench, 00:07:23 02/28/12 Tue
Getting Even
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet..
The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's' pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 00:02:40 02/28/12 Tue
Irish vs The French!
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Teacozy !' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well Paddy, my name is Sarkozy he replied. How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- Dog or Husband -- Lady Elizabeth, 06:44:48 02/16/12 Thu
Let's see who loves you more your dog or your husband.
Look each one in the trunk of different cars.
After one hour open the trunks and see who is glad to see you.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-)))) -- Aussiewench, 18:31:42 02/15/12 Wed
LITTLE JOHNNY'S SISTER
OH No!!! He has a sister????????????
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground !"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No... Salty."
Mum fainted.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 18:23:47 02/15/12 Wed
One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.
"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari, You guessed it: Her share of the lotto winnings...
That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.
"What's this?" she asks her husband.
"Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- HEADLINE NEWS: I think we may have had these before, but they're worth a repeat. -- jayn, 03:10:03 02/14/12 Tue
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
_____________________________
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
******************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- A dog's life -- Lady Cate, 07:11:16 02/13/12 Mon
t's just dawned on me....
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs and he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> I think my dog is a member of Congress!
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- I like this one - daft - but funny :) -- ali cat, 11:54:04 02/06/12 Mon
After a visit to a house of prostitution, a man notices green lumps on his willy, so he goes to the doctors.
“That’s pretty bad” says the doctor.
“You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”
“Yes” replied the man in a worried tone
“Well” says the doctor
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
“You've got brothel sprouts.”
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- Difference Between Men and Women Friends -- Margit, 05:11:35 01/30/12 Mon
Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.
* *
Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- Q. Have you heard about the new Kardashian Barbie? It's just like the Regular Barbie, only there's more plastic. -- Lemora, 17:26:36 01/25/12 Wed
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- 'making a baby' joke -- ali cat, 05:37:19 01/25/12 Wed
Making a Baby.. There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.
The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain, 'Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!.
After a moment she asked, blushing,
'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed,
grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep
to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith,
her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for
more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
'Do you mean they actually
chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can
get to work right away..'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs.Smith fainted
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- Here's the Northen Hemisphere's version of the Diary Aussiwench posted below. It goes around every winter. -- TerriC, 08:27:44 01/23/12 Mon
DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER.
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came long and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the white BULLSHIT slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9 more inches of snow predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- Arab & Scotsman -- Margart, 09:02:27 01/22/12 Sun
The Arab and the Scotsman
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent's Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood,it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went .
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".
To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".__
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 15:11:10 01/21/12 Sat
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay checks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman.. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Words of Wisdom "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 16:42:05 01/16/12 Mon
MY NEW BOYFRIENDS !!!
I am seeing 5 gentlemen (give or take) every day!.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.
Then I go to see John.
Then Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I'm really tired & very glad to go to bed with Earl Grey.
What a life!
Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer;
Or whatever his name is. I forget !
And I'm thinking of calling JACK DANIELS, Jim Beam, or JOHNNY WALKER to come over and keep me company.
Now remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper.....the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- Football...it's everywhere. Even in Heaven. -- LadyStormwing, 19:35:27 01/15/12 Sun
God asked Aaron Rogers, "What do you believe?"
Rogers said, "I believe in hard work and in staying true to your family and friends."
God can't help but to see the goodness of Rogers and offers him a seat to His left. Then God turns to Tim Tebow and asks, "What do you believe?"
Tebow replies, "I believe in Your total goodness, love, and generosity, and that You have given all to mankind."
God can't help but to see the goodness in Tebow and offers him a seat to His right. Finally, God turns to Tom Brady and asks, "What do you believe?"
Brady replies, "I believe You're in my seat."
(Go Patriots!)
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- "-) -- Aussiewench, 19:27:27 01/15/12 Sun
How To Get Zero On An Exam
A sense of humor and thinking outside the box is definitely worth more than 0%.....
STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) an old joke but good -- Aussiewench, 22:03:27 01/11/12 Wed
Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a 'man about town' so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.
Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said,
'Oh Pedro, what is that?'
Pedro being very quick thinking said, 'Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these.' And, then, he proceeded to
show her what it was for, and Maria was happy.
The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.
'Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too.'
Thinking fast, Pedro said, 'Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those.'
Marie being very stupid accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night.
Pedro went off to work, again, the next morning; and, when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.
Pedro said, 'Maria, what is the matter now?'
'Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- In honor of Aussiewench: http://www.smedg.org.au/DougAdamsOnOz.html -- Susannah, 06:54:17 01/10/12 Tue
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-).sorry ive been gone so long from jokes board ,... life very busy :-) -- Aussiewench, 15:30:43 01/09/12 Mon
DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA
August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Port Hedland , Western Australia ..
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my new home.
I love it here.
September 13
Really heating up now.
It got to 31 today.
No problem though.
Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds !!
September 30
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.
Lots of palms and rocks.
No more mowing lawns for me!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
It's Paradise !
October 10
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week..
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's windy though.
Keeps the flies off a bit.
Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.
October 15
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday..
Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed three days off work.
What a dumb thing to do..
Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!
October 20
- Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.
By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.
The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit.
I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25
- This wind is a bastard.
It feels like a giant fucking blow dryer.
And it's hot as hell!
The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fucking Perth .....The wife & the kids are complaining.
October 30
- The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fucking air conditioner.
House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4
Finally got the fucking air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35.
Stupid repairman.
Fucking thief..
November 8
- If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?'
I'm going to fucking throttle him.
Fucking heat!
By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my fucking clothes are soaking fucking wet and I smell like baked cat.
Fucking place is the end of the Earth.
November 9
- Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car.
I thought my fucking arse was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my fucking arse.
Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
November 10
-- The Weather report might as well be a fucking recording..
Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny, Hot and fucking sunny.
It never fucking changes!
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 fucking months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Fuck!
November 15
- Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fucking place?
Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fucking pool.
The only things that thrive in this fucking hell-hole are the fucking flies.
You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!
November 20
- Welcome to HELL!
It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today.
Now the air conditioner gone in my car.
The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'
I wanted to shove the fucking car up his fucking arse.
Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick.
Fucking Port Hedland!
What kind of sick, demented fucking idiot would want to live here!
December 1
- WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!
You are fucking kidding me!
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) I find this very funny -- Aussiewench, 15:16:30 01/09/12 Mon
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 15:05:10 01/09/12 Mon
A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".
The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: Where the hell are you?
Husband: Darling you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said Baby it'll be yours one day.
Wife, with a smile blushing: Yes, I remember that my Love.
Husband: Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 14:55:06 01/09/12 Mon
'You know you're Australian when:
* You believe that stubbies can either be drunk or worn.
* You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
* You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.
* You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.
* You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'.
* You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'.
* You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
* You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
* You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
* You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.
* You believe that cooked down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread - you've squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.
* You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
* Beetroot with your Hamburger... of course!
* You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again' And 'Living next door to Alice'.
* You wear ugg boots outside the house.
* You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off for a pittance.
* You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
* Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
* You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, While 'scuse me' is always polite.
* You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
* You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.
* Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
* You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac Cookies'.
* You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.
* When working in a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
* You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in "o": arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc...
* You know that there is a universal place called 'woop woop' located in the middle of nowhere, no matter where you actually are!
* You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like piss.
* You sleep with Aeroguard on in the summer and don't mind it as a perfume.
* You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, sweet, to mean "good" and when you place 'bloody' in front of it when you really mean it.
* You know that the barbecue is a political arena.
* You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.
* You understand what no wucking furries means.
* You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.
* You own a Bond's chesty - in several different colors.
* You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- in good health -- kgp, 04:29:41 01/08/12 Sun
A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.
So he says; "What's all this about?"
She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".
To which her hubby fires back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up." She replies!
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- The Garden -- Lady Stormwing, 21:14:20 12/30/11 Fri
An old man was living alone. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, used to help him, but Vincent was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't get to plant my tomatoes this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, just like the old days.
Love, Dad.
A few days later he recieved a reply from his son.
Dad,
Whatever you do, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the whole area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, he recieved another letter.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant your tomatoes now. That was the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- Christmas Party - Beware :) -- CarolSR, 09:36:33 12/30/11 Fri
Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00.'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks
Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More 'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- Q. Why did the farmer like to watch his rooster chase Margaret Thatcher around the barnyard? A. He wanted to see a chicken catch a Tory. -- Lemora, 19:32:04 12/29/11 Thu
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- Gotta Read this one -- CarolSR, 07:09:11 12/21/11 Wed
Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00.'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks
Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More 'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- First date winner -- Lady Elizabeth, 15:19:08 12/20/11 Tue
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. ! ! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'. And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'
Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- The Ostrich -- Lady Stormwing, 21:05:55 12/19/11 Mon
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40, please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right…Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- gyno visit -- lady elizabeth, 19:34:48 12/12/11 Mon
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor . Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- Newlyweds -- Lady Stormwing, 12:42:58 12/03/11 Sat
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon as wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama ... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- When you've only got 100 years to live... -- Lady Stormwing, 22:55:51 11/29/11 Tue
A man is getting his physical on his 60th birthday and says to the doctor, "Doc, you think I'll live another forty years and see 100?"
The doctor consulted his chart. "That depends. Do you smoke?"
"No," said the man.
"Drink? Do drugs? Run around with loose women?"
"No, no! No, of course not!" exclaimed the man.
"Well then," said the doctor. "What's the point?"
----
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled-up magazine.
“What the hell was that for?” he asked.
“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,” she replied.
“But you don’t understand,” he pleaded. “Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”
“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, “What was that for?” he pleaded.
“Your horse just called!”
----
Q: Quick! You're being attacked by a gang of clowns! What should you do?
A: Go for the juggler.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 18:05:32 11/29/11 Tue
Places I have and have not been
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!
I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- Frightful Announcement -- Margit, 23:42:48 11/27/11 Sun
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in coach class said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- :-)... I think i would tell this joker to get lost too -- Aussiewench, 16:29:41 11/21/11 Mon
Old Flame
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who This morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.
'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.
'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older
and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'
She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.
'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'
So I told her to get lost
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 16:27:06 11/21/11 Mon
Quickies:
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank You for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the Beep.
If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine...
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your
glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
around,You're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give Him time
To think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
****************************************
Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted,
Dad had a heart attack & our driver ran away.
*********************************************************
A women asks man who is traveling with six children: Are all these kids yours?
The man replies: No, I work in a condom factory and these are "customer complaints ".
*********************************************************
A young boy asks his Dad: "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son. That's confidential."
*********************************************************
Nominated as the best short joke this year...:
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles
while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- Bar jokes -- Lady Cate, 07:57:57 11/21/11 Mon
A priest, a rabbi, and a talking dog walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Three men walked into a bar. The fourth one ducked.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- A Goverment's Christmas -- jayn, 07:33:18 11/21/11 Mon
No nativity this Christmas on Parliament Hill.
There will be no Nativity Scene in Ottawa this year!
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the Parliament Hill this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.
A search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- partolman -- lady elizabeth, 16:25:18 11/16/11 Wed
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in
his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him
about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough
so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive
tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black
letters was the sentence.
"Get well soon..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- Luther to Hayden on "Coach" -- Lady Elizabeth, 16:36:56 11/14/11 Mon
"This morning I made out my will. If I die... I want you to
be my executioner. If by chance I become decapacitated, you know kept alive by superficial means, and am on a persperator,
for God's sake DON"T PULL THE PLUG."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- The Family -- LadyStormwing, 19:54:39 11/13/11 Sun
A man in Chicago called his daughter in Texas. "Dear, your mother and I have decided to get a divorce."
Understandably, the girl went ballistic. "What? You've been married for 42 years! Why? You can't do this! Don't do anything rash until I talk to my brother." She hung up the phone and called her brother in San Francisco. He had the same confused, upset, and bewildered reaction.
"Listen, sis. Call Mom and Dad and tell them to sit tight. I''ll make travel arrangements and we'll both go see them next week."
The girl agreed and called her father, explaining that she and her brother would come the following week. At the end of the conversation, the man hung up the phone and turned to his wife. "Good news. The kids are coming home for Thanksgiving, and paying their own way."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- From Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update segment (with Seth Myers): -- ScarlettO, 21:25:31 11/12/11 Sat
On Tuesday, the nation's first ever simultaneous nationwide test of the Emergency Alert System was conducted on television, radio, and cable.
But frankly, unless they TEXT it, we're all gonna die.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- Up & Down sex -- Kry, 23:52:51 11/08/11 Tue
UP & DOWN SEX
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
... they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
'Do you want to go up or down?'
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.
He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day..
She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fuck or drown
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 20:14:18 11/02/11 Wed
ONE SUNDAY MORNING
the priest decided to 2
do something a little different.
He said
'Today, in church, I am going
to say a single word
and you are going to
help me preach.
Whatever single word I say,
I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind --
the pastor shouted out
'CROSS.'
Immediately
the congregation started singing in unison,
'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'
The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began
to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'
The pastor said 'POWER.'
The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'
The Pastor said 'SEX'
The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other
afraid to say anything
Then all of a sudden,
way from in the back of the church,
a little old 87 year old grandmother
stood up and began to sing
'MEMORIES.'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- :-).. have we had this one b4.... ??? -- Aussiewench, 19:25:11 11/02/11 Wed
NAG NAG NAG
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged
himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU
EVER STOP?!'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- 40 year difference -- Margit, 13:56:26 11/02/11 Wed
What a difference 40 years makes:
1970: Long hair
2010: Longing for hair
1970: The perfect high
2010: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1970: KEG
2010: EKG
1970: Acid rock
2010: Acid reflux
1970: Moving to California because it's cool
2010: Moving to California because it's warm
1970: Growing pot
2010: Growing pot belly
1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2010: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1970: Popping pills, smoking joints
2010: Popping joints
1970: Killer weed
2010: Weed killer
1970: Hoping for a BMW
2010: Hoping for a BM
1970: Going to a new, hip joint
2010: Receiving a new hip joint
1970: Rolling Stones
2010: Kidney Stones
1970: Being called into the principal's office
2010: Calling the principal's office
1970: Screw the system
2010: Upgrade the system
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2010: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1970: Taking acid
2010: Taking antacid
1970: Passing the drivers' test
2010: Passing the vision test
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- The Pope and Einstein -- Lady Stormwing, 20:49:31 11/01/11 Tue
The Pope is making a tour of the United States and, of course, has a very busy schedule that he's doing his best to stick to. Unfortunately, things run a bit long at one stop and he has to make up time any way he can if he's to be on time for the next gathering. So he dismisses the rest of his entourage and takes off in the Popemobile with just his driver.
They're making good time on back roads but His Holiness is still worried they're going to be late. He tells his driver to floor it, but the fellow refuses to push it any further. After all, he's heard the police in these parts were tough on speeders and he doesn't want to find out first hand.
His Holiness, irritated, orders the driver to pull over. He insists on doing the driving himself for he says no one will toss the Pope in jail. They take off in a cloud of dust, His Holiness at the wheel, his driver cowering in the back seat.
Not too much later, a state trooper pulls them over. The young officer strides up to the car all business-like and mean. This lasts right up until he sees who is driving. His face pasty-white, he heads back to his cruiser to radio for some advice.
"Um, let me talk to the Chief...Hello, sir, sorry to trouble you, but I have a bit of a problem. Just pulled over a speeder and it turns out to be someone quite important. How should I handle this?"
"Depends on who you got, son. Let me guess...it's the Mayor, right? Had himself another snootful and on a tear?"
"No, sir. It's not the Mayor."
"Bigger than that, eh? Not the Senator, again! And don't tell me he has another young girl with him. It's getting awful hard to keep him out of the papers, you know."
"No sir, it wasn't the Senator. Someone a lot more important."
"Well, who you got, son? The President?"
"I don't rightly know, sir. But whoever he is, he must be damn important, because the Pope's his driver!"
--
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrived at dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then, an supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely glare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- From this month's "Reader's Digest"... -- Lady Stormwing, 20:55:36 10/21/11 Fri
A woman sends her husband out to buy escargot for a dinner party that night. Instead of going straight to the store, he stops off at a pub. Six beers later, he remembers: "The dinner party!" He staggers to the store, buys all the escargot they have, and staggers back home, where he promptly trips over the welcome mat, sending the snails flying. Just then, the door opens. It's his wife, glaring at him. He looks at the snails scattered about and slurs, "Come on, guys, we're almost there!"
--
Mitch was losing his shirt at the racetrack when he noticed a priest bless the forehead of a longshot lining up for the fourth race. Lo and behold, the horse won. Just before the fifth race, the priest did the same to another horse. So Mitch placed a small bet on it and won.
That day, Mitch raked in serious money following the priest's lead. Before the last race, he saw the priest bless the forehead - as well as the eyes, ears, and hooves - of one of the horses. Mitch bet every cent he had, then watched the horse come in last. Dumbfounded, he hollered at the priest, "What happened? All day long, you blessed horses, and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse, and he lost!"
"That's the problem with you Protestants," said the priest. "You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites!"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- :-).. oh i just loved this one -- Aussiewench, 16:20:40 10/18/11 Tue
THE BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and
I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad
but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy,
your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up,
takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says....................
'Grandpa;.......... Go home!
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 16:04:46 10/17/11 Mon
History's top 10 (11) times for appropriate use of the F-word:
11th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my arse!" - Noah, 4314 BC
10th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
9th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
8th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
7th - "It does so f***Ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
6th - "Where the f*** are we?" ? Amelia Earhart, 1937
5th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
4th - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945
3rd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963
2nd - "Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009
AND ... Just arrived....
The 1st most appropriate time for using the "F" word....
"I'm going to save the whole f***ing World with my Carbon Tax!!" - Julia Gillard, 2011
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 01:37:33 10/17/11 Mon
Cow Joke -
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The A.I. man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady,'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'
'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
( It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile.)
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- church humor -- Lady Elizabeth, 05:28:03 10/15/11 Sat
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of! something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner.."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- stimulus money -- Lady Elizabeth, 18:32:59 10/06/11 Thu
How It All Works
The “Economic Stimulus Package” was indeed an exciting program. I’ll explain it briefly using a Q & A format:
Q: What is an ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment?
A: It is money that the federal government will sent to taxpayers.
... Q: Where will the government get this money?
A: From taxpayers.
Q: So the government is giving me back my own money?
A: Only a smidgen of it.
Q: What is the purpose of this payment?
A: The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high definition TV, thus stimulating the economy.
Q: But isn’t that stilulation the economy of Chine (from whom we are borrowing money)?
A: Shut up.
Below is helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus money wisely:
*If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
*If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
*If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
*If you purchase fruit and vegatables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
*If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
*If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
*If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitues, or
4) Beer, or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only Americans businesses still operating in the US.)
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day. Happiness abounds!
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) I dont think ive put this on b4 .. apologies if I have -- Aussiewench, 16:54:04 09/26/11 Mon
A Cowboy
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he
sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring
calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my
dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy"
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon
as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think
about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women
when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a
lesbian."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- sorry, a test. -- jayn, 11:43:26 09/21/11 Wed
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 20:27:29 09/19/11 Mon
Priest in the Jungle
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the
Natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief,
"This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says,
"This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the
Midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds,
"Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun
And kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has
Spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be
Kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied,
"My bike."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- Hmmm. -- jayn, 06:33:02 09/06/11 Tue
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded
weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - - "thank God we can all still drive."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 13:13:11 09/04/11 Sun
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going walking at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- The wisdom of our elders - a variation on a theme -- TerriC, 07:14:01 09/02/11 Fri
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 00:12:16 09/02/11 Fri
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,'he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
------------ --------- --------- --------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) still laughing 5 minutes later -- Aussiewench, 18:15:57 08/31/11 Wed
Golf Panties....
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded..
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- Are you ready for a baby? -- Wilhelmiina, 02:59:14 08/29/11 Mon
Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests... PART II
FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while
pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick
up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 20:16:09 08/27/11 Sat
If the global crisis continues at the present rate,
by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational
..... the Blood Bank ...... and ..... the Sperm Bank!
And before you know it, these two will merge and the
whole place will be full of bloody wankers
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 17:54:38 08/25/11 Thu
Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:
"Dr.. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout.."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push Push.."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.."
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully We'll wait."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- Putting Your Affairs In Order -- Lemora, 14:03:57 08/25/11 Thu
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'
'Cause I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- The Alligator Farmer -- LadyStormwing, 18:44:09 08/23/11 Tue
A man wanted to start an alligator farm. He went out into the Florida Everglades and captured two alligators, a male and a female. He took them home and put them in a pen together, and gave them everything two alligators could possibly want or need.
Several months went by, and no baby alligators. Perplexed and concerned, the man brought in an alligator expert. The expert hopped in the pen, and examined first the female alligator, then the male. Then he jumped out.
"That's it?" asked the man. "What's the problem?"
"It's all very simple," said the expert. "You have a reptile dysfunction."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- Good advice -- jayn, 14:13:04 08/21/11 Sun
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise.
Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer;
it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take
water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.
Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies,
your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact,
they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.
You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable!
It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely
in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition
and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 18:06:51 08/18/11 Thu
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 18:02:18 08/18/11 Thu
Dear Dr Phil,
I was watching my neighbours daughter sunbaking topless from my bedroom window. as I was having a wank, I noticed my wife standing there, arms folded, watching me. Is she a pervert or what?
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- Language lessons for the day. -- jayn, 14:04:55 08/17/11 Wed
UP
Read until the end ... you'll laugh.
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UPour friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warmUP the leftovers and clean
UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!
Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?U
P!
Did that one crack you UP?
Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book . . . or not . . . it's UP to you.
Now I'll shut UP!
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- Living in 2011 -- LadyGrace, 13:34:23 08/17/11 Wed
Living in 2011
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2011 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2 You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10.. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 17:25:44 08/10/11 Wed
Today's groaner!
Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh
His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird-loving uncle ------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh
I saw you smiling ---- there ya Gogh. . . !
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- an old one :-) -- Aussiewench, 17:12:29 08/10/11 Wed
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'
'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 17:04:58 08/10/11 Wed
Degree of blondness
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles
from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'
FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 17:00:04 08/10/11 Wed
Let's offend absolutely everyone!!!
I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'
I told him 'I wish I had your f**king will power'
Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex. Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday..
.
A fat girl served me food in Mcdonald's at lunch time.. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually '
I walked past an abo kid sitting at a Bus Stop as I came out of the Bank. He looked at me and said 'Any Change' I said 'Nope! You’re still Black'
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that!”
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks ‘What is wrong’??
The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’ ‘Oh bejaysus’ the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you’??
The boy replies ‘No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment’.
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ‘I’m having that’
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him ‘Where am I’??
The farmer looks back up and shouts back ‘Ya canna kid me ya flash bastard. You’re in that feckin basket’.
I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was “Where do women have the curliest hair”??
The answer I should have given was “ Fiji ” .
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- Sex After Death -- Lady Elizabeth, 08:10:19 08/10/11 Wed
> A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
> the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was
> no after-life at all.
>
> After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
>
> True to his word, he made the first contact:
>
> "Sue..........Sue"
>
> "Is that you, George?"
>
> "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
>
> "That's wonderful!? What's it like?"
>
> "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's
> off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then
> have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of
> greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the
> Rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then
> it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then
> the next day it starts all over again"
>
> "Oh, George, are you in Heaven?"
>
> "No, I'm a rabbit in Kansas!!"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- My dad claims he made this one up... -- LadyStormwing, 18:10:03 08/07/11 Sun
Did anyone else hear about the three-foot wide clock that washed ashore at Cape Cod this weekend?
Scientests think it is a whale watch.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- Curttains -- TerriC, 17:26:13 08/03/11 Wed
A blonde walks into store and tells the cashier she needs curtains for her computer. The cashier asks the blonde why. She says, "Duuuh, because it has windows!!"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 01:10:33 07/30/11 Sat
One of my favourite jokes is about Mary and Paddy.
Mary and Paddy were engaged to be married. Mary was a virgin and Paddy was very kean to have sex.He didnt want to wait till they were married.
He just kept pestering and begging Mary to let him make love to her.
Paddy said to her " Mary me luv... just let me put only my knob in.. I promise not to go all the way."
Mary thought if she did this then technically she would still be a virgin and finally she gave in to Paddy and said yes to his request.
Paddy was so excited that when they started having sex , he just couldnt contain himself and sheathed himself right up to the hilt and started pounding away.
Mary found herself shocked by how good what Paddy was doing to her felt and caught up in the passion said shyly.. " Paddy, you can go all the way my luv.."
Paddy absolutely stunned because he was all the way said quick as a flash..
'No Mary, .. I canna do that my dear because .. a promise is a promise."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- Retirement is Different for Everyone -- Scarlet A, 07:11:44 07/29/11 Fri
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass, Millie, Nelda, Elma, Lacey, Sippy and Rosie.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.
"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," she said. "They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- Rodney Dangerfield-esque One Liners >>> -- LadyStormwing, 21:41:15 07/25/11 Mon
Come inside the first reply!
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- My favorite old joke>>>> -- Connee, 20:32:44 07/24/11 Sun
A husband and his wife were celebrating their silver anniversary. The man bought her beautiful long stemmed red roses for the occasion. He told her, "There is a rose for each year that we have been happily married."
She said, "But we've been married twenty five years and there are only 20 roses in this bouquet."
He said, "Yes, we have had 20 years of married bliss."
His wife said, "Really?" and immediately pulled 4 roses out of the bunch and threw them into the garbage can.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- In honor of Joke Day... -- Lady Stormwing, 17:42:03 07/24/11 Sun
An oldie but goodie:
Sherlock Holmes Goes Camping
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are camping on the moor. As they lay in their sleeping bags, staring up at the moon, Holmes says, "Watson, tell me what those stars mean to you."
Watson thinks for a moment before replying. "Well," he finally says, "if I am reading them correctly, I can tell you we are 35 miles northwest of London. In speaking of the weather, I believe we will have fair skies tomorrow, and it will be warm. If we are philosophical, those billions of stars remind us that we are but specks of dust in an infinite universe; it's really quite humbling. What do you think, Holmes?"
"Watson, you idiot," said Holmes. "It means somebody stole our tent."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 17:13:41 07/24/11 Sun
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl
about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are
you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to
miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best
kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- What's your favourite really stupid old joke? Here is mine. -- jayn, 05:12:23 07/24/11 Sun
What is the difference between a man and a dog? One wears trousers and the other pants.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES -- Lady Elizabeth, 06:23:16 07/21/11 Thu
AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. FOR MEN ~ AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS
SOME ADDITIONAL IMPORTANT ADVICE: NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A LAXATIVE AND SLEEPING PILLS ON THE SAME NIGHT!
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- The First Draft -- LadyStormwing, 21:56:29 07/12/11 Tue
All great things need an editor. This is why...
The Godfather: "I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse. Well, he can refuse it, of course. I just know that if someone were to make me an offer like this, I’d jump all over it. But who am I to impose my feelings on someone else?"
The Terminator: "I’ll be back. Do you need anything while I’m up?"
Dirty Harry: "You’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? I ask myself that every day, and you know what? I feel so very lucky. Loving family, steady work …"
Taxi Driver: "You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? Sorry, it looked like you were talkin’ to me. My mistake."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 22:40:18 07/10/11 Sun
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 17:10:58 07/09/11 Sat
Annie Wan (Anyone)
Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan? (anyone)
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan ( anyone )!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan (someone) . And I need to talk to Annie Wan ( anyone)! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone ! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan (no one) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one) got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, our father Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee. (sorry)
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- Harlequin Novel, Updated 2011 Version -- Lady Elizabeth, 11:56:31 07/09/11 Sat
He grasped me firmly, but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. He quietly shut the door and we were
alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear."Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding, I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine to the small of my back. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . ..
"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- Pulling A Tooth -- Margit, 02:19:44 07/07/11 Thu
Maybe an old one, but "Repetitio est mater studiorum."
(=Repetition is the mother of learning" )
The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- Joke from Aussiewench -- Aussiewench, 07:44:09 07/03/11 Sun
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We Have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you,I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- Did You Hear The One About The Blonde Cowboy -- Lemora, 15:09:15 07/02/11 Sat
The town sheriff saw the blonde cowboy walking down the main street of the town wearing only his hat, guns in holster, and boots.
The sheriff said, "Whoa there, I'll have to arrest you for indecent exposure. But first, I have to ask you why you're walking out in public in this condition!?"
The cowboy responded, "Well, I met this lady in the bar and we went back to her place. She took off her top and said, "Now, take off your shirt." So, I did.
Next, she took off her skirt, and said, "Now, take off your pants." So, I did.
Then, she took off her panties, and said, "Now, take off your underwear." So, I did.
Then, she stretched out naked on the bed and said, "Here it is, Cowboy, now go to town!"
"And so," continued the cowboy, "here I am!"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? -- Annie Stewart, 21:17:51 06/29/11 Wed
Answer: Two calves, an ass, a beaver, a shitload of hares, one camel toe, and a fish nobody can find.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- A Rabbi Hears Confession -- TerriC, 17:36:40 06/29/11 Wed
A Priest in a small town was called away for an emergency on a Saturday afternoon while he was about to hear confessions. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, and having no one else to assist him he called his Rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The Rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say or do.
The Priest told him to come over and he'd stay with him for a little bit to show him what to do.
The Rabbi dutifully came over. The Rabbi and the Priest were in the confessional working out the details.
A few minutes later, a woman came in and said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do?"
The woman said, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put five dollars in the donation box, go and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man entered the confessional. He said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put five dollars in the box, go and sin no more."
The Rabbi told the Priest that he thought he understood the
procedure, so the Priest left.
A few minutes later another woman entered and said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for five dollars!"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- The Brothel -- TerriC, 17:25:37 06/29/11 Wed
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed,
good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,' said the madam..
'No. I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly
left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.
The man replied, ' Houston, Texas .'
'Really' she said. 'I have family in Houston .'
'I know,' the man said. 'Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- For all my grammatically correct friends. -- jayn, 08:46:57 06/27/11 Mon
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the
medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,
This is a powerful medicine.
You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life,
and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop
the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded,
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a
spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he
was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked,
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences
with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- Credit this truth to Merrymags. -- jayn, 05:20:15 06/26/11 Sun
Why do people say 'man grow some balls' Balls are weak and vulnerable, if you want to be tough, grow a vagina - those things can take a real pounding.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- Thirsty? -- jayn, 10:02:33 06/25/11 Sat
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- The way the army works -- jayn, 09:45:39 06/25/11 Sat
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- The Drunken Scotsman! -- SueP, 16:07:57 06/16/11 Thu
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=MZ35SOU9HTM
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- :-) Not a joke but SOOOOO funny -- Aussiewench, 01:26:34 06/11/11 Sat
I normally hate having to read anything this long but trust me - it's worth it. I had to stop half way - not because I thought it was too big a challenge, but because I was laughing so much & the tears were rolling too. Or would that be because I have a weird sense of humour!!?! (No I'm not a masochist) .......
This is funny. (I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but....WHAT A HOOT!)
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
Read on.........
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe..................OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something, so I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counselling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
"IT WORKS!!
It works !" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair colour......
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-).. -- Aussiewench, 15:38:24 06/10/11 Fri
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"
The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ..
... "Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church either."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- Scots on a train -- kgp, 06:43:37 06/08/11 Wed
Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Englishmen cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 22:25:19 06/04/11 Sat
A attractive inexperienced eighteen year old does not know whether to let her passionate fiance make love to her.
So she asks her mother for advice.
" Well , let him have his way with you," her mother advises. and afterwards ask him what name he's going to give the baby.
She follows her mother's advice and after a very passionate session turns to her fiance and asks " So what are we going to call the baby?"
" If he gets out of that." the young man answers, throwing a condom in the garbage bin...
" We will call him Houdini."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- A Frenchman, An Englishman, and a Jew all staggered into an inn after an exhausting journey across a desert: The Frenchman said: "Ah, I am so tired and thirsty, I must have wine!" The Englishman said: "I say, I am so tired and thirsty, I must have a dry martini!" The Jew said, "Oy, I am so tired and thirsty, I must have diabetes!" -- Lemora, 19:39:50 05/27/11 Fri
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- Did you hear the new Irish joke? -- LadyStormwing, 18:07:32 05/25/11 Wed
Did you hear the new Irish joke? An Irish guy walks out of a bar. No, really!
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- 40th anniversary -- Lady Cate, 05:10:11 05/23/11 Mon
A bunch of girlfriends were enjoying a girls' night out when the subject of anniversaries came up. One gal, Nancy, revealed that she had a 40th anniversary coming up, and that she had made special plans.
"I'm taking him to Hawaii," she said, a gleam in her eye.
"Wow, that's a great gift. That'll be hard to top. What will you do for your 50th?" a friend wanted to know.
"I'll go back to Hawaii and get him."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- WARNING -- jayn, 06:48:08 05/20/11 Fri
Shampoo alert!
As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before? Now I understand why I am so "full-figured"!
Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. It says right on the label "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
It pays to read the warning labels, my friends
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
- Wear sunscreen. (Not exactly a joke, but still fun.) -- Lady Cate, 09:01:38 05/19/11 Thu
Wear Sunscreen
By Mary Schmich of the Chicago Tribune
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '98: Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blind side you at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
- :-) -- Aussiewench, 20:53:38 05/11/11 Wed
Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.
The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening'
'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.
'Oh, that........ Ralph was too tired..'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][ Edit | View ]
Replies:
(NT) -- 
