- Golf and Genie -- Margit, 05:57:17 10/12/08 Sun
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course,the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary... ! Actually I want to thank you.'
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'
'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. 'I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
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- The scene...a primary school in Scotland.... -- Wee Welsh Lass, 17:10:30 10/10/08 Fri
Teacher. "Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a history quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."
Wee Murray thinks, "YA BEAUTY ! I'm pure dead brilliant at history so i am. This is gonny be a doddle !
Teacher. "Right class, who can tell me who said, "Don't ask what our country can do for you, but ask what can you do for your country ?"
Wee Murray shoots up his hand, waving it furiously in the air.
Teacher looking round picks Farquar-Faunteroy at the front. "Yes Farquar ?"
Farquar (In a very English accent) "Yes miss, the answer is J. F. Kennedy - Inauguration speech 1960."
Teacher, "Very good Farquar, you may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you on Tuesday."
The next Thursday comes around, and wee Murray is even more determined.
Teacher, "Who said We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender ?"
Wee Murray's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me miss, me miss !"
Teacher looks round and picks Tarquin-Smythe sitting at the front. "Yes Tarquin"
Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent) "Yes miss. The answer is Winston Churchill 1941 Battle of Britain speech."
Teacher. "Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back on Tuesday."
The following Thursday comes round and wee Murray is hyper, he's been studying his encyclopedia all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation.
Teacher, "Who said One small step for man, one giant step for mankind ?"
Wee Murray's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming. "Me miss, me miss, I know. I know ! Me miss, me miss, meeeee !
Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front. "Yes Rupert"
Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent) "Yes miss. That was Neil Armstrong 1969 The first moon landing."
Teacher. "Very good Rupert, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back on Tuesday."
Wee Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming. "Where the f**k did all these English b*stards come from ?"
Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts, "Who said that ?"
Wee Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746, see ye on Tuesday miss."
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- Bad Asses -- kgp, 13:43:52 10/10/08 Fri
see more funny political pictures
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- Post Turtle -- madelyn, 07:59:03 10/09/08 Thu
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle.'
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.'
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumba$$ put her up there to begin with.
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- Timely Stock Market Advice.... --
Cathryn_L, 07:24:29 10/08/08 Wed
I received this in an email a couple days ago, & in light of the recent Wall Street meltdown, thought it was timely.
Note from a Broker:
Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks, but felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON.
Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:
American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company.
Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today,
and millions were wiped clean.
It's a tough market out there. Be careful!
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- Polar Bear -- Margit, 05:05:00 10/07/08 Tue
A baby polar bear goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, am I a polar bear?"
His mother says, "Of course you're a polar bear. I'm a polar bear and your father's a polar bear."
The cub says, "But am I one-hundred per cent pure polar bear?" She says, "Go ask your old man."
The baby polar bear goes up to his father and says, "Pop, am I a polar bear? I mean, one-hundred percent pure polar bear?"
His father says, "Of course you're a polar bear. I'm a polar bear, your mother's a polar bear, both my parents were polar bears, both of your mother's parents were polar bears, all of our grandparents, both sides, were polar bears... Yes, you're one-hundred percent pure polar bear. Why do you ask?"
The cub says, "Because I'm freezing."
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- Quickie In the Bushes -- Lady Elizabeth, 06:02:05 10/01/08 Wed
There are two statues in a park, on of a nude mand and one of a nude woman.They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and with a sing gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for 30 minutes to do what you've wished to do the most. He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the bushes.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen left, would you care to do it again?"
He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! Butlet's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.
AND WHAT WHERE YOU THINKING?
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- In the dark -- Lady Stormwing, 20:51:50 09/29/08 Mon
Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down. And saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . You explain the kids."
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- Family Dinner -- JackieR, 17:35:46 09/22/08 Mon
A man killed a deer and took it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decided that they won't tell the
kids what kind of meat it was, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their
plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother
'Don't eat it, it's an asshole.'
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- A Good Husband -- AmandaW, 19:18:07 09/17/08 Wed
.
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son... what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS
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- Hiding in the Closet -- Margit, 11:03:00 09/14/08 Sun
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
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- Short stories -- Margit, 07:16:31 09/14/08 Sun
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
3. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
4. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
5. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
6. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
7. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
8. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
9. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
10. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
11. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
12. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
13. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
14. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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- Old Timer -- Margit, 07:13:54 09/14/08 Sun
A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya fuck one goat . . . "
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- 30 years of marriage (PGA) -- Margit, 07:09:43 09/14/08 Sun
The couple had been married for 30 years, and on their anniversary they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night.
Her husband was laying on the bed when she came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had 30 years before. She stood seductively before him and asked, "Tell me, darling, what were you thinking 30 years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?"
He replied, "I took one look at you and thought I'd like to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry."
"And what are you thinking now, baby?" she asked huskily.
He said, "I'm thinking I did a pretty good job."
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- What a beautiful language! -- Margit, 07:06:14 09/14/08 Sun
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by v. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru."
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- MY PRIVATE PART DIED -- Merrymags, 07:05:00 09/11/08 Thu
MY PRIVATE PART DIED
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy.
'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
(You've gotta love this .)
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
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- Q. John McCain and Sarah Palin are in a boat in the middle of a lake and the boat is sinking. Neither one can swim. Both pray to God to save them. Who gets saved? A. The country! -- Lemora, 11:30:23 09/09/08 Tue
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- Funeral Procession - an Oldie but Goldie.. -- Margit, 00:52:23 09/08/08 Mon
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
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- Mad cow -- Keitaya, 04:34:58 09/06/08 Sat
two cows are standing in a field and One cow looks at the other and says, ‘Have you heard about that new outbreak of mad cow disease?’ The other says ‘Yes’. The first says, ‘Well, aren’t you worried?’ The second says, ‘Why should I be? I’m a duck!’”
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- Here's something to think about -- Lady Elizabeth, 06:36:47 09/03/08 Wed
In 40 years most old ladies will have tattoos and rap music will be the oldies.
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- Any other 24 and Jack Bauer fans out there?! -- Chirre, 03:03:57 09/03/08 Wed
Nearly fell off my chair laughing reading these!! Inside the first reply... LOL
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- Just in case you missed it... JOE SOLO! -- Larnsturt, 18:23:48 08/31/08 Sun
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- True Back-to-School Story -- Lady Cate, 04:53:19 08/27/08 Wed
Last year my boss's nephew was in half-day preschool. This year on his first day of all-day kindergarten at 1:00 he got out of his seat, got his jacket and lunchbox, and headed for the door. His teacher asked where he was going, and he said that it was time for him to leave, just like last year. His teacher explained that kindergarten was all day and he could leave when it was done. He replied, "Who the hell signed me up for this?"
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- Women Over 40 -- LadyGrace, 10:01:53 08/25/08 Mon
Women over 40
> In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney
> thinks about women over 40:
>
>
> 60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)
>
> As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just
> a few reasons why:
>
> A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and
> ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
>
> If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit
> around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's
> usually more interesting.
>
> Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match
> with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course,
> if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they
> can get away with it.
>
> Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know
> what it's like to be unappreciated.
>
> Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins
> to a woman over 40.
>
> Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier
> than her younger counterpart.
>
> Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off
> if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder
> where you stand with her.
>
> Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart,
> well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants
> making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
>
> For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the
> milk for free?' here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against
> marriage.
> Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig
> just to get a little sausage!
>
> Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!
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- the hardy scots -- oorjanie, 12:26:03 08/22/08 Fri
this is funny.........
Low temperatures and the hardy Scots / soft Southerners
theory..............
50F degrees
People in southern England turn on the central heating
People in Edinburgh plant out bedding plants
40F degrees
Southerners shiver uncontrollably
Glaswegians sunbathe on the beach at Largs
35F degrees
Cars in the south of England refuse to start
People in Falkirk drive with their windows down
20F degrees
Southerners wear overcoats, gloves and woolly hats
Aberdonian men throw on a T-shirt & girls start wearing mini-skirts
15F degrees
Southerners begin to evacuate to the continent
People from Dundee swim in the North Sea at Broughty Ferry
Zero degrees
Life in the south grinds to a halt
Inverness folk have the last BBQ before it gets cold
Minus 10F degrees
Life in the south ceases to exist
People in Dunfermline throw on a light jacket
Minus 80F degrees
Polar bears wonder if it's worth carrying on
Boy Scouts in Oban start wearing their long trousers
Minus 100F degrees
Santa Claus abandons North Pole
People in Stirling put on their 'long johns'
Minus 173F degrees
Alcohol freezes
Glaswegians get upset because all the pubs are shut
Minus 297F degrees
Microbial life starts to disappear
The cows in Dumfriesshire complain about farmers with cold hands
Minus 460F degrees
All atomic motion stops
Shetlanders stamp their feet and blow on their hands
Minus 500F degrees
Hell freezes over
Scotland wins the World Cup
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- Little Bo Peep sat on Pinocchio's nose singing "Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies" ! -- isis777, 08:35:44 08/20/08 Wed
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- Lipstick Jungle -- Merrymags, 11:57:18 08/16/08 Sat
According to a news report, a certain private school, in Washington D.C., was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee,
dipped it in the toilet,
and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
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- Got this in email -- tlk2vws, 06:23:35 08/16/08 Sat
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that 'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty,and probably has germs' I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.' I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information. 'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad. ''Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.
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- Joke -- DOUG (Pathetic), 18:37:37 08/13/08 Wed
Q: If you throw a piano down a mine shaft what do you get?
A: A flat miner.
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- Dear Alcohol -- Lady Stormwing, 14:33:37 08/10/08 Sun
Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more beer for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
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- I Like Monkeys -- Lady Stormwing, 14:25:02 08/10/08 Sun
I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I have them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
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- Who wants to get married? -- Lady Elizabeth, 07:56:44 08/09/08 Sat
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one
engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for
drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her dring, the single girl leered and said, "last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather
bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!
The engaged woman giggled and said,That's pretty much my
story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me
waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot
of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over
at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.
When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'
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- Installing a Husband -- Lisa, 05:10:01 08/06/08 Wed
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
.......................................................................
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
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- a traditional celtic anecdote -- Garen Ruy, 22:42:41 08/05/08 Tue
The Story of Mac Da Tho's Pig
Once upon a time, there was a man named Mac Da Tho who had a wonderful dog. I have no idea what was so great about it, but it was quite famous in the area, and there were two men, Bran and Ciaran, who each wanted the dog for himself. Now, Bran and Ciaran each had their group of friendly supporters, and the two groups would often fight over who was better, Bran or Ciaran.
One day, Mac Da Tho decided he'd had enough, and invited Bran and Ciaran, along with their respective retinues, over for dinner to discuss who should get the dog. So he tells his wife to kill a pig and boil it, to serve for dinner.
The men arrive, and everyone's sitting around the table, waiting for the pig to be ready. By and by, an argument crops up about who should get the pig's thigh, which is the best part and traditionally goes to the best warrior in the group. (We'll ignore the fact that most pigs have two thighs. Maybe it was a three-legged pig?) Mac Da Tho, in an effort to hold off bloodshed, proposes an insult contest.
The two sides go to willingly, and start making truly unspeakable statements regarding personal habits and hygiene, parentage, relatives, wives, horses, absolutely everything that can be insulted about a man was said. By and by, it looks like Ciaran is winning, so Bran shouts to his friends to shut up and concede. Then he turns to Ciaran and says "You may have won this round, but if my brother Anluan were here, you'd be sorry."
Ciaran reaches into his saddlebag and pulls out Anluan's head, slams it down on the table, and says "So there." All hell breaks loose in short order, and when the dust clears a few hours later, Bran is dead, Ciaran is dead, Mac Da Tho is dead, the dog is dead, half of the two retinues are dead, and the pig has been dismembered and strewn around the room.
The moral of the story is that the Celts are crazy. This was illustrated when I attempted to regale relatives with it one Passover seder, and couldn't because I was laughing too hard to finish. Yes, I was drunk. My cousin hasn't spoken to me since.
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- I REALLY TRULY do not want to start any kind of political fracas, but my Da sent this to me and it made me laugh: -- Susannah, 16:04:19 08/03/08 Sun
Thoughts from across the pond:
An email from Ireland to their brethren in the States...a point to ponder despite your political affiliation:
We, in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.
On one side, you have a pants wearing lawyer, married to a lawyer who cannot keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer who goes to the wrong church who is married to yet another lawyer who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run.
Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate Mc terminology married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship.
What in Sam Hill's name are you lads thinking over there in the colonies??
H. Lee Nelson, Ireland
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- Lawyers -- Margit, 10:37:44 08/03/08 Sun
Why have scientists started using lawyers for experiments instead of rats?
- They don't become so attached to the lawyers.
* * *
You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?
- Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he's dead.
* * *
A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.
The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, "Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?"
"Phew, that one's easy," says the teacher, "The Titanic".
"Alright,"¯ said St.Peter, "you may pass."
Then the thief got his question: "How many died on the Titanic?"
The thief replied, "That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people."¯ And so he passed through.
Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: "Name them."
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- Four Friends... -- Sorcha, 09:28:45 08/02/08 Sat
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men excused himself to the restroom. Those who remained talked about their kids
The first one said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder. Now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second man says, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. he's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday!"
The third man said, "Wow, that's fantastic! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday... a 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other on their successful sons just as the fourth returned. He asked what all the congratulations were about.
One of the three said, "We were talking aobut the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... what about your son?"
The fourth man replied, "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a gay nightcub."
The three friends make tsk noises and are embarassed for him. "What a shame, what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied, "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. He hasn't done too bad, either. His birthday was a couple of weeks ago and he received a beautiful new mansion, a private jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.
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- A kilt is a kilt - but a sporran.......... -- Kelly K, 07:27:01 07/29/08 Tue
Did you hear about the young highland lad whose mother always told him. "Don't be ashamed of your kilt, Laddie! Be proud of it!! If you ever have to go to the big city, where your dress kilt and wear it with pride!"
Eventually, she died, and he had to go to London for the estate paperwork. He remembered what his auld mother always told him, and wore his dress kilt. He was on a bus in London when the driver looked back in his rear view mirror and shouted, "You there! You'll have to put the animal off! Animals aren't allowed on the bus!"
The Highlander said, "Who? Me? I have no animal."
The driver said, "The animal in your lap, son!"
The Highlander said, "That's no animal - that's me sporran!"
The lady sitting next to him fainted. She had been petting it for five minutes.
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- The Englishman, the Irishman, and the Scot -- Lady Joy, 15:56:43 07/12/08 Sat
An Englishman, and Irishman, and a Scot were in a bar tipping a pint, when three flies fell into their brews, one in each.
The Englishman hailed the barkeep, "Say old chap, have you a teaspoon?" with which he then deftly scooped the fly from his glass.
The Irishman said, "Shor 'an be gor! I'll never taste it!" and chugged down the pint, fly and all.
The Scot snapped up the fly by the wings, shook it and bellowed, "Spit it oot, ye wee beastie! That's my beer!"
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- Sign at the Dr's -- keitaya, 20:24:47 07/11/08 Fri
At the local Dr's a new sign went up... "Atention all clients... All unatended children will be used for medical research."
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- Beach Bimbo -- I hadn't seen this one before, & thought I'd pass it on! -- Cathryn_L, 13:40:16 07/10/08 Thu
A Couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the
beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at
the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor
was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing;
she would approach people who were sitting on the
beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she
would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod
and there would be a quick exchange of money and
something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and
debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know
for sure, they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have
you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with
boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't -- and said so.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and
our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can
find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife
was almost hopping up & down with anticipation when
she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.
The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at ! ;
the road.
"Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.
"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more
than he should have.
"Well, what is it then? What does she do ?" his wife
fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "She's a battery
salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes ..." he replied -
She sells C cells by the seashore!
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- Golf match -- SueKy, 07:53:31 07/09/08 Wed
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
'Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt,' the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up
beside him and whispers, 'Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?'
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, 'Sure,' and sinks the putt. Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again,'Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.'The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, 'Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?' Shrugging, the golfer replies,'Okay.' And he makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, 'Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?'
'Definitely,' the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
As the golfer is walking to the club house,the stranger walks alongside him and says,'I haven't really been fair with you because youdon't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life.'
'Nice to meet you,' the golfer replies,
'I'm Father O'Malley.
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- Menu in English -- Margit, 06:09:23 07/08/08 Tue
Some excample of "Finnglish" (Finnish + English) menu items. They are taken from real menus, but restaurant names withheld!
For those who speaks English as mother tongue, please try to find out, what there should have be written!
Shrimp and crap salad for two.
Grilled pork shop.
You can have crap on your pizza.
Tepid chicken salad with bread.
We give you water only when you ask.
Dead snails from Åland in garlic and butter sauce.
The cock is recommending today's beef.
We can serve your steak with much blood, some blood, or
well-done.
The house's tart is called Torttu in Finnish and is warm.
Ice cream with warm bear halves and toffee sauce.
Finnish mushroom salad - wild, salty and sticky
mushrooms with cream sauce and pickles.
Mexican burrito with mutilated chicken meat and salsa.
Try traditional Finnish pee soup.
We can bring the nuts and drinks to your room (room
service card). Drink something if you want (room service
card). On our breakfast table you will find the cheese, the
meat and some others.
Omelet is made with recent eggs from a local farm where
the chickens are alive.
This week is "bird meat week" but we also have a good
selection of mammal meat.
Japanese guests can have traditional breakfast with stinky
rice and fishes.
Blini served with cream and not real caviar.
Tar ice cream - Finnish special. Good for people who eat tar
and lingon berries.
Children's hamburger is served with the French Pizzas.
After clock 21 are not. Sorry.
Meat with sweat and sour sauce.
Chin piece of steak with potatoes in cream
Coat cheese and pepper in minced balls
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- A Horse, A Chicken and A Harley -- Whiskey Eyes, 10:40:22 07/03/08 Thu
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend 's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of
the pit
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)
'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks'
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- Don't lie to your mother...... -- AmandaW, 21:00:43 06/30/08 Mon
Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal;
his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate,
Joanne, was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and
this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate
than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.
About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you
don't suppose she took it do you?'
'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.
So he sat down and wrote. . ...
DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M
NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS
THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PETER
Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read. . .
DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING
THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE
WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING
PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM
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- cute dog story -- annieo, 15:50:23 06/28/08 Sat
an older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell
from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was
well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed
his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off
and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the
owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost
every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his
collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's
trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
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- Terrific video -- kgp, 11:36:50 06/26/08 Thu
I posted this on the Social Board yesterday but it deserves wider distribution. We're all not so different when it comes right down to it. Hope you like it as much as I did.
Clicket!
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- The Mailman -- Margit, 01:24:01 06/24/08 Tue
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The Mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies,"Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning." We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Holiday cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."
The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Bob continues between hung over gasps,"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The Mailman laughs and says," Damn, I am sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "your name was guessed at least four or five times."
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- Timer -- Margit, 01:21:48 06/24/08 Tue
She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the frayed T shirt that she normally slept in. As he walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought, 'I'm still dreaming,' then took her right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to stove, her tiny T shirt still around her neck.
A little later, he asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained: 'The egg timer's broken.'
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Replies:
- I owe my mother -- Lady Elizabeth, 21:30:03 06/22/08 Sun
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week.
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, ! that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."!
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't
exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me>"
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25.! And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
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- Health Advice for Women -- oorjanie, 09:47:41 06/20/08 Fri
IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.
White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine. White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! ~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE!!
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Replies:
- The Hikers -- devenhuis, 07:54:42 06/20/08 Fri
One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."
Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
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Replies:
- Beer Festival -- Mountain Girl, 08:42:35 06/18/08 Wed
After a Beer Festival in London , all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
Corona 's president sits down and says, "Seńor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona ." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
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- Putting the Cat Out -- Mairghread, 19:55:19 06/17/08 Tue
We were dressed and ready to go out for a party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...
THE END :)
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- Joke -- Judie, 22:20:02 06/10/08 Tue
.
.
This is cute. Plays best when downloaded into your computer and then click play.
http://www.lallybroch.com/comedy
Judie
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Replies:
- Headache -- Margit, 22:21:11 06/08/08 Sun
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
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- The Blonde in the Casino -- devenhuis, 07:31:59 06/06/08 Fri
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are stupid and not all Blondes are Dumb,
But all Men are Men.
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- The Pirate -- Cathy, 06:32:44 06/04/08 Wed
I don't think this one has been told here already...
A pirate walks into a bar and he has a steering wheel hanging from the crotch of his pants.
The bartender says, "Excuse me, do you know that you have a steering wheel hanging from your crotch?"
And the pirate says, "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"
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- Blank Panties -- annieo, 07:47:09 06/03/08 Tue
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the
world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom I have someone for you to meet.'
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating
for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude,
except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'
She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but
down there I am still mourning.'
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the
same..... she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday
suit..... but now he was wearing a black condom
She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'
He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences'.
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Replies:
- My favorite joke of all time. -- Cathy, 08:56:21 06/02/08 Mon
What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision??
*
*
*
*
With a divorce you get rid of the whole dick!
:D
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Replies:
- a canny father -- Kry, 21:54:28 05/31/08 Sat
One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to Inverness.
Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander stepped Into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair....... heart stopping.
The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.
"Right, you Jimmy" he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate",
"But......" stammers the driver.
"Du it now...or I'll bluddy kill yer!"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long.
"Right" snarls the highlander "Du it again!"
"But....." says the driver.
"Now!"
So the driver does it again.
"Right laddie, du it again" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.
"Du it again" says the highlander.
"I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside. "All right laddie," he says, "NOW you can give ma daughter a lift to Inverness".
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Replies:
- Not really a joke . . . -- Jessica, 23:28:24 05/29/08 Thu
But everyone I tell it to laughs!!
I'd put my two year old and four year old daughters to bed, and after a little bit could still hear them giggling in the bed room. When I opened the door, my two year old was busily biting off her toenails. Grossed out I told her not to do that that it was really yucky and that she could get sick.
My four year old, completely serious, told me "Mommy, don't worry, she does mine all the time and doesn't get sick."
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Replies:
- Double Date -- Florence, 19:46:38 05/25/08 Sun
Double date
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I ever had a 'Sportsman's Double?'
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
'Oh,' I said as my mind began to embrace the idea,
No I haven't.'
And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.
We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom, You still awake?'
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Replies:
- The Old Man and the Tomatoes -- LauraE, 10:15:19 05/22/08 Thu
An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad, Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
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- Ralph -- Dale, 22:59:01 05/21/08 Wed
.
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping
wife and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in
your sleep, Ralph..'
Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live
for. Send me back!
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back,
and that is as a chicken.'
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near
his home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers,
clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first
day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained t he rooster. 'Don 't tell me you've
never
laid an egg before?'
'Never, ' said Ralph.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big
deal.'
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He Soon
laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of
his
head, and heard his wife yell.....
Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!'
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Replies:
- Political Humor -- Lady Stormwing, 18:51:23 05/19/08 Mon
Hilary and Obama are in a boat. The boat starts to sink. Who gets saved?
Answer: The country
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- Joke -- Judie, 11:31:56 05/19/08 Mon
.
.
This 84 year old lady living in an old folks' home has the hots for this young guy who works there. So she goes up to him and clenches a fist, and shaking it in front of him says, "Young man, if you can guess what I have in my fist, we'll have sex tonight."
He wants nothing to do with her, so immediately says, "An elephant."
She thinks a moment and says, "Close enough!"
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- Ethel & Mable -- Ruthlass, 21:59:15 05/12/08 Mon
Ethel & Mable are sitting on a park bench.
Ethel says "I just read a book about sex. All it talked about was mutual orgasms. When your husband was alive, did you ever have mutual orgasms?"
Mable pondered a while and said "I think we had State Farm."
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Replies:
- the harley mechanic.... (clean joke! ) >>>>> -- Mac!, 11:18:30 05/10/08 Sat
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?' The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year (a pretty small salary) and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...'Try doing it with the engine running.'
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Replies:
- 4th Marriage -- Jae-the-Girl, 08:12:32 05/06/08 Tue
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married - for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. 'He's a funeral director,' she answered. 'Interesting,' the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'
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- Testing Eye Sight -- Margit, 08:13:50 04/27/08 Sun
A Polish guy went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters
"C Z W I X N O S T A C Z"
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
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- conversions -- devenhuis, 12:25:20 04/25/08 Fri
A priest, a pentecostal minister, and a rabbi would get together twice a week for coffee to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at Rabbi Goldberg, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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- Why condoms come in boxes of 3, 6, and 12 -- Robin, 23:15:05 04/18/08 Fri
A man walks into a drug store
