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• IF HORSES WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL -- annieo, 16:09:08 05/16/07 Wed
  
  Quarter Horses: Definitely jocks. Strutting around flexing those
  muscles, showing off their butts. Not real bright, but get passed on
  since they are responsible for all the trophies in the glass cases.
  (Paints-just QH with too much make up on).
  
  Thoroughbreds: Preppies. They are athletes, never'jocks' .
  Monogrammed blankets, leather halters, Nike eventer shoes, the latest
  custom trailer and tack.
  
  Appaloosas: Could only be the stoners. They like to drop acid so
  they can watch their spots move.
  
  Arabians: RAH! RAH! SIS BOOM BAH!
  GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO O TEAM!! (need I Say more?)
  
  Shetland Ponies: Frightening, spiky hairdos, snotty attitude and
  any color of the rainbow. Gotta be PUNKS. Some even sport tattoos.
  
  Friesians: Big, buff, and always in black, they are the biker
  clique. Cigs hanging out of the corner of their mouths, dangerous
  glint in the eyes, daring anyone to cross their path.
  
  Morgans: They're the nerdy teacher's pets, running around doing
  everything from yearbook to decorating the gym and ratting out the
  bikers, stoners and jocks.
  They have perpetual wedgies.
  
  Drafts (all breeds): No real clique, they're just the big guys who
  sit In the back of the room and fart a lot (and then laugh). Who's
  going to STOP them?
  
  Icelandics and Paso Finos: They're the little squirrelly geeks who
  flit around a dance trying to fit in and fail miserably. The kind who
  wear toughskins jeans from Sears (or would that be ripoff WeathaBeetas? ?)
  
  Ahkle Tekl (Akle Takl? Ackle Tackle....!! Akhal Teke!!):
  Exchange student(s). And no one can spell their names either.
  
  Hackney Ponies: A breed this manic would have to be band geeks
  marching along with their knees and heads held high.....even going to
  the bathroom.
  
  Warmbloods: The school staff and faculty. Looking down their noses
  with righteous indignation and disgust. Secretly wishing they were
  having half as much fun.
  
  Saddlebreds: The popular ones. The pretty ones. The gifted
  students. Always voted homecoming king or queen. Always only date
  each other. Frequently marry after dating through high school and
  college and obtain their M.D. Move to a wealthy suburb and have 2.5
  beautiful children. Everyone hopes they will divorce or get fat or go
  broke, but they never do.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Thanks for a really good laugh, Mine are Preppies, Shoes? Yes made for them AND more than one set ! Racing plates are not cheap! Transport? Yes of course! They have to go to work and can't exactly get on a bus! Monogrammed blankets? Naturally! Leather head collars? Oohh yes, very important AND with a brass name plate engraved with their names. BUT I keep them for life so their "outfits" last them approx 26 years! Loved the descriptions of the 'also rans' !!!! (NT) -- Kirsty, 18:20:35 05/20/07 Sun

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• Librarians!>>> -- Lolkate, 17:09:28 05/20/07 Sun
  A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
  
  "Excuse me Miss, day ye hav any books on suicide?"
  
  Looking over the top of her glasses, she stops doing her tasks and says,
  
  "Fauk off, ye'll no brring it back!"
  

  [Edit]
  

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• The Evolution of Mom -- Traci_Mc, 10:49:58 05/20/07 Sun
  Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:
  
  Your Clothes -
  
  1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
  2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
  3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.
  
  The Baby's Name -
  
  1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
  2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
  3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!
  
  Preparing for the Birth -
  
  1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
  2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
  3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
  
  The Layette -
  
  1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
  2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
  3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
  
  Worries -
  
  1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.
  2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
  3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
  
  Activities -
  
  1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
  2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
  3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
  
  Going Out -
  
  1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
  2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
  3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
  
  At Home -
  
  1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
  2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
  3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
  

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• New Family Driver -- Traci_Mc, 10:45:18 05/20/07 Sun
  Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
  
  "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
  
  "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
  

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• Chicken Farmer -- Lady Elizabeth, 06:14:40 05/19/07 Sat
  "You gotta do something" Farmer John told the sheriff, 'Speeders are killing my chickens.'
  The next day, workers erected a sign near the farm ; Slow - School Crossing.
  Three days later, John called again, "That sign's not helping. Folks ignore it."
  So the sheriff sent out workers with a new sign: Slow - Children at Play.
  Three days later, Farmer John picked up the phone again. "Can I make my own sign?"
  The sheriff agreed. Three week later, he called to check on John. " How's that new sign working out for you?' he asked.
  "Great!" the farmer replied. "Not one chicken has been killed since I put it up."
  Thinking such an effective sign might be useful elsewhere, the sheriff went to see it. The new sign read - Nudist colony - Go slow and watch for chicks.
  

  [Edit]
  

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• A farmer goes into a bar... -- annieo, 16:04:03 05/16/07 Wed
  A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
  
  "What a coincidence," the farmer said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
  
  "This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" said the woman.
  
  "What a coincidence" said the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
  
  "My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant!"
  
  "What a coincidence," said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
  
  "Fancy that!" said the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"
  
  "I used a different cock," he replied.
  
  The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."
  

  [Edit]
  

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• Country Humor? -- Florence, 21:56:36 05/15/07 Tue
  
  A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
  
  On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feedstore and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
  
  While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
  She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"
  The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
  
  The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
  
  "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
  
  On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
  
  The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
  
  The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, and, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
  
  The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
  

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• Politically Correct -- Kyrie, 04:06:05 05/14/07 Mon
  Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, those hill folk will no longer be referred to as
  "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
  
  HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
  
  1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
  
  2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
  
  3. She is not a "DUMB BLOND" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
  
  4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED
  COMPANION."
  
  5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
  
  6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
  
  
  HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
  
  1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
  
  2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
  
  3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES
  ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
  
  4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
  
  >> 5. He does not act like a "TOTAL BUTT HEAD" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
  
  6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • As a true Appalachian- American I'll say, those were funny! I especially liked the case of "Rectal-Cranial Inversion" (NT) -- Whiskey Eyes, 05:57:23 05/14/07 Mon

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• In honor of Mother's Day -- Whiskey Eyes, 19:03:46 05/08/07 Tue
  I got this through email and nearly died laughing. I have no idea where this story originated, or if it's even true. I do know that it is funny. Hope you all enjoy!
  
  Subject: Chapstick
  
  So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died.
  Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him
  and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day
  long on this mat in our bathroom. Well, we have 3 kids and at the time
  of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The
  middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He
  kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one
  day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he
  could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the
  drawer when he was done.
  
  Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and
  try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My
  two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to
  nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up.
  Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a
  wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood. We
  finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I
  am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round
  the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was
  applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . rear end. Eli
  looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you
  know that he is right -- their little butts do look pretty chapped. And,
  frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind. And the only question to really
  ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to
  the cat's behind or the hundredth. And THAT is my favorite Mother's
  Day moment ever because it reminds us
  that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little
  creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been
  using your chapstick on the cat's butt.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Now that's funny! No matter how hard we try....amen to that. (NT) -- TanyaB, 19:16:13 05/08/07 Tue
  • Reminds me of when I went to use my toothbrush and gagged on the the taste of it. turns out my 3 year old was cleaning the sink overflow hole out with it. (NT) -- Lady Elizabeth, 11:34:32 05/09/07 Wed
    • Auch! I once caught my first son taking my toothbrush and carefully trying to adjust it to the dog's mouth. (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 21:59:19 05/13/07 Sun

  ---

• Funny one-liners -- Traci Mc., 21:07:06 05/09/07 Wed
  ' 'Tis a brave man who wears the kilt in January.' --Scottish saying
  'Veni, Vidi, Velcro' - I came, I saw, I stuck around.
  A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer and a mop.
  Above all else: Sky.
  Any twelve people who can't get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers.
  Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
  Do you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around the world, three quarters of them would drown?
  Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
  Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
  Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
  I before E except after C. We live in a weird society!
  Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
  Meanwhile, back at the ranch, tension mounted, clicked his spurs and rode off.
  Monarchs are acceptable, but we draw the line at Rulers.
  Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.
  

  [Edit]
  

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• How true! See inside reply... -- Lolkate, 06:24:26 05/07/07 Mon
  [Edit]
  
  Replies:
  • In here>>> -- Lolkate, 06:25:24 05/07/07 Mon
    • Yep - used to work in local government, can totally relate to this! (NT) -- SueP, 18:35:30 05/08/07 Tue
  • This is REALLY FUNNY to me - I work with a bunch of architects! (NT) -- madelyn, 06:35:55 05/07/07 Mon

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• Mothers Day is Coming -- DonnElaine, 15:21:05 05/01/07 Tue
  Since mothers day is coming I thought you'd get a laugh out of this video. I know I did.
  
  http://emuse.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/195
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • How did they sneak in my house and capture my two DS LOL (NT) -- Lady Elizabeth, 02:35:18 05/02/07 Wed
  • I saw this a couple years ago. If my DS had a sibling, I'm sure it would be like this. He'd be the one in the back. lol (NT) -- LadyGrace, 20:20:33 05/04/07 Fri
  • Thanks for the laugh! I saw this a couple years ago, but it was great to see it again. I do believe those are my two kids in 10 years. (NT) -- Cathryn_L, 10:50:38 05/08/07 Tue

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• I have always loved these guys - for years, back when they were called LIFE IN HELL, not LIFE IS SWELL. -- Judie, 14:02:01 05/07/07 Mon
  .
  .
  
  
  Too funny. :D
  
  Judie
  

  [Edit]
  

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• Bedtime Story -- Jae-the-Girl, 20:19:41 04/30/07 Mon
  Husband and wife in bed together.
  
  She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
  
  She: "Oh, that feels good."
  
  His hand moves to her breast.
  
  She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
  
  His hand moves to her leg.
  
  She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
  
  But he stops.
  
  She: "Why did you stop?"
  
  He: "I found the remote."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • This could be our house!!!! (NT) -- AmandaW, 01:08:42 05/01/07 Tue
  • Hey you! Get outta my room, lol. (NT) -- LadyGrace, 07:20:28 05/07/07 Mon

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• One in from Melva. :D -- Judie, 08:51:36 05/05/07 Sat
  .
  .
  
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • This is great! You wouldn't want to be up that creek without a paddle would you? (NT) -- Mari L., 12:20:23 05/05/07 Sat

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• Making babies -- LadyBelle, 10:18:30 05/02/07 Wed
  The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
  
  
  "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
  
  
  "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
  
  
  "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat". After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
  
  
  "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
  
  
  "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
  
  
  "My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
  
  
  "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
  
  
  The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
  
  
  "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
  
  
  "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
  
  
  "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours,too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
  
  
  Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
  
  
  "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
  
  
  "Tripod?"
  
  
  "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
  
  
  
  Mrs. Smith fainted.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Too funny!! (NT) -- abby, 12:01:48 05/02/07 Wed
  • I'm a photographer, and enjoyed this a lot. (NT) -- Brookita, 23:06:15 05/02/07 Wed

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• Now you know why Government is in the shape that it's in! (another oldie but goodie) -- annieo, 08:26:01 05/02/07 Wed
  Perhaps this will explain it all .
  
  A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!
  
  1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
  
  2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go
  to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa." Her response - click.
  
  3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin
  state!"
  
  4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it
  possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
  
  5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he
  could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will
  need a car to drive between gates to save time."
  
  6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to
  know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
  
  7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting
  her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
  
  8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"
  
  9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who
  asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."
  
  10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to
  Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"
  
  11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the
  documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I
  double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
  
  12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York" I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came
  back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal".
  

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• CHEERS TO THE WALMART GREETER! -- Jae-the-Girl, 19:42:39 04/30/07 Mon
  As I was retrieving a shopping cart in Walmart yesterday a particularly unkempt, unattractive and mean spirited woman who actually reeked of body odor pushed me aside. Shoving past me, the woman snarled at her kids, almost knocking another older lady down, grabbed the first cart and swung it around, hitting an older man working there as a Walmart Greeter.
  
  As she pulled the cart away from the Greeter's stomach, in a kind and friendly voice the Greeter said, while gesturing towards the two children,"Are they twins?" Glaring at him she snapped back saying, "No you old fool, the brat's 9 and the little witch is 7, are you so blind you think they look alike?"
  
  "No," calmly replied the Greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
  
  God loves those old people.
  

  [Edit]
  

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• You Can Be the Man of Your House -- FaeLass, 17:03:31 04/30/07 Mon
  The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE MAN of Your House." He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
  
  "You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptious dessert.
  
  "After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
  
  "Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
  
  "Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
  
  The wife replied, "The f***in' funeral director would be my first guess."
  

  [Edit]
  

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• Another naughty one -- daisy, 21:19:47 04/27/07 Fri
  The Wedding
  
  
  My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over 2 years, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.
  
  It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
  
  One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
  
  Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
  
  I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
  
  Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
  With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said,
  We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better
  man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
  
  And the moral of this story is:
  
  Always keep your condoms in your car.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Oh man! I didn't see that one coming! (NT) -- TanyaB, 19:54:21 04/28/07 Sat

  ---

• Geriatric Wedding Night -- FluffyFogg (Alittle naughty but cute!), 09:06:04 04/26/07 Thu
  Geriatric Wedding night
  
  Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first. Back in those days there was no hanky-panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.
  
  Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years. However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition, and would have to tell Chester that they could not "do it." Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed.
  
  When she reappears in her satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started, he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as the nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.
  
  In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen up close since his own mother's. It is hanging there down to her belly button, gravity having taken its toll over some sixty years. He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going have to be helped a little more, so he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him.
  
  Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell
  Chester about her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, "Chester I have acute angina."
  
  
  Chester says, "I hope so, 'cause you've sure got ugly tits."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • "unroll downward' !!!! (NT) -- TanyaB, 10:50:37 04/26/07 Thu
    • ewwwww, what a lovely thought! (NT) -- alison, 08:51:04 04/27/07 Fri

  ---

• I found this from an Finnish site, I have no idea whether it is true or not - or even, what is Neiman-Marcus. But if it IS true, the lady's revenge was good. And if not... well, the story is good. (I have no idea how this story ended to a Finnish site, but... in Internet you have the whole world.) -- Margit, 11:25:44 04/24/07 Tue
  BISCUIT RECIPE
  
  This is a true story. Please forward when you finish reading! A little background: Neiman-Marcus, if you don't know already, is a very expensive shop; I.e. they sell a typical $8.00 t-shirt for $50.00.
  
  My daughter and I had just finished lunch at a Neiman-Marcus Cafe inDallas. Because both of us are such biscuit lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus cookie". It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe. The waitress said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not, but you can BUY the recipe." I asked how much, and she responded; "Only two fifty - it's a great deal!" I agreed to that, and told her to add it to my
  bill. Thirty days later, I got my VISA statement, and the Neiman-Marcus charge was $285.00. I looked at it again, and I Remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two sandwiches and about $20.00 for a scarf. At the bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe-$250.00". That was outrageous! I called
  Neiman's Accounting Department and told them the waitress had said it was "two fifty", which clearly does not mean "two hundred and fifty dollars" by any reasonable interpretation of the phrase.
  
  Neiman-Marcus refused to budge. They would not refund my money because, according to them; "What the waitress told you is not our problem. You havealready seen the recipe. We absolutely will not refund your money."
  
  I explained to the Accounting Department lady the criminal statutes which govern fraud in the state of Texas. I threatened to report them to the Better Business Bureau and the Texas Attorney General's office.
  I was basically told: Do what you want. Don't bother thinking of how you can get even, and don't bother trying to get any of your money back.
  
  I said, OK, you've got my $250, and now I'm going to have $250 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover in the world with an e-mail account gets a $250 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus... For free.
  
  She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do that." I said, "Well, perhaps you should have thought of that before you RIPPED ME OFF!" and slammed down the phone.
  So here it is!
  Please pass it on to everyone you can possibly think of. I paid $250 for this, and I don't want Neiman-Marcus to EVER Make another penny from this recipe!
  
  NEIMAN-MARCUS COOKIES
  (Recipe may be halved)
  
  2 (500 ml) cups butter
  24 oz. (680 g) chocolate chips
  4 (1000 ml) cups flour
  2 (500 ml) cups brown sugar
  2 tsp. (10 ml) (Bicarb) soda
  1 tsp. (5 ml) salt
  2 (500 ml) cups sugar
  18 oz. (500 g) Hershey Bar (grated).
  (Cadbury chocolate for Australians & South Africans)
  5 (1250 ml) cups blended oatmeal
  4 eggs
  2 tsp. (10 ml) baking powder
  2 tsp. (10 ml) vanilla
  3 cups (375 ml) chopped nuts ( optional )
  
  Measure oatmeal, and blend in a blender to a fine powder.
  Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla, mix together with flour, Oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and Bicarb (soda).
  Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar, and nuts.Roll into balls, and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet.
  Bake for 10 minutes at (180 °C) 375 degrees.
  The above quantities make ± 112 cookies.
  Enjoy!
  
  This is not a joke-it's a true story.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • This is so funny - it's been floating around for years. DH's secretary gave it to me in the early to mid 1990's. A coworker found it recently & thought it was new. Try the recipe!! It's really good regardless of whether this is true or not *G*. (NT) -- MaryJ, 20:00:24 04/24/07 Tue
  • I had always assumed that this was a true story, but on a lark I just checked Snopes and it's not! But it's funny, N-M has started selling cookies in response to it! I'll put the link inside. -- Jennifer P., 09:45:35 04/25/07 Wed
  • I've made these and they are good cookies but this recipe mades a HUGE batch. I'd suggest you cut it in half. (NT) -- RuthLass, 20:30:35 04/26/07 Thu

  ---

• Department of Agriculture -- Kyrie, 19:52:32 04/24/07 Tue
  Department of Agriculture
  
  
  
  Just Like a Gub'ment Official
  
  A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and
  talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your
  farm.'
  
  The old farmer said 'OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder.'
  
  The Agriculture representative said, 'Mr., I have the authority of the
  U. S.
  Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go
  WHEREVER I wish on any agricultural land....no questions asked or
  answered.
  Do you understand?'
  
  The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, he
  heard
  loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture Rep running for the
  fence
  and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was
  madder than a nest full of hornets. The bull was gaining on the Rep at
  every
  step.
  
  The Old farmer called out, 'Show him your card!! Show him your card!!'
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • I love it!!! (I'm a farmer & deal with them gub'mint guys from time to time...) (NT) -- annieo, 14:27:17 04/25/07 Wed

  ---

• This is too funny -- Whiskey Eyes, 18:52:44 04/23/07 Mon
  Redneck Sling shot>>>
  
  Click here http://youtube.com/watch?v=acsz0o2jtzg
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • HOLY COW!!! My heart just STOPPED watching that! whew. I'm gonna need a break. :P (NT) -- JustGina, 22:53:38 04/23/07 Mon
  • CRAP!!!! No way. (NT) -- Alissa, 06:09:11 04/24/07 Tue
  • There are days when I am glad I am afraid of heights (NT) -- LadyBelle, 14:19:41 04/24/07 Tue
  • This is the kind of stuff that gives us Southerners such a bad name!!! I know people who would jump at the chance to try this out. (NT) -- TanyaB, 18:09:56 04/24/07 Tue
  • We have bungee ropes and the ATV so sent this to my DH if he wants to give it a go. Just kidding! I know he has more sense. At least I hope so.. (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 00:11:00 04/25/07 Wed

  ---

• grampa -- Lady Elizabeth, 06:20:45 04/24/07 Tue
  A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair,
  wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
  
  
  "Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.
  The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
  
  
  "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
  
  
  The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
  This is your Grandma's' idea."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • *snort* Poor Grandma! (NT) -- JustGina, 09:20:12 04/24/07 Tue

  ---

• AN OPEN LETTER TO MR . JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. -- LadyBelle, 06:10:37 04/20/07 Fri
  Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
  
  Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I 'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
  
  As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
  
  The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
  
  Are you f**king kidding me?
  
  What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
  
  Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bulls**t.
  
  And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
  
  Wendi Aarons
  
  Austin , TX
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • OMG, That was hilarious. (NT) -- LadyGrace, 06:29:00 04/20/07 Fri
  • I love this, it's hilarious (NT) -- Amalee, 19:38:02 04/20/07 Fri
  • can we really send this to him? I cuss at whoever put that there on a monthly basis... (NT) -- shellb, 13:51:56 04/21/07 Sat
  • Have a Happy Period ????? JHRC!!!!!!! (NT) -- annieo, 19:47:38 04/23/07 Mon

  ---

• Men Shouldn't Sky Dive Naked -- JustGina (shocked!), 10:26:40 04/15/07 Sun
  Have you guys seen this yet? It's rather horrifying, and I wouldn't watch it with your kids. It does show a body part. *snerk* Click here for Why naked men shouldn't skydive
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • OMG - that is sooo funny!!! (NT) -- Mari L., 13:34:14 04/15/07 Sun
  • OMG!!! ow ow ow. . . hahahahaha!! (NT) -- kgp, 17:15:59 04/15/07 Sun
  • That looks painful! (NT) -- TanyaB, 09:45:38 04/16/07 Mon
  • Hmmm...when I clicked on the link, it says "file no longer exists". (NT) -- Keira, 04:36:06 04/18/07 Wed
    • Huh. I guess they took it off. Poo. (NT) -- JustGina, 10:54:53 04/18/07 Wed
      • Go onto YouTube and type in 'naked skydiving'. You'll find it (and more!) (NT) -- Kirsten, 13:08:51 04/18/07 Wed
        • Now THAT'S a scary thought! (NT) -- JustGina, 13:03:24 04/21/07 Sat

  ---

• Two funny videos -- Judie, 21:23:13 04/18/07 Wed
  .
  .
  Ok - click on the links - too funny!
  
  http://youtube.com/watch?v=CSEauQHv7iQ
  
  http://youtube.com/watch?v=Q0qia3KsELk&mode=related&search=
  
  
  Addition!
  
  http://media.putfile.com/Animal-gatinha-pianista
  
  Cat playing the piano. So cute. :D
  
  Oh - wait!
  
  Might as well add in another one - now THIS will make you laugh I think. :D
  
  http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4506853277901840957
  
  
  
  I hope they work for you.
  
  Judie
  

  Last edited by author: Fri April 20, 2007 21:01:19   Edited 2 times.
  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • That first one, where the lady takes out the little kid on the slide just cracks me up! (NT) -- JustGina, 23:04:00 04/18/07 Wed
  • Here's another really good one... <a href="http://youtube.com/watch?v=jrenjTLjyfw">Click for a giggle</a> -- Whiskey Eyes, 19:45:26 04/19/07 Thu
    • Well, that didn't work right. I put a link inside too, so just click and go in for the link. (NT) -- Whiskey Eyes, 19:47:02 04/19/07 Thu
  • Those are great - Thanks for sharing! (NT) -- kgp, 04:11:15 04/21/07 Sat

  ---

• Male Strippers -- FaeLass, 14:47:08 04/13/07 Fri
  Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.
  
  When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
  
  Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
  
  In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill.
  
  I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
  
  My relief was short-lived.
  
  Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
  
  What could I do?
  
  
  
  The woman in me took over!
  
  I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt,
  
  Grabbed the eighty bucks,
  
  and left!!!!
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • ROFL!!! Oh my..... (NT) -- abby, 16:08:50 04/13/07 Fri
  • WooHoo!!!!! Loved that! She sure is my kind of woman! (NT) -- Whiskey Eyes, 17:38:03 04/14/07 Sat
  • Hee hee! Go Red Hats. Gotta love those debit cards. (NT) -- Gina C, 04:34:20 04/15/07 Sun
  • ROFLMAO - even DH chuckled at this one (NT) -- CindyS, 20:08:10 04/17/07 Tue

  ---

• Three Women go down to Mexico -- Cindy G, 11:19:47 04/12/07 Thu
  Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
  
  The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immed iately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
  
  The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall
  to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
  
  The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the Georgia Tech and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • ROTFL! (NT) -- Gina C, 04:37:26 04/15/07 Sun

  ---

• Wabbits -- kgp, 06:33:01 04/05/07 Thu
  
  A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
  
  As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
  
  She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python wealwy gives a thit."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • I love this one!! LOLOLOLLL......... (NT) -- Niseold, 16:23:53 04/09/07 Mon

  ---

• http://www.devilducky.com/media/57946 Tech Support for a new invention - the BOOK -- Green Dragon, 07:54:39 04/05/07 Thu
  [Edit]
  
  Replies:
  • Thank you for posting this! I saw it a while ago (on the SB, maybe?) and didn't save the link. This is so reflective of my computer skills *BG* (NT) -- MaryJ, 19:38:01 04/05/07 Thu

  ---

• This one may have been posted before, but it was so accurate to my life, I had to post -- Whiskey Eyes, 19:12:13 04/04/07 Wed
  Recently, I was diagnosed with C. A. A. D. D. - Child Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
  
  This is how it manifests:
  
  
  I decide to do the laundry. As I start toward the basement, I notice that there are cheerios all over the floor and my car keys are in the cereal bowl.
  
  
  I decide to pick up the cheerios before I do the laundry. I lay my car keys down on the counter, put the cheerios in the trash can under the counter, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to take out the trash.
  
  
  But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left, my extra checks are in my desk in the office/playroom, so I go to my desk where I find a sippy cup full of juice. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I decide I should put the sippy cup in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
  
  
  As I head toward the kitchen with the sippy cup, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye -- they need to be watered. I set the sippy cup on the counter, and I discover baby wipes that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back in the bathroom, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
  
  
  I set the wipes back down, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote, one of the kids left it on the kitchen table. I realize that after school when they go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote as they fight over who lost it, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
  
  
  I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down, get some paper towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
  
  
  At the end of the day: the laundry isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm cup of juice sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find the wipes, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
  
  
  Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
  
  
  Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Are you kidding? This is how I clean the house! :) It's also why I don't like cleaning when anyone is home - it looks so disjointed! But eventually I DO get things done... (NT) -- Green Dragon, 07:29:44 04/05/07 Thu

  ---

• How to install a home security system -- Lady Cate (The Chocolate Queen), 04:37:31 03/30/07 Fri
  1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's work boots, size 16.
  
  2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine, and several NRA magazines.
  
  3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
  
  4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
  
  Hey Bubba,
  Big Jim, Duke, Wild Bill, and I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was kind of hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
  
  Later,
  Billy Bob
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Mwahahaha! I like it! (NT) -- Leigh, 05:05:30 04/05/07 Thu

  ---

• Grannies on the Road -- LizT, 16:54:13 04/04/07 Wed
  Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!"
  So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
  The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"
  
  The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken."
  
  "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 127."
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Games for When We're Older -- Kyrie, 19:56:45 03/31/07 Sat
  GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
  
  1. Sag, you're It.
  2. Hide and go pee.
  3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
  4. Kick the bucket
  5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
  6. Musical recliners.
  7. Simon says something incoherent.
  
  
  SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
  
  1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
  2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
  3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
  
  
  OLD IS WHEN:
  
  1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
  2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
  3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
  4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
  5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
  
  
  
  THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEKEND:
  
  Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
  simply press 'Ctr-Alt-Delete' and start all over?
  
  
  Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
  -- And you thought it was gravity!
  
  
  If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have
  started with something called labor!
  
  
  Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever!
  
  
  But Most Of All, Remember A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard
  to Find, Supportive,
  Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• 13 Things PMS Stands For - not exactly a joke but certainly funny! -- oorjanie, 12:39:17 03/22/07 Thu
  13 Things PMS Stands For:
  
  1. Pass My Shotgun
  
  2. Psychotic Mood Shift
  
  3. Perpetual Munching Spree
  
  4. Puffy Mid-Section
  
  5. People Make me Sick
  
  6. Provide Me with Sweets
  
  7. Pardon My Sobbing
  
  8. Pimples May Surface
  
  9. Pass My Sweat pants
  
  10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
  
  11. Plainly; Men Suck
  
  12. Pack My Stuff
  
  13. Potential Murder Suspect
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • My brother, Mike, always said PMS stood for Problems with Michael's Sisters. Too right! (NT) -- LissC, 07:28:55 03/31/07 Sat

  ---

• Pet's Diary -- CindyS, 08:31:05 03/23/07 Fri
  DOG DIARY
  
  8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
  
  9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
  
  9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
  
  10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
  
  12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
  
  1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
  
  3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
  
  5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
  
  7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
  
  8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with my people! My favorite thing!
  
  11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
  
  
  CAT DIARY
  
  Day 983 of my captivity.
  
  My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
  
  They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
  
  The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
  
  In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
  
  Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
  
  feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
  
  There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
  
  Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
  
  I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
  
  The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
  
  The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
  
  For now..
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • I love this. My favourite!! (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 00:00:37 03/26/07 Mon
  • Too Funny! Has to be excerpts from my pets' diaries! (NT) -- EllenG, 11:43:49 03/26/07 Mon
  • So much like my dogs and cats!! Very funny. I got a copy of this some time ago and in the middle of all the dog's favorites was: Bathtime - Bummer... (NT) -- annieo, 13:28:07 03/26/07 Mon
  • That one made me snort! I gotta check in here more often! (NT) -- LissC, 07:28:07 03/31/07 Sat

  ---

• The Final Three Bears Story -- Lady Elizabeth, 04:44:29 03/29/07 Thu
  Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?", he squeaks.
  Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!", he roars.
  Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. I t was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, clea ned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cau se I'm only going to say this one more time.
  
  "I HAVEN'T MADE THE F.. . ing G PORRIDGE YET"!
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • LOL - ain't it the truth! (NT) -- LissC, 07:24:14 03/31/07 Sat

  ---

• Here are some jokes for irritated women... -- LissC, 07:38:01 03/29/07 Thu
  [Edit]
  
  Replies:
  • In here>>> -- LissC, 07:38:44 03/29/07 Thu

  ---

• Not Tonight -- Jae-the-Girl, 21:48:53 03/28/07 Wed
  One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
  
  The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
  
  I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
  
  So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
  
  She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?"
  
  Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep...
  
  The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
  
  We went out to a good lunch and then went shopping at a very big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
  
  She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.
  
  She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said "Let's get a pair for each outfit".
  
  We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
  
  Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
  
  I started to think she was testing me because she then asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
  
  I think I threw her when I said, "That's fine, honey."
  
  She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
  
  Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
  
  I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
  
  Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"
  
  I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
  
  And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
  
  Apparently I'm no
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Don't know what happened there--punch line is: Apparently, I'm not having sex tonight, either! (NT) -- Jae-the-Girl, 21:50:23 03/28/07 Wed

  ---

• getting even -- Lady Elizabeth, 02:44:44 03/28/07 Wed
  "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
  
  As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
  
  "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
  
  "No," she replied," but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• cheating death -- Lady Elizabeth, 08:38:21 03/27/07 Tue
  1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.
  2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?
  1st woman : I Froze to Death.
  2nd woman : How Horrible!
  1st woman : It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
  2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
  1st woman : So, what happened?
  2nd woman : I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
  with a heart attack and died.
  1st woman : Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • I had to phone roomie with this one - we knew the budgie jumping joke but cracked up over the others. Thanks for the laugh. (NT) -- Mairghread, 13:35:11 03/27/07 Tue

  ---

• Extreme sports by Irish men>> -- Wilhelmiina, 01:55:44 03/27/07 Tue
  [Edit]
  
  Replies:
  • in here please >> -- Wilhelmiina, 01:56:18 03/27/07 Tue

  ---

• I love this! -- Judie, 12:43:16 03/26/07 Mon
  .
  .
  It's a YouTube video - Joy's Fat Rant - check it out - totally fun!
  
  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUTJQIBI1oA
  
  Judie
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• NEW BORN BABY -- devenhuis, 14:53:34 03/21/07 Wed
  A married couple went to the hospital to have thier baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
  
  The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for staters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor pains progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
  
  The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
  
  The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
  
  Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
  
  When they got home, they found the mailman on the porch, dead.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • OMG BWHAHA!! Good one. (NT) -- Alissa, 19:53:32 03/21/07 Wed

  ---

• Wee boy playing! -- Lolkate, 07:02:43 03/19/07 Mon
  A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.
  "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
  
  Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
  Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
  
  When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
  
  When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
  "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
  He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"
  
  
  You're laughing aren't you...I know you are!!!
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • OMG, that is gross, but yes I was laughing. (NT) -- LadyGrace, 09:16:32 03/20/07 Tue

  ---

• Wrong answer ! ! -- LadyGrace, 09:14:36 03/20/07 Tue
  WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
  
  HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
  
  WIFE: "Why not- don't you like being married?"
  
  HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
  
  WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
  
  HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
  
  WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurtful look on her face)
  
  HUSBAND: (makes load groan)
  
  WIFE: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
  
  HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
  
  WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
  
  HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
  
  WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
  
  HUSBAND: "I guess so."
  
  WIFE: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
  
  HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed."
  
  WIFE: ---silence--
  
  HUSBAND: DAMN!!!
  
  ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD-LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.
  YOU ALL WILL BE SAFE .....
  
  I'M JUST E-MAILING TO SAY GOODBYE
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Subject: Compulsory Training Course - WICOE (Women in Charge of Everything) -- RosemaryQ, 11:30:35 03/17/07 Sat
  is proud to announce the opening of its
  
  EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
  
  
  OPEN TO MEN ONLY
  ALL ARE WELCOME
  
  Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will
  accept a maximum of eight participants
  
  The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
  
  
  DAY ONE
  
  HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
  Step by step guide with slide presentation
  
  TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
  Roundtable discussion
  
  DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR Practicing with hamper
  (Pictures and graphics)
  
  DISHES & SILVERWARE;
  DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
  OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
  Debate among a panel of experts.
  
  REMOTE CONTROL
  Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups
  
  LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
  Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house
  upside down while screaming - Open forum
  
  
  DAY TWO
  
  EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
  DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
  Group discussion and role play
  
  HEALTH WATCH;
  BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
  PowerPoint presentation
  
  REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
  Real life testimonial from the one man who did
  
  IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
  AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
  Driving simulation
  
  LIVING WITH ADULTS;
  BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
  YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
  Online class and role playing
  
  HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
  Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
  
  REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
  & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
  Bring your calendar or PDA to class
  
  GETTING OVER IT;
  LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
  Individual counsellors available
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • This is great! I think I'll forward it to my DH! (NT) -- abby, 06:53:39 03/20/07 Tue

  ---

• Chinese Wedding Night! -- SueP, 04:03:03 03/14/07 Wed
  A Chinese couple get married - - she is a virgin. Truth be told, he is not too experienced either. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses, then he climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.
  
  "My darring" he says, "I know dis yoo firss time and you berry fwighten. I pwamis yoo, I gib yoo anyting you wan, I do anyting - juss ask...Anyting yoo wan. Whatchoo wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
  
  A thoughtful silence follows as he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan try someping I have hear about... Numbaa 69."
  
  More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries…
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Scroll down....
  
  
  
  
  
  
  "Yoo wan... Chicken wiff Broccori '' ??
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Oh, that's a good one. I sent it on. Had me LOL! (NT) -- Conmama, 09:04:39 03/14/07 Wed
  • Mwaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha! (NT) -- Leigh, 21:53:58 03/19/07 Mon

  ---

• Ok - I'm sure this will get some laughs. :D -- Judie, 21:14:03 03/15/07 Thu
  .
  .
  This is totally nutty! You can thank my niece for it. :D
  
  Judie
  
  
  
  http://my.break.com/media/view.aspx?ContentID=220536
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • OMG!!! I have no words*g* (NT) -- dale, 10:37:16 03/16/07 Fri
  • OMG...Thats hilarious. Now I finally know what to buy DH for his birthday !! (NT) -- Iona H, 09:01:04 03/17/07 Sat
  • ROFLMAO! Too freakin' funny! (NT) -- Leigh, 21:53:13 03/19/07 Mon

  ---

• Another Irish joke -- LadyBelle, 10:06:24 03/19/07 Mon
  Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
  
  He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
  
  Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
  
  He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
  
  In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
  
  She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
  
  Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
  
  "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
  

  [Edit]
  

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• Funny Funeral -- RuthLass, 17:27:03 03/17/07 Sat
  I received this email right after watching "Four Weddings & a Funeral". That may be why I thought it was funny.
  
  
  
  Consumed by my loss, I didn't notice the hardness of the pew where I sat. I was at the funeral of my dearest friend --
  my mother. She finally had lost her long battle with cancer. The hurt was so intense, I found it hard to breathe at times. Always supportive, Mother clapped loudest at my school plays, held a box of tissues while listening to my first heartbreak, comforted me at my father's death, encouraged me in college, and prayed for me my entire life.
  When mother's illness was diagnosed, my sister had a new baby and my brother had recently married his childhood sweetheart, so it fell on me, the 27-year-old middle child without entanglements, to take care of her.
  
  I counted it an honor. "What now, Lord?" I asked sitting in church.
  My life stretched out before me as an empty abyss. My brother sat stoically with his face toward the cross while clutching his wife's hand.
  My sister sat slumped against her husband's shoulder, his arms around her as she cradled their child. All so deeply grieving, no one noticed I sat alone. My place had been with our mother, preparing her meals, helping her walk, taking her to the e doctor, seeing to her medication, reading the Bible together.
  
  Now she was with the Lord. My work was finished, and I was alone.
  
  I heard a door open and slam shut at the back of the church. Quick & steady footsteps hurried along the carpeted floor. An exasperated young man looked around briefly and then sat next to me. He folded his hands and placed them on his lap. His eyes were brimming with tears. He began to sniffle. "I'm late," he explained, though no explanation was necessary.
  
  After several eulogies, he leaned over and commented, "Why do they keep calling Mary by the name of 'Margaret?'"
  
  "Because that was her name, Margaret. Never Mary. No one called her "Mary," I whispered! I wondered why this person couldn't have sat on the other side of the church.
  
  He interrupted my grieving with his tears and fidgeting. Who was this stranger anyway?
  
  "No, that isn't correct," he insisted, as several people glanced over at us whispering, "Her name is Mary, Mary Peters."
  
  "That isn't who this is."
  
  "Isn't this the Lutheran church?"
  
  "No, the Lutheran church is across the street."
  "Oh."
  
  "I believe you're at the wrong funeral, Sir."
  
  The solemnness of the occasion mixed with the realization of the man's mistake bubbled up inside me and came out as laughter. I cupped my hands over my face, hoping it would be interpreted as sobs. The creaking pew gave me away. Sharp looks from other mourners only made the situation seem more hilarious. I peeked at the bewildered, misguided man seated beside me.
  
  He was laughing, too, as he glanced around, deciding it was too late for an uneventful exit.
  I imagined Mother laughing. At the final "Amen," we darted out a door and into the parking lot.
  "I do believe we'll be the talk of the town," he smiled. He said his name was Rick and since he had missed his aunt's funeral, asked me out for a cup of coffee.
  
  That afternoon began a lifelong journey for me with this man who attended the wrong funeral, but was in the right place.
  
  A year after our meeting, we were married at a country church where he was the assistant minister. This time we both arrived at the same church, right on time.
  
  In my time of sorrow, God gave me laughter. In place of loneliness, God gave me love.
  
  This past June we celebrated our twenty-second wedding
  anniversary. Whenever anyone asks us how we met, Rick tells them, "Her mother and my Aunt Mary introduced us, and it's truly a match made in heaven."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • What a sweet story - pass the tissues! (NT) -- kgp, 10:40:59 03/18/07 Sun

  ---

• In honor of St. Patrick's Day -- RosemaryQ, 11:46:02 03/17/07 Sat
  Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
  
  Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
  
  Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Old, and on a lot of web sites if you do a search, but I haven't seen it before... :D -- Judie, 10:56:21 03/11/07 Sun
  .
  .
  After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
  
  Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots,(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
  
  P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
  S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
  
  P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
  S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
  
  P: Something loose in cockpit.
  S: Something tightened in cockpit.
  
  P: Dead bugs on windshield.
  S: Live bugs on back-order.
  
  P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
  S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
  
  P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
  S: Evidence removed.
  
  P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
  S: DME volume set to more believable level.
  
  P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
  S: That's what friction locks are for.
  
  P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
  S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
  
  P: Suspected crack in windshield.
  S: Suspect you're right.
  
  P: Number 3 engine missing.
  S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
  
  P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
  S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
  
  P: Target radar hums.
  S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
  
  P: Mouse in cockpit.
  S: Cat installed.
  
  P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
  on something with a hammer.
  S: Took hammer away from midget.
  
  
  Cute, eh?
  
  Probably someone made it up, but it's still funny. :D And I am not sure that claim about no accidents is true, but it was in the text so I'll leave it. If you want to know you can check it out and tell us. :D
  
  Judie
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Sounds quite like an Aussie sense of humour to me! *vbg* (NT) -- Lolkate, 01:26:34 03/12/07 Mon
    • I was just thinking the very same thing, Kate! (NT) -- Leigh, 04:13:12 03/13/07 Tue
  • It's old, but it's still funny! (NT) -- MaryJ, 13:10:07 03/14/07 Wed

  ---

• A wee bit of Humour>>> -- Lolkate, 01:35:13 03/12/07 Mon
  Humor
  
  
  
  A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I
  almost had an affair with another woman."
  
  The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
  
  The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then
  I stopped."
  
  
  The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
  not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
  
  The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
  over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
  The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that.
  You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
  
  The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
  according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
  
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
  entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
  sinned."
  
  
  The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
  
  
  The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
  
  The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons
  into a glass and then drink the juice."
  
  The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
  
  The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off your face."
  
  *********************************************
  
  Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
  company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
  asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
  creature?"
  
  Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
  animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
  there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
  creature."
  
  Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough
  to donate to them for the service?"
  
  Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
  tell me the dog was Catholic?"
  
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  
  An elderly man walks into a confessional.
  
  The following conversation ensues:
  
  Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
  children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
  
  Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.
  
  We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
  
  Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
  
  Man: "What sins?"
  
  Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
  
  Man: "I'm Jewish."
  
  Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
  
  Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Sorry I meqant to put that inside - can somebody fix it for me?? (NT) -- Lolkate, 01:36:22 03/12/07 Mon
  • Don't fash, they're funny! I like the last one especially! (NT) -- kgp, 07:52:31 03/12/07 Mon
  • Too funny! (NT) -- Astrina-Brenna, 05:16:39 03/13/07 Tue

  ---

• From Blackdog.... -- Judie, 12:10:31 03/10/07 Sat
  .
  .
  
  
  Cartoon is Mother Goose and Grimm. :D
  
  ROFL!
  
  Judie
  

  Last edited by author: Sat March 10, 2007 12:11:01   Edited 1 time.
  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Too funny! (NT) -- kgp, 14:10:03 03/10/07 Sat
  • Cute! (NT) -- TanyaB, 17:59:24 03/10/07 Sat

  ---

• Drinking & Driving -- AmandaW, 17:43:50 03/08/07 Thu
  An Irish priest is heading down the Interstate to New York when he is pulled over by a State Trooper. The officer smells alcohol on the priests breath and asks,
  
  "Father, have you been drinking?"
  
  "Only water" replies the priest
  
  The state trooper notices and empty wine bottle on the passenger seat and asks
  
  "What about that empty wine bottle?"
  
  The priest turns and looks at the bottle "Good Lord, he's gone and done it again!!!"
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Blarney -- MelvaT, 14:53:07 03/08/07 Thu
  A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work among the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.
  
  "Begorrah, Collen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"
  
  Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London."
  
  When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later.
  
  This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.
  
  Same exchange with Mom..... same "Won it at bingo!" Then Colleen returns to the bright lights again.
  
  A few months later, she's back again. And this time she's sporting a beautiful emerald diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks her Mom to run her a bath as she need to freshen up.
  
  Her Mom draws the bath while Colleen gets undressed in her bedroom, but when she gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"
  
  "Indeed there is, me darlin" replies her Mom. "But we don't want to be gettin' yer bingo card wet, now do we?"
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Didn't we all think we pulled the wool over our mother's eyes?!? (NT) -- TanyaB, 16:47:24 03/08/07 Thu

  ---

• Cute! -- Judie, 18:37:38 03/04/07 Sun
  .
  .
  Daddy how was I born? Sign of the times?
  
  A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
  
  The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
  
  (Click first reply *G*)
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • >>>>> in here >>>>> -- Judie, 18:39:56 03/04/07 Sun
  • Aww!!!! Too cute! (NT) -- RosemaryQ, 19:53:50 03/04/07 Sun
  • That's adorable!!! (NT) -- Florence, 11:25:38 03/05/07 Mon
  • hehe too cute (NT) -- oorjanie, 08:38:50 03/07/07 Wed
  • That is wayyy cute!! (NT) -- abby, 11:32:00 03/08/07 Thu

  ---

• I will apologize now, I know grooooaaan..... -- poppet, 15:56:08 02/27/07 Tue
  What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Juan on Juan!
  
  hahaha
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • love it!! (NT) -- Astrina-Brenna, 08:14:00 03/08/07 Thu

  ---

• The Drinks Are On the House -- Mari L., 13:46:06 03/05/07 Mon
  A man runs into a bar and shouts to the bartender, "I need twelve shots of scotch. Hurry!" The bartender pours out the twelve shots of scotch and the man gulps them down quickly. The bartender says, "Boy, you sure drank those fast." "Well, you'd drink fast, too, if you had what I have", answered the man. "What do you have?" asked the bartender. "Seventy-five cents", the man answered.
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• I found this on another forum.. -- Mac., 12:48:22 03/02/07 Fri
  Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their
  collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school
  essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of
  teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners . . .
  
  1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
  gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
  
  2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
  underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
  
  3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
  guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
  those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
  speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse
  without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
  
  4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was
  room-temperature Canadian beef.
  
  5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
  just before it throws up.
  
  6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
  
  7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
  
  8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
  because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge
  at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
  
  9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
  bowling ball wouldn't.
  
  10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
  filled with vegetable soup.
  
  11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
  surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
  Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. ... instead of 7:30.
  
  12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
  
  13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
  fry them in hot grease.
  
  14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
  the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
  left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
  at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
  
  15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
  that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
  
  16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
  also never met.
  
  17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the
  East River.
  
  18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only
  one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
  
  19. Shots rang out, as shots will do.
  
  20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
  this plan just might work.
  
  21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
  eating for a while.
  
  22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
  but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land
  mine or something.
  
  23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg
  behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
  
  24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
  power tools.
  
  25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as
  if she were a garbage truck backing up.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • I loved #3, #10 and #15. My DS asked me, "What are you laughing at, Mom?" (NT) -- ShannonK., 15:04:36 03/02/07 Fri
  • ROFL (NT) -- CindyS, 17:13:58 03/02/07 Fri
  • These are just too good, - er, bad, - er, they really get their point across! (NT) -- TanyaB, 16:57:52 03/04/07 Sun
  • 5 12 15 23!!! I am seriously afraid I woke the family up laughingLOL (NT) -- Brookita, 23:14:01 03/04/07 Sun

  ---

• This one is just plain bad. :-) -- MelvaT, 13:42:03 02/28/07 Wed
  A sensitive subject?
  
  A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said,
  "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at
  the same time."
  
  The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your dick's bigger than
  your brother's".
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • That's hilarious. I'm cutting and pasting it to my friend! (NT) -- conmama, 08:42:54 03/01/07 Thu
  • ROFLMAO! (NT) -- RosemaryQ, 13:07:59 03/01/07 Thu
  • That's hysterical! (NT) -- LadyBelle, 16:11:59 03/01/07 Thu
  • HAHAHAHA!!! good one. I know just who to send it to. (NT) -- annieo, 17:36:28 03/01/07 Thu
  • OH goodness - I do so REALLY love this one!!! Thanks for sharing :o) (NT) -- lori v, 19:28:02 03/02/07 Fri
  • That is very clever! I've sent it off to a few folk too! LOL! (NT) -- Lolkate, 18:25:18 03/03/07 Sat
  • I went straight to the DH with this one!!! His response, " those ladies are weird sometimes!!" (NT) -- TanyaB, 16:56:45 03/04/07 Sun

  ---

• It's that time of year, again. -- Carol P, 16:08:42 03/04/07 Sun
  IRS Audit
  
  The IRS decides to audit Leroy, and summons him to the IRS office.
  The IRS auditor is not surprised when Leroy shows up with his
  attorney.
  
  The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
  full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
  gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable." "I'm a great
  gambler, and I can prove it," says Leroy. "How about a demonstration?"
  The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay.
  Go ahead." Leroy says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can
  bite my own eye. "The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's
  a bet."
  
  Leroy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
  Leroy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
  other eye." The auditor can tell Leroy isn't blind so he takes the
  bet.
  Leroy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned
  auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Leroy's
  attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or
  nothing?"
  Leroy asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on
  one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side,
  and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is
  cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this
  guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Leroy stands beside the
  desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't
  make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty
  much urinates all over the desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing
  that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Leroy's
  attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the
  auditor asks.
  "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Leroy told me
  he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars
  that he could come in here and pee all over an IRS official's desk and that
  you'd be happy about it
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Heaven! -- Lolkate, 18:10:17 03/03/07 Sat
  A Married Couple's Pledge
  A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
  the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
  After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he
  made contact, "Mary. Mary." "Is that you, Fred?" "Yes, I've come back like
  we agreed." "What's it like?"
  
  "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf
  course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.
  I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much
  all afternoon.
  
  After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night.
  
  The next day it starts again." "Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
  
  "Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Hi, Gang. -- Judie, 09:34:22 03/03/07 Sat
  .
  .
  I have enabled the "captcha" feature on this board due to getting two porn messages in the last week.
  
  The feature will not affect registered users, but those who are not registered users will have to type in some characters before their message will finally post. Sorry about that, but hopefully it will stop the porn messages.
  
  Thanks.
  
  Judie
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Colonoscopies -- Kyrie, 03:50:03 02/28/07 Wed
  Comments quipped by patients during Colonoscopies
  
  Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by some of his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies :
  
  
  
  1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
  
  2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
  
  3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
  
  4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
  
  5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."
  
  6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
  
  7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
  
  8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
  
  9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
  
  10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
  
  11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
  
  12. "God, now I know why I am not gay.".
  
  13. "Should I smile for my Kodak Moment?"
  
  And the best one of all...
  
  14. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • ROFLMAO (NT) -- CindyS, 21:58:04 02/28/07 Wed
  • My *doctor* was the comedian when I had mine. He actually said to me :" Are you ready to explore the planets?" (get it - Uranus? *groan*) And then he said we needed to bring in some Chippendale dancers to raise my blood pressure or they wouldn't be able to give me the Valium. (hey, at least he was making the best of a crappy job -- *groan* again) (NT) -- KarynM, 13:33:38 03/01/07 Thu
    • Oh sh*t!!! This is just the joke I needed! (NT) -- LadyDuBois, 17:11:51 03/01/07 Thu

  ---

• Hunting -- annieo, 05:33:41 02/28/07 Wed
  Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural Oklahoma on the opening day of deer season.
  
  They both spotted a large trophy class buck meandering towards them.
  
  As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by.
  
  The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat and stood with his head bowed until the procession was past. Of course by then, the deer was long gone.
  
  The other hunter exclaimed "Wow! That was the most sportsmanlike act I've ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone's dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world!"
  
  The first hunter nodded and said, "Well, we were married for 42 years."
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• A Florida joke! >>> -- Lolkate, 17:45:50 02/27/07 Tue
  
  SKINNY-DIPPIN'
  
  An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
  He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice picnic tables, Horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.
  The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
  One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.
  He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
  As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
  As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
  He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
  One of the women shouted to him, We're not coming out until you leave!"
  The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
  Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
  
  Old men can still think fast.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Lol :) (NT) -- alison, 04:37:29 02/28/07 Wed

  ---

• Another geezer story -- Carol P, 17:44:36 02/22/07 Thu
  Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
  
  The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
  
  The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
  
  The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
  
  To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • He's married to Bree!!! (NT) -- alison, 04:06:34 02/27/07 Tue

  ---

• The Other Stall... -- MelvaT, 10:41:16 02/25/07 Sun
  I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
  
  I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!
  
  And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"
  
  What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
  
  At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question: "Can I come over?"
  
  Ok, this question is just too weird for me. I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say: "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"
  
  Then I hear the person say, nervously: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!"
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • This sounds like something that would happen to me! hahaha (NT) -- Tam, 18:52:02 02/25/07 Sun
  • Loved the joke! I would hate to talk on the phone while visiting the ladies. Brr. (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 02:30:26 02/26/07 Mon
  • The first call I ever got on my cell was while I was in the loo. It took me a minute to figure out where the music was coming from! (NT) -- kgp, 06:42:16 02/26/07 Mon

  ---

• The Purina Diet -- CindyS, 22:54:12 02/24/07 Sat
  Jane was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina and was in line to check out.
  
  The lady behind her asked if she had a dog........Duh!
  
  Jane was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, she told the lady - no, she was starting The Purina Diet again, although she probably shouldn't because she'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that she'd lost 50 pounds before she awoke in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of her orifices and IV's in both arms.
  
  The lady's eyes about bugged out of her head
  
  Jane went on and on with the bogus diet story and the lady was totally buying it. Jane told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. And since the food is nutritionally complete Jane was going to try it again.
  
  At this point everyone in the check-out line was enthralled with Jane's story. Horrified, the lady asked if something in the dog food had poisoned Jane and was that why she ended up in the hospital.
  
  Jane said no.....she'd been sitting in the street licking her butt when a car hit her.
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Old folk and doctors -- Carol P, 17:32:05 02/22/07 Thu
  A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office."Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
  
  "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
  
  There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Steve Irwin and Ross from Jay Leno -- Judie, 08:00:12 02/18/07 Sun
  .
  .
  This is so funny that I have to link it here just in case some people missed it. It's from youtube.com, nearly 7 minutes of video, and hopefully it will play for everyone. I'm not sure what software one needs but I assume it will play for most people.
  
  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pa_7P5AbUww
  
  Give it a go. :-)
  
  Judie
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • I loved it! Hysterical! He will be missed! (NT) -- Astrina-Brenna, 16:11:38 02/18/07 Sun
  • I loved Steve's reactions to Ross. He's so easy going about the flamboyance but you can see it just cracks him up. I've watched it at least 5 times. Oh, Noooo! What-are-you-out-of-your-mind? (NT) -- kgp, 10:06:11 02/19/07 Mon
  • Wonderful!!! My stomach hurts from laughing so hard!! (NT) -- Sorcha, 19:46:29 02/19/07 Mon
  • Pineapple!!!!! (NT) -- MiladyM, 05:13:41 02/21/07 Wed
  • Our local grocery had pineapples on sale so I got one for the DGS since it's his favorite. I had seen this video the other day and later on when I went to cut up the pineapple I had a laugh the whole time. I don't know, I think I'd have been yelling PINEAPPLE long before any of those things touched me. lol (NT) -- LadyGrace, 06:40:05 02/21/07 Wed
  • I watched it earlier in the day and then shared it with DH last night. We were both laughing hysterically. I miss Steve too. (NT) -- LadyBelle, 08:04:15 02/21/07 Wed
  • I have watched this over and over and over. Still laugh everytime. (NT) -- TanyaB, 10:00:46 02/21/07 Wed
  • I needed this today! I still miss Steve so much, though. He was really at his best here - unscripted and hysterical. (NT) -- jayne, 12:52:00 02/21/07 Wed
  • OMG that is hilarious!! Steve will be missed. My hat is off to Ross, he had more courage than I would have. I would never have let any of those come near me! (NT) -- ErikaW, 13:10:14 02/21/07 Wed

  ---

• Happy Valentines Day? -- MelvaT, 11:20:45 02/15/07 Thu
  THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
  
  My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
  Marrying you screwed up my life.
  
  I see your face when I am dreaming.
  That's why I always wake up screaming.
  
  Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
  This describes everything you are not.
  
  Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
  But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
  
  I thought that I could love no other --
  that is until I met your brother.
  
  Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet,
  and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are
  dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
  
  I want to feel your sweet embrace;
  But don't take that paper bag off your face.
  
  I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
  Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
  
  My love, you take my breath away.
  What have you stepped in to smell this way?
  
  My feelings for you no words can tell,
  Except for maybe "Go to hell."
  
  What inspired this amorous rhyme?
  Two parts vodka, one part lime
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • hehe too funny (NT) -- oorjanie, 07:56:55 02/16/07 Fri
  • Love this. (NT) -- Margy, 04:25:07 02/17/07 Sat
  • This was too funny. (NT) -- LadyGrace, 06:46:32 02/21/07 Wed

  ---

• For the love of the game... -- Larnsturt, 06:20:08 02/13/07 Tue
  A man had box seat tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
  
  "No," he says. "The seat is empty."
  
  "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
  
  The first man says, 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married."
  
  "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, like a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
  
  The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • OMG, I think I know him! (NT) -- LadyGrace, 06:45:56 02/21/07 Wed

  ---

• 2 nuns and Dracula -- Astrina-Brenna, 13:18:50 02/17/07 Sat
  Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
  Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
  
  "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
  "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.
  Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
  "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
  "Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine?
  "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking,” says Sister Catherine.
  
  She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Loved it!!!! (NT) -- Lady Elena, 15:03:44 02/17/07 Sat
  • Bwahahahaha! (NT) -- MiladyM, 15:42:26 02/17/07 Sat
  • hee! ha! ha! hee! (NT) -- Misty, 05:54:06 02/20/07 Tue
  • Yep, nuns are people too. (NT) -- LadyGrace, 06:43:43 02/21/07 Wed

  ---

• Cowboy Logic -- Astrina-Brenna, 16:38:18 02/17/07 Sat
  There is no arguing with cowboy logic.
  
  The Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. This was actually proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.
  
  
  
  All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old cowboy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't f&*%ing our sheep, they're eatin' 'em."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Ride 'em cowboy! Got to love it! (NT) -- Lady Elena, 16:03:09 02/18/07 Sun
  • ha! ha! ha! (NT) -- Misty, 05:18:16 02/20/07 Tue
  • Ye Haw ! (NT) -- LadyGrace, 06:42:20 02/21/07 Wed

  ---

• Ok - this is totally ridiculous and stupid and ..... ever so naughty! -- Judie, 23:39:59 02/10/07 Sat
  .
  .
  Well, you have to see it for yourself. :D
  
  http://www.rathergood.com/hedgehogs/
  
  BEWARE! :D
  
  Judie
  

  Last edited by author: Sat February 10, 2007 23:40:33   Edited 1 time.
  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • OMG!!!!! one of those gross funnies!! hehe (NT) -- dale, 07:04:15 02/11/07 Sun
  • makes you wonder how someone thinks of such a thing. (NT) -- C. R., 12:09:20 02/12/07 Mon
  • OK, that's just weird!!! (NT) -- TanyaB, 17:03:10 02/13/07 Tue
  • Mwahahahaha! Judie, you crack me up! Are you sure we weren't separated at birth? :-D (NT) -- Leigh, 01:01:57 02/17/07 Sat
    • No shit - I'm the short twin. :D I remember this thing from a couple of years ago, then Tamara was humming it last week and I said "What's that from, again?" and she reminded me so I had to go find it and link it - too stupid, but you see where my mind goes.... :D (NT) -- Judie, 07:59:00 02/18/07 Sun

  ---

• Australian Valentines Day Poem...... Really good!!! -- Eilidh, 14:46:38 02/13/07 Tue
  
  
  
  > AUSTRALIAN VALENTINES POEM
  >
  > Of course I love ya darling
  > You're a bloody top-notch bird
  > And when I say you're gorgeous
  > I mean every single word
  > So ya bum is on the big side
  > I don't mind a bit of flab
  > It means that when I'm ready
  > There's somethin there to grab
  > So your belly isn't flat no more
  > I tell ya, I don't care
  > So long as when I cuddle ya
  > I can get my arms round there
  > No sheila who is your age
  > Have nice round perky breasts
  > They just gave in to gravity
  > But I know ya did ya best
  > I'm tellin ya the truth now
  > I never tell ya lies
  > I think it's very sexy
  > That you've got dimples on ya thighs
  > I swear on me nanna's grave now
  > The moment that we met
  > I thought u was as good as I
  > Was ever gonna get
  > No matter wot u look like
  > I'll always love ya dear
  > Now shut up while the footy's on
  > And fetch another beer!
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • I think my DH wrote that!! (NT) -- Alissa, 01:36:17 02/14/07 Wed
  • It was good...until the last two lines. Feck off and get your own beer! *G* (NT) -- Leigh, 00:58:45 02/17/07 Sat

  ---

• No offense intended -- Lady Elizabeth, 10:46:37 02/05/07 Mon
  A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian." The salesman bought a ticket & sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian. Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause & the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.
  
  15 years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian." He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, 3 coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants & smashed the coconuts with 3 swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago & you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?" "Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be"
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • ....I don't get it.... (NT) -- Larn, 15:33:10 02/06/07 Tue
  • Funny...He needed the big coconus to see what he was hitting with his wang! (NT) -- Lady Elena, 19:02:17 02/15/07 Thu

  ---

• ROAD RAGE -- devenhuis, 14:57:17 02/12/07 Mon
  An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard.
  
  Suddenly, the traffic light turned yellow just in front of him. The man did the right thing stopping at the crosswalk even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
  
  The tailgating woman hit the roof - and the horn - screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
  
  As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands in the air.
  
  He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger-printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
  
  She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
  
  He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
  
  "Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Bubba -- devenhuis, 14:53:11 02/12/07 Mon
  Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gomer.
  
  The three men had always done everything together.
  
  Darryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Darryl said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
  
  The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
  
  The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer looked at the body and said,"Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
  
  The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
  
  The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
  
  Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
  
  "What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.
  
  "Yup, I've never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Are You Happy? (from Rampant Scotland Newsletter) -- annieo, 18:17:27 02/10/07 Sat
  Geordie had never paid much attention to his wife when she was alive but, surprisingly, he found after she passed away that me missed her a lot. He decided to go to a medium to see if he could contact her. During the seance, a breeze wafted through the darkened room and suddenly Geordie was sure he heard his wife's voice.
  "Maisie!" he cried. "Is that you?"
  "Yes, Geordie."
  "Are you happy?"
  "Yes, Geordie."
  "Happier than you were with me?"
  "Yes, Geordie...much happier!"
  "Then Heaven must be an amazing place."
  "I'm not in Heaven."
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Must be condom week -- LadyBelle, 13:19:07 02/08/07 Thu
  A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet,
  and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
  
  The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
  
  At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
  
  That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
  
  The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
  
  Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
  
  The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father
  was a pharmacist."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • OMG......Bwwaaaahaha. That's a good one....hehehe!!! (NT) -- Alissa, 17:52:12 02/08/07 Thu
  • He needs to be taking them back for a refund, unopened! (NT) -- Sheila, 05:35:28 02/09/07 Fri
  • hehehe love that one (NT) -- oorjanie, 13:22:04 02/10/07 Sat

  ---

• A guy goes into a shop to buy condoms. -- dmaustin, 15:01:14 02/07/07 Wed
  
  
  "What size?" asks the clerk?
  
  "Gee, I don't know."
  
  "Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the
  crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and
  leaves quickly.
  
  Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.
  Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays,
  and leaves.
  
  A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
  
  "What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't
  know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him
  and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Mwahahahahaha! :-D (NT) -- Leigh, 03:13:27 02/08/07 Thu

  ---

• WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY... -- Leigh, 15:20:37 02/05/07 Mon
  Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
  
  I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
  
  As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....they will remember.
  
  My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
  
  As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !"
  
  We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know,it's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said,"Let's drop by my apartment - it's just around the corner."
  
  After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
  
  "Ok." I nervously replied.
  
  She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
  
  And I just sat there...
  
  On the couch...
  
  Naked.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Oh shit!!! (NT) -- Sheila, 21:14:12 02/05/07 Mon
    • ROFL, what a response!! :) (NT) -- alison, 01:29:08 02/06/07 Tue
    • OMG!!! (NT) -- Alissa, 02:48:23 02/06/07 Tue
  • oh some men eh! (NT) -- oorjanie, 13:16:24 02/06/07 Tue
  • Bwahahahahahahahaha! (NT) -- MiladyM, 05:50:25 02/07/07 Wed

  ---

• Sports fans... -- Sorcha, 01:04:32 02/06/07 Tue
  Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a Chicago Park when a crazed Rottweiler suddenly attacks one of the boys. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend. A reporter is standing by, sees the incident, and rushes over to Interview the boy. "Young Cubs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Cubs fan," the little boy replies. "Sorry, but since we're in Chicago, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and starts writing again. "Sox Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "But I'm not a Sox fan either," the little boy replies. "Sorry, but since we're in Chicago, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and starts writing again. "Bears Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "I'm not a Bears fan either," s ays the boy. "Oh... I assumed everyone in Chicago was either for the Cubs, Sox or Bears. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Colts Fan," the boy replies. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little Bastard From Indiana Kills Beloved Family Pet"
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Sorcha - I cannot stop laughing!!!! I sent that to every Bears fan I know. Superbowl or no - Bears are the best! (NT) -- LadyBelle, 13:15:45 02/06/07 Tue

  ---

• Warning to men -- JackieR, 16:35:19 02/04/07 Sun
  I thought this was funny!!!
  
  Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and remain cautious when offered a drink by any woman.
  
  Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
  
  The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in cans, bottles, or from taps and in large "kegs."
  
  Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
  
  A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
  
  Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
  
  After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
  
  At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
  
  In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."
  
  Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
  
  If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
  
  For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow Pages.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • I love this joke :) (NT) -- Amalee, 13:47:32 02/05/07 Mon
  • Bwahahahahaha! I've sent this on to everyone I know...especially the males. *G* (NT) -- Leigh, 15:27:46 02/05/07 Mon

  ---

• Aging problems -- MelvaT, 18:24:18 02/01/07 Thu
  HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND
  THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?" WELL... YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS ONE!
  
  I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS PLAQUE ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN??
  
  UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. HMMM, OR COULD HE???
  
  AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL. "YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
  
  "WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
  
  HE ANSWERED, "IN 1959. WHY DO YOU
  ASK?"
  
  "YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.
  
  HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
  
  THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Bwahahahahahahaha! (NT) -- MiladyM, 05:15:14 02/02/07 Fri
  • ROFL! (NT) -- Judie, 22:48:06 02/03/07 Sat

  ---

• This is sooooo cute......Enjoy!!>>>>>>>>>> -- Niseold, 08:31:31 02/02/07 Fri
  Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
  
  One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
  
  As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
  
  
  The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.
  
  "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
  
  The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
  
  Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • hahaha ! (NT) -- Sheila, 16:29:11 02/03/07 Sat

  ---

• Ladies Room -- oorjanie, 12:45:50 01/29/07 Mon
  
  In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into
  the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
  
  A nurse noticed his predicament.
  
  Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch
  any of the buttons on the wall."
  
  He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he
  had promised not to touch.
  
  Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled
  ATR.
  
  Who would know if he touched them?
  
  He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon
  his bottom.
  
  What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nic e things
  like this.
  
  Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air
  replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
  
  When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed
  his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable
  pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender
  loving pleasure.
  
  When the powder puff
  completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he
  knew would be supreme ecstasy.
  
  Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a
  nurse was staring down at him.
  
  "What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the
  ATR button.
  
  "The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your
  pillow."
  
  MEN NEVER LISTEN
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Hehehehe! Damn straight they don't listen! (NT) -- Leigh, 17:48:14 01/29/07 Mon
  • I've read this one before, but still laughed out loud. Gotta love it! (NT) -- Whiskey Eyes, 18:49:28 01/30/07 Tue
  • LOLOLLLLLLLLLLLLLL...ouchies!!! (NT) -- Niseold, 08:29:54 02/02/07 Fri

  ---

• One for the Ladies -- Kyrie, 19:03:11 02/01/07 Thu
  One for the ladies
  
  One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
  
  "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
  
  He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."
  
  And they say blondes are dumb...
  
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  
  A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
  
  "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.."
  
  The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
  
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  
  "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
  
  "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
  
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  
  He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
  
  She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
  
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  
  Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
  
  A: A rumor
  
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  
  A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
  
  The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
  
  Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
  
  The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....
  
  Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
  
  Gotta love that fairy!
  
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  
  Dear Lord,
  
  I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
  
  AMEN
  
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  
  Q: Why do little boys whine?
  
  A: They are practicing to be men.
  
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  
  Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
  
  A: Trustworthy.
  
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  
  Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
  
  A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
  
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  
  Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
  
  A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
  
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  
  Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
  
  A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously -- Margy, 13:15:01 02/01/07 Thu
  
  
  1. Save the whales -- Collect the whole set.
  
  2. A day without sunshine is like -- Night.
  
  3. On the other hand -- you have different fingers.
  
  4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  
  5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  
  6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
  
  7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  
  8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  
  9. The early bird may get the worm -- but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
  
  10. Support bacteria -- They're the only culture some people have.
  
  11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  
  12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
  
  13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
  
  14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? OK, now raise my hand.
  
  15. So what's the speed of dark?
  
  16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  
  17. Hard work pays off in the future -- Laziness pays off now.
  
  18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
  
  19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
  
  20 Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  
  21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  
  22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  
  23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  
  24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what just happened.
  
  25. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
  
  26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  
  27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Bacon eggs and milk -- SueKy, 10:21:21 01/31/07 Wed
  A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores."Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.Well, he's a little ticked, so he goes to feed the chickens,and
  he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a white sow. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says,
  "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
  I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. !
  I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
  Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
  The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Hahaha! (NT) -- Leigh, 03:04:45 02/01/07 Thu
  • I don't get it................... (NT) -- Embarrassed, 09:21:52 02/01/07 Thu
    • What is another name for a cat? : ) Starts with a "p." HTH! (NT) -- LadyBelle, 09:55:18 02/01/07 Thu

  ---

• hmm didn't get the name if there was one..... -- oorjanie, 11:03:11 01/23/07 Tue
  A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Bryan sitting at the next table turned to look at her. "Kin ya swaller?" asked
  Kenzie. The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head. "Kin
  ya breathe?" asked Bryan. The woman shook her head, No!!! With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her ar*e.
  
  This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer. Bryan said in
  admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it"!
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Oh geez - LMAO (NT) -- CindyS, 00:01:33 01/25/07 Thu
  • What a beauty!! Sending this to DH at work right now! (NT) -- Sheila, 01:07:04 01/25/07 Thu
  • OMG....Funny!! (NT) -- Alissa, 01:29:49 01/31/07 Wed

  ---

• My mom sent me this one. (: -- Larnsturt, 12:21:19 01/29/07 Mon
  The Purina Diet
  
  I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for Lola and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........
  
  Duh!
  
  I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
  
  I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it.I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
  
  I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
  
  Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.
  
  I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
  
  I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Bwahahahahaha! (NT) -- Whiskey Eyes, 18:51:56 01/30/07 Tue

  ---

• Irish Viagra -- FloraMac, 14:08:28 01/27/07 Sat
  An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.
  
  "What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor.
  
  "Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
  
  "Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra". It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".
  
  It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
  
  "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
  
  "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to
  tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
  
  "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
  
  "Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But as sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • ROFL (NT) -- CindyS, 14:17:46 01/27/07 Sat
  • ROFLMAO (NT) -- Froggielady Lori, 18:34:13 01/28/07 Sun
  • Bwahahaha! (NT) -- Leigh, 22:24:35 01/28/07 Sun
  • haha loving that one (NT) -- oorjanie, 13:12:44 01/29/07 Mon

  ---

• Letter from A Farm Kid? -- Lady Elizabeth, 10:33:21 01/22/07 Mon
  LETTER FROM A FARM KID?
  (NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)
  Dear Ma and Pa,
  I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
  I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc.,but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the
  two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you until noon when you get fed again... It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much
  We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board.Majors and
  colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
  Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.
  I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
  Be sure to tell Walt an d Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
  
  Your loving daughter,
  Alice
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • That was great! I forwarded it to my dad who will give it to his JROTC students for a giggle. Sure is true though. (NT) -- LadyBelle, 13:29:13 01/22/07 Mon
  • ROFL! (NT) -- Judie, 13:46:07 01/22/07 Mon
  • OMG, That's so funny! (NT) -- LadyGrace, 10:34:58 01/24/07 Wed
  • I enjoyed the whole thing, but when I got to the signature line, I about busted a gut! LOL (NT) -- Brookita, 22:22:54 01/25/07 Thu

  ---

• The Washcloth -- Kyrie, 03:56:05 01/22/07 Mon
  The Washcloth.............
  
  I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. But early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that the appointment had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
  
  As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.
  
  So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the wash cloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
  
  I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
  
  I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.
  
  After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.
  
  After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
  
  I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
  
  She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
  
  NEVER going back to that doctor ever!!
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (NT) -- Judie, 13:47:01 01/22/07 Mon
    • I sent this to Little Judie and she was having a fit of laughter. :D (NT) -- Judie, 15:47:12 01/23/07 Tue
  • OMG! ROFLMAO! Thanks for the laugh, I really needed this one! (NT) -- Dale, 23:27:31 01/22/07 Mon
  • Too funny! (NT) -- Astrina-Brenna, 15:47:20 01/25/07 Thu
  • I remember this one from while ago. I now tell DH I am going to the sparkly doctor when these times come. (NT) -- Sheila, 17:03:36 01/25/07 Thu

  ---

• OK - this is NOT a joke - it's real! -- Judie, 15:50:00 01/23/07 Tue
  .
  .
  I swear I picked up this card at Office Depot back in the mid 90s. In fact, I took extras because I wanted to have proof. *G* This was a real business card of someone working at Office Depot here in Vancouver. If you don't get it, say it out loud a few times. :D
  
  
  
  Even funnier, it was a FEMALE! :D
  
  Judie
  
  PS: Never spoke to the person with that name, but someone else said it was pronounced EYE-CHEE. :D
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • ROFLMAO! OMG - hilarious! (NT) -- Leigh, 19:50:27 01/23/07 Tue
    • I knew you would understand. :D (NT) -- Judie, 01:09:20 01/24/07 Wed
      • omg this is too funny! and scary! tryin to figure out a business card for myself right now- ok, I'm officially scared.... :D (NT) -- Mac., 11:04:22 01/24/07 Wed
        • Mac, one suggestion I can give you is - don't use the name on this card above and you should be okay. :D (NT) -- Judie, 11:32:37 01/24/07 Wed
    • haha so funny (NT) -- oorjanie, 12:32:26 01/25/07 Thu
  • I reviewed a hospitalization the other day for one of our members named Michael Hunt. Hmmm, wonder if he goes by Mike? (NT) -- Whiskey Eyes, 05:50:21 01/25/07 Thu
    • Ha! My aunt's friend is named Mike Hawk. Thankfully he goes by Hawk. (NT) -- AngieC, 06:25:35 01/25/07 Thu
    • Never ever ever I would hope *g* (NT) -- Sheila, 17:02:39 01/25/07 Thu
  • Hysreical...nearly pee'd my pants! (NT) -- Astrina-Brenna, 15:36:32 01/25/07 Thu

  ---

• A Scotsman attends his first baseball game. -- Melody (TTFN :), 19:09:08 01/24/07 Wed
  A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!!!"
  The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN!! RUN!!" The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.
  The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls:"Walk."
  The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard rrrun!"
  The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down. A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, He can't run - he has four balls."
  
  The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• BYE MOM! -- devenhuis, 15:45:53 01/18/07 Thu
  A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.
  
  If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
  
  She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son ."
  
  He answered, "That's okay."
  
  "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
  
  She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
  
  The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
  
  Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
  "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
  
  "How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."
  
  The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
  You'd be paying for her things, too."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Hilarious! Didn't see that coming at all. Thanks! (NT) -- Helka, 08:31:54 01/19/07 Fri
  • Mwahahahahaha! (NT) -- Leigh, 19:52:46 01/23/07 Tue

  ---

• Housework-challenged husband -- Cindy G, 16:11:33 01/19/07 Fri
  One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
  "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
  He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."
  
  And they say blondes are dumb...
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Good joke! I'm sitting here in the middle of western Oklahoma (small town of Clinton) wondering where you live Cindy G.? (NT) -- Catherine Ruth, 22:24:01 01/22/07 Mon

  ---

• Man Laws -- FLoraMac, 13:02:01 01/16/07 Tue
  come inside the first message--it's long
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • In here>>>> -- FM, 13:02:51 01/16/07 Tue
    • bwahahahaha - love it! (NT) -- Margy, 01:26:02 01/17/07 Wed
    • ROFLMAO! (NT) -- Leigh, 02:58:30 01/17/07 Wed
      • this seems sensible to me :) (NT) -- Mac, 06:21:29 01/17/07 Wed
  • Bwaaahhhaaaa!!!! Loved it! (NT) -- LissC, 12:16:46 01/21/07 Sun

  ---

• The Amish Hand Warmer... -- TanyaB, 09:39:48 01/17/07 Wed
  The Amish Hand Warmer...
  An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
  blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing
  cold."
  
  The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will
  warm them up."
  The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter
  was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing
  cold."
  The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will
  warm them up." He did and it warmed his hands.
  The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the
  daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it
  between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and
  it warmed his nose.
  
  The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he
  said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter
  was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother,
  "Have you ever heard of a penis ?"
  "Yes," said the mother, "why do you ask?"
  
  The daughter replies, . . "They make one hell of a mess when they
  defrost, don't they ?"
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Bwahahahahaha! They sure do! (NT) -- Leigh, 03:19:12 01/18/07 Thu
  • Oohh cack! (NT) -- Sheila, 17:04:04 01/18/07 Thu

  ---

• You Can Be the Man of Your House -- Karen GW, 09:27:16 01/18/07 Thu
  The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House". He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
  
  Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
  
  His wife replied, "The friggin' funeral director would be my guess."
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---