- Mood Swings --
TanyaB, 15:41:57 10/18/09 Sun
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy
me a diamond.. Dumb ass
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Quotes!! Something for everyone (insanity is a bonus) -- keitaya, 00:47:45 10/15/09 Thu
If I could get a firm grip on reality I'd choke it.
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning many, and the word 'tics', meaning blood thirsty parasites.
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, cackle and poke me saying, "you're next." They stopped doing it after I started doing the same at funerals.
Stupidity killed the cat, Curiosity was framed.
If you can keep your head in a situation when other people are losing theirs, you probably don't understand the situation.
Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Americans will put up with anything so long as it doesn't block traffic.
In primitive society, when natives beat the ground with sticks and yelled it was called witchcraft. Today it's called Golf.
Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark, professionals built the Titanic.
Trouble defies the laws of gravity. Its easier to pick up than to drop.
If you can't fix it with duck tape you obviously aren't using enough.
I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do. (Surprisingly that is true, because of an accident when I was fourteen my back hurts from the moment I wake up till the moment I go to sleep, It SUCKS! Here's some advice, if you ever get hurt and it's in a fairly breakable place, like your SPINAL CORD don't go to a marching band practice for three hours after school. GO TO THE DOCTOR! okay my rants over)
The shortest distance between two points is always under construction.
A clear conscience in always the sign of a bad memory.
People think it must be fun to be a super genius. They don't realize how hard it is to put up with the idiots of the world.
I reject your reality and substitute my own!(points for anyone who can guess where this came from)
There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is in fact a Great Wall of China with armed sentreis posted every twenty feet.
Murphy's Military Laws:
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are
Firendly fire ain't
The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at
Incoming fire has the right of way
The only thing more accurate than incoming fire is incoming friendly fire
There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you and miss
Don't be conspicuous, In the combat zone it draws fire. Out of the combat zone it draws sergeants
If your sergeant can see you so can the enmy
Hangover: The Wrath of Grapes
We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police do.
Ociffer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!
There are two kids of Pedestrians in the world; the Quick and the Dead!
Give and man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him all weekend.
Stress: A condition brought on by over-riding the bodies desire to choke the living daylight out of some jerk who desperately deserves it.
It's strange isn't it, you stand in the middle of a library and go ahhhhh and everyone stares at you. Do the same on an airplane and everyone joins in.
Member of the Nation Bomb Squard: if you see me running try and keep up
If the birds are upside down, you're drunk and on the ground.
Meddle ye not in the afairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and good with ketchup.
Heaven kicked me out, and Hell is afraid I'll take over.
Americans have funny ways of saying things. They saw elevator, we say lift. They say President, we say... stupid psychopathic git.
Those who think happiness is a ray of sunlight shining through the clouds obiously never danced in the rain.
When life hands you lemons, make apple juice. Then sit back and laugh at the fools while they try to figure out how you did it.
I'm 21 and legally old enough to do all the stuff I've been doing since 13.
If ya don't know me, don't judge me. Ain't nobody said, you gotta love me.
Whoever said mothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door.
92 percent of American teens would ide if Abercrombie and Fitch told hem it was un-cool to breathe. Go ahead and laugh your ass off if you're part of the other 8 percent.
Whoever siad: "Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words will never harm me", never got hit with a dictionary.
Have you ever noticed if you rearrange the letters in mother-in-law you end up with 'Woman Hitler'.
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.
If it's sent by ship it's considered Cargo. It it's sent by road it's considered a shipment.
Anyone can be a father, bt only somecan be a dad.
All the good ones are gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.
Whenit rains on my party, I bust out the slip-in-slid.
Republicans for Voldemort!
Always forgive your enemies- nothing annoys they so much.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk. They spend the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
Friends will always b like "well you deserve better". Best friends will be prank calling him saying "you will die in seven days".
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.
Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.
Don't follow in my footsteps, I run into a ot of walls.
Growing old in mandatory, growing up is optional.
If it weren't for electricity we'd be watching television by candlelight.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Wether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world togther.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me in kick boxing.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaminglike the people in his car.
To catch me you got to be fast, to find me you got to be smart, but to be me? Damn you must be kidding...
Why do people say ‘heads up’ when you should duck?
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- What is this? -- Margit, 05:44:54 10/13/09 Tue
What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between your Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole
AND Works Best When Jerked?
*
*
*
*
It is a Seatbelt.. Buckle up!
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Cheating -- Margit, 07:34:36 10/05/09 Mon
Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.
St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you´re here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."
The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"
The first guy says, "24 years." "Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked.
The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "Yeah, but that´s not too good. Here´s a Pinto to drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.
The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."
Peter said, "I´m pleased to hear that, here´s a Lincoln."
The 3rd guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you´re going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn´t even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "That´s what I like to hear. Here´s a Jaguar!"
A few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Italian honeymoon -- Margit, 07:32:06 10/05/09 Mon
Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men. So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her.
'Don't worry Maria,' says the mother. 'Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.'
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'
'Don't worry, Maria,' says his mother. 'All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
So up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.
Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs.' 'Don't worry Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot-and-a-half.'
'Stay here and stir the pasta,' says the mother. 'This is a job for Mama!'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Jokes to offend everyone -- DragonLady, 14:07:54 10/04/09 Sun
JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE...
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....
Why is there no Disneyland in Japan?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Japanese Honeymoon -- DragonLady, 14:06:14 10/04/09 Sun
A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally let out a big fart. She looked up and said:
'Aww so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud.'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Aliens Land -- DragonLady, 15:18:55 10/03/09 Sat
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, “I'd calm down if I were you.”
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!”
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, “You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.”
“Rubbish,” replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
“What a ferocious creature!” exclaimed the young, fried alien. “He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?”
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, “If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.”
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- new deodorant -- DragonLady, 15:14:16 10/03/09 Sat
I got this new deodorant today.
The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome!!!
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Penguins -- Lady Elizabeth, 19:26:21 10/01/09 Thu
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?
Wonder no more!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives and extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and
will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other
memmbers of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Then they kick him in the ice hole."
You really didn't believe that I know anything
about penguins, did you?
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Blonde Mortician -- Scarlet A, 08:56:23 09/29/09 Tue
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment,the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says..
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Chocolate math - click here --> http://www.wikihow.com/Calculate-Your-Age-by-Chocolate -- Lady Cate, 08:02:56 09/23/09 Wed
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- This one cracked me up even though I could see the punch line coming -- albion, 13:00:49 09/16/09 Wed
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts You have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".
"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was My first shot at this,you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right.. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
" Well, Eve, how is My favourite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- New A lphabet -- Margit, 06:01:31 09/15/09 Tue
Just read it elsewhere and, as I found it funny, wanted to share with you:
A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now The New Alphabet:
A 's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
Perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H . High blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I . For incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Old Couple Getting Married -- Margit, 00:03:22 09/14/09 Mon
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds "
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and
Sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Cop joke -- Annie Stewart, 21:11:29 09/09/09 Wed
An RCMP officer stops at a farm and talks with an old farmer.
He tells the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs."
The farmer says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer.
"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the farmer hears loud screams and sees the RCMP officer running for his life chased close behind by the farmer's bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The officer is clearly terrified.
The old farmer throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs, "Your badge! Show him your badge!"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Important Medical Information -- TheresaS, 12:58:01 09/03/09 Thu
Important Women's Health Issue:
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Margaritas.
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of
your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing
to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas
almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can
overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want
to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you
will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and
start living, with Margaritas.
Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind
nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:
- Dizziness
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke
WARNINGS:
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you
can sing...
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Please share this with other women who may need Margaritas.
Thank you.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Never Cheat on a SOUTHERN WOMAN! -- Stephanie M, 12:14:00 09/02/09 Wed
A Southern wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood power, she dragged him by the willy down the stairs, out the backdoor, and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his hoo-ha in a vice, then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, 'Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you? The wife put the saw in her husband's hand and said...... 'Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire. You do whatever you want.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- who? -- Jayn, 13:29:17 10/20/09 Tue
- Anyone? -- Ruthlass, 20:45:45 08/30/09 Sun
I heard this quote on National Public Radio. Does anyone know the author? Have I quoted it correctly?
First you have the Welsh, who pray on their knees,
and their neighbors.
Then you have the Irish, who don't know what they want,
but will fight you to get it.
Then you have the Scots, who keep the Sabbath,
and anything else they ever got their hands on.
Finally you have the English,
who claim to be a self-made people,
thereby absolving the Almighty of a great deal.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Cash For Clunkers - my body -- Chessie >^..^<, 18:09:55 08/29/09 Sat
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see thing up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide an skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it -- almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.
CASH FOR CLUNKERS.........I QUALIFY - How about You?
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Going along with the things kids say funnies... -- Cathryn_L, 11:40:02 08/14/09 Fri
Read this article a friend forwarded to me, regarding a woman taking her 3 year old boy into the restroom with her.
http://www.christianitytoday.com/momsense/2007/janfeb/3.10.html
I was nearly crying with laughter by the end. Enjoy!
Last edited by author: Fri August 14, 2009 11:40:34
Edited 1 time.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- The Things Kids Say -- Margit, 00:17:00 08/10/09 Mon
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What did he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers & wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'
9) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
10) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Did you hear about the Agnostic, insomniac dyslexic? He lies awake all night, wondering if there really is a dog! -- Lemora, 23:01:19 08/08/09 Sat
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- SIPPING VODKA -- Miss Michele, 17:56:36 08/07/09 Fri
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- A young boy's confession -- Scarlet A, 13:33:51 07/31/09 Fri
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and four good leads."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- I have no idea if these are true, but they are funny, and a bit scary at the same time..... -- Whiskey Eyes, 18:28:34 07/23/09 Thu
IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have our garage door opener repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'
-We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.. Our total was $4..25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75¢ in change.
-Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
-from Kingman , Kansas
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
-from Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled know ingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
-Happened in Birmingham , Alabama
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
-She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING:
We were at good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
-This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
-A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'Its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'
-This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE!
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Oh, God. So many in KS. I live just a wee bit north of Kingman, KS and just west of Wichita. Poor stupid people.... (NT) -- Lisa L., 20:35:14 07/23/09 Thu
- *groan* (NT) -- Chirre, 05:19:54 07/26/09 Sun
- My dh and I were stopped at a light that beeped for the hearing impaired. We were used to the sound of birds chirping instead of the beeping so he asked what the sound was. I was preoccupied and carelessly said it was so the deaf people could cross the street. I couldn't figure out why he was looking at me so weird until I replayed what I had said. He has been teasing me mercilessly since. (NT) -- Toby, 19:40:05 07/26/09 Sun
- I hate to admit it but I asked my DH once why he had a wire coat hanger in the back of his car. He replied in case I lock my keys in the car again. (NT) -- Lady Elizabeth, 05:43:14 07/27/09 Mon
- Today, This American Life featured the true story of how a bogus black market arms dealer led the FBI on a wild goose chase after 9/11. Undercover agents, posing as (bogus) shady arms buyers asked him to get them a missile and some other heavy duty fire arms. When the arms were procured, the agents complained that they all had serial numbers and thus, could not be purchased. >>>> -- Lemora, 22:57:41 08/08/09 Sat
- Cat Game -- Purple17cat, 16:24:49 07/13/09 Mon
This reminded me of the Leap Frog game...thought i'd share :)
http://www.members.shaw.ca/gf3/circle-the-cat.html
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Wow, that's hard! I gave it about 10 tries before I gave up. (NT) -- Scarlet A, 12:48:42 07/14/09 Tue
- I know it's Hard took me forever to get it. But so satisfying when you do get it. :) (NT) -- Purple17cat, 11:35:15 07/15/09 Wed
- For some reason I found the cat game much easier than the frogs. I had to cheat to get the frogs, and then it took me like 10 times to memorize the correct way! (NT) -- Lady_Jane, 20:02:32 07/19/09 Sun
- I've seen this game before and had a terrible time getting the wee kitty, but this time, I got it on the first try! (NT) -- Whiskey Eyes, 16:44:19 07/20/09 Mon
- Cat wns.. but that is what is about. Go Adso! (NT) -- ANNA, 08:09:16 07/22/09 Wed
- Yea!!! I trapped the wee kitty on the 6th try!!! Yahoo! It's important to celebrate the little things!! :-D (NT) -- LindaMc, 17:16:12 08/17/09 Mon
- My DD (12) told me this one -- Pat, 07:03:05 07/10/09 Fri
There's this woman, and she's strapped to a bomb with a timer.
She calls out to Superman: "Superman, please, help me!!! The timer on the bomb says 59 seconds!!!"
And Superman says: "I'll be there in a minute!"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- a little grade 2 test to try -- DragonLady, 09:53:57 07/09/09 Thu
Here is a little 'test' that is (supposedly) part of a second grade Computer class in China . Some figure it out right away.
Others report having to work on it for a week (or more) to solve it.
Click on the test below .
Frog Leap Test
You can not jump 2 or jump backwards.
sorry i dont' know how to put in direct links you may have to copy and paste, but it's worth it.
http://funstufftosee.com/frogleaptest.html
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- well, after many attempts I did succeed - in much longer than two minutes but can't do it a second time, duh! (NT) -- Lady Lam - (am being a dolt and can't remember my password), 14:18:03 07/09/09 Thu
- Dang! I tried it about 15 times, w/o success, then DS 2, 12 years old, does it on his first attempt! (HINT: move frogs of alternating colors) (NT) -- Lady Cate, 08:29:47 07/10/09 Fri
- I cant do this (NT) -- Margy, 14:51:07 07/12/09 Sun
- I did it!! I have actually done it before but I forgot and it took me a bit to figure it out. Then I did 3X just to make sure that I could repeat it. (NT) -- Latinlassie, 12:22:34 07/16/09 Thu
- so this is totally NOT fun stuff to those of us who are challenged in this arena...at some point, someone is going to have to post the solution...PLEASE!!! (NT) -- JudithONH, 22:34:28 07/16/09 Thu
- I can't believe I had to cheat!! It seems so simple and I was tearing my hair out! (NT) -- Brookita, 22:38:17 07/19/09 Sun
- Farrah Fawcett died and arrived at the Pearly Gates to Heaven. St. Peter told her he'd grant her a final wish before admitting her. She said, "I wish that all the children in the world could be safe." Next moment, Michael Jackson showed up. -- Lemora, 22:01:17 07/07/09 Tue
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Women... -- Margit, 00:23:40 06/22/09 Mon
The woman was happily showing off her BMW. "It was nice of your husband to buy you that new car," said a friend.
"Nice nothing! He had to," explained the woman. "I caught him in bed with the maid."
"Oh, how dreadful!" replied the friend, sympathetically. "Well, did you fire her?"
"Certainly not! I still need all new matching outfits to go with the car!"
*****
She sat up quickly in bed as she heard the key in the lock.
"Quick!" she said to her lover, "It's my husband! You've got to get out of here quick!"
"Where's the back door?" the lover asked.
"There isn't one," she replied.
"Where would you like one?" he asked.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Oops! -- Leigh, 03:29:44 06/20/09 Sat
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says, "Hello."
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" to which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party, that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Margaret and Bert -- Latinlassie, 12:58:08 06/17/09 Wed
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Calgary .
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on
sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked
back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Overheard in a Bar -- Margit, 00:24:32 06/15/09 Mon
"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a
bit loose."
"Oh no you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."
"Oh no you're not."
"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.
"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Cup of Tea -- Lady Elizabeth, 17:34:57 06/09/09 Tue
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 21/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Dadday a little cup of "tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of Tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure Enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she Watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know...):
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- A Woman's Prayer -- Miss MIchele, 07:39:59 05/31/09 Sun
A Woman’s Poem
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen,
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
A Man’s Poem
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Birth Control Pills -- Margit, 05:59:39 05/17/09 Sun
An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you're 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?"
The woman replied, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor considered this for a second, and continued... "How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice, and I sleep better at night."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Pirate Joke -- Julie in Georgia, 14:47:45 05/16/09 Sat
A Pirate walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "Why sir, do you have a ship's wheel hooked to your belt?" The pirate replies, " Arrrrr! It drives me nuts!"
Spend a moment with Claire and Jamie.
Cut and paste:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6Jzg-dDsHw&feature=related
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- FBI is hiring -- Scarlet A, 15:48:02 05/15/09 Fri
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her."
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
"This gun was loaded with blanks" she said.
"I had to beat him to death with the chair."
>
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- A friend of mine told me this and I'm still laughing 2 days later...... -- Whiskey Eyes, 14:26:46 05/08/09 Fri
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
Wait for it.........................
The taste!!!!!!
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- The Dentist -- Lady Elizabeth, 20:06:36 05/05/09 Tue
A man was at the dentist, sitting in the chair. The doctor bent over him with a needle and the man yelled, "No needles! I'm afraid of needles!" So the dentist turned around and pulled out the gas mask. "No no gas either. Gas makes me sick," his patient said. "Can you take a pill?" the dentist asked. "Sure," so he was given a pill. "What was that?" he asked. "Viagara," the dentist replied. "Viagara, what did you give me that for?" said the patient. "Well,"replied the dentist, " I wanted you to have something to hang on to, when I pulled your tooth."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- 40th birthday -- Margit, 23:28:42 05/04/09 Mon
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Things to think about -- Margit, 06:50:04 04/26/09 Sun
Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver' licences of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?
16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
17. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
18. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? (Try spelling Evian backwards.)
19. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
20. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?
21. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Arghhhh....Kids!!!!! -- Kry, 19:10:54 04/22/09 Wed
What my son has taught me latley.
If there is a toilet flush and a laugh, call the plumber.
If there is no noise, look for trouble.
If there is a lot of noise, get the cleaning stuff out...
All of it will be needed.
If the computer starts giving off smoke and sparks, look for empty jam and honey jars. (I still cant work out how he got it in there!)
If any of these things happen then you are in for an expensive day.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Best Irish Joke -- Wilhelmiina, 03:38:54 04/17/09 Fri
This has been up here before, but I really find it funny :)
**
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of Connor Pass.
At Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.' He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
Moments later Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. 'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
Last edited by author: Fri April 17, 2009 03:40:09
Edited 1 time.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- The mad cow joke below reminded me of another -- Scarlet A, 10:38:18 04/16/09 Thu
Q: Why is PMS called "PMS"?
A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Kids say the darndest thing -- Lady Elizabeth, 07:47:23 04/14/09 Tue
Driving along on a sunny day with her young granddaughter by her side, my sister was on top of the world. "Grandma," said the girl, "is Grandpa a lot older than you?" "A few years, yes," she said. Then fishing for a compliment, she inquired, "Why do you ask?" "Well, his mustache is a lot bigger than yours."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Creation Explained -- KYP, 09:12:35 04/13/09 Mon
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."
And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good."
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then he said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
The end.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Bowling Bus -- Mari L., 12:45:06 04/10/09 Fri
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rode on the top level. The brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the blondes upstairs. She decided to go investigate. When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looked at her, swallowed hard, and whispered, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Mad Cow Disease -- Lady Elizabeth, 07:50:11 04/09/09 Thu
A female reporter went out to the farm to get the story on mad cow disease from an actual farm's point of view.
When asked the farmer replied, "Well, you know a bull mounts a cow only once a year.'
The reporter blused and admitted she didn't know that.
"Yup," says the farmer, "and a cow is miled twice a day."
"Yes," says the reporter, "but what has that got to do with mad cow?"
"Well, if I played with your tits twice a day, and only screwed you once a year, you'd be mad too."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Marriage Counseling -- MacPudel, 12:10:55 04/06/09 Mon
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?
The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Garbage Bags -- Scarlet A, 15:15:28 03/31/09 Tue
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.
"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- New Blonde Joke -- Ruthlass, 12:22:09 03/31/09 Tue
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'
The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'
He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . .. .
'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Nurses never laugh -- SueKy, 04:59:21 03/27/09 Fri
"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing.
A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
Things went downhill from there.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Busy Bees Make For Thin Honey -- Larnsturt, 22:08:02 03/26/09 Thu
Yeah, I'm not really sure what I meant by that title.
Right to it.
1. Spring Cleaning. Let's dust off some dirty characters and see how they react to clean. Your characters are scrubbing windows or perhaps vacuuming. They are repainting their house or their shields or even their toenails. It's time to air out those must horse blankets and let those pasty white legs see the sunshine!
2. Poetry Is Words In Motion. Let's share a poem or two, rhyming or not, we don't care. Let's step away from prose a let our minds wax poetic!
Only one quote this week, but one I feel is momentous.
WORDS OF MONUMENT AND GRAVITAS:
"I must learn to love the fool in me--the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- A woman came home to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his philandering member in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to......to....cut it off are you?!" "Nope." Said his wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "YOU ARE! I'm going to set the garage on fire." -- LMAO!!!!~ DeAnnZ, 20:32:12 03/25/09 Wed
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- :-) Have you heard about the Viagra Eye-drops? -- Margy, 14:52:39 03/20/09 Fri
You don't get an erection, but you look hard.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- The mechanic -- Tooki, 21:44:47 03/16/09 Mon
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Yet another.... -- annieo, 14:35:09 03/14/09 Sat
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To Patrick's amazement, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- :) -- ali cat, 08:47:27 03/14/09 Sat
i just left my job at the helium balloon factory
.
.
.
.
.
.
there's no way i'm going to be spoken to like that!
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- More Saint Paddy's -- Lady Elizabeth, 08:39:44 03/11/09 Wed
Mary Clancey goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh Father, I have terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did Father."
The priest asks, " What did he say, Mary?"
"He said, - Please Mary, put down that damn gun."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Happy Saint Paddy's Day -- Lady Elizabeth, 14:09:53 03/08/09 Sun
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he had just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asked Sean the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," replied Paddy."That little shit O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did,"says Paddy, "He had a shovel, and a terrible lickin he gave me with it." "Well, " says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did,"says Paddy, " Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Spagetti -- Margit, 07:52:08 03/08/09 Sun
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day,about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, she said, you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife did and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without - Send extra sauce .
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns -- Lady Elizabeth, 13:04:29 03/01/09 Sun
Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variet of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delievery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.
Walter
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Phone H ome -- Lady Elizabeth, 20:02:05 02/26/09 Thu
I was trying to reach my elderly mother on the telephone and there was no answer. I became rather anxious because I knew she had to be home so I drove over there. She was home, watching a movie. When I questioned whether she heard the phone or not she replied, "Well yes dear, I heard the phone, but I thought it was part of the movie." What are you watching Mom? Spartacus she said.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Hanging -- SueKy, 17:48:21 02/20/09 Fri
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?','Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub,pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright,had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she
decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN,DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Drinking -- Scarlet A, 12:25:51 02/20/09 Fri
Lost At Sea
Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of fine beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"
You've been drinking again
An man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom...
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called. You left your wheelchair there again."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Marriage Stories -- Margit, 02:00:23 02/16/09 Mon
What are the three rings of marriage?
- The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
* * *
A beautiful princess comes upon a frog in a meadow near her castle.
The frog hops into the princess' lap and says, "My lady, one kiss from you, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I once was, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever be happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dines on lightly sauteed frog legs, she chuckles to herself, "I don't fuckin' think so."
* * *
Three women sit in a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!"
"I know!" the next woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house, but when I called he wasn't there."
The third woman says, "I always know where my husband is."
"Impossible!" both women exclaim, "He has you completely fooled!"
"Oh no," says the woman. "I'm a widow."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- The Waiting room -- DawnaL, 06:24:43 02/15/09 Sun
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- My Living Will -- Scarlet A, 12:58:38 02/09/09 Mon
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
What a bitch.....
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- When a blond daughter was preparing for a date, her blond mama was telling her that "if you are not in bed by 11 p.m. come home." -- Wilhelmiina, 00:07:11 02/09/09 Mon
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Confession -- Margit, 11:30:18 02/08/09 Sun
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody!'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Thought for the day -- Scarlet A, 15:06:36 02/05/09 Thu
If men had their peiords, they would just brag about the size of their tampons.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- The Night Out -- Tooki, 20:45:49 01/31/09 Sat
I know it's been around for a while, but it's still funny!
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girls' nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing,' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Revenge? -- Tooki, 20:41:47 01/31/09 Sat
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you".
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, with some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.”
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- The Blonde In winter -- Tooki, 20:37:59 01/31/09 Sat
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter here in America, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Getting Even -- Tooki, 20:34:21 01/31/09 Sat
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- heheheheheh -- ali cat, 01:07:01 01/22/09 Thu
Why we should not flirt!!!!!!!!!!
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress
Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her
husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband,
protested, but she argued and said she was going to take
some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.. The wife, after sleeping
soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early,
decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was,
she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how
he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his
costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice
'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her
husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in
her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had
passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at
midnight , she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and
was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're
not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'
He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I
got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into
the spare room and played poker all evening.'
'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing
poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the
husband replied,
'Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad
.... apparently he had the time of his life.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- The Honeymooners -- Lisa L, 10:11:26 01/19/09 Mon
A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed. The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,
Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- A Great Fishing Story -- Traci_Mc, 12:21:02 01/13/09 Tue
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- A Thought to Ponder . . . -- Traci_Mc, 11:53:30 01/10/09 Sat
If moonlight is actually reflected sunlight, why isn't moonlight deadly to vampires? (courtesy of "Non Sequitur" by Wiley)
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Honest Letters -- Lady Elizabeth, 12:42:16 01/04/09 Sun
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
"To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset. I shall be home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into
54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- The Redhead -- Lady Elizabeth, 12:33:03 12/19/08 Fri
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she p ops her eye back in place.
"I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies. . . . . .
"You just happened to catch my eye."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Cinderella Update -- Merrymags, 09:53:57 12/14/08 Sun
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?'
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Cinderella! -- Miss Michele Mrch, 16:04:12 01/29/09 Thu
- A WOMAN WANTS A BOOB JOB & CONSULTS WITH A PLASTIC SURGEON. -- ladyphantom, 13:00:36 12/11/08 Thu
PS: It's a very simple procedure. I make an incision around the nipple and insert the implants under the muscle. There is some pain and some downtime, but they will look very natural. It is $10,000.
WOMAN: I can't afford that.
PS: Well, I can do one where the incision will be under the breast and the implant on top of the muscle. It is $5,000.
WOMAN: I can't afford that...I only have $2000.
PS: OK. I can do the same procedure, but these implants are experimental and start to deflate every 12 hours. As such, you have to flap your arms up & down like a chicken to re -inflate them.
WOMAN: I can deal with that. Let's do it.
SO SHE HAS THE PROCEDURE AND ON HER FIRST NIGHT OUT MEETS A REAL CUTIE AND TAKES HIM HOME. AS THEY ARE GETTING INTO THE 'DOWN & DIRTY' HER BOOBS BEGIN TO DEFLATE. SHE FRANTICALLY STARTS TO FLAP HER ARMS UP AND DOWN
WOMAN: I am so embarrassed, I can't believe this is happening.
THE MAN SMILES COYLY AS HE BEGINS TO QUICKLY OPEN AND CLOSE HIS LEGS ...
MAN: That's ok. I see we have the same doctor.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- It is Christmas Eve in the Middle Ages and the great cathedral at Chartres is without a bell ringer. A man in rags shows up at the church and pleads with the priest to give him the job. -- Lemora, 22:19:08 12/03/08 Wed
The priest protests, "But that's impossible, you haven't any arms!" The man pleads to please give him a chance, he really needs this job, he has hungry mouths to feed. So, the priest lets him ring in the new day at midnight. The man goes up to the bell tower, takes a running leap and slams into the bell with his body. A beautiful peal rings out over the still, snow-covered, moonlit village below. And another, and another, until finally with the twelfth try, the man outdoes himself and hits the bell with such force that it knocks him down the stairs of the tower. Down and down he tumbles, until he crumples in a heap on the stone floor at the entrance to the church. Then, the door slowly opens and a stranger enters, cloaked in white and shimmering with light. He kneels down and gently gradles the injured bell ringer in his arms, bending low over him. "Tell me, stranger," says the priest, "Do you know this man?" "Well", replies the stranger, "The face rings a bell."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- *groan* Good one! (NT) -- Lady Stormwing, 14:30:30 12/04/08 Thu
- When I was told this one, it had a 2nd part: The next day another man showed up at the church. He was the twin of the bellringer from the day before, but instead of missing his arms, he was blind. He asked for the job of bellringer, and the priest gave him the job. At the top of the bell tower, the blind man stood back and took a running leap for the bell cord. He missed, sailed over the edge and fell to his death. When asked if he knew the man's name, the priest answered>>>>, -- TanyaB, 09:48:16 12/05/08 Fri
- Great quote for the day -- Whiskey Eyes, 07:32:42 12/02/08 Tue
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- A True Story or It Happened to Me. -- Lady Elizabeth, 19:36:48 11/18/08 Tue
One hot July day, when I was much younger, and not much thinner, my freezer died. We had lots of meat in it which had become dead stinking meat. I bagged such into a large plastic garbage bag and left it in the big freezer until garbage pickup morning. Very early this garbage morning I was poised on my front porch clutching said bag of dead meat to my chest. It being another scorcher of a day I was indecently clothed in a one piece sleeveless outfit with very short shorts. Not wanting any of my departing working neighbors to see me, I waited until there were absolutely no cars coming either way on the highway and made my dash to the curb with said bag and..........promptly knocked myself out cold on a tree branch that I was suppose to duck under. I woke up I don't know how long after with the bag of dead meat on my chest and my legs in the air. I then slunk back into the house never to show my face on garbage morning again.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- The First Christmas Joke -- TanyaB, 18:53:36 11/18/08 Tue
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by
Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,
'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and
pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a
candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled
out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through
his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's
panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- I wanna be a bear -- Lady Elizabeth, 05:50:37 11/16/08 Sun
In my next life, I wanna be a bear. Just think about it. They spend 5 months a year hibernating, sleeping. I can live with that. I'm always tired. Right before they hibernate they eat so much and get real fat. I can handle that too. If you are a mama bear you have your cubs while you are hibernating and wake up with babies and never remember the birth. I really like that. Then if someone comes too near your cubs you can swat them and if your cubs act up you can swat them too. Alright. Also your mate expects you to be grumbly and fat and have hairy legs and likes you anyways. Yup. I wanna be a bear.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- 24 Hours -- DawnaL, 17:22:46 11/10/08 Mon
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife Sadie that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Sadie, my dearest, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- funny one my scottish dh told me........(will try my best here, bad at remembering jokes!) -- oorjanie, 09:36:06 11/10/08 Mon
father is on phone to his daughter.
'now dear your mother and i are going to separate.'
daughter says, no no dad, don't do that, give me a few days to get back home and we can talk about it then.
he phones his son, says same thing.
son says 'now dad, dont' go doing anything drastic here, give me 1 day and i'll come home.''
father, gets off the phone and says to his wife -- ok it's all sorted, the kids are coming home for christmas and they're paying their own way!
hehe
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Who Runs the Human Body? -- Margit, 11:36:52 11/09/08 Sun
In the human body, which organ is in charge?
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Transylvania Vacation groaner -- DawnaL, 12:02:29 11/08/08 Sat
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??" "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more. The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Have you heard how badly the Pet food companies are struggling with the Credit Crunch? -- Margy, 13:57:05 11/07/08 Fri
- They've had to send in the Retrievers.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Monkeys -- Melva T, 10:59:37 10/30/08 Thu
Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10, and as supply started to diminish they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort.
The man then announced that he would pay $20 for each one. This renewed the efforts of the villagers, and they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey catching. The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one.
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50 However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.
While the man was away the assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at $35 each, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again and once again there were monkeys everywhere.
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Love Story -- Margit, 11:25:30 10/19/08 Sun
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day...
While they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news." The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him... I am so sorry,... but he's dead."
Edna replied: "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Consultation With Wife -- Margit, 11:19:29 10/19/08 Sun
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- The Mailman -- Margit, 11:16:08 10/19/08 Sun
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The Mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies,"Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning." We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Holiday cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."
The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Bob continues between hung over gasps,"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The Mailman laughs and says," Damn, I am sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "your name was guessed at least four or five times."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Chuck and a Donkey -- Helka, 11:08:59 10/17/08 Fri
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Just watch me... I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for the government.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Golf and Genie -- Margit, 05:57:17 10/12/08 Sun
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course,the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary... ! Actually I want to thank you.'
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'
'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. 'I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- The scene...a primary school in Scotland.... -- Wee Welsh Lass, 17:10:30 10/10/08 Fri
Teacher. "Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a history quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."
Wee Murray thinks, "YA BEAUTY ! I'm pure dead brilliant at history so i am. This is gonny be a doddle !
Teacher. "Right class, who can tell me who said, "Don't ask what our country can do for you, but ask what can you do for your country ?"
Wee Murray shoots up his hand, waving it furiously in the air.
Teacher looking round picks Farquar-Faunteroy at the front. "Yes Farquar ?"
Farquar (In a very English accent) "Yes miss, the answer is J. F. Kennedy - Inauguration speech 1960."
Teacher, "Very good Farquar, you may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you on Tuesday."
The next Thursday comes around, and wee Murray is even more determined.
Teacher, "Who said We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender ?"
Wee Murray's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me miss, me miss !"
Teacher looks round and picks Tarquin-Smythe sitting at the front. "Yes Tarquin"
Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent) "Yes miss. The answer is Winston Churchill 1941 Battle of Britain speech."
Teacher. "Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back on Tuesday."
The following Thursday comes round and wee Murray is hyper, he's been studying his encyclopedia all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation.
Teacher, "Who said One small step for man, one giant step for mankind ?"
Wee Murray's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming. "Me miss, me miss, I know. I know ! Me miss, me miss, meeeee !
Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front. "Yes Rupert"
Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent) "Yes miss. That was Neil Armstrong 1969 The first moon landing."
Teacher. "Very good Rupert, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back on Tuesday."
Wee Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming. "Where the f**k did all these English b*stards come from ?"
Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts, "Who said that ?"
Wee Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746, see ye on Tuesday miss."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Bad Asses -- kgp, 13:43:52 10/10/08 Fri
see more funny political pictures
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Timely Stock Market Advice.... -- Cathryn_L, 07:24:29 10/08/08 Wed
I received this in an email a couple days ago, & in light of the recent Wall Street meltdown, thought it was timely.
Note from a Broker:
Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks, but felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON.
Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:
American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company.
Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today,
and millions were wiped clean.
It's a tough market out there. Be careful!
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Polar Bear -- Margit, 05:05:00 10/07/08 Tue
A baby polar bear goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, am I a polar bear?"
His mother says, "Of course you're a polar bear. I'm a polar bear and your father's a polar bear."
The cub says, "But am I one-hundred per cent pure polar bear?" She says, "Go ask your old man."
The baby polar bear goes up to his father and says, "Pop, am I a polar bear? I mean, one-hundred percent pure polar bear?"
His father says, "Of course you're a polar bear. I'm a polar bear, your mother's a polar bear, both my parents were polar bears, both of your mother's parents were polar bears, all of our grandparents, both sides, were polar bears... Yes, you're one-hundred percent pure polar bear. Why do you ask?"
The cub says, "Because I'm freezing."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Quickie In the Bushes -- Lady Elizabeth, 06:02:05 10/01/08 Wed
There are two statues in a park, on of a nude mand and one of a nude woman.They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and with a sing gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for 30 minutes to do what you've wished to do the most. He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the bushes.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen left, would you care to do it again?"
He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! Butlet's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.
AND WHAT WHERE YOU THINKING?
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- In the dark -- Lady Stormwing, 20:51:50 09/29/08 Mon
Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down. And saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . You explain the kids."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Family Dinner -- JackieR, 17:35:46 09/22/08 Mon
A man killed a deer and took it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decided that they won't tell the
kids what kind of meat it was, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their
plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother
'Don't eat it, it's an asshole.'
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- A Good Husband -- AmandaW, 19:18:07 09/17/08 Wed
.
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son... what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Hiding in the Closet -- Margit, 11:03:00 09/14/08 Sun
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- Short stories -- Margit, 07:16:31 09/14/08 Sun
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
3. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
4. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
5. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
6. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
7. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
8. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
9. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
10. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
11. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
12. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
13. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
14. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
- What a beautiful language! -- Margit, 07:06:14 09/14/08 Sun
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by v. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Funeral Procession - an Oldie but Goldie.. -- Margit, 00:52:23 09/08/08 Mon
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Lipstick Jungle -- Merrymags, 11:57:18 08/16/08 Sat
According to a news report, a certain private school, in Washington D.C., was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee,
dipped it in the toilet,
and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- I Like Monkeys -- Lady Stormwing, 14:25:02 08/10/08 Sun
I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I have them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- I REALLY TRULY do not want to start any kind of political fracas, but my Da sent this to me and it made me laugh: -- Susannah, 16:04:19 08/03/08 Sun
Thoughts from across the pond:
An email from Ireland to their brethren in the States...a point to ponder despite your political affiliation:
We, in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.
On one side, you have a pants wearing lawyer, married to a lawyer who cannot keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer who goes to the wrong church who is married to yet another lawyer who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run.
Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate Mc terminology married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship.
What in Sam Hill's name are you lads thinking over there in the colonies??
H. Lee Nelson, Ireland
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Four Friends... -- Sorcha, 09:28:45 08/02/08 Sat
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men excused himself to the restroom. Those who remained talked about their kids
The first one said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder. Now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second man says, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. he's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday!"
The third man said, "Wow, that's fantastic! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday... a 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other on their successful sons just as the fourth returned. He asked what all the congratulations were about.
One of the three said, "We were talking aobut the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... what about your son?"
The fourth man replied, "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a gay nightcub."
The three friends make tsk noises and are embarassed for him. "What a shame, what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied, "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. He hasn't done too bad, either. His birthday was a couple of weeks ago and he received a beautiful new mansion, a private jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Terrific video -- kgp, 11:36:50 06/26/08 Thu
I posted this on the Social Board yesterday but it deserves wider distribution. We're all not so different when it comes right down to it. Hope you like it as much as I did.
Clicket!
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Prolly old but still funny for pet owners -- CarolE, 20:52:10 03/06/08 Thu
To all Pet Owners
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for
it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than yo u can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball
when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or
get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must
exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the
bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's
butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our
Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don' t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'nature.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because
they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a 'gazillion ' dollars for college.
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- Be Careful What You Wish For -- Kyrie, 20:46:00 02/01/08 Fri
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and a Texan are all working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land." POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."
The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."
[ Post a Reply to this Message ][Edit]
Replies:
- now i know why i love texans.. (NT) -- Lady Elizabeth, 06:19:59 02/02/08 Sat
- I'm sorry, but I don't think this is funny. I think in today's political context, this "joke" fuels prejudice in associating Muslims with terrorists. Maybe there's a cultural reference I don't "get", if that's the case would someone please explain? Sorry, I don't mean to offend anyone, but I am rather disturbed by this. (NT) -- Pat, 10:30:33 02/02/08 Sat
- Pat, thanks for having the courage to post your feelings over this. I, too, was disturbed when I read it but didn't know how to eloquently voice it. You're not alone in thinking that this type of joke serves to fuel further prejudice. (NT) -- Keira, 11:45:22 02/02/08 Sat
- Oh please. Let's not get so politically correct that we can't even tell a joke around here. I've seen plenty of stuff on here that is probably offensive to some group or other. Just try to keep a sense of humor. (NT) -- Mari L., 12:21:33 02/02/08 Sat
- Mari, there's no problem with telling jokes and most jokes are okay. I think if anyone feels uncomfortable then they also have the right to express those feelings. Respect for everyone is as important here as on all the other boards. As with other jokes that may be off colour or offensive to a particular race (please remeber this board is visited by more than just Americans), then perhaps the joke should be posted inside with a note that it is politically inclined. (NT) -- Keira, 12:58:25 02/02/08 Sat
- Most of the jokes here are "off colour" - that's what makes them funny! By the way, Americans come in all colors, races, and creeds. Your blond joke below might be offensive to those of us who are blond, but I don't want you to put it inside with a warning "blond joke inside". Same way with jokes about old people, etc. That's what I mean about not being too politically correct that we can't laugh. (NT) -- Mari L., 13:34:04 02/02/08 Sat
- Thank you, Keira. Mari, I understand how you feel, too. This joke crossed MY line - maybe you have a line of your own that you don't like to be crossed. Maybe you don't. Sorry if my comment seemed inappropriate to you. (NT) -- Pat, 21:22:34 02/02/08 Sat
- This joke sat wrong with me, also. I'm glad to know I was not the only one. (NT) -- Brookita, 01:29:01 02/11/08 Mon
- okay so none of you has EVER told a -- lady wright, 12:33:17 05/04/08 Sun
- HI -- delayk, 15:31:08 05/01/09 Fri
