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Post your jokes here!

Please be aware that the jokes may get risque. Enter at your own risk. *g* But if they get TOO out there I reserve the option to delete them, so let's try and keep them relatively "clean". Thanks.

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I just wanna say THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU to Aussiewench for so many FABBBBB jokes :):):) -- ali cat, 12:13:59 11/17/10 Wed
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Replies:
- Yes, yes yes!!! I enjoy them a lot!! Keep 'em coming! (NT) -- TanyaB, 10:00:35 11/18/10 Thu
- Me too! I'm lovng the jokes. (NT) -- LadyGrace, 10:55:07 11/18/10 Thu
  - Sorry been gone for 2 days...... I am SO happy that you all appreciate them, at least I am not the only one with a warped sense of humour :-) and I do try to post only the 'cleaner' ones :-) (NT) -- Aussiewench, 22:53:39 11/18/10 Thu
    - Keep 'em coming, Aussiewench. I for one appreciate the "less clean" ones *G*. (NT) -- Scarlet A - appreciator of fine dirty jokes, 10:17:05 11/19/10 Fri
      - Yes Scarlet.......... I appreciate a good dirty joke as well ...however its a fine line sometimes and I really dont want to offend...if I get some REALLY good ones I'll get your email and send them to you personally :-) (NT) -- Aussiewench, 12:22:44 11/19/10 Fri
- Me too, Aussiewench you have the best jokes, and I dinna mind the off-colour ones either. If I'm offended I'll get over it. (NT) -- jayn, 13:23:41 11/20/10 Sat
An old one :-) and a clean one too hahaha ...bet you didnt think I had any -- Aussiewench, 15:05:15 11/19/10 Fri
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'

Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me.
I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him.
Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'

Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that. OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me.
When would you like to play?'

Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night.'

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:-) -- Aussiewench, 23:57:39 11/16/10 Tue
Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

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Replies:
- love it! (NT) -- Lady Stormwing, 14:27:51 11/17/10 Wed
- I'm sharing this one! (NT) -- Lady Cate, 07:06:18 11/19/10 Fri
:-) -- Aussiewench, 00:26:03 11/17/10 Wed
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to a local ,
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements..'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar……' --

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Replies:
- Very funny ! (NT) -- AmandaW in NZ!, 15:00:30 11/18/10 Thu
  - Hope you not offended Amanda..... ??? (NT) -- Aussiewench, 22:57:04 11/18/10 Thu
:-) oooh I just love this one -- Aussiewench, 00:22:45 11/17/10 Wed
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

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Replies:
- Heee! (NT) -- Scarlet A, 12:22:11 11/17/10 Wed
:-) -- Aussiewench, 00:29:51 11/17/10 Wed
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster
and ten hens

he kept in the hen house behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass,
he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about cock fights in the village,
so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation,

'Has anybody got a cock?'

All the men stood up.

'No, no,'
he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock?'

All the women stood up.

'No, no,'
he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cockthat doesn't belong to them?'

Half the women stood up.

'No, no,'
he said,
'that wasn'twhat I meant.

Has anybody seen
MY
cock?'

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.

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:-) -- Aussiewench, 00:11:30 11/17/10 Wed
A married lady takes a holiday alone in the Caribbean, her husband refusing to go with her because he hated hot tropical weather.
Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?" "I can't tell you" the black man says Every night they meet and every night she asks him again
what his
Name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?" "I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me."says the black man. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says. "Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies.
And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and Says, "I knew you would make fun of it". The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of you. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every night in the Caribbean

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Number 11 ... -- Margit, 07:07:39 11/14/10 Sun
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.

What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!

"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

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Replies:
- She should have married a hockey player, they love to score. (NT) -- jayn, 13:53:40 11/14/10 Sun
  - Maybe the husband no. 12 .... (NT) -- Margit, 22:22:58 11/14/10 Sun
  - LOL jayn. Maybe a golfer too - they aim for a hole in one. (NT) -- Scarlet A, 16:44:05 11/15/10 Mon
- good one! (NT) -- kgp, 14:28:58 11/14/10 Sun
German Wedding Night -- Margit, 07:20:09 11/14/10 Sun

Do you know, what is the German Wedding Night?

Of course: an, auf, hinter, in, neben, über, vor und zwischen...

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
(Sorry, this joke requires a bit lingual skills! The words mentioned are prepositions needed for cases "akkusativ" or "dativ", something is or will be put on, in, between, back of next to etc. something )

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Replies:
- Hahaha! I didn't know that one... Thanks! (NT) -- Pat, 16:04:45 11/14/10 Sun
  - good one :-) (NT) -- Aussiewench, 12:04:05 11/15/10 Mon
:-) -- Aussiewench, 14:54:44 11/11/10 Thu
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint

when a tiny little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala!

What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Fuuuuuuck, dude...
How much water did you drink!?'

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Replies:
- jokes -- isisgms (You have the best jokes!), 03:08:54 11/15/10 Mon
I wish to apologise to any that are offended by this joke.... it is just that ..A JOKE.... I always have to wear the German jokes around this place..u know squarehead and that :-) -- Aussiewench, 12:07:30 11/11/10 Thu
Aboriginal Wedding Night

A young aboriginal girl was getting married and her mother said,

"I'd better have a talk with you before you get married".

"Yeah mum, what do you want to talk about?" the young aboriginal girl asks.

"Well, on the night you get married, your husband is gonna want to put his most prized possession where you pee" the mother says ....

The daughter replies :--

"Why the f&*k would he want to put his thongs in the sink ?"

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Fishing? -- Lady Elizabeth, 17:17:10 11/09/10 Tue
One morning the husband returns to the campsite after several hours of
fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the
wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and reads her book.

After a while, along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside
the woman and says, "Good Morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book" she replies, (thinking, "isn't that obvious")?

"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading".

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up".

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you", says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment".

"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

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Ever brought a small child into the restroom with you? -- Scarlet A, 10:29:39 11/03/10 Wed
A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall

My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window.

People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There've been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Cosco.

Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:

"Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?"

At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full. 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity.

Cade continued, "Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty?

Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh .. Mommy! I'm trying to see in dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy!"

I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming newborn when you need her? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting.

Trying to divert him, I said, "Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some!"

"No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies. Oh! Mommy!" He started to gag at this point. "Uh oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!" As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: OK. There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.

"Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies! Get up! Get up!" He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door.

"Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door? What were you wooking at, Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?" More laughter.

I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.

"Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy." He started pounding on the door. "Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!"

I saw that my "wait 'em out" plan was unraveling. As I sheepishly opened the door, and found an open sink, I thought, Where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my privacy?

But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.

(Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She lives with her family in Grand Rapids, MI, where she no longer uses public restrooms )

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Replies:
- Scarlett.tears in my eyes from laughing.... we have all been in that situation , more or less..........I had a 2 yr . 3 yr and 4 yr old in a shopping trolley when I had to wee last monday...... lucky restroom fairly empty.......... grandmas dont have privacy either hahaha (NT) -- Aussiewench, 12:50:39 11/03/10 Wed
- Once I was shopping with a baby in the cart seat and a 4 yr old in tow. I silently passed gas. a bad one. The 4 yr old says in a loud voice. "Who farted? Ew!" I quickly say the baby must have a dirty diaper. The 4 yr old sticks his nose in my crack, inhales deeply, then announces " NOPE MOM IT WAS YOU!" If only the floor could have opened up and swallowed me whole. (NT) -- Lady Elizabeth, 12:18:00 11/05/10 Fri
- My mother loves to tell the story of when I was very young and saw my first person of colour in a grocery store (I lived in a very predominately white, rural area). I pointed at the man and refused to stop until I had everyone's attention at which point said 'look mommy, black eyes'. The honesty of youth. (NT) -- jayn, 13:42:12 11/06/10 Sat
  - I also grew up in a predominately white, rural area. My then 4 year old sister and I were in the toy aisle of Walmart around holiday time when she says in her loud 4-year old voice "Where are all the white Barbie dolls?". My mom quickly moved us out of there and to the checkout. (NT) -- Scarlet A, 09:41:55 11/08/10 Mon
Agriculture Degree -- Margit, 09:07:24 11/07/10 Sun
A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door. "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"

"You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied. "Oh yes," said the young man, "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it."

"Well, help yourself," said the farmer. He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.

The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up.

"Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"

"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer. Again,the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.

The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house.
"Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussywillow down by the creek."

The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!"

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Replies:
- Margit.........love it love it love it.... :-)....so will my hubby (NT) -- Aussiewench, 18:16:47 11/07/10 Sun
- Good one. (NT) -- jayn, 05:15:17 11/08/10 Mon
:-) -- Aussiewench, 19:04:33 11/07/10 Sun
A stockman from North Queensland attends a social function where Prime Minister Julia is speechifying. Clearly the stockman was not paying much attention, yacking with those closest and even quite far away.

Julia endeavoured to attract his interest with slower single syllable words.

As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around her head.

The stockman says, "Yer havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Julia stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well ma'am," the stockman replies, "Circle flies hang around these parts a lot. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Julia replies and resumes rambling.

But, a moment later she stops and bluntly asks,

"Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, ma'am," the stockman replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their Prime Minister a horse's ass."

"Thank you for that respectful explanation," Julia responds and resumes rambling once more.

And the stockman adds slowly ...

"Hard to fool them flies, though."

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JOKE -- CarolSR, 08:59:49 11/07/10 Sun
An old guy and his wife are in a long line for a teller at the bank, and she is arguing and nagging him the whole time, non-stop. When they are third in line, a robber walks up to the teller window with a shotgun, and while the teller stuffs a bag full of hundreds, he takes off his ski-mask to sneeze, and then puts the mask back on. Taking the bag of money, the robber walks up to the first guy in line and says "did you see my face?" The guy nods, and the robber blows him away. He asks the second guy, "did you see my face?" When the guy hesitates, the robber blows him away. The robber then goes up to the old guy and his wife and says, did you see my face? Without missing a beat, the old guy smiles and says "No, but my wife did.""

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Replies:
- :-) :-) Carol.... (NT) -- Aussiewench, 12:43:52 11/07/10 Sun
:-) -- Aussiewench, 13:12:09 11/05/10 Fri
The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

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Replies:
- Love 'em all. (NT) -- jayn, 17:55:12 11/05/10 Fri
- Hilarious! (NT) -- Lady Cate, 19:00:13 11/05/10 Fri
- Aussiewench - you have the greatest jokes! LMAO! (NT) -- CarolSR, 08:51:39 11/06/10 Sat
Dear Tide -- Lady Cate, 07:45:15 11/03/10 Wed
Dear Tide,
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have.
I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband
started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse as well!
I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative! Then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, I have to write to the Hefty Bag people.

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Replies:
- oooh I just love a warped joke..... good one (NT) -- Aussiewench, 12:45:48 11/03/10 Wed
Toilet Humor -- Scarlet A, 10:14:39 11/03/10 Wed
A Woman's Public Toilet Experience

When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every cubicle is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!). Down with your pants and assume "The Stance".

In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to lay toilet paper on it, you hold "The Stance".

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.
In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!". Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue on the nasty floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get".

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)

You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck?"

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Divorced Barbie -- ladylisa, 01:46:04 11/03/10 Wed
*
The Divorced Barbie Doll*

One day a father leaves work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that
it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of
those Barbies in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out
Barbie for £19.50, Shopping Barbie for £19.50, Beach Barbie for £19.50,
Disco Barbie for £19.50, Ballerina Barbie for £19.50, Astronaut Barbie for
£19.50, Skater Barbie for £19.50, and Divorced Barbie for £125.50.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie £125.50 and
the others only £19.50?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's Friends.

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:-) -- Aussiewench, 12:50:14 11/01/10 Mon
I had tolio as a child

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, 'What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

'I had tolio as a child,' he answered.

'You mean polio?' she asked.

'No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked

'What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!

'As a child, I also had kneasles,' he explained.

'You mean measles?' she asked.

'No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

'Don't tell me,' she said.

'Let me guess...

Smallcox?

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Replies:
- Hahaahaaahaaa! I like this one! (NT) -- LadyDuBois, 14:28:21 11/01/10 Mon
What A Real Man Does -- kgp, 12:18:17 10/30/10 Sat

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible……..

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

That's what wine does...

Never mind...

Last edited by author: Sat October 30, 2010 12:18:50 Edited 1 time.
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Replies:
- So true. (NT) -- jayn, 09:07:09 11/01/10 Mon
:-) -- Aussiewench, 02:12:42 10/30/10 Sat
The Drunk:

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and stumbles back and forth on the sidewalk.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks- "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out... I'll be damned… My girlfriend's gone, too!!

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Replies:
- Aussiewench - Love all your jokes and often repeat them to friends and family - keep them coming !!! (NT) -- Kirsten, 05:07:45 10/30/10 Sat
  - me too. I always read your jokes and have repeated quite a few. thanks for keeping us laughing (NT) -- Dale, 07:43:26 10/30/10 Sat
- I'm with them aussie, don't stop. I LOL at all your jokes, pisses the family off bigtime when I won't share (mostly because they're too young). (NT) -- jayn, 08:14:37 10/30/10 Sat
:-) -- Aussiewench, 01:59:42 10/30/10 Sat
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance came to him and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied,
"Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued,
"Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.
Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued,
"You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued,
"You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates,
"If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed.

This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

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:-) -- Aussiewench, 01:53:15 10/30/10 Sat
Irish jokes
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that gun...'

AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either

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Morning all..... I dont get much reaction to my jokes , I thought Id try a scottish one :-)......... -- Aussiewench, 12:30:11 10/29/10 Fri
Ageing Scot

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.

A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman
bought a ticket and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.

Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and
smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on
the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a
faded sign for the same circus and

The same sign 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and
shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.

The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show..

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know

Something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'

'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

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Replies:
- Good one. I do chuckle at all your jokes, I just don't take the time to post here often. Keep 'em coming. (NT) -- MonicaW, 16:52:55 10/29/10 Fri
- I read them all, too. I just don't comment. Sorry!! (NT) -- TanyaB, 19:47:27 10/29/10 Fri
:-) -- Aussiewench, 02:34:37 10/29/10 Fri
To Be 6 Again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f___ing retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna
get it wrong.

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Replies:
- I sort of felt sorry for this guy...he tried so hard to please the misses :-) (NT) -- Aussiewench, 02:36:09 10/29/10 Fri
  - That's what I thought too. I once had a boyfriend who (yes really) gave me a card for our 1 month anniversary, but was a stupid card that featured 2 monkeys dressed as people, I can't remember what I said, lets just say I was not as appreciative as I should have been. I'll never forget the look of disapointment on his face - it taught me a lesson about 'the thought that counts'. (NT) -- jayn, 17:55:37 10/29/10 Fri
:-) :-) -- Aussiewench, 13:26:08 10/27/10 Wed
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

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Replies:
- Tasers... -- Lady Stormwing, 22:03:57 10/28/10 Thu
  - :) (NT) -- kgp, 05:32:59 10/29/10 Fri
:-) -- Aussiewench, 18:41:10 10/28/10 Thu
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple
Minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...

' 'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door
And pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until
You have at least seen my demonstration.''

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
Hallway carpet.

''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
Horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat
The remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

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;-) -- Aussiewench, 01:54:19 10/28/10 Thu
9 months later!!!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skii ng.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

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The Pilot and the Cow -- Lady Stormwing, 11:59:20 10/27/10 Wed
A pilot has engine trouble and lands in a field. As he walks around the plane to check out the problem, he hears a voice behind him say, “You have a clogged fuel line.” Looking around, he sees no one, except a cow. Startled out of his wits, he runs across the field to the farmer’s house and pounds on the door. When the farmer appears at the door, the out-of-breath pilot stammers that his cow has just talked–and even tried to explain what was wrong with the airplane.

The farmer drawled, “Was it a brown cow?” “Yes.” “Did it have a white patch on its forehead?” “Yes, yes, that’s the one.” “OK, that’s Bessie. Don’t pay no attention to her. She doesn’t know nothin’ about aeroplanes.”

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Aussiewench's last joke reminded me of another -- Scarlet A, 15:40:26 10/26/10 Tue
An oldie but a goodie...

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there," and points to a Harley in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope... but I've been swung around by the nipples a few times."

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:-) -- Aussiewench, 01:17:53 10/26/10 Tue
A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said... So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself.."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

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:-) -- Aussiewench, 01:12:17 10/26/10 Tue
Brian had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

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:-) -- Aussiewench, 01:02:37 10/26/10 Tue
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be
mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..

How soon can I go home?'

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Things you hear at the gas station (True story) -- Jessica M., 12:27:50 10/25/10 Mon
I had to pick up some triple A batteries for my husband's little set of speakers yesterday and ran to the gas station a couple blocks from our house. I asked the (male) attendant where they were and he gestured to a display behind the counter. I asked for the type I needed and he got them, commenting that they had all sizes because "Everything needs batteries nowadays." I just nodded and got out my money to hand to him, when he followed that up with "...except men." I don't think my eyebrows have ever shot up so high in my life!

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:-) -- Aussiewench, 19:12:50 10/19/10 Tue
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Coles.
The husband picks up a case of VB cans at the Liquorland section and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you're doing?” asks his wife.
“They're on sale, only $30 for 24 cans,” he replies.
“Put them back; we can't afford them demands the wife,” and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further along the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you're doing?” asks her husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, “So does 24 cans of VB, and it's half the price!”

On the PA system, “Clean-up on aisle 15; we have a husband down.”

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Replies:
- OOOH brave man...no silly man :-) (NT) -- Aussiewench, 19:14:08 10/19/10 Tue
- i live in mortal fear of my ndh learning what I spend on beauty crap. (NT) -- jayn, 04:56:16 10/20/10 Wed
- Another one who never heard the shot! (NT) -- Lady Stormwing, 11:39:56 10/25/10 Mon
Hollywood Lessons -- Margit, 04:49:02 10/18/10 Mon
1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.

8. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

(And last but not least my favourite: in American films the couples are always having sex with their underwear on.)

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Replies:
- Sooooo true! (NT) -- Pat, 07:29:41 10/19/10 Tue
  - I'll second that! :D (NT) -- Chirre, 07:59:45 10/20/10 Wed
- As regards nu,ber 10, it's also true of large fish tanks, especially if they are lit up. (NT) -- Susannah, 04:50:09 10/22/10 Fri
My new favorite quote: "We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?" -- Aingeal.A, 18:32:12 10/20/10 Wed
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Replies:
- *like!* (NT) -- kgp, 07:09:22 10/21/10 Thu
- Oh, good one! (NT) -- Gina-C, 17:32:32 10/21/10 Thu
I had to share this -- LadyDuBois, 06:08:11 10/20/10 Wed
Why Parents Drink

A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom' With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son Paul

P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Dustin's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

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Replies:
- oooh I like this one...had it about 2 years ago and loved it then but had forgotten it (NT) -- Aussiewench, 01:04:33 10/21/10 Thu
  - That's how long it has taken me to share, Blackdog had e-mailed thiis to me and I just came across it again while looking through some old emails. (NT) -- LadyDuBois, 03:12:24 10/21/10 Thu
From the mouths of the wee bairns...and some of the bigger ones as well... -- Lady Stormwing, 21:03:53 10/17/10 Sun
So after a crappy Friday night, weather-wise, Saturday and Sunday dawned bright and sunny (and cold and windy!) and I was outside at work for most of it. I work at a little "Trick-or-Treat" trail...kids/parents/whoever can donate a dollar to charity and walk through visiting various characters and recieving candy and a little half-mask to "dress-up" in. Today as the princess at the castle I was exchanging treats for bad jokes. Come inside the first reply for some of my favorites...

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Replies:
- The Princess of Bad Jokes.. -- Lady Stormwing, 21:08:30 10/17/10 Sun
- I'm sharing these! (NT) -- Lady Cate, 03:18:19 10/19/10 Tue
- Love the last one LOL! (NT) -- VickiB, 13:36:56 10/20/10 Wed
:-) -- Aussiewench, 14:41:12 10/15/10 Fri
THE GOLFING NUN.........

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the f%&king putt, didn't you?'

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Replies:
- Yup.. konw some nuns like that... a few monks too... (NT) -- kry, 05:16:16 10/17/10 Sun
Stolen from "Diane"... -- Lady Stormwing, 18:49:31 10/15/10 Fri
"Diane" being Jeff Dunham's new pal. :)

A woman reported the death of her husband, stating that it was a stroke.

She used a nine-iron.

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Replies:
- Love it, can I use it? (the technique I mean, not the joke) (NT) -- jayn, 07:02:43 10/16/10 Sat
:-) -- Aussiewench, 14:37:05 10/15/10 Fri
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with

their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with

a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know that?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'...!!

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:-) -- Aussiewench, 22:00:05 10/14/10 Thu
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'He thought he was having his picture taken'.

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Replies:
- Aussiewench, you have the best jokes. I can always count on at least a chuckle over here. I'm still smirking about the pig, though. (NT) -- jayn, 06:28:10 10/15/10 Fri
  - Me too Jayn.I just kept laughing at the way it was put together and kept referring to the pig all the way through the skit. I will keep the jokes coming as long as they offend no one :-) (NT) -- Aussiewench, 14:33:27 10/15/10 Fri
:-) -- Aussiewench, 21:57:16 10/14/10 Thu
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station,
when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon
with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose
tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The
firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied
the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want
to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that
rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go
faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren.'

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:-) -- Aussiewench, 03:40:33 10/09/10 Sat
CHUCKLE OF THE DAY

....

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb..

(Now that's more like it !)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig..)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length.. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain..

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

:-)

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Replies:
- That was really great. Guess that tells us a lot about the white sow. (NT) -- jayn, 17:44:15 10/09/10 Sat
:-) -- Aussiewnch, 03:52:09 10/09/10 Sat
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.”

The second woman responded,“Oh, that’s nothing. I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!”

“Whoa,” replied the first woman. “I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”

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Marraige -- Lady Stormwing, 22:01:19 10/05/10 Tue
I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 25 years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

My engaged friend started with her experience. "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long."

The mistress said, "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night."

Then it was my turn. "When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said...

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

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Replies:
- This is a very good one..probably very realistic in some marriages :-) (NT) -- Aussiewench, 00:45:15 10/06/10 Wed
- He never heard the gunshot (NT) -- lady e, 15:12:01 10/06/10 Wed
:-) -- Aussiewench, 16:08:29 10/04/10 Mon
The Preacher's Salary...

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby, so he went to the congregaton and asked for a raise.

After much consideration and discussion they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his salary.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preachers salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the preacher's additional children were costing the church.

Fnally, the preacher got up and addressed the congregation; "Children are a gift from God" he said..... Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up, and in her frail voice said "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear a raincoat"

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Replies:
- Love it. (NT) -- jayn, 05:29:09 10/05/10 Tue
:-) -- Aussiewench, 17:01:17 09/28/10 Tue
THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's
house.

She knocked on the door then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
explained.

'Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

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Replies:
- LOL-another husband who never heard the shot. (NT) -- Keira, 18:14:15 09/28/10 Tue
- ROFL. I can so identify with this. (NT) -- jayn, 15:58:44 10/01/10 Fri
Operating System Upgrade -- KYP, 10:54:01 09/30/10 Thu
When tech support asked the governor if he would like to upgrade his operating system to Windows 7, Schwarzenegger replied, "No thank you. I still love Vista, baby."

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Replies:
- groooan! (NT) -- kgp, 10:59:33 09/30/10 Thu
:-) -- Aussiewench, 22:14:12 09/23/10 Thu
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.....

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

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Replies:
- LOL! Love it! (NT) -- Lady Stormwing, 23:05:47 09/23/10 Thu
- you were right, I really should visit here more often. (NT) -- LadyDuBois, 06:44:45 09/26/10 Sun
:-) no brazillians here -- Aussiewench, 20:26:12 09/24/10 Fri
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short
skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments
she uncrosses her legs .. enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never heard the gunshot

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Replies:
- haha omg (NT) -- oorjanie, 17:58:51 09/25/10 Sat
- OH I like that one! (NT) -- LadyDuBois, 06:43:07 09/26/10 Sun
I wasn't sure which board this should go on, but I had to share... -- Lady Stormwing, 20:13:32 09/21/10 Tue
One of my favorite websites is a place called etiquettehell.com. (When I'm not on Lallybroch, I'm usually there.) There was a post not too long ago in which the original poster (OP) was describing a situation in which she had written a warning to the garbage collectors regarding broken glass in both English and Spanish, as the OP lives in an area with a very large Spanish-speaking population. Someone (garbage collector, other tenant, the OP didn't know) left a nasty, racist reply for whatever reason.

The post led to a discussion about bi- and trilingual practices, the policies of many places having signs, labels, and directions in both English and Spanish (French, too, in Canada). One of the posters left the following quote, and because it made me laugh out loud, I wanted to share it all with you, especially considering what an international community we have here:

"English: the language that goes around beating up other languages and then rifles through their pockets for loose vocabulary."

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Replies:
- This cracks me up! (NT) -- Lady Cate, 05:46:15 09/22/10 Wed
- Well said! (NT) -- MonicaW, 09:12:41 09/22/10 Wed
- Too true! (NT) -- TanyaB, 10:13:16 09/23/10 Thu
- I've been redaing that site for years! I only recently started posting there... (NT) -- Pat, 01:15:14 09/24/10 Fri
- That's a keeper. So true! (NT) -- AngieLass, 05:22:58 09/24/10 Fri
Life Truths -- Lady Cate, 08:11:28 09/13/10 Mon
-Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

-If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

-Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
-The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

-It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

-Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

-Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

-If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of student loan payments.

-Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

-Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

-There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

-If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

-If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

-The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

-A closed mouth gathers no foot.

-Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

-Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

-Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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Replies:
- Loved these! (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 11:20:32 09/13/10 Mon
- These are great! (NT) -- Pat, 06:22:00 09/14/10 Tue
- These are great! I'm going to borrow them. (NT) -- LadyGrace, 09:43:48 09/14/10 Tue
- These were great! I think, though, that the first one is my fave!! :-D (NT) -- ScarlettO, 17:09:48 09/14/10 Tue
- ROFL. Even my dd, who never laughs at anything, loved these. (NT) -- jayn, 05:11:44 09/21/10 Tue
:-) -- Aussiewench, 22:51:49 09/12/10 Sun
The Lone Ranger's Last Request
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured

by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ....
"In honor of the Harvest Festival,

YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request ???'

The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought

before the Lone Ranger who whispers in

Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with

a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches,

the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent

and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits

he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request ???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak

to his horse.

Silver is brought to

him,

and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears

over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,

Silver again returns, this time with a

voluptuous brunette, more attractive

than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent

and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief

is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,

and Silver is brought to

the

Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone,

the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,

Looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen Very Carefully !!!!

FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...

I SAID ....

"BRING POSSE!"

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Replies:
- Everytime I read this one I laugh..its sad when you laugh at your own jokes Hey :-)!!!!! (NT) -- Aussiewench, 22:54:09 09/12/10 Sun
- it took me a few mins and then I couldnt stop laughing for an hour! Good one! (NT) -- Keitaya, 01:09:52 09/13/10 Mon
:-) -- Aussiewench, 22:25:55 09/12/10 Sun
JUST WHEN I THINK I'VE HEARD THE "BEST BLONDE JOKE" EVER, ALONG COMES ONE LIKE THIS. A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk . When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face".

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:-) -- Aussiewench, 22:19:26 09/12/10 Sun
She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast.
He walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?"
She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me
this very moment".
He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen
table and they have sex. Afterwards he says, "What was
that all about?"
She says "The egg timer's broken!"

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Scottish laws? inside>> -- Keitaya, 19:46:34 09/11/10 Sat
Some strange Scottish laws I found on a web site... (I hope they arnt true)

Aberdeen: Any man owning more than 12 sheep must prove that he is not a 'pimp' (brothel owner)

Any Scotsman found to be wearing underwear beneath his kilt can be fined two cans of beer..

Glasgow: By law, any person operating a Fish and Chip shop must provide Deep Fried Mars Bars as part of their menu.

If someone knocks on your door and requests the use of your toilet, you must allow them access. You must not demand that they pay one penny.

It is illegal to be a drunk in possession of a cow.

It is illegal to kill an Englishman except for pleasure.

You may not fish on Sundays on Argyll Street, Glasgow.

You are not allowed to kill the Loch Ness Monster. The Protection of Animal Acts which is the Scottish law of 1912 in Scotland includes the mythical creature.

In the English City of York it is still legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow, on all days except Sundays. Scotsmen be warned.

It is illegal for bees to cross the border into Scotland with the purpose of taking pollen from Scottish flowers. They would be in breech of Trespass Laws.

During the long hours of winter darkness it is illegal to complain that you wish it were sunny.

It is against the law for any man in Berwick to unilaterally declare war on another country (except England).

No one is permitted to swim the channel from Iona to Mull unless they have a piece of Iona Marble in their pocket. (It is impossible to drown whilst carrying Iona Marble)

It is against the law to call any Scottish person 'Cyril' or 'Percy' or 'Hector'

It is illegal to get caught cheating in an exam - with the exception of Religious Exams.

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Replies:
- What about Hector Cameron? (NT) -- jayn, 13:47:55 09/12/10 Sun
The Drivers -- Lady Stormwing, 22:26:37 09/10/10 Fri
The Pope is making a tour of the United States and, of course, has a very busy schedule that he's doing his best to stick to. Unfortunately, things run a bit long at one stop and he has to make up time any way he can if he's to be on time for the next gathering. So he dismisses the rest of his entourage and takes off in the Popemobile with just his driver.

They're making good time on back roads but His Holiness is still worried they're going to be late. He tells his driver to floor it, but the fellow refuses to push it any further. After all, he's heard the police in these parts were tough on speeders and he doesn't want to find out first hand.

His Holiness, irritated, orders the driver to pull over. He insists on doing the driving himself for he says no one will toss the Pope in jail. They take off in a cloud of dust, His Holiness at the wheel, his driver cowering in the back seat.

Not too much later, a state trooper pulls them over. The young officer strides up to the car all business-like and mean. This lasts right up until he sees who is driving. His face pasty-white, he heads back to his cruiser to radio for some advice.

"Um, let me talk to the Chief...Hello, sir, sorry to trouble you, but I have a bit of a problem. Just pulled over a speeder and it turns out to be someone quite important. How should I handle this?"

"Depends on who you got, son. Let me guess...it's the Mayor, right? Had himself another snootful and on a tear?"

"No, sir. It's not the Mayor."

"Bigger than that, eh? Not the Senator, again! And don't tell me he has another young girl with him. It's getting awful hard to keep him out of the papers, you know."

"No sir, it wasn't the Senator. Someone a lot more important."

"Well, who you got, son? The President?"

"I don't rightly know, sir. But whoever he is, he must be damn important, because the Pope's his driver!"

--

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrived at dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then, an supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely glare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

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Replies:
- Love them both. (NT) -- jayn, 09:34:07 09/11/10 Sat
Probably my favourite joke of the last 12 months :-) -- Aussiewench, 19:48:18 09/07/10 Tue
A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.

St Peter asks the first girl (from Southend), 'Karen, have you ever had

any contact with a mans thing?'

She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well I once touched the head of one with

the tip of my finger'

St. Peter says, 'OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and

pass through the gate.'

St. Peter asks the next girl (from Chelmsford ) the same question,

'Joanne have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?'

The girl is a little reluctant but replies 'Well once I fondled and

stroked one.'

St. Peter says 'OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass

through the gate.'

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and

the girl from Romford is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says ' Tracy ! What

seems to be the rush?'

The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water...I

want to do it before Lorraine sticks her arse in it!!'

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Replies:
- hahaha - love it! (NT) -- Margy, 14:24:45 09/09/10 Thu
- HAHAHA!!! (NT) -- kgp, 17:24:01 09/09/10 Thu
:-) -- Aussiewench, 17:20:23 09/09/10 Thu

IRISH CHRISTENING

Patrick's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins ... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth, and had to be christened immediately so your brother Patrick came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot ...
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?

'Denise' says the doctor.
The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought ...'I really like Denise '

Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'

The doctor replies ' Denephew '

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Well CarolSR...you did say that nothing is too risque for the ladies...here goes!!!...sorry for the swear word. -- Aussiewench, 02:40:42 08/21/10 Sat
A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realising this was not the most riveting subject,the professor decided to lighten the mood a bit.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,"Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're have an orgasm."
She replied,"Probably fishing with his mates"
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

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Replies:
- LOL!!!!! (NT) -- Keira, 05:34:35 08/21/10 Sat
- ROFL - not too risque at all. (NT) -- jayn, 17:14:18 08/21/10 Sat
  - Well in that case Jayn...:-) I will post some more funnies (NT) -- Aussiewench, 17:19:30 08/21/10 Sat
- Screaming with laughter at this very moment! (NT) -- Connee, 17:59:00 08/21/10 Sat
- very good & definitely not too risque (NT) -- ruthlass, 21:05:50 08/22/10 Sun
- ROFL! (NT) -- Judie, 20:47:04 09/08/10 Wed
:-) -- Aussiewench, 00:30:52 09/07/10 Tue
My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ear once a month.

The lady went to the pharmacy and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week."
:-)

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Replies:
- ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (NT) -- Judie, 20:45:39 09/08/10 Wed
Three Good Ones! -- Lemora, 23:50:44 09/06/10 Mon
The farmer was having sex with his pig and felt really guilty about it. So, he went to the priest and confessed. The priest asked, "And were you screwing a male or a female pig?" Indignantly, the farmer replied, "A female of course. You think I'm queer or somethin'"!?

**********

The three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw!"

**********

A snail was meandering through the woods, when he came upon a slug. The snail attacked the slug, and both were arrested for Disturbing The Forest.
They were brought before the judge for sentencing, and the slug was asked to tell what happened. "Well, your honor," began the slug, "It all happened so fast...."

**********

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Replies:
- Good ones. The first one reminds me of one my uncle told over the BBQ this weekend. He certainly comes up with the winners... -- Lady Stormwing, 22:29:21 09/07/10 Tue
  - "And that's when the fight started...." (NT) -- Lemora, 15:17:36 09/08/10 Wed
:-) -- Aussiewench, 19:39:31 09/07/10 Tue
A Real Man

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will
never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret. He will enable her to
express her deepest emotions and give in to
her most intimate desires. He will make sure
she always feels as though she's the most
beautiful woman in the room and will enable
her to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

It’s wine that does all that.......

Never mind.

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:-) -- Aussiewench, 01:43:40 09/07/10 Tue
Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... And saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... A vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent pig ,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'

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Replies:
- GREAT JOKES AUSSIEWENCH! I laughed at ALL of them! (NT) -- CarolSR, 06:43:36 09/07/10 Tue
:-) -- Aussiewench, 01:36:34 09/07/10 Tue

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we
started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you

swear after me, ok?"
"OK" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he
wants for breakfast.
"Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!!

He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and
ran
upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do
YOU
want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*cking CocoPops."

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:-) -- Aussiewench, 00:40:46 09/07/10 Tue
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you,
being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not
wrongly interpret
the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old
secretary
at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night,
he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being
54 years old.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also
54 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this,
I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students,
who is also the assistant tennis coach.
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math,
You will understand that we are in the same situation, although with
one small difference -
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

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:-) -- Aussiewench, 00:33:53 09/07/10 Tue
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down here? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up and said to the Marine, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

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apologies to all blondes -- Aussiewench, 00:27:20 09/07/10 Tue

RECTUM DEODORANT
POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist..
"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........
" TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

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And that's when the fight started... -- Margit, 08:53:43 08/29/10 Sun
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...

* * *
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

* * *

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

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Replies:
- Margit...Do you have the rest of these...I do...just havent had time to write them out...maybe next week :-) (NT) -- Aussiewench, 16:55:54 08/29/10 Sun
  - No, that was all I found (NT) -- Margit, 08:41:43 08/30/10 Mon
- "A woman walks into her living room and asks her husband what's on TV. He replies, "Dust." And that's when the fight started! (NT) -- Lady Stormwing, 11:32:22 08/31/10 Tue
- Here's another one ... -- Aussiewench, 16:34:17 08/31/10 Tue
Jonah -- Lady Elizabeth, 18:00:52 08/24/10 Tue
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

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Replies:
- A motivational speaker used this joke yesterday in a back-to-school teachers. His delivery was great! as was the rest of his speech. (NT) -- madelyn, 09:37:06 08/31/10 Tue
Girlfriends Lunch Out -- ladyphantom, 14:01:35 08/23/10 Mon
A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good, the wine selection was good also, and the waiters were cute.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet, the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean, and the waiters were sweet boys.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible, they even had an elevator, and the waiters were kindly.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

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Replies:
- funny! I just passed it on! (NT) -- kgp, 06:28:05 08/27/10 Fri
A little known fact... -- CarolSR, 17:15:05 08/19/10 Thu
The first testicular guard, the "cup," was used in hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies, Quit Laughing.

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Replies:
- I thought they were protecting their brains. (NT) -- jayn, 17:15:42 08/21/10 Sat
- Funny!! (NT) -- Lady Cate, 02:56:05 08/25/10 Wed
Wish I were young again... -- Margit, 01:22:16 08/24/10 Tue
A cop drives up to lovers lane and sees a car there. So he walks up to the car, and there's a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book.

The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, "I'm reading a book and I'm 20."

Then the cop asks what the girl's doing and how old she is. The boy replies, "She's knitting and she'll be 18 in about five minutes."

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Replies:
- Good one! (NT) -- Lady Cate, 02:54:53 08/25/10 Wed
Revenge -- Margit, 01:24:42 08/24/10 Tue
Two missionaries in jugle were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The other missionary replied, "I just peed in the soup!"

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GIRLFRIENDS -- CarolSR, 17:13:13 08/19/10 Thu
A group of 15 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jimmy Johnson, that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see him and they can ride their bikes there.

10 years later, the group of 25 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and if they go late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was reasonable, the wine list was good, they had windows that open in case of a hot flash, and fish is good for your cholesterol.

10 years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

10 years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because food was not too spicy, the restaurant was handicapped accessible and they even had an elevator!

10 years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

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Replies:
- I will be one of those ladies. (NT) -- jayn, 17:17:06 08/21/10 Sat
Grandmas DONT know everything -- Aussiewench, 16:42:06 08/14/10 Sat
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came running into the house and asked her,'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback,however she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling"
Little Tony said "'Oh OK.' and went back out to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back and said angrily, 'Grandma IT ISNT called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you , NOW!!!!'

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Replies:
- Hahaha Love it. (NT) -- Kirsten, 02:28:10 08/21/10 Sat
A GLASS OF WINE -- CarolSR, 17:18:33 08/19/10 Thu
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine..
And those who don't and are always
Seen with a bottle of water in their hand.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day, At the end of the year we would have absorbed More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.. Coli)- bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop

However,We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.

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Replies:
- Amen! (NT) -- Scarlet A, 11:26:38 08/20/10 Fri
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. -- CarolSR, 17:09:54 08/19/10 Thu
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Replies:
- Hey Carol.............I say FORGET about the sandwich till much later...:-) (NT) -- Aussiewench, 20:55:21 08/19/10 Thu
Irish logic -- Aussiewench, 16:21:21 08/14/10 Sat
Paddy tells Mick that he is thinking of buying a labrador dog.
"Get outta here ". say's Mick " have you seen how many of the owners who own one have gone blind"

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Replies:
- Well Im sure you all didnt need this joke twice...so sorry.dont know quite what happened with the verification thing (NT) -- Aussiewench, 16:23:16 08/14/10 Sat
Irish logic -- Aussiewench, 16:21:01 08/14/10 Sat
Paddy tells Mick that he is thinking of buying a labrador dog.
"Get outta here ". say's Mick " have you seen how many of the owners who own one have gone blind"

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Chinese Wedding Night -- CarolSR, 09:48:56 08/13/10 Fri
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,'he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound
experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....

'You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'

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Replies:
- Love this Carol..just about choked on my morning coffee (NT) -- Aussiewench, 13:38:28 08/13/10 Fri
- Told this to my chinese ex hubby and nearly had to call an ambulance he was laughing so hard! ( he actualy strained a few stomache muscles) (NT) -- Kry, 05:25:45 08/14/10 Sat
The Postman -- Aussiewench, 17:10:29 08/09/10 Mon
One monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were still in the driveway.His wonder was cut short by Clive,the homeowner,coming out with a load of empty beer bottles and liquor bottles for the recycling bin
"Wow Clive, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night" comments the Postman.
Clive , in obvious pain , replies " Actually we had it saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since about 4am sunday morning.We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over the weekend for some fun and it got a bit wild.We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"
The Postman thinks and says " How do you play WHO AM I ?"
"Well" , answers Clive, " All the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with out 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is"
The postman laughs and says " Sounds like fun.Im sorry I missed it "
" Probably a good thing you did miss it" Clive responded
"Your name came up 7 times"

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Replies:
- I loved this joke so much I sent it to all my friends! :) (NT) -- CarolSR, 06:27:01 08/12/10 Thu
- Thanks Carol...I have so many jokes stored away..some a bit too risque.but I dont want to hog the joke board..........its good to have a bit of a chuckle every day (NT) -- Aussiewench, 13:41:23 08/12/10 Thu
- There's nothing too risque for THIS crowd!! :) (NT) -- CarolSR, 14:02:38 08/12/10 Thu
A WOMAN'S POEM: -- SueP, 04:23:49 06/29/10 Tue
A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend,won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a brewery and a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

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Replies:
- ROFL Sue, I sent this to all my women friends. (NT) -- jayn, 19:01:52 07/03/10 Sat
- That nails it. (NT) -- Lemora, 12:39:00 07/07/10 Wed
- Man's poem II: I have found the perfect woman, who could ask for more, she's deaf & mute & oversexed, and owns a liquor store. (NT) -- ruthlass, 19:55:35 08/11/10 Wed
The difference between grandmas and grandpas -- Aussiewench, 22:04:08 08/02/10 Mon
A friend who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.Every sunday morning he would take his 7 year old granddaughter out for a drive for some bonding time-just him and his granddaughter.One particular sunday however,he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out for a drive.
When they returned.the little girl anxiously ran up stairs to see her grandfather.
'Well,did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'
'Oh yes ,granddad'the little girl replied,'and do you know what? We didnt see a single arsehole,blind bastard,dipshit or wanker anywhere today!'

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Replies:
- Hahaha!!! :-) (NT) -- Pat, 10:14:52 08/03/10 Tue
- LOL! I've a horrible feeling this will be my husband if we ever have grandchildren. (NT) -- albion, 12:12:08 08/05/10 Thu
ALZHEIMER'S TEST - DONT CHEAT -- CAROLSR, 16:13:56 07/29/10 Thu
How fast can you guess these words?
1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM

Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

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Replies:
- LOL-yes! (NT) -- Keira, 18:35:21 07/30/10 Fri
  - Nope, but then I grew up with the one, What word starts with and "F" and ends with "uck"? That would be Firetruck...what were you thinking! (NT) -- Vicki B, 12:57:11 08/04/10 Wed
The Supermarket -- Traci_Mc, 10:59:36 07/31/10 Sat
A new Publix Supermarket opened in Tampa, FL. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

Last edited by author: Sat July 31, 2010 11:00:38 Edited 1 time.
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Replies:
- I really hate those produce sprayers..... (I know, not the point, but I do) (NT) -- jayn, 14:46:06 07/31/10 Sat
Kids in Church -- Lady Elizabeth, 18:31:45 07/22/10 Thu
3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name Amen.

A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guy

One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive t hose who put trash in our baskets."

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,"Because people are sleeping."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3 The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus w ere sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?

A wife invited some people to dinner At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered
The daughter bowed her head and said"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner

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Replies:
- Oh the mistakes a child can make. As a young thing, I always thought His name was Howard. (NT) -- Connee, 20:57:06 07/27/10 Tue
Sherlock and Watson go camping... -- Lady Stormwing, 19:34:02 07/24/10 Sat
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of red, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later Holmes woke up, nudged his faithful friend and said, "Watson, I want you to look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars." Sherlock said, "And what does that tell you?"

After a minute or so of pondering Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Metereologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day today. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for about 30 seconds and said, "I think it means someone stole our tent."

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Replies:
- This is funny but, you know, there is a truly important message here. We get so darn caught up in looking for the hidden meaning in things that we forget - sometimes seeing the sky means you don't got a roof - and sometimes a cigar is just a cigar!. (NT) -- jayn, 09:40:04 07/25/10 Sun
The Husband Store -- Lady Elizabeth, 05:33:47 07/20/10 Tue
Our own Blackdog sent this to me.
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the product increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep
going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Please leave the building.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

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My next life -- Lady Elizabeth, 19:54:33 07/19/10 Mon
I want to live my next life backwards!

You start out dead and get that out of the way, right off the bat.

Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.

When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work.

So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.

As you get even younger, you become a kid again. You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.

In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap.

Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

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Replies:
- DH says not a bad way to go, lol (NT) -- Lady Keira, 20:00:35 07/19/10 Mon
- Sounds good to me! :-) (NT) -- Pat, 05:30:26 07/20/10 Tue
Underwear dust -- Lady Elizabeth, 19:06:13 07/18/10 Sun
One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply cou ldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

' April ', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!

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A blond joke (I just dyed my hair blonde again after a year being a redhead ;) -- Wilhelmiina, 01:01:07 07/01/10 Thu
A blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin . She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle on prices' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, ‘Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free' The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, 'Little lady, just go and give it a try'! The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile! Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out....... 'SH*T, SH*T, SH*T, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO'

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Replies:
- This is great! One of my favorite blonde jokes, ever! (NT) -- Lemora, 12:37:24 07/07/10 Wed
Getting old in Florida -- MelvaT, 21:32:56 06/20/10 Sun
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'

The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'

The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'

The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'

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Replies:
- *giggles* (NT) -- Scarlet A, 14:40:30 06/21/10 Mon
- Nooooooo! (NT) -- SueP, 04:24:43 06/29/10 Tue
this is so funny -- oorjanie, 09:11:01 06/25/10 Fri
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Replies:
- in here cos it's long >>>>>>>> -- oorjanie, 09:11:29 06/25/10 Fri
  - LOL - clearly Jamie must need 3X then.. (NT) -- jayn, 12:28:59 06/26/10 Sat
    - hahahaha! good one (NT) -- oorjanie, 20:59:22 06/28/10 Mon
A Benefactor -- Margit, 04:12:25 06/19/10 Sat
A rich man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

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East Coast Girls -- CarolSR (East Coaster from PA, RI), 06:29:34 05/27/10 Thu
A girl from the East Coast and a girl from the West Coast were seated side by side on an airplane.
The girl from the East Coast, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya from?"

The West Coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from the East Coast, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:

"So, where ya from.... bitch?"

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Replies:
- I'm probably going to win mom-of-the-year for this one, but I gave my DD a card that said this for her b-day. She almost choked. (NT) -- ScarlettO, 15:59:45 05/28/10 Fri
- See, people thilnk it's an insult to be called bitch - but it's actually verra hard work and one must keep up ones guard every waking moment to earn the honour. I consider it an extreme honour whne someone acknowledges my hard work by giving me this title, *BG* (NT) -- jayn, 06:23:27 05/29/10 Sat
  - Jayn, that made my day. Very funny, and very true! We need to liberate Bitch from its negative connotations. (NT) -- Bel Wilde, 20:46:47 06/12/10 Sat
marriage !! -- ali cat, 12:26:06 06/08/10 Tue
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'

She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!

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marriage ! -- ali cat, 12:23:47 06/08/10 Tue
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,

'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,

'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

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marriage -- ali cat, 12:21:43 06/08/10 Tue
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said:

'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

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Ranch Hand -- Scarlet A, 11:45:17 06/07/10 Mon
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay cowboy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling,he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

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Replies:
- Bwahahahaha!! (NT) -- Kim G, 01:06:04 06/08/10 Tue
- Wasn't prepared for that one!!!! (NT) -- TanyaB, 09:31:10 06/08/10 Tue
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A GLASGOW GIRL -- Lolkate in Brigadoon, W Australia!, 18:29:02 05/08/10 Sat
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A GLASGOW GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Glasgow . He ordered her to keep
the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see
anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.

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Replies:
- ROFPMSL!!!!!!!!! Love it!! (NT) -- Sharyn, 04:23:26 05/10/10 Mon
- What a great laugh to start the day! (NT) -- CarolSR, 06:23:16 05/10/10 Mon
- LOL! Love it! (NT) -- albion, 06:23:52 05/16/10 Sun
- Hahaha! I'm pretty sure this is what happens when you marry an Aussie girl too! *G* (NT) -- Leigh, 23:18:43 06/06/10 Sun
Password Audit -- Scarle A, 09:52:40 06/04/10 Fri
During a company's recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

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taxi driver -- Terri, 08:49:29 06/03/10 Thu
A passenger in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a moment everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still shaking driver said, "I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.

The driver replied, "No, no. I'm the one who is sorry; it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."

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3rd grade quotes of the day -- Lady Elizabeth, 15:13:57 05/18/10 Tue
Subject - states

North and South Virginia
Minnissippi

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A few daffynitions -- Lady Cate, 08:50:48 05/12/10 Wed
Arbitrator - a cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
Bernadette - the act of torching a mortgage
Burglarize - what a crook sees with
Control - a short, ugly inmate
Eclipse - what an English barber does for a living
Paradox - two physicians
Pharmacist - a helper on a farm
Primate - removing your spouse from in front of the TV
Rubberneck - what you do to relax your wife
Seamstress - describes 300 pound man in size 34 pants
Subdued - Like, a guy who like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man

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decisions, decisions...... -- MonicaW, 09:09:24 04/18/10 Sun
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, and the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation left and we now have the technology to build you a new penis. They work great, but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says,"You must decide how many inches you want. But this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she play a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."

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Replies:
- Some decisions are easy! (NT) -- ReginaG, 06:09:32 04/20/10 Tue
- ROFLMAO! (NT) -- Lady Grey, 18:56:22 05/06/10 Thu
Great come back -- Lady Linda, 11:40:26 05/05/10 Wed
A middle aged woman and her DH were watching TV. He turned to her and teased, "I'm ready to trade you in for two, twenty year olds." Without missing a beat, she replied, "My dear, you aren't wired for two, twenties!"

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When love fades... -- Scarlet A, 15:29:38 04/26/10 Mon
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wifes voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat."

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Replies:
- LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!! (NT) -- ladyphantom, 06:51:10 04/29/10 Thu
- OMG ROFLMAO!!! (NT) -- BrandyC, 23:09:15 05/03/10 Mon
Art I -- Margit, 05:21:23 04/25/10 Sun
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.
"What on earth", she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "Why isn't it?"

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Replies:
- Ha! (NT) -- jayn, 07:22:54 05/03/10 Mon
Art II -- Margit, 05:22:30 04/25/10 Sun
A world famous painter started losing her eyesight in the prime of her career.
After several surgeries and weeks of therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter decided to show her gratitude to her surgeon by painting a mural with pairs of eyes in every shade and shape in his office.

When she finished, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art. One reporter asked the doctor,
"What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office?"
"Thank God I'm not a gynecologist."

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My aunt sent me this one. Enjoy! -- Cathryn_L, 10:23:39 04/16/10 Fri
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you re member about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" God loves drunken people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

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Replies:
- Ha, good one! (NT) -- Scarlet A, 11:05:12 04/16/10 Fri
My Yearly Physical -- Mari L., 16:30:50 04/08/10 Thu
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.

The nurse started with certain basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135", I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.

It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 5", I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5'2".

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" I screamed. "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.

What a bitch.

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Replies:
- I'm sharing this one! (NT) -- Lady Cate, 12:39:29 04/11/10 Sun
groan.................... -- ali cat, 01:13:45 04/07/10 Wed
A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley with a large tank full of various species, and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that little green squid with the hairy lip!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais.
With mild green, hairy lip squid!"

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Replies:
- Google is my friend -- DawnaL, 05:16:06 04/07/10 Wed
- I'm starting to think I am slow. I know the punchline is supposed to be a real quote, but I cannot figure out what it is :( (NT) -- Scarlet A, 15:26:38 04/07/10 Wed
- Hands that do dishes can be as soft as your face with mild green Fairy Liquid, a British dish soap (NT) -- Mags, 17:09:35 04/07/10 Wed
  - Thanks. I don't feel so dumb now. (NT) -- Scarlet A, 09:44:45 04/08/10 Thu
    - oooops sorry girls-- i forgot about the 'great divide' :) (NT) -- ali cat, 11:40:22 04/08/10 Thu
My grandmother used to tell this one. So, it's at least 100 years old: -- Lemora, 23:31:36 04/06/10 Tue
Mrs. MacDougal went to the doctor and he asked her to bring in a urine specimen. When she asked what this was, he told her to ask her husband. So, she did. Flustered, her husband told her to ask her friend, Mrs. MacGillicuddy. So she goes to see Mrs. MacG. A while later, she returns home with her hat askew, scratches down her cheek, her nylons in tatters, and one sleeve of her jacket ripped. Mr. MacDougal looks at his wife, demanding, "What in Gods name happened to you!?" Mrs. MacD responds, "Well, I went to see her just like you said, and asked her what a specimen was. The nerve of that woman!! She said, "Go piss in a bottle!" And I said, "Go shit in your hat! And the fight was on!"

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Replies:
- LOL, I've never heard that one before. Very funny! (NT) -- Lady Oliver, 06:21:18 04/07/10 Wed
- Ha! (NT) -- Lady Cate, 04:52:12 04/08/10 Thu
Happy Easter! Go here to see the chocolate bunnies joke. You'll know what I'm talking about when you see it. http://www.guy-sports.com/months/jokes_easter_bunny.htm -- Connee, 02:10:46 04/04/10 Sun
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Ed -- Lady Elizabeth, 05:36:10 03/31/10 Wed
Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels
for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles
apart. Ed was ecstatic.

He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple
of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts,
movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul
mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed
took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for
their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you.
I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the
next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life
changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I
play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and
breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so
now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a
problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're
being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five
years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table and was quiet
for a moment, deep in thought then he added, "You know, it's probably just
because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off ..."

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Sharing Everything -- Margit, 02:14:21 03/28/10 Sun
There was an elderly couple that went to McDonald's. They ordered one cheeseburger, one large fry, one large drink, and an extra large soda.

When the old couple sat down, the man sitting next to them watched the old man cut the burger in half, taking half of the fries and giving his wife half, and pouring the soda in the extra cup he ordered.

The man at the next table was confused, so he went over there and told the couple that if they couldn't afford a meal for each of them, he would be happy to pay for it. The old man shook his head and told him that there was no need because he and his wife had shared everything for the last 40 years.

The man went back to his seat and then he saw the old man eating while the old woman just sat there doing nothing.

He went over to them again and asked the old lady why she wasn't eating.

She said, "Well, it's his turn to use the teeth."

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Kilt Humor -- Lady Oliver, 12:57:52 03/04/10 Thu
I found this on youtube. I laughed so hard I was crying and continued laughing for about 5 minutes afterwards.

The Birth of the Kilt

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Replies:
- Oh that was soooo funny! Thanks for sharing! (NT) -- Pat, 03:47:14 03/05/10 Fri
- I showed this to DH, he was PHSL!! I love it too!! (NT) -- Sharyn, 21:16:14 03/17/10 Wed
Weight Loss -- Lady Elizabeth, 06:25:31 03/16/10 Tue
Called the weight loss hot line. They said if you want to lose half a pound push #1...........18,000 times.

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Replies:
- I lost a lot of weight. But not to worry, I found it all! (NT) -- jayn, 08:58:49 03/16/10 Tue
Ladies List -- Margit, 00:16:09 03/15/10 Mon
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man - look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

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Replies:
- One more man joke? The most important thing to look for in a man is a large amount of trust....as in fund. (NT) -- jayn, 09:11:53 03/15/10 Mon
Q. What do you call 500 monogrammed, men's handkerchiefs in pristine condition, with little-to-no collectible value, at the bottom of the ocean? A. A GOOD START!! -- Lemora, 11:43:20 03/12/10 Fri
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Lightbulb joke -- Lady Cate, 10:25:32 02/12/10 Fri
How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

>
>
>

Just one, but there's a spectacular twist at the end!

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Replies:
- Heehee *g*. That is a good one. I never heard it before. (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 22:44:51 02/14/10 Sun
- Love it! (NT) -- Astrina-Brenna, 16:39:17 03/11/10 Thu
Last Nickel -- Scarlet A, 08:58:16 03/11/10 Thu
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied.

"I'm with the I.R.S."

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Exercise for computer users -- Lisa, 01:43:26 03/03/10 Wed
Exercise for people doing a lot of sitting at the computer

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag. d:o)

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Hitler on the iPad -- Judie, 22:04:20 02/21/10 Sun
.
.
OK, this is like the video below, but this time about the iPad - it's hilarious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_EcybyLJS8

I love macs -but this is funny........ :D

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Replies:
- Oh that WAS funny! (NT) -- Cathryn_L, 11:20:54 02/22/10 Mon
- hahahaha - that was funny (NT) -- Margy, 14:57:38 03/02/10 Tue
Tickel Me Elmo - Joke of the Day -- CarolSR, 09:55:39 03/01/10 Mon
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles..

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter... After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

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Replies:
- Guffaw!!!!!! Now someone help me off the floor. (NT) -- Connee, 12:24:20 03/01/10 Mon
- hmm.... maybe that explains why my 4 year old son wanted to to call the cat scrotum (NT) -- kry, 18:19:36 03/01/10 Mon
  - LOL, now THAT'S funny! (NT) -- Lady Oliver, 08:43:16 03/02/10 Tue
A Liverpool Love Story -- albion, 11:05:28 02/25/10 Thu

A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.' Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.'

The girl nodded 'Yes', after all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning, and if she still felt bad she could always jump overboard.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. ''I have an arrangement with one of the sailors', she explained. 'I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me.'

'He certainly is', the captain said. 'This is the Birkenhead Ferry.'

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Replies:
- LOL (NT) -- Keira, 12:49:38 02/25/10 Thu
- Ha! (NT) -- Lady Cate, 11:10:10 02/26/10 Fri
Too bad it isn't election year. -- jayn, 12:22:08 02/16/10 Tue
> While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is
> tragically hit by a truck and dies.
>
> His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
>
> 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems
> there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you
> see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
>
> 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
>
> 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
> have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
> where to spend eternity.'
>
> 'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
>
> 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
>
> And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
> down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of
> a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front
> of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
>
> Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
> shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting
> rich at the expense of the people.
>
> They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
> champagne.
>
> Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who
> has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good
> time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
>
> Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
> rises...
>
> The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
> Peter is waiting for him.
>
> 'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
>
> So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving
> from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time
> and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
> returns.
>
> 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
> choose your eternity.'
>
> The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have
> said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be
> better off in hell.'
>
> So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down
> to hell.
>
> Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
> land covered with waste and garbage.
>
> He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
> putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
>
> The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I
> don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a
> golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
> champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland
> full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
> What happened?'
>
> The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were
> campaigning.. ..
>
>
> Today you voted!!!'

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Replies:
- Here we have the same joke with this guy who is famous in the advertising world... "yesterday you saw the ad, today you get the product" (NT) -- Pat, 05:58:06 02/22/10 Mon
Subject Scam - be warned ladies -- albion, 01:52:22 02/16/10 Tue
Please please please - make yourself aware of where this is happening AND tell your friends!

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Morrisons supermarket in Aberdeen for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking young men with foreign accents come over to your car and help pack your shopping into the boot. They then both start cleaning your windscreen. Their firm young bodies bulging out of their skimpy vest tops. It's impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Asda's at Bridge of Don . You agree and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting himself against you, while the other one steals your purse!

I had my purse stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also January 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.

So Be Warned!

P.S. Lidl have purses on sale for £1.99 each, Aldi are £1.75 and look nicer.

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Replies:
- I loved this, passed it along to a lot of folk. (NT) -- jayn, 07:45:48 02/17/10 Wed
- hahaha love it Max (NT) -- Gwen, 10:00:06 02/21/10 Sun
BLACK BRA -- CarolSR, 15:12:09 02/17/10 Wed
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

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Replies:
- Oh Lord, was that my dh? (NT) -- jayn, 06:08:48 02/18/10 Thu
- No jayn, that was probably my dh. lol (NT) -- LadyGrace, 11:03:47 02/19/10 Fri

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