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• Hitting the Bottle? -- CindyS, 16:51:06 01/17/07 Wed
  A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
  

  Last edited by author: Thu January 18, 2007 05:58:05   Edited 1 time.
  [Edit]
  

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• Sow humor -- LadyBelle, 11:06:50 01/17/07 Wed
  A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
  
  After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in whichto let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 am, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, Which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
  
  While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."
  
  The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
  
  This continued each morning for more than a week. The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
  
  "Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • LOL! I've heard this a few times before and it still makes me laugh! (NT) -- Leigh, 03:21:32 01/18/07 Thu

  ---

• Where to live in retirement? -- CindyS, 16:54:04 01/14/07 Sun
  Inside first reply. It's a bit long.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Inside here>>> -- CindyS, 16:54:56 01/14/07 Sun
    • "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.---LOVE IT!!! Hey, where's the Pacific NW? (NT) -- Brookita, 22:49:44 01/14/07 Sun
    • Pacific NW... -- Marianne, 23:58:21 01/14/07 Sun
      • And New England, where you can experience all four seasons in less than 24 hours. (NT) -- Lady Stormwing, 07:51:14 01/15/07 Mon
      • ROFL!! (NT) -- leeleebroch, 16:46:30 01/17/07 Wed

  ---

• Public Restrooms -- CarolE, 20:55:35 01/15/07 Mon
  Inside first reply it's a bit long>>>>
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Inside for a few giggles....how true this is!! >>>>> -- CarolE, 20:56:58 01/15/07 Mon
  • Oh Carol (hey that could be a song) I have tears streaming down my face from this! (NT) -- Sheila, 16:05:29 01/16/07 Tue
  • Bwahahahahaha! Too funny and TOO true! Although, I must admit that I had NEVER seen an automatic/sensor toilet flusher until I went to the USA in 2004. Yup, we're WAY behind the times down here at the Arrrrse End of the Earth, y'know? ;-) (NT) -- Leigh, 20:06:02 01/16/07 Tue
  • OMGosh You made me fall off my chair. I laughed so loud my co worker came to see if I was OK now she is hysterical..... (NT) -- SueK, 12:02:54 01/17/07 Wed

  ---

• OK - too funny! -- Judie, 11:03:47 01/06/07 Sat
  .
  .
  WARNING - THIS HAS SPIDERS IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  
  Canadians! You'll probably remember "Hinterland Who's Who" - those little natural life documentaries that we grew up with. :D
  
  Anyway, here is a funny one - obviously someone has a sense of humour and some moviemaking talents. :D
  
  Take a look:
  
  Click here
  
  Too fricken funny. :D
  
  Judie
  
  

  Last edited by author: Sat January 06, 2007 11:09:37   Edited 4 times.
  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Caffeine, definitely caffeine for me!! (NT) -- Helka, 12:19:31 01/06/07 Sat
  • Oh, god, that was funny!!! (NT) -- LissC, 17:17:41 01/06/07 Sat
  • ROFLMAO!!! Oh boy, this is priceless! Hehehehe - thanks Joudie - I'm sending it to everyone I know! (NT) -- Leigh, 23:36:19 01/06/07 Sat
    • Glad you like it. This is a play on a serious Canadian documentary that I recall growing up with - in lonely Regina, Saskatchewan. Listen to that music again and think of a rinky-dink city in the middle of winter, all lonely etc. Yikes! :D (NT) -- Judie, 10:54:25 01/07/07 Sun
      • LOL, I think all of us Canadian Hosers past a certain age can remember Hinterland Who's Who!!! Haaahaaa-even the music is the same as I remembered it. I love Mr. Crack Spider-neat car!!!!! (NT) -- Keira, 15:34:22 01/07/07 Sun
        • Keira - would you believe HINTERLAND WHO'S WHO is now playing on the Weather Network channel - hahahahahaha. I haven't watch TWN for months and have been lately because of all the lousy weather - and there it is! :D (NT) -- Judie, 18:28:44 01/13/07 Sat
          • Who'd have thought???? LOL (NT) -- Keira, 20:16:13 01/16/07 Tue

  ---

• A Woman's Poem -- Judie, 19:37:30 01/14/07 Sun
  .
  .
  
  He didn't like the casserole
  And he didn't like my cake.
  He said my biscuits were too hard...
  Not like his mother used to make.
  I didn't perk the coffee right
  He didn't like the stew
  I didn't mend his socks
  The way his mother used to do.
  I pondered for an answer
  I was looking for a clue.
  Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
  
  Like his mother used to do
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • It's like reading my autobiography*BG* (NT) -- Dale, 08:01:24 01/15/07 Mon
    • LOL!!!!!!!! Dale, you crack me up, girlfriend!!! (NT) -- Keira, 19:29:14 01/15/07 Mon
  • Mwahahahahaha! My DH wouldn't be GAME... (NT) -- Leigh, 20:06:55 01/16/07 Tue

  ---

• Got this from a friend at work and thought they were funny. Have no idea if they are true, but I laughed -- Whiskey Eyes, 05:49:36 01/11/07 Thu
  On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
  (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
  
  On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
  (...and you thought????...)
  
  On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
  (but wouldn't this save me time?)
  
  On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
  (W e c ould do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
  
  On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
  (...I'm taking this because???....)
  
  On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
  (as opposed to what?)
  
  On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
  (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
  
  On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
  (talk about a news flash)
  
  On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
  (Step 3: say what?)
  
  On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
  (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
  
  On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
  (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • OK, confession time. I have TRIED the ironing the clothes on the body thing. Anybody else? (NT) -- Brookita, 23:52:15 01/11/07 Thu
    • Umm, ok, I confess. I just wanted to iron out the wrinkle on the front. I had a million buttons and I was late for work. I ended up burning my belly.... (NT) -- Bandruidh, the dumbass..., 19:39:50 01/14/07 Sun
  • "Open packet. Eat nuts." ROFL! (NT) -- MiladyM, 05:19:26 01/12/07 Fri
  • I notice most of these are from UK companies, are we considered more idiotic than the rest of the world? I had some flowers delivered recently which had a label attached saying 'do not eat'. (Must explain the lights thing though...we can get Christmas lights which are for indoor use only, so I suppose that one's acceptable) (NT) -- Kirsten, 03:49:16 01/13/07 Sat
  • Don't know about Sainsburys, but the nuts I bought from Asda had the warning printed on them! (NT) -- Margy, 10:30:07 01/14/07 Sun
  • I once bought some Arm & Hammer kitty litter that said it was safe for pets.....Honest!!! (NT) -- CarolE, 21:03:11 01/15/07 Mon

  ---

• For all the nurses... -- poppet, 08:34:40 01/11/07 Thu
  A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
  appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
  However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in
  his crotch.
  
  Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him
  about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough
  so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
  
  Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive
  tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black
  letters was the sentence.
  
  "Get well soon..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Haaaaahaaaaahaaaa, very good!!!!! Actually whenever I've been stopped and I'm wearing my scrubs, I usually get a warning, a thank you and get to drive off without a ticket. Now it could be my smile or my eyes but I think it's cause cops think nurses are hot!!!! LOL. (NT) -- Keira, 18:04:47 01/11/07 Thu
    • Sounds like you get pulled over a lot Keira.....Just how fast do you drive?*G* (NT) -- Dale, 08:04:13 01/15/07 Mon
      • Or maybe it's the piece of leather that I wear on occasion, Dale!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (NT) -- Keira (cracking up just remembering)., 19:34:51 01/15/07 Mon
  • ROFLMAO (NT) -- CindyS, 21:55:22 01/12/07 Fri
  • This was great! Thanks for a good laugh! (NT) -- Margit, 06:29:08 01/13/07 Sat

  ---

• I almost spewed on my puter when I read these. I hope I don't offend any rednecks out there!! -- Amy Hope, 05:29:15 01/04/07 Thu
  >>Redneck Pick Up Lines
  
  
  1) Did you fart?
  
  cuz you blew me away.
  
  2) Are yer parents retarded?
  
  cuz ya sure are special.
  
  3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea ...
  
  I can't hold it in.
  
  4) Do you have a library card?
  
  cuz I'd like to sign you out.
  
  5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
  
  cuz I can see myself in em.
  
  6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
  
  7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light
  switch away.
  
  8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
  
  Woman - "WHAT?"
  
  Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
  
  9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
  
  10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
  
  I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
  
  11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
  
  12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
  
  and.... the best for last!
  
  13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts
  tighten up.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • I did OK till #13! Then I lost it! (NT) -- TanyaB, 08:12:48 01/04/07 Thu
    • Oh wait, I skipped #7 !! (NT) -- TanyaB, 08:17:58 01/04/07 Thu
      • HI,TanyaB how are things in Savannah? (NT) -- Amy Hope waving from Brunswick, 05:04:31 01/05/07 Fri
  • I live in a redneck world, here on the farm - these are hilarious!! (NT) -- annieo, 19:38:23 01/04/07 Thu
  • These are GREAT but in #11 it shoud be "winder" not window. hehehe (NT) -- Catherine Ruth, 14:15:22 01/13/07 Sat

  ---

• New spin on the prince and the frog :) -- poppet, 08:22:26 01/11/07 Thu
  An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep
  her
  company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched.
  None
  of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As
  she
  walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
  He whispered, "I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME WITH YOU.
  YOU
  WON'T EVER BE SORRY."
  The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else.
  So, she
  bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside
  her.
  As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her
  "KISS ME
  AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY."
  So the old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
  IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young,
  handsome prince.
  THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS. SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY
  FELT
  HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY
  TURNED INTO?
  
  COME ON GUESS!
  
  
  
  OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON -- DON'T BE A POOP!
  *
  *
  *
  *
  *
  SHE TURNED INTO THE
  FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!
  
  She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!!
  
  OLD LADIES ROCK
  

  [Edit]
  

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• Not a joke, per say, but funny none the less... -- Lady Stormwing, 17:53:46 01/10/07 Wed
  From the mouths of babes...
  
  One of my Christmas presents from my parents this year was a plane ticket to visit friends in Georgia. Prior to this, I had never flown before, but my five-year-old godson, AJ, went to Disney last year and now considers himself an expert on air travel. This was the advice he gave me:
  
  "Don't worry Cate, they have buckles and stuff so you don't fall out. And they lock the doors. And you can close the window if you want to take a nap."
  
  *sigh* Can't argue with that wisdom!
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Moms! -- Pepper, 16:39:37 01/06/07 Sat
  Why God made Moms - BRILLIANT answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions.
  
  
  
  Why did God make mothers?
  
  1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
  2. Mostly to clean the house.
  3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
  
  
  
  How did God make mothers?
  
  1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
  2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring
  3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.
  
  
  
  What ingredients are mothers made of?
  
  1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
  2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
  
  
  
  Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom?
  
  1. We're related
  2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
  
  
  
  What kind of little girl was your mom?
  
  1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
  2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
  3. They say she used to be nice.
  
  
  What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
  
  1. His last name.
  2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
  3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
  
  
  
  Why did your mom marry your dad?
  
  1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
  2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
  3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
  
  
  
  Who's the boss at your house?
  
  1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
  2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
  3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
  
  
  
  What's the difference between moms & dads?
  
  1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
  2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
  3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
  4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
  
  
  
  What does your mom do in her spare time?
  
  1. Mothers don't do spare time.
  2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
  
  
  
  What would it take to make your mom perfect?
  
  1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
  2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
  
  
  
  If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
  
  1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
  2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
  3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
  
  
  Personally my favorite is #2 of What would make my mom perfect...
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • These are really great. I'm sending them to my kids!! (NT) -- annieo, 05:32:10 01/08/07 Mon

  ---

• Rye Bread -- annieo, 20:48:55 01/07/07 Sun
  Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
  
  The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of
  breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what
  he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread
  every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with
  the ladies."
  
  So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking
  around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye
  bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"He
  said, "I want 5 loaves.
  
  She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf,
  it'll be hard"
  
  He repl ied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this
  but me."
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Last year on the computer -- Lady Elizabeth, 18:01:17 01/03/07 Wed
  SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER
  
  I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
  
  Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
  
  I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
  
  I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
  
  I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
  
  I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
  
  I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day
  
  Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
  
  Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
  
  I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
  
  I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
  
  I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
  
  And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
  
  I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
  
  I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
  
  I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
  
  I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
  
  I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
  
  I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
  
  I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
  
  Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
  
  Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
  
  And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
  
  Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
  
  If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
  causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
  
  Have a wonderful day....
  A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
  
  Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Don't forget to send this back to the person who sent it to you but add your name to the bottom of the list, send a dollar to the first person on the list then remove that name before sending it on. Within a month you will be able to retire on the millions of single dollar bills you will have received from total strangers and be glad you helped a child at Podunk Middle School complete his/her social studies project. (NT) -- kgp, 18:32:55 01/03/07 Wed
  • Amazing! -- KeeliK, 05:22:37 01/04/07 Thu
    • aaaahhHH! took my hand offa the mouse too late! (NT) -- Mac., 12:50:53 01/04/07 Thu

  ---

• English lesson -- LadyBelle, 07:56:34 12/30/06 Sat
  Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
  
  The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said,he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
  
  Then he says, "This is powerful medicine but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
  
  The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
  
  The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year."
  
  Harry rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess.
  
  That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123", and suddenly he becomes more aroused than anytime in his life, just as the medicine man had promised.
  
  His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
  
  And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a
  preposition.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Poor guy, dumbass me didn't even know what a preposition was! (NT) -- Sheila, 19:18:31 12/30/06 Sat
    • It's okay Sheila. My DH didn't get the joke. He said it must just be for English majors. Then he called me a nerd. : ) (NT) -- LadyBelle, 08:32:26 12/31/06 Sun
      • I got the joke, it was the clever bit which stumped me*G* PS We must all be nerds then, I love that this is a predominantly female joke board, I am always guaranteed a laugh. That's his problem I think. DH doesn't find the ones I like funny either. (NT) -- Sheila, 19:18:25 12/31/06 Sun
  • My DH snorted and walked away so I had to email it to my english major friend (NT) -- Lady Elizabeth, 11:37:31 12/31/06 Sun

  ---

• A Parent's Night Before Christmas -- Traci_Mc, 20:56:25 12/19/06 Tue
  'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
  I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
  Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
  In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
  The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
  While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
  A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
  And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
  
  
  We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
  Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
  Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
  If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!
  
  When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
  But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
  With each part numbered and every slot named,
  So if we failed, only we could be blamed.
  
  More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
  All over the carpet they were scattered about.
  "Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
  Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
  Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
  "Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
  
  And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
  That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
  To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
  With "assembly required" till morning's first light.
  
  We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
  Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
  The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
  Before we attached the last rod and last pin.
  
  Then laying the tools away in the chest,
  We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
  But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
  "This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
  
  Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
  And not have to run to the store for a thing!
  We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
  For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"
  
  Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
  Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
  I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Hehehe! This is very clever! Certainly rings true for any parents who have spent half of Christmas Eve trying to put together something before first light on Christmas morning! *G* Been there, done that! (NT) -- Leigh, 16:30:56 12/31/06 Sun

  ---

• Involuntary muscular contractions -- Sheila, 01:00:11 12/22/06 Fri
  A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
  contractions" to his first year medical students.
  Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
  He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
  She replied: " Golfing with his buddies."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • ROFLMAO!!!! (NT) -- Leigh, 14:21:48 12/22/06 Fri
  • that got me giggling. (NT) -- DonnElaine, 14:53:42 12/23/06 Sat
  • hahahaha..reminds me of the one....What's a women's asshole doing during sex??? He better be home watching the kids! hahaha (pretty bad, I know but couldn't resist) (NT) -- poppet, 06:46:42 12/28/06 Thu

  ---

• Best toast of the night!? -- CindyS, 13:05:26 12/02/06 Sat
  John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, lying between the legs of me wife!"
  
  That won him the top prize at the local pub for the best toast of the night!
  
  He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
  She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
  John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
  "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
  
  The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
  The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
  
  She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • LOL, cute one! (NT) -- Kristin, 07:45:45 12/27/06 Wed

  ---

• Tequila Christmas Cake -- Keeli, 14:19:09 12/19/06 Tue
  Tequila Christmas Cake
  
  1 cup water
  1 tsp. baking soda
  1 cup sugar
  1 tsp. salt
  1 cup of brown sugar
  Lemon juice
  4 large eggs
  Nuts
  1 bottle tequila
  2 cups dried fruit
  
  Sample the tequila to check quality. (I already sampled it.....several
  times to check the quality)
  
  Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the
  highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
  
  Repeat.
  
  Turn on the electric mixer.
  
  Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
  
  Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
  
  At this point its best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try Another
  cup...just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy.
  
  Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
  
  Pick the frigging fruit up off the floor.
  
  Mix on the turner.
  
  If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a
  drewscriver.
  
  Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.
  
  Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.
  
  Check the tequila.
  
  Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
  
  Add one table.
  
  Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
  
  Greash the oven.
  
  Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
  
  Don't forget to beat off the turner.
  
  Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
  
  Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.
  
  
  CHERRY MISTMAS!
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Dang, I LOVE this one!! I have it posted on my oven door, specially for xmas! (NT) -- LissC, 18:13:57 12/26/06 Tue

  ---

• No Child Left Behind--The Football Version -- Kyrie, 20:07:43 12/18/06 Mon
  Very funny in a sad way.
  
  NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND---The Football Version
  
  1. All teams must make the state playoffs and all MUST win the championship. If a team does not win the championship, they will be on probation until they are the champions, and coaches will be held accountable. If after two years they have not won the championship their footballs and equipment will be taken away UNTIL they do win the championship.
  
  2. All children will be expected to have the same football skills at the same time even if they do not have the same conditions or opportunities to practice on their own. NO exceptions will be made for lack of interest in football, a desire to perform athletically, or genetic abilities or disabilities of themselves or their parents. ALL KIDS WILL PLAY FOOTBALL AT A PROFICIENT LEVEL!
  
  3. Talented players will be asked to workout on their own, without instruction. This is because the coaches will be using all of their instructional time with the athletes who aren't interested in football, have limited athletic ability or whose parents don't like football.
  
  
  4. Games will be played year round, but statistics will only be kept in the 4th, 8th, and 11th game. It will create a New Age of Sports where every school is expected to have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimum goals. If no child gets ahead, then no child gets left behind.
  
  5. If parents do not like this new law, they are encouraged to vote for vouchers and support private schools that can screen out the non-athletes and prevent their children from having to go to school with bad football players.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Yes, this is very sad. A teacher must have written it. I'll bet people in non-US lands will think it's crazy. (NT) -- Brookita, 02:32:14 12/26/06 Tue

  ---

• THE ART THIEF -- Leigh, 14:21:05 12/22/06 Fri
  
  Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.
  
  When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
  
  "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Groan *g* (NT) -- Florence, 11:21:14 12/25/06 Mon

  ---

• Did you know? -- DawnaL, 05:39:23 12/25/06 Mon
  Chances are, if your parents didn't have any children, you probably won't have children either!
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS ...(This one is worth passing on.) -- devenhuis, 15:00:03 12/21/06 Thu
  
  This one is for everyone who...
  
  a) has kids, b) had kids, c) was a kid, d) knows a kid e) is going to have kids.
  
  I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
  
  Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.
  Went back to packing, looked up again and my daught er was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
  
  I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
  
  She replied, "What happened to my booger?
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! (but I did laugh out loud) (NT) -- Whiskey Eyes, 11:04:22 12/24/06 Sun

  ---

• Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged -- Melva T, 16:03:44 12/19/06 Tue
  I think I'm #8 half the time and #14 the rest of the time.
  
  1) Schizophrenia---- Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?
  
  2) Amnesia-- I Don't Remember If I'll be Home for Christmas
  
  3) Narcissistic-- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
  
  4) Manic-- Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And
  Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants
  And...........
  
  5) Multiple Personality Disorder----We Three Queens Disoriented Are
  
  6) Paranoid---Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us
  
  7) Borderline Personality Disorder--- You Better Watch Out, You Better not Shout, I'm
  Gonna Cry, and I'll not Tell You Why
  
  8) Full Personality Disorder--- Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire
  
  9) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bell s Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
  Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
  
  10) Agoraphobia---I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
  
  11) Senile Dementia---Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My
  Slippers and Robe
  
  12) Oppositional Defiant Disorder---I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned
  Down the House
  
  13) Social Anxiety Disorder---Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and
  Hyperventilate
  
  14) Attention Deficit Disorder--We Wish You......Hey Look!! It's Snowing!!!
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • BWAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! I love this! Love #2, #7 and #11! (NT) -- Leigh, 14:17:53 12/22/06 Fri
  • luved it. I sent it out on my christmas email circuit. I think I'm a combo between a 6 and a 3. aaaah, but whatcha gonna do. (NT) -- DonnElaine, 15:00:08 12/23/06 Sat

  ---

• words of wisdom -- DonnElaine, 14:57:28 12/23/06 Sat
  
  
  
  Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.
  -Cora Harvey Armstrong-
  
  
  
  Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the b*tch up with cookies.
  (Unknown)
  
  
  
  The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
  -Helen Hayes (at 73)-
  
  
  
  I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
  -Janette Barber-
  
  
  Old age ain't no place for sissies.
  -Bette Davis-
  
  
  
  Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
  -Caryn Leschen-
  
  
  
  If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
  -Catherine-
  
  
  
  I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
  -Roseanne Barr-
  
  
  
  Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
  -Maryon Pearson-
  
  
  
  Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
  -Eleanor Roosevelt-
  
  
  now......
  When life hands you lemons, buy some tequila and salt and call me over!!
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• THE POLITE WAY TO PEE -- DonnElaine, 18:40:57 12/20/06 Wed
  THE POLITE WAY TO PEE
  
  During one of her daily classes a
  teacher trying to teach good manners,
  asked her students the following question:
  
  "Michael, if you were on a date
  having dinner with a nice young lady,
  how would you tell her that you have
  to go to the bathroom?"
  
  Michael said, "Just a minute I have
  to go pee."
  
  The teacher responded by saying,
  "That would be rude and impolite.
  
  What about you Peter, how would you
  say it?"
  Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need
  to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
  
  "That's better, but it's still not
  very nice to say the word
  bathroom at the dinner table.
  
  And you, little Johnny, can you use
  your brain for once and show us your good
  manners?"
  
  "I would say: Darling, may I please
  be excused for a moment? I have to
  shake hands with a very dear friend
  of mine, whom I hope you'll get to
  meet after dinner."
  
  The teacher fainted.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • ROFLOL (NT) -- CindyS, 20:54:33 12/20/06 Wed
  • This was great, thanks! (NT) -- Margit, 09:37:24 12/21/06 Thu

  ---

• Reset Potato -- Cassiopeia, 08:52:59 12/20/06 Wed
  Caller: I just arrived at my lake house for the summer, and the satellite TV isn't working! Why is it off?!
  CSR: Sir, please stay calm. It's simple: we just need to reset your receiver since you've been away for a while.
  Caller: How long will that take?
  CSR: It's easy, sir. Do you have a potato handy?
  Caller: Um, let me see... [Pause] Yes, we just picked some up at the store on our way in -- stocking up.
  CSR: Great, sir. An apple would also work. Now, what I need you to do is to cut that potato in half. Then I need you place one half of the potato face-down on top of your receiver. Please make sure it's dry.
  Caller: What?
  CSR: Trust me, sir, I'm a professional. We'll have your service back on in no time.
  Caller: Okay... [Long pause] Alright, done. Now what?
  CSR: Great, sir. The potato will act upon your receiver's magnetic field and will bring the service back online momentarily. It's a built-in security feature so that no one can use your dish while you're away for most of the year.
  
  CSR presses service reset button, remote satellite transmits 'wake up' signal to inactive receiver, TV comes on.
  
  Caller: That's amazing! Who'd have thought... a potato! Will this work every time?
  CSR: Just give us a call if you have any problems in the future, and thank you for using this service.
  

  Last edited by author: Wed December 20, 2006 08:55:40   Edited 1 time.
  [Edit]
  

  ---

• A Southern Nativity -- Traci_Mc, 20:58:46 12/19/06 Tue
  In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.
  
  The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
  
  Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
  
  She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Being a Yankee myself, it took me a second to get it - then I burst out laughing!! That is funny & I'm sending it to my friend in Atlanta who will get a huge laugh! (NT) -- MaryJ, 07:29:00 12/20/06 Wed

  ---

• I Like Monkeys -- RoxAnn E., 13:39:35 12/19/06 Tue
  I like monkeys.
  
  The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
  
  I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
  
  I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
  
  Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.
  
  I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
  
  I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarassed.
  
  I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.
  
  I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.
  
  I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
  
  I finally arrived at a solution. I have them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
  
  I like monkeys.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • I don't know why but this is very funny!! (NT) -- kgp, 15:35:14 12/19/06 Tue

  ---

• Water or ........? -- TanyaB, 06:37:16 12/18/06 Mon
  
  ....It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!
  
  However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
  
  Therefore, it is better to drink wine and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.
  
  
  There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as
  a public service.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • hahaha. Thank goodness I use a water filter. Mind you, it doesn't filter out all the crap so that will mean I'm only half full of it. harhar. (NT) -- DonnElaine, 14:40:41 12/18/06 Mon

  ---

• There's someone for everyone -- Nifty, 13:52:41 12/18/06 Mon
  A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again.
  
  She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
  
  HUSBAND WANTED:
  MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
  MUST NOT BEAT ME,
  MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
  AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
  ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
  
  On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened
  the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no
  arms or legs.
  
  "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow
  said. "Just look at you .. you have no legs!"
  
  The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
  
  "You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
  
  Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you! "
  
  She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in
  bed??"
  
  The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
  "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
  
  The wedding is scheduled for Saturday
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• I apologise for this one... -- alison, 01:22:26 12/13/06 Wed
  A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
  
  First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
  
  Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.
  
  He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moved on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
  
  As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them in with the lions.
  
  Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?" The lion says "Absolutely brilliant".
  
  WAIT FOR IT
  
  
  
  
  WAIT...
  
  
  
  
  WAIT...
  
  
  
  "Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Zoo Keeper -- Kyrie, 18:00:39 12/13/06 Wed
  • Fish and chimps, I get even though I am an ignorant American, but what are mushy bees? (NT) -- DonnaF, 05:54:34 12/14/06 Thu
    • I understand it to be a spoof on "Fish & chips with mushy peas"... (NT) -- Lady Lam, 07:01:47 12/14/06 Thu
  • Yes, the Brits serve mushy peas with EVERYTHING. Think split pea soup that's the consistency of a thick chili. It's good, but gods it was everywhere. :) (NT) -- Green Dragon, 08:17:00 12/14/06 Thu
    • I personally can't stand the stuff!!! (NT) -- alison, 01:57:31 12/15/06 Fri
    • Well, not quite everything - I've never knowingly served mushy peas...... (NT) -- RuthII, 09:06:18 12/15/06 Fri
    • Where on earth did you go in England to be served mushy peas everywhere? The only places I've seen them sold on a regular basis is in fish and chip shops. They certainly aren't on the menu in any of the restaurants I go in. I do occasionally allow my DH to have them as he likes them (being a Yorkshireman) but I'm not so keen. (NT) -- Kirsten, 03:05:05 12/16/06 Sat
  • I'll second you there Ruth...Ihate mushy peas....Ihate any peas !!!! (NT) -- Iona H, 09:56:01 12/15/06 Fri
    • Shudder! Ack mushy peas, hate them! (See you on Friday Iona) (NT) -- albion, 13:20:12 12/18/06 Mon
  • We ate mostly at pubs, and that was served, with the fish & chips, with the steak & kidney pie, with the... you get the idea. It didn't happen so much on our last trip, but we ate mostly ethnic (we were in London!) The Indian restaurants don't serve mushy peas :) (NT) -- Green Dragon, 07:40:04 12/18/06 Mon

  ---

• For your info...interesting tid bits -- poppet, 09:10:43 12/15/06 Fri
  "In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat
  his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of
  thumb"
  -------------------------------------------
  Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen
  Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English
  language.
  -------------------------------------------
  The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and
  Wilma Flintstone.
  -------------------------------------------
  Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
  -------------------------------------------
  Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
  -------------------------------------------
  Coca-Cola was originally green.
  -------------------------------------------
  It is impossible to lick your elbow.
  -------------------------------------------
  The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
  -------------------------------------------
  The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
  -------------------------------------------
  The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:
  61,000
  ----------------------------------------------------------
  Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
  Spades - King David
  Hearts - Charlemagne
  Clubs -Alexander, the Great
  Diamonds - Julius Caesar
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the
  air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air
  the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has
  all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John
  Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the
  last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
  A. Their birthplace
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
  requested?
  A. Obsession
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
  would find the letter "A"?
  A. One thousand
  ----------------------------------------------------------
  Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
  printers all have in common?
  A. All were invented by women.
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
  A. Honey
  ---------------------------------------------------------
  Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
  A. Father's Day
  ----------------------------------------------------------
  In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When
  you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to
  sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
  ----------------------------------------------------------
  It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
  after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all
  the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was
  lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as
  the honeymoon.
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England,
  when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints
  and quarts, and settle down."
  It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
  -----------------------------------------------------------Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim,
  or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the
  whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by
  this practice.
  -----------------------------------------------------------~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
  At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...
  1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
  2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
  3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
  4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
  5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
  they don't have e-mail addresses.
  6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
  anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
  7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
  screen.
  8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have
  the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
  you turn around to go and get it.
  10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
  11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
  12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
  13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
  message.
  14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
  15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
  list.
  AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • "The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska" That's because our cars won't start. (NT) -- RoxAnn E., 09:16:21 12/15/06 Fri
    • omg, I did scroll back up to see if there was a #9!!! and yes I'm laughing!!! its scary how much women know about men..... (looks around furtively....) (NT) -- Mac., 11:31:00 12/15/06 Fri
  • I love fact lists like this, thanks. I particularly like the statue in the park one and the honeymoon one. (NT) -- Margy, 13:20:51 12/15/06 Fri
  • That was fun, thanks. I was puzzled by the wilderness one until I remembered (duh!) all the Northern Canadian territory. (NT) -- kgp, 15:43:22 12/15/06 Fri
  • I loved that, considered my elbow and thought nah!, missed the 9 and checked it.Laughed at the online before coffee though, and going looking for copper and zinc shampoo! (NT) -- Sheila, 16:36:15 12/15/06 Fri

  ---

• Getting into heaven -- LadyBelle, 12:44:53 12/15/06 Fri
  A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
  
  While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
  
  Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up"?
  
  God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8
  days to live."
  
  Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital
  and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.
  
  After her last operation, she was released from the
  hospital.
  
  While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by an ambulance and killed.
  
  Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said
  I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"
  
  God replied, "Girrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!"
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• How Long -- SueKy, 12:33:15 12/15/06 Fri
  
  
  A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
  The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
  The guy left.
  A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
  The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
  The guy left.
  A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
  The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half."
  The guy left.
  The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes.
  He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
  A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
  The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
  Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• A small wooden ball -- DawnaL, 14:46:30 12/12/06 Tue
  A man went to a barber for a trim and a shave. While the barber was lathering the man up for his shave, the man told the barber that he always
  has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.
  The barber pulled a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place this ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and I can
  give you a close shave."
  The man did this, and the barber shaved the right side of his face.
  "Wow!" exclaimed the man, "that is great!"
  He put the ball in the left side of his mouth, in anticipation of the barber's next move and with muffled voice asked, "Buh wat happens if I accidentowy swawo du baw?"
  The barber said, "Just bring it back tomorrow.
  That's what most guys do."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Gross!!! (NT) -- Sheila, 23:45:37 12/12/06 Tue
  • ick..ick..ick.. that's so gross. (NT) -- alison, 08:15:45 12/14/06 Thu

  ---

• I will put this joke in the first response so as not to offend anyones Religious sensibilities. -- LexyG, 08:01:03 09/01/06 Fri
  [Edit]
  
  Replies:
  • This is so funny>>> -- LexyG, 08:01:55 09/01/06 Fri
    • Copied and emailed to my favourite friends. Pretty funny! THank you! (NT) -- Hedy, 13:22:22 09/01/06 Fri
    • snerk snerk snerk snort - I love it - gonna copy & paste, too! (NT) -- LadyLam, 22:18:30 09/01/06 Fri
    • Hahahahaaa....I liked it.....very good!! (NT) -- Noelle, 15:19:43 09/02/06 Sat
  • Not offended and I liked it (NT) -- Lady Elizabeth, 11:49:34 09/01/06 Fri
  • But there's more... -- Matthew, 17:51:20 12/12/06 Tue

  ---

• The Sample -- Tooki, 20:41:07 09/13/06 Wed
  An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this – I first tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too; first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open".
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Sick! -- Matthew, 16:33:42 12/12/06 Tue

  ---

• The Man Who Knows His Math Writes...... -- DawnaL, 14:48:31 12/12/06 Tue
  I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive
  onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
  
  This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger. " Man, that guy is stupid,"
  I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
  
  I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
  That's 96 miles each day.
  
  Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
  
  Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
  There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
  That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
  
  Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
  
  That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
  
  Statistically, females drive half of these.
  That's 18,000 women drivers!
  
  In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
  That's 642.
  
  According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
  That's 449.
  
  According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
  That's 98.
  
  And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
  That's 33.
  
  According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
  
  That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has
  seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
  
  Give her the finger? I don't think so.
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Holiday Eating Tips -- Mari L., 14:11:57 12/12/06 Tue
  1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. If you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
  
  2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
  
  3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat!
  
  4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
  
  5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
  
  6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
  
  7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
  
  8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin, mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
  
  9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have SOME standards.
  
  10. One final tip, if you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry. January is just around the corner.
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Wrong one -- SueKy, 13:11:55 12/12/06 Tue
  The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
  She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, " Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Hospital Humour -- Margy, 07:22:57 12/11/06 Mon
  An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
  
  In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off him and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
  
  As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the hell is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down, replied, "I'm not sure but I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost".
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Christmas Stamps -- kgp, 05:59:45 12/11/06 Mon
  
  A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
  She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
  The clerk says, "What denomination?"
  The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
  Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists".
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• From LOLKate via me -- Tooki, 20:18:47 12/06/06 Wed
  There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
  
  Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles, putting up the planks, buying the paint and ... yes, we're sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.
  
  Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
  
  Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
  
  And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Cute. Was I the only one who had to read this phrase over twice before I read the correct words. 'erecting the trestles' At first, my mind read 'erecting testicles' - whatever they are! (NT) -- CathyS, 18:32:16 12/08/06 Fri
  • Love it!!!Thanks. (NT) -- Brookita, 17:25:12 12/10/06 Sun

  ---

• The Medical Check Up -- devenhuis, 17:36:22 12/09/06 Sat
  A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
  
  After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
  
  "Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
  
  "That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
  
  "Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."
  
  "Correct," replied the shady doctor . Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
  
  "Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Did you hear about the Scottish drag queen? -- JeanClaire*, 06:54:14 12/08/06 Fri
  
  
  
  
  He wore pants.
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Delia v The Real Woman -- ValerieF, 03:39:16 12/08/06 Fri
  Delia v's The Real Woman...Handy household tips for the modern woman.
  
   Delia's Way
   Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips
   The Real Woman's Way
   Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake.
   You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
   Delia's Way
   To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
   The Real Woman's Way
   Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
   Delia's Way
   When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of  the cake.
   The Real Woman's Way
   Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
   Delia's Way
   If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
   The Real Woman's Way
   If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: "I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
   Delia's Way
   Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
   The Real Woman's Way
   It could keep forever. Who eats it?
   Delia's Way
   Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
   The Real Woman's Way
   Sainsbury's frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg white over the crust so I don't do that.
   Delia's Way
   Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.
   The throbbing will go away.
   The Real Woman's Way
   Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but who cares?
   Delia's Way
   If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves - they give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
   The Real Woman's Way
   Why do I have a man?
   And finally the most important tip ....
   Delia's Way
   Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
   
   The Real Woman's Way
   Leftover wine???? Hello!!!!!
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Very funny (NT) -- Louise C H, 04:42:23 12/08/06 Fri

  ---

• Boy in Cupboard -- ValerieF, 07:40:50 12/06/06 Wed
  A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
  Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The husband comes home and she puts the lover in the same cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.
  The little boy says, "Dark in here,"
  The lover says "yes it is"
  Boy: " I have a football"
  Man: "That's nice"
  Boy: "Want to buy it?"
  Man: " No thanks"
  Boy: "My dads outside."
  Man: "OK how much"
  Boy: £250
  
  In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
  Boy: "Dark in here"
  Man "Yes it is"
  Boy: " I have football boots"
  The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
  Boy: £750
  Man: Sold.
  
  A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, lets go and have a game, the boy says, "Ive sold them,"how much" says the father,
  Boy: £1000 The father says "That's terrible to overcharge your friend like that, I'm going to take you to church to confess."
  
  They go to church and the father sits the boy in the confession box and closes the door.
  The boy says "Dark in here."
  The priest says "Don't start that shit again. You're in my cupboard now".
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • I Didn't see that one coming... too funny (NT) -- SueKy, 13:06:35 12/06/06 Wed
  • LOL!!! Sure glad I didn't have a mouthful of something! The computer screen would have been splattered! (NT) -- VickiB, 22:35:48 12/07/06 Thu

  ---

• From Judithea via me (think it may have been posted here a while ago, but good for a laugh!) -- Tooki, 20:24:00 12/06/06 Wed
  A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
  
  "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
  He looks at her and says angrily; "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"
  
  The wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
  
  "Fine," she says "Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
  "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"
  
  So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
  
  “Honey," he asks, "How'd all this get fixed?"
  
  She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. he offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."
  
  He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake him?"
  
  She replied, "Helloooo.....do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Three Short Stories..... -- SueKy, 12:56:47 12/06/06 Wed
  
  GOOD
  In Richardson, Texas a state trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he dicovered the problem. A twelve year old boy was standing up the road with a hand held painted sign which read, "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!" The officer then found his young accomplice down the road holding a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade)
  
  BETTER
  A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano, Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
  The police reponded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
  
  BEST
  A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Texas State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas state Ball."
  He replied, "Texas State Police don't have balls."
  There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• THE BOTTLE OF WINE -- CindyS, 12:18:01 12/06/06 Wed
  Sally was driving home from one of her business
  trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
  Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
  
  As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
  the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
  a ride.
  
  With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
  the car.
  
  Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
  a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
  woman just sat silently, looking intently at
  everything she saw, studying every little detail,
  until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
  Sally.
  
  "What in bag?" asked the old woman.
  
  Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's
  a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
  
  The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
  two.
  
  Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
  she said:
  
  "Good trade....."
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Motorway Pile-up -- ValerieF, 06:40:06 11/28/06 Tue
  Man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
  The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
  Now you probably won't remember but you were in a
  pile-up on the motorway. Now you're going to be OK, you'll walk again,
  But something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck
  and we were unable to find it.
  " Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright,
  We have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did,better in fact.
  But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch".
  The bloke perks up at this, even though its a thousand pounds an inch.
  "So the thing is" the doctor says, " it's for you to decide
  how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.
  I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision." So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day. "So" says the doctor "Have you spoken
  with your wife?" "I have" says the bloke. "And has she helped you in making the decision?" "She has" says the bloke. "And what is it?" asks the doctor.
  You women will just love this!!!
  The bloke looks up and says "We're having a new kitchen".
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • ouch! (NT) -- Mac., 06:07:43 11/29/06 Wed
  • Well, he obviously didn't put it to best use when he had it did he? (NT) -- Sheila, 06:16:11 12/04/06 Mon

  ---

• HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids) -- annieo, 18:25:16 12/03/06 Sun
  (I know you've all seen this, probably more than once, but it makes me smile every time!)
  
  (1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
  - Alan, age 10
  
  (2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
  - Kristen, age 10
  
  
  WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
  
  (1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
  - Camille, age 10
  
  (2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
  - Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
  
  
  HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
  
  (1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
  - Derrick, age 8
  
  
  WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
  
  (1) Both don't want any more kids.
  - Lori, age 8
  
  
  WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
  
  (1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
  - Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
  
  (2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
  - Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains)
  
  
  WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
  
  (1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
  -Craig, age 9
  
  
  WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
  
  (1) When they're rich.
  - Pam, age 7 (smart girl!!!!!!!!!)
  
  (2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
  - Curt, age 7 (Good Point)
  
  (3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
  - Howard, age 8 (Who made the rule ? )
  
  
  IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
  
  (1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
  - Theodore, age 8 (Too much detail for his age)
  
  (2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
  - Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
  
  
  HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
  
  (1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
  - Kelvin, age 8
  
  And the #1 Favourite is........
  
  
  HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
  
  (1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
  - Ricky, age 10 ( The boy already understands !)
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Jacob & Rebecca -- annieo, 18:22:48 11/27/06 Mon
  Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
  
  Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the
  owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
  
  Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart
  medication?"
  
  Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
  
  Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
  
  Pharmacist: "All kinds."
  
  Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
  
  Pharmacist: "Definitely."
  
  Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
  
  Pharmacist: "Of course."
  
  Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
  
  Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
  
  Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
  
  Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
  
  Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
  
  Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
  
  
  
  Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Love it!! (NT) -- Brookita, 00:22:31 12/01/06 Fri

  ---

• pork and mmmph -- Catherine Ruth, 16:20:17 11/27/06 Mon
  A priest and a rabbi were chatting.
  The priest said "Rabbi, you're not allowed to each pork, are you?"
  "No" replied the rabbi "we don't eat pork."
  The priest winked and said "Just between you and me, surely you've tried it?"
  The rabbi looked sheepish as he said, "Yes, I've tried it. But tell me, Father, you're not allowed to have sex. Are you?"
  "No," said the priest. "We take a vow of celibacy."
  "Well" said the rabbi. "Just between us, surely you've tried it?"
  "Just between us, yes, I've tried it" said the priest.
  The rabbi replied, "Sure beats pork, don't it?"
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Tho' neither of these are joking matters to sufferers, hope y'all will take it in the right spirit.. -- Tooki, 12:23:48 11/23/06 Thu
  The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
  "Hello".
  
  "Mrs. Newman, please."
  
  "Speaking."
  
  "Mrs. Newman, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
  When your doctor sent your husband's specimen to the lab yesterday, a specimen from another Mr. Newman arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
  
  "What do you mean?"
  
  "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS . We can't tell which is your husband's."
  
  "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Newman.
  
  "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
  
  "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "
  
  "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds hisway home, don't sleep with him."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Oh dear that's dreadful *snorting* (NT) -- Sheila, 23:59:01 11/23/06 Thu

  ---

• The seamstress and the thimble . . . -- Marti, 15:39:14 11/22/06 Wed
  One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,
  
  Her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared
  
  And asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
  
  
  
  The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and
  
  That she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their
  
  Family.
  
  
  
  The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble
  
  Set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
  
  
  
  The seamstress replied, "No."
  
  
  
  The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed
  
  With sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
  
  
  
  Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
  
  
  
  The Lord reached down again and came up with a simple leather thimble.
  
  "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
  
  
  
  The seamstress replied, "Yes."
  
  
  
  The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
  
  Thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
  
  
  
  Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
  
  Riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the
  
  Water. When the seamstress cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked
  
  Her, "Why are you crying?"
  
  
  
  "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
  
  
  
  The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
  
  
  
  "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
  
  
  
  "Yes!" cried the seamstress.
  
  
  
  The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
  
  
  
  The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband.
  
  
  
  Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not
  
  In the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
  
  
  
  And so the Lord let her keep him.
  
  
  
  The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and
  
  Honorable reason, and is always in the best interest of others.
  
  
  
  That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
  
  
  
  Signed,
  
  All Us Women
  
  
  
  
  
  "Give us a sense of humor, Lord, Give us the grace to see a joke,
  
  To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk"
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Love it! (NT) -- kgp, 05:27:24 11/23/06 Thu

  ---

• I Owe My Mother -- Judie, 10:10:09 11/18/06 Sat
  I'm sure this has been posted before, but it's funny. :D
  
  Judie
  
  
  
  
  I OWE MY MOTHER
  
  1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
  "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
  cleaning."
  
  2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
  "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
  
  3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
  "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
  of
  next
  week!"
  
  4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
  " Because I said so, ! that's why."
  
  5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
  "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not
  going to
  the
  store with me."
  
  6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
  "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
  accident."
  
  7. My mother taught me IRONY.
  "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
  
  8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
  "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
  
  9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
  "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
  
  10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
  "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
  
  11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
  "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."!
  
  12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
  "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't
  exaggerate!"
  
  13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
  "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
  
  14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
  "Stop acting like your father!"
  
  15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
  "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
  don't
  have
  wonderful parents like you do."
  
  16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
  "Just wait until we get home."
  
  17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
  "You are going to get it when you get home!"
  
  18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
  "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze
  that
  way."
  
  19. My mother taught me ESP.
  "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
  
  20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
  "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to
  me."
  
  21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
  "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
  
  22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
  "You're just like your father."
  
  23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
  "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
  
  24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
  "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
  
  25.! And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day
  you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Are we talking your Mom, or my Mom, Judie?! *VBG!* (NT) -- Chirre, 03:41:44 11/20/06 Mon
  • Hi Judie..just loved this..do you mind if I put it in my blog? (NT) -- poppet, 07:14:35 11/20/06 Mon
    • Go for it! It's pretty much public domain, I'd say. :D (NT) -- Judie, 12:20:19 11/22/06 Wed

  ---

• Practical English in practice a'la Finland. -- Helka, 06:12:56 11/20/06 Mon
  The following is by no means representative of Finnish English. The kind of
  English used by Finns is usually, by European standards, low on errors. In
  fact, Finns are only too aware of making mistakes. However,certain
  pronunciation problems can be identified as rather Finnish.
  
  
  So sit back, relax and see if you can spot the problem areas.
  
  Matti: Hello Aijan.
  Ian: Oh. Hello Matti.
  Matti: Have you been waiting long?
  Ian: No. I just got in from Hungary.
  Matti: Oh really. Would you like a PISS?
  Ian: Pardon?
  Matti: A PISS of my chocolate?
  Ian: AH! Hungary - not hungry.
  Matti: Aah! You're not hungry!
  Ian: Right.
  Matti: Anyway, I'm sorry I'm late, but I had my testis taken at the
  hospital.
  Ian: You're testis?
  Matti: Yes.
  Ian: (Shocked) Er...Did it hurt?
  Matti: Oh no. You know, only a little prick.
  Ian: What? Oh - You had some tests taken!
  Matti: As I said.
  Ian: Well, how are things with Osmo?
  Matti: Not so good. He has become a bit of a "fakki idiootti" - You
  know - a "FACKY IDIOT" Don't you say that in English?
  Ian: I suppose we could. Why not?
  Matti: Yes, well, what can you expect. AIDS always have that effect
  on people.
  Ian: AIDS!!
  Matti: Yes. It come to us all you know. Anyway, I'm Happy with my
  AIDS aren't you?
  Ian: Oh - age!
  Matti: That's right - AIDS. I mean it's not a CATASTROPH to be
  forty, is it!
  Ian: A what?
  Matti: A catastroph!
  Ian: Ah, you mean catastrophee!
  Matti: Yes. That's what I said, AIJAN!.. OK. Shall we LIVE together?
  Ian: I beg your pardon?
  Matti: Would you like to LIVE with me?
  Ian: I..I..I..
  Matti: Come on. I have a free evening. And we both have the same
  AIDS let's go...
  
  A little while later at Matti's summer cottage...
  Matti: Well, AIJAN.
  Ian: Ian!
  Matti: Yes. What you think of my summer cottage?
  Ian: Very nice. Do many Finns have their own summer cottages?
  Matti: A turd!
  Ian: A turd? Where?
  Matti: A turd of Finnish people!
  Ian: Oh, a THIRD.
  Matti: As I said.
  Ian: Mmm. It's, er, very peaceful here.
  Matti: Yes, but there are too many BIG NIGGERS here in the summer.
  Ian: Too many what?
  Matti: Big niggers. You know, people who go on picknicks.
  Ian: Picknickers!
  Matti: Exactly. Oh look over there. A salmi. How you say salmi in
  English?
  Ian: Salmi?
  Matti: Yes. Er, you know - a narrow slit between two LEGS
  Ian: A narrow slit between two legs? (gasp)
  Matti: You KUNT.
  Ian: What!?
  Matti: You kunt know that. It's too difficult. Anyway after sauna we
  can go swimming there.
  Ian: Oh yes, a sauna. I'm looking forward to that.
  Matti: Well, I have to VOMIT first.
  Ian: Vomit?
  Matti: Yes. It's not ready yet. I have to VOMIT.
  Ian: Oh, warm it.
  Matti: Yes. What's wrong with you? Don't you understand English?
  Ian: Sorry, Matti. I guess I'm a bit tired.
  Matti: Oh yes. That reminds me. Do you have a SHIT at night?
  Ian: A shit?
  Matti: Yes. Or is a blanket enough?
  Ian: Oh, I see. Well, I wouldn't mind a sheet, thank you very
  much.
  Matti: Fine. OK. Now it's time for sauna. You go and help yourself
  to a SHIT and I'll go and VOMIT.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Hehehe, long live Conelandia. :P I love it. Happy to see some recognition for Finland, I'm Finnish on my mom's side. So I'm Finnish and Scottish, best of both worlds, no? I watched the Amazing Race last weekend and when that blond chick mispronounced Helsinki I wanted to reach through the screen and box her ears in. (NT) -- RoxAnn E., 10:26:45 11/20/06 Mon
    • A Finn and a Scot mix eh? I'd like to hear you pronounce the word you. Is it like JUU or JYY??? (NT) -- Helka, 12:10:22 11/21/06 Tue
  • ROTFLMAO!! Kinda reminded me of Mika Häkkinen thanking his team after a Formula1 race! "I'd like to tank my team!" LOL (NT) -- Chirre (another Finn here), 02:25:23 11/22/06 Wed
    • I want sam tii tu töötituu. = A Finnish politician making an order at the hotel room service. (I want some tea to thirtytwo.) (NT) -- Helka, 08:30:16 11/22/06 Wed

  ---

• Bubba in Paris -- annieo, 13:09:48 11/20/06 Mon
  Bubba, a furniture dealer from Arkansas, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Arkansas.
  
  To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
  
  Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
  
  She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
  
  Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
  
  To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Life Cycle -- TheresaS, 06:21:59 08/09/06 Wed
  This would be great
  
  I think the life cycle is all backwards
  
  You should start out dead and get it out of the way.
  
  Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
  
  You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then
  when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
  
  You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
  
  You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get
  ready for High School.
  
  You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no
  responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
  
  You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
  conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every
  day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.
  
  I rest my case.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Haha...now that ya say it sounds like the right way to do it. (NT) -- Noelle, 22:56:24 08/09/06 Wed
  • This sounds pretty good!! (NT) -- abby, 11:26:38 11/20/06 Mon

  ---

• Pick your Turkey -- Judie, 10:36:38 11/18/06 Sat
  .
  .
  This one is funny! Well, I think so. Rick thought it was boring - I wonder why. :D
  
  It opens in Windows Media Player - please RIGHT CLICK and download it to your computer and then play it.
  
  Click here.
  
  
  Judie
  

  Last edited by author: Sat November 18, 2006 10:37:11   Edited 1 time.
  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • This was hilarious...I loved the expressions of people when the blindfolds were removed! (NT) -- poppet, 07:12:22 11/20/06 Mon

  ---

• This one was too hilarious! -- Judie, 09:56:03 11/18/06 Sat
  NEVER BRING PLANTS INTO THE HOUSE !!!
  
  Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
  
  Here's why.
  
  A couple in Sweetwater, Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
  
  It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
  
  She let out a very loud scream.
  
  The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
  
  He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
  
  His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
  
  The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
  
  About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical! Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.
  
  That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
  
  The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.
  
  He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
  
  But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
  
  The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
  
  The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
  
  The noise woke the woman from her faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
  
  By now the police had arrived.
  
  They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.
  
  The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
  
  The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa.
  
  One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.
  
  He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes.
  
  The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
  
  Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department.
  
  The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street.
  
  The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area
  
  (but they did get the house fire out).
  
  Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.
  
  A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
  
  That's when he shot her.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • ...Grinned, snorted, guffawed then Laughed Out Loud... (NT) -- Sara G., 14:36:53 11/18/06 Sat

  ---

• Marriage -- Judie, 10:01:34 11/18/06 Sat
  By all Means... MARRY!
  
  I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
  David Bissonette
  
  
  
  When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
  Sacha Guitry
  
  
  
  After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
  Hemant Joshi
  
  
  
  By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
  Socrates
  
  
  
  Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
  Dumas
  
  
  
  The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
  Sigmund Freud
  
  
  
  I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
  Anonymous
  
  
  
  "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
  Henny Youngman
  
  
  
  "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
  Sam Kinison
  
  
  
  "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
  James Holt McGavran
  
  
  
  "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
  Patrick Murray
  
  
  
  Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
  1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
  2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
  Nash
  
  
  
  The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
  Anonymous
  
  
  
  You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
  Henny Youngman
  
  
  
  My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  Rodney Dangerfield
  
  
  
  A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
  Milton Berle
  
  
  
  Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
  Anonymous
  
  
  
  A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
  Anonymous
  
  
  
  First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
  Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Will I live to be 80? -- Judie, 09:58:00 11/18/06 Sat
  I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
  
  A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
  
  "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
  
  He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
  
  " Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
  
  Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
  
  I said, "No, my other doctor said that red meat is unhealthy!"
  
  "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.
  
  He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
  
  "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
  
  He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?"
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• well, why didn't you say so . . . -- kgp, 09:50:00 11/14/06 Tue
  
  A nice, calm & respectable woman went into a pharmacy, looked the Pharmacist straight into his eyes & said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
  
  The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
  
  The woman replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
  
  The pharmacist's eyes got big & he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! No! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
  
  The woman reached into her purse & pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
  
  The pharmacist looked at the picture & replied, "Well, now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • hahahahahahahahaha (NT) -- Judie, 09:46:15 11/18/06 Sat

  ---

• Eves Side of the Story -- La, 12:47:01 11/14/06 Tue
  After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
  
  "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
  
  "It's all so beautiful" she replied. "Everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I'm constantly knocking them with my arms."
  
  She went on to tell Him that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc .... she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.
  
  "That is a fair point, but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And He reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
  Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
  "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
  "Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
  God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see ............where did I put that useless boob?"
  
  Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that stuff about the rib?
  >>>
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Yep, that makes more sense to me. :D (NT) -- Judie, 09:45:48 11/18/06 Sat

  ---

• A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." -- CindyS, 16:34:25 11/14/06 Tue
  [Edit]
  
  Replies:
  • hahahaha (NT) -- Judie, 09:45:28 11/18/06 Sat

  ---

• A Few Suggestions for a the next "Survivor" Series -- Mari L., 13:08:45 11/15/06 Wed
  Suggestions for the next "Survivor" Series:
  
  Six married men will be dropped off on a populated island for six weeks. Each man will have one car and 3 kids. The children will each play two sports and take music or dance classes. There is no fast food.
  
  Each man must take care of his 3 kids, keep the assigned house clean, cook, do laundry, correct all homework, complete science projects and pay a list of "pretend" bills with limited money. He must make cookies or cupcakes for school functions, find babysitters for one "grownup" event per month, and in December "make Christmas happen."
  
  The men will take their children for doctor, dentist, and haircut appointments and make one unscheduled visit to the ER.
  
  Each man will be responsible for decorating his assigned house, planting flowers and keeping the house presentable at all times.
  
  They will have access to television only when the kids are asleep, kitchen is cleaned, and all chores, including laundry, are done. There will be just one TV and a remote with dead batteries.
  
  Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla, and one marker, and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas. They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.
  
  He will need to read a book and play with the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their teeth, and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. They must leave the home with no food on their faces or clothes.
  
  A test will be given at the end of the six weeks which will require the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size, and doctor's name and phone number. He must also know each child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor , each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.
  
  Each father must have a loving, age appropriate reply to "You're not the boss of me."
  
  The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice. If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years, eventually earning the right to be called Mother.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Could never do that to those poor darlings. Too cruel! *LOL* (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 00:06:26 11/16/06 Thu
  • Each man will also be required to hold down a full time job which necessitates wearing pantyhose and heels each day. (NT) -- kgp, 14:14:56 11/16/06 Thu
  • LOL! (NT) -- Judie, 09:44:31 11/18/06 Sat

  ---

• Temperance sermon -- SueKy, 06:32:06 11/14/06 Tue
  A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If Ihad all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
  With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had
  all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I h ad all the whiskey in the world,
  I'd take it and pour it into the river."
  Sermon complete, he sat down.
  The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
  with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,
  let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Oh that's lovely! (NT) -- Sheila, 07:56:23 11/14/06 Tue

  ---

• gender of non living items -- SueKy, 06:01:06 11/14/06 Tue
  1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
  
  2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons
  are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
  
  3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
  
  4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
  
  5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
  
  6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
  
  7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
  
  8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
  
  9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
  
  10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and
  while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Hungry -- SueKy, 06:03:32 11/14/06 Tue

  ---

• The Counselor -- SueKy, 05:52:33 11/14/06 Tue
  A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately.The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
  The counselor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"The husband says, "I can bring her in on Monday and Wednesday, but on Friday I'm fishing."
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• The Counselor -- SueKy, 05:46:02 11/14/06 Tue
  
  A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?" The husband says, "I can bring her in on Monday and Wednesday, but on Friday I'm fishing."
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Not really a joke but there was this cartoon... -- Judie, 11:06:29 11/13/06 Mon
  .
  .
  I wish I still had it ...
  
  Picture a blues club - lights turned down low and people sitting at tables - and there's a spotlight on the announcer on stage and he says
  
  "Due to an outbreak of euphoria, I.B. Sad will not be performing tonight".
  
  hahahahahahah
  
  Well, I thought it was funny. :D
  
  Judie
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • LOL, yeah, I get it too!!! (NT) -- Keira, 19:19:44 11/13/06 Mon

  ---

• Ponderisms -- Judie, 09:05:59 11/06/06 Mon
  .
  .
  My sister sent me this one - it's cute. :D
  
  
  I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes
  
  Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
  
  The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
  
  Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
  
  There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
  
  Life is sexually transmitted.
  
  Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  
  The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  
  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
  
  Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
  
  Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again
  
  All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
  criticism.
  
  In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
  
  How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  
  Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
  
  Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
  
  Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
  
  If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
  
  If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
  
  Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
  
  Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
  
  Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  
  Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
  
  Judie
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • The chicken one and the test one cracked me up! (NT) -- MaryJ, 09:18:45 11/06/06 Mon
  • Let the weather be my mentor. Thanks Judie. (NT) -- Helka, 10:42:03 11/06/06 Mon
  • Hehehehehhh... whenever I feel blue, eh? LOL (NT) -- Chirre, 01:52:09 11/10/06 Fri

  ---

• For Lexophiles (probably more than a few on here!) -- LilDutchGirl, 09:45:17 11/07/06 Tue
  1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
  
  2. A will is a dead giveaway.
  
  3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
  
  4. A backward poet writes inverse.
  
  5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
  
  6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
  
  7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
  
  8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  
  9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
  
  10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  
  11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
  
  12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.
  
  13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  
  14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
  
  15. He would often have to break into song because he couldn't find the key.
  
  16. A calendar's days are numbered.
  
  17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
  
  18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  
  19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  
  20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  
  21. A short fortune-teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large
  
  22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  
  23. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
  
  24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
  
  25. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye !!!
  
  26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  
  27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  
  28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • GROOOOAN!! (NT) -- kgp - who will now copy and email everyone I know, 13:05:17 11/08/06 Wed
    • I'm gonna do the same thing! LOL (NT) -- Chirre, 01:46:19 11/10/06 Fri

  ---

• In honor of Pun Day -- CindyS, 07:23:33 11/08/06 Wed
  A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• McCartney vs McCartney >>>>>> -- SueP, 03:47:26 11/05/06 Sun
  [Edit]
  
  Replies:
  • Inside here >>>> -- SueP, 03:48:06 11/05/06 Sun
    • ROFL - I was drinking coffee and read the second line "Personally, I think it's prosthetic" and nearly spewed. :D Sue, you are bad - and so am I! hahahahaha (NT) -- Judie, 09:03:22 11/06/06 Mon
  • THAT is funny!!! (NT) -- MaryJ, 09:17:48 11/06/06 Mon
  • OMG, Sue! My face is splitting from laughing so hard. You are a naughtly one! (NT) -- Magdalene, 10:08:34 11/07/06 Tue

  ---

• Oops -- madelyn, 12:09:54 11/06/06 Mon
  [Edit]
  

  ---

• The World's Shortest Psychiatric Joke -- madelyn, 12:07:26 11/06/06 Mon
  A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underpants made of Saran Wrap.
  
  The psychiatrist says, "Well . . . I can clearly see your nuts . . . "
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• THE WORLD'S SHORTEST PSYCHIATRIC JOKE -- madelyn, 12:05:42 11/06/06 Mon
  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Short Jokes -- Lisa, 15:31:29 10/12/06 Thu
  I went to a really small zoo the other day,
  It only had one dog in it.
  It was a shih tzu.
  
  Did you hear about the gay magician?
  He disappeared with a poof.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • *groan* I really like the first one! (NT) -- Lady Stormwing, 21:32:31 10/12/06 Thu
  • oh, those are great!!!!! (NT) -- Margy, 14:27:55 10/13/06 Fri
  • I have a worse one... A man walks into a bar... OUCH! (NT) -- dmaustin, 11:42:12 11/05/06 Sun

  ---

• Dedication -- RoxAnn E., 20:00:14 11/04/06 Sat
  A Scot is the only man the world who will step over the bodies of a dozen naked women to get to a glass of whisky.
  
  **********************
  
  An Englishman was being tried for being drunk and disorderly. The judge asked him where he had bought the whisky.
  " But I didn't buy it, Your Honor," said the Englishman. " A Scotsman gave it to me."
  "Fourteen days for perjury." said the judge.
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Shortest fairytale -- Sheila, 04:01:44 10/29/06 Sun
  Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had sex with whomever she pleased... did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many boyfriends, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched football, never wore fricken lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants, and burped, swore, and farted all the time.
  
  Not that I personally feel that way, but I have a weeny snicker *g*
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Sounds like a great life (NT) -- LadyDuBois, 06:12:29 10/29/06 Sun
  • Haha Sheila, your comment at the end made me chuckle harder than the joke itself....'weeny snicker'...indeed :-D (NT) -- Marilyn, 13:20:40 10/29/06 Sun
  • This joke reminds me of a scene from the Queen Latifa t.v. series, Living Single. Queen was sitting around her apartment with her roommates, and they were consoling one of the ladies who'd had a bad relationship breakup. But shortly after a men-are-scum tirade, one of the girls said, "Yeah, but what would the world be like without men?" Queen's character instantly retorted, "Bunch of fat, happy women with no crime!" (NT) -- Nifty, 13:05:57 11/02/06 Thu

  ---

• An Oldie but (I think) a Goodie -- Magdalene, 07:44:04 11/02/06 Thu
  For her 50th birthday, Maggie treated herself to a facelift. She was thrilled with the results and wanted to show off her youthful new look. While running her errands one day, she couldn't help but ask almost everyone she met how old they thought she was. At the dry cleaners, she asked the young clerk, who responded, "Oh, I'd say about 29." Maggie was delighted to say, "Oh, thanks, but I'm actually 50!" A similar thing happened with the checker at the supermarket, the clerk at the post office, and even the kid behind the McDonald's counter where she went for lunch. Maggie was walking on air that everyone said she didn't look a day over 30. While waiting at the bus stop, she turned to an elderly gentlemen and said, "Excuse me, but how old do you think I am." The old man responded, "Miss, I'm 80 years old and almost blind. However, long ago I learned a foolproof way to guess a woman's age, but you probably won't like it. You see, I'd have to put my hands underneath your bra for a moment." Maggie's curiosity got the best of her, so she said, "Oh,what the heck! Go ahead." The old man slipped his hands underneath her shirt and bra and spent the next 5 minutes or so squeezing, pinching, and stroking. When he removed his hands, he declared, "You are exactly 50 years old." Maggie was stunned. "However did you know?" she asked. The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• What animal has four legs and one hand? A happy pitbull. -- Wilhelmiina, 01:08:26 11/02/06 Thu
  [Edit]
  

  ---

• be careful what you wish for, boys.... -- Amanda, 21:39:49 10/31/06 Tue
  A man was sick and tired of going to work
  every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see
  what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
  
  God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The
  next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed
  their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum,
  dust, and sweep and Mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
  After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher,
  folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
  The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed
  and said: Lord,I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his
  infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel You have learned
  your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • That would be an even better lesson to be added on! (NT) -- Sheila, 03:37:10 11/01/06 Wed

  ---

• Here's a good one for Halloween -- FloraMac, 04:16:06 10/27/06 Fri
  I'll put it inside the first response as it is a scrolling one...
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • In here>>>>>>>>>> -- FM, 04:17:05 10/27/06 Fri
    • Oh haha too cute, I've not seen that one before :) (NT) -- Marilyn, 16:05:24 10/27/06 Fri
    • good God, my past has caught up with me! Used to tell a version of this set in haunted house w/ a cough drop in Scouts! (NT) -- devenhuis, 19:48:10 10/27/06 Fri
  • Oh groan FloraMac...still made me laugh though (NT) -- Sheila, 21:01:02 10/27/06 Fri

  ---

• Hahaha, my mom sent me this one...Inside! -- Sian Elizabeth, 21:59:30 10/25/06 Wed
  >>A Norwegian, an Irishman and a Scotsman take their
  >> wives golfing.
  >> The Norwegian's wife Lena steps up to the tee and as
  >> she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows
  >> her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good
  >> God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any panties?" Ole demanded. "Well,
  >
  >>you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The
  >>Norwegian immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake
  >>of decency, here's a 50 dollar bill. Go and buy yourself
  >> some underwear."
  >>
  >> Next, the Irishman's wife Margaret bends over to set
  >> her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show
  >> that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin
  >> Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She
  >> replies, "Paddy, dear, I can't afford any on the
  >> little bit of money you give me." Patrick reaches into
  >> his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, and
  >> here's a 20 dollar bill. Go and buy yourself some
  >> underwear!"
  >>
  >> Lastly, the Scotsman's wife Aggie bends over. The wind
  >> also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she,
  >> too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus,
  >> Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too
  >> explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able
  >> ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket
  >> and says, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a
  >> comb. Go and tidy yerself up a bit."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • BWHAHAHAAA. Funny!!! (NT) -- Alissa, 06:18:47 10/27/06 Fri

  ---

• This is a bit off-colored but cute inside first response -- LadyDuBois, 05:53:04 10/24/06 Tue
  [Edit]
  
  Replies:
  • In here -- LadyDuBois, 05:53:48 10/24/06 Tue
  • Brought a smile to my face! (NT) -- Sheila, 05:17:45 10/26/06 Thu

  ---

• A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now." -- Mac, 12:27:43 10/24/06 Tue
  [Edit]
  

  ---

• I know you have probably all heard this one a million times, but in the spirit of the season - -- annieo, 09:36:46 10/24/06 Tue
  
  
  A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
  
  She asks him why he is staring.
  
  He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"
  
  She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
  
  "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
  
  She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
  #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
  
  The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
  
  "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
  
  The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
  
  "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
  
  "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must tell you, I'm married and I'm not Catholic."
  
  The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Stock Market Report -- kgp, 14:44:14 10/17/06 Tue
  .
  Helium was up, feathers were down.
  Paper was stationary.
  Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
  Knives were up sharply.
  Cows steered into a bull market.
  Pencils lost a few points.
  Hiking equipment was trailing.
  Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
  Weights were up in heavy trading.
  Light switches were off.
  Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
  Diapers remained unchanged.
  Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
  The market for raisins dried up.
  Coca Cola fizzled.
  Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
  Sun peaked at midday.
  Balloon prices were inflated.
  Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
  And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Thanks for posting this one! I printed it off and shared it with my corporations class. We just did the unit on the stock market last week. They got a kick out of it. (NT) -- LadyBelle, 07:38:10 10/24/06 Tue

  ---

• WHERE WOULD YOU BE ? -- Alissa, 05:45:11 10/18/06 Wed
  WHERE WOULD YOU BE:
  
  IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?
  
  IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?
  
  IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU?
  
  IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?
  
  IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?
  
  IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU,
  
  WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?
  
  
  SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
  
  
  
  HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG HOUSE!
  
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Well you wouldn't be in mine that's for sure *g* (NT) -- Sheila, 05:13:41 10/24/06 Tue

  ---

• True Story - my DS1 -- CindyS, 12:32:59 10/18/06 Wed
  Nicholas, age 9, was lying in his recovery bed getting his bearings. "Hi there" said the nurse. "Your throat may be a little soar but you may have some juice or a popscicle if you like. What will it be?" Nick looked directly at the nurse and said "a shot of whisky please." Need I say more.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • That is funny - I'd loved to have seen the look on the nurse's face! (NT) -- MaryJ, 15:05:02 10/19/06 Thu
  • Out of the mouths of babes! I love his sense of humor. Is he a Jamie in the making? (NT) -- RosemaryQ, 15:17:09 10/19/06 Thu

  ---

• Helpful Home Remedies -- Madelyn, 12:08:00 10/17/06 Tue
  AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
  
  1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
  
  2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
  
  3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
  
  4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
  
  5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a three minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
  
  6. Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the headache.
  
  Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
  
  Remember:
  Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  
  Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
  
  If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
  
  And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Scottish Wedding -- FloraMac, 18:08:20 10/16/06 Mon
  Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.
  
  "Ach, it's all going magic, " says Jock. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...
  
  Archie nods approvingly.
  
  "Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.
  
  "A kilt?" exclaims Archie,
  
  "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that! "And what's the tartan?"
  
  Archie then enquires. "Och, " says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• A Scottish joke (with translation) -- New Scotty (Alba Gu Brąth!), 13:01:56 10/08/06 Sun
  A noted Minister invited to preach at a country kirk (church) was asked by the beadle "Hae ye skrievit yir sermon?" ("Have you written your sermon?") When the reverend gentleman replied that he had, the beadle exclaimed -
  "A'm fell gled, because whan you fowk cum wi a paper, we ken ye'll stap whan it staps, bit whan ye hae nae paper, the Guid Lord hislane disnae ken whan ye're likelie fir ti feenish." ("I am very glad, because when you folk come with a paper, we know you will stop when it stops, but when you have no paper, the Good Lord himself doesn't know when you are likely to finish."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Hi Scotty, Good to see you on this board. I loved this joke. Amazingly, I could read/understand the words once you translated them. LOL One question - what's a beadle? Hope all is well. Lallyhugs! (NT) -- CathyS, 07:51:26 10/10/06 Tue
    • Hi Cathy! A beadle is "an officer of the church", who assists in the procedures of the service. For example, they pass the plates during the collection of the offerings. In the area of Scotland where I grew up, they are usually called "Elders" (NT) -- New Scotty (Alba Gu Brąth!), 09:20:17 10/10/06 Tue
  • Ain't that the truth!! We had a preacher like that in our church when i was growing up. He NEVER brought a paper!! (NT) -- annieo, 19:55:17 10/12/06 Thu

  ---

• Son's letter to his dad -- Madelyn, 13:29:44 10/06/06 Fri
  A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad". With the worst promonition, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
  
  Dear Dad,
  It is with great regret and sorrow that I am writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Lori and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad . . . she's pregnant. Lori said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Lori has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Lori can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
  
  Love,
  Your son Daniel
  
  PS - Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
  
  I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home. Thank you.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • I think when children reach the age of 13 they should all be sent to live with their grandparents. Man, that letter would be spooky!! (NT) -- Emlee, 17:01:15 10/07/06 Sat
    • LOL, I spent a couple of weeks visiting my godmother when I turned thirteen. By the end of the trip, she was <i>verra</i> happy to give me back to my mother!! (NT) -- Lady Stormwing, 06:53:42 10/08/06 Sun
  • Oh, I WISH I had thought to write that when I was a kid! So funny. Sometimes parents DO need a little fresh perspective. (NT) -- Nifty, 13:47:20 10/10/06 Tue

  ---

• Are you in need of inner peace? -- Lady Naiad, 14:34:20 09/27/06 Wed
  I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • ???? I have no idea why that didn -- Lady Naiad, 14:36:59 09/27/06 Wed
    • I give up! (NT) -- Lady Naiad, 14:37:39 09/27/06 Wed
  • ROLF, this is hilarious. (NT) -- Helka, 10:06:40 09/28/06 Thu
  • Is this the one that tells you to finish all the things you have started around the house, and ends with I finished half a bottle of Scotch, three bottles of wine etc and now I feel very peaceful indeed! (NT) -- Sheila, 17:22:48 09/28/06 Thu
    • Yes!, thank you, Sheila (NT) -- Lady Naiad, 12:21:34 10/10/06 Tue
  • OMG, so funny! (NT) -- AngieC, 08:25:34 09/29/06 Fri

  ---

• Art Expert -- Green Dragon, 13:39:47 10/06/06 Fri
  At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
  The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench.
  Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.
  The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
  He went on for over half an hour, explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact" he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
  After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
  "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
  "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
  "In fact, there are no black men depicted at all.
  They're just three Irish coal miners.
  The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Gosh! Yuk! .. but still funny! (NT) -- Margit, 09:00:26 10/07/06 Sat
  • OHH man that was funny. It makes me wonder though, do the Irish mine coal naked? (NT) -- Emlee, 17:03:10 10/07/06 Sat
    • That`s what I was wondering, too *g* - So funny. (NT) -- MelanieK, 01:38:49 10/10/06 Tue
    • Don't anyone tell me if they do, cause I don't think I want to know! (NT) -- Whiskey Eyes, 09:48:27 10/10/06 Tue

  ---

• Another "things you learn in Alabama" -- Lil' Bit (sleepy), 23:16:03 10/04/06 Wed
  Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
  
  There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Alabama.
  
  There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Alabama, plus a couple no one's seen before.
  
  If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
  
  Onced and Twiced are words.
  
  It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
  
  And let us never forget, it's not a garden hose or simply hose, it's a"hosepipe" (one word).
  
  Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
  
  People actually grow and eat okra. (and like it!)
  
  Momanem means the whole family. ("Are momanem comin?")
  
  There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There's only dinner and then there's supper.
  
  Backards and foreards means I know everything about you.
  
  Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat yet?"
  
  
  You know you're from Alabama if:
  
  1. You measure distance in minutes.
  
  2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
  
  3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
  
  4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it,no matter what time of the year.
  
  5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
  
  6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,grain, insect or animal.
  
  7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
  
  8. You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.
  
  9. You know what "cow tipping" is
  
  10. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, chili powder, and catsup. No genuine Alabamian ever called it "Catsup". Down here it's "Ketchup" and let's not forget pepper sauce for the turnip greens!
  
  11. The local papers cover national and international news on one page but require 6 pages..for sports.
  
  12. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
  
  13. You find 90 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."
  
  14. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer,and Christmas.
  
  15. You know whether another Alabamian is from east, west, or middle Alabama as soon as they open their mouth.
  
  16. Visiting Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as "going to wal-marts."
  
  17. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.
  
  18. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop... it's a Coke,regardless of brand or flavor.
  Example "What kinna coke you want?"
  
  19. Fried Catfish is the other white meat.
  
  20. You understand these jokes and send them to your friends from Alabama...and elsewhere around the country.
  
  
  
  I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • I have lived in Alabama my entire life. And I have to say this was pretty much right on the nose. And, no, I wasn't at all offended. ;-) (NT) -- nimbus, 16:13:24 10/05/06 Thu
  • Too funny, this also sounds quite a lot like Texas!! (NT) -- Emlee, 17:43:30 10/05/06 Thu
  • this is purty much the south in gen'ral, y'all. But being as I'm from Texas, I can 'specailly testify to all of it! Funny thing- My son calls all cokes PepperCokes, cuase I drink Dr Pepper, but we of course call it all coke, but you gotta specify to the waitress once in a while. (NT) -- AmandaB (Howdy y'all), 20:30:45 10/06/06 Fri
  • I'm from Louisiana and most of these apply to us too! Love me some bama though! (NT) -- Reid, 08:31:35 10/07/06 Sat
  • I'm a transplanted Texan. I was born and raised in Montana where "carbonated beverages" are pops. I STILL get flack from waiters! (NT) -- Emlee, 16:59:14 10/07/06 Sat

  ---

• Suin Everyone -- Marilyn, 10:54:31 10/05/06 Thu
  Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked,
  "Is it true they're suin' them cigarette companies fer
  Causin people to git cancer?"
  
  "Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
  
  "And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
  
  "Sure is, Bubba."
  
  "And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot Coffee that she ordered?"
  
  "Yep."
  
  "And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"
  
  "That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"
  
  "Well, I was thinkin' . . . What I want to know is,
  
  Kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• For Sale -- Marilyn, 13:42:18 10/03/06 Tue
  2006 Suzuki 1000.
  
  This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its
  500 mile dealer service. (Expensive)
  It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground.
  I use it as a cruiser/commuter.
  I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife.
  Apparently "do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call me, Steve. (555)555-5555
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Love it! (NT) -- Pat, 04:23:58 10/04/06 Wed
  • ROFLMAO! (NT) -- Leigh, 04:52:50 10/04/06 Wed

  ---

• Funny Bumper Stickers -- Traci_Mc, 13:22:14 10/02/06 Mon
  The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
  I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
  As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
  I'm just working here until a good fast food job opens up....
  I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck
  How do I set the laser printer to stun?
  Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
  Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
  I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?
  A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
  Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
  "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
  Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
  All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
  Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
  

  Last edited by author: Mon October 02, 2006 13:29:05   Edited 1 time.
  [Edit]
  

  ---

• The Stuff Kids Come up With -- Cindy G, 08:51:28 10/02/06 Mon
  The stuff that kids come up with!
  
  1) NUDITY
  I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
  
  2) OPINIONS
  On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
  
  3) KETCHUP
  A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
  
  4) MORE NUDITY
  A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
  
  5) POLICE # 1
  While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me,"would you please tie my shoe?"
  
  6) POLICE # 2
  It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
  
  7) ELDERLY
  While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
  
  8) DRESS-UP
  A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "
  
  9) DEATH
  While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."
  
  10) SCHOOL
  A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
  
  11) BIBLE
  A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Southern Woman -- Whiskey Eyes, 17:51:20 09/28/06 Thu
  Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap
  table. A very attractive blonde woman from Tennessee
  arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars
  ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
  
  She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
  luckier when I play topless."
  
  With that, she stripped to the waist, rolled the
  dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Southern Girl
  needs new clothes!"
  
  As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down
  and squealed......"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
  
  She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up
  her winnings........and her clothes, and quickly
  departed.
  
  The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.
  Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
  
  The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you
  were watching.."
  
  Moral:
  
  Not all Southerners are stupid.
  
  Not all blondes are dumb,
  
  But all men..... are men
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Ehehehehehehehehhhhh! :-D (NT) -- Chirre, 05:08:33 09/29/06 Fri
  • Ha!! (NT) -- Noelle, 09:03:08 09/30/06 Sat
  • aHA! good one! If this southern girl does say so herself... *G* (NT) -- BethanyLL., 10:25:34 10/01/06 Sun

  ---

• Thought a FWA joke would be appropriate... *G* -- BethanyLL., 10:24:08 10/01/06 Sun
  Women's Ass size study:
  
  There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty interesting:
  
  
  
  1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
  2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
  3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Explaining the planes would have been easier -- Sheila, 05:24:23 09/20/06 Wed
  A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.
  The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
  
  The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If
  dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
  
  The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The little boy admitted that she did.
  
  "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."!!!
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • nice, very nice. (NT) -- Juju, 09:07:07 09/26/06 Tue
  • Hah! (NT) -- Chirre, 05:12:57 09/29/06 Fri

  ---

• Are you missing a 710? -- Traci_Mc, 15:20:13 09/26/06 Tue
  Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer. A blonde
  woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. They all looked at
  each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
  She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine.
  I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
  The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her
  to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the
  middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had
  the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and
  said, "Of course, it's right there."
  
  Click HERE to learn the identity of the mysterious 710:
  

  Last edited by author: Tue September 26, 2006 15:25:04   Edited 1 time.
  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • I clicked , I laughed! (NT) -- Sheila, 16:16:13 09/27/06 Wed
  • HA!! (NT) -- Noelle, 02:08:55 09/28/06 Thu
  • *giggle!* (NT) -- Chirre, 05:10:33 09/29/06 Fri

  ---

• TWENTY DOLLARS -- CindyS, 18:05:13 09/18/06 Mon
  On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
  
  This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for morethan 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
  
  Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to findher husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning,! and therefore, they were financially ruined.
  
  Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
  
  She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
  
  That's when she shot him.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • they just keep getting better and better (NT) -- Juju, 09:11:31 09/26/06 Tue

  ---

• church organist -- devenhuis, 13:59:57 09/24/06 Sun
  There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she was playing the organ. Unfortunately, she (they?) distracted the congregation considerably.
  
  The very poroper church ladies were appalled. They said sonething had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
  
  One of the ladies approached the organist very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, then rub them on her breasts in hopes that they would shrink a bit. She also warned the organist not to eat any of the persimmons because they are so sour, they'll make your mouth pucker and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. The organist agreed to try it.
  
  The following Sunday, the minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthes bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday."
  

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  Replies:

  • *groan* (NT) -- Stephsicola, 06:12:37 09/26/06 Tue

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• Never give up your wine... -- Tam, 18:45:13 09/24/06 Sun
  A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
  
  The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
  
  "No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.
  
  "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.
  "No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
  
  "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
  
  "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. " I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
  "Well, " said the woman, " I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.
  
  The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that?" I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.
  
  The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like
  after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.
  

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  Replies:

  • OMG, I have to tell the DH this one. GREAT! (NT) -- MelanieK, 04:44:11 09/25/06 Mon

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• The Rules by Men -- ValerieF, 04:13:55 09/18/06 Mon
  The Rules by Men
  
  1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to
  change that. Dont ever wear a low cut top and then shout at us for staring .. clearly you wanted us to stare.
  
  2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
  
  3. Crying is blackmail.
  
  4. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
  
  5. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
  question.
  
  6. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
  
  8. A headache that lasts for 12 months is a problem. See a doctor.
  
  9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in a argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
  
  10. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
  
  11. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
  
  12. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
  
  13. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during adverts.
  
  14. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
  
  15. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
  
  16. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
  
  17. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
  nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
  
  18. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
  answer y ou don't want to hear.
  
  19. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
  
  20. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Beer, Cars or Motorbikes.
  
  21. You have enough clothes.
  
  22. You have too many shoes.
  
  23. Thank you for reading this; Yep, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
  
  Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
  
  Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!!
  

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• Brain -- ValerieF, 04:11:32 09/18/06 Mon
  The relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member
  lay gravely ill.
   
    Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
   
    "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the
  worried faces.
   
    "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
  transplant.
   
    It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
   
   
    Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the
  brain yourselves.."
   
    The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
  length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
   
    The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a
  female brain."
   
    The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
  avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
   
    A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question
  everyone wanted to ask,
   
    "Why is the male brain so much more?"
   
    The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the
  entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark
  down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been
  used."
  

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• Who wants to be a millionaire -- Lady Elizabeth, 20:07:05 09/16/06 Sat
  
  A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.
  
  And as she suspected, the million-dollar question was no pushover.
  
  Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
  
  A. The condor
  B. The buzzard
  C. The cuckoo
  D. The vulture
  
  The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. To make matters worse, she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline.
  
  All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it, mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
  
  But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
  
  The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
  
  The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. Considering that her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
  
  "I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
  
  "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
  
  "Yes, that is my final answer."
  
  Two minutes later, Reg! is said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is... Absolute ly correct. You are now a millionaire!"
  
  Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
  
  "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because you knew the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your
  Choice. By the way... How did you happen to know the right answer?"
  
  "Oh, come on," said the blonde "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • The English version has David Beckham as the phone a friend. (NT) -- ValerieF, 04:05:54 09/18/06 Mon

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• Statues -- Kel, 15:52:18 09/15/06 Fri
  There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude Woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
  The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
  He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
  After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.... The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?
  He asks her. "Shall we?"
  She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.
  
  This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on his head."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Sick!!! I loved it! (NT) -- LissC, 17:03:30 09/16/06 Sat

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• Blonde Guy Joke -- Florence, 10:08:00 09/16/06 Sat
  The first ever, and well worth the wait!
  
  
  An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
  
  They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm! going to jump off this building."
  
  The Mexican opened his lunchbox and exclaimed "Burritos Again! The next time I get a burrito for lunch I will jump off this building also!"
  
  The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
  
  The next day, the Irish man opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
  
  The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
  
  The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
  
  At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I had known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
  
  The Mexican's wife, through her tears, said "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
  
  
  Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
  
  
  The blonde's wife said,
  
  
  "Don't look at me. He always made his own lunch."
  
  
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• Mrs. Finkel -- annieo, 05:46:59 08/28/06 Mon
  A woman called a local hospital- "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse." The voice on the other end said "What is the patients name and room number?"
  
  "Sarah Finkel, Room 302." "I'll connect you to the nursing station". "Third floor nursing station. How can I help you?" "I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302." "Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs.Finkel is very well. In fact she had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine. She is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours, and if she continues this improvement, Dr Cohen is going to send her home on Tuesday." The woman said " What a relief' Oh, that's fantastic. That's wonderful news". The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it, you are a close family member, or are you a very close friend?" "Neither. I'm Sarah Finkel in Room 302. Nobody tells me shit"............
  

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  Replies:

  • HAHAHAHAHA! You have no idea how appropriate this is for me today! I work for the county hospital and a patient came in to physical therapy complaining that during his recent hospital stay, no one would explain anything that was going on. Gave this to my boss! HAHAHA! (NT) -- Maradith, 13:38:43 08/29/06 Tue
  • ROFLMAO!!!!! (NT) -- Leigh, 19:40:08 09/15/06 Fri

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