- Women... -- Margit, 00:23:40 06/22/09 Mon
The woman was happily showing off her BMW. "It was nice of your husband to buy you that new car," said a friend.
"Nice nothing! He had to," explained the woman. "I caught him in bed with the maid."
"Oh, how dreadful!" replied the friend, sympathetically. "Well, did you fire her?"
"Certainly not! I still need all new matching outfits to go with the car!"
*****
She sat up quickly in bed as she heard the key in the lock.
"Quick!" she said to her lover, "It's my husband! You've got to get out of here quick!"
"Where's the back door?" the lover asked.
"There isn't one," she replied.
"Where would you like one?" he asked.
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- Oops! --
Leigh, 03:29:44 06/20/09 Sat
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says, "Hello."
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" to which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party, that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
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- Margaret and Bert -- Latinlassie, 12:58:08 06/17/09 Wed
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Calgary .
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on
sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked
back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
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- Overheard in a Bar -- Margit, 00:24:32 06/15/09 Mon
"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a
bit loose."
"Oh no you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."
"Oh no you're not."
"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.
"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.
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- Cup of Tea -- Lady Elizabeth, 17:34:57 06/09/09 Tue
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 21/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Dadday a little cup of "tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of Tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure Enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she Watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know...):
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
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- A Woman's Prayer -- Miss MIchele, 07:39:59 05/31/09 Sun
A Womans Poem
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen,
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
A Mans Poem
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
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- Birth Control Pills -- Margit, 05:59:39 05/17/09 Sun
An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you're 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?"
The woman replied, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor considered this for a second, and continued... "How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice, and I sleep better at night."
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- Pirate Joke -- Julie in Georgia, 14:47:45 05/16/09 Sat
A Pirate walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "Why sir, do you have a ship's wheel hooked to your belt?" The pirate replies, " Arrrrr! It drives me nuts!"
Spend a moment with Claire and Jamie.
Cut and paste:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6Jzg-dDsHw&feature=related
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- FBI is hiring -- Scarlet A, 15:48:02 05/15/09 Fri
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her."
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
"This gun was loaded with blanks" she said.
"I had to beat him to death with the chair."
>
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- A friend of mine told me this and I'm still laughing 2 days later...... -- Whiskey Eyes, 14:26:46 05/08/09 Fri
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
Wait for it.........................
The taste!!!!!!
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- The Dentist -- Lady Elizabeth, 20:06:36 05/05/09 Tue
A man was at the dentist, sitting in the chair. The doctor bent over him with a needle and the man yelled, "No needles! I'm afraid of needles!" So the dentist turned around and pulled out the gas mask. "No no gas either. Gas makes me sick," his patient said. "Can you take a pill?" the dentist asked. "Sure," so he was given a pill. "What was that?" he asked. "Viagara," the dentist replied. "Viagara, what did you give me that for?" said the patient. "Well,"replied the dentist, " I wanted you to have something to hang on to, when I pulled your tooth."
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- 40th birthday -- Margit, 23:28:42 05/04/09 Mon
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
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- Things to think about -- Margit, 06:50:04 04/26/09 Sun
Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver' licences of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?
16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
17. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
18. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? (Try spelling Evian backwards.)
19. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
20. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?
21. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?
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- Arghhhh....Kids!!!!! -- Kry, 19:10:54 04/22/09 Wed
What my son has taught me latley.
If there is a toilet flush and a laugh, call the plumber.
If there is no noise, look for trouble.
If there is a lot of noise, get the cleaning stuff out...
All of it will be needed.
If the computer starts giving off smoke and sparks, look for empty jam and honey jars. (I still cant work out how he got it in there!)
If any of these things happen then you are in for an expensive day.
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- Best Irish Joke -- Wilhelmiina, 03:38:54 04/17/09 Fri
This has been up here before, but I really find it funny :)
**
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of Connor Pass.
At Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.' He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
Moments later Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. 'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
Last edited by author: Fri April 17, 2009 03:40:09
Edited 1 time.
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- The mad cow joke below reminded me of another -- Scarlet A, 10:38:18 04/16/09 Thu
Q: Why is PMS called "PMS"?
A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
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- Kids say the darndest thing -- Lady Elizabeth, 07:47:23 04/14/09 Tue
Driving along on a sunny day with her young granddaughter by her side, my sister was on top of the world. "Grandma," said the girl, "is Grandpa a lot older than you?" "A few years, yes," she said. Then fishing for a compliment, she inquired, "Why do you ask?" "Well, his mustache is a lot bigger than yours."
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- Creation Explained -- KYP, 09:12:35 04/13/09 Mon
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."
And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good."
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then he said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
The end.
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- Bowling Bus -- Mari L., 12:45:06 04/10/09 Fri
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rode on the top level. The brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the blondes upstairs. She decided to go investigate. When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looked at her, swallowed hard, and whispered, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
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- Mad Cow Disease -- Lady Elizabeth, 07:50:11 04/09/09 Thu
A female reporter went out to the farm to get the story on mad cow disease from an actual farm's point of view.
When asked the farmer replied, "Well, you know a bull mounts a cow only once a year.'
The reporter blused and admitted she didn't know that.
"Yup," says the farmer, "and a cow is miled twice a day."
"Yes," says the reporter, "but what has that got to do with mad cow?"
"Well, if I played with your tits twice a day, and only screwed you once a year, you'd be mad too."
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- Marriage Counseling -- MacPudel, 12:10:55 04/06/09 Mon
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?
The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'
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- Garbage Bags -- Scarlet A, 15:15:28 03/31/09 Tue
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.
"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".
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- New Blonde Joke -- Ruthlass, 12:22:09 03/31/09 Tue
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'
The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'
He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . .. .
'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'
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- Nurses never laugh -- SueKy, 04:59:21 03/27/09 Fri
"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing.
A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
Things went downhill from there.
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- Busy Bees Make For Thin Honey -- Larnsturt, 22:08:02 03/26/09 Thu
Yeah, I'm not really sure what I meant by that title.
Right to it.
1. Spring Cleaning. Let's dust off some dirty characters and see how they react to clean. Your characters are scrubbing windows or perhaps vacuuming. They are repainting their house or their shields or even their toenails. It's time to air out those must horse blankets and let those pasty white legs see the sunshine!
2. Poetry Is Words In Motion. Let's share a poem or two, rhyming or not, we don't care. Let's step away from prose a let our minds wax poetic!
Only one quote this week, but one I feel is momentous.
WORDS OF MONUMENT AND GRAVITAS:
"I must learn to love the fool in me--the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool."
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- A woman came home to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his philandering member in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to......to....cut it off are you?!" "Nope." Said his wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "YOU ARE! I'm going to set the garage on fire." -- LMAO!!!!~ DeAnnZ, 20:32:12 03/25/09 Wed
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- :-) Have you heard about the Viagra Eye-drops? -- Margy, 14:52:39 03/20/09 Fri
You don't get an erection, but you look hard.
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- The mechanic -- Tooki, 21:44:47 03/16/09 Mon
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
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- Yet another.... -- annieo, 14:35:09 03/14/09 Sat
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To Patrick's amazement, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"
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- :) -- ali cat, 08:47:27 03/14/09 Sat
i just left my job at the helium balloon factory
.
.
.
.
.
.
there's no way i'm going to be spoken to like that!
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- More Saint Paddy's -- Lady Elizabeth, 08:39:44 03/11/09 Wed
Mary Clancey goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh Father, I have terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did Father."
The priest asks, " What did he say, Mary?"
"He said, - Please Mary, put down that damn gun."
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- Happy Saint Paddy's Day -- Lady Elizabeth, 14:09:53 03/08/09 Sun
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he had just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asked Sean the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," replied Paddy."That little shit O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did,"says Paddy, "He had a shovel, and a terrible lickin he gave me with it." "Well, " says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did,"says Paddy, " Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
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- Spagetti -- Margit, 07:52:08 03/08/09 Sun
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day,about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, she said, you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife did and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without - Send extra sauce .
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- Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns -- Lady Elizabeth, 13:04:29 03/01/09 Sun
Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variet of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delievery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.
Walter
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- Phone H ome -- Lady Elizabeth, 20:02:05 02/26/09 Thu
I was trying to reach my elderly mother on the telephone and there was no answer. I became rather anxious because I knew she had to be home so I drove over there. She was home, watching a movie. When I questioned whether she heard the phone or not she replied, "Well yes dear, I heard the phone, but I thought it was part of the movie." What are you watching Mom? Spartacus she said.
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- Hanging -- SueKy, 17:48:21 02/20/09 Fri
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?','Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub,pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright,had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she
decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN,DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
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- Drinking -- Scarlet A, 12:25:51 02/20/09 Fri
Lost At Sea
Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of fine beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"
You've been drinking again
An man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom...
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called. You left your wheelchair there again."
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- Marriage Stories -- Margit, 02:00:23 02/16/09 Mon
What are the three rings of marriage?
- The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
* * *
A beautiful princess comes upon a frog in a meadow near her castle.
The frog hops into the princess' lap and says, "My lady, one kiss from you, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I once was, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever be happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dines on lightly sauteed frog legs, she chuckles to herself, "I don't fuckin' think so."
* * *
Three women sit in a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!"
"I know!" the next woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house, but when I called he wasn't there."
The third woman says, "I always know where my husband is."
"Impossible!" both women exclaim, "He has you completely fooled!"
"Oh no," says the woman. "I'm a widow."
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- The Waiting room -- DawnaL, 06:24:43 02/15/09 Sun
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!
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- My Living Will -- Scarlet A, 12:58:38 02/09/09 Mon
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
What a bitch.....
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- When a blond daughter was preparing for a date, her blond mama was telling her that "if you are not in bed by 11 p.m. come home." -- Wilhelmiina, 00:07:11 02/09/09 Mon
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- Confession -- Margit, 11:30:18 02/08/09 Sun
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody!'
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- Thought for the day -- Scarlet A, 15:06:36 02/05/09 Thu
If men had their peiords, they would just brag about the size of their tampons.
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- The Night Out -- Tooki, 20:45:49 01/31/09 Sat
I know it's been around for a while, but it's still funny!
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girls' nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing,' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!'
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- Revenge? -- Tooki, 20:41:47 01/31/09 Sat
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you".
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, with some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
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- The Blonde In winter -- Tooki, 20:37:59 01/31/09 Sat
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter here in America, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
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- Getting Even -- Tooki, 20:34:21 01/31/09 Sat
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
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- heheheheheh -- ali cat, 01:07:01 01/22/09 Thu
Why we should not flirt!!!!!!!!!!
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress
Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her
husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband,
protested, but she argued and said she was going to take
some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.. The wife, after sleeping
soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early,
decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was,
she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how
he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his
costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice
'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her
husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in
her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had
passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at
midnight , she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and
was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're
not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'
He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I
got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into
the spare room and played poker all evening.'
'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing
poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the
husband replied,
'Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad
.... apparently he had the time of his life.
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- The Honeymooners -- Lisa L, 10:11:26 01/19/09 Mon
A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed. The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,
Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'
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- A Great Fishing Story -- Traci_Mc, 12:21:02 01/13/09 Tue
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing.
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- A Thought to Ponder . . . -- Traci_Mc, 11:53:30 01/10/09 Sat
If moonlight is actually reflected sunlight, why isn't moonlight deadly to vampires? (courtesy of "Non Sequitur" by Wiley)
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- Honest Letters -- Lady Elizabeth, 12:42:16 01/04/09 Sun
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
"To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset. I shall be home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into
54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
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- The Redhead -- Lady Elizabeth, 12:33:03 12/19/08 Fri
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she p ops her eye back in place.
"I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies. . . . . .
"You just happened to catch my eye."
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- Cinderella Update -- Merrymags, 09:53:57 12/14/08 Sun
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?'
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off'
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- Cinderella! -- Miss Michele Mrch, 16:04:12 01/29/09 Thu
- A WOMAN WANTS A BOOB JOB & CONSULTS WITH A PLASTIC SURGEON. -- ladyphantom, 13:00:36 12/11/08 Thu
PS: It's a very simple procedure. I make an incision around the nipple and insert the implants under the muscle. There is some pain and some downtime, but they will look very natural. It is $10,000.
WOMAN: I can't afford that.
PS: Well, I can do one where the incision will be under the breast and the implant on top of the muscle. It is $5,000.
WOMAN: I can't afford that...I only have $2000.
PS: OK. I can do the same procedure, but these implants are experimental and start to deflate every 12 hours. As such, you have to flap your arms up & down like a chicken to re -inflate them.
WOMAN: I can deal with that. Let's do it.
SO SHE HAS THE PROCEDURE AND ON HER FIRST NIGHT OUT MEETS A REAL CUTIE AND TAKES HIM HOME. AS THEY ARE GETTING INTO THE 'DOWN & DIRTY' HER BOOBS BEGIN TO DEFLATE. SHE FRANTICALLY STARTS TO FLAP HER ARMS UP AND DOWN
WOMAN: I am so embarrassed, I can't believe this is happening.
THE MAN SMILES COYLY AS HE BEGINS TO QUICKLY OPEN AND CLOSE HIS LEGS ...
MAN: That's ok. I see we have the same doctor.
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- It is Christmas Eve in the Middle Ages and the great cathedral at Chartres is without a bell ringer. A man in rags shows up at the church and pleads with the priest to give him the job. -- Lemora, 22:19:08 12/03/08 Wed
The priest protests, "But that's impossible, you haven't any arms!" The man pleads to please give him a chance, he really needs this job, he has hungry mouths to feed. So, the priest lets him ring in the new day at midnight. The man goes up to the bell tower, takes a running leap and slams into the bell with his body. A beautiful peal rings out over the still, snow-covered, moonlit village below. And another, and another, until finally with the twelfth try, the man outdoes himself and hits the bell with such force that it knocks him down the stairs of the tower. Down and down he tumbles, until he crumples in a heap on the stone floor at the entrance to the church. Then, the door slowly opens and a stranger enters, cloaked in white and shimmering with light. He kneels down and gently gradles the injured bell ringer in his arms, bending low over him. "Tell me, stranger," says the priest, "Do you know this man?" "Well", replies the stranger, "The face rings a bell."
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Replies:
- *groan* Good one! (NT) -- Lady Stormwing, 14:30:30 12/04/08 Thu
- When I was told this one, it had a 2nd part: The next day another man showed up at the church. He was the twin of the bellringer from the day before, but instead of missing his arms, he was blind. He asked for the job of bellringer, and the priest gave him the job. At the top of the bell tower, the blind man stood back and took a running leap for the bell cord. He missed, sailed over the edge and fell to his death. When asked if he knew the man's name, the priest answered>>>>, -- TanyaB, 09:48:16 12/05/08 Fri
- Great quote for the day -- Whiskey Eyes, 07:32:42 12/02/08 Tue
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'
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- A True Story or It Happened to Me. -- Lady Elizabeth, 19:36:48 11/18/08 Tue
One hot July day, when I was much younger, and not much thinner, my freezer died. We had lots of meat in it which had become dead stinking meat. I bagged such into a large plastic garbage bag and left it in the big freezer until garbage pickup morning. Very early this garbage morning I was poised on my front porch clutching said bag of dead meat to my chest. It being another scorcher of a day I was indecently clothed in a one piece sleeveless outfit with very short shorts. Not wanting any of my departing working neighbors to see me, I waited until there were absolutely no cars coming either way on the highway and made my dash to the curb with said bag and..........promptly knocked myself out cold on a tree branch that I was suppose to duck under. I woke up I don't know how long after with the bag of dead meat on my chest and my legs in the air. I then slunk back into the house never to show my face on garbage morning again.
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- The First Christmas Joke -- TanyaB, 18:53:36 11/18/08 Tue
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by
Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,
'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and
pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a
candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled
out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through
his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's
panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
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- I wanna be a bear -- Lady Elizabeth, 05:50:37 11/16/08 Sun
In my next life, I wanna be a bear. Just think about it. They spend 5 months a year hibernating, sleeping. I can live with that. I'm always tired. Right before they hibernate they eat so much and get real fat. I can handle that too. If you are a mama bear you have your cubs while you are hibernating and wake up with babies and never remember the birth. I really like that. Then if someone comes too near your cubs you can swat them and if your cubs act up you can swat them too. Alright. Also your mate expects you to be grumbly and fat and have hairy legs and likes you anyways. Yup. I wanna be a bear.
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- 24 Hours -- DawnaL, 17:22:46 11/10/08 Mon
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife Sadie that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Sadie, my dearest, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
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- funny one my scottish dh told me........(will try my best here, bad at remembering jokes!) -- oorjanie, 09:36:06 11/10/08 Mon
father is on phone to his daughter.
'now dear your mother and i are going to separate.'
daughter says, no no dad, don't do that, give me a few days to get back home and we can talk about it then.
he phones his son, says same thing.
son says 'now dad, dont' go doing anything drastic here, give me 1 day and i'll come home.''
father, gets off the phone and says to his wife -- ok it's all sorted, the kids are coming home for christmas and they're paying their own way!
hehe
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- Who Runs the Human Body? -- Margit, 11:36:52 11/09/08 Sun
In the human body, which organ is in charge?
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.
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- Transylvania Vacation groaner -- DawnaL, 12:02:29 11/08/08 Sat
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??" "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more. The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!
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- Have you heard how badly the Pet food companies are struggling with the Credit Crunch? -- Margy, 13:57:05 11/07/08 Fri
- They've had to send in the Retrievers.
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- Monkeys -- Melva T, 10:59:37 10/30/08 Thu
Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10, and as supply started to diminish they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort.
The man then announced that he would pay $20 for each one. This renewed the efforts of the villagers, and they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey catching. The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one.
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50 However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.
While the man was away the assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at $35 each, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again and once again there were monkeys everywhere.
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
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- Love Story -- Margit, 11:25:30 10/19/08 Sun
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day...
While they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news." The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him... I am so sorry,... but he's dead."
Edna replied: "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
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- Consultation With Wife -- Margit, 11:19:29 10/19/08 Sun
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."
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- The Mailman -- Margit, 11:16:08 10/19/08 Sun
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The Mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies,"Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning." We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Holiday cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."
The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Bob continues between hung over gasps,"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The Mailman laughs and says," Damn, I am sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "your name was guessed at least four or five times."
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- Chuck and a Donkey -- Helka, 11:08:59 10/17/08 Fri
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Just watch me... I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for the government.
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- Golf and Genie -- Margit, 05:57:17 10/12/08 Sun
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course,the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary... ! Actually I want to thank you.'
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'
'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. 'I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
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- The scene...a primary school in Scotland.... -- Wee Welsh Lass, 17:10:30 10/10/08 Fri
Teacher. "Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a history quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."
Wee Murray thinks, "YA BEAUTY ! I'm pure dead brilliant at history so i am. This is gonny be a doddle !
Teacher. "Right class, who can tell me who said, "Don't ask what our country can do for you, but ask what can you do for your country ?"
Wee Murray shoots up his hand, waving it furiously in the air.
Teacher looking round picks Farquar-Faunteroy at the front. "Yes Farquar ?"
Farquar (In a very English accent) "Yes miss, the answer is J. F. Kennedy - Inauguration speech 1960."
Teacher, "Very good Farquar, you may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you on Tuesday."
The next Thursday comes around, and wee Murray is even more determined.
Teacher, "Who said We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender ?"
Wee Murray's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me miss, me miss !"
Teacher looks round and picks Tarquin-Smythe sitting at the front. "Yes Tarquin"
Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent) "Yes miss. The answer is Winston Churchill 1941 Battle of Britain speech."
Teacher. "Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back on Tuesday."
The following Thursday comes round and wee Murray is hyper, he's been studying his encyclopedia all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation.
Teacher, "Who said One small step for man, one giant step for mankind ?"
Wee Murray's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming. "Me miss, me miss, I know. I know ! Me miss, me miss, meeeee !
Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front. "Yes Rupert"
Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent) "Yes miss. That was Neil Armstrong 1969 The first moon landing."
Teacher. "Very good Rupert, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back on Tuesday."
Wee Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming. "Where the f**k did all these English b*stards come from ?"
Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts, "Who said that ?"
Wee Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746, see ye on Tuesday miss."
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- Bad Asses -- kgp, 13:43:52 10/10/08 Fri
see more funny political pictures
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- Timely Stock Market Advice.... -- Cathryn_L, 07:24:29 10/08/08 Wed
I received this in an email a couple days ago, & in light of the recent Wall Street meltdown, thought it was timely.
Note from a Broker:
Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks, but felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON.
Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:
American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company.
Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today,
and millions were wiped clean.
It's a tough market out there. Be careful!
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- Polar Bear -- Margit, 05:05:00 10/07/08 Tue
A baby polar bear goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, am I a polar bear?"
His mother says, "Of course you're a polar bear. I'm a polar bear and your father's a polar bear."
The cub says, "But am I one-hundred per cent pure polar bear?" She says, "Go ask your old man."
The baby polar bear goes up to his father and says, "Pop, am I a polar bear? I mean, one-hundred percent pure polar bear?"
His father says, "Of course you're a polar bear. I'm a polar bear, your mother's a polar bear, both my parents were polar bears, both of your mother's parents were polar bears, all of our grandparents, both sides, were polar bears... Yes, you're one-hundred percent pure polar bear. Why do you ask?"
The cub says, "Because I'm freezing."
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- Quickie In the Bushes -- Lady Elizabeth, 06:02:05 10/01/08 Wed
There are two statues in a park, on of a nude mand and one of a nude woman.They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and with a sing gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for 30 minutes to do what you've wished to do the most. He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the bushes.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen left, would you care to do it again?"
He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! Butlet's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.
AND WHAT WHERE YOU THINKING?
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- In the dark -- Lady Stormwing, 20:51:50 09/29/08 Mon
Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down. And saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . You explain the kids."
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- Family Dinner -- JackieR, 17:35:46 09/22/08 Mon
A man killed a deer and took it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decided that they won't tell the
kids what kind of meat it was, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their
plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother
'Don't eat it, it's an asshole.'
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- A Good Husband -- AmandaW, 19:18:07 09/17/08 Wed
.
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son... what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS
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- Hiding in the Closet -- Margit, 11:03:00 09/14/08 Sun
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
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- Short stories -- Margit, 07:16:31 09/14/08 Sun
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
3. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
4. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
5. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
6. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
7. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
8. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
9. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
10. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
11. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
12. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
13. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
14. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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- Old Timer -- Margit, 07:13:54 09/14/08 Sun
A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya fuck one goat . . . "
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- 30 years of marriage (PGA) -- Margit, 07:09:43 09/14/08 Sun
The couple had been married for 30 years, and on their anniversary they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night.
Her husband was laying on the bed when she came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had 30 years before. She stood seductively before him and asked, "Tell me, darling, what were you thinking 30 years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?"
He replied, "I took one look at you and thought I'd like to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry."
"And what are you thinking now, baby?" she asked huskily.
He said, "I'm thinking I did a pretty good job."
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- What a beautiful language! -- Margit, 07:06:14 09/14/08 Sun
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by v. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru."
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Replies:
- MY PRIVATE PART DIED -- Merrymags, 07:05:00 09/11/08 Thu
MY PRIVATE PART DIED
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy.
'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
(You've gotta love this .)
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
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- Funeral Procession - an Oldie but Goldie.. -- Margit, 00:52:23 09/08/08 Mon
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
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Replies:
- Mad cow -- Keitaya, 04:34:58 09/06/08 Sat
two cows are standing in a field and One cow looks at the other and says, Have you heard about that new outbreak of mad cow disease? The other says Yes. The first says, Well, arent you worried? The second says, Why should I be? Im a duck!
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- Here's something to think about -- Lady Elizabeth, 06:36:47 09/03/08 Wed
In 40 years most old ladies will have tattoos and rap music will be the oldies.
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- Any other 24 and Jack Bauer fans out there?! -- Chirre, 03:03:57 09/03/08 Wed
Nearly fell off my chair laughing reading these!! Inside the first reply... LOL
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Replies:
- Just in case you missed it... JOE SOLO! -- Larnsturt, 18:23:48 08/31/08 Sun
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- True Back-to-School Story -- Lady Cate, 04:53:19 08/27/08 Wed
Last year my boss's nephew was in half-day preschool. This year on his first day of all-day kindergarten at 1:00 he got out of his seat, got his jacket and lunchbox, and headed for the door. His teacher asked where he was going, and he said that it was time for him to leave, just like last year. His teacher explained that kindergarten was all day and he could leave when it was done. He replied, "Who the hell signed me up for this?"
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Replies:
- Women Over 40 -- LadyGrace, 10:01:53 08/25/08 Mon
Women over 40
> In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney
> thinks about women over 40:
>
>
> 60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)
>
> As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just
> a few reasons why:
>
> A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and
> ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
>
> If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit
> around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's
> usually more interesting.
>
> Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match
> with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course,
> if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they
> can get away with it.
>
> Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know
> what it's like to be unappreciated.
>
> Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins
> to a woman over 40.
>
> Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier
> than her younger counterpart.
>
> Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off
> if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder
> where you stand with her.
>
> Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart,
> well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants
> making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
>
> For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the
> milk for free?' here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against
> marriage.
> Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig
> just to get a little sausage!
>
> Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!
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- the hardy scots -- oorjanie, 12:26:03 08/22/08 Fri
this is funny.........
Low temperatures and the hardy Scots / soft Southerners
theory..............
50F degrees
People in southern England turn on the central heating
People in Edinburgh plant out bedding plants
40F degrees
Southerners shiver uncontrollably
Glaswegians sunbathe on the beach at Largs
35F degrees
Cars in the south of England refuse to start
People in Falkirk drive with their windows down
20F degrees
Southerners wear overcoats, gloves and woolly hats
Aberdonian men throw on a T-shirt & girls start wearing mini-skirts
15F degrees
Southerners begin to evacuate to the continent
People from Dundee swim in the North Sea at Broughty Ferry
Zero degrees
Life in the south grinds to a halt
Inverness folk have the last BBQ before it gets cold
Minus 10F degrees
Life in the south ceases to exist
People in Dunfermline throw on a light jacket
Minus 80F degrees
Polar bears wonder if it's worth carrying on
Boy Scouts in Oban start wearing their long trousers
Minus 100F degrees
Santa Claus abandons North Pole
People in Stirling put on their 'long johns'
Minus 173F degrees
Alcohol freezes
Glaswegians get upset because all the pubs are shut
Minus 297F degrees
Microbial life starts to disappear
The cows in Dumfriesshire complain about farmers with cold hands
Minus 460F degrees
All atomic motion stops
Shetlanders stamp their feet and blow on their hands
Minus 500F degrees
Hell freezes over
Scotland wins the World Cup
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Replies:
- Little Bo Peep sat on Pinocchio's nose singing "Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies" ! -- isis777, 08:35:44 08/20/08 Wed
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- Lipstick Jungle -- Merrymags, 11:57:18 08/16/08 Sat
According to a news report, a certain private school, in Washington D.C., was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee,
dipped it in the toilet,
and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
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Replies:
- Got this in email -- tlk2vws, 06:23:35 08/16/08 Sat
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that 'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty,and probably has germs' I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.' I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.' We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information. 'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad. ''Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.
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- Joke -- DOUG (Pathetic), 18:37:37 08/13/08 Wed
Q: If you throw a piano down a mine shaft what do you get?
A: A flat miner.
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- Dear Alcohol -- Lady Stormwing, 14:33:37 08/10/08 Sun
Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more beer for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
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- I Like Monkeys -- Lady Stormwing, 14:25:02 08/10/08 Sun
I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I have them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
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- Who wants to get married? -- Lady Elizabeth, 07:56:44 08/09/08 Sat
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one
engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for
drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her dring, the single girl leered and said, "last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather
bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!
The engaged woman giggled and said,That's pretty much my
story! When my fianc got home last Friday, he found me
waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot
of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over
at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.
When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'
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Replies:
- Installing a Husband -- Lisa, 05:10:01 08/06/08 Wed
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
.......................................................................
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
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Replies:
- a traditional celtic anecdote -- Garen Ruy, 22:42:41 08/05/08 Tue
The Story of Mac Da Tho's Pig
Once upon a time, there was a man named Mac Da Tho who had a wonderful dog. I have no idea what was so great about it, but it was quite famous in the area, and there were two men, Bran and Ciaran, who each wanted the dog for himself. Now, Bran and Ciaran each had their group of friendly supporters, and the two groups would often fight over who was better, Bran or Ciaran.
One day, Mac Da Tho decided he'd had enough, and invited Bran and Ciaran, along with their respective retinues, over for dinner to discuss who should get the dog. So he tells his wife to kill a pig and boil it, to serve for dinner.
The men arrive, and everyone's sitting around the table, waiting for the pig to be ready. By and by, an argument crops up about who should get the pig's thigh, which is the best part and traditionally goes to the best warrior in the group. (We'll ignore the fact that most pigs have two thighs. Maybe it was a three-legged pig?) Mac Da Tho, in an effort to hold off bloodshed, proposes an insult contest.
The two sides go to willingly, and start making truly unspeakable statements regarding personal habits and hygiene, parentage, relatives, wives, horses, absolutely everything that can be insulted about a man was said. By and by, it looks like Ciaran is winning, so Bran shouts to his friends to shut up and concede. Then he turns to Ciaran and says "You may have won this round, but if my brother Anluan were here, you'd be sorry."
Ciaran reaches into his saddlebag and pulls out Anluan's head, slams it down on the table, and says "So there." All hell breaks loose in short order, and when the dust clears a few hours later, Bran is dead, Ciaran is dead, Mac Da Tho is dead, the dog is dead, half of the two retinues are dead, and the pig has been dismembered and strewn around the room.
The moral of the story is that the Celts are crazy. This was illustrated when I attempted to regale relatives with it one Passover seder, and couldn't because I was laughing too hard to finish. Yes, I was drunk. My cousin hasn't spoken to me since.
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- I REALLY TRULY do not want to start any kind of political fracas, but my Da sent this to me and it made me laugh: -- Susannah, 16:04:19 08/03/08 Sun
Thoughts from across the pond:
An email from Ireland to their brethren in the States...a point to ponder despite your political affiliation:
We, in Ireland, can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.
On one side, you have a pants wearing lawyer, married to a lawyer who cannot keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer who goes to the wrong church who is married to yet another lawyer who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run.
Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate Mc terminology married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship.
What in Sam Hill's name are you lads thinking over there in the colonies??
H. Lee Nelson, Ireland
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Replies:
- Lawyers -- Margit, 10:37:44 08/03/08 Sun
Why have scientists started using lawyers for experiments instead of rats?
- They don't become so attached to the lawyers.
* * *
You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?
- Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he's dead.
* * *
A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.
The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, "Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?"
"Phew, that one's easy," says the teacher, "The Titanic".
"Alright," said St.Peter, "you may pass."
Then the thief got his question: "How many died on the Titanic?"
The thief replied, "That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people." And so he passed through.
Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: "Name them."
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- Four Friends... -- Sorcha, 09:28:45 08/02/08 Sat
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men excused himself to the restroom. Those who remained talked about their kids
The first one said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder. Now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second man says, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. he's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday!"
The third man said, "Wow, that's fantastic! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday... a 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other on their successful sons just as the fourth returned. He asked what all the congratulations were about.
One of the three said, "We were talking aobut the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... what about your son?"
The fourth man replied, "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a gay nightcub."
The three friends make tsk noises and are embarassed for him. "What a shame, what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied, "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. He hasn't done too bad, either. His birthday was a couple of weeks ago and he received a beautiful new mansion, a private jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.
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Replies:
- A kilt is a kilt - but a sporran.......... -- Kelly K, 07:27:01 07/29/08 Tue
Did you hear about the young highland lad whose mother always told him. "Don't be ashamed of your kilt, Laddie! Be proud of it!! If you ever have to go to the big city, where your dress kilt and wear it with pride!"
Eventually, she died, and he had to go to London for the estate paperwork. He remembered what his auld mother always told him, and wore his dress kilt. He was on a bus in London when the driver looked back in his rear view mirror and shouted, "You there! You'll have to put the animal off! Animals aren't allowed on the bus!"
The Highlander said, "Who? Me? I have no animal."
The driver said, "The animal in your lap, son!"
The Highlander said, "That's no animal - that's me sporran!"
The lady sitting next to him fainted. She had been petting it for five minutes.
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Replies:
- The Englishman, the Irishman, and the Scot -- Lady Joy, 15:56:43 07/12/08 Sat
An Englishman, and Irishman, and a Scot were in a bar tipping a pint, when three flies fell into their brews, one in each.
The Englishman hailed the barkeep, "Say old chap, have you a teaspoon?" with which he then deftly scooped the fly from his glass.
The Irishman said, "Shor 'an be gor! I'll never taste it!" and chugged down the pint, fly and all.
The Scot snapped up the fly by the wings, shook it and bellowed, "Spit it oot, ye wee beastie! That's my beer!"
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- Sign at the Dr's -- keitaya, 20:24:47 07/11/08 Fri
At the local Dr's a new sign went up... "Atention all clients... All unatended children will be used for medical research."
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Replies:
- Beach Bimbo -- I hadn't seen this one before, & thought I'd pass it on! -- Cathryn_L, 13:40:16 07/10/08 Thu
A Couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the
beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at
the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor
was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing;
she would approach people who were sitting on the
beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she
would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod
and there would be a quick exchange of money and
something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and
debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know
for sure, they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have
you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with
boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't -- and said so.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and
our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can
find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife
was almost hopping up & down with anticipation when
she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.
The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at ! ;
the road.
"Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.
"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more
than he should have.
"Well, what is it then? What does she do ?" his wife
fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "She's a battery
salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes ..." he replied -
She sells C cells by the seashore!
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Replies:
- Golf match -- SueKy, 07:53:31 07/09/08 Wed
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
'Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt,' the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up
beside him and whispers, 'Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?'
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, 'Sure,' and sinks the putt. Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again,'Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.'The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, 'Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?' Shrugging, the golfer replies,'Okay.' And he makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, 'Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?'
'Definitely,' the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
As the golfer is walking to the club house,the stranger walks alongside him and says,'I haven't really been fair with you because youdon't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life.'
'Nice to meet you,' the golfer replies,
'I'm Father O'Malley.
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- Menu in English -- Margit, 06:09:23 07/08/08 Tue
Some excample of "Finnglish" (Finnish + English) menu items. They are taken from real menus, but restaurant names withheld!
For those who speaks English as mother tongue, please try to find out, what there should have be written!
Shrimp and crap salad for two.
Grilled pork shop.
You can have crap on your pizza.
Tepid chicken salad with bread.
We give you water only when you ask.
Dead snails from land in garlic and butter sauce.
The cock is recommending today's beef.
We can serve your steak with much blood, some blood, or
well-done.
The house's tart is called Torttu in Finnish and is warm.
Ice cream with warm bear halves and toffee sauce.
Finnish mushroom salad - wild, salty and sticky
mushrooms with cream sauce and pickles.
Mexican burrito with mutilated chicken meat and salsa.
Try traditional Finnish pee soup.
We can bring the nuts and drinks to your room (room
service card). Drink something if you want (room service
card). On our breakfast table you will find the cheese, the
meat and some others.
Omelet is made with recent eggs from a local farm where
the chickens are alive.
This week is "bird meat week" but we also have a good
selection of mammal meat.
Japanese guests can have traditional breakfast with stinky
rice and fishes.
Blini served with cream and not real caviar.
Tar ice cream - Finnish special. Good for people who eat tar
and lingon berries.
Children's hamburger is served with the French Pizzas.
After clock 21 are not. Sorry.
Meat with sweat and sour sauce.
Chin piece of steak with potatoes in cream
Coat cheese and pepper in minced balls
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Replies:
- A Horse, A Chicken and A Harley -- Whiskey Eyes, 10:40:22 07/03/08 Thu
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend 's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of
the pit
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)
'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks'
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Replies:
- Don't lie to your mother...... -- AmandaW, 21:00:43 06/30/08 Mon
Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal;
his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate,
Joanne, was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and
this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate
than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.
About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you
don't suppose she took it do you?'
'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.
So he sat down and wrote. . ...
DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M
NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS
THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PETER
Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read. . .
DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING
THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE
WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING
PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM
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Replies:
- cute dog story -- annieo, 15:50:23 06/28/08 Sat
an older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell
from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was
well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed
his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off
and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the
owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost
every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his
collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's
trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
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- Terrific video -- kgp, 11:36:50 06/26/08 Thu
I posted this on the Social Board yesterday but it deserves wider distribution. We're all not so different when it comes right down to it. Hope you like it as much as I did.
Clicket!
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Replies:
- The Mailman -- Margit, 01:24:01 06/24/08 Tue
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The Mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies,"Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning." We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Holiday cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."
The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Bob continues between hung over gasps,"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The Mailman laughs and says," Damn, I am sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "your name was guessed at least four or five times."
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- Timer -- Margit, 01:21:48 06/24/08 Tue
She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the frayed T shirt that she normally slept in. As he walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought, 'I'm still dreaming,' then took her right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to stove, her tiny T shirt still around her neck.
A little later, he asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained: 'The egg timer's broken.'
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Replies:
- I owe my mother -- Lady Elizabeth, 21:30:03 06/22/08 Sun
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week.
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, ! that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."!
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't
exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me>"
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25.! And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
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- Health Advice for Women -- oorjanie, 09:47:41 06/20/08 Fri
IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.
White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine. White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! ~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE!!
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Replies:
- The Hikers -- devenhuis, 07:54:42 06/20/08 Fri
One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."
Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
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Replies:
- Beer Festival -- Mountain Girl, 08:42:35 06/18/08 Wed
After a Beer Festival in London , all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
Corona 's president sits down and says, "Seor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona ." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
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- Putting the Cat Out -- Mairghread, 19:55:19 06/17/08 Tue
We were dressed and ready to go out for a party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car...
THE END :)
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- Joke -- Judie, 22:20:02 06/10/08 Tue
.
.
This is cute. Plays best when downloaded into your computer and then click play.
http://www.lallybroch.com/comedy
Judie
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Replies:
- Headache -- Margit, 22:21:11 06/08/08 Sun
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
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- The Blonde in the Casino -- devenhuis, 07:31:59 06/06/08 Fri
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are stupid and not all Blondes are Dumb,
But all Men are Men.
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- The Pirate -- Cathy, 06:32:44 06/04/08 Wed
I don't think this one has been told here already...
A pirate walks into a bar and he has a steering wheel hanging from the crotch of his pants.
The bartender says, "Excuse me, do you know that you have a steering wheel hanging from your crotch?"
And the pirate says, "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"
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- My favorite joke of all time. -- Cathy, 08:56:21 06/02/08 Mon
What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision??
*
*
*
*
With a divorce you get rid of the whole dick!
:D
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Replies:
- a canny father -- Kry, 21:54:28 05/31/08 Sat
One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to Inverness.
Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander stepped Into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair....... heart stopping.
The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.
"Right, you Jimmy" he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate",
"But......" stammers the driver.
"Du it now...or I'll bluddy kill yer!"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long.
"Right" snarls the highlander "Du it again!"
"But....." says the driver.
"Now!"
So the driver does it again.
"Right laddie, du it again" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.
"Du it again" says the highlander.
"I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside. "All right laddie," he says, "NOW you can give ma daughter a lift to Inverness".
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Replies:
- Not really a joke . . . -- Jessica, 23:28:24 05/29/08 Thu
But everyone I tell it to laughs!!
I'd put my two year old and four year old daughters to bed, and after a little bit could still hear them giggling in the bed room. When I opened the door, my two year old was busily biting off her toenails. Grossed out I told her not to do that that it was really yucky and that she could get sick.
My four year old, completely serious, told me "Mommy, don't worry, she does mine all the time and doesn't get sick."
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Replies:
- Prolly old but still funny for pet owners -- CarolE, 20:52:10 03/06/08 Thu
To all Pet Owners
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for
it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than yo u can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball
when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or
get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must
exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the
bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's
butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our
Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don' t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'nature.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because
they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a 'gazillion ' dollars for college.
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
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Replies:
- Be Careful What You Wish For -- Kyrie, 20:46:00 02/01/08 Fri
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and a Texan are all working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land." POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."
The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."
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Replies:
- now i know why i love texans.. (NT) -- Lady Elizabeth, 06:19:59 02/02/08 Sat
- I'm sorry, but I don't think this is funny. I think in today's political context, this "joke" fuels prejudice in associating Muslims with terrorists. Maybe there's a cultural reference I don't "get", if that's the case would someone please explain? Sorry, I don't mean to offend anyone, but I am rather disturbed by this. (NT) -- Pat, 10:30:33 02/02/08 Sat
- Pat, thanks for having the courage to post your feelings over this. I, too, was disturbed when I read it but didn't know how to eloquently voice it. You're not alone in thinking that this type of joke serves to fuel further prejudice. (NT) -- Keira, 11:45:22 02/02/08 Sat
- Oh please. Let's not get so politically correct that we can't even tell a joke around here. I've seen plenty of stuff on here that is probably offensive to some group or other. Just try to keep a sense of humor. (NT) -- Mari L., 12:21:33 02/02/08 Sat
- Mari, there's no problem with telling jokes and most jokes are okay. I think if anyone feels uncomfortable then they also have the right to express those feelings. Respect for everyone is as important here as on all the other boards. As with other jokes that may be off colour or offensive to a particular race (please remeber this board is visited by more than just Americans), then perhaps the joke should be posted inside with a note that it is politically inclined. (NT) -- Keira, 12:58:25 02/02/08 Sat
- Most of the jokes here are "off colour" - that's what makes them funny! By the way, Americans come in all colors, races, and creeds. Your blond joke below might be offensive to those of us who are blond, but I don't want you to put it inside with a warning "blond joke inside". Same way with jokes about old people, etc. That's what I mean about not being too politically correct that we can't laugh. (NT) -- Mari L., 13:34:04 02/02/08 Sat
- Thank you, Keira. Mari, I understand how you feel, too. This joke crossed MY line - maybe you have a line of your own that you don't like to be crossed. Maybe you don't. Sorry if my comment seemed inappropriate to you. (NT) -- Pat, 21:22:34 02/02/08 Sat
- This joke sat wrong with me, also. I'm glad to know I was not the only one. (NT) -- Brookita, 01:29:01 02/11/08 Mon
- okay so none of you has EVER told a -- lady wright, 12:33:17 05/04/08 Sun
- HI -- delayk, 15:31:08 05/01/09 Fri
