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• UCLA study -- Page, 13:13:59 11/21/07 Wed
  UCLA Study
  
  A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
  
  For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with a scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.
  
  Further studies pending...
  

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  • Hey! And they told me the results of those tests were kept secret! LOL I have to share this one. (NT) -- LadyGrace, 10:22:06 11/23/07 Fri

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• A Thanksgiving Poem!! -- TanyaB, 10:18:27 11/21/07 Wed
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  • In here>>> -- TanyaB, 10:18:54 11/21/07 Wed

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• Judie will like this one! Apple Announcement! -- Lolkate, 18:09:49 10/22/07 Mon
  
  
  Apple Announcement
  
  Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iTit™ will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.
  
  This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
  

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  • hahahahahahaha :D (NT) -- Judie, 20:51:53 11/19/07 Mon

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• Who's the Boss? -- Margit, 06:05:15 11/18/07 Sun
  A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
  
  As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."
  
  She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
  "I can't wear your trousers." she said.
  
  "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
  
  With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
  
  He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"
  
  She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."
  

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  • This is one of my ALL TIME favorite jokes!!! LMAO!! (NT) -- Ebitch, 11:58:41 11/19/07 Mon

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• Littlo old lady... -- SueKy, 12:24:59 11/15/07 Thu
  A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
  There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
  Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 billsfalling out of that bag..."
  
  "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
  
  "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" "Did you steal it?"
  
  "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up tothe parking lot of the football stadium.
  Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
  
  "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie
  through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
  
  "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,what's in the other bag?"
  
  "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....
  

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• The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican -- Kyrie, 17:07:11 11/12/07 Mon
  The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven dwarfs" They get ushered in to see the Pope.
  
  Dopey leads the pack.
  
  Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
  
  Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
  
  The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
  
  In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.
  
  Dopey turns around and gives t hem a glare, silencing them.
  
  Dopey turns back to face the Pope. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
  
  The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."
  
  This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
  
  Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.
  
  Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"
  
  The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
  
  The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:
  
  "Dopey screwed a penguin!"
  "Dopey screwed a penguin!"
  

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• blonde again -- Lady Elizabeth, 13:09:34 11/12/07 Mon
  > A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
  > It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde
  > jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.
  >
  > The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog
  > is still barking, what have you been doing?"
  >
  > The blonde says "I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it"
  

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• Pregnancy - Questions and Answers -- Margit, 04:56:20 11/11/07 Sun
  Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
  A: No, 35 children is enough.
  
  Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
  A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
  
  Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
  A: Childbirth.
  
  Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
  A: So what's your question?
  
  Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
  A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
  
  Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
  A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
  
  Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
  A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
  
  Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
  A: Yes, pregnancy.
  
  Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
  A: When the kids are in college.
  

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• Holiday Tips for Eating -- devenhuis, 08:07:25 11/09/07 Fri
  1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
  
  2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
  
  3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
  
  4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
  
  5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
  
  6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
  
  7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
  
  8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
  
  9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
  
  10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
  
  
  
  Remember this motto to live by:
  
  Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, margarita in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO what a ride!
  

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• Retirement: A typical day -- CindyS, 14:41:03 11/08/07 Thu
  Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
  
  I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
  
  I called him a turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
  
  So I called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. He must have written at least a dozen tickets.
  
  The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
  
  Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.
  
  I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
  It's important at my age.
  

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• Deer meat -- SueKy, 10:52:16 11/08/07 Thu
  A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
  
  Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so begged their dad for the clue.
  
  Well' he said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes'.
  
  The little girl screams 'Don't eat it, Don't eat it,
  
  it's an ass hole!
  

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• yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too -- keitaya, 19:08:49 11/02/07 Fri
  yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
  Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
  i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it
  

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  • oh wow! I can read that! LOL I must be wired wrong... (NT) -- Mac!, 05:04:04 11/03/07 Sat
  • At first I thought - ok a new form of Scottish. Then I read on and wow - shocked that I could. Will have to see if DH can? (NT) -- CindyS, 21:42:57 11/03/07 Sat
  • I've seen this before and it just fascinates me. Why do we spend so much time learning to spell? (NT) -- TanyaB, 14:32:16 11/04/07 Sun
    • Hey, my DH (who is very math-oriented and can't spell to save his life) would probably think there's nothing wrong with this!! :-D (NT) -- ScarlettO, 12:25:09 11/05/07 Mon
  • If you are up to some heavy duty reading try "Proust and the Squid". It is a book about the "reading brain": how did humankind learn to read, how does each child learn to read and what happens when there are problems with learning to read. It is a fascinating book but definitely not fiction!!! (NT) -- Lady Z, 12:42:25 11/06/07 Tue

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• Friendly neighbor -- Page, 17:21:05 10/31/07 Wed
  Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Arkansas as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
  
  
  After six months or so of almost total isolation, there's a knock on his door. He opens it and this burly, bearded man is standing there.
  
  "Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
  
  
  "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
  
  As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...Be some drinking'."
  
  "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em"
  
  
  Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too."
  
  "Well, I get along with most people…I'll be all right. I'll be there...Thanks again."
  
  
  "More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
  
  "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for the last six months!
  
  I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
  
  
  "Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
  

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  • Eeeewwwww... (NT) -- Brookita, 23:09:11 10/31/07 Wed
  • Yuuuuck (NT) -- TanyaB, 14:29:46 11/04/07 Sun

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• You know ye're Scottish when... -- Lolkate, 04:44:24 10/30/07 Tue
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  • Ye know ye're Scottish when.... -- Lolkate, 04:46:05 10/30/07 Tue
    • LOL!! I'm only a wee part Scots but I got most of it and I am going ot send it on. (NT) -- kgp, 18:42:45 10/30/07 Tue
    • 14. is interesting...I've just moved to Scotland and my local fish and chip shop sells everything, it's amazing! And normal, according to this! (NT) -- Deb H, 08:32:42 11/04/07 Sun

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• Granny in Court -- SueK, 10:50:25 10/31/07 Wed
  
  
  Lawyers should never ask a southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a small southern town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.
  
  He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" she responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
  I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
  You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
  
  The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
  
  She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
  
  The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
  

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  • Exactly! This is why you never ask a question you don't know the answer to. I love lawyer jokes as a lawyer. (NT) -- LadyBelle, 11:45:43 11/01/07 Thu

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• Nutritional advice - forgive me if you've see it before. Too good not to share. -- Tooki, 19:27:44 10/30/07 Tue
  Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
  
  A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
  
  -----------------------------------------------------------
  
  Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
  
  A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
  
  ---------------------------------------------------------Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
  
  A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
  
  ----------------------------------------------------------
  
  Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
  
  A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
  
  ----------------------------------------------------------
  
  Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
  
  A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
  
  ----------------------------------------------------------
  
  Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
  
  A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
  
  ----------------------------------------------------------
  
  Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
  
  A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
  
  ----------------------------------------------------------
  
  Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
  A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
  
  ----------------------------------------------------------
  
  Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
  
  A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
  
  ----------------------------------------------------------
  
  Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
  
  AND......
  
  For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
  
  1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  
  2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  
  3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  
  4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  
  5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  
  CONCLUSION
  
  Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you
  

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• Thanks for all the e-mails -- SueKy, 11:05:16 10/29/07 Mon
  Hi, I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat
  poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with
  every
  envelope that needs sealing.
  
  Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the
  same reason.
  
  I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
  (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
  
  I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
  receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
  participating in their special e-mail program.
  
  I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
  looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
  
  I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
  mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
  
  I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
  like a water buffalo on a hot day.
  
  Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
  forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes
  .
  
  Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it
  can remove toilet stains.
  
  I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch
  the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping
  gas.
  
  I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
  these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
  
  I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
  cancer
  
  And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave
  anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
  
  I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could
  be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
  
  I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
  perfume sample and rob me
  
  I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
  Qaeda in disguise.
  
  I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't
  support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
  
  I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial
  a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,Uganda,
  Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
  
  I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
  free replacement pair from Nike.
  
  I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
  have their recipe.
  
  Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
  big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
  death when it bites my butt.
  
  Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can
  live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
  
  And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I
  dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
  molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
  
  Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because
  I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
  
  If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
  next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
  5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
  causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
  happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second
  husband's cousin's beautician...
  

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• A wise child knows.... -- Margit, 08:35:06 10/28/07 Sun
  Happened in math lesson
  
  The teacher asked Bob:
  ”If you have ten dollars in your hand and then you would ask ten dollars more from your father, how much money would you have totally?”
  “Ten box.” answered Bob.
  “You do not know anything from the mathematics, I dare say.”
  “Perhaps not, but I know my daddy.”
  

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• Leather -- Pat, 04:15:34 10/28/07 Sun
  Why are men so turned on when women wear leather clothes?
  
  Well, it's the smell - you know, the smell of the leather seats in a new car...
  

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• Potatos and shorts -- RosemaryQ, 21:15:57 10/27/07 Sat
  There was a average guy on the beach who attracted all the women.
  A shy young man came along and watched him day to day get all the women.
  One day he gained the courage to approach the man and ask him his secret to getting all the attention of the women on the beach.
  He told the shy young man to come to the beach the next day with a potato in his shorts and all the women would certainly swoon over him.
  The next day the young man showed up at the beach with the potato in his shorts and the woman laughed at him.
  He saw the man surrounded by all the women and approached him to ask why it hadn't worked for him.
  The man took him aside and said, "You're supposed to put the potato in the front, not the back of your shorts!"
  

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  • Potatoes...not potatos! Sheesh! I can't spell. (NT) -- RosemaryQ, 21:17:02 10/27/07 Sat

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• Picked this up from archives - 2 years back. -- Wilhelmiina, 00:47:19 10/23/07 Tue
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  • In here, please>> -- Wilhelmiina, 00:49:11 10/23/07 Tue
  • ROFLMFWAO!!!!!!!!!! That one deserved to be repeated! (NT) -- LissC, 11:33:34 10/27/07 Sat

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• No offense intended.....but funny!! -- annieo, 06:57:57 10/26/07 Fri
  GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
  
  Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half
  discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with
  fertile soil.
  
  Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well
  developed and open to trade, especially for someone
  with cash.
  
  Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India , very hot,
  relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
  
  Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently
  aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
  
  Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain ,
  with a glorious and all conquering past.
  
  Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost
  some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past
  mistakes, still very strong and proud.
  
  Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very wide
  and bor ders are now largely un-patrolled.
  
  After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Off the beaten path,
  with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the
  ages...still desirable but only those with an
  adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual
  knowledge and true love dare visit there.
  
  GEOGR APHY OF A MAN
  
  Between 1 and 78, a man is like Iran, ruled by a
  dick
  

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• A Fairy Tale - got this from my dear friend -- Wilhelmiina, 22:52:02 10/24/07 Wed
  A Fairy Tale
  
  One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who, surprisingly, did not whine, nag, and bitch........
  
  But this was a long, long time ago.....
  
  and it was just ONE day.
  
  The End
  

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• The Scotsman! >>> -- Lolkate, 18:00:09 10/22/07 Mon
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  Replies:
  • The Scotsman! >>> -- Lolkate, 18:01:06 10/22/07 Mon

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• Olide but goldie -- Margit, 03:57:28 10/21/07 Sun
  
  A Big Mistake (I presume this refers to Sisters, as well)
  
  In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to dedicate his life and to join the others copying ancient records. The first thing he noticed was that they were copying by hand, books that had already been copied by hand.
  
  He had to speak up. "Forgive me, Father Justinian, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't copying someone else's mistakes? Are they ever checked against the originals?"
  
  Father Justinian was startled! No one had ever suggested that before. "Well, that is a good point, my son. I will take one of these latest books down to the vault and study it against its original document."
  
  He went deep into the vault where no one else was allowed to enter, and started to study. The day passed, and it was getting late in the evening.
  
  The monks were getting worried about Father Justinian. Finally one monk started making his way through the old vault, and as he began to think he might get lost, he heard sobbing. "Father Justinian?" He called.
  
  The sobbing was louder as he came near. He finally found the old priest sitting at a table with both the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him. It was obvious that Father Justinian had been crying for a long time.
  
  "Oh, my Lord," sobbed Father Justinian, "the word is 'celebrate'!!"
  

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• A groaner. :-) -- MelvaT, 15:33:33 10/19/07 Fri
  A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.
  
  Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.
  
  The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.
  
  She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."
  

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• Dusty Underwear -- SueKy, 12:25:18 09/21/07 Fri
  One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"
  
  His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn'tlet such a comment go unrewarded.
  
  The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out ofhis drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as alittle "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
  
  "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
  
  She replied with a snicker...
  "It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'."
  

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  • OMG, that's a good one!!!!!!! I had to wipe off the monitor! (NT) -- LissC, 14:14:37 10/19/07 Fri

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• A bit off color, but really funny! -- Whiskey Eyes, 05:24:40 10/04/07 Thu
  In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
  
  For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
  Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
  
  The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
  
  After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
  
  Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
  
  Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
  
  It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
  
  Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
  
  Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
  
  
  MOUNT & DO.
  

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  • This one actually had LOL! (NT) -- LissC, 14:05:48 10/19/07 Fri

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• Cute story >>>> -- LadyGrace, 11:22:57 10/18/07 Thu
  The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
  
  One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
  
  They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
  
  They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
  
  The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
  
  "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
  
  The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
  
  "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
  
  "This is Heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free every day."
  
  Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, and free flowing beverages.
  
  "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
  
  The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
  
  "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
  
  "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
  
  The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
  
  "Not unless you want to," was the answer.
  
  "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
  
  "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
  
  The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!
  

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• His and Her Diaries -- FloraMac, 08:19:21 10/16/07 Tue
  HER DIARY
  
  Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
  
  Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply gave a half smile and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you too."
  
  When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.
  
  I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
  
  
  
  HIS DIARY
  
  Today the Red Sox lost, but at least I got laid.
  

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  Replies:

  • Ha!! So, so, (sadly) true.... (NT) -- ScarlettO, 09:22:10 10/16/07 Tue
  • I THOUGHTmy diary had been moved! (NT) -- kgp, 15:24:28 10/16/07 Tue

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• You know you've been in Finland too long when... -- Helka, 06:37:24 10/11/07 Thu
  Some poor foreigner has spent way too much time here. One example:
  1.
  You rummage through your plastic bag collection to see which ones you should keep to take to
  the store and which can be sacrificed to garbage.
  
  = This is 100% true, I've got a stock of "good" plastick bags and I never put any garpage in them. The rest is inside>>>
  

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  Replies:

  • In here, please come in >>> -- Helka, 06:41:51 10/11/07 Thu
    • SOooooo True! (thanks for good laughs) (NT) -- Margit, 10:44:08 10/11/07 Thu
    • I would love to be in a land where there is pea soup every Thursday! But I don't "get" number 6.... (NT) -- Susannah, 05:25:11 10/12/07 Fri
    • Hmm. What is so funny? *lol* Hey, I´ve got yet another degree for plastic bags: "suitable to take things in to female friends". These would include all the flashy Marimekko ones if I got some. (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 09:19:15 10/12/07 Fri
    • Heheheheheheh! ROTFL! Aaaah... we must seem verra strange to other people! I tried making Marcie and M&M eat salmiakki in Scotland last year.. wasna a verra big hit! LOL (NT) -- Chirre, 02:03:25 10/16/07 Tue

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• Scottish romance -- NewScotty (Alba Gu Bràth!!!), 13:47:06 10/08/07 Mon
  A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said,
  
  "A penny for your thoughts, Frank. "Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again.
  
  "Another penny for your thoughts, Frank." "Well, uh I was thinkin'... perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said,
  
  "Another penny for your thoughts, Frank." "Well, uh I was thinkin'... perhaps its aboot time you let me pit ma hand on yer leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.
  
  "Another penny for your thoughts, Frank." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "My thoughts are a wee bit mair serious this time." "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
  
  And he said, "Dae ye no think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
  

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• Best comeback line ever... -- SueKy, 13:02:23 10/02/07 Tue
  On Monday, at the Gwinnett County courthouse, Patrick Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.
  
  The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a telephone interview.
  
  Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
  
  In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
  
  "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.
  
  "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin." Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
  
  "I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"
  
  He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said.....
  
  "A pumpkin?..... is it midnight already??"
  

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  Replies:

  • hahaha (NT) -- Margy, 09:26:35 10/07/07 Sun

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• >> Quick, Check for Alzheimer's here -- Keitaya, 01:41:46 10/05/07 Fri
  >> Quick Check for Alzheimer's
  >>
  >> The following was developed as a mental age assessment by
  >>the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and
  >>see
  >> if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The
  >>average person
  >> over 40 years of age cannot do it!
  >>
  >> 1. This is this cat.
  >> 2. This is is cat.
  >> 3. This is how cat.
  >> 4. This is to cat.
  >> 5. This is keep cat.
  >> 6. This is an cat.
  >> 7. This is old cat.
  >> 8. This is fart cat.
  >> 9. This is busy cat
  >> 10. This is for cat.
  >> 11. This is forty cat.
  >> 12. This is seconds cat.
  >>
  >>
  >>
  >> Now go back and read the third word in each line from the
  >>top down and
  >> I betcha' you cannot resist passing it on.
  

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  • This would be funnier if it wasn't so sadly true. I had my MIL read to my DGD the other day - MIL = 82 years old with memory issue DGD = 3 years old and cheeky. MIL kept forgetting that SHE was the one reading, or, she'd look at DGD expecting the three year old to read herself! *sigh* The business of aging is NOT for the weak! (NT) -- Hedy, 07:14:52 10/05/07 Fri
  • Very funny! I'm ending it to my older Dsis! (NT) -- kgp, 12:56:50 10/05/07 Fri
  • LOL! (NT) -- Margy, 09:21:33 10/07/07 Sun

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• This is a bumper sticker. That I have on my fridge. -- AmandaB, 15:02:50 10/03/07 Wed
  I childproofed my house
  BUT THEY STILL GET IN!
  

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  Replies:

  • I need one of these! (NT) -- AmandaW, 20:16:10 10/03/07 Wed
  • after a bad day with the kids i can relate all too well...lol (NT) -- kritaya, 21:12:02 10/03/07 Wed
  • Oh YES! *lol* (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 00:12:40 10/04/07 Thu
  • Think I'd lose business with one of these? (NT) -- TanyaB, 07:07:28 10/04/07 Thu

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• little old lady -- Lady Elizabeth, 04:24:32 10/04/07 Thu
  Nice little old lady.................
  
  
  All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!
  
  Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
  
  80% held up their hands.
  
  The Minister then repeated his question.
  
  All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
  
  "Mrs. Jones?"; "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
  
  I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
  
  "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
  
  "Ninety-eight.." she replied.
  
  "Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
  
  The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
  congregation, and said:
  
  
  
  "I outlived the bitches."
  

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• for Moms -- Lady Elizabeth, 11:26:30 09/29/07 Sat
  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OzZJO3ZRNCo hope i pasted this right or if someone could link in for me. I really enjoyed this
  

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  • LOL, very, very good!!! (NT) -- Keira, 12:18:45 09/29/07 Sat
  • That's great. All the time I listened I was making a list of who I want to send this to. (NT) -- Ruthlass, 23:27:47 10/02/07 Tue
  • I love it. I think I will blast this throughut my house at all times, and save my breath and read a book. lol (NT) -- LadyGrace, 11:17:03 10/03/07 Wed
  • This is so funny - the lady was on the CBS Early Morning Show & she said if she knew if would be this popular she would have sung better *G*! She also said she thought it would be available on itunes next week. (NT) -- MaryJ, 16:51:43 10/03/07 Wed

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• Funny beer commercial!! -- kgp, 04:35:10 10/03/07 Wed
  Very cute beer ad.
  
  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igSjxSajY00&NR=1
  

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• talking dog, take 2 -- devenhuis, 14:14:22 09/25/07 Tue
  A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimme a whiskey."
  The bartender ignores him.
  "Hey bartender, gimme a whiskey!"
  Still ignored.
  "HEY BARMAN!! GIMME A WHISKEY!!"
  The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
  Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots, jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
  
  "I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
  

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  Replies:

  • ??? (NT) -- va, 04:05:24 10/02/07 Tue

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• How to give a cat and a dog a pill -- SueKy, 06:23:59 09/27/07 Thu
  1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding ababy. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm
  and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
  4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
  6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and
  vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
  8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
  12 Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
  13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it.
  Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
  14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
  15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
  
  How To Give A Dog A Pill
  1. Wrap it in bacon.
  2. Toss it in the air.
  

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  Replies:

  • Oh, this is oh-so-true! Two months ago I had a kitten bite right through my fingernail while we were trying to give her a pill. The best way to give a cat a pill is take it to the vet and pay them to do it. It's worth the money and time spent, believe me. (NT) -- Page, 08:18:44 09/27/07 Thu
  • I should know better than to read this board while I'm at work!! It's almost like someone has watched our family dishing out pills to our pets - only we use cheese for the dogs. They'll eat anything (and I do mean anything!) - cats are much more discerning. (NT) -- ScarlettO, 10:42:11 09/27/07 Thu
  • I guess I've been lucky and so far the cats have been manageable with number 6 - didn't even need the ruler! The dog gets hers stuck into bread and peanut butter. (NT) -- kgp, 12:11:43 09/27/07 Thu
    • Well, #6 is the general position we assume to start - I just wish they didn't have those vicious long teeth in the front! (I'm not sure how you'd use the ruler, either.) (NT) -- ScarlettO, 13:48:42 09/27/07 Thu
  • I crush the pill put it with 2 drops of water on teaspon and pour it down their mouth. NP. (NT) -- Lady Elizabeth, 04:29:26 09/28/07 Fri
  • Thanks for a GREAT laugh SueKy!! (NT) -- Cathryn_L, 07:08:59 09/28/07 Fri

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• Why Parents Drink -- Ruthlass, 13:10:22 09/25/07 Tue
  A boss wondered one day why one of his absent and most
  valued employees had not phoned in. Having an urgent
  problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the
  employee's home phone number and was greeted with a
  child's whisper, "Hello?”
  
  "Is your daddy home?" he asked. “Yes," whispered the small voice.
  May I talk with him?" The child whispered, “No.”
  
  Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss
  asked, "Is your Mommy there?" “Yes.”
  "May I talk with her? Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
  
  Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a
  message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
  “Yes," whispered the child, “a policeman ".
  
  Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's
  home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
  " No, he's busy ", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?"
  “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came
  the whispered answer.
  
  Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the
  background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
  "What is that noise?"; “A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
  
  "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly
  apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search
  team just landed a helicopter.”
  
  Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they
  searching for?"
  
  Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "ME.”
  

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  Replies:

  • OMG that is hilarious sounds like something my niece would do hehe (NT) -- Carrie R, 18:23:56 09/25/07 Tue

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• Talking Dog... I couldn't resist sharing this -- Sorcha, 18:06:01 09/24/07 Mon
  A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale " He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
  "You talk?" he asks.
  "Yep," the lab replies.
  After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
  The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ..the United States Marines ..you know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs". In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
  I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
  The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
  "Ten dollars," the guy says.
  "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
  "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff. He was in the Air Force.
  

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  Replies:

  • SORCHA!!!! I love this! I'm sending it off to DBIL - retired AF Col. Wanna make a bet I hear back from him! Huggles, girl! Have fun with Tam this weekend. Wish I could join you. (NT) -- CathyS, 08:06:58 09/25/07 Tue

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• Crisp Munching Sesagull from Aberdeen -- kgp, 03:36:40 09/23/07 Sun
  Not only is this funny but it's from a Scottish tv station.
  
  
  Cheeky Seagull
  

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  Replies:

  • lol love it... i think i have seen its cousin in australia tho.. (NT) -- keitaya, 05:17:45 09/23/07 Sun
  • Happened also in Finland, unfortunatley no video available: a squirrel steals chocolate eggs from a grocery. See enclosed news-bit of Reuters: http://www.reuters.com/article/lifestyleMolt/idUSL0145707520070801 -- Margit, 11:25:29 09/23/07 Sun

  ---

• Can you stand another blonde joke? Just got this one from my (blonde) sister: -- DonnaS, 15:55:16 09/20/07 Thu
  A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
  
  'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'
  
  The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee.'
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• "Old" is when... -- kgp, 11:51:42 09/20/07 Thu
  ...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
  
  ...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're
  barefoot.
  
  ...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage
  door nearest your car.
  
  ...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
  
  ...going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
  
  ...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
  have to go along.
  
  ...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
  
  ...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the
  police.
  
  ..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
  
  ..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
  
  ... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Those are great! I think I'll send them to my 90 year old grandmother who's recovering in the hospital. I think she would love a good laugh. (NT) -- Whiskey Eyes, 13:28:31 09/20/07 Thu

  ---

• lifeline? -- devenhuis, 12:41:30 09/18/07 Tue
  My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed one night.
  I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
  "No," she answered.
  I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
  "Yes," she replied.
  Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."
  
  
  That's the last thing I remember.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• What's age got to do with it? -- Ruthlass, 21:08:14 08/30/07 Thu
  Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages, in Florida.
  They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they
  enjoyed each other's company.
  
  After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for
  dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening.
  They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
  
  Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink.
  Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude
  soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
  
  As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd
  shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts...
  Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."
  Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it,
  I'd have taken off my pantyhose."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • this one was great (NT) -- Lady Elizabeth, 05:05:25 09/01/07 Sat
  • HAHAHA! (NT) -- kgp, 05:09:13 09/03/07 Mon
  • *snort!!* Good one! (NT) -- Leigh, 04:07:17 09/18/07 Tue

  ---

• The Jamaican Fireman -- annieo, 04:18:43 09/12/07 Wed
  
  A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife "Ya know sumptin', womon, we have a wonderful new system at de Fire Station.
  
  Bell 1 rings, we put on we jackets.
  Bell 2 rings, we slide down de pole.
  Bell 3 rings, we jump on de engine and we's ready to go.
  
  So from now on womon, when I say 'Bell one', I want you to strip naked.
  When I say ' Bell two', you jump on de bed.
  When I say ' Bell three', we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl."
  
  The next night he came home and shouted:
  "Bell One!", and his wife stripped naked.
  "Bell Two!", and she jumped on the bed.
  "Bell Three!", and they started to make love.
  
  After a few minutes, the wife yelled out "Bell Four!".
  "WOMON... What da hell is 'Bell Four'?", he asked.
  
  She replied
  "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MON, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR DA FIRE!!!!"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • ROTFL!! (NT) -- Chirre, 07:16:56 09/17/07 Mon
  • BWAHAHAHAHAHA! (NT) -- Leigh, 04:05:21 09/18/07 Tue

  ---

• Lovers past and future. -- Florence, 14:19:08 09/17/07 Mon
  A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
  glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman Boarding the plane.
  
  He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
  
  Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or
  pleasure?"
  
  She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
  Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ".
  
  He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
  
  Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your role at the convention?".
  
  "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned
  from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths
  about sexuality."
  
  "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?".
  
  "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American
  men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the
  Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
  Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the
  Southern Redneck."
  
  Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
  
  "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• How to Treat a Woman -- SueKy, 06:47:38 09/10/07 Mon
  
  How to treat a woman:
  Wine her.
  Dine her.
  Call her.
  Hold her.
  Surprise her.
  Compliment her.
  Smile at her.
  Listen to her.
  Laugh with her.
  Cry with her.
  Romance her.
  Encourage her.
  Believe in her.
  Pray with her.
  Pray for her.
  Cuddle with her.
  Shop with her.
  Give her jewelry.
  Buy her flowers.
  Hold her hand.
  Write lov e letters to her.
  Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
  
  How To Treat a Man:
  
  Show up naked.
  Bring chicken wings.
  Don't block the TV
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • So sad, so true! (NT) -- he he he he, 17:32:23 09/11/07 Tue
  • I heard this with even lower maintenance for the blokes; show up naked, bring beer. (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 23:51:36 09/16/07 Sun

  ---

• The Birth -- LadyBelle, 06:48:03 09/13/07 Thu
  
  After the woman gave birth to a baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside.
  
  "I have something I must tell you about your baby..."
  
  "What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.
  
  "Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
  
  "What's that?"
  
  "It means your baby has both male and female parts."
  
  "Oh my God!" the woman exclaimed.
  
  "You mean he has a penis and a brain?"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Irish Bingo -- Lady Elizabeth, 16:32:33 09/09/07 Sun
  A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London.
  
  She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat. "Begorrah, Colleen, says her mother. Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?" Colleen replies, Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?
  
  When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring. Same exchange with Mom...same "Won it at bingo!"
  
  Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up. When Colleen gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colle en, a wee bit peeved at her Mom, for being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs,"Mom"! sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!" NOw shore an ye be right me darlin, but now we don't want ya gettin your bingo card wet, do we?
  
  Ya can never fool Mama
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Got to love that fairy! -- CindyS, 13:16:50 09/05/07 Wed
  A man and his wife, now in their 60's,
  were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
  On their special day a good fairy came to them
  and said that because they had been so good that
  each one of them could have one wish.
  
  The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
  Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
  
  The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
  Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
  

  Last edited by author: Wed September 05, 2007 13:17:10   Edited 1 time.
  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Harry the Eagle -- MelvaT, 19:17:45 09/01/07 Sat
  Did you know that Eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the Eagle
  waited at the nest for Mary his darlin' of 10 glorious years. He went
  looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead!
  
  Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning he decided
  that he must get himself another mate. But he just might like to cross
  the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.
  
  He found a lovely DOVE and brought her back to t he nest. The sex was
  OK but all the DOVE would say is I am a DOVE I want to Love! I am a
  DOVE I want to love! Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the
  Dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.
  
  He found a very sexy LOON and brought her back to the nest, again the
  sex was great, but all the LOON would say is, I am a LOON, I want to
  spoon! I am a LOON I want to spoon! Egads, out with the LOON.
  
  Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous
  DUCK, so he brought the DUCK back to the nest. Again the sex was
  great, but all the DUCK would say was........
  
  No ..... the DUCK didn't say THAT!!!!!
  
  That's an awful thing to think!
  The Duck said, I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Melva, Thanks for the morning giggle. I needed that! (NT) -- CathyS, 07:02:11 09/03/07 Mon
  • Hahaha! You got me, Mel. *G* (NT) -- SueW, 11:42:10 09/03/07 Mon

  ---

• who's that? -- DragonLady, 09:14:13 08/29/07 Wed
  A recently deceased man who led a truly wicked life finds he will not be spending eternity where he might have hoped. And he's met at the gates of hell by the devil himself, who walks our poor subject down a long passageway toward his ultimate destiny.
  On the way, they pass a room where someone is being pelted by stones.
  "Who is that?" the man asks, shuddering.
  "That was a swindler," says the devil.
  
  
  
  Then they pass a room where someone is being dipped repeatedly in burning oil. "And who is that?" the man asks fearfully.
  "That was a murderer," says the devil.
  
  
  
  In the next room, there's a man making love to the most beautiful woman our subject has ever seen. "And who is that man?" he asks.
  "That man is a lawyer," says the devil.
  
  
  
  At last they arrive at a room filled with fire and lined with hot coals, and the devil says, "This is where you shall spend eternity." "Now, wait a minute!" the man protests. "I understand the punishment of the swindler, and of the murderer, and I know that I myself have not been a good person, but tell me something, Why does that lawyer get to make love to that woman for all eternity?"
  
  
  
  And at that the devil rises up fully on his haunches. In a booming voice he says, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• SueKy -- SueKy, 08:00:34 08/23/07 Thu
  The Guys' Rules
  At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story.
  (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
  We always hear "the rules" From the female side.
  Now here are the rules from the male side.
  These are our rules!
  Please note.. these are all numbered "1"ON PURPOSE!
  
  1. Men ARE not mind readers.
  
  1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
  You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
  We need it up, you need it down.
  You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
  
  1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
  Let it be.
  
  1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
  And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
  
  1. Crying is blackmail.
  
  1. Ask for what you want.
  Let us be clear on this one:
  Subtle hints do not work!
  Strong hints do not work!
  Obvious hints do not work!
  Just say it!
  
  1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
  
  1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
  
  1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
  
  1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
  In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
  
  1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
  
  1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
  Don't ask us.
  
  1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
  
  1. You can either ask us to do something
  Or tell us how you want it done.
  Not both.
  If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
  
  1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  
  1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
  
  1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
  
  1. If it itches, it WILL Be scratched.
  We do that.
  
  1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
  
  1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
  
  1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.
  
  1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
  or golf.
  
  1. You have enough clothes.
  
  1. You have too many shoes.
  
  1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape!
  
  1. Thank you for reading this.
  Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
  
  
  BUT.. did you know men really don't mind that?
  It's like camping.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • ...from a woman who has always preferred the company of men to women I say amen to this - aren't we all (male & female alike) just a bit bored with what seems to be the prevailing superior attitude of women toward the oppisite sex? (NT) -- Sara G., 16:47:32 08/23/07 Thu
  • This is hysterical. Love the one about, "If something we say can be interpreted in two ways...." ROFL (NT) -- ScarlettO, 07:06:26 08/24/07 Fri

  ---

• This is an actual ebay item from a mom of 6 who takes her kids shopping and they sneak Pokemon cards into the wagon. so she is selling them (sold now) on ebay. She describes her trip to the grocery store. It is the funniest thing I have seen in years!!! cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll/ViewItem&item=130144061675 If I screwed up the address the item number at the end should get you to the right page. Go now and look at this post, she had over 14,000 hits. -- Annabel, 19:29:31 08/22/07 Wed
  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:
  • ok, I am not sure what i did wrong on the web address but the item number at the end will take you too the right place. If someone more technical then me could figure it out and put up the right link that would be wonderful (NT) -- Annabel, 19:40:13 08/22/07 Wed
  • Oh I loved it! A must for mums to read. Thank you for a good laugh! (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 00:34:42 08/23/07 Thu
  • Wonderful story! Somehow I felt sorry for her, but I could not - had to laugh so loud... (NT) -- Margit, 09:53:40 08/23/07 Thu
  • When I went back again to capture her blog address, I could not find it. Does anyone have it? (NT) -- DonnaF, 10:53:24 08/23/07 Thu
  • mom2my6pack.blogspot.com let me know if that doesn't work for you. It is in the comments section lower down, not the body of her story (NT) -- Annabel, 16:58:22 08/23/07 Thu
    • Thanks, Annabel. (NT) -- DonnaF, 06:34:21 08/24/07 Fri
  • OMG, I laughed so hard at this I darn near choked. I only have two kids and can't stand grocery shopping with them - can you *imagine* six??? (NT) -- ScarlettO, 06:58:20 08/24/07 Fri

  ---

• The Mommy Test -- PattiR, 13:59:15 08/23/07 Thu
  I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She
  picked up something off the ground and started to put
  it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her
  not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been on
  the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty
  and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my
  daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,
  "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so
  smart."
  
  I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff.
  It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they
  don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence
  for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering
  this new information.
  
  "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass
  the test, you have to be the daddy."
  "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.
  
  
  When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Little Boys...Gotta Love 'Em -- SueKy, 08:44:22 08/23/07 Thu
  Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
  
  The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
  
  "Eight," the boy replied.
  
  The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
  
  The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.
  
  He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
  
  Right now, he can't do either.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Eve... -- PattiR, 09:51:03 08/20/07 Mon
  After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is
  every thing going?" inquired God.
  
  "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunset
  breath taking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have
  just one problem.
  
  It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two
  out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on
  branches and snagging them on bushes.
  They're a real pain," reported Eve.
  
  And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in
  pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.
  she felt that having only two breast s might leave her body more
  "symmetrically balanced".
  
  "That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you
  know. I gave the animals six breasts,
  so I figure that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are
  right. I will fix it up right away."
  
  And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the
  bushes.
  
  Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden
  
  "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
  
  "Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the
  animals are paired off.
  The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate
  except me. I feel so alone."
  
  God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could
  I have overlooked this?
  You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.
  
  Now Let's see......where did I put the useless boob?"
  
  Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • LOL, unfortunatly it makes too much sense (NT) -- Keitaya, 19:30:28 08/20/07 Mon

  ---

• Never Argue with a Woman -- Carol P, 17:26:59 08/14/07 Tue
  One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
  Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
  "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
  "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
  "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
  "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
  "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
  "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
  "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
  "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
  MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Can I give this one to my boss? (NT) -- Chirre, 06:01:19 08/15/07 Wed
    • NOOO! Wait, you can, because then you will be sacked and you will have lots more time to play. Go ahead! *g* (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 00:29:36 08/16/07 Thu
      • Don't tempt me! LOL (NT) -- Chirre, 22:57:20 08/16/07 Thu

  ---

• Dear Diary -- SueKy, 06:06:24 08/14/07 Tue
  DEAR DIARY, DAY ONE
  I'm all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.
  
  DEAR DIARY. DAY TWO
  
  We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
  
  DEAR DIARY. DAY THREE
  
  I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is
  a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
  
  DEAR DIARY. DAY FOUR
  
  Went to the ship's casino. Did OK ..won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could sleep with aomeone I'd known such a short amount of time.
  
  DEAR DIARY. DAY FIVE
  
  Went back to the pool today and got a littlesunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. Once more he asked me to visit him for the night and again but I declined He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled!
  
  DEAR DIARY. DAY SIX
  Saved 1600 lives today...Twice.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • ROFL - What a gal! Saved the day! (NT) -- SueP, 03:10:16 08/16/07 Thu

  ---

• HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT -- Chirre, 05:58:47 08/15/07 Wed
  The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
  
  
  Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
  
  Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
  
  One student, however, wrote the following:
  
  First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
  
  Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
  
  Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
  
  This gives two possibilities:
  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
  
  2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
  
  So which is it?
  
  If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
  
  The student got an A.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Amazing Home Remedies -- Lady Elizabeth, 18:23:20 08/10/07 Fri
  1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
  
  2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
  
  3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
  
  4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
  
  5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
  
  6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
  
  Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are.
  
  You only need two tools:
  WD-40 and Duct Tape.
  If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
  If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • I swear by WD-40 and Duct Tape! They were the first 2 things I bought when I moved into my own apartment! (NT) -- TanyaB, 21:08:24 08/10/07 Fri
  • This is funny, I have an older cousin who is a little mentally challenged. This summer at a gathering my father asked if she had found a boyfriend, her reply was "I don't need no man as long as I have WD-40 and duct tape" maybe she was on to something. (NT) -- LadyGrace, 10:35:50 08/11/07 Sat
    • HAHAHA!!!! Smart girl! I need to tell that to my Dsis. (NT) -- kgp, 15:58:57 08/11/07 Sat
  • Duct tape, and MacGyer! What else does a girl need??!! (NT) -- SueP, 13:17:05 08/12/07 Sun

  ---

• New Drugs for Women -- SueKy, 10:50:39 08/09/07 Thu
  
  D A M N I T O L
  Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
  
  E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
  Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
  
  ST.M O M M A'S W O R T
  Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
  
  P E P T O B I M B O
  Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast si ze, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
  
  D U M B E R O L
  When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
  
  F L I P I T O R
  Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
  
  M E N I C I L L I N
  Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person."
  
  BUYAGRA
  Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency,duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
  
  J A C K A S S P I R I N
  Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
  
  A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
  A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
  
  N A G A M E N T
  When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Hey now, I like country music and pick-up trucks! (NT) -- TanyaB, 21:07:05 08/10/07 Fri

  ---

• Facts about men -- MelvaT, 14:50:47 08/10/07 Fri
  1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
  
  2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
  
  3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
  
  4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
  
  5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
  
  6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
  
  7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
  
  8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
  
  9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship. " These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
  
  10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
  
  11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
  
  12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
  
  13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
  
  14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men' s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
  
  15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
  
  16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
  
  17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
  
  18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
  
  19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
  
  20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
  
  21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
  
  22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
  
  23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
  
  24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
  
  25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
  
  26. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
  
  27. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Five Good Leads -- FaeLass, 16:20:01 08/09/07 Thu
  "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman."
  The priest sighs. "Is that you, little tommy O'Shaughnessy?"
  "Yes, Father, 'tis I."
  "And who might be the woman you were with?"
  "I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."
  "Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
  "I cannot say."
  "Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"
  "I'll never tell."
  "Was it Bridget O'Shanter?"
  "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
  Was it Cathy O'Dell?"
  "My lips are sealed."
  "Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"
  "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
  The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."
  Tommy walks back to the pew. His friend, Sean, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
  Tommy replied, "Five more good leads!"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Register 5 -- SueKy, 11:02:04 08/09/07 Thu
  A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants.
  
  He did.
  
  She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."
  The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like
  most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.
  She asked him to drop his pants.
  
  He did.
  
  She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said,
  "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5." A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he
  had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter,
  gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...
  
  (you'll love this one...................)
  
  
  "Cleanup, Register 5"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Women Drivers??? -- CindyS, 14:26:34 08/07/07 Tue
  This morning on Highway 75, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
  
  I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
  
  As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined my phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an Important call.
  
  Darn women drivers!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • hahaha, gotta love "big Jim and the twins" :) (NT) -- alison, 04:30:34 08/08/07 Wed

  ---

• Darwin -- Lady Elizabeth, 20:29:03 08/01/07 Wed
  Got this from our own B.D.n case you were unaware, there is an annual competition to determine the stupidest people on the planet. It’s called the “Darwin Awards” after Darwin’s Theory of Evolution. Specifically, the strongest of the species survives. The winners of these awards are those who reside at the lower end of the gene pool. Following are this year’s winners. It proves you just can't fix stupid.........enjoy
  
  These people prove stupidity and lack of common sense is a terminal condition. As always, competition this year has been keen. The candidates this year are...
  
  * Eighth Place: In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his carkeys.
  
  Seventh Place: A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
  
  Sixth Place: While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
  
  Fifth Place: Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
  
  Fourth Place: Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends. They bet that he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
  
  Third Place: After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
  
  HONORABLE MENTION: Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.
  
  RUNNER UP: Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and the tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
  
  
  
  * AND THE WINNER IS...Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... "Shit happens"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • OMG... I shouldn't be laughing for so many dead people, but cannot help myself... LOL (NT) -- Margit, 01:23:03 08/02/07 Thu
    • I know, I was disgusted with my self for laughing at that but just couldn't help it! :) (NT) -- alison, 04:37:29 08/02/07 Thu
  • That's what I get for reading this at work - I just snarfed tea up my nose!! (NT) -- ScarlettO, 09:48:14 08/02/07 Thu
  • But just think how GOOD tea is for you!! (NT) -- blackdog, 15:29:12 08/04/07 Sat
  • I've got one more for this list -- Lori H, 17:59:25 08/06/07 Mon
  • Here's another one - some rocket scientist here in town last year tried to nail a "Garage Sale" sign to a telephone pole, but instead nailed it to "that metal tube" running up the side of the pole - you know, the one that's FULL OF ELECTRICAL WIRES??!!! Moron knocked out power to almost two square miles of the city, including several traffic lights along our busiest street. I think he's only eligible for an Honorable Mention, though, because he (miraculously) didn't actually die. (NT) -- ScarlettO, 09:49:45 08/07/07 Tue

  ---

• Not for the squeemish... -- Shari, 19:06:44 08/06/07 Mon
  A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted
  her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
  
  Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and
  the surgeon agreed.
  Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses
  carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately
  called in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my
  operation!"
  
  The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confientiality
  and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went
  through this all by yourself."
  
  "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
  empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."
  
  "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "That's from a man
  upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Diet Misconceptions -- SueP, 03:10:56 07/30/07 Mon
  Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
  
  A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a lamb eat? Leaves and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a kabab is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
  
  
  Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
  A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. It's only the misconception that narrow minded people have. So, Bottoms up!
  
  
  Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
  
  A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in
  vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
  
  
  Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
  A: Are you crazy? HELLO..... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable! It's the best feel-good food around!
  
  
  Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
  A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • That explains a lot of things. I'm going about this the wrong way!! (NT) -- TanyaB, 13:07:06 07/31/07 Tue
  • Loved this!! Especially the last answer!! (NT) -- Terri Chalmers, 06:18:37 08/06/07 Mon

  ---

• Jeff Foxworthy's Take on Teaching -- Kyrie, 16:16:15 08/03/07 Fri
  Putting the teaching profession into perspective
  
  Jeff Foxworthy's Take on Teachers
  
  YOU might be a school employee if....
  
  ...you believe the playground should be equipped with Ritalin salt lick
  
  ...you want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work 8:00 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. and have summers off
  
  ..it is difficult to name your own child because there's no name you can come up with that doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered
  
  ...you can tell it's a full moon or if it going to rain, snow, hail....anything!!! without ever looking outside
  
  ...you believe, "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on a report card
  
  ...you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
  
  ...when out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior
  
  ...you have no social life between August and June
  
  ...you think people should have a government permit before being allowed to reproduce
  
  ...you wonder how some parents MANAGED to reproduce
  
  ...you laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge."
  
  ...you encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling and are willing to donate the U-HAUL boxes should they decided to move out of district
  
  ...you think caffeine should be available in intravenous form
  
  ...you can't imagine how the ACLU could think that covering your students chair with Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public
  
  ...meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"
  
  ...you would choose a mammogram over a parent conference
  
  ...you think someone should invent antibacterial pencils and crayons...and desks and chairs for that matter!!!
  
  ...the words "I have college debt for this?" has ever come out of your mouth
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Back to business on Fri 10/8. Thanks, I printed that and fully agree on several cases. (NT) -- Helka, 08:05:57 08/04/07 Sat

  ---

• Research! -- Lolkate, 21:22:30 07/31/07 Tue
  Some research as started after discussion at an international medical conference on why was the head of a penis larger than the shaft. The Americans, after a couple of years and $200,000 announced that it was for the pleasure of the man while having sex.
  The French much put out by not having been deferred to as the authority on all things sexual started their own study. Three years later and $300,000 announced it was for the pleasure of both men and women while having sex.
  
  The Aussies decided to get in on this too and after five weeks and a couple of cartons of beer announced it was so that a man 's hand wouldn't slip off and hit him on the head!!!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Snerk! Sad but true!!1 (NT) -- SueP, 13:53:49 08/01/07 Wed
  • OMG! I think I hurt myself laughing at this. Love it, love it! (NT) -- CathyS, 17:35:43 08/02/07 Thu

  ---

• In the QOTD there is something about a Scot and a sausage. Well, when the theme popped up, here something more... -- Margit, 07:59:30 07/17/07 Tue
  The tale of an Irish Sausage
  
  Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
  
  Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
  
  Seamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
  
  Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub, where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.
  
  Seamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!
  
  Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
  
  They downed their drinks, then Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
  
  The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued doing this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
  
  At the tenth pub Seamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this.
  I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"
  
  Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Too funny! (NT) -- TanyaB, 10:04:32 07/18/07 Wed
  • Bwahahaha! (NT) -- Lolkate, 22:34:05 07/31/07 Tue

  ---

• SHOWER WOMEN STYLE VS MEN STYLE -- SueKy, 12:48:46 07/02/07 Mon
  
  HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
  
  Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
  
  Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
  
  Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
  
  Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
  
  Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
  
  Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
  
  Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
  
  Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
  
  Shave armpits and legs.
  
  Turn off shower.
  
  Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
  
  Spray mold spots with Tilex.
  
  Get out of shower.
  
  Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
  
  Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
  
  HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
  
  Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
  
  Walk naked to the bathroom.
  
  If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
  
  Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
  
  Get in the shower.
  
  Wash your face.
  
  Wash your armpits.
  
  Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
  
  Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
  
  Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
  
  Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
  
  Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
  
  Pee.
  
  Rinse off and get out of shower.
  
  Partially dry off.
  
  Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
  
  Admire wiener size in mirror again.
  
  Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
  
  Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
  
  Throw wet towel on bed.
  
  If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day! Oh, and.....
  
  woo woo!!!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • OMG (can you tell I have teenagers at home?) - this is why you should not succumb to the temptation of surfing the web at work. I laughed so hard, I snorted. Then I had to make up a good excuse for laughing. Anyhow, you made my day - thanks for that! (NT) -- ScarlettO, 13:51:52 07/03/07 Tue
  • How to shower in drought-stricken Queensland...Jump under as soon as water is running, never mind what temperature it is. wash as fast as possible under the unwilling drips of a "water-saver" shower while trying not to watch the government supplied 4minute timer that's stuck on your wall. Sad but true. I long for the humour that used to be in that shower joke. Oh and by the way electric or battery razors are the go for shaving, never mind wasting the wet stuff!!! Anyone got a drought joke? (NT) -- Joanne, 01:14:26 07/05/07 Thu
    • What about the bucket to catch the water in the shower to use in the garden. But after the floods we have had in the last week I think I will take it out. (NT) -- Alissa, 01:47:15 07/05/07 Thu
      • Water the garden?? We haven't watered the garden in years. What survives makes do on whatever falls we do have. But we do most of the other stuff suggested. I admit I was a water-running-while-I-clean-my-teeth person, and now I am religiously good about turning the tap off while brushing :-) (NT) -- Joanne, 03:57:48 07/05/07 Thu
  • I laughed so hard, the dog started barking! -- Larn, 15:26:59 07/09/07 Mon
    • The last three weddings I have been to, I have bought towels and put this little ditty amongst them! (NT) -- Trixiara, 14:49:16 07/31/07 Tue

  ---

• This might have been posted here before-but it's agood reminder -- Keira, 11:04:24 07/26/07 Thu
  9 WORDS WOMEN USE
  
  
  1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
  
  2. Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
  
  3. Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
  
  4. Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
  
  5. Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
  
  6. That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
  
  7. Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
  
  8 . Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
  
  9. Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself.. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
  
  *Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
  
  *Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Oh Keira, If the DH had known this last night I'd still be speaking to him today. The stupid jack@$$ (NT) -- Dale, 14:04:18 07/29/07 Sun

  ---

• what kids say -- Lady Elizabeth, 07:42:32 07/26/07 Thu
  1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
  'How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.You did WHAT ???" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know, "explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
  2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
  'What?" ' I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
  "No, You had your chance. Lights out."
  Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad .." "WHAT?"
  "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
  I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
  Five minutes later....."Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!"
  "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
  3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
  
  4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm A mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the
  light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
  5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
  The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
  
  6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three yearold came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey,remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
  
  7. A little boy was doing his math homework.He said to
  himself, "Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven.Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine..."His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
  "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?"the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, theson of a bitch is four?"
  After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
  8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the
  story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, thesky is falling!"The teacher paused then asked the class,"And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit!A talking chicken!'"
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ious | Next | Back to Messages
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• One Night ... -- SueKy, 06:13:37 07/23/07 Mon
  
  One night, after the couple had retired
  for the night, the woman became aware that her
  husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
  
  He started by running his hand across her shoulders and
  the small of her back. He ran his hand over her
  breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to
  run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand
  over her stomach, and then down the other side to a
  point below her waist. He continued on, gently
  feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran
  further down the outside of her thighs.
  
  His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left
  thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her
  right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused
  and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
  
  The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his
  side of the bed.
  
  "Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
  
  He whispered back, "I found the remote!"
  
  --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Random thoughts -- kgp, 04:38:31 05/22/07 Tue
  I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
  
  *****
  I had amnesia once -- or twice.
  
  *****
  I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
  Now what?
  
  *****
  Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
  
  *****
  All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
  
  *****
  If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
  
  *****
  What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
  
  *****
  They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
  
  *****
  Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
  
  *****
  Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
  
  *****
  My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
  
  *****
  I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
  
  *****
  How can there be self-help "groups"?
  
  *****
  If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
  
  *****
  Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
  
  *****
  Is it me--or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Are these Steven Wright lines? They sure sound like him! :) (NT) -- Lady_Jane, 17:52:15 05/22/07 Tue
    • I LERVE Steven Wright! "Why do we drive on a parkway, but park on a driveway?" HaHaHaHa! (NT) -- JulieQ, 17:21:43 07/22/07 Sun

  ---

• hair removal 101 -- JackieR, 00:32:43 05/24/07 Thu
  I don't know if it is true or not..... but god it made me laugh.
  
  
  Hair removal 101...God love the woman who shared this...
  
  It is very long so I have put it inside first reply
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Inside >>>>> -- JackieR, 00:34:03 05/24/07 Thu
    • This always makes me smile and squeeze my legs together at the same time! I read one where she rang the help number, and she was sure the assistant put her on speaker phone and whole office could hear her plight! (NT) -- Sheila, 02:16:36 05/24/07 Thu
  • I coulda told her a little PAM would do the trick (NT) -- Reid--home wax disaster master, 21:43:43 07/17/07 Tue
  • Laughed til I cried, laughed til I couldn't breath! Then I copied it and sent it to a dozen friends.. (NT) -- Ruthlass, 20:58:06 07/20/07 Fri

  ---

• it's a groaner... -- devenhuis, 14:49:03 07/18/07 Wed
  You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
  Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
  When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Gold's, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
  Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
  Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just a...
  
  Are you ready for this?
  
  just a Common Tater
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • NOOoooooooooo!! hahahaha! (NT) -- kgp, 16:24:27 07/20/07 Fri

  ---

• The Army Pilot and the Nursing Mom -- LadyBelle, 08:05:03 07/19/07 Thu
  During a commercial airline flight a Army pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
  The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby... and he sure was hungry!"
  
  Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
  
  The Army pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "Damn! And all these years I've been chewing gum."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • LOLLLL!!! Love it! (NT) -- abby, 12:37:48 07/20/07 Fri

  ---

• Jesus is Watching You -- Toddles, 07:55:49 07/17/07 Tue
  A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,"Jesus is watching you."
  
  He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,"Jesus is watching you."
  
  Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
  
  "Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
  
  The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
  
  "Moses," replied the bird.
  
  "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
  
  "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• This is why parents drink.... -- ScarlettO, 14:04:44 07/10/07 Tue
  A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on this pillow, addressed to Dad. With the worst premonitions, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read The Letter.
  
  Dear Dad,
  It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and the fact that she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
  
  She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby, for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
  
  Don't worry, Dad, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
  
  Love,
  Your Son John
  
  P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • OMG, my DS is 13 and I'm trying to brace myself for the next 8 years. (NT) -- LadyGrace, 06:05:34 07/11/07 Wed
  • OMG This is too funny I loved it (NT) -- Carrie R, 17:34:20 07/12/07 Thu

  ---

• The Buttocks -- SueKy, 05:31:34 07/11/07 Wed
  A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
  However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
  After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
  One day, he was alone with his wife and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Butt Dust -- Kyrie, 21:04:50 06/16/07 Sat
  What is Butt Dust? (Or, You Just Gotta Love Little Kids)
  
  What, you ask, is “Butt Dust”? Read on and you’ll discover the joy in a child’s sincere originality. No adult is this creative!!
  
  JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: “Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?”
  
  MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, “If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six “
  
  STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night “I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window”
  
  BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: “How does it know it’s me?”
  
  SUSAN(age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”
  
  DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: “How much do I cost?”
  
  MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”
  
  CLINTON(age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, “I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?”
  
  JAMES(age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt” Concerned, James asked: “What happened to the flea?”
  
  TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, “Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?”
  
  The sermon I think this mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon. “Dear Lord,” the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. “Without you, we are but dust...” He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Hot and cold milk!!! My niece said, "That sure is a big bottle." (NT) -- TanyaB, 11:45:37 06/19/07 Tue
  • I still like the story about my MIL to be. When she married for the second time, and she was asked if she wanted to wed this man, her little boy said 'you can say no, you know.' (NT) -- Lady Morilka, 04:59:48 07/06/07 Fri

  ---

• Rocking Chair Sex -- annieo, 20:41:27 06/29/07 Fri
  
  Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
  
  The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
  
  The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
  
  The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles,and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
  
  The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
  
  "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
  
  "Hell, no," replies the old lady. "I want four times in the rocking chair!"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Rancher's bull -- SueKy, 13:16:50 06/29/07 Fri
  
  A rancher needs to buy a bull to service his cows but has to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the
  money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the cows.The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
  The next week the banker returns to see if the vet
  helped.The farmer looks very pleased: He said
  "The bull serviced all my cows twice, broke through the
  fence,and serviced all my neighbor's cows three times."
  "Wow," says the banker, "What did the vet do to that bull?" "He gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
  "What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
  "I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste
  like chocolate."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • heehee (NT) -- annieo, 18:41:27 06/29/07 Fri

  ---

• Pharmacy -- Lady Elizabeth, 12:34:17 06/23/07 Sat
  A lady went to the pharmacy and said she wanted some cyanide.
  
  The pharmacist said "I can't give you cyanice! You'll kill someone."
  
  The lady took a picture out of her purse of her husband making love the pharmacist's wife and showed it to him.
  
  "Well, why didn't you tell my you had a perscription." he said.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Cheaper and quicker than a diverce! Right on!!! (NT) -- Lady Anonymous, 18:35:03 06/23/07 Sat

  ---

• 3 old Ladies at the ballpark -- SueKy, 08:01:11 06/22/07 Fri
  In here>>
  This is a detective story
  
  So Pay Close Attention!!!
  
  Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game.
  
  They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels into the ball park.
  
  The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely...mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.
  
  Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.
  
  Based on the given information, what inning is it
  and how many players are on base?
  
  
  
  Think!
  
  Think some more!!
  
  You're gonna love it
  
  
  Answer:
  It's the bottom of the fifth
  and the bags are loaded!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • HaHaHaHaHa! Love it! :) (NT) -- abby, 09:39:20 06/22/07 Fri

  ---

• Rachel Ray -- kgp, 17:58:51 06/19/07 Tue
  This just gets funnier as it goes on. It's a composite of mmmmmoments from "$40 a day".
  .
  Clicket here for Rachel Ray
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • I wonder, did she ever try anything she DIDN'T like? (NT) -- TanyaB, 19:56:49 06/20/07 Wed
  • Darn, I can't play this, I'll try from home later. When my daughter makes dinner, I taste it and act like Rachael Ray with the reactions. (NT) -- LadyGrace, 09:29:35 06/22/07 Fri

  ---

• A guid Scot! -- NewScotty (Alba Gu Bràth!!!), 11:19:31 06/21/07 Thu
  A Scotsman, an Irishman and an Englishman stood by the grave of a common friend.
  
  The Irishman, in a gesture of impractical generosity, dropped a one pound coin into the grave.
  
  The Englishman, not to be outdone, dropped in a two pound coin and retrieved the one pound coin.
  
  The Scotsman in turn wrote a cheque for three pounds and pocketed the two pound coin.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Marriage -- Lady Elizabeth, 16:23:16 06/13/07 Wed
  After being married 25 years, I took a look at my wife and said,
  Honey, do you realize that 25 years ago, I had a cheap appartment,
  a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV,
  but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.
  "Now, we have a nice house,
  Nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV.
  but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman.
  It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things,"
  Now my wife is a very reasonable woman ...
  She told me to go find a hot 25 year old blond,
  and she would make sure
  that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment,
  driving a cheap car,
  and sleeping on a sofa bed ....
  I shut up and took out the trash ... !!
  Aren't older woman great .. ?
  They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis ... !!!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • hahahahahahaha (NT) -- Judie, 08:57:02 06/14/07 Thu

  ---

• Love Dress -- Whiskey Eyes, 18:57:04 06/06/07 Wed
  Come inside the first reply, this is too funny!!!!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • In here>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>. -- Whiskey Eyes, 18:57:44 06/06/07 Wed
  • omg!! hehe (NT) -- oorjanie, 13:50:37 06/08/07 Fri
  • OMG I almost fell of the chair laughing. (NT) -- Lady Morilka, 11:53:24 06/13/07 Wed

  ---

• Because I'm Blonde? -- Lady of the Fogg, 10:16:16 06/12/07 Tue
  A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
  
  "Very good," said her mother.
  
  "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
  
  "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
  
  The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"
  
  "Very good," said her mother.
  
  "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
  
  "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
  
  The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
  
  "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
  
  "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
  
  "No, Honey, it's because you're 25."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Auch.. (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 22:50:19 06/12/07 Tue

  ---

• Some silliness - -- annieo, 19:16:52 06/04/07 Mon
  This is what we have been waiting for...the true answers to the 5 most important questions in the world:
  
  Q1. WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
  A: It's Braille for "suck here".
  
  Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
  A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."
  
  Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
  A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a
  Goodyear.
  
  Q4. WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
  A: Because, when they come, they're wild and wet. But
  when they go, they take your house and car with
  them.
  
  Q5. WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
  A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
  
  (Now, you know everything you need to know!)
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Gosh! Disturbance in the office, I laughed too loud... (NT) -- Margit, 03:50:03 06/05/07 Tue
  • haha. too funny (NT) -- oorjanie, 13:51:32 06/08/07 Fri
  • OMG - ROFLMAO (NT) -- CindyS (need to send this to a few friends *g*), 09:58:39 06/09/07 Sat
  • Wow, I love it, I must share. (NT) -- LadyGrace, 19:44:32 06/11/07 Mon

  ---

• Wisdom..abd Gioe -- ANNA, 11:06:29 06/10/07 Sun
  The Cat Years...
  
  I just realized that while children are dogs
  - loyal and affectionate -
  teenagers are cats.
  It's so easy to be a dog owner.
  You feed it, train it, boss it around.
  
  It puts its head on your knee and gazes at you
  as if you were a Rembrandt painting.
  It bounds indoors with enthusiasm when you call it.
  
  Then, around age 13,
  your adorable little puppy
  turns into a big old cat.
  
  When you tell it to come inside,
  it looks amazed, as if wondering
  who died and made you emperor.
  
  Instead of dogging your footsteps, it disappears.
  You won't see it again until it gets hungry -
  then it pauses on its sprint through
  the kitchen long enough
  to turn its nose up at whatever you're serving.
  
  When you reach out to ruffle its head,
  in that old affectionate gesture,
  it twists away from you,
  then gives you a blank stare,
  as if trying to remember where
  it has seen you before.
  
  You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat,
  think something must be desperately wrong with it.
  It seems so antisocial, so distant, sort of depressed.
  It won't go on family outings.
  
  Since you're the one who raised it,
  taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command,
  you assume that you did something wrong.
  
  Flooded with guilt and fear,
  you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave.
  Only now you're dealing with a cat,
  so everything that worked before now
  produces the opposite of the desired result.
  
  Call it, and it runs away.
  Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the counter.
  The more you go toward it, wringing your hands,
  the more it moves away.
  
  Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner,
  you can learn to behave like a cat owner.
  Put a dish of food near the door,
  and let it come to you.
  
  But remember that a cat needs
  your help and your affection too.
  Sit still, and it will come, seeking that warm,
  comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten.
  
  One day, your grown-up child
  will walk into the kitchen,
  give you a big kiss and say,
  
  "You've been on your feet all day.
  Let me get those dishes for you."
  
  Then you'll realize your cat is a dog again...
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • LOL, very good. Being the mother of four teenagers (well, one just turned 20 last month), I can truly relate!!!! (NT) -- Keira, 11:40:07 06/10/07 Sun
  • That was wonderful! (NT) -- TanyaB, 06:02:14 06/11/07 Mon

  ---

• What he said.. -- Margit, 05:15:06 06/11/07 Mon
  These sentences are said by a very famous comedian - Groucho Marx. Can anybody be so impulsively funny nowadays?
  
  "Remember, men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did."
  
  "I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
  
  "I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home."
  
  "Military intelligence is a contridiction in terms."
  
  "It looks as if Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms."
  
  "I drink to make other people interesting."
  
  "I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception."
  
  "Behind every successful man stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife."
  
  "I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book." ( .. very real also today!...)
  
  "Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others."
  
  "From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
  
  "In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people."
  
  "The only game I like to play is Old Maid...provided she's not TOO old."
  
  "A moose is an animal with horns on the front of his head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it."
  
  "Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
  
  "One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife."
  
  "I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book."
  
  "She got her good looks from her father--he's a plastic surgeon."
  
  "The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open."
  
  [After viewing Samson and Delilah (1949) starring Hedy Lamarr and Victor Mature] Well, there's just one problem. No picture can hold my interest where the leading man's tits are bigger than the leading lady's.
  
  (Source: IMDB)
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• King Arthur's Challenge aka If you don't let a woman have her own way -- CindyS, 09:53:17 06/09/07 Sat
  inside first reply (tad long)
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • King Arthur's Challenge -- CindyS, 09:53:59 06/09/07 Sat

  ---

• Senior Moment -- kgp, 06:27:57 06/04/07 Mon
  This is a supposedly true account recorded in the incident log of Jasper County, SC Sheriff's Office.
  
  An elderly Sun City lady did her shopping at Wal-Mart and, upon returning to her car, found four young white men in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
  
  The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.
  
  The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
  
  She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the Jasper County sheriff's office to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
  
  South Carolina Moral of the Story? If you're going to have a 'Senior Moment', make it memorable.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • This was a funny one :) I wanna grow up to be just like her. (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 22:50:37 06/06/07 Wed

  ---

• LOSING WEIGHT (and oldie but worth repeating!) -- annieo, 19:22:19 05/30/07 Wed
  It said to send it to as many people as I can and I'd lose 10 pounds, so I thought of y'all!!
  
  I can almost feel myself losing weight....You'll understand at the end.
  
  I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be...Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and
  would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.
  
  Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. this gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
  
  In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
  
  Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
  
  Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
  
  Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."
  
  Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
  
  Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, 'cell phone permanently attached to ear' teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"
  
  In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
  
  Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.
  
  Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much 'Healthy Choice' ice cre am can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
  
  But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.
  
  We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.
  That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
  
  Send this to four women and you will lose two pounds.
  Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds.
  
  (I left out the threat about gaining 10 pounds if you don't send it on. Hate those threats!)
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Should have been "an oldie" up there in the title - maybe I shouldn't have had that second glass of wine... (NT) -- annieo, 19:26:39 05/30/07 Wed
  • Some of these are far too funny.... And far too true... :) (NT) -- Mairghread, 17:50:27 06/03/07 Sun

  ---

• The Koala bear and the Lizard -- CathyS, 12:29:19 05/28/07 Mon
  
  A koala was sitting in a gum tree ....smoking a joint
  when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
  "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
  
  The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
  
  So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.
  
  After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry" and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
  
  The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.
  
  Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
  
  The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
  
  The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.
  
  The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!"
  
  So the koala looked down at him and said,
  "Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude....
  
  How much water did you drink?!!"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • LOL...I sent this to "my" hippie friend and she asked me what "I" had been smokin' ! Thanks for the giggle (NT) -- VickiB, 08:39:16 06/03/07 Sun

  ---

• I will survive!! -- SueP, 05:17:19 05/31/07 Thu
  In here >>>>>>>
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • I will survive! -- SueP, 05:19:36 05/31/07 Thu
    • HAHAHAHA!!!!! (NT) -- kgp, 05:22:40 05/31/07 Thu
    • OMG, I love it! (NT) -- LadyGrace, 05:54:51 05/31/07 Thu
    • Wow. Just...wow. -- Larn, 12:46:33 05/31/07 Thu
    • snicker--I could hear it playing in my head! (NT) -- devenhuis, 15:28:19 05/31/07 Thu
  • I had to sing this at a sex toy party at my friend's apartment...I promise, the song only gets funnier after several drinks and when performed semi-publicly! (NT) -- Sarah G., 19:49:38 05/31/07 Thu
  • I will never hear that song the same way again! (NT) -- Lady_Jane, 17:59:24 06/02/07 Sat

  ---

• Dorothy and Edna -- annieo, 08:55:03 05/28/07 Mon
  Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
  
  Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.
  I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to
  talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
  
  Edna: " Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment
  punctually at 7P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a
  fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he
  takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...a
  limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me
  out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne,
  dessert, and after dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.
  Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have
  just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my
  apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he
  tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me
  two times!"
  
  Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I
  shouldn't go out with him?"
  
  Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• COSTUME PARTY -- Leigh, 00:35:53 05/12/07 Sat
  A guy turns up at a costume party, wearing nothing but a pair of trousers.
  
  The host of the party, thinking this guest had no imagination, said: "Hey! What the heck are you supposed to be?!"
  
  The guy said: "I've come as a Premature Ejaculator. I just came in my trousers".
  
  *snerk!!!*
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • This reminds me... -- Margit, 11:02:01 05/14/07 Mon
    • please explain...I don't get it (NT) -- libby, 22:22:15 05/25/07 Fri
      • Well, the spade five (♠5) was consising of a pair of black gloves, a pair of black shoes. . . and one black triangle just above her thighs. ( Like an arrow. You remember what Jamie explained to the boys in Lallybroch?) (NT) -- Margit, 07:41:21 05/28/07 Mon

  ---

• flat tire -- Lady Elizabeth, 11:50:27 05/20/07 Sun
  A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate, so she eases
  it over onto the shoulder of the road.
  
  She carefully steps out of the car and opens the
  trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and
  stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
  
  The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies
  to approaching drivers...
  
  Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and
  backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car
  arrives.
  
  The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the
  blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is
  going on here?"
  
  "My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
  
  "Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard
  pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...
  
  "Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she
  replied.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • *groan* :-) (NT) -- Leigh, 03:13:22 05/23/07 Wed

  ---

• 2010 Olympics -- Judie, 18:03:06 05/11/07 Fri
  .
  .
  Thanks for sending this to me, Charyl. It's too funny.
  
  
  
  
  
  QUESTIONS ABOUT 2010 OLYMPICS
  
  Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website:
  
  Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
  A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
  
  Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
  A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
  
  Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
  A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
  
  Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
  A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
  
  Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
  A: Let's not touch this one.
  
  Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
  A: What did your last slave die of?
  
  Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?
  (USA)
  A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
  
  Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
  A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
  
  Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
  A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
  
  Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
  A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
  
  Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
  A: No, WE don't stink.
  
  Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
  you sell it in Canada? (USA)
  A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
  
  Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
  A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
  
  Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
  A: Only at Thanksgiving.
  
  Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
  A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
  
  Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
  A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
  
  Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
  A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Hilarious. And we have to live next to the Swedes! (NT) -- Helka, 06:24:13 05/12/07 Sat
  • "Stuffed beavers"....a-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! (NT) -- FaeLass, 13:14:25 05/13/07 Sun
  • Thats funny - hey had the same thing here for our Olympics in Sydney!!! (NT) -- Lolkate, 07:39:24 05/21/07 Mon

  ---

• IF HORSES WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL -- annieo, 16:09:08 05/16/07 Wed
  
  Quarter Horses: Definitely jocks. Strutting around flexing those
  muscles, showing off their butts. Not real bright, but get passed on
  since they are responsible for all the trophies in the glass cases.
  (Paints-just QH with too much make up on).
  
  Thoroughbreds: Preppies. They are athletes, never'jocks' .
  Monogrammed blankets, leather halters, Nike eventer shoes, the latest
  custom trailer and tack.
  
  Appaloosas: Could only be the stoners. They like to drop acid so
  they can watch their spots move.
  
  Arabians: RAH! RAH! SIS BOOM BAH!
  GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO O TEAM!! (need I Say more?)
  
  Shetland Ponies: Frightening, spiky hairdos, snotty attitude and
  any color of the rainbow. Gotta be PUNKS. Some even sport tattoos.
  
  Friesians: Big, buff, and always in black, they are the biker
  clique. Cigs hanging out of the corner of their mouths, dangerous
  glint in the eyes, daring anyone to cross their path.
  
  Morgans: They're the nerdy teacher's pets, running around doing
  everything from yearbook to decorating the gym and ratting out the
  bikers, stoners and jocks.
  They have perpetual wedgies.
  
  Drafts (all breeds): No real clique, they're just the big guys who
  sit In the back of the room and fart a lot (and then laugh). Who's
  going to STOP them?
  
  Icelandics and Paso Finos: They're the little squirrelly geeks who
  flit around a dance trying to fit in and fail miserably. The kind who
  wear toughskins jeans from Sears (or would that be ripoff WeathaBeetas? ?)
  
  Ahkle Tekl (Akle Takl? Ackle Tackle....!! Akhal Teke!!):
  Exchange student(s). And no one can spell their names either.
  
  Hackney Ponies: A breed this manic would have to be band geeks
  marching along with their knees and heads held high.....even going to
  the bathroom.
  
  Warmbloods: The school staff and faculty. Looking down their noses
  with righteous indignation and disgust. Secretly wishing they were
  having half as much fun.
  
  Saddlebreds: The popular ones. The pretty ones. The gifted
  students. Always voted homecoming king or queen. Always only date
  each other. Frequently marry after dating through high school and
  college and obtain their M.D. Move to a wealthy suburb and have 2.5
  beautiful children. Everyone hopes they will divorce or get fat or go
  broke, but they never do.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Thanks for a really good laugh, Mine are Preppies, Shoes? Yes made for them AND more than one set ! Racing plates are not cheap! Transport? Yes of course! They have to go to work and can't exactly get on a bus! Monogrammed blankets? Naturally! Leather head collars? Oohh yes, very important AND with a brass name plate engraved with their names. BUT I keep them for life so their "outfits" last them approx 26 years! Loved the descriptions of the 'also rans' !!!! (NT) -- Kirsty, 18:20:35 05/20/07 Sun

  ---

• Librarians!>>> -- Lolkate, 17:09:28 05/20/07 Sun
  A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
  
  "Excuse me Miss, day ye hav any books on suicide?"
  
  Looking over the top of her glasses, she stops doing her tasks and says,
  
  "Fauk off, ye'll no brring it back!"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• The Evolution of Mom -- Traci_Mc, 10:49:58 05/20/07 Sun
  Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:
  
  Your Clothes -
  
  1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
  2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
  3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.
  
  The Baby's Name -
  
  1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
  2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
  3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!
  
  Preparing for the Birth -
  
  1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
  2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
  3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
  
  The Layette -
  
  1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
  2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
  3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
  
  Worries -
  
  1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.
  2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
  3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
  
  Activities -
  
  1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
  2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
  3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
  
  Going Out -
  
  1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
  2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
  3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
  
  At Home -
  
  1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
  2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
  3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• New Family Driver -- Traci_Mc, 10:45:18 05/20/07 Sun
  Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
  
  "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
  
  "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Chicken Farmer -- Lady Elizabeth, 06:14:40 05/19/07 Sat
  "You gotta do something" Farmer John told the sheriff, 'Speeders are killing my chickens.'
  The next day, workers erected a sign near the farm ; Slow - School Crossing.
  Three days later, John called again, "That sign's not helping. Folks ignore it."
  So the sheriff sent out workers with a new sign: Slow - Children at Play.
  Three days later, Farmer John picked up the phone again. "Can I make my own sign?"
  The sheriff agreed. Three week later, he called to check on John. " How's that new sign working out for you?' he asked.
  "Great!" the farmer replied. "Not one chicken has been killed since I put it up."
  Thinking such an effective sign might be useful elsewhere, the sheriff went to see it. The new sign read - Nudist colony - Go slow and watch for chicks.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• A farmer goes into a bar... -- annieo, 16:04:03 05/16/07 Wed
  A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
  
  "What a coincidence," the farmer said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
  
  "This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" said the woman.
  
  "What a coincidence" said the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
  
  "My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant!"
  
  "What a coincidence," said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
  
  "Fancy that!" said the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"
  
  "I used a different cock," he replied.
  
  The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Country Humor? -- Florence, 21:56:36 05/15/07 Tue
  
  A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
  
  On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feedstore and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
  
  While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
  She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"
  The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
  
  The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
  
  "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
  
  On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
  
  The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
  
  The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, and, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
  
  The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Politically Correct -- Kyrie, 04:06:05 05/14/07 Mon
  Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, those hill folk will no longer be referred to as
  "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
  
  HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
  
  1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
  
  2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
  
  3. She is not a "DUMB BLOND" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
  
  4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED
  COMPANION."
  
  5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
  
  6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
  
  
  HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
  
  1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
  
  2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
  
  3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES
  ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
  
  4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
  
  >> 5. He does not act like a "TOTAL BUTT HEAD" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
  
  6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • As a true Appalachian- American I'll say, those were funny! I especially liked the case of "Rectal-Cranial Inversion" (NT) -- Whiskey Eyes, 05:57:23 05/14/07 Mon

  ---

• In honor of Mother's Day -- Whiskey Eyes, 19:03:46 05/08/07 Tue
  I got this through email and nearly died laughing. I have no idea where this story originated, or if it's even true. I do know that it is funny. Hope you all enjoy!
  
  Subject: Chapstick
  
  So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died.
  Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him
  and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day
  long on this mat in our bathroom. Well, we have 3 kids and at the time
  of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The
  middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He
  kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one
  day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he
  could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the
  drawer when he was done.
  
  Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and
  try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My
  two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to
  nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up.
  Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a
  wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood. We
  finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I
  am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round
  the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was
  applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . rear end. Eli
  looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you
  know that he is right -- their little butts do look pretty chapped. And,
  frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind. And the only question to really
  ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to
  the cat's behind or the hundredth. And THAT is my favorite Mother's
  Day moment ever because it reminds us
  that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little
  creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been
  using your chapstick on the cat's butt.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Now that's funny! No matter how hard we try....amen to that. (NT) -- TanyaB, 19:16:13 05/08/07 Tue
  • Reminds me of when I went to use my toothbrush and gagged on the the taste of it. turns out my 3 year old was cleaning the sink overflow hole out with it. (NT) -- Lady Elizabeth, 11:34:32 05/09/07 Wed
    • Auch! I once caught my first son taking my toothbrush and carefully trying to adjust it to the dog's mouth. (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 21:59:19 05/13/07 Sun

  ---

• Funny one-liners -- Traci Mc., 21:07:06 05/09/07 Wed
  ' 'Tis a brave man who wears the kilt in January.' --Scottish saying
  'Veni, Vidi, Velcro' - I came, I saw, I stuck around.
  A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer and a mop.
  Above all else: Sky.
  Any twelve people who can't get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers.
  Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
  Do you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around the world, three quarters of them would drown?
  Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
  Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
  Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
  I before E except after C. We live in a weird society!
  Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
  Meanwhile, back at the ranch, tension mounted, clicked his spurs and rode off.
  Monarchs are acceptable, but we draw the line at Rulers.
  Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• How true! See inside reply... -- Lolkate, 06:24:26 05/07/07 Mon
  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:
  • In here>>> -- Lolkate, 06:25:24 05/07/07 Mon
    • Yep - used to work in local government, can totally relate to this! (NT) -- SueP, 18:35:30 05/08/07 Tue
  • This is REALLY FUNNY to me - I work with a bunch of architects! (NT) -- madelyn, 06:35:55 05/07/07 Mon

  ---

• Mothers Day is Coming -- DonnElaine, 15:21:05 05/01/07 Tue
  Since mothers day is coming I thought you'd get a laugh out of this video. I know I did.
  
  http://emuse.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/195
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • How did they sneak in my house and capture my two DS LOL (NT) -- Lady Elizabeth, 02:35:18 05/02/07 Wed
  • I saw this a couple years ago. If my DS had a sibling, I'm sure it would be like this. He'd be the one in the back. lol (NT) -- LadyGrace, 20:20:33 05/04/07 Fri
  • Thanks for the laugh! I saw this a couple years ago, but it was great to see it again. I do believe those are my two kids in 10 years. (NT) -- Cathryn_L, 10:50:38 05/08/07 Tue

  ---

• I have always loved these guys - for years, back when they were called LIFE IN HELL, not LIFE IS SWELL. -- Judie, 14:02:01 05/07/07 Mon
  .
  .
  
  
  Too funny. :D
  
  Judie
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Bedtime Story -- Jae-the-Girl, 20:19:41 04/30/07 Mon
  Husband and wife in bed together.
  
  She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
  
  She: "Oh, that feels good."
  
  His hand moves to her breast.
  
  She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
  
  His hand moves to her leg.
  
  She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
  
  But he stops.
  
  She: "Why did you stop?"
  
  He: "I found the remote."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • This could be our house!!!! (NT) -- AmandaW, 01:08:42 05/01/07 Tue
  • Hey you! Get outta my room, lol. (NT) -- LadyGrace, 07:20:28 05/07/07 Mon

  ---

• One in from Melva. :D -- Judie, 08:51:36 05/05/07 Sat
  .
  .
  
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • This is great! You wouldn't want to be up that creek without a paddle would you? (NT) -- Mari L., 12:20:23 05/05/07 Sat

  ---

• Making babies -- LadyBelle, 10:18:30 05/02/07 Wed
  The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
  
  
  "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
  
  
  "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
  
  
  "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat". After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
  
  
  "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
  
  
  "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
  
  
  "My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
  
  
  "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
  
  
  The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
  
  
  "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
  
  
  "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
  
  
  "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours,too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
  
  
  Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
  
  
  "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
  
  
  "Tripod?"
  
  
  "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
  
  
  
  Mrs. Smith fainted.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Too funny!! (NT) -- abby, 12:01:48 05/02/07 Wed
  • I'm a photographer, and enjoyed this a lot. (NT) -- Brookita, 23:06:15 05/02/07 Wed

  ---

• Now you know why Government is in the shape that it's in! (another oldie but goodie) -- annieo, 08:26:01 05/02/07 Wed
  Perhaps this will explain it all .
  
  A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!
  
  1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
  
  2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go
  to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa." Her response - click.
  
  3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin
  state!"
  
  4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it
  possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
  
  5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he
  could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will
  need a car to drive between gates to save time."
  
  6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to
  know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
  
  7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting
  her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
  
  8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"
  
  9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who
  asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."
  
  10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to
  Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"
  
  11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the
  documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I
  double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
  
  12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York" I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came
  back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal".
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• CHEERS TO THE WALMART GREETER! -- Jae-the-Girl, 19:42:39 04/30/07 Mon
  As I was retrieving a shopping cart in Walmart yesterday a particularly unkempt, unattractive and mean spirited woman who actually reeked of body odor pushed me aside. Shoving past me, the woman snarled at her kids, almost knocking another older lady down, grabbed the first cart and swung it around, hitting an older man working there as a Walmart Greeter.
  
  As she pulled the cart away from the Greeter's stomach, in a kind and friendly voice the Greeter said, while gesturing towards the two children,"Are they twins?" Glaring at him she snapped back saying, "No you old fool, the brat's 9 and the little witch is 7, are you so blind you think they look alike?"
  
  "No," calmly replied the Greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
  
  God loves those old people.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• You Can Be the Man of Your House -- FaeLass, 17:03:31 04/30/07 Mon
  The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE MAN of Your House." He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
  
  "You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptious dessert.
  
  "After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
  
  "Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
  
  "Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
  
  The wife replied, "The f***in' funeral director would be my first guess."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Another naughty one -- daisy, 21:19:47 04/27/07 Fri
  The Wedding
  
  
  My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over 2 years, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.
  
  It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
  
  One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
  
  Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
  
  I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
  
  Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
  With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said,
  We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better
  man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
  
  And the moral of this story is:
  
  Always keep your condoms in your car.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Oh man! I didn't see that one coming! (NT) -- TanyaB, 19:54:21 04/28/07 Sat

  ---

• Geriatric Wedding Night -- FluffyFogg (Alittle naughty but cute!), 09:06:04 04/26/07 Thu
  Geriatric Wedding night
  
  Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first. Back in those days there was no hanky-panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.
  
  Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years. However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition, and would have to tell Chester that they could not "do it." Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed.
  
  When she reappears in her satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started, he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as the nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.
  
  In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen up close since his own mother's. It is hanging there down to her belly button, gravity having taken its toll over some sixty years. He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going have to be helped a little more, so he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him.
  
  Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell
  Chester about her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, "Chester I have acute angina."
  
  
  Chester says, "I hope so, 'cause you've sure got ugly tits."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • "unroll downward' !!!! (NT) -- TanyaB, 10:50:37 04/26/07 Thu
    • ewwwww, what a lovely thought! (NT) -- alison, 08:51:04 04/27/07 Fri

  ---

• I found this from an Finnish site, I have no idea whether it is true or not - or even, what is Neiman-Marcus. But if it IS true, the lady's revenge was good. And if not... well, the story is good. (I have no idea how this story ended to a Finnish site, but... in Internet you have the whole world.) -- Margit, 11:25:44 04/24/07 Tue
  BISCUIT RECIPE
  
  This is a true story. Please forward when you finish reading! A little background: Neiman-Marcus, if you don't know already, is a very expensive shop; I.e. they sell a typical $8.00 t-shirt for $50.00.
  
  My daughter and I had just finished lunch at a Neiman-Marcus Cafe inDallas. Because both of us are such biscuit lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus cookie". It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe. The waitress said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not, but you can BUY the recipe." I asked how much, and she responded; "Only two fifty - it's a great deal!" I agreed to that, and told her to add it to my
  bill. Thirty days later, I got my VISA statement, and the Neiman-Marcus charge was $285.00. I looked at it again, and I Remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two sandwiches and about $20.00 for a scarf. At the bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe-$250.00". That was outrageous! I called
  Neiman's Accounting Department and told them the waitress had said it was "two fifty", which clearly does not mean "two hundred and fifty dollars" by any reasonable interpretation of the phrase.
  
  Neiman-Marcus refused to budge. They would not refund my money because, according to them; "What the waitress told you is not our problem. You havealready seen the recipe. We absolutely will not refund your money."
  
  I explained to the Accounting Department lady the criminal statutes which govern fraud in the state of Texas. I threatened to report them to the Better Business Bureau and the Texas Attorney General's office.
  I was basically told: Do what you want. Don't bother thinking of how you can get even, and don't bother trying to get any of your money back.
  
  I said, OK, you've got my $250, and now I'm going to have $250 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover in the world with an e-mail account gets a $250 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus... For free.
  
  She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do that." I said, "Well, perhaps you should have thought of that before you RIPPED ME OFF!" and slammed down the phone.
  So here it is!
  Please pass it on to everyone you can possibly think of. I paid $250 for this, and I don't want Neiman-Marcus to EVER Make another penny from this recipe!
  
  NEIMAN-MARCUS COOKIES
  (Recipe may be halved)
  
  2 (500 ml) cups butter
  24 oz. (680 g) chocolate chips
  4 (1000 ml) cups flour
  2 (500 ml) cups brown sugar
  2 tsp. (10 ml) (Bicarb) soda
  1 tsp. (5 ml) salt
  2 (500 ml) cups sugar
  18 oz. (500 g) Hershey Bar (grated).
  (Cadbury chocolate for Australians & South Africans)
  5 (1250 ml) cups blended oatmeal
  4 eggs
  2 tsp. (10 ml) baking powder
  2 tsp. (10 ml) vanilla
  3 cups (375 ml) chopped nuts ( optional )
  
  Measure oatmeal, and blend in a blender to a fine powder.
  Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla, mix together with flour, Oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and Bicarb (soda).
  Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar, and nuts.Roll into balls, and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet.
  Bake for 10 minutes at (180 °C) 375 degrees.
  The above quantities make ± 112 cookies.
  Enjoy!
  
  This is not a joke-it's a true story.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • This is so funny - it's been floating around for years. DH's secretary gave it to me in the early to mid 1990's. A coworker found it recently & thought it was new. Try the recipe!! It's really good regardless of whether this is true or not *G*. (NT) -- MaryJ, 20:00:24 04/24/07 Tue
  • I had always assumed that this was a true story, but on a lark I just checked Snopes and it's not! But it's funny, N-M has started selling cookies in response to it! I'll put the link inside. -- Jennifer P., 09:45:35 04/25/07 Wed
  • I've made these and they are good cookies but this recipe mades a HUGE batch. I'd suggest you cut it in half. (NT) -- RuthLass, 20:30:35 04/26/07 Thu

  ---

• Department of Agriculture -- Kyrie, 19:52:32 04/24/07 Tue
  Department of Agriculture
  
  
  
  Just Like a Gub'ment Official
  
  A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and
  talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your
  farm.'
  
  The old farmer said 'OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder.'
  
  The Agriculture representative said, 'Mr., I have the authority of the
  U. S.
  Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go
  WHEREVER I wish on any agricultural land....no questions asked or
  answered.
  Do you understand?'
  
  The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, he
  heard
  loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture Rep running for the
  fence
  and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was
  madder than a nest full of hornets. The bull was gaining on the Rep at
  every
  step.
  
  The Old farmer called out, 'Show him your card!! Show him your card!!'
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • I love it!!! (I'm a farmer & deal with them gub'mint guys from time to time...) (NT) -- annieo, 14:27:17 04/25/07 Wed

  ---