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• Aussie speak -- Wilhelmiina, 23:38:23 05/30/06 Tue
  

  Last edited by author: Tue May 30, 2006 23:39:37   Edited 1 time.
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  • In here, please..>> -- Wilhelmiina, 23:41:08 05/30/06 Tue
    • Very funny, I enjoyed that! (NT) -- Margy, 13:58:48 05/31/06 Wed
  • Good one! Thanks for the laughs. (NT) -- Margit, 01:49:29 05/31/06 Wed
  • HaHa. I like it. Cut and paste for me. What brought you to OZ W? And to Townsville of all places? (NT) -- Alissa, 06:15:33 05/31/06 Wed
    • I was an exchange student. Long, long ago. >> -- Wilhelmiina, 00:03:46 06/01/06 Thu
      • Yes OZ is a great place. I love the bush to but not the red dirt. It gets into everything including my nose!!! (NT) -- Alissa, 02:22:25 06/01/06 Thu

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• I can see why this would work.... -- Sheila, 20:25:33 05/30/06 Tue
  Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,
  
  "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
  
  His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout,
  "WHO'S HORNY"? ..... and she acts like she's asleep every time.
  

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  • BWHAHAHA. Love it!!! (NT) -- Alissa, 06:16:47 05/31/06 Wed
  • LMAO!!!!!!!!! omg, that made me laugh soooo hard. I can just imagine my dbf doing something like that. Just for a laugh, of course! lol (NT) -- AmandaJ, 19:58:26 05/31/06 Wed

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• life lessons -- Lady Åsa, 08:56:58 05/31/06 Wed
  A mother tries to warn her 17 year old daughter for the dangers of life: What do you do if you get molested by a man a dark night on a dark street? - i would quickly pull his pants down and just as quick pull my skirt up? - Have you lost your mind, girl? - Now, but who do you think runs the fastes, a man with his pants pulled down or a girl with her skirt pulled up?
  

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• In light on one of the QOTDs offered last week (the snake in the privy) I though you'd like this little story - -- annieo, 05:24:59 05/30/06 Tue
  
  
  Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
  
  On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
  
  The accident to occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
  
  Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
  
  "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
  
  But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
  
  There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
  
  So out I came, dripping wet and buck-naked, hoping that my silent outrage nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.
  
  Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
  
  It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
  
  No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.
  
  She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of kitten hanging from my masculine region.
  
  Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
  
  When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck-naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
  
  Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter... and not succeeding.
  
  Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury.
  
  I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
  
  "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
  

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  • Brilliant, very funny. (NT) -- Louise_C_H, 06:44:38 05/30/06 Tue
  • ROTFL! Reminded me of friend describing a summer night in bed with dearly beloved.Lying side by side. Covered only with a sheet. A little cuddling ensued. Accordingly the sheet rose in one particular place. Kitten pounced with needle-sharp claws on mysterious protuberance. DB had to be scraped off ceiling. Romance died..... (NT) -- Tooki, 16:32:28 05/30/06 Tue
  • That is just gorgeous! (NT) -- Sheila, 20:20:17 05/30/06 Tue

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• The Parking Lot -- lady elizabeth, 20:07:28 05/22/06 Mon
  A man, not unlike our very own Blackdog, was going to the grocery store. He parked his car, and as he was getting out, he noticed a woman sitting in her car holding the back of her head which was tilted at a funny angle. He didn't think much of it and continued on to do his shopping.
  
  When he returned to his car, he noticed the woman was still sitting there holding the back of her head in the exact same position. So being a gentlemn, he asked if she need some assistance.
  
  She said, "Call 911, I've been shot! and I'm holding my brains in!" So he called 911 and the paramedics carefully extracted her from her car and ascertained that
  after the woman got into her car, a tube of crescent rolls inadvertently popped opened and the contents ( her brains) had hit her in the back of the head.
  
  I swear this had to be a true story.
  

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  • Inside>>>>> -- Sian Elizabeth, 19:24:02 05/23/06 Tue
  • MY MIL did almost this to my SIL. They had got into the car after shopping and MIL told SIL a vein had burst in her leg and was bleeding and to take her to hospital straight away (she was nearly hysterical), so SIL drives to the hospital and in the car park thought she had better take a look, to discover MILs leg was wet with condensation from the frozen groceries she had been holding as she got in the car. (NT) -- Tooki, 19:34:53 05/29/06 Mon

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• Tickle Me Elmo -- RobynB, 07:13:10 05/25/06 Thu
  There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle MeElmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
  Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and
  begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
  The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
  really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little
  piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
  After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
  "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
  

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  • ahahahahaha. that one was funny! lol, too cute. (NT) -- amandaj, 09:02:50 05/29/06 Mon

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• In honour of my SIL who had her first mammogram - the first of us to do it! -- Sheila, 03:32:29 05/29/06 Mon
  Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!
  
  Exercise 1:
  Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and themain box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
  
  Exercise 2:
  
  Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back he car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
  
  Exercise 3:
  
  Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!!
  
  CONGRATULATIONS!
  
  Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your Mammogram!
  
  And just a thought for all you women out there MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause. Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? And when we have real problems,it's HISterectomy!
  

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  • HAHAHA - i love these. i also love the cartoon i got called "The MAN-o-gram" showing a man with his parts being maltreated in the same way breasts are during a mammogram. turn about is fair play! (NT) -- annieo, 06:40:11 05/29/06 Mon
  • Hahaha....just got an email with a mamo poem...is it mamo awareness month hehehe come inside >>>>>>> -- Marilyn, 07:41:24 05/29/06 Mon
  • when i first started reading I thought it was a serious thing! I was horrified at the thought! lol. that was too funny! (NT) -- AmandaJ, 08:57:54 05/29/06 Mon

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• A few Jokes -- Alissa, 03:19:00 05/25/06 Thu
  One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sex nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
  So he tied her up and went golfing.
  
  ***********************************************
  
  A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
  "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
  
  > > ***********************************************
  
  Marriage is a relationship in which one person i s always right, and the other is a husband.
  
  > > ***********************************************
  
  Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
  "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
  
  > > ************************************************
  
  A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put
  in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
  The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
  

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  • omigawd - the 4th one nearly caused me to spew tea over the keyboard!! (NT) -- kgp, 05:51:44 05/26/06 Fri

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• A LESSON TO ALL EMPLOYEES WHO WORK WITH RUDE CUSTOMERS -- SueP, 15:52:31 05/21/06 Sun
  A LESSON TO ALL EMPLOYEES WHO WORK WITH RUDE CUSTOMERS
  
  Indeed, an award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly cargo.
  A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.
  Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
  "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
  The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, And I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
  Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: May I have your attention please, May I have your attention please," She began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
  With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
  

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  • Oh that's just beautiful! (NT) -- Sheila, 15:57:32 05/21/06 Sun
  • I want to shake that woman's hand! I know I've gotten shoved out of the way at the airport enough! (NT) -- Sian Elizabeth, 10:21:43 05/22/06 Mon
  • That is just the best. (NT) -- annieo, 06:10:13 05/25/06 Thu

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• Ordering a pizza in 2010 -- CathyS, 18:39:23 05/23/06 Tue
  This could be scary if it wasn't funny!?
  Be sure that your speakers are on and the volume is turned
  up. For a look at what ordering pizza in the year 2010 will be like, copy and paste the website below:
  http://www.adcritic.com/interactive/view.php?id=5927
  

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  • Oh I could see this happening. When I call for pizza delivery they already know who I am, where I live and my credit card info, it all pops up with the caller id. CLICK HERE (NT) -- Noelle, 05:01:37 05/24/06 Wed
  • Scary thing is 2010 is only a few years away!!!! (NT) -- Alissa, 06:01:26 05/25/06 Thu

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• Just heavenly... -- Mairghread, 23:24:01 05/23/06 Tue
  One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can
  make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."
  
  The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
  
  A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
  
  About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?" The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the
  best!"
  

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• Raise your glasses, ladies! It's time for a drinking song! -- Jessie McK, 06:26:18 04/28/06 Fri
  Well, a Sotsman clad in kilt left the bar one ev'nin fair
  And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share.
  He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet
  So he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street
  *Ring- ding didle-idle-aye-dee-yo*
  *Ring- dye didlee-aye-yo*
  He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street
  About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by
  One says to the other with a *twinkle* in her eye:
  "See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built?
  I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilt!
  *Ring-ding didleidle-aye-dee-yo*
  *Ring-dye didlee-aye-yo*
  I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt!
  They crept up on theat sleeping Scotsman quiet as can be
  Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
  And there behold for them to view beneath his Scotish skirt
  Was nothin more than God had graced him with upon his birth
  *Ring-ding diddle-idle-aye-dde-yo*
  Ring-dye diddlee-aye-yo*
  Nothin more than God had graced him with upon his birth
  They marveled for a moment then one said "we must be goin'
  Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along"
  As a gift they tied a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow
  Around the bonny star the scots kilt did lift and show
  *Ring-ding diddle-idle-aye-dee-yo*
  *Ring-dye diddlee-aye-yo*
  Around the bonny star the scots kilt did lift and show
  Now the scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards the trees
  Behind the bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees
  And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes
  "Och, lad I don't know where yev been, but I see ye one first prize!"
  *Ring-ding diddle-idle-aye-dee-yo*
  *Ring-dye diddlee-aye-yo*
  Lad I don't know where yev been but I see ye one first prize!
  

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  • will have to try and memorise this for the next 'drinking song required' event! haha too funny...... wonder how much i'll remember after a few drinkies (NT) -- oorjanie, 11:59:01 04/28/06 Fri
  • one of the radio stations at home used to have a recording of this...I remember laughing about it w/ HS buddies... :-) (NT) -- shellb, 13:45:14 04/28/06 Fri
  • heard this one live at a Renaissance Faire, and not nearly enough at other times. Love it, love it! (NT) -- devenhuis, 20:18:16 04/29/06 Sat
  • Ha! I used to BE one of the bawdy wenches singing this song at ren fairs! :) I've also had the opportunity to sing it to a real Scot in Scotland :) (NT) -- Green Dragon, 11:16:11 05/01/06 Mon
  • Ha! I used to BE one of the bawdy wenches singing this song at ren fairs! :) I've also had the opportunity to sing it to a real Scot in Scotland :) (NT) -- Green Dragon, 11:16:13 05/01/06 Mon
  • There is a recording of this song. Check out The Hair of The Dog (Band) Live at the Parting Glass (CD) (NT) -- LallyLinda, 06:40:10 05/23/06 Tue

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• bustour -- Lady Åsa, 09:17:33 05/18/06 Thu
  Hello all!
  
  Here is a funny story I stumbled across:
  
  A bus was driving along to highway with some old ladies onboard going back from a shoppingtour
  One of the old ladies patted the busdriver on his shoulder and asked him if he would like a handfull of peanuts.The Busdriver was glad to have them and munched with good apetite.
  After another fifteen minutes the old lady was there again and asked him if he would like another handfull of peanuts. He said please and enjoyed the peanuts.
  This went on for 5 times and by that time he asked the lady why she and the other ladies didn´t want the nuts themselves. "We can´t eat them because we have no teeth" she answered. "But why did you buy them than?" the busdriver asked."Oh, you know; we just love the chocolate around them"she answered.
  

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  • Ieeeewwww! (NT) -- Chirre, 02:34:56 05/19/06 Fri
  • OMG!! This is unbeliveble! I agree with you Chirre- ieeew! (NT) -- TheréseM, 05:38:34 05/23/06 Tue

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• In bed with the DH... -- LadyBelle, 19:44:16 05/22/06 Mon
  Husband: Oh, come on.
  Wife: Leave me alone!
  Husband: It won't take long.
  Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
  Husband: I can't sleep without it.
  Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
  Husband: Because I'm Hot.
  Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
  Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
  Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
  Husband: You don't love me anymore.
  Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
  Husband: Please...come on
  
  Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
  Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
  Wife: I can't find it.
  Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
  Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
  Husband: Oh, yes.
  Wife: Is it up far enough?
  Husband: Oh, that's good
  Wife: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
  

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• Hi all - My FIL is a great one for limericks, and I think I remember this one right - i'll put it in the first answer just in case it offends anyone's religious sensibilities...please feel free to amend or edit as necessary!! -- annieo, 08:01:29 05/20/06 Sat
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  • inside>>> -- annieo, 08:04:23 05/20/06 Sat
    • hahahahaha!! (NT) -- alisonb, 05:35:45 05/22/06 Mon
    • HAAA!! Never heard that one before!!! Good pic, Annieo!!! (NT) -- RobynB, 07:32:58 05/22/06 Mon

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• The Lie -- TanyaB, 05:25:44 05/22/06 Mon
  At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far in class. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
  
  Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final, they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back, had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.
  
  The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. He placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet.
  
  
  They quickly answered the first problem, worth five (5) points.
  
  
  Cool, they thought!
  Each one, in separate rooms, thought this is going to be easy.
  
  
  Then they turned the page.
  
  
  
  
  
  On the second page was written:
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  For 95 points: Which tire?
  

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• Excerpt from NY Times - really beautiful response for a -- Aislinn, 18:53:17 05/16/06 Tue
  I seriously doubt the authenticity of the joke, but it is seriously funny!
  
  
  
  A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.*
  
  *Dear Sir:*
  
  *I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.*
  
  *By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.*
  
  *You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.*
  
  *My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.*
  
  *I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.*
  
  *From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.*
  
  *Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.*
  
  *In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.*
  
  *Let me level the playing field even further.
  
  *When you call me, press buttons as follows:
  
  *1-- To make an appointment to see me.*
  
  *2-- To query a missing payment.*
  
  *3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.*
  
  *4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.*
  
  *5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.*
  
  *6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.*
  
  *7-- To leave a message on my computer. (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)*
  
  *8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.*
  
  *9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.*
  
  *While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.*
  
  *May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.*
  
  *Your Humble Client*
  
  *(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman)*
  
  *JUST GOTTA LOVE SENIOR
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • haha too funny! think i'll cut and paste it to a few choice organizations! hehe (NT) -- oorjanie, 11:41:59 05/17/06 Wed

  ---

• Hangover -- Aislinn, 18:46:17 05/16/06 Tue
  Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
  
  Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
  
  Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
  
  He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!:
  
  "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"
  
  He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks,
  
  "Son. what happened last night?"
  
  "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
  
  Confused he asked his son,
  
  "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
  
  His son replies,
  
  "Oh THAT!..." Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
  
  "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
  
  
  Broken Coffee Table $39.99
  
  
  Hot Breakfast $4.20
  
  
  Two Aspirins $0.38
  
  
  Saying the right thing at the right time. . Priceless
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • awwww that's cute! sounds like what my boyfriend would say... (NT) -- Sian Elizabeth, 20:20:41 05/16/06 Tue

  ---

• My husband doesn't understand why I laugh at these, but you will.... -- Sheila, 03:54:21 05/16/06 Tue
  A Husband called home to his wife and said: "Darling, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up." "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish . But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"
  
  
  
  (You'll love the answer..........)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box............!!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • BWHAHAHAHA OMG....I love it!!!! Didn't see that coming. (NT) -- Alissa, 06:14:51 05/16/06 Tue
  • haha I love it! (NT) -- Sian Elizabeth, 20:19:27 05/16/06 Tue

  ---

• Words Women Use. -- Sian Elizabeth, 07:54:23 05/05/06 Fri
  WORDS WOMEN USE
  
  
  FINE
  
  This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
  
  
  FIVE MINUTES
  
  If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
  
  
  NOTHING
  
  this is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
  
  
  GO AHEAD
  
  This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it!!!
  
  LOUD SIGH
  
  This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"!
  
  THATS OKAY
  
  This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
  
  
  
  THANK YOU
  
  A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say, "You're welcome honey".
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • LOL...these never get old, I laugh every time probably because they are so true :) (NT) -- Marilyn, 19:50:16 05/05/06 Fri
  • Boy do I hear myself here! (NT) -- TanyaB, 05:11:46 05/06/06 Sat
  • Were you listening at my house? (NT) -- LaurenG, 17:58:20 05/16/06 Tue

  ---

• The Lonely Brain Cell -- MadamDaphne, 11:29:42 05/13/06 Sat
  THE LONELY BRAIN CELL
  
  Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake,
  happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because
  it was all empty and quiet.
  
  "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a
  little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started
  to
  feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,
  
  
  "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
  
  Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  "We're down here .."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • ROFL - love it!! (NT) -- SueP, 17:27:15 05/14/06 Sun
  • Hehe! I love it! (NT) -- Whiskey Eyes, 19:15:08 05/14/06 Sun
  • Too funny!!! (NT) -- LaurenG, 17:48:17 05/16/06 Tue

  ---

• A Husband's Nightmare -- oorjanie, 11:40:28 05/04/06 Thu
  A Husband's Nightmare
  
  A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
  
  The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
  
  In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food as spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was
  spread by the back door.
  
  He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.
  
  He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her
  pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
  
  She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply.
  
  She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Put your hand up if you would love to do that!! (NT) -- Sheila, 16:20:40 05/04/06 Thu
  • ......hand raised and waving madly :) (NT) -- Marilyn, 19:28:18 05/04/06 Thu
  • and my hand is in the air! (NT) -- Sian Elizabeth, 20:11:56 05/04/06 Thu
  • Hand up in the air! (NT) -- Rebeccab, 06:26:49 05/06/06 Sat
  • OH, that's great. All mothers should try this, at least once, just to make a point (NT) -- Nifty, 14:40:09 05/16/06 Tue

  ---

• Why God Made Moms - Darlene shared this with the Lallyquilters and I thought it deserved a wider audience -- Tooki, 21:30:58 05/14/06 Sun
  Answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions:
  
  *Why did God make mothers?
  1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
  2. Mostly to clean the house.
  3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
  
  *How did God make mothers?
  1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
  2 Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
  3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
  
  *What ingredients are mothers made of?
  1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
  2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
  
  *Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
  1. We're related.
  2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
  
  *How do you think your Mom was as a little girl?
  1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
  2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
  3. They say she used to be nice.
  
  *What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
  1. His last name.
  2 She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
  3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
  
  *Why did your Mom marry your dad?
  1. My dad makes the best (Italian food)-in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
  2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
  3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
  
  *Who's the boss at your house?
  1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
  2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
  3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
  
  *What's the difference between moms and dads?
  1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
  2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
  3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
  
  *What does your Mom do in her spare time?
  1. Mothers don't do spare time.
  2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
  
  *What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
  1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
  2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
  
  *If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
  1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
  2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
  3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
  
  *THE MOMMY TEST*
  I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," .I was thinking quickly,"All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy." "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Too cute, loved the last part if ya dont pass you have to be the daddy.....kids are so cute (NT) -- Carrie R, 05:46:17 05/15/06 Mon
  • LOL Oh my god I didn´t see that last part coming at all, it´s hillarious! (NT) -- Lady Morilka, 05:54:36 05/15/06 Mon

  ---

• funny one, don't know title tho..... -- oorjanie, 10:17:20 05/12/06 Fri
  A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
  
  you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little
  
  Johnny.
  
  "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
  
  The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
  
  thinking."
  
  Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three
  
  women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the
  
  sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the
  
  top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice
  
  cream. Which one is married?"
  
  The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one
  
  that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
  
  "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like
  your thinking."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Why the USA is in so much trouble... -- Lady Stormwing, 14:02:37 05/09/06 Tue
  A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!
  
  1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
  
  2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, when she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response – “click”.
  
  3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"
  
  4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
  
  5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time."
  
  6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
  
  7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
  
  8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"
  
  9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."
  
  10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Florida on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"
  
  11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
  
  12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply, "Whatever, I knew it was a big animal".
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • And yet we still elect these morons! Or someone does, anyway! :) (NT) -- Christina V., 22:20:49 05/09/06 Tue
  • Very good laugh for a one living in the Old Continent.. Thanks! (P.S: Mr. Bill Clinton visited my home town yesterday. They said in the newspaper that he made a good speech. Tickets for the occasion abt 1500-1800 USD) (NT) -- Margit, 22:35:32 05/09/06 Tue
    • And he bought a belt but not a mobile phone though it was on sale.Thanks for the laughs! (NT) -- Helka, 07:23:30 05/10/06 Wed
  • Priceless! :) (NT) -- Chirre, 05:43:03 05/12/06 Fri

  ---

• Letter of the year >>>>> -- SueP, 00:52:20 05/08/06 Mon
  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:
  • Letter of the year -- Lorielyn, 15:58:04 05/08/06 Mon
  • and..... (NT) -- Sheila, 02:14:21 05/09/06 Tue
  • Sorry!! I wasn't able to cut and paste it ! it was a very funny letter written to the NZ Police Dept to get off a speeding ticket! (NT) -- SueP, 02:02:58 05/10/06 Wed
  • Was this it? http://www.studentz.co.nz/funnies/articles.asp?id=3830 sorry, I still have yet to understand how to do links! (NT) -- Lady Stormwing, 11:01:44 05/10/06 Wed
    • THAT'S THE ONE !!! Thanks Lady Stormwing! (NT) -- SueP, 14:28:12 05/10/06 Wed
      • No problem. Glad to be of help! (NT) -- Lady Stormwing, 20:21:44 05/10/06 Wed
    • letter link (NT) -- Tooki, 21:40:22 05/10/06 Wed
  • Haaahaaa, very good. I had a similar experience some years back when I was issued a parking ticket. I was supposed to have been in Toronto (2 hours away) which might have been possible as I certainly travel to that city regularly. However the date of the infraction was my birthday and I can usually prove that I spend my birthdays with my family here in London, The ticket was waived. (NT) -- Keira, 07:25:24 05/11/06 Thu
  • Oh Sue it was worth the wait. I nearly sent it to my BIL the policeman, but wisdom prevailed (he has no SOH) (NT) -- Sheila, 04:16:18 05/12/06 Fri

  ---

• An old one, but a goodie! -- Tooki, 16:35:27 05/11/06 Thu
  A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
  
  Moral of the Story -
  [1] Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.
  [2] Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.
  [3] And when you're in deep crap, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Good Bless Irish Women -- Robyn B, 14:39:21 05/10/06 Wed
  John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
  
  He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night". She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
  
  "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
  
  She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• A Bear Story -- Traci_Mc, 11:14:34 05/07/06 Sun
  A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
  They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
  
  One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
  
  One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
  
  Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
  
  Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
  
  Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
  
  They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
  
  The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• The Church Gossip -- annieo, 16:34:08 05/01/06 Mon
  Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
  
  Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home.... and left it there all night.
  
  You gotta love Henry.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • I think this is priceless (NT) -- LadyLam, 13:29:00 05/03/06 Wed
  • We have a few older ladies at church that are just about this bad!! (NT) -- TanyaB, 17:47:41 05/04/06 Thu

  ---

• Service -- FloraMac, 12:54:52 05/03/06 Wed
  One Sunday morning, the preacher noticed little Alex standing in
  the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with
  names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
  
  The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so
  the preacher walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly,
  "Good morning Alex."
  
  "Good morning Preacher," he replied, still focused on the plaque.
  "Preacher, what is this?" the boy asked.
  
  The preacher said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men
  and women who died in the service."
  
  Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
  
  Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked,
  
  "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • How funny! (NT) -- Sheila, 22:50:03 05/03/06 Wed

  ---

• Oooops -- annieo, 18:56:40 05/01/06 Mon
  -----
  Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50mph.
  
  I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
  
  I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
  
  There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now w ith a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
  
  She sleepily replied, "I know. Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that mess. "
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • heh heh heh heh (NT) -- LadyLam, 09:46:18 05/02/06 Tue
  • Oh my - what a cracker! (NT) -- Sheila, 16:21:59 05/02/06 Tue
  • *lol* I didn´t see that one coming (NT) -- Lady Morilka, 11:56:19 05/03/06 Wed

  ---

• The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled You Can Be the Man of Your House. -- Marilyn, 14:18:20 05/01/06 Mon
  He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
  
  His wife replied, "The f___in' funeral director would be my guess."
  

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  Replies:

  • Abso f___in' lutely!!! (NT) -- Sheila, 01:45:24 05/02/06 Tue
  • Very good - !! I agree with Sheila!! (NT) -- LadyLam, 09:50:12 05/02/06 Tue
  • indeed (NT) -- mary-mckay, 12:53:16 05/02/06 Tue
  • and that's the response my DB will get if he tries to pull that one on me! (NT) -- Sian Elizabeth, 20:02:06 05/02/06 Tue

  ---

• I think this woman would fare better after going thru the stones than this man: -- SueW, 15:02:44 05/01/06 Mon
  A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life...until the boat sank! He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
  
  After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
  
  She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
  
  "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
  
  "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
  
  "But, where did you get the tools?"
  
  "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable, ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
  
  The guy is stunned.
  
  "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few hours of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls out off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck
  
  As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
  
  "No. No, thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."
  
  "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
  
  Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
  
  No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end inside a swivel mechanism.
  
  "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
  
  When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and flowers strategically positioned, and smelling of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
  
  "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months?" She stares into his eyes and takes his hand in hers...
  
  He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes, "....I can check my e-mail from here?"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

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• Is hell exothermic or endothermic? -- Sheila, 03:44:31 04/30/06 Sun
  The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "Profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
  
  Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
  
  Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
  
  First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
  
  As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
  
  With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
  
  Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
  
  This gives two possibilities:
  
  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
  
  2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
  
  So which is it?
  
  If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I boned her like christmas ham last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
  
  The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
  
  THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
  

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  Replies:

  • HAHAHA! copy paste print! (NT) -- Sian Elizabeth, 12:58:57 04/30/06 Sun
  • This was one of the first jokes that I ever read on the joke board ( when I first found this web site) ?last fall? (time flies)... It was a definite "copy and paster" that I sent to a number of friends - I was crying I was laughing so hard. (NT) -- LadyLam, 23:13:54 04/30/06 Sun

  ---

• Welfare -- DawnaL, 15:05:06 04/29/06 Sat
  A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
  The social worker behind the counter says, "This is amazing, your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful, nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in is Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, all your meals will be provided too. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy all her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. And finally, the starting salary is $200,000 a year."
  The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
  The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Love it! (NT) -- Sheila, 18:50:44 04/29/06 Sat

  ---

• It's that time of the year again! -- Lady Stormwing, 18:40:04 04/29/06 Sat
  Everyone knows that "April showers bring May flowers", but what do May flowers bring?
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ....Pilgrims!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Why Men Are Just Happier People -- Lily, 04:44:27 04/29/06 Sat
  --Why Men Are Just Happier People--
  What do you expect from such simple creatures?
  Your last name stays put.
  The garage is all yours.
  Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  Chocolate is just another snack.
  You can be President.
  You can never be pregnant.
  You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
  You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
  Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  The world is your urinal.
  You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
  You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  Same work, more pay.
  Wrinkles add character.
  Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
  People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
  The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  One mood all the time.
  Phone conversations are over in 30 secods flat.
  You know stuff about tanks.
  A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  You can open all your own jars.
  You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
  Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
  Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  You almost never have strap problems in public.
  You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
  Everything on your face stays its original colour.
  The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
  You only have to shave your face and neck.
  You can play with toys all your life.
  Your belly usually hides your big hips.
  One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.
  You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
  You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
  You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache..
  You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
  
  No wonder men are happier.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Dang they got it made. My average phone conversation with DH when he calls from work is 54 seconds!! (NT) -- Noelle, 15:49:02 04/29/06 Sat

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• Post Turtle -- DawnaL, 15:03:51 04/29/06 Sat
  While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher,whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to former Texas Governor, George W. Bush and his elevation to the White House. The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him that a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle." The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want to help the dumb shit get down.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

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• Another Kids Say the Darndest Things -- Lily, 05:27:30 04/25/06 Tue
  The Way Children See Things!
  
  NUDITY
  
  I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
  
  HONESTY
  
  My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
  
  OPINIONS
  
  On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
  
  KETCHUP
  
  A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now She's hitting the bottle."
  
  MORE NUDITY
  
  A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
  
  ELDERLY
  
  While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy's never gonna believe this!"
  
  DRESS-UP
  
  A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
  
  "And why not, darling?"
  
  "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.."
  
  DEATH
  
  While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .. and into the hole he gooooes."
  
  SCHOOL
  
  A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
  
  BIBLE
  
  A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Too cute loved the opinions one (NT) -- Carrie R, 06:00:09 04/25/06 Tue
  • My DS happily announced once (he was about 4 then) that he had brushed our dog's teeth with my toothbrush. Eww. I am glad he told me before I used it again. (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 06:58:32 04/25/06 Tue
  • I'm totally sending some of these to my church's secretary. I'm sure these'll end up in our newsletter! (NT) -- Sian Elizabeth, 10:32:44 04/28/06 Fri

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• Psychiatry and Proctology -- LadyLindaS, 11:53:12 04/26/06 Wed
  Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
  "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
  
  The town council was not happy with the sign so the the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
  
  This was not acceptable either so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.
  
  Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.
  
  Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still no good.
  
  Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.
  
  So they tried "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." No way.
  
  "Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.
  
  "Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh.
  
  "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
  
  "Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
  
  Amost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Odds and Ends." Everyone loved it!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

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• funny stuff -- Lady Stormwing, 08:31:29 04/26/06 Wed
  There are a few, so I'm putting them inside to save board space!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • In here >>> Snagged these off Comedy Central this morning -- LS, 08:38:08 04/26/06 Wed

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• Diaries of the dog and the cat! -- alisonb, 05:31:00 04/10/06 Mon
  As seen in a dogs diary:
  7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
  8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
  9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
  Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
  2 PM - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
  3 PM - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
  4 PM - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
  6 PM - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
  7 PM - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
  8 PM - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
  9 PM - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My Favorite!
  11 PM - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My
  Favorite!
  
  As seen in a cat's diary:
  
  Day 1183 of my captivity ... My captors continued to
  taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They
  dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat
  dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the
  hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction that I get
  from clawing their furniture. Tomorrow I will eat
  another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my
  captors by weaving around their feet while they were
  walking- almost succeeded - must try this at the top
  of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse
  these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to
  vomit on their favorite chair. I must remember to try
  this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought
  them the headless body in an attempt to make them
  aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike
  fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended
  about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, that did not
  work according to plan... I was placed in
  solitary after the event. However, I could hear
  the noise and smell the food. More important, I
  overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of
  inducing "allergies." I must learn what this is and
  how I may use It to my advantage. I am convinced the
  other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The
  dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
  return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the
  other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with
  them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move.
  Due to his current placement in the metal room, his
  safety is assured. But I have patience, I can wait, it
  is only a matter of time...
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • We love this in our house! Owners of three dogs, and captors of one cat! (NT) -- Margy, 14:30:50 04/10/06 Mon
  • Oh, someone bugged our house again. Loved this. (NT) -- Wilhelmiina owner of a dog and owned by a cat, 06:38:14 04/12/06 Wed
  • This is really funny. (NT) -- Noelle, 11:56:27 04/16/06 Sun
  • Saw this years ago and loved it. Very funny. (NT) -- Louise_C_H, 04:03:51 04/19/06 Wed
  • HAHAHA, that cat must be related to my DB (dear boyfriend)'s cat. I swear it's trying to kill me! (NT) -- Sian Elizabeth, 08:20:10 04/26/06 Wed

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• I saw a funny bumper stick & HAD to share... -- Donna Mc, 07:24:27 04/19/06 Wed
  VEGETARIAN: old Indian word for 'bad hunter'. *G*
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • HAHAHA!!! DH used to say that "hockey" was an Indian word for "it hurts!" (NT) -- annieo, 16:22:23 04/19/06 Wed
  • That goes right along with one I saw this morning: "Come to the dark side. We have cookies." Gotta love bumper stickers! (NT) -- Lady Stormwing, 07:49:58 04/20/06 Thu
  • haha i love it! i have one that says "Life hasn't been the same since that house fell on my sister!" (NT) -- Sian Elizabeth, 20:10:18 04/25/06 Tue

  ---

• hair cut -- lady elizabeth, 13:24:25 04/25/06 Tue
  HAIR CUT
  A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
  "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."
  Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later, he pulled out his head and look in the mirror, and saw the best haircut of his life. "Would wonders never cease! This futuristic stuff is
  amazing," he thought.
  Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures $10." "Why not?" he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
  The next machine had a sign that read, "Machine provides a
  service men need when away from their wives, 50 Cents."
  "Oh, man.... do I ever need that!" He looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.
  Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member..which now had a button sewn neatly to the end.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

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• Show your emotions! -- Ally Robertson, 05:14:43 04/25/06 Tue
  A very bright psychology student decided to have an end-of-exams party with a twist - you had to come dressed as an emotion.
  
  Waiting at the door on the night of the party, she was amused by the talented entries by other university students, but was able to guess the emotions immediately.
  
  One girl came dressed completely in a skin-tight green dress.
  
  "Let me guess..... you're green with envy!" she said, and was right.
  
  Another man came dressed with a large yellow patch on his belly.
  
  "You're a yellow-bellied coward!". Again, spot-on.
  
  Another girl came in pink - "tickled pink".
  
  She was beginning to be frustrated with the lack of creativity until two very tall, very muscular, and completely naked Jamacian exchange students sauntered up to the door. She nearly fainted. One man had a bowl of custard held up to his (ahem...) 'family jewells', and the other man had his penis completely encased within a very large pear.
  
  "Ummmm.... this is a fancy dress party.... are you sure you're at the right address?" she finally managed to utter.
  
  "Why, of course we are", one of the naked men replied, "we've come as emotions!......
  
  "I'm f*cking dis custard, and he's deep in dis pear."
  

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• When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this. On your way home >>> -- leeleebroch, 15:14:07 04/24/06 Mon
  from
  work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase
  a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get
  this brand.
  When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect
  The phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable
  Clothing and sit in your favorite chair. open the package and removed the
  thermometer.
  Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become
  chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins.
  Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small
  print there is a statement, "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &
  Johnson is personally tested". Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud
  five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the Thermometer quality control
  at Johnson & Johnson."
  HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Ooohhhh yuk!!! (NT) -- Sheila, 17:27:44 04/24/06 Mon
  • Oh man! Jeez! (NT) -- Chirre, 04:51:13 04/25/06 Tue

  ---

• Cuddles -- SueKy, 11:52:10 04/24/06 Mon
  A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
  
  One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
  
  The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
  
  Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
  
  Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
  
  The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
  
  Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
  
  Moral of this story..
  
  Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!
  
  Bonus thought for the day:
  There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

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• Subject: Interesting Mathematical Formulae -- Sheila, 01:34:56 04/24/06 Mon
  What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
  
  Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
  If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
  Then:
  
  H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
  And
  K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
  But,
  A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
  And,
  B-U-L-L -S-H-I-T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
  AND,
  look how far ass kissing will take you.
  A-S-S-K-I-S-S -I-N-G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+ 9+14+7 = 118%
  
  So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you up at the top.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • So this is what maths teachers spent all there spare time doing???...lol (NT) -- Alissa, 02:58:04 04/24/06 Mon
  • Ha! Very funny. (NT) -- Nifty, 06:49:33 04/24/06 Mon

  ---

• Warning -- Alissa, 23:19:51 04/21/06 Fri
  Let this be a warning to you!!!
  
  
  
  Dear Ladies,
  Hoax warnings don't usually scare me, but this one is important.
  Please tell this to everyone you know.
  If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a survey and asks you to show them your arse, DO NOT show them your arse.
  This is a scam; they just want to see your arse.
  I wish I was told this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • I have a visual here Alissa! (NT) -- Sheila, 23:25:46 04/21/06 Fri
  • BUTT what if gb is conducting the survey? (NT) -- oorjanie, 14:52:58 04/22/06 Sat
    • I wouldn't want to do that until he is safely inside my door with it dead bolted so he cant escape*G*. (NT) -- Alissa, 21:03:18 04/22/06 Sat
      • you have a deadbolt on your bedroom door? hehe (NT) -- oorjanie, 10:12:53 04/23/06 Sun
        • I do actually have a lock on my bedroom door!!!! ya never know ya ken;-) (NT) -- Alissa, 16:30:13 04/23/06 Sun
          • well you are far more well prepared for gb then i ! haha (NT) -- oorjanie, 19:34:58 04/23/06 Sun
  • This actually reminds me of a news story I read yesterday about a man who was arrested after going door to door offering free breast exams. Can you believe 2 women fell for that. One lady said she got suspicious when he began to give a pelvic exam with no gloves. How dim witted can you be?? Police discovered the man was a driver for a local auto dealer. GROSS!!! (NT) -- RisaB, 15:40:35 04/22/06 Sat
    • eeewww...eeewwww....eeeeewwwwww...say it isn't so!!! (NT) -- Noelle, 09:55:28 04/23/06 Sun

  ---

• Good one!!! -- Alissa, 23:14:54 04/21/06 Fri
  While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
  The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love ,asked, "What's your hurry?"
  
  To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
  Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
  I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
  The cop stammered, "A what?
  A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum
  stretcher do?
  "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers,
  then three, then four, then with my whole hand in,
  work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
  "And just what the hell do you do with
  a 6 foot a*sehole?" he asked.
  "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a
  bridge..."
  Traffic Ticket
  $105.00
  Court Costs. $45.00
  Look on the Cop's Face...................
  PRICELESS
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Oh snerk, we have a policeman in the family. Don't know that he would appreciate this, but I do! (NT) -- Sheila, 23:24:23 04/21/06 Fri
  • I've heard this one before but had forgotten about it. Thanks for sharing, cause it's one of my favorites. (NT) -- Whiskey Eyes, 09:50:46 04/22/06 Sat

  ---

• Knowing that some of you are easily offended, I'll put this one inside -- Margy, 00:40:23 04/18/06 Tue
  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:
  • In Here >>> -- Margy, 00:41:54 04/18/06 Tue
    • Bwahahahahaha! (NT) -- Leigh (does this mean I am going straight to Hell?), 04:21:58 04/20/06 Thu
  • Snerk - I am obviously not! (NT) -- Sheila, 03:59:35 04/18/06 Tue
  • Another Inside......... -- Rebeccab, 06:48:08 04/18/06 Tue
  • Along the same lines>>>>> -- Wee, 19:23:03 04/20/06 Thu
    • HAHAHAHA!!!! good one!! straight to confession for you!!! (NT) -- annieo, 20:29:24 04/20/06 Thu
      • (NT) -- Wee, 13:35:59 04/21/06 Fri
    • Love it and had nearly posted it myself! Great minds, eh? (NT) -- Tooki, 21:22:09 04/21/06 Fri
  • Another like RebeccaB's>>> -- Tooki, 21:25:38 04/21/06 Fri

  ---

• Vaginas are like flowers -- Nifty, 07:59:25 04/20/06 Thu
  I was watching comedy central this weekend and they had a male comedian on, doing his schtick. He was talking about flowers -- how women love to get flowers. And of course the women in the audience cheered. He went on to talk about flowers for a few minutes and then he said, "I like flowers. They're pretty and they smell nice." Long pause, as he gathered his thoughts. "You know," he said, as if the thought had just popped into his head. "Vaginas are like flowers."
  
  {Pause, as the audience waited expectantly for the next bit.}
  
  "They're pretty..."
  
  {Pause}
  (Pause....)
  (Pause........}
  
  Yep, that was it. I laughed hysterically, and so did the audience.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE -- annieo, 03:52:40 04/19/06 Wed
  Law of Mechanical Repair:
  After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
  
  Law of the Workshop:
  Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
  
  Law of Probability:
  The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
  
  Law of the Telephone:
  If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
  
  Law of the Alibi:
  If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
  
  Variation Law:
  If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
  
  Law of the Bath:
  When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
  
  Law of Close Encounters:
  The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
  
  Law of the Result:
  When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
  
  Law of Biomechanics:
  The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
  
  Law of the Theatre:
  At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
  
  Law of Coffee:
  As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
  
  Murphy's Law of Lockers:
  If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
  
  Law of Rugs/Carpets:
  The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
  
  Law of Location:
  No matter where you go, there you are.
  
  Law of Logical Argument:
  Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
  
  Brown's Law:
  If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
  
  Oliver's Law:
  A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  
  Wilson's Law:
  As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • The last was the best - and sooooooo true.... (NT) -- Margit, 02:12:37 04/20/06 Thu

  ---

• The Cajun Job-seeker -- Tooki, 16:32:56 04/17/06 Mon
  A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
  "Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
  
  "Without numbers?" the Cajun says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.
  "What's this?" the boss asks.
  
  "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.
  
  "Fair enough," says the boss "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
  
  The Cajun stares into space for awhile, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
  
  The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
  
  "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "all right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
  
  The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
  
  The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" (Thought you'd like this one)
  
  The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.....So, when I start?!"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Hee!! As a Houston hoser with family connections in Cajun country, I like this one! (NT) -- Lisser, 09:24:19 04/18/06 Tue

  ---

• grandpa -- lady elizabeth, 04:02:32 04/15/06 Sat
  A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.
  
  The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
  
  "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
  
  The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • ROTFL! Loved that! Reminded me of the one about the cowboy boots. I'll stick it inside, though it's about a year since it was posted here >> -- Tooki, 16:25:38 04/17/06 Mon
    • Ha ha, should have scrolled on down! There is is again! (NT) -- Tooki, 16:26:50 04/17/06 Mon

  ---

• Gray Grin -- SueKy, 13:02:35 04/17/06 Mon
  TODAY'S GRAY GRIN:
  
  Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young
  chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a beautiful rose tattooed on one boob.
  
  One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing. She doesn't know it, but in 50 years
  she'll have a long-stemmed rose in a hanging basket."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Don't step on the ducks. -- Florence, 19:51:06 04/16/06 Sun
  Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
  
  When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
  
  
  
  So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
  
  
  
  Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
  
  St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
  
  
  
  The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
  
  
  
  The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on, very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
  
  
  
  St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
  
  The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
  
  
  
  The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Oh too mean (NT) -- Sheila, 00:49:38 04/17/06 Mon
  • Auch :) (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 10:47:32 04/17/06 Mon

  ---

• Happy Easter! -- Melva T, 11:53:59 04/16/06 Sun
  After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy
  decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and
  replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.
  
  A few minutes later the rooster walked in, saw all the
  colored eggs, then stormed outside and beat up the peacock!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Very funny! (NT) -- Sheila, 17:58:02 04/16/06 Sun

  ---

• Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - -- LadyLindaS, 12:56:53 04/07/06 Fri
  First testimony:
  I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word...
  he knew better.
  
  Second testimony:
  I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the "women's" type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes,
  I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
  who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
  Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"
  
  Third testimony:
  My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
  My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
  
  Fourth testimony:
  While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust
  and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
  To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now,
  I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this lightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and
  walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
  
  Fifth testimony:
  Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
  My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch ,in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
  I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny
  had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an ccident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better,
  thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
  
  Last but not least testimony:
  This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
  and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • OMG!! I can't breathe!! (NT) -- kgp, 16:09:03 04/07/06 Fri
  • Oh thank you thank you. I have my breath back now. I've seen these before but laugh until i cry every time. They are hilarious (probably because we can all imagine ourselves in these situations.) (NT) -- annieo, 20:00:16 04/07/06 Fri
  • me too, nearly suffocated trying to restrain my laughter so as not to wake up the others (NT) -- Leslie, 23:17:23 04/07/06 Fri
  • Ohhhhhhhhh! I have the entire office stearing at me right now! Sweet Jeez! (NT) -- Chirre, 02:50:03 04/11/06 Tue
  • Oh My God!!!! I always thought it was just me, cos I too have a tendency to speak before I think, and had all my friends laughing about something like that several times. (NT) -- Lady Morilka, 12:37:18 04/16/06 Sun

  ---

• These were just so clever, I had to post them. -- Whiskey Eyes, 07:31:53 04/14/06 Fri
  The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
  
  1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
  
  2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
  
  3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
  
  4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
  
  5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
  
  6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
  
  7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
  
  8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  
  9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
  
  10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
  
  11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
  
  12 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
  
  13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
  
  14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  
  15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
  
  16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan, in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
  
  17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
  
  And the pick of the literature:
  
  18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • HAHAHAH!!!! These are even better than last year's ....too funny! I have to send these ones out. (NT) -- leeleebroch <font size=1>heeheehee</font>, 09:54:25 04/14/06 Fri
  • Oh those are so clever! I love 'em. (NT) -- Rebeccab, 11:55:36 04/14/06 Fri
  • ...laughing...laughing...laughing...verra clever, loved them. (NT) -- Brookita, 22:20:36 04/14/06 Fri
  • Just wondeful! (NT) -- Sheila, 01:35:34 04/15/06 Sat

  ---

• Margaret & Bert -- Sheila, 01:51:34 04/13/06 Thu
  An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in California.
  Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: 'Notice anything different about me?'
  
  Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'
  
  Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
  
  Margaret looks up and says, ' Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'
  
  Furious, Bert yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
  
  'Nope', she replies.
  
  'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'
  
  Margaret replies... 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert, Shoulda bought a hat.'
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Love this! (NT) -- alisonb, 05:22:13 04/13/06 Thu

  ---

• DOCTOR'S RECEPTIONIST -- Leigh, 17:28:20 04/11/06 Tue
  An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
  
  In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
  
  All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • *Snort* - good one Leigh. DOn't you just wish you had the spine to do something like this?? (NT) -- Sheila, 02:35:51 04/12/06 Wed
    • I have the spine, but not the quick wit, unfortunately! :-D (NT) -- Leigh, 14:44:19 04/12/06 Wed
    • Does it not drive you mad? Like two hours later - or sometimes two weeks -you come up with a great and very witty answer *lol* (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 23:38:52 04/12/06 Wed

  ---

• You just never know! -- Sheila, 20:41:25 04/10/06 Mon
  A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
  
  While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
  
  While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a women in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
  
  His wife responds: " He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • OMGaaaawd! :D (NT) -- Chirre, 02:42:38 04/11/06 Tue
  • Sorry.. I cannot find anything to laugh about as I consider the above occasion as a rape and just the thought of it makes me feel bad only.. (NT) -- Margit, 04:46:55 04/11/06 Tue
    • FWIW Its a joke!!!!! not to be taken seriously. IMHO. (NT) -- ValerieF, 11:22:59 04/11/06 Tue
      • Unfortunately I cannot take rape as a joke in any circumstances. Nor any woman (or man) who has to live with the memory of it. (NT) -- Margit, 23:11:13 04/11/06 Tue
        • Margit - I am sorry this offends you, it was not intended to do so. (NT) -- Sheila, 02:51:12 04/12/06 Wed
  • HAHAHAHAHA! (NT) -- Leigh, 17:34:42 04/11/06 Tue
  • LMAO. Verra funny!!!!! (NT) -- Alissa, 21:03:47 04/11/06 Tue

  ---

• Irish Prostitute -- Cillian, 23:15:14 04/08/06 Sat
  
  
  An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
  
  Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
  
  The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
  
  "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
  
  "OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."
  
  "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
  
  Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
  
  Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
  
  "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • LAMO!! -- Keeli, 06:12:57 04/09/06 Sun
  • *snerk!* Good one! (NT) -- Leigh, 17:31:34 04/11/06 Tue

  ---

• Diferences -- Keitaya, 16:34:43 04/10/06 Mon
  What is the diference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?
  
  Mick says "Hey you, get off my cloud" and the scotsman says "Hey Mcloud, get off my ewe"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Bwahahahaha! An oldie, but a goodie! (NT) -- Leigh, 17:29:55 04/11/06 Tue

  ---

• Apples and Wine -- alisonb, 04:55:17 04/10/06 Mon
  Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right person to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
  
  Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the sh*t out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
  
  Share this with all the good apples you know.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • I like that one haha (NT) -- Gwen, 12:00:22 04/11/06 Tue

  ---

• Corporate Lessons -- annieo, 18:59:03 04/10/06 Mon
  CORPORATE LESSON 1
  
  A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
  
  Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
  
  The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
  
  "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
  
  Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
  
  CORPORATE LESSON 2
  
  A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand down to her leg.
  
  The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide down to her leg again.
  
  The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized, "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
  
  Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory."
  
  Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
  
  CORPORATE LESSON 3
  
  A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
  
  "Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
  
  "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, with an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
  
  "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
  
  The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
  
  Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
  
  CORPORATE LESSON 4
  
  A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
  A rabbit asked him, "Can I a also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
  
  The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
  So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
  A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
  
  Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing,
  you must be sitting very high up.
  
  CORPORATE LESSON 5
  
  A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," the turkey sighed, but I haven't got the energy."
  
  "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
  
  The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
  
  He was soon spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
  
  Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top,
  but it won't keep you there.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • LOLOLOL - these are very good!!! thanks! :) (NT) -- Mac., 06:13:16 04/11/06 Tue

  ---

• *happy birthday toes* -- oorjanie, 13:14:49 03/29/06 Wed
  An old fellow was celebrating 72 years on this Earth. He spoke to his toes.
  
  "Hello, toes!" he said. "How are you, toes? You know, you are 72 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!"
  
  "Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you're 72 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday knees!"
  
  Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger, if you were alive today, you'd be 72."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • happy birthday toes -- keitaya, 02:01:08 04/11/06 Tue

  ---

• Words of Navajo Wisdom -- annieo, 08:25:05 04/09/06 Sun
  About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface.
  
  Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.
  
  Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel.
  
  Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
  
  The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not.
  
  Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate.
  
  Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • LOL Love it!! (NT) -- Florence, 08:37:01 04/09/06 Sun
  • This was a good one! (NT) -- TheréseM, 14:01:47 04/09/06 Sun

  ---

• Don't Mess With Grandma -- Tooki, 21:54:28 04/08/06 Sat
  Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked “Mrs. Jones, do you know me”? She responded, why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you are a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
  
  The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney? “She again replied, “Why yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him.” The defense attorney almost died.
  
  The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, I’ll throw you in jail for contempt.”
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • *Snort* (NT) -- Sheila, 02:40:29 04/09/06 Sun

  ---

• They are smarter than you think -- SueKy, 12:19:53 04/07/06 Fri
  The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their
  8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with
  a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
  
  He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
  
  "There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
  A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"
  A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.
  "Matt's riding a new bike....."
  A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving"
  "Jason is on his skate board...."
  A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
  
  Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
  
  Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?"
  "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • ROFL!!!! (NT) -- annieo, 20:01:51 04/07/06 Fri

  ---

• no sex since 1955 -- oorjanie, 13:40:37 04/04/06 Tue
  A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
  
  "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
  
  "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
  
  "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
  
  "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
  
  The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
  
  The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
  
  Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
  
  "1955, ma'am."
  
  "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private
  room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
  
  Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
  
  The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • LOL!! Love it! :D (NT) -- leeleebroch, 15:12:17 04/04/06 Tue
    • Who thinks these up? tooo funny (send it to army friends - they'll burst with pride, don't you think? (NT) -- Leslie, 22:06:12 04/04/06 Tue
  • Bwahahahahaa! (NT) -- Leigh, 00:29:53 04/05/06 Wed

  ---

• The Blonde Cowboy -- Lolkate via Tooki, 01:08:17 03/31/06 Fri
  The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
  
  As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?”
  
  The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
  “We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt.. so I did.
  “Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did.
  “Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did.
  Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy...."
  And here I am.
  
  
  Son of a Gun, Blonde Men do exist.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • hahahaha, didn't actually see that coming!!! (NT) -- alisonb, 04:40:21 03/31/06 Fri
  • Hah! :) (NT) -- Chirre, 03:56:06 04/04/06 Tue

  ---

• Negative people -- Melva T, 14:11:36 03/31/06 Fri
  A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
  Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser,
  who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded
  and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
  
  "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
  
  "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
  
  Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're
  always late.
  
  So, where are you staying in Rome?"
  
  "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River
  called Teste."
  
  "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna
  be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst
  hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they
  are overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
  
  "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
  
  "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people
  are trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on
  this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
  
  A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
  asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the
  woman,"Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new
  planes, but it was over booked and they bumped us up to first class.
  The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old
  steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great!
  They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel,
  the finest hotel in the city.
  
  They, too were over booked, so they apologized and gave us their
  owner's suite at no extra charge!"
  
  "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
  you didn't get to see the Pope."
  
  "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
  Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes
  to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his
  private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough,
  five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand,
  I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me."
  
  "Oh, really! What'd he say?"
  
  "He said: "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • HA! HA! HA! HA! (NT) -- wee, 14:21:59 03/31/06 Fri
  • Good one!!!! thanks for the morning laugh!! (NT) -- annieo, 04:09:34 04/03/06 Mon
  • Ha ha. (NT) -- Louise_C_H, 07:11:06 04/03/06 Mon
  • *giggle* (NT) -- Chirre, 03:52:37 04/04/06 Tue

  ---

• Something to think about... I hope -- Margit, 04:25:37 03/30/06 Thu
  This scene took place on a BA flight between Johannesburg, South Africa and London, England.
  
  A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air hostess.
  "You obviously do not see it then?" she responded. "You placed me next to a black man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat."
  "Be calm please," the hostess replied. "Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available."
  The hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later.
  "Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the Economy Class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is also no seat in the Business Class. All the same, we still have one place in the First Class."
  Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued."It is not usual for our company to permit someone from the Economy Class to sit in the First Class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to
  someone sooooo disgusting."
  
  She turned to the black guy, and said, "Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in First Class."
  
  At that moment, the other passengers, who'd been shocked by what they had just witnessed, stood up and applauded.
  
  This is said to be a true story.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • I got this in an email today and loved it! (NT) -- Sheila, 05:53:24 03/30/06 Thu
  • (NT) -- Lisser, 09:37:03 03/30/06 Thu
  • I love this! (NT) -- nimbus, 09:51:13 04/03/06 Mon

  ---

• OOPS -- Sheila, 05:54:29 03/30/06 Thu
  A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
  looks over at him and asks the question....
  
  WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
  
  HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
  
  WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
  
  HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
  
  WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
  
  HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
  
  WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
  
  HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
  
  WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
  
  HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
  
  WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
  
  HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
  
  WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
  
  HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
  
  WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
  
  HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
  
  WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
  
  HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
  
  WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
  
  HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
  
  WIFE: -- total silence --
  
  HUSBAND: "F*CK"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • BWAAAA! I almost spewed my Diet Coke all over my computer! Didn't see that coming! (NT) -- Lisser, 09:38:23 03/30/06 Thu
  • ROFL I did´t see that coming! Good thing I already finished my coffee before. *g* (NT) -- Lady Morilka, 01:44:48 04/02/06 Sun

  ---

• Penis Measuring Scale -- SueP, 14:07:34 03/20/06 Mon
  There is now a new scale for measuring penises :
  
  'Small', 'Medium', 'Large', 'Oh My God!', 'Holy F**K!', and "Does that come in white' ??!!"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • I find this one offensive and rascist (NT) -- time traveller, 10:41:31 03/21/06 Tue
    • Funny how everyone's opinions differ. Sorry you were offended. I personally don't find it any more or less racist than the joke directly below which offers a stereotype of irish people being drunks. For the record I found both jokes cute and silly and just *jokes*. (NT) -- KarynM, 11:27:03 03/21/06 Tue
    • I must be dense because I don't get anything racist from this. And secondly, if you want to complain you could use your real name. I don't know anyone named "time traveller" around these parts! (no pun intended) Not to mention, SueP asked me about this joke beforehand and I told her go ahead and post it. I saw nothing wrong with it. I've seen WORSE on this board! (NT) -- Judie, 14:04:10 03/21/06 Tue
    • I loved this and I have friends in many different shades of skin. BTW, there is a warning on top about jokes being possibly "risque". (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 02:37:22 03/22/06 Wed
  • Loved it. One of the reasons I love this page is the wondeful jokes people are posting. (NT) -- Sabine, 10:13:26 03/24/06 Fri
  • Hilarious!! and my sister's DBF (who is black) also loved it!! Nothing racist about it - unless of course you count that it puts down white penises! ;) {how do you spell the plural of penis, btw?} (NT) -- Shanabee, 12:26:04 03/24/06 Fri
  • ...penisi? or peni - as in cacti? (NT) -- Sara G., 13:37:24 03/24/06 Fri
    • *VBG* (NT) -- Shanabee, 16:13:20 03/25/06 Sat
  • and what about "ENORME!"??? (NT) -- annieo, 06:04:52 03/26/06 Sun
    • There's always an exception to the rule! *VBEG* (NT) -- Tooki, 16:18:19 03/30/06 Thu

  ---

• Lottery winner -- Sue R, 13:17:29 03/28/06 Tue
  A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the darn lottery!"
  
  The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach
  stuff or mountain stuff?"
  
  "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Bwahahhahahah! :) (NT) -- Chirre, 05:08:51 03/29/06 Wed
  • OMG, LMAO, Love it! (NT) -- MelW, 11:45:44 03/30/06 Thu

  ---

• Take a number... -- Lisser, 07:36:09 03/30/06 Thu
  Because I've been having one of those weeks at work, I thought this was apropo... *G*
  
  
  The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the maximum safeload capacity on my butt is two persons at a time unless I install handrails or safety straps. As you have arrived sixth in line to RIDE MY ASS today, please take a number and wait your turn.
  Thank you.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Stray Cats -- kgp, 11:23:12 03/28/06 Tue
  Stray cats always seem to find their way to a horse farm. And we all have our ways of dealing with them but there does seem to be a pattern with all of us:
  
  Stray cats will not be fed.
  Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
  Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
  Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
  Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
  Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
  Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
  Stray cats will be permitted on furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal rope scratching post with three perches.
  Stray cats will sleep outside.
  Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
  Stray cats will sleep in the house, but not in our bed.
  Stray cats will sleep in our bed, but not under the covers.
  Stray cats will not play on the desk.
  Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
  Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is using it.
  Stray cats will not CJDJBEFUBEDBVKJB KNCX ZXMNLJN!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Amen to that! Somehow this is always the case at my aunt's farm! (NT) -- Lady Stormwing, 16:19:43 03/28/06 Tue
  • HAHAHA!! This is so true. Juju (on these boards) got me some stray cats for my barn, and now they live in the house and are most entertaining and useful!! (no mice, no rats - they're doing their job.) (NT) -- annieo, 04:29:06 03/29/06 Wed
  • Yep, sounds like the way we aquired Felix. (NT) -- Margy, 12:18:15 03/29/06 Wed
  • Yup, the age old truth. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. Even stray cats..... (NT) -- Tooki, 17:17:39 03/29/06 Wed
  • I was telling this joke to my family but my cat invaded my personal space so intensely that I had to stop 'cause I almost got my mouth full of cat hair. (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 23:15:29 03/29/06 Wed

  ---

• The New Husband Store -- Tooki, 17:14:43 03/29/06 Wed
  A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
  
  You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
  
  There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
  
  The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
  
  
  So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
  
  The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
  
  The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
  
  She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
  
  "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
  
  She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
  
  
  To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
  
  The first floor has wives that love sex.
  
  The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
  
  The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • heeehheeeehhheeee! (NT) -- leslie, 20:41:24 03/29/06 Wed

  ---

• Traffic Stop -- Lady Elizabeth, 12:21:25 03/27/06 Mon
  A man and his wife were stopped by a policeman for speeding. The man started to complain that he wasn't speeding an his wife pipe up "Yes Officer, the radar detector didn't even go off!"
  
  "Radar dectectors are illegal, sir" the officer sai, "I'll have to give you another ticket."
  
  "WOMAN" the man yelled, "When are you going to learn to keep your PIE HOLE SHUT!"
  
  The officer turned to the wife and asked "Does he always speak to you like that mam?"
  
  "Only when he's been drinking" she replied.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• What I Learned from My Boys -- Mary, 07:02:18 03/25/06 Sat
  The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas ... Things I've learned from my boys (honest and not kidding):
  
  1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
  
  2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
  
  3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
  
  4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
  
  5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
  
  6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
  
  7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
  
  8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke -- lots of it.
  
  9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
  
  10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.
  
  11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
  
  12.) Super glue is forever.
  
  13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
  
  14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
  
  15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
  
  16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
  
  17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
  
  18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
  
  19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
  
  20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
  
  21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
  
  22) The spin cycle on the washing machine will, however, make cats dizzy.
  
  23.) Cats throw up twice their b ody weight when dizzy.
  
  24.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
  
  25.) 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
  
  a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical.
  
  b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
  
  c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
  
  d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
  
  e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • I think this is hysterically funny - and I have two boys (NT) -- Leslie, 12:27:45 03/25/06 Sat
  • No children - and ROFLMFWAO!!! (NT) -- SueP, 13:39:57 03/26/06 Sun
  • LMAO.......my DH is definately a #24!!!! I'll make sure he never sees this! (NT) -- Michelle C, 16:18:27 03/26/06 Sun
  • Hahaha! I haven't had children yet, but with 5 cousins that age running around the house, I know exactly what they mean. And of course, I did that too when I was little, especially #7. I was a pro. (NT) -- Sian Elizabeth, 10:31:58 03/27/06 Mon

  ---

• The Abbey Parrots -- Tooki, 18:53:05 03/26/06 Sun
  The abbot of a monastery and the prioress of a convent were talking one day. The abbot tells the prioress of a pair of male parrots that live in his monastery. "They pray and recite the rosary all day long, every day."
  
  The prioress responds by telling the abbot of a pair of female parrots that live in her convent. "Their first home was a whorehouse, so all they ever learned how to say is 'I'm a dirty whore. F**k me!'"
  
  The abbot suggests that perhaps putting the two dirty-mouthed parrots in contact with his very religious parrots might cure their fowl :-) language. So, the prioress brings the two parrots to the monastery and they watch as the two pairs of parrots meet each other.
  
  The two monastery parrots continue their prayers and rosary counting for a moment until the two whorehouse parrots say something: "I'm a dirty whore. F**k me!"
  
  One of the monastery parrots turns to the other and says, "We can lose the beads now, Fred. Our prayers have been answered."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Whoops, trigger happy posting finger! (NT) -- Tooki, 18:54:54 03/26/06 Sun

  ---

• The Abbey Parrots -- Tooki, 18:53:03 03/26/06 Sun
  The abbot of a monastery and the prioress of a convent were talking one day. The abbot tells the prioress of a pair of male parrots that live in his monastery. "They pray and recite the rosary all day long, every day."
  
  The prioress responds by telling the abbot of a pair of female parrots that live in her convent. "Their first home was a whorehouse, so all they ever learned how to say is 'I'm a dirty whore. F**k me!'"
  
  The abbot suggests that perhaps putting the two dirty-mouthed parrots in contact with his very religious parrots might cure their fowl :-) language. So, the prioress brings the two parrots to the monastery and they watch as the two pairs of parrots meet each other.
  
  The two monastery parrots continue their prayers and rosary counting for a moment until the two whorehouse parrots say something: "I'm a dirty whore. F**k me!"
  
  One of the monastery parrots turns to the other and says, "We can lose the beads now, Fred. Our prayers have been answered."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• One for all the chocaholics I notice around here.... -- Sheila, 02:10:14 03/26/06 Sun
  The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
  
  DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
  SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
  SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
  ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
  
  DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
  SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
  SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
  ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
  
  DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
  SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
  SAFEST: Here's my pay check.
  ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
  
  DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
  SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
  SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
  ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate
  
  DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
  SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
  SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
  ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.
  
  13 Things PMS Stands For
  1. Pass My Shotgun
  2. Psychotic Mood Shift
  3. Perpetual Munching Spree
  4. Puffy Mid-Section
  5. People Make me Sick
  6. Provide Me with Sweets
  7. Pardon My Sobbing
  8. Pimples May Surface
  9. Pass My Sweatpants
  10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
  11. Plainly; Men Suck
  12. Pack My Stuff
  And my favourite one...
  13. Potential Murder Suspect
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • ROTFL!! (NT) -- Noelle, 10:53:56 03/26/06 Sun
  • LMAO.....love #5 & #11...hahaha! (NT) -- Marilyn, 15:07:10 03/26/06 Sun

  ---

• Efficiency hits a new high. -- Florence, 20:45:36 03/24/06 Fri
  A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for
  an
  organization.
  
  Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and
  noticed
  that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
  pocket.
  
  It seemed a little strange.
  
  When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also
  had a
  spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the
  staff had
  spoons in their pockets.
  
  When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the
  spoon?"
  "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen
  Consulting
  to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they
  concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
  It
  represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per
  hour.
  If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of
  trips
  back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
  
  As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to
  replace it
  with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the
  kitchen
  instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
  
  I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging
  out of
  the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had
  strings
  hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the
  waiter,
  "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right
  there?"
  
  "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so
  observant.
  That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save
  time in
  the restroom By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we
  can pull
  it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,
  shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.
  
  I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
  
  "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use
  the
  spoon."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • eeeewwwww (NT) -- Carrie R, 21:35:42 03/24/06 Fri
  • Oh double eeeewwwwww!!!! (NT) -- Sheila, 20:23:27 03/25/06 Sat

  ---

• rubber gloves -- oorjanie, 20:12:18 03/23/06 Thu
  How Rubber Gloves Are Made
  Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves you can remember this joke:
  A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
  "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
  "No, I don't."
  "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of
  latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their
  hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into
  boxes
  of the right size."
  She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
  But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
  she burst out laughing.
  "What's so funny?" he asked.
  "I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
  Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always
  working!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Eeewww! The visuals are not good! (NT) -- Sheila, 17:10:10 03/24/06 Fri

  ---

• Annual Physical -- Traci_Mc, 11:04:01 03/24/06 Fri
  70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"
  
  George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off."
  
  "Wow!" commented Dr. Smith. "That's incredible!"
  
  A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
  
  
  "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"
  
  
  Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my Gosh! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Teeheehee! (NT) -- Whiskey Eyes, 12:14:53 03/24/06 Fri

  ---

• Took me 30 seconds after I read it to get it, hope you're quicker than me! (and not easily offended) -- Sheila, 02:31:08 03/23/06 Thu
  A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
  Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.
  
  When one of them was washing her private area and noticed
  that there was a slight response on the monitor when she
  touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.
  
  They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,
  "As crazy as this sounds,maybe a little oral sex will do
  the trick and bring her out of the coma."
  
  The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
  
  The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
  After a few minutes, the woman's monitor flat lined, no
  pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room.
  "What happened!?" they cried.
  
  The husband said, "I'm not sure; maybe she choked
  

  Last edited by author: Thu March 23, 2006 02:34:55   Edited 2 times.
  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • No, I had to read the end twice too, then I burst out laughing! (NT) -- Margy, 11:27:17 03/23/06 Thu
  • LMAO!!! (NT) -- leeleebroch, 16:09:55 03/23/06 Thu
  • Just like a man! *G* I'd heard this one before, but it still cracked me up! (NT) -- Leigh, 18:05:56 03/23/06 Thu
  • haha too feckin funny! (NT) -- oorjanie, 08:25:06 03/24/06 Fri

  ---

• Another Paddy's one... -- leeleebroch, 14:45:27 03/20/06 Mon
  So, a couple of Irishmen named Pat and Mike walk out of a bar.
  
  
  
  
  Hey, it could happen. ;)
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • ROFL! (NT) -- Leigh, 16:21:57 03/21/06 Tue
  • My mum loved this one :) (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 02:47:26 03/24/06 Fri

  ---

• A St. Patrick's Day Joke -- Leigh, 18:03:03 03/16/06 Thu
  
  
  
  Q: What is Irish and stays out all night?
  
  
  
  A: Paddy O'Furniture!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • ROFL!!!!!!!!! I'm so lame to be laughing at this one. :D (NT) -- Judie, 22:36:31 03/22/06 Wed

  ---

• What will they think of next... -- devenhuis, 21:39:16 02/01/06 Wed
  Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade named: BOOK
  
  BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.
  
  Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works:
  
  BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information.
  
  The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder,which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.
  
  Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKs with more information simply use more pages.
  
  Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.
  
  Unlike other display devices, BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, and it can even be dropped on the floor or stepped on without damage.
  However, it can become unusable if immersed in water for a significant period of time. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of selected information for instant retrieval.
  
  An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.
  
  You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
  
  Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • I LOVE this one. I was just shaking my head the other day reading about e-books. Give me the smell of paper and ink! (NT) -- TanyaB, 11:27:33 02/02/06 Thu
  • This is too good. (NT) -- LaurenG, 14:16:18 02/02/06 Thu
  • I love it! I must have it! I'll go online and order one as soon as I reboot. (NT) -- kgp, 07:16:26 02/03/06 Fri
  • Love it! Would the book shelve then be a server? (NT) -- Lady Morilka, 03:20:24 02/06/06 Mon
  • *hugs her very own BOOK* (NT) -- Sian Elizabeth, 18:42:03 03/21/06 Tue

  ---

• Catholic catechism -- devenhuis, 12:18:18 03/21/06 Tue
  Little Mary Margaret was not the best student at St Peter's. Usually she slept thru class.
  One day, the nun who taught the class called on her while she was sleeping.
  "Tell me, Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
  When Margaret Mary didn't stir, her friend Johnny, who sat in the seat behind her, took his pencil & jabbed her in the rear.
  "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
  "Very good," said the nun, and continued teaching.
  A little later, she came back to Mary Margaret and asked, "Who is our Lord & Savior?"
  But Mary was asleep again & didn't answer. Johnny jabbed her again.
  "Jesus Christ!" she shouted, and the nun again said "Very good." Mary drifted off once more.
  The nun asked her a 3rd question...
  "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?"
  Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time, Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
  The nun fainted.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • LOL i love it too funny (NT) -- Carrie R, 13:16:45 03/21/06 Tue

  ---

• Another one for St Pat -- Lady Stormwing, 18:29:21 03/17/06 Fri
  Why did God invent whiskey?
  
  
  
  
  ...To keep the Irish from taking over the world.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Funny pick-up line -- Lady Vermillion, 16:00:23 03/17/06 Fri
  You must be Irish...because my p*nis is Dublin!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Another one for St. Pats -- Marilyn, 06:09:19 03/17/06 Fri
  
  Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
  
  The man said, "I do, Father."
  
  The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
  
  Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
  
  "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
  
  "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
  
  Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
  
  O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
  
  The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
  
  O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• One for St Patrick's Day -- Tooki, 12:51:58 03/16/06 Thu
  An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
  
  "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
  
  So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
  
  "Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10 pound note appears.
  
  "This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. What do you want me to do?"
  
  "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.
  
  The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear .
  
  "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er . How moch was in dare den?"
  
  The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."
  
  "Ah, dat'd be roit, says the Irishman
  
  (Wait for it...........scroll down.)
  
  
  
  
  
  I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • LMAO! (NT) -- Leigh, 18:07:24 03/16/06 Thu
  • :) (NT) -- Chirre, 04:48:00 03/17/06 Fri

  ---