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• Beware the woman scorned!!!! -- gmt, 20:38:26 12/30/05 Fri
  
  She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
  suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her
  things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
  
  dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and
  feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of chardonnay.
  
  When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed
  half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of all of the
  curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
  
  When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the
  first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
  everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked
  for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung
  everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during
  which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to
  replace the expensive wool carpeting.
  
  Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to
  work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench
  any longer and decided to move.
  
  A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not
  find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the
  local realtors refused to return their calls.
  
  Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a
  
  new place.
  
  The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her
  the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she
  missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce
  settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had
  no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of
  what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that
  very day.
  
  She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
  
  A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the
  moving company pack everything to take to their new home........ including
  the curtain rods.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • sometimes things can be so simple! (NT) -- annieo, 16:38:37 12/31/05 Sat
  • I'm gonna do that if ever I need to. That's funny and so cool. (NT) -- ShiloD, 05:55:39 01/03/06 Tue
  • OMG, that's brilliant!!!!!! (NT) -- Whiskey Eyes, 12:52:41 01/03/06 Tue
  • OMG, I love that story. I´ll tell it whenever some guy is going to tell me again women don´t know what they want. (NT) -- Lady Morilka, 11:25:51 01/06/06 Fri

  ---

• The Married Life -- Lady McLillie, 20:39:15 01/03/06 Tue
  I hope the profanity isn't too much...I thought this was hilarious!
  
  A couple had only been married for two weeks.
  The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
  
  "Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
  
  "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
  
  The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the Refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 Different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
  
  The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of Saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know...they have frozen Glasses... "
  
  He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
  
  The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?
  
  " You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets , mushroom caps, and pork strips.
  
  "But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
  
  "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?
  
  LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"
  
  and , they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? --
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Just gorgeous!! Over here, two of our Big Brother stars who married after their series have just separated after 15 months because (according to the mag cover) he preferred drinking beer with the boys to nights at home with his wife. Guess she should have read this! (NT) -- Sheila, 19:09:02 01/04/06 Wed

  ---

• Long story -- DawnaL, 10:30:27 01/03/06 Tue
  Dawn the telephone rings.
  
  "Hello, Señor Lucky? This is Manuel the caretaker at your country house."
  "Ah yes, Manuel. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
  "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor, that your parrot died."
  "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
  "Si, Señor, that's the one."
  "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. "What did he die from?"
  "From eating rotten meat, Señor"
  "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
  "Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
  "Dead horse? What dead horse?"
  "The thoroughbred, Señor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
  "Are you insane? What water cart?"
  "The one we used to put out the fire, Señor"
  "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
  "The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
  "What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
  "For the funeral, Señor."
  "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
  "Your wife's, Señor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
  SILENCE.................
  "Manuel, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Why? -- gmt, 14:27:30 12/30/05 Fri
  Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
  
  Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
  
  Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
  
  Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
  
  Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
  
  Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
  
  Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
  
  Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  
  Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
  
  If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
  
  Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
  
  Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
  
  Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
  
  Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
  
  Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
  
  How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
  
  When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
  
  Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
  
  In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
  
  How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
  
  And my FAVORITE ...The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • These sound like Steve Wrigth lines! LOVE HIM!!! (NT) -- Lady_Jane, 10:44:30 12/31/05 Sat
    • Oops-- that should be Wright (NT) -- Lady_Jane, 10:45:52 12/31/05 Sat

  ---

• How did I get here ? -- oorjanie@hotmail.com, 09:08:13 12/30/05 Fri
  How did I get here ?
  
  
  
  
  A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get
  here?"
  
  Her mother told her, "God sent you."
  
  "Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
  
  "Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
  
  "What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
  
  "He sent them also," the mother said.
  
  "Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
  
  "Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
  
  "So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200
  years? No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here."
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Gift Wrapping Hints for Cat Owners -- Tooki, 20:59:24 12/03/05 Sat
  1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
  2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.
  3. Open door and remove cat from closet.
  4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
  5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
  6. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
  7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
  8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string.
  9. Remove present from bag.
  10. Remove cat from bag.
  11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
  12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
  13. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.
  14. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.
  15. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper.
  16. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the present came in.
  17. Place present on paper.
  18. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.
  19. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent sticky tape.
  20. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
  21. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
  22. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.
  23. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
  24. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase.
  25. Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper.
  26. Decide to skip steps 13-17 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper.
  27. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
  28. Remove sting, open box and remove cat.
  29. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked room.
  30. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper and materials.
  31. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and relock.
  32. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cat from outside door)
  33. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best)
  34. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last year as well.
  35. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.
  36. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.
  37. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job.
  38. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
  39. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion.
  40. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
  41. Go to store and buy gift bag.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Been there, done this! TOOOO FUNNY! (NT) -- LaurenG, 11:29:25 12/04/05 Sun
  • This is soooo my cat...Thanks for sharing!! (NT) -- EllenG, 06:01:39 12/06/05 Tue
  • Try this wi' four active, curious, and HUGE Maine Coon babies... And five or six more grown ups. The fun never ends... (NT) -- Tamara, of the Original Seven, 10:12:55 12/23/05 Fri
  • ROFL!!! Our dog would do the same exept she doesn´t fitt into normal sized boxes. (NT) -- Lady Morilka, 05:48:47 12/30/05 Fri

  ---

• P/C Season's Greetings -- Lally-girl, 05:47:18 12/30/05 Fri
  One last season's greetings wish.
  
  Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all...and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "America" in the Western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color,
  age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual orientation of the wishee.
  
  This wish is limited to the customary and usual good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. "Holiday" is not intended to, nor shall it be considered, limited to the usual Judeo-Christian celebrations or observances, or to such activities of any organized or ad hoc religious community, group, individual or belief (or lack thereof).
  
  Note: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher at any time, for any reason or for no reason at all. This greeting is freely transferable with no
  alteration to the original greeting. This greeting implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for the wishee her/himself or others, or responsibility for the consequences which may arise from
  the implementation or non-implementation of same.
  
  This greeting is void where prohibited by law.
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Waxing -- FareatailDreams, 23:24:15 12/02/05 Fri
  One Woman's Tale of Woe
  
  All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
  
  My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
  
  So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold
  the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
  
  With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the was strip across the right side
  of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
  
  I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
  
  I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
  
  
  
  I hold up the strip!
  
  There's no hair on it.
  
  Where is the hair???
  
  WHERE IS THE WAX???
  
  
  
  Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
  
  Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!!!!!!!
  
  
  
  I hear the slamming of a cell door.
  
  Vagina? Sealed shut!
  Butt?? Sealed shut!
  
  I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
  
  I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
  
  I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter
  -
  
  "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
  There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I
  give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot
  water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, my dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
  
  My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
  
  The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up
  
  .
  I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg
  at this point.
  
  Next week I'm going to try hair color......
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • remember to cite your sources!! -- Lilly, 07:27:23 12/03/05 Sat
  • ROTFLMAO! I'm reading this at work, with tears rolling down my face! How do I explain???????????? (NT) -- LaurenG, 11:15:31 12/04/05 Sun
  • the $50 for a professional bikini wax is totally worth it! (NT) -- Synova, 20:57:43 12/13/05 Tue
  • Laughed so hard that I cried...Loved It!! (NT) -- TaraB, 19:00:54 12/29/05 Thu

  ---

• The Lizard Birthing Story -- mary mckay, 12:13:18 12/07/05 Wed
  I found this on an old email, so maybe some of you have seen it. It's a little long (and vulgar) but if you persevere, I'm certain you will be rewarded with a laugh.
  
  Lizard Birthing Story
  
  If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:
  
  Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
  
  "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad, Can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
  
  "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
  
  "Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
  
  "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged.
  
  "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
  
  "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
  
  "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, ( in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
  
  "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
  
  "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)
  
  By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
  
  "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
  
  "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
  
  "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
  
  "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
  
  "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
  
  "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
  
  "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
  
  "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
  
  "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
  
  "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
  
  The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
  
  "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
  
  "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
  
  "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
  
  "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, the y um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
  
  We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.
  
  "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
  
  "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
  
  Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
  
  "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
  
  "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
  
  "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
  
  2 - Lizards - $140...
  1 - Cage - $50...
  Trip to the Vet - $30...
  Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker.....Priceless
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • don't lizards lay eggs? (NT) -- libby, 20:08:33 12/07/05 Wed
    • someone should tell the lizard that (NT) -- mary mckay, 06:11:33 12/08/05 Thu
  • I've heard this joke before...except it was hamsters. And yes, lizards lay eggs. Still funny tho! (NT) -- Leigh, 16:25:30 12/08/05 Thu
  • The Lizard Birthing Story -- TaraB, 18:57:53 12/29/05 Thu

  ---

• Doctor Dave -- Valerie H., 14:01:40 12/28/05 Wed
  Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
  No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. Guilt and a
  sense of betrayal were overwhelming. Every once in a while, though, he'd
  hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
  
  "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to
  sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last and you are single,
  so just let it go..."
  
  But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
  whispering.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Dave..................
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Dave..................
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Dave..................
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Dave.................
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Dave..................
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ...You're a veterinarian.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Snort Snort loved it! (NT) -- Lady Elizabeth, 17:41:07 12/28/05 Wed
  • OH HA!!! chortle. brilliant. (NT) -- annieo, 06:47:08 12/29/05 Thu
  • Giggle, Giggle! Loved it!!!! (NT) -- Whiskey Eyes, 09:34:37 12/29/05 Thu
  • TOO funny! (NT) -- LaurenG, 11:20:18 12/29/05 Thu

  ---

• Kids Sing The Darndest Things... -- Lady Stormwing, 06:20:13 12/24/05 Sat
  My DCousins, ages 12 and 8, came over the other day singing the following. I thought y'all might get a kick out of it, especially if you're tired of the "batman smells" version!
  
  To the tune of "Jingle Bells"
  
  Dashing through the snow
  on a pair of broken skis
  Down the slopes we go
  crashing into trees
  The snow is turning red
  I think I'm almost dead
  Now I'm in the hospital with ski poles in my head.
  
  Ahh, kids. *g*
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • I would have driven everyone crazy if I'd known this version when I was a kid! (NT) -- Linda S, 09:26:31 12/29/05 Thu

  ---

• Bloody Hell -- Lady Stormwing, 06:42:08 12/19/05 Mon
  I'm not sure how many of you have heard of "livejournal", but it's a community of bloggers, to make it simple. The other day I found the following rant, written by someone called "naamah_darling", and decided I had to share. I'm sticking it inside the first reply due to the length and..er..questionable language. The following rant is not for the male species or anyone drinking coffee, diet Coke, or any other beverage. You have been warned.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Bloody Hell... -- Lady Stormwing, 06:43:50 12/19/05 Mon
    • Thanks for the laugh, which hopefully cures my cramps at least a bit. Good timing... (NT) -- Margit, 06:37:00 12/20/05 Tue
    • HOLY $*&^!! That was hysterical!! (NT) -- Theresa S., 08:18:01 12/20/05 Tue
    • Now, That was funny!! I am happy to report that my husband has now accepted the "don't you touch me" growl without thinking it is totally against him. He now knows, you just don't go near that stick of lit dynamite. (NT) -- ShiloD, 19:04:59 12/20/05 Tue
    • That was brilliant. Just brilliant and utterly true. After having the plumbing removed a couple years ago, I must say - I cannot miss going through that. Have I forgotten?! How could I?! Too too funny... (NT) -- Tamara, of the Original Seven, 09:59:10 12/23/05 Fri
    • hilarity -- Jana, 10:14:44 12/28/05 Wed
    • Funniest thing ive read all year, and since its almost over, thats saying a lot. I think im going to print it out and put it in my desk drawer for the next time i need a good heartfelt laugh or need to horrify a guy snooping in my desk:) (NT) -- Brynn, 11:40:59 12/28/05 Wed
  • LOL! I'm glad you posted the spew warning first - baked chicken will never be the same. (NT) -- kgp, 10:48:16 12/19/05 Mon
    • Who would have thought that? I agree, chicken will never be the same. I'll never again test a chicken breast for doneness without thinking of DH. (NT) -- CathyS, 20:59:18 12/19/05 Mon
  • I never knew about hydrogen peroxide! How, um ... educational! Mind you, you have to admit there are a few valid points in there! (NT) -- Sheila, 17:42:38 12/19/05 Mon
    • Only a few?? (NT) -- Sabine, 03:37:07 12/22/05 Thu
  • I can especially relate to the rant on wings-my experience exactly! One of the best things about menopause is that this whole mess GOES AWAY! Yay! (NT) -- LaurenG, 07:56:26 12/20/05 Tue
    • Or better yet! Have a hysterectomy in your late 30s!!!! I did! What joy!!!! Changed my life!!! I was a new woman!!! (NT) -- Lolkate, 16:58:42 12/20/05 Tue
  • Or a hysterectomy in your early 30's.....*G* these are the days I do not miss, nor lament their passing! *BG* (NT) -- Karen H., 17:23:20 12/20/05 Tue
  • I SWEAR, I had a product with wings *walk* down my leg once. It was unbelievably embarrassing and most disconcerting!!! (NT) -- LindaT, 17:25:42 12/20/05 Tue
  • OMG, that is so funny. I've been a hyster-sister for 15 years now and it was the BEST thing I ever did. (NT) -- Bandruidh, 18:08:31 12/20/05 Tue
  • This timing was perfect! What a hoot! I'm praying for menopause!!! I'm too old for this $hit anymore!! (NT) -- CarolE, 20:46:43 12/20/05 Tue
  • Roomie's 18 year old daughter and I were just howling over this. Roomie is unsure of our sanity. ;) (NT) -- Mairghread, 21:31:54 12/20/05 Tue
  • It's 1:03am, the whole house is asleep but me and the dog, (who has inapprorpriate crotch sniffing issues) and I am laughing my butt off! Never will understand the whole wings concept myself except as a incredibly painful hair removal system. No matter, I'm pretty sure I've ranked up quite a few frequent flyer miles by now! (NT) -- Mary B, 22:47:46 12/20/05 Tue
  • OMG - Thanks for the spew warning. Should also warn people who answer the phone for a living not to read this while at work. I couldn't answer my phone calls because I was laughing too hard! I am so glad that I have joined the ranks of menopausal ladies! (NT) -- Linda S, 09:56:01 12/21/05 Wed
  • Another way to stop it (at least temporarily) is get pregnant (of course, that opens a whole new can of 'worms'):P (NT) -- Green Dragon, 10:16:19 12/21/05 Wed
  • DSister, who now uses said products for stress incontinence, often sends her retired USAF pilot husband to the store for these and other products. As he goes out the door she hollers after him, "NO WINGS!!!!" She was less than thrilled when a neighbor heard her and asked her DH (and was told) what she was hollering about. (giggle) Not being the trusting sort, it's been years since I've sent DH out for any such personal products. (NT) -- CathyS, 12:00:26 12/21/05 Wed
    • *rotfl", I'm just visualising the scene (NT) -- Sabine, 03:39:48 12/22/05 Thu

  ---

• SUV Black Boxes -- Mary, 10:10:45 12/23/05 Fri
  SUV BLACK BOXES
  
  The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the auto makers for the past 5 years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
  
  They were surprised to find in 41 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were,
  "Oh Sh *t !"
  
  Only the states of Oklahoma, Nebraska, Missouri, Kansas, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas, North Dakota were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try something."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!! Love it!!!! (NT) -- Sorcha, 10:48:55 12/23/05 Fri
  • We printed this one out and took it everywhere we went this weekend to share it. First real spew alert I ever needed!!! (NT) -- TanyaB, 10:00:02 12/26/05 Mon

  ---

• These guys are neighbors of mine... -- annieo, 17:48:43 12/16/05 Fri
  Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba,said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pullover and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • snerk! This is great! (NT) -- nimbus,, 15:06:02 12/25/05 Sun

  ---

• Oh, Christmas Tree! -- Ríanor, 04:14:53 12/24/05 Sat
  OH.... Christmas Tree
  
  When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of
  being behind schedule.
  
  Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
  
  When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
  
  Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
  
  So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
  
  He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
  
  Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
  
  And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Merry Christmas!
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • "Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, oh why am I talking to a Christmas tree?" (NT) -- Lady Stormwing, 05:57:22 12/24/05 Sat

  ---

• One of my favorites: A Christmas Carol by Tom Lehrer (written in the 1950s, I believe) -- Green Dragon, 08:16:29 12/22/05 Thu
  This includes his commentary from the live album. Tom was a math professor at Harvard who did 3 great albums in the 1950s/60s, many of his political/humor songs still being applicable 50 years later :)
  
  
  A Christmas Carol
  One very familiar type of song is the Christmas carol, although it is perhaps a bit out of season at this time. However, I am informed by my disk jockey friends, of whom I have none, that in order to get a song popular by Christmas time you have to start plugging it well in advance, so here it goes. It's always seemed to me, after all, that Christmas, with its spirit of giving, offers us all a wonderful opportunity each year to reflect on what we all most sincerely and deeply believe in - I refer, of course, to money. And yet, none of the Christmas carols that you hear on the radio, or in the street, even attempts to capture the true spirit of Christmas as we celebrate it in the United States, that is to say the commercial spirit. So I should like to offer the following Christmas carol for next year as being perhaps a bit more appropriate.
  
  Christmas time is here, by golly,
  Disapproval would be folly.
  Deck the halls with hunks of holly,
  Fill the cup and don't say when.
  
  Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens,
  Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens.
  Even though the prospect sickens,
  Brother, here we go again.
  
  On Christmas Day you can't get sore,
  Your fellow man you must adore.
  There's time to rob him all the more
  The other three hundred and sixty-four.
  
  Relations, sparing no expense, 'll
  Send some useless old utensil,
  Or a matching pen and pencil.
  ("Just the thing I need, how nice!")
  
  It doesn't matter how sincere it is,
  Nor how heart felt the spirit,
  Sentiment will not endear it,
  What's important is the price.
  
  Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
  Advertising wondrous things.
  God rest ye merry merchants,
  May ye make the Yuletide pay.
  Angels we have heard on high,
  Tell us to go out and buy!
  
  So, let the raucous sleighbells jingle,
  Hail our dear old friend Kris Kringle,
  Driving his reindeer across the sky.
  Don't stand underneath when they fly by.
  
  Actually, I did rather well myself this past Christmas. The nicest present I received was a gift certificate good at any hospital for a lobotomy... rather thoughtful.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Very clever - and unfortunately too true... (NT) -- Leslie, 23:59:08 12/22/05 Thu

  ---

• Too funny...hope it hasn't been done before! -- Karen H., 22:25:40 12/21/05 Wed
  The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen
  (to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)
  
  
  The restroom door said Gentlemen
  So I just walked inside
  I took two steps and realized
  I'd been taken for a ride
  I heard high voices turned and found
  The place was occupied
  By two nuns, three old ladies, and a nurse
  What could be worse?
  Than two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse.
  
  The restroom door said Gentlemen
  It must have been a gag
  As soon as I walked in there I ran into some old hag
  She sprayed me with a can of mace
  And snapped me with her bag.
  I could tell this just wouldn't be my day
  What can I say?
  It just wasn't turning out to be my day.
  
  The restroom door said Gentlemen
  And I would like to find
  The crummy little creep who had the nerve to switch the sign
  Cause I've got two black eyes
  And one high heel up my behind
  Now I can't sit with comfort and joy
  Boy, oh, boy
  No, I'll never sit with comfort and joy.
  
  
  
  --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • LOL! I love this song. My brothers and I actually sang this at our annual Christmas eve family dinner last year, much to everyone's amusement. Thanks for posting! (NT) -- Lady Stormwing, 04:04:00 12/22/05 Thu

  ---

• Jokes for Age 13 -- Sara G., 13:22:26 12/10/05 Sat
  Thought this post belonged here rather than on the Social Board...Can anyone help me out with limricks or short jokes that are suitable for a 13 year old boy??
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Straight from the pages of the latest Boy's Life....>>> -- kgp, 05:26:39 12/11/05 Sun
  • ...thanks & I didn't realize 13 year old humor was so lame (NT) -- Sara G., 16:45:50 12/11/05 Sun
  • My DS (who is 13) told us this the other day What will it take to get the Beatles to sing together again? Two more bullets. (NT) -- Margy, 05:35:55 12/12/05 Mon
    • Another of his : What did Lady Di wear to her funeral? A blue bonnet. (NT) -- Margy, 05:37:11 12/12/05 Mon
      • How lame am I - I don't get this one - hahahahahaha. (NT) -- Judie, 08:07:56 12/14/05 Wed
        • (the car was blue) (NT) -- M, 11:22:14 12/14/05 Wed
    • What do you call a judge with no thumbs? Justice Fingers. (NT) -- Margy again, 05:38:15 12/12/05 Mon
    • They really are alike, Margy!!! My DS adores this joke and tells it over and over. (NT) -- Pat, the Beatles fan, 04:08:36 12/21/05 Wed
  • ...keep 'em coming please (NT) -- Sara G., 19:18:20 12/12/05 Mon
  • A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, why do you have a steering wheel hanging on your pants?" The pirate answers "Arrr, it's driving me nuts!" (This must be said in pirate voice :) (NT) -- MaryC in KY, courtesy of my DS, age 9., 10:31:39 12/16/05 Fri
    • Hey, I heard that one recently from my 26 year old. They never change. (thankfully!) (NT) -- annieo, 07:13:10 12/17/05 Sat
      • Ths is true because while girls grow up to be women - boys grow up to be boys!!!!*VBG* Do you remember all those Mummy Mummy jokes and the elephant jokes from gthe 60s ???? They could do with another go around! (NT) -- Lolkate, 17:06:01 12/20/05 Tue
        • How can you tell that an elephant's been in the refrigerator? (Go inside>>>>>>) -- LaurenG, 08:28:45 12/21/05 Wed

  ---

• A Living Will -- annieo, 06:27:37 12/09/05 Fri
  
  
  
  A man and his wife were sitting together in the living room.
  He turned to her and said:
  
  "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent
  on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull
  the plug."
  
  His wife then got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all of his beer.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • He-he! (NT) -- Marg B, 19:05:41 12/09/05 Fri
  • I love this one! (NT) -- LaurenG, 08:01:00 12/20/05 Tue

  ---

• this is really funny but a wee bit long so go inside >>>>> -- oorjanie, 16:55:53 12/15/05 Thu
  HUCKING FILARIOUS !!
  
  INDERCELLA THE DYSLEXIC PRINCESS.
  (It's a scream from fart to stinish)
  
  Rindercella worked very hard - frubbing scloors, empting poss pits and
  shivelling shot.
  
  At the end of the day she was nucking fackered. The sugly isters were
  right bugly astards.
  
  One was called Mary Hinge and the other was called Betty Swollocks. They
  were really forrible huckers and had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.
  
  The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball but cotton runts wouldn't
  let Rindercella go.
  
  Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her
  name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.
  
  She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage
  with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.
  
  The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise
  there would be a cucking falamity.
  
  At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome young hince when
  suddenly the clock struck twelve.
  
  "For suck's fake !" yelled Rindercella as she ran out, tripping barse
  over ollocks and slopping her slass glipper.
  
  Next day the prandsome young hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the
  sugly isters let him in. Suddenly Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let
  off a fig bart.
  
  "Who's fust jarted ?" asked the prandsome young hince.
  
  "Blame that fugly ucker over there," said Mary Hinge.
  
  When the brinking stown cloud had lifted the prandsome young hince tried
  the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success. Their feet
  stucking fank.
  
  Betty Swollocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome young hince
  a nack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls
  and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it
  fitted

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • I read this a while ago (I think it was from the Two Ronnies) and it came to me while at my daughter's kindy concert. I kid you not ... -- Sheila, 17:48:41 12/19/05 Mon

  ---

• Ed Zachary Disease -- RosemaryQ, 09:12:47 12/16/05 Fri
  A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."
  
  The woman did as she was told.
  
  "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
  
  Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
  
  Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
  
  So she did.
  
  Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
  
  Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
  
  Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • hahahahaha - oh, that was funny! (NT) -- Margy, 14:25:11 12/16/05 Fri
  • Oh dear - took me aminute! (NT) -- Sheila - stilll spluttering, 17:43:49 12/19/05 Mon

  ---

• Fine wine -- Rebecca, 15:08:04 12/18/05 Sun
  Some of you may have heard this before but I thought it was pretty funny...
  
  Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Poor Harold - -- annieo, 05:13:34 12/17/05 Sat
  As a older man was driving down the freeway,
  his car phone rang.
  
  Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
  warning him, "Harold, I just heard on the news
  that there's a car going the wrong way on
  route 290. Please be careful!"
  
  "Hell," said Harold, "It's not just one car.
  It's hundreds of them !!!"
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Hee Hee -- Jessica M., 11:42:51 12/14/05 Wed
  What do you call a woman who does the work of three men?
  
  
  
  
  LAZY B!TCH
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Short Joke -- Lisa, 02:07:09 12/13/05 Tue
  What do men and clouds have in common???
  
  
  Eventually they go away and its a great day!
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Getting Old -- Florence, 13:43:07 12/11/05 Sun
  Good for a giggle at the old folks.
  
  A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
  They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that
  they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down
  to help them remember. Later that night while watching TV, the old man
  gets up from his chair.
  His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
  "To the kitchen" he replies.
  "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
  "Sure."
  "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
  "No, I can remember it."
  Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down
  because you know you'll forget it."
  He says. "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
  strawberries."
  "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd
  better write it down." she retorts.
  Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
  Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it,
  for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20
  minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate
  of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's
  the toast?"
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Thought these were funny - some anyways -- ladybeaton, 21:21:26 12/08/05 Thu
  Men are like ........Laxatives ...... They irritate the sh ! t out of you.
  
  Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
  
  Men are like ........ Vacations ...... They never seem to be long enough.
  
  Men are like ........ Weather ......Nothing can be done to change them.
  
  Men are like ........ Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
  
  Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
  
  Men are like ....... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
  
  Men are like ........ Department
  Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2
  off.
  
  Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to
  mature.
  
  Men are like ........ Mascara ....... They usually run at the first sign of
  emotion.
  
  Men are like ........ Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
  
  Men are like . Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
  
  Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
  
  Men are like ........ Parking
  Spots ........ All the good ones are taken,
  the rest are handicapped
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • HAHAHAH - good ones - men as lava lamps!! HAHA!! (NT) -- annieo, 06:30:15 12/09/05 Fri

  ---

• Another blonde joke - sorry but I couldn't resist -- Sheila - still laughing over red at docs from last week, 21:27:46 12/05/05 Mon
  A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
  lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the
  
  horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at its
  steady
  and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
  In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a
  firm
  grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite
  her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks. The horse continues
  to
  gallop along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
  Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away
  from
  the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has
  become
  entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's
  pounding
  hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again.
  As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
  from
  unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworth's
  trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Oh dear! (NT) -- Linda S, 10:13:00 12/07/05 Wed
  • Bwaaaaaaaaahahahahaha! Love it! (NT) -- Leigh, 16:26:34 12/08/05 Thu

  ---

• This may have been posted before, but I just couldn't resist -- Whiskey Eyes, 10:13:37 12/07/05 Wed
  Men Never Listen-
  
  
  In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said," You may use the Ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
  
  He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons He had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA,PP,and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.
  
  The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he
  knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was
  pushing the ATR button. "The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
  Your penis is under your pillow."
  
  Men Never Listen
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Who's Poor?! Not really a joke but the Social is too busy! -- Marilyn, 18:55:56 12/05/05 Mon
  One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people live.
  
  They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
  
  On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
  
  "It was great, Dad."
  
  "Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.
  
  "Oh yes," said the son.
  
  "So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
  
  The son answered: "I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
  
  We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a river that has no end.
  
  We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.
  
  Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
  
  We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.
  
  We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
  
  We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
  
  We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."
  
  The boy's father was speechless.
  
  Then his son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are."
  
  Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.
  
  Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
  
  Please pass this page on to friends and acquaintances to help them refresh their perspective and appreciation.
  
  "Life is too short, friends are too few. And don't drink cheap wine"
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Uh yea...that should read the "Social Board" is too busy!....oops (NT) -- Marilyn, 18:57:43 12/05/05 Mon
  • My BF's mum says that you should not eat the old bread first, because you will never get new bread that way and life is too short *g* (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 07:44:58 12/06/05 Tue

  ---

• Santa's willie -- DawnaL, 19:30:18 12/02/05 Fri
  Subject: Fw: : Santa in the nude
  
  Scroll down and you'll see Santa's willy! Whoo hoo
  gonna love this.
  
  *
  
  *
  
  *
  
  *
  
  *
  
  *
  
  *
  
  *
  
  *
  
  *
  
  *
  
  *
  
  *
  
  *
  
  *
  
  For Crying out loud.........Act your age........ there
  is no Santa
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Wrong Word -- Marilyn, 15:24:36 12/01/05 Thu
  
  A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
  
  So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
  
  The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
  
  Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
  
  He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the "R" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
  
  With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was 'celebrate'."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • HA HA HA!!!!! (though I had to read the word a few times before I got it :D ) (NT) -- Amalee, 20:39:47 12/01/05 Thu

  ---

• How men & women shower -- Debbie H, 20:01:41 11/28/05 Mon
  I hope this hasn't been posted before. I'm new to the LOL site. Is this how it is at your place?
  How to shower like a Woman:
  Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket
  according to whites and coloured. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
  If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups. Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean. Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.
  Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Exit Mould. Get out of shower.
  Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Check entire body for spots, tweeze hairs. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.
  ***********************************************************How to shower Like A Man:
  Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed. Leave in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound. Look at manly physique in the mirror. Admire size of your knob and scratch your ass.
  Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Make huge fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
  Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap. Shampoo hair. Make shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail
  to notice water on floor. Admire knob size in mirror again. Leave shower door open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her
  and make woo-hoo noise again. Throw wet towel on bed.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Oh yeah. Or as my DH says "I am not a shower kind of guy, I am a deodorant kind of guy" *g* (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 04:41:02 11/29/05 Tue
  • God... I really hope my husband doesn't pee in the shower! There are some things I just don't want to know about. (NT) -- alisonb, 05:40:23 11/29/05 Tue
    • Yep, he probably does. My DH says it's the warm water that encourages the urge. (NT) -- Someone who's DH has been there and done that, 04:00:25 12/01/05 Thu
  • I love this one, thanks for posting it.....it always makes me crack up! (NT) -- KathrynB, 13:44:25 11/29/05 Tue
  • he he he :D (NT) -- Amalee, 20:40:54 11/29/05 Tue
  • My own personal shower routine is not as thorough or intense as the womanly one above - but the manly one - HAHAHAHAHA SO TRUE!!! (NT) -- annieo, 20:59:39 11/29/05 Tue
  • Did you install a camara in my house to watch DH?? That's his whole routine!!! (NT) -- bwahahahaha!!, 18:26:37 12/01/05 Thu

  ---

• <b>GLUE!</b> -- Linda S, 07:21:01 12/01/05 Thu
  How come when you mix water and flour together
  
  you get glue?..
  
  and then you add eggs and sugar...
  
  and you get cake?
  
  Where did the glue go ?
  
  NEED AN ANSWER?
  You know darned well where it went!
  
  That's what makes the cake
  Stick to your BUTT!
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Signs of ageing -- Debbie H, 20:39:48 11/29/05 Tue
  I found this one in my keepers file and think it is worth a laugh.
  >> My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as
  >> sharp as it used to be.
  >> **********
  >>
  >>
  >> Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
  >> **********
  >>
  >>
  >> I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
  >> **********
  >>
  >>
  >> I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my
  >> body are just prone to swinging
  >> **********
  >>
  >>
  >> It's scary when you start making the same noises as your
  >> coffeemaker.
  >> **********
  >>
  >>
  >> These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast
  >> relief."
  >> **********
  >>
  >>
  >>
  >> Don't think of it as getting hot flushes. Think of it as your inner
  >> child playing with matches.
  >> **********
  >>
  >>
  >> Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
  >> **********
  >>
  >>
  >> Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow
  old
  >> because you stop laughing.
  >> **********
  >>
  >>
  >> THE SENILITY PRAYER
  >> Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
  the
  >> good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell
  the
  >> difference.
  >> **********
  >>
  >>
  >> Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10 Oh
  >> heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who
  >> they are....
  >
  >
  >
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • OMGoodness!! That is GREAT!!!!! (NT) -- JenieLee, 07:32:04 11/30/05 Wed

  ---

• Sherlock Holmes and Watson -- Lady Stormwing, 06:26:42 11/29/05 Tue
  It was a chilly night out on the moor, where Sherlock Holmes and Watson were camping. Having gotten their sleeping bags ready, they were lying on their backs, gazing up at the stars.
  
  "All those stars...what do you think it means, Watson?"
  
  "Well Holmes, I think it shows us how infinite the universe is, and how we are mere insignificant beings yet all part of the circle of life. On a spiritual plane, those stars represent what a truely omnipotent God there is, so powerful and so creative to have made what it is we see tonight. What do you think?"
  
  Sherlock sighed. "I think it means someone stole our tent."
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Hmmmm........ -- KathrynB, 06:18:45 11/25/05 Fri
  A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
  
  Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
  
  Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
  
  He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
  
  Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."
  
  The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back?".
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Bwahahaha!! Loved that one! Reminds me of the time my Da went in for a colonoscopy. Being the curious human being that he is, he wanted to be fully alert during the procedure and refused the sedation. While waiting to be wheeled into the procedure room, he was lying there with his eyes closed when a nurse came by, lifted up the sheet and took a good look at his penis and testicles. Dad said he just pretended to be asleep, but I thought he should have sat up and said "BOO!" (NT) -- Whiskey Eyes, 07:24:37 11/25/05 Fri
    • It would have served her right! (NT) -- Linda S, 07:44:17 11/25/05 Fri
    • My dad was at the hospital today, having a colonoscopy. (As a matter of fact!) When my mom called me today to give me an update, I read her the joke. She laughed and laughed. My dad got a big kick out of it. (NT) -- Nifty, 15:12:51 11/25/05 Fri
  • That was soooo funny. Thanks for the laugh! (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 04:46:01 11/29/05 Tue

  ---

• Christmas Eve(hope this is okay, if not sorry) -- LadyFrey, 19:32:30 11/28/05 Mon
  It was Christmas Eve and Santa was delivering gifts.
  At one house there was a beautiful woman sitting on the couch wearing a sexy negligee.
  
  The woman said "Santa won't you stay?"
  Santa said
  "Ho,Ho,Ho Santa has to go
  he has to deliver toys to
  all the girls and boys."
  
  The woman removes the negligee and is sitting there in her bra and panties and says "Santa won't you stay?"
  
  Santa said
  "Ho,Ho,Ho Santa has to go
  he has to deliver toys to
  all the girls and boys."
  
  So now the woman is naked and says
  "Santa won't you please stay?"
  
  Santa said
  "Hey,hey,hey
  Santa's going to stay
  cause he can't get up the chimney
  with his dick this way!"
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Pregnant Turkey? -- Donna Mc, 07:50:54 11/27/05 Sun
  I just got this email & HAD to share:
  
  PREGNANT TURKEY
  One year at Christmas my mom went to my sister's house for the
  traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
  play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the
  store.
  When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed
  the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey,
  and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the
  oven.
  When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the
  oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit
  something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
  With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia,
  you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying
  news, my sister started to cry.
  It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
  HAPPY THANKSGIVING Y'ALL!
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • HAAHAAHAAHOOHAA - reminds me of the time we got a call here at the farm from somebody who wanted to know where they could buy some rabbit eggs....oh dear...and they weren't kidding, either. (NT) -- annieo, 08:05:58 11/27/05 Sun
    • We have a Sweetgum tree which has little spikey, prickly seed pods slightly smaller than a pingpong ball. I tell my kids these are actually Porcupine Eggs!!! They get a big kick out of it. *g* (NT) -- Donna Mc, 14:27:25 11/27/05 Sun
      • Had big one of those in the yard when the kids were little. they used to make forts out of the "gumballs" and have wars with them. I used them to make wreaths at christmas... (NT) -- annieo, 17:50:05 11/28/05 Mon

  ---

• Said by patients during Colonoscopies -- Donna Mc, 07:47:58 11/27/05 Sun
  A little humor to brighten your day (just in case it needs to be brightened).
  
  
  
  Said by patients during Colonoscopies
  
  Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: !
  
  1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
  2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
  3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
  4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
  5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
  6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
  7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
  8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
  9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
  10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
  11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
  12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
  
  
  
  And the best one of all...
  
  13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here?"
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Having had that particular procedure performed upon my person, I vote for #10! Though they're all hilarious!! (NT) -- annieo, 08:08:38 11/27/05 Sun
  • My husband's doctor told him, "If you enjoy this, you're going to need to find another doctor next year!" (NT) -- LaurenG, 13:52:38 11/27/05 Sun
  • HAHAHAHAHAH....LMAO.......ROTF............I have to tell these to the nurses in my dept (surgery of course!). (NT) -- Linda S, 19:43:33 11/27/05 Sun

  ---

• The Trouble with Harry -- MiladyM, 16:44:20 11/17/05 Thu
  A first-grade teacher, Ms.Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
  Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
  
  Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, Ms. Brooks explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks that he would have to give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions, he was to stay in the first grade and behave. She agreed.
  
  Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him, and he agreed to take the test.
  
  Principal: "What is 3 times 3?"
  Harry: "9"
  
  P: "What is 6 times 6?"
  H: "36"
  
  And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and said, "I think Harry can go to the third grade."
  Ms. Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
  
  Ms. Brooks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
  Harry: "Legs."
  
  Ms. B: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
  The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!
  H: "Pockets."
  
  Ms. B: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
  H: "Pants."
  
  Ms. B: "What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
  The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
  H: "A coconut."
  
  Ms. B: "What goes in hard and pink and then comes out soft and sticky?"
  The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer...
  H: "Bubble gum."
  
  Ms. B: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down, and a dog does on three legs?"
  The principal was trembling.
  H: "Shake hands."
  
  Ms. B: "What word starts with an F and ends in K that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
  H: "Firetruck."
  
  The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth grade. I got the last seven questions wrong..."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • oh I enjoyed this giggle, thanks (NT) -- leslie, 21:30:25 11/17/05 Thu
  • Too funny! (NT) -- LaurenG, 14:04:06 11/27/05 Sun

  ---

• The Ostrich (may have seen this one here before - still funny!) -- annieo, 12:37:07 11/22/05 Tue
  A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
  
  The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
  
  This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
  
  "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
  
  "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
  
  "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
  
  The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
  
  The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!"
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Love this! (NT) -- LaurenG, 13:56:51 11/27/05 Sun

  ---

• Just heard this one - hopefully I can tell it well here:) -- lady beaton, 14:12:29 11/25/05 Fri
  A lady & baby go to the doctor's office and go to see the doctor and he asks what the problem is and she says well the wee one here isn't eating and the doctor says is he breast fed or bottle fed and she says breast fed and the doctor says ok let's have a look here and unbuttons her shirt and starts to feel her breasts. he says well well the problem is you have no milk there for him and she says well i should hope not as i'm his grandmother! ~~maybe you've heard it before but it's still funny~~
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • yes it is!! what a hoot! (NT) -- annieo, 08:10:01 11/27/05 Sun

  ---

• The Rhea Farmer -- Tooki, 22:32:22 11/23/05 Wed
  A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own business. Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.
  
  His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.
  
  The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy. There was one small problem. The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill. The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.
  
  It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of "dye a rhea".
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • That's just not right. :-) (NT) -- MelvaT, 00:23:02 11/27/05 Sun

  ---

• The English Language -- Tooki, 22:49:13 11/05/05 Sat
  The English Language - it is a bit tricky - check this out :-
  
  1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
  
  2) The farm was used to produce produce.
  
  3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
  
  4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
  
  5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
  
  6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
  
  7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
  
  8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
  
  9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
  
  10) I did not object to the object.
  
  11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
  
  12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
  
  13) They were too close to the door to close it.
  
  14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
  
  15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
  
  16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
  
  17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
  
  18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
  
  19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
  
  20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
  
  21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
  
  
  Let's face it-English is a crazy language.
  
  There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
  
  English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
  
  Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
  
  We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
  
  And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
  
  If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?
  One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
  
  Isn't it crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
  
  If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
  
  If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
  
  In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital, ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
  
  Have noses that run and feet that smell?
  How about this? You park in the driveway and drive on the parkway? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
  
  You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
  
  English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
  
  That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Annieo - the stuff you post here just cracks me up! This one was in a similar vein to your lexophile one, thought it might give you a wry grin or two! (NT) -- Tooki, 22:50:46 11/05/05 Sat
  • Excellent excercise and something to think about for the one who does not speak (nor write) Englis as mother tongue. Thank you! (NT) -- Margit, 02:04:15 11/06/05 Sun
  • Oh WOW that's GREAT!!! I copied and saved it!! (NT) -- Noelle, 02:59:22 11/06/05 Sun
  • But we have to admit that other languages are quite as crazy. In German for example, we also have feet that smell and noses that run. And we also have other lunacies which do not correspond to the ones listed above. For example if we talk about a "young girl" the person is frequently older than a "girl" - strange, isn't it? (NT) -- Inga - one of the lurkers, 04:37:45 11/06/05 Sun
    • Well, Inga, English gets a lot from German (and bits & pieces from French and Latin) so I bet that's where we got the feet that smell and the noses that run! (NT) -- Lady Naiad, 20:01:03 11/25/05 Fri

  ---

• Helpful Hints! -- Linda S, 09:01:42 11/23/05 Wed
  If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
  
  Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
  
  Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. Or shower..........(you know you do)
  
  For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
  
  A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
  
  If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
  
  Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
  
  Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
  You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
  
  Remember:
  Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  
  Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
  
  If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
  
  And finally, be really nice to your family and friends. You never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • LOL, loved your helpful hints. (NT) -- LadyFrey, 10:20:46 11/23/05 Wed
  • HAHAHA!! but i don't know if fear would quell my urge to cough. It wouldn't be pretty!!! (NT) -- annieo, 13:53:04 11/23/05 Wed
  • I especially love the one about never passing up the opportunity to go to the bathroom. My sister tells a story about a queen who was asked how, in any situation, she always managed to maintain her composure. Her response was that she never failed to take the opportunity to use the facilities. It's become my motto - this bladder's just not what it used to be. (grin) DH used to think it was funny - as he gets older his needs are pretty close to mine. One of life's little equalizers. (snerk) (NT) -- Cathy S, 10:52:00 11/24/05 Thu
  • I am a rabid fan of WD40 and Duct tape!! I kept the pipes under thekitchen sink from leaking for 2 years with a wash cloth and Duct tape!!! (NT) -- TanyaB, 19:46:58 11/25/05 Fri

  ---

• Juvenile, I'll admit it - but cracked me right up!!!!!!!!! hahahahahaha! -- Judie, 23:44:16 11/19/05 Sat
  .
  .
  Rules of pooing at work
  
  As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO
  is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the
  Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
  
  CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the
  office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff
  but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not
  stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
  make sure the smell has left your pants.
  
  FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a crapper before pooing. Walk
  in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the crapper, leave
  and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
  may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
  crapper.
  
  ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
  urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a
  sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
  acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to
  the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an
  escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing
  makes both parties feel uneasy.
  
  JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a
  machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a
  hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle
  until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness
  of what just occurred.
  
  COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant
  the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has
  to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the
  WALK OF SHAME.
  
  WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the
  door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
  uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts,
  it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with
  the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
  
  OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is
  proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the
  bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look
  around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the
  bathroom.
  
  THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who
  band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This
  group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
  Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
  
  SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building
  where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly
  of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex
  entering the bathroom.
  
  TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in
  the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
  shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at
  work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar
  leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
  
  CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into
  the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a
  WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
  used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
  
  ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential
  Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all
  doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the
  bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
  
  WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the
  toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
  Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
  
  HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of
  loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try
  using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
  
  UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around
  forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or
  sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on
  the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is
  empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • OMG!! Too funny, I had to share it with the DH! Thanks for a really good laugh Judie! -- Jennie B, 04:41:46 11/20/05 Sun
  • Juvenile is good!! Thanks for the laughs!! (NT) -- annieo, 10:10:55 11/20/05 Sun
  • Do you have a name for placing 5/6 layers of toilet paper on the water prior to pooing, in order to avoid splash down? Softens the landing, aye? (NT) -- Sheila, 02:05:27 11/21/05 Mon
    • The guys at work call that a 'lillypad' and they will usually leave it in there for everyone to see. I only know this because DH & I work together and unfortunately have to hear all about the gross jokes the guys pull. (NT) -- Noelle, 03:08:00 11/21/05 Mon
    • Ohmigod!! I do the lillypad!!! Ha! I laughed hysterically over all of this because it's so familiar. And yes...I have my Safe Havens. :-) (NT) -- Nifty, 15:27:01 11/25/05 Fri
  • OMG!!! I don't think I've EVER laughed so hard EVER will reading anything on the internet. I gotta make copies of this to bring to work. (NT) -- Noelle, 03:10:40 11/21/05 Mon

  ---

• help please:) -- lady beaton, 07:43:02 11/23/05 Wed
  hi, i wanted to post a joke - it's with photos tho - but wasn't having much luck - i just have it as a forward in an email. could anyone help me with what to do next? thanks alot. lady beaton
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • What I did on my post was copy and paste the text from my e-mail into the message box. I don't know how that would work for a picture but it might be worth a try. (NT) -- Linda S, 10:00:20 11/23/05 Wed
  • thanks for the suggestion:) (NT) -- ladybeaton, 14:13:48 11/25/05 Fri

  ---

• AUSSIE BARBECUE SEASON - Does this happen anywhere else? -- Sheila, 18:17:40 11/24/05 Thu
  Aussie Barbecue Season
  After 4 long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up
  to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh
  your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as
  it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably
  because there is an element of danger involved.
  
  When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of
  Events are put into motion:
  
  Routine...
  
  1) The woman buys the food.
  
  2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
  
  3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray
  along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the
  man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
  
  Here comes the important part:
  
  4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
  
  More routine....
  
  5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
  
  6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
  
  He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
  
  Important again:
  
  7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
  
  More routine.....
  
  8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
  
  9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
  
  And most important of all:
  
  10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking
  efforts.
  
  11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Kiwi men are no different! (NT) -- Tooki, 22:04:03 11/24/05 Thu
  • That was so true!!! I will admit though , my Dh does prepare his own meat and actually puts foil on the plate so I can wrap it all up together. I have wondered for years why men cannot prepare sidedishes when cooking. (NT) -- ShiloD, 05:17:22 11/25/05 Fri
    • its all a plot you see :D you gotta appear incompetent in the kitchen- most women can't stand that and they shoo you outa there :D or at least that's what I've heard.... hheheh (NT) -- Mac!, 06:33:03 11/25/05 Fri
  • I would be happy if my DH did this much! At our house I do all the prep and the BBQ too. He does do the beer part though! (NT) -- Linda S, 07:42:15 11/25/05 Fri

  ---

• Red Heads -- Noelle, 16:58:28 11/22/05 Tue
  THE REDHEAD
  A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office
  and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
  "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
  The redhead takes her finger,
  pushes on her neck and screams,
  then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony.
  She pushes her knee and screams;
  likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.
  Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
  The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
  "Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
  "I thought so," the doctor says.
  "Your finger is broken."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Good One - I love blonde jokes being blonde myself! (NT) -- Linda S, 09:05:33 11/23/05 Wed
  • Just gorgeous! (NT) -- Sheila, 18:18:54 11/24/05 Thu

  ---

• Bless our Teachers -- OchAye..Marilyn, 06:57:30 11/22/05 Tue
  KIDS ARE QUICK (and SMARTER) THESE DAYS!!
  ***************************************************************************
  TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
  MARIA: Here it is.
  TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
  CLASS: Maria
  **************************************************************************
  TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
  FRANK: Because of the sign.
  TEACHER: What sign?
  FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
  ***************************************************************************
  TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
  JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
  ****************************************************************************
  TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
  GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
  TEACHER: No, that's wrong
  GLENN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
  *****************************************************************************
  TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
  DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
  TEACHER: What are you talking about?
  DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
  ******************************************************************************
  TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
  WINNIE: Me ...!
  *******************************************************************************
  TEACHER: Guss, why do you always get so dirty?
  GUSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
  ********************************************************************************
  TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
  MILLIE: I is...
  TEACHER: No, no Millie ..... Always say, "I am."
  MILLIE: All right ... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
  *********************************************************************************
  TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped
  down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
  LOUIS: Sure, because George still had the axe in his hand.
  ***********************************************************************************
  TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
  SIMON: No mam, I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook.
  ************************************************************************************
  TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's.
  Did you copy his?
  CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
  *************************************************************************************
  TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
  HAROLD: A teacher.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • HAHAHA!! from now on I'll spell it Krokodial! - makes sense, no? (Marilyn, did i see on the map that you're in leesburg VA? if that really was you, howdy from spotsylvania. if not, howdy anyway!) (NT) -- annieo, 12:40:47 11/22/05 Tue
    • Yes annieo - I am in Leesburg! I believe there are several other hosers here in VA as well, I'm farily new around here. We should all get together sometime! (NT) -- OchAye..Marilyn, 13:33:06 11/22/05 Tue
      • That would be great fun. A few of us in the Fredericksburg area get together now and then. My brother has a PT business just up the road from you in purcellville. maybe we could do lunch sometime! Happy Thanksgiving!! (NT) -- annieo, 13:55:28 11/23/05 Wed

  ---

• It's Good to be a Woman -- OchAye..Marilyn..<I>no offense to the LallyLads</I>, 15:07:48 11/21/05 Mon
  It is good to be a woman:
  
  1. We got off the Titanic first.
  
  2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
  
  3 Taxis stop for us.
  
  4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
  
  5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
  
  6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
  
  7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
  
  8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
  
  9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
  
  10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
  
  11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
  
  12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
  
  13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
  
  14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
  
  15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.
  
  Send this to all the bright women you know and make their day!!!!!
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND -- annieo, 07:20:59 11/19/05 Sat
  I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. (sorry for the yelling - that's how they came to me)
  
  These are REAL notes written by REAL PARENTS in a US school district...(Spellings have been left intact.)
  
  1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
  2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT.
  3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32. AND ALSO 33.
  4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.
  5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.
  6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
  7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
  8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
  9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.
  10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.
  11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT]. (Love it!)
  12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
  13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.
  14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!}
  15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.
  16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.
  17-- SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE HAVE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL.
  18-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that one!}
  19-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.
  20-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.
  21-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.
  22-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.
  23-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER, SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • OMG annieo!!! These were HILARIOUS! I was laughing so hard I was crying. These were great! Thanks! (NT) -- Sarah La - who will be triple checking all notes to school, 16:53:09 11/20/05 Sun
  • OMG. They just can't be true *lol*. Thank you. And I did laugh out loud. (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 01:03:41 11/21/05 Mon

  ---

• This is a wee crude but here it goes... -- Noelle, 11:48:19 11/16/05 Wed
  A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass... while he is on fire. Further studies are expected
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • ROFL - tears in my eyes - hahahahahahahaha. (NT) -- Judie, 23:43:09 11/19/05 Sat

  ---

• Didja hear what the new movie about Johnny Cash is called? -- Beladona, 18:42:02 11/18/05 Fri
  
  
  
  ....Joaquin The Line.
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Another groaner.... I love them! (NT) -- Linda S, 20:21:06 11/18/05 Fri
  • HAHAHA - an example of perfect casting!! (NT) -- annieo, 07:23:29 11/19/05 Sat

  ---

• What is a chapter in a dirty book called? -- Beladona, 18:33:01 11/18/05 Fri
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ....piece of tale!
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • Groan....... (NT) -- Linda S, 20:19:01 11/18/05 Fri

  ---

• Scottish thriftiness -- New Scotty, 17:45:51 11/18/05 Fri
  Following the death of an Aberdonian (native of Aberdeen), the grieving widow phoned the local newspaper to post a death notice. After giving the clerk all of the required information, she was informed that she still had space for a further four words at the same price. She quickly added "Ford Fiesta for sale".
  
  Oh, btw, this is not an ethnic slam - I am a Scot!
  

  [Edit]
  

  ---

• Face Lift -- OchAye..Marilyn, 07:37:25 11/03/05 Thu
  A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called, "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a new face lift. Of course the woman wanted "The Knob."
  
  Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.
  
  After fifteen years she returned to the plastic surgeon with two problems.
  
  "All these years, everything has been working just fine."
  
  "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
  
  The doctor looked closely at her and said "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
  
  She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."
  

  [Edit]
  
  Replies:

  • OMYGOD!!! (NT) -- J.M, 15:05:36 11/03/05 Thu
    • what she said!!!! (NT) -- pammyj, 08:51:55 11/18/05 Fri
  • That is a good one. (NT) -- LadyFrey, 17:41:03 11/03/05 Thu

  ---