Create a New Forum Owner Login Contribute & Create Your Member account VoyUser Login (see contribute) VoyForums Directory/Categories No-ads: Completely remove ads from your forum VoyForums Homepage VoyForums News Help Desk VoyForums Exchange FAQ - Frequently Asked Questions Search VoyForums

[ VoyUser Login optional ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, [9], 10 ]

• For all you OFMBs out there (see Polls & Surveys Board) -- annieo, 06:28:50 08/26/06 Sat
  A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
  
  On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
  
  While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
  
  The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."
  
  The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
  
  "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way, he says, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley we'll be there in no time."
  
  The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
  
  The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
  
  The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • I laughed out loud! (NT) -- Florence, 23:39:37 08/27/06 Sun

  ---

• Know because of TV -- Jessica, 02:58:45 08/18/06 Fri
  Things You Wouldn't Know Without The Tube All Of Life's Mysteries Are On TV
  
  If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
  
  If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
  
  All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
  
  All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
  
  It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
  
  Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
  
  The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
  
  You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.
  
  Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
  
  The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
  
  People of TV never finish their drinks.
  
  A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  
  The chief of police is always black.
  
  When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
  
  If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
  
  Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
  
  During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
  
  Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
  
  Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
  
  Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
  
  A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
  
  If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
  
  Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
  
  Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
  
  All single women have a cat.
  
  Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
  
  Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
  
  One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
  
  Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
  
  If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"
  
  Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
  
  It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
  
  During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
  
  When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
  
  Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
  
  Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
  
  When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
  
  Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
  
  No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
  
  If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
  
  You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.
  
  Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
  
  Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
  
  Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
  
  All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
  
  It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
  
  Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
  
  Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
  
  A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
  
  If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • heeeheeee...that was pretty good! :) (NT) -- Chirre, 03:14:38 08/18/06 Fri
  • And if you have to phone somebody, you always have exact coins in your pocket and the next telephone box is somewhere very near, perhaps two steps (and free and working.) Have they ever heard of mobile phones? (NT) -- Martgit, 06:07:14 08/18/06 Fri
  • Also, if you're in a strange house full of dangers, the smartest thing to do is split up to investigate without turning on any lights. (The X-Files employed this tactic frequently.) Most dangerous criminals, such as murderers, will also take the time to patiently explain their motives before attempting to kill you. (NT) -- Lady Stormwing, 09:18:41 08/18/06 Fri
  • Also, if you're followed by someone and you're in a staircase, never walk down to where the exit is, always go upstairs towards the roof and the dead-end. *g* (Loved the bit about the Eiffel tower and foreigners speaking English among themselves) (NT) -- Pat, 16:47:59 08/18/06 Fri
  • If you're a girl running away from danger, always fall down. (NT) -- Carol P, 10:54:50 08/19/06 Sat
  • And there is always always always someone (or someTHING!) lurking in the stairwell of a parking garage. so no one EVER parks on the first level. (NT) -- annieo, 17:32:43 08/19/06 Sat
  • Don't forget if someone is chasing you with a butcher knife you should make sure you are wearing high heels so you can fall and twist your ankle! (NT) -- Melanie B, 19:13:45 08/26/06 Sat

  ---

• Dumb Bonde? -- Carol P, 10:43:20 08/25/06 Fri
  A well-dressed, beautiful, naturally blonde, dark-eyed woman walked into the main office of a New York bank and asked to see the loan officer. After a short wait, she was ushered into his office and greeted with the usual, “How may I help you?”
  
  The blonde said, “I am leaving very soon on a flight to Europe where I have two weeks of business to attend to. I want to borrow $5,000—just in case…if you know what I mean.”
  
  The loan officer told the woman that it would be hard to arrange a loan on such short notice. Seeing her frown, he asked, “Do you have anything for collateral?”
  
  The blonde replied, “See that new Rolls Royce parked in front of the bank? It’s mine; here are the keys. I would ask only that you take good care of it.”
  
  With that, the loan officer quickly produced the $5,000. He handed the keys to a junior officer and instructed him to park the Rolls in the bank’s private garage.
  
  Two weeks later, the blonde returned. She handed the $5,000 cash to the bank manager who had, in fact been waiting to meet her, telling him she hadn’t used the cash. The charge for her “loan” for two weeks gone was $17.85.
  
  “Here are your keys,” he told her. “If you wish, I can have one of my employees bring the car around for you. But before I do, I must share something with you. While you were gone, I did some checking on you and learned that you are a multi-millionaire. How is it, madam, that you would borrow money from a bank when you have millions of dollars of your own?”
  
  “Well,” the blond said, “where else could I safely park my Rolls Royce in New York City for two weeks for only $17.85?”
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Hehe..This is first 'dumb blonde' joke I've seen where she's actually pretty smart. (NT) -- Marilyn, 15:18:42 08/25/06 Fri

  ---

• good news -- Lady Elizabeth, 10:19:51 08/25/06 Fri
  I have good news and bad news," the drill sargent said to his platoon one morning. "The good news is Thompkins is setting the pace for our run this morning." The platoon broke out in cheers because overweight Thompkins was the slowest guy in the group. "The bad news," the sargent continued, "is Thompkins will be driving a truck."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Grannies on the Road -- annieo, 17:27:00 08/19/06 Sat
  
  Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.
  
  He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!"
  
  So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
  
  Approaching he car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
  
  The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"
  
  The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.
  
  A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
  
  "But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? "These women seem awfully shaken."
  
  "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 127."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Lovely!! (NT) -- Sheila, 00:12:13 08/25/06 Fri

  ---

• EEEWWWWW!!!!!! -- Green Dragon, 06:32:30 08/22/06 Tue
  A Sgt-Major in the Black Watch goes into the local fix-it shop and lays out a condom on the table. It has a small rip in it.
  
  "Can ya fix it,man?"
  "Aye, but it'll cost ye two pounds."
  
  So the Sgt-Major turns on his heel and marches out.
  
  About an hour later, he marches back in.
  
  "Two pounds, ye say?"
  "Aye"
  "Very well. The regiment accepts your proposal."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • GROSS!!!!! (but funny) (NT) -- annieo, 19:15:32 08/24/06 Thu
  • I must be thick, I had to read this three times! (NT) -- Sheila, 00:06:33 08/25/06 Fri

  ---

• Cussing -- annieo, 19:22:53 08/24/06 Thu
  
  
  A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
  
  The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
  
  The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
  
  The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
  
  When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
  
  WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
  
  She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
  
  "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Had to laugh AnnieO, in the aftermath of a telling off by DH my DS used a word involving ass this morning. Our response was not quite the one shown here, but it did involve soap. (NT) -- Sheila, 00:04:45 08/25/06 Fri

  ---

• Groaner... -- Green Dragon, 07:12:15 08/21/06 Mon
  The hospital chief is showing the Health Minister round a new hospital of which he is very proud.
  
  The Minister is taken round all the wards - surgical, cardiac, orthopaedic etc.
  
  They come to the last ward on the round, for which the Minister is grateful, feeling ready for the slap-up lunch and drinks the hospital are giving him.
  
  There are three beds in this ward, and the Minister goes up to the first and says, “And how are you today?” “Wee sleekit cow’rin’ tim’rous beastie, O what a panic’s in thy breastie…”
  
  ‘Eh?” thinks the Minister, but goes on to the next bed, keeping lunch in mind.
  
  “And what’s wrong with you, my dear chap?” he says. “Scots wha hae wi’ Wallace bled, Scots wham Bruce has often led…” bawls the patient.
  
  “Oh, Christ” thinks the Minister, “still only one more to go till lunch.”
  
  To the third and last patient he says, forcing a smile, “Are you feeling better now?” “Oh, my luve is like a red red rose, Which newly sprung in June…” moans the patient.
  
  The Minister turns to the hospital chief and says quietly, “Is this the psychiatric ward?”
  
  “Oh no,” says the chief, “this is the serious Burns unit.”
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Ouch!!! LOL! (NT) -- TheresaS, 12:41:25 08/24/06 Thu

  ---

• Scared of flying? On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. -- Carol P, 10:14:06 08/23/06 Wed
  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:
  • oops, sorry for the mis-post (NT) -- Carol P, 10:25:59 08/23/06 Wed

  ---

• Scared of flying?Going long, inside>>>> -- Carol P, 10:22:54 08/23/06 Wed
  On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt... one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps... He whispers... "Iron this, and get me something to eat."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Fire Engine -- Madelyn, 11:23:54 08/22/06 Tue
  A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
  
  The fireman walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration.
  
  "Thanks," the girl replied
  
  The fireman looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
  
  "Little Partner," the fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
  
  The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • This is sick and stupid but it's given me the best laugh I've had in days!! (NT) -- Wee, 05:12:58 08/23/06 Wed

  ---

• Fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant... -- Jessica, 02:53:41 08/18/06 Fri
  "I finished the Oreo's."
  "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
  "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
  "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
  "Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
  "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
  "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
  "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
  "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
  "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
  "Get your *own* ice cream."
  "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
  "Got milk ?""Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
  "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
  "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."
  "Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!"
  "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Or as DBIL said to me as I lay on the floor to ease back ache "Wow! Call Project Jonah!" (The local org who deal with whale strandings....) (NT) -- Tooki, 01:39:28 08/21/06 Mon

  ---

• Just a bottle of Merlot -- annieo, 17:23:25 08/19/06 Sat
  
  
  A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman.
  The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.
  
  She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read:
  
  "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
  
  After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
  to return this to the woman. It read:
  
  "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty
  million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Very clever, I like this one. (NT) -- Margy, 04:18:27 08/20/06 Sun

  ---

• Pancakes -- annieo, 17:21:37 08/19/06 Sat
  Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
  
  After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
  
  The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
  
  "Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "All of those, for me?"
  
  "Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• RETIREMENT BONUS -- annieo, 17:19:49 08/19/06 Sat
  The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
  
  The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
  
  The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
  
  The third one was a grizzly old Chief Warrant Officer, who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."
  
  It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
  
  The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.
  
  "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
  
  The old Chief calmly replied,
  
  "Vietnam."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• There's a lesson in this . . . -- Madelyn, 07:40:44 08/18/06 Fri
  My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
  
  My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was braless. One day, “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome.
  
  She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
  
  Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
  
  When she reached the top, she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
  
  I opened the door and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping.
  
  With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
  
  And the moral of this story is: ALWAYS keep your condoms in your car.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Bawwwww loved it! (NT) -- Lady Elizabeth, 11:39:15 08/18/06 Fri

  ---

• You know you are getting older when: -- Mairghread, 20:17:16 08/16/06 Wed
  
  
  1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
  
  2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
  
  3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
  
  4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
  
  5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
  
  6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
  
  7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
  
  8. When happy hour is a nap.
  
  9. When you're on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.
  
  10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to You, and you always hated it.
  
  11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
  
  12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
  
  13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
  
  14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
  
  15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
  
  16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
  
  17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
  
  18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
  
  19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
  
  20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
  
  21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
  
  22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
  
  23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
  
  24. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
  
  25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
  
  26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
  
  27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
  
  28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Didn't know whether to laugh or cry - but I was laughing through it all the way anyway.... (NT) -- LadyLam, 22:06:21 08/17/06 Thu

  ---

• Purportedly, a true story..... -- Melva T, 15:43:37 08/16/06 Wed
  A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee. The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck woman smiled demurely. Pull yourself together! she chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children; you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!
  
  The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction. When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change---but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or
  in a holder on the counter or something. But no ice cream cone was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman, "You put it in your purse."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • I love it! Made my day. (NT) -- Lady Elizabeth, 19:04:08 08/16/06 Wed

  ---

• there is a lesson in this...somewhere -- ANNA (amused), 08:42:13 08/16/06 Wed
  This is truly an amazing story...
  >
  > A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.
  >While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
  The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.
  As carefully and as gently as he could, he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
  The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its
  face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
  Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
  The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
  Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son.
  As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
  turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted its front foot off the ground, then
  put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man.
  The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
  >
  > After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.
  The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared
  back in wonder.
  >
  > Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing,
  severely injuring him.
  >
  > Probably wasn't the same elephant
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • That is NOT the ending I was expecting!! (NT) -- Wee, 09:12:12 08/16/06 Wed

  ---

• Pinch me -- Judie, 22:40:38 08/11/06 Fri
  .
  .
  A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.
  
  The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
  
  Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!"
  
  The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.
  
  The manager comes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
  
  Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!" and doing so draws an even bigger crowd!
  
  In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
  
  In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!"
  
  The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • OH MY GAWD!!!! (NT) -- Noelle, 02:30:02 08/12/06 Sat
  • Love it! :-D (NT) -- Chirre, 05:25:23 08/15/06 Tue

  ---

• Question -- Lady Elizabeth, 19:09:35 08/11/06 Fri
  If they can send one man to the moon.......
  
  
  Why can't they send them all?
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Bwahahahahaha! (NT) -- Leigh, 23:37:03 08/11/06 Fri
  • If men came from Mars...............................why can't they send them back? (NT) -- Sharyn, 22:58:19 08/14/06 Mon

  ---

• PMS + Light Bulbs -- Lisser, 12:24:22 08/14/06 Mon
  Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
  
  A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Yep. That's me. Don't even have to have PMS, I'm afraid... (NT) -- Pat, 13:05:25 08/14/06 Mon
  • Hey have you been ease dropping in my house? Ain't this the truth thou? IT DRIVES ME NUTS! LOL (NT) -- Lady Elizabeth, 17:54:18 08/14/06 Mon

  ---

• Research -- Jessica, 14:55:56 08/11/06 Fri
  A study in Scotland showed that the kind of "male face" a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is post-menstrual she may be attracted to plain facial features. When pre-menstrual she can be attracted to more feminine features in a man. If she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with a pair of scissors shoved in his temple.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY... -- Jessica, 14:58:03 08/11/06 Fri
    • *SNERK* (NT) -- Whiskey Eyes, 14:27:05 08/13/06 Sun

  ---

• Anger Management (in first reply) -- annieo, 10:36:11 08/12/06 Sat
  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:
  • Anger Management (hope I did this right) -- annieo, 10:37:12 08/12/06 Sat
    • OMG, totally feel like doing this some days... (NT) -- LissC, 20:10:23 08/12/06 Sat

  ---

• Pregnant Turkey -- JenK, 08:48:08 08/10/06 Thu
  Ok... hope this doesn't offend anyone... but it's funny!
  
  Pregnant Turkey
  
  
  
  One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house
  
  for the traditional feast.
  
  Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.
  She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
  When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey,
  
  and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
  When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
  With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia,
  
  you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news,
  
  my sister started to cry.
  
  
  It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • LOL, that's something my sis might have fallen for at one time! (NT) -- LissC, 20:09:44 08/12/06 Sat

  ---

• Cowboy Boots -- Page, 18:48:12 08/09/06 Wed
  Margaret and Bert are in California. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
  
  Margaret looks him over. "Nope."
  
  Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
  
  Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
  
  Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
  MARGARET?"
  
  "Nope." she replies.
  
  "IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
  
  To which Margaret replies...
  
  
  "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • OMG, LMAO. (NT) -- MelanieK, 09:54:49 08/10/06 Thu
  • ROFLMFWAO!! (NT) -- LissC, 20:08:42 08/12/06 Sat

  ---

• My hero -- annieo, 10:24:10 08/12/06 Sat
  
  
  A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
  
  "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
  
  "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
  
  "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!"
  
  St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
  
  "Just a couple minutes ago."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Don't mess with Texas!! (no insult intended - use whatever group you'd like to make fun of!) -- annieo, 10:19:02 08/12/06 Sat
  Two hunters from Texas hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
  
  They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.
  
  The two Texans objected strongly. "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
  
  Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
  
  Unfortunately, even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after takeoff.
  
  Climbing out of the wreck, one Texan asked the other, "Any idea where we are?"
  
  The other replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Cowboy joke - from the UK! -- Kirsten, 07:56:44 08/12/06 Sat
  A cowboy rode into town, tied up his horse, lifted its tail and pressed a big smacking kiss on its arsehole. When asked why he did this he replied that he had chapped lips and he didn't lick them for days after doing this so they healed up quickly.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Deliciously vicious -- Louise_C_H, 00:38:14 08/02/06 Wed
  Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress!
  
  Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused.
  
  "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it", she replied.
  
  Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
  
  Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!"
  
  NOW I ASK YOU: IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Now that's brilliant!! (NT) -- Noelle, 02:47:16 08/02/06 Wed
  • Perfect thinking. Hope I'm never up against that kind of a lady! (NT) -- Helka, 05:17:33 08/02/06 Wed
  • someone splain this to me.. ??? (NT) -- Mac, 20:02:59 08/02/06 Wed
    • She upstages the upstart #2 wife by wearing the dress before #2 wife does. Particularly cunning as the #2 wife will not have a chance to shop again before the wedding. :) (NT) -- Kim G, 23:03:39 08/02/06 Wed
  • Pure class!! (NT) -- Sheila, 21:59:56 08/02/06 Wed
  • Okay, this is weird! My sister's name is Jennifer and she is getting married next year. Thankfully our parents have not divorced, so there's no wife #2, but I reckon that's what my mum would say if there was!! (NT) -- Sharyn, 00:58:07 08/03/06 Thu
  • The bride's mother is my kinda girlfriend! LOL! (NT) -- Leigh, 23:28:22 08/11/06 Fri

  ---

• Schnauzer Joke -- Judie, 22:42:18 08/05/06 Sat
  .
  .
  My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.
  He found that the problem was hair in its ears, so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
  
  The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from happening again, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.
  
  The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
  
  At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
  
  The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."
  
  The druggist say, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
  
  The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either.
  
  If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
  
  
  ===================
  
  
  
  OHMIGOD - I was ROFL. :D
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Never called it that! (NT) -- Sheila, 23:21:05 08/05/06 Sat
  • :-D (NT) -- Chirre, 03:18:49 08/08/06 Tue
  • OMG! Too freakin' funny! I have to print this out and take it to my pharmacist boss! ROFLMAO! (NT) -- Leigh, 23:24:48 08/11/06 Fri

  ---

• Smart Wife -- Page, 19:03:30 08/07/06 Mon
  One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
  "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • at LEAST!!!! (NT) -- annieo, 04:40:51 08/08/06 Tue
  • heeeheeeheeeeeh! :) (NT) -- Chirre, 06:12:32 08/09/06 Wed

  ---

• Simple Cure -- annieo, 04:38:47 08/08/06 Tue
  Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"
  
  "Just put yourself in my hands for 1 year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me 3 times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
  
  "How much do you charge?"
  
  "$80 per visit," replied the doctor.
  
  "I'll sleep on it," said Jerry.
  
  Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.
  
  "Well 80 bucks a visit 3 times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"
  
  "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
  
  "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Heh-he-hee... So cute! (NT) -- Margit, 12:36:13 08/08/06 Tue

  ---

• Silent Treatment -- Lady Elizabeth, 18:11:45 07/19/06 Wed
  A man and his wife were having some problems at home
  and were giving each other the silent treatment.
  Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to
  wake him
  at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
  Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
  piece of paper,
  "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
  The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
  had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
  hadn't wakened him,
  when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
  The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
  Men are not equipped for these kinds of contest
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Why can't men learn to use the stupid ALARM CLOCK!!! :) Mine can't use it either :P (NT) -- Green Dragon, 07:54:38 08/08/06 Tue

  ---

• Yard Sale -- kgp, 10:32:43 08/07/06 Mon
  .
  .
  A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood.
  
  Suddenly he realized there was a nude couple making love out on the lawn.
  
  Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree.
  
  Then he saw an other couple behind some bushes by the house.
  
  He walked up to the door of the house and knocked.
  
  A well-dressed woman answered the door and the man asked
  what kind of a place this was.
  
  "This is a brothel," replied the madam.
  
  "Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
  
  "Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • *groan* (NT) -- Wee, 05:51:48 08/08/06 Tue

  ---

• A letter to your pets -- AB, 14:32:20 08/07/06 Mon
  Dear dogs and cats,
  The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not mean it becomes your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
  The stairway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
  I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep!
  It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to one another stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm and disrespect.
  For the last time, there is not a "secret" exit from the bathroom.
  If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or stick your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for years-canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
  The proper order is to kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's rear end. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND! I cannot stress this enough.
  
  To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
  RULES FOR NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND ALWAYS COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS
  1 They live here. You don't.
  2 If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture (that's why they call it "fur"nature).
  3 I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
  4 To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.
  
  Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and, if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • *snort* Now if I could only get my cat to read this... (NT) -- Lady Stormwing, 20:39:47 08/07/06 Mon

  ---

• Gas -- Lady Elizabeth, 15:46:41 08/06/06 Sun
  I went to the gas station and asked the attendant for $5 worth of gas...... he farted and gave me a receipt.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • sorry but i have been giggling about this all day (NT) -- Lady Elizabeth, 15:47:24 08/06/06 Sun
  • Hahaha....that's about all you'll get these days. (NT) -- Noelle, 15:51:42 08/06/06 Sun

  ---

• A guy has a girl friend named Wendy who convinces him to tatoo her name on his *ahem*... but when it was soft, all that showed was W and Y . -- littlebit, 05:51:34 07/12/06 Wed
  One night they go out and he goes to the restroom. He sees a tall Jamaican guy standing at the urinal next to him and notices a "W Y" tattoo on his, too.
  
  He hesitates then asks the guy if his girlfriend's name is Wendy too. The guy replies "No, why?"
  
  He explains that his girlfriend had him get "Wendy" tatooed and it too only shows W Y when it's soft. Then he asks they guy... so what's your tattoo say when it's hard, anyway?
  
  The guy replies "Welcome to Jamaica, have a
  nice day!"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Oh yah, Mon!!! IRIE!! (NT) -- annieo, 15:48:27 07/12/06 Wed
  • OOOOO K. that one caught me by suprise!!! (NT) -- TanyaB, 17:30:42 07/12/06 Wed
  • Well he didn't have a littlebit, did he *g*? (NT) -- Sheila, 17:45:35 07/12/06 Wed
  • Had to forward this one to a friend. She heard it years ago like this........ -- DawnaL, 20:12:34 07/13/06 Thu
    • Or the one where Shorty became Shorty's Bar and Grill Chattanooga Tennessee (NT) -- still grinnin', 13:09:07 07/21/06 Fri
  • Why can't I stop picturing Shaggy(the singer) in this scenario. LOL nt (NT) -- Lady JessicaMae, 12:44:26 07/14/06 Fri
  • Is this a good time to tell you that my DH has a tatoo very similar to the Jamaican's? It says "Welcome to Finland. Land of the midnight sun. Have a nice day. (NT) -- Lady Lukkarinen, 06:55:30 07/18/06 Tue
  • The first version of this I read when I was abt 10 yrs old was a version of two nurses and a sailor. The older nurse said, there was written SOS and the younger find out that the text was "Sunny greetings from the Island of Galapagos". (NT) -- Margit, 02:20:24 08/06/06 Sun

  ---

• The Anniversary -- Lady Elizabeth, 15:37:01 08/02/06 Wed
  Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
  really mad at him. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a
  gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
  
  The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
  Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
  
  Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • THE B@STARD!!! My anni is in a few weeks hope the DH doesn't come home with a not-so-funny gift like this. He'd be in the same place as Ed. (NT) -- Noelle, 15:12:33 08/04/06 Fri
  • That one caught me. I;m sitting here with my mouth hanging open going "Oh my God!" (NT) -- TanyaB, 18:00:04 08/04/06 Fri
  • Haven't been here in a really long time, Thanks for the chuckles! (NT) -- LadyDuBois, 07:23:53 08/05/06 Sat
  • ROFL! (NT) -- Judie, 22:44:44 08/05/06 Sat
  • Couldn't laugh harder nor longer whatever would come (NT) -- Anonymous (weighting roughly 230 lbs), 02:13:35 08/06/06 Sun

  ---

• Midlife -- Mairghread, 13:55:59 07/28/06 Fri
  Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
  
  Midlife women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.
  
  Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
  
  Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like splat!
  
  Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.
  
  The good news about midlife is the glass is still half-full.
  
  Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Snerk! :) (NT) -- bethistle, 17:19:02 08/04/06 Fri

  ---

• Elephant Memory -- Carole M, 08:21:18 07/31/06 Mon
  An elephants memory
  
  
  A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
  college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a
  young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
  
  The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very
  carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's
  foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the
  foot.
  
  As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn
  out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put
  down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather
  stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man
  stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
  
  Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked
  away.
  
  The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that
  day. Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with
  his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of
  the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at
  the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted it's
  front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that
  several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't
  help wondering if this was the same elephant.
  
  After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare
  at him.
  
  The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and
  made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant
  and stared back in wonder.
  
  Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk
  around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth
  along the railing, killing him.
  
  Probably wasn't the same elephant.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • I don't know why I am laughing. (NT) -- Louise_C_H, 01:12:51 08/01/06 Tue
    • Me neither. Why was that so funny? (NT) -- LadyBelle, 12:27:22 08/01/06 Tue
    • I'm still laughing while I cut and paste....hehehe (NT) -- Alissa, 04:54:38 08/03/06 Thu
  • Haha I giggled at that more than is healthy I think! (NT) -- Deb H, 13:47:12 08/04/06 Fri

  ---

• Ask a stupid question . . . -- madelyn, 11:58:19 07/31/06 Mon
  I have two a Labrador Retrievers.
  
  I was buying a large bag of Purina dog food at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
  
  The woman behind me asked if I had a dog
  
  On impulse, I told her no, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the Intensive Care Unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
  
  I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. Since the food is nutritionally complete and perfectly healthy, I decided to try it again.
  
  I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, just hanging on my every word, particularly the guy behind the woman I was describing the diet to.
  
  Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me
  
  I said "No, I was sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.”
  
  I thought the guy was going to need a towel as he staggered to the door, laughing like hell.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • I've seen this before - just can't remember where *g*! Still funny ... (NT) -- Sheila, 01:32:44 08/01/06 Tue

  ---

• Cremated husband -- Sheila, 04:18:07 07/30/06 Sun
  Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
  Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the Patio table.
  
  Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
  
  "Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
  
  She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
  "Herman, remember that car you promised me?
  
  Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
  
  Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
  
  "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me?
  
  Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
  
  Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said,
  
  "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?"
  
  
  
  
  
  Here it comes...........
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Dangerous Situation -- Marilyn, 12:20:25 07/28/06 Fri
  You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side
  is a sharp drop-off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the
  same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your
  horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the
  same speed as you and the kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of
  this highly dangerous situation?
  
  If you do not know, see answer below.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Is this from personal experience Marilyn? (NT) -- Sheila, 21:25:50 07/28/06 Fri
    • LOL ummm No Sheila, if I was on a Merry Go Round drunk, I'd be puking and not even realize I was in danger ;) (NT) -- Marilyn, 19:40:46 07/29/06 Sat

  ---

• Where's God? -- Melva T, 21:47:45 07/27/06 Thu
  Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
  The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town has been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
  The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
  
  So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
  The boys mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide eyed and his mouth hanging open.
  So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is
  God?"
  Again, the boy made no attempt to answer The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boys face and bellowed, "Where is God?"
  
  The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
  The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble
  This time."
  
  "GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Cake or Bed? -- poppet, 11:03:15 07/27/06 Thu
  A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
  FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
  HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
  IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.
  FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
  WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS. HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FORHEAD?!! I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH..I'M GOING TO THE BAR!SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................................... HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME. WHEN HE GETS HOME HE REALIZES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. HONEY, HE ASK! S, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE. HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE? SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.. DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • oops...meant for it to be inside..sorry about the way it is put together, I copied and pasted from an email (NT) -- poppet, 11:05:54 07/27/06 Thu

  ---

• Another OOPS! - always good for a smile. -- annieo, 04:45:57 07/26/06 Wed
  Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.........
  
  WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
  
  HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
  
  WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
  
  HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
  
  WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
  
  HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
  
  WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
  
  HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
  
  WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
  
  HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
  
  WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
  
  HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
  
  WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
  
  HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
  
  WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
  
  HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
  
  WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
  
  HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
  
  WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
  
  HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed"
  
  
  
  WIFE: -- silence --
  
  HUSBAND: "Oops!"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• The North Carolina Mountain Man -- LadyBelle, 07:03:29 07/25/06 Tue
  Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
  On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber shaved off all his hair.
  On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That
  afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
  On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Sunday Morning Sex -- AB, 13:53:15 07/21/06 Fri
  I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...
  
  Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
  Sarah went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
  grandmother and comfort her.
  
  When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
  replied, "he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
  
  Horrified, Sarah told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having
  sex would surely be asking for trouble.
  
  "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
  age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
  start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...
  Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong."
  She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
  
  "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • HAHAHA!! Always striving for perfection!! (NT) -- annieo, 06:16:56 07/22/06 Sat
  • Just lovely, ours plays Greensleeves, interesting thought! (NT) -- Sheila, 15:25:55 07/22/06 Sat
    • Ha Ha - I didn't even think about this before I posted the joke, but ours plays Pop Goes the Weasel. (NT) -- AB, 22:54:09 07/22/06 Sat
      • nice. I dont think i could imagine a more perfect song:) (NT) -- Brynn, 21:38:01 07/24/06 Mon

  ---

• Tampons and cigarrettes -- Lady Elizabeth, 19:21:58 07/20/06 Thu
  A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
  The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
  He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
  She directs him down the correct aisle.
  A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
  She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
  He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigaret tes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
  So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
  (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Oh oh - dead man walking!!! Doesn't he know you don't mess with a woman having her period??!! *bg* (NT) -- SueP, 13:44:48 07/22/06 Sat

  ---

• Yet another use for Viagra -- annieo, 12:29:22 07/20/06 Thu
  A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn.
  
  He is taken to the hospital by ambulance and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.
  
  With his skin already starting to blister and noting the severe pain he is in, the doctor goes ahead and prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.
  
  The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do for him now, Doctor?"
  
  The doctor replies "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Don't forget your underwear -- Lady Elizabeth, 09:47:56 07/19/06 Wed
  Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.
  
  From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal- Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassy. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Great one! (NT) -- TheresaS, 13:13:19 07/19/06 Wed
  • So this is a TRUE story? (NT) -- Lady Tait, 13:16:35 07/19/06 Wed

  ---

• Sex in the Dark -- devenhuis, 05:14:12 07/18/06 Tue
  There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
  Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
  Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
  She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
  She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these
  years? You better explain yourself!"
  The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
  
  Send this to 5 people or else you'll have a bad sex life FOREVER!
  
  (hope this counts!)
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • OMG!!!! That is so funny!!!! (NT) -- Alissa, 05:20:29 07/18/06 Tue
  • OOPS!!! (NT) -- annieo, 08:51:44 07/18/06 Tue
  • Can you imagine the gulp that followed that? (NT) -- Sheila, 00:23:20 07/19/06 Wed
  • Yikes!! (NT) -- Noelle, 02:44:59 07/19/06 Wed

  ---

• Better With Age -- RobynB, 14:45:09 07/17/06 Mon
  A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads...
  Dear Wife,
  I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."
  When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows...
  Dear Husband,
  I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND, you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Oooh - clever! (NT) -- Sheila, 00:14:19 07/19/06 Wed

  ---

• Top Ten Country Music Songs (minding your delicates natures, lads and lassies...) -- annieo, 15:13:22 07/10/06 Mon
  
  
  10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
  
  9. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long.
  
  8. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
  
  7. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
  
  6. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better.
  
  5. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
  
  4. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.
  
  3. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now.
  
  2. My wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
  
  And the Number One song is . . .
  
  1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • lol...I believe #9 really is a song!!! (NT) -- Lady Stormwing, 19:19:44 07/10/06 Mon
  • A band in Finland has made a song from the #1 - just with those words... And the band is called "Freud, Marx, Engels and Jung". Their textes are mostly quite humorstique ones. (NT) -- Margit, 01:04:25 07/11/06 Tue
  • hahahahahahaha (NT) -- poppet, 14:48:54 07/18/06 Tue

  ---

• This one is always makes me smile - -- annieo, 08:50:43 07/18/06 Tue
  God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him,
  
  "Lord, we don't need You anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."
  
  "Oh, is that so? Tell me." Replies God.
  
  "Well," Says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
  
  "Well, that's interesting. Show Me."
  
  So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
  
  "Oh no, no, no." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Little Green Men -- annieo, 05:35:49 07/14/06 Fri
  Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying,
  "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
  
  The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
  
  The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you" The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
  Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!
  
  The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad." "Rubbish, " replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.
  
  There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
  
  About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head.
  
  "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien." He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
  
  The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with Him!"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Too Funny! I called my dad at in the hospital and read it too him. He got a good laugh out of it. (NT) -- Whiskey Eyes, 11:08:50 07/15/06 Sat

  ---

• Revenge of the Blonde -- annieo, 05:42:23 07/14/06 Fri
  Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Texas rancher.
  
  One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
  
  So, the rancher leaves for the fields.
  
  After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.... right here."
  
  Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
  
  "That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Amy explains very confidently.
  
  Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" She turns to walk away, and with complete indifference says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are: >>> come inside - this is long: (I love N° 2 & 15) -- LadyLam, 21:06:59 07/11/06 Tue
  ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST Once again, The Washington Post
  has published the winning submissions to its yearly
  contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
  meanings for common words. The winners are:
  
  1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
  
  2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you
  have gained.
  
  3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat
  stomach.
  
  4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
  
  5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.
  
  6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you
  absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
  
  7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.
  
  8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.
  
  9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up
  after you are run over by a steamroller.
  
  10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
  
  11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.
  
  12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
  proctologists.
  
  13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.
  
  14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation
  with Yiddishisms.
  
  15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The
  belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof
  and gets stuck there.
  
  16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts
  worn by Jewish men.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • I loved these last time, thanks!!! 5, 7, 12 and 16 are also very good! (NT) -- Sheila, 17:49:49 07/12/06 Wed
    • You're right - those are good ones too... Sorry if this is a repeat- I must have missed it first time round. (NT) -- Lady Lam (signing in from work), 00:07:31 07/13/06 Thu
      • No I didn't mean these words Lady Lam, last year's set of words - sorry!! (NT) -- Sheila, 01:43:16 07/13/06 Thu

  ---

• There is such a thing as knowing too much… -- devenhuis, 07:00:40 07/12/06 Wed
  
  It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
  The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
  She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
  "Very good!" approved the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"
  Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
  The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
  She heard a loud whisper from the back of the classroom: "Screw the Mexicans!"
  "Who said that?" she demanded.
  Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
  At that point, another student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
  The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
  Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
  Another student yelled, "You're INCREDIBLE!"
  Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
  Now, with almost mob hysteria, the teacher said, "You little punk ... if you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
  Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
  The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're in BIG trouble now!"
  Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
  Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro and another student shouts "Duck"!
  Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?"
  Pedro answered: "Dick Cheney, 2006!"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Things a stressed woman may say at work.... got this from lucyann. too funny! -- oorjanie, 07:57:01 06/15/06 Thu
  Subject: THINGS A STRESSED WOMAN MAY SAY AT WORK
  
  1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.
  
  2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
  
  3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
  
  4. Well, aren't we a goddamn ray of sunshine?
  
  5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
  
  6. Do I look like a people person?
  
  7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
  
  8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
  
  9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
  
  10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and
  senseless acts of self-control?
  
  11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
  
  12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
  
  13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
  
  14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
  
  15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't
  gone to sleep yet!
  
  16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
  
  17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
  
  18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
  
  19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
  
  20. Wait ... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  
  21. Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done.
  
  22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  
  23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
  
  24. Earth is full. Go home.
  
  25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
  
  26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
  
  27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
  
  28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
  
  29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
  
  30. Look deeply into my eyes ... Do you see one ounce of give-a-shit?
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Love those. Do they come also as t-shirts? *g* (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 08:13:46 06/15/06 Thu
    • My thoughts exactly....shall we? (NT) -- LucyAnn, 08:33:30 06/15/06 Thu
      • i'm sure cafe press would do a good job! hehe (NT) -- oorjanie, 10:49:29 06/15/06 Thu
        • I have #2 on a t-shirt! Gets laughs all the time. I've said #9 to a boss who hated bubble wrap, once *G*. (NT) -- littlebit, 05:46:01 07/12/06 Wed
    • Great minds think alike!! These were great! And people DO stand in my aura! :) (NT) -- Chirre, 23:55:47 06/15/06 Thu
  • Writing a few of those down for work today.... (NT) -- Sian Elizabeth, 08:56:59 06/15/06 Thu
  • I so agree about the bubble wrap. Everyone in my family knows to save it for me. (NT) -- Brookita, 17:37:03 06/15/06 Thu
    • And when you don't have any, Clickit here (NT) -- Tooki, 21:33:49 06/15/06 Thu
      • LOL! Must have mo-o-ore! (NT) -- kgp, 10:46:05 06/16/06 Fri
        • hehe that's so funny! (NT) -- oorjanie, 11:54:50 06/16/06 Fri
      • Oh God, where did you find that!!No snerking here, laughed out loud, which doesn't happen often!! Thanks Tooki. (NT) -- Sheila, 19:28:42 06/16/06 Fri
  • And to think I pay good money to BUY this stuff!!! (NT) -- Froggielady Lori, 12:53:11 06/28/06 Wed

  ---

• The Voodoo Penis -- Lady Stormwing, 21:34:17 07/07/06 Fri
  Inside...
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • in here... -- Lady Stormwing, 21:36:00 07/07/06 Fri
  • THAT is funny! (NT) -- MaryJ, 10:18:50 07/08/06 Sat
  • Would have like to have seen that! (NT) -- Sheila, 01:37:36 07/09/06 Sun
    • Are you sure?? *G* (NT) -- Chirre, 23:52:11 07/11/06 Tue

  ---

• Middle aged woman -- Sheila, 21:06:28 07/11/06 Tue
  A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital
  
  
  
  While on the operating table she had a near death Experience
  
  Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
  
  God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.
  
  Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift,
  liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair
  colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well
  make the most of it.
  
  After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
  the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
  
  Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40
  years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
  *
  *
  *
  *
  *
  God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Outch! :) (NT) -- Chirre, 23:48:55 07/11/06 Tue

  ---

• Pity! -- devenhuis, 10:16:39 07/10/06 Mon
  Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.
  
  After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.
  
  Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never ascend to the Papacy. No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • *groan* cute one! (NT) -- Lady Stormwing, 19:21:13 07/10/06 Mon

  ---

• Women's Translations -- Kyrie, 13:58:43 07/09/06 Sun
  WOMEN'S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED
  
  Yes = No
  
  No = Yes
  
  Maybe = No
  
  I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
  
  We need... = I want
  
  It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
  
  Do what you want... = You'll pay for this later.
  
  We need to talk... = I need to complain
  
  Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.
  
  I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
  
  You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
  
  You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
  
  Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
  
  This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
  
  I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
  
  Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
  
  I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
  
  Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
  
  How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
  
  I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
  
  Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
  
  You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
  
  Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.
  
  Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
  
  I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
  
  In response to What's wrong?:
  
  The same old thing = Nothing
  
  Nothing = Everything
  
  Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Jesus and the Robber -- Lady Stormwing, 21:32:42 07/07/06 Fri
  One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, ''Jesus is watching you!'' while he rumagged through the desk.
  
  He replied, ''Who said that?!''
  
  Once again he heard the same thing, ''Jesus is watching you!'' The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was.
  
  The parrot replied, ''Cornelius.''
  
  The robber said, ''What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!''
  
  The parrot replied, ''The same person who named their rottweiler Jesus!''
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • I heard this a different way. The robber broke in and heard Jesus sees you! He got scared and then he heard again Jesus sees you! Then he turned his head and saw a parrot in its cage as it said Jesus sees you for the third time. Then he turned around and there was a hug rotweiller with the name JESUS on his collar. (NT) -- Lady Elizabeth, 20:51:27 07/08/06 Sat

  ---

• A Tale of Three Thimbles -- Kyrie, 14:18:22 07/07/06 Fri
  ONE DAY, WHEN A SEAMSTRESS WAS SEWING WHILE SITTING
  CLOSE TO A RIVER, HER THIMBLE FELL INTO THE RIVER.
  
  WHEN SHE CRIED OUT, THE LORD APPEARED AND ASKED, "MY
  DEAR CHILD, WHY ARE YOU CRYING?"
  
  THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED THAT HER THIMBLE HAD FALLEN
  INTO THE WATER AND THAT SHE NEEDED IT TO HELP HER HUSBAND IN MAKING A LIVING FOR THEIR FAMILY.
  
  THE LORD DIPPED HIS HAND INTO THE WATER AND PULLED UP
  A GOLDEN THIMBLE SET WITH PEARLS. "IS THIS YOUR THIMBLE?" THE LORD ASKED.
  
  THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED, "NO."
  
  THE LORD AGAIN DIPPED INTO THE RIVER. HE HELD OUT A SILVER THIMBLE RINGED WITH SAPPHIRES. "IS THIS YOUR THIMBLE?" THE LORD ASKED AGAIN, THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED, "NO."
  
  THE LORD REACHED DOWN AGAIN AND CAME UP WITH A LEATHER THIMBLE.
  
  "IS THIS YOUR THIMBLE?" THE LORD ASKED.
  
  THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED, "YES."
  
  THE LORD WAS PLEASED WITH THE WOMAN'S HONESTY AND GAVE HER ALL THREE THIMBLES TO KEEP, AND THE SEAMSTRESS WENT HOME HAPPY.
  
  SOME YEARS LATER, THE SEAMSTRESS WAS WALKING WITH HER HUSBAND ALONG THE RIVERBANK, AND HER HUSBAND FELL INTO THE RIVER AND DISAPPEARED UNDER THE WATER.
  
  WHEN SHE CRIED OUT, THE LORD AGAIN APPEARED AND ASKED HER, "WHY ARE YOU CRYING?"
  
  "OH LORD, MY HUSBAND HAS FALLEN INTO THE RIVER!"
  
  THE LORD WENT DOWN INTO THE WATER AND CAME UP WITH MEL GIBSON .
  
  "IS THIS YOUR HUSBAND?" THE LORD ASKED.
  
  "YES," CRIED THE SEAMSTRESS.
  
  THE LORD WAS FURIOUS. "YOU LIED! THAT IS AN UNTRUTH!
  
  THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED, "OH, FORGIVE ME, MY LORD. IT IS A MISUNDERSTANDING. YOU SEE, IF I HAD SAID 'NO' TO MEL GIBSON, YOU WOULD HAVE COME UP WITH TOM CRUISE. THEN IF I SAID 'NO' TO HIM, YOU WOULD HAVE COME UP WITH MY HUSBAND. HAD I THEN SAID 'YES,' YOU WOULD HAVE GIVEN ME ALL THREE. LORD, I'M NOT IN THE BEST OF HEALTH AND WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF ALL THREE HUSBANDS, SO THAT'S WHY I SAID 'YES' TO MEL GIBSON."
  
  THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS: WHENEVER A WOMAN LIES, IT'S FOR A GOOD AND HONORABLE REASON, AND IN THE BEST INTEREST OF OTHERS.
  
  
  THAT'S A WOMAN'S STORY, AND SHE'S STICKING TO IT.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Typical male! -- Sheila, 03:53:13 07/04/06 Tue
  Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Bunnings when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
  
  The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife,too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
  
  The old guy says,"Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
  
  The young guy says,"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
  
  The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- LET'S LOOK FOR YOURS."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Smart Woman -- Eilidh, 21:09:46 06/27/06 Tue
  When he found out he was going to inherit a large fortune when his sickly father passed away, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he walked up to her and said "but is just a week or two, my father will die, and i'll inherit 20 million dollars."
  
  The woman went home with Charles that evening, and three days later she became his stepmother.
  
  Women are so much smarter then men! HAHAHAHAH
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• American Health Care -- annieo, 10:44:02 06/25/06 Sun
  Not so funny!!
  
  Two patients limp into two different American Medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
  
  The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
  
  The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
  
  Why the different treatment for the two patients?
  
  The first is a Golden Retriever.....
  
  The second is a Senior Citizen.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Sad but true. (NT) -- Noelle, 04:43:54 06/27/06 Tue

  ---

• Midlife Crisis? -- annieo, 10:46:55 06/25/06 Sun
  Well, it's not a midlife crisis, but here's how things worked out for me. Married 46 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 46 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 20-year-old. Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 62-year-old woman. You're not holding up your side of things."
  
  My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 20-year-old blond to sleep with and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black-and-white TV.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Love it - this didn't really happen to you Annieo, did it?? (NT) -- Sheila, 15:22:35 06/25/06 Sun
    • HAHAHAHA!!! If DH had been dumb enough to say that to me, it would have happened to him, and worse!! (NT) -- annieo, 20:27:11 06/25/06 Sun
  • Oh another good one, Annieo!! (NT) -- Noelle, 04:42:11 06/27/06 Tue

  ---

• COUNTRY PREACHER -- annieo, 16:43:28 06/26/06 Mon
  
  
  There was a country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do - and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.
  
  One day while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects:
  a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.
  
  "Now then," the preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up.
  
  If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
  
  If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too.
  
  But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."
  
  The preacher anxiously awaited the arrival of his son, and soon he heard his footsteps as he came in the house whistling, and headed back to his room.
  
  He deposited his books on the bed as a matter of routine and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
  
  He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.
  
  He then picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
  
  Finally, he uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.
  
  
  "Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Haha!! That's a good one. (NT) -- Noelle, 04:39:12 06/27/06 Tue

  ---

• Spell Checker -- Kyrie, 18:46:16 06/26/06 Mon
  *Being a teacher, I just have to say that this is all too true...unfortuately.
  
  Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer
  
  Eye halve a spelling chequer
  It came with my pea sea
  It plainly marques four my revue
  Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
  
  Eye strike a key and type a word
  And weight four it two say
  Weather eye am wrong oar write
  It shows me strait a weigh.
  
  As soon as a mist ache is maid
  It nose bee fore two long
  And eye can put the error rite
  Its rarely ever wrong.
  
  Eye have run this poem threw it
  I am shore your pleased two no
  Its letter perfect in it's weigh
  My chequer tolled me sew.
  
  -- Sauce unknown
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• OBVIOUSLY written by a man... -- annieo, 16:45:53 06/26/06 Mon
  Great news.
  
  A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.
  
  This is a major breakthrough, since women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Hallmark Cards That Weren't -- Lady Stormwing, 18:58:38 06/19/06 Mon
  Cards You Will Never See In Hallmark
  
  
  "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
  
  
  "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
  
  
  "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
  
  
  "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."
  
  
  "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
  
  
  "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
  
  
  "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
  
  
  "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
  
  
  "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!"
  
  
  "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
  
  
  "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
  
  
  "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
  
  
  "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
  
  
  "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
  
  
  "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
  
  
  "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
  
  
  "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
  
  
  "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
  
  
  "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
  
  
  "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."
  
  
  "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Actually, I know someone whose Dad uis also his uncle. His mom married one man, then divorced him and married his brother. She had 2 sons from each man, so they are both brothers and cousins, and their Dads, or stepdads, are also their uncles.We live in Oregon, but the mom was originally from Georgia, maybe that expains it? (NT) -- Brookita, 10:34:48 06/24/06 Sat

  ---

• Wireless Security -- Lady Elizabeth, 07:41:45 06/22/06 Thu
  How to install a wireless security system: Great invention...
  1. Go to a secondhand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really BIG pair.
  
  2. Put the boots outside your front door on top of a copy of "Guns and Ammo" magazine.
  
  3. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dish.
  
  4. Leave a note on your front door that says something like this:
  "Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition & beer. Back in 1/2 an hour. Don't disturb the Pit bulls - They've just been wormed."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • hahahaha! I may have to try that sometime! (NT) -- Lady Stormwing, 20:59:15 06/22/06 Thu
  • I keep 6 big dogs around the farm (i know, 6 is a lot, but they just seem to collect here, and what am i to do?) and it REALLY WORKS. people are terrified of them, and well they should be. (NT) -- annieo, 04:50:39 06/23/06 Fri
  • oh, it works for sure - but it might not only keep out burglars.... I used to work in delivery and I eventually started to hate these big signs "Beware of the dog!" some people have at the front gate - especially as one usually still has to walk through that gate, walk all the way up to the house and is then left waiting for someone to open the door while having panicky thought about a future as dog food... (NT) -- Inga - one of the lurkers, 06:36:54 06/23/06 Fri
    • For some reason, the dogs only bother the bad guys. The good guys they leave alone. I have no earthly idea how or why. (NT) -- annieo, 19:15:10 06/23/06 Fri
  • Oh my... that door message at the end, is something I have actually left on a door. It pays to have a 6ft 6in friend called Big Mike! (NT) -- Sian Elizabeth, 12:31:50 06/23/06 Fri

  ---

• WHY, WHY, WHY -- annieo, 04:54:14 06/22/06 Thu
  These always make me smile -
  
  Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
  
  Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
  
  Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
  
  Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
  
  Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
  
  Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
  
  Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
  
  Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  
  Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
  
  If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
  
  Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
  
  Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
  
  Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
  
  Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
  
  Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
  
  How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
  
  Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
  
  In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
  
  How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Haha these are good...along the same lines for #2...How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks left :) (NT) -- Marilyn, 10:33:13 06/22/06 Thu
  • The one about glue not sticking to the inside of the bottle always intrigues me!! (NT) -- SueP, 01:05:37 06/23/06 Fri

  ---

• Hair dryer -- annieo, 04:39:56 06/20/06 Tue
  A distinguished-looking young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
  
  "Of course. What may I do for you?"
  
  "Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
  
  "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
  
  "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." So the priest took the hair dryer from her.
  
  When they got to Customs, she let the priest goes ahead of her.
  
  The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
  
  "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
  
  The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
  
  "I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
  
  Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
  
  Next!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Cute! (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 00:33:41 06/21/06 Wed

  ---

• A truly heartwarming story - -- annieo, 16:42:52 06/14/06 Wed
  "Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time..."
  
  A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot.
  
  One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
  
  Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
  
  At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come to earn her very own deposit at such a young age.
  
  The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."
  My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
  The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f**king sheet rock..."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Bwhahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I can totally see that happening LOL (NT) -- Mac., 18:49:16 06/14/06 Wed
  • Loved it!!! (NT) -- Florence, 20:06:26 06/14/06 Wed
  • ROLFMFWAO! Outta' the mouth of babes (or is that parrots?) (NT) -- Lady_Jane, 19:58:23 06/19/06 Mon
  • LOLOLOL!!!! (NT) -- LissC, 07:55:23 06/20/06 Tue

  ---

• My daughter sent this to me; she is wondering why her daughter sent it to her. :) -- Florence, 13:06:28 06/18/06 Sun
  No one believes seniors .. . . everyone thinks they are senile.
  
  An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
  The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back
  to their old neighborhood after they retired.
  
  Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
  It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared,
  where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
  
  On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,
  practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not
  sure what to do with it, they took it home.
  There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.
  
  Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
  
  Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag
  and hid it in their attic.
  
  The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood
  looking for the money, and knock on the door.
  "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that
  fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No."
  
  Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
  
  Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
  
  The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
  One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
  
  Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . "
  
  The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "Come on we're outta here."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Isn't that just lovely. Not the not believing, the 60 years holding hands etc (NT) -- Sheila, 05:03:47 06/19/06 Mon

  ---

• The best student in catholic school -- annieo, 21:10:20 06/17/06 Sat
  Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
  Usually she slept through the class.
  One day her teacher, a nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell
  me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
  When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, who was her friend
  sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
  
  "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and
  continued teaching her class.
  
  A little later, the Nun, seeing her asleep asked Mary Margaret, "Who is
  our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again,
  Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
  
  "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,
  "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
  
  The Nun, feeling sure she was asleep, asked her a third question..."What
  did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
  
  Again, Johnny came to the rescue. Th is time Mary Margaret jumped up and
  shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break
  it in half!"
  
  The Nun fainted.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Fancy waiting until the 23rd child!!! (NT) -- Sheila, 23:07:09 06/17/06 Sat

  ---

• Roses & Hanging Baskets -- Marilyn, 10:55:22 06/12/06 Mon
  A teenage granddaughter
  comes downstairs for her date
  with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
  Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
  telling her not to dare go out like that!
  The teenager tells her
  "Loosen up Grams.
  These are modern times.
  You gotta let your rose buds show!"
  and out she goes.
  The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
  and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
  The teenager wants to die.
  She explains to her grandmother
  that she has friends coming over
  and that it is just not appropriate.....
  The grandmother says,
  "Loosen up,
  Sweetie.
  If you can show off your rose buds,
  then I can display my hanging baskets.
  
  Happy Gardening.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • HAH! :) That was a good one! (no wonder I left the flower business! *G*) (NT) -- Chirre, 02:04:04 06/13/06 Tue
    • My mom cracked to my dad a few weeks ago that you know you're getting old when you have to take down your pants to flash your boobs. Sadly, I could sort of relate. Ha! (NT) -- Nifty, 08:07:05 06/16/06 Fri

  ---

• Being a maths teacher, I found this funny....hope you do too. -- Sheila, 00:54:41 06/06/06 Tue
  A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says,
  
  "Do you know me?"
  
  To which she replies, "I think your the father of one of my kids."
  
  Now his mind travels back to the only time he as ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
  
  "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my
  back with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my arse???"
  
  She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's maths teacher."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • OMG.....Bwhahahah. Verra Funny!!!!! (NT) -- Alissa, 06:45:57 06/06/06 Tue
  • Uhhh, Oooops!! Too funny :-) (NT) -- Elizabeth S, 19:46:31 06/07/06 Wed
  • *snort!* :-D (NT) -- Leigh, 00:20:50 06/16/06 Fri

  ---

• Old is beautiful! -- Tooki, 21:30:12 06/15/06 Thu
  Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any more. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
  "You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
  The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
  Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
  "I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD (hoping not to offend your delicate sensibilities) -- annieo, 04:48:10 06/14/06 Wed
  I believe this comes from George Carlin -
  
  Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
  Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
  
  Consider:
  You can get shit-faced, be shit-out-of-luck, or have shit for brains.
  With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.
  
  You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.
  Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
  There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
  You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
  You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
  You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
  
  Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
  Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
  You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
  You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
  Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
  
  When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
  And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Hahahaha...one of my favorite words. Carlin is spot on, it's a VERY functional word :) (NT) -- Marilyn, 07:00:50 06/14/06 Wed
  • Useful Word -- Kyrie, 05:13:23 06/15/06 Thu
  • Oh shit that's funny!! (NT) -- Noelle, 18:27:02 06/15/06 Thu

  ---

• Happened in Maine -- Marilyn, 13:13:26 06/13/06 Tue
  Gotta Love those Down Easters :)
  
  GOOD
  In Bangor, a Maine State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!"
  The officer later found a young accomplice, on down the road, with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
  
  
  BETTER
  A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Saco, Maine. A $40 speeding ticket was included.
  Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
  The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
  
  BEST
  A young woman was pulled over in Trenton, Maine for speeding.
  As the Hancock County Police Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Hancock County Troopers Ball."
  He replied, "Hancock County Troopers don't have balls."
  There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
  She was laughing too hard to start her car.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Oh, aren't they great. Can you imagine trying the balls line? (NT) -- Sheila, 17:03:37 06/13/06 Tue
  • I once got stopped by an officer i knew - boy i wish i'd had that line to use then!!! he would have dissolved laughing. (i got away with just a warning, anyway) (NT) -- annieo, 04:49:49 06/14/06 Wed

  ---

• Job Application -- Marilyn, 13:27:57 06/12/06 Mon
  Well..I don't know how true this is..I just forward them :)
  
  This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... And they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
  
  NAME: Greg Bulmash
  
  SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
  
  DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
  
  DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
  
  EDUCATION: Yes.
  
  LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
  
  SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
  
  MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
  
  REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
  
  HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
  
  PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
  
  DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
  
  MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
  
  DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
  
  DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
  
  HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
  
  DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
  
  WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
  
  DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
  
  SIGN HERE: Aries.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • I was just reading along giggling a little until i came to 50 pounds OF WHAT???? and just lost it. Very funny. (NT) -- annieo, 18:21:09 06/12/06 Mon
  • Sooooo funny!!! (NT) -- Noelle, 09:35:39 06/13/06 Tue
  • OMG, this is too funny. LMAO. (NT) -- MelanieK, 10:28:00 06/13/06 Tue
  • Jokes -- JessicaH, 02:07:56 06/14/06 Wed
  • Jokes -- JessicaH, 02:12:21 06/14/06 Wed

  ---

• It's Different This Time -- Lady Renegade, 18:34:05 06/12/06 Mon
  Man walks into a bar and tells the bartender to give him the stiffest drink he has. Bartender asks "Why?" Man says, "My wife and I had an arguement." Bartender says, "It was that bad huh?" Man says, "No, it wasn't that it was bad, it was just different this time round." Bartender asks, "What was so different this time?" Man says, "Well this time when the arguement was over she was on her hands and knees." Bartender replies, "Good grief man did you knock her down?" Man replies, "No, she was on her hands and knees yelling 'C'mon out from underneath the bed you chickenshite'."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Think on these things -- annieo, 05:55:48 06/10/06 Sat
  
  
  Can you cry under water?
  
  How important does a person have to be before they are considered
  assassinated instead of just murdered?
  
  Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for
  your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
  
  Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
  
  What disease did cured ham actually have?
  
  How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
  good idea to put wheels on luggage?
  
  Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
  like every two hours?
  
  If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
  
  Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
  
  Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
  to look at things on the ground?
  
  Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
  naked anyway.
  
  Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural
  
  Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
  crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
  
  If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
  why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
  
  Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
  dogs!
  
  If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't
  he just buy dinner?
  
  If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
  what is baby oil made from?
  
  Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
  
  Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
  
  Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
  it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Oh my, I got really interested about this and started thinking about it seriously. "How important does a person have to be.." The worrying part is - what does this tell of me? (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 02:31:27 06/12/06 Mon

  ---

• Mary Poppins - food critic -- Tooki, 21:14:44 06/11/06 Sun
  Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
  
  "Certainly, madam," he replied courteously.
  
  "Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
  
  "Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
  
  Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese, please," said Mary.
  
  "Certainly, madam," he replied.
  
  "And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.
  
  After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room. The night passed uneventfully. The next morning, Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still at the desk.
  
  "Morning, madam. Sleep well?"
  
  "Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
  
  "Food to your liking?"
  
  "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional
  -- I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though; they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
  
  "Oh. Well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our guest comments book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
  
  "Ok, I will. Thanks!" replied Mary. She then checked out, paused awhile, and scribbled a comment into the book.
  Waving, she left to continue her journey.
  
  Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is:
  
  "Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!''
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Fifty dollars is fifty dollars -- MiladyM, 10:55:05 06/08/06 Thu
  Morris and his wife, Agnes, went to the State Fair every year. Every year, Morris would say, "Agnes, I would like to ride in that helicopter."
  Agnes always replied, "I know, Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
  Finally, one year when Agnes and Morris went to the State Fair, Morris said, "Agnes, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance."
  Agnes replied, "Morris, that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
  The helicopter pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
  Well, Morris and Agnes agreed and up they went in the helicopter.
  The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
  When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris. He said, "By Golly! I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed."
  Morris replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Agnes fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • sounds like my parents! (NT) -- Sian Elizabeth, 20:55:33 06/09/06 Fri

  ---

• Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously -- AB, 15:48:52 06/09/06 Fri
  1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
  2. A day without sunshine is like . . . night.
  3. On the other hand, you have different fingers
  4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
  6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
  9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
  10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
  12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
  13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
  14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
  15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  17. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
  18. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
  19. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  20. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  21. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  22. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  23. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
  24. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
  25. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  26. Life isn't really like a box of chocolates . . . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Good Sportsmanship -- annieo, 04:35:34 06/08/06 Thu
  At one point during a game, the coach called one of his
  9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
  
  The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
  
  "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
  
  The little boy nodded yes.
  
  "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"
  
  Again the little boy nodded.
  
  He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?"
  
  Again the little boy nodded.
  
  "Good," said the coach.
  
  "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother".
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • LOL, seems to me that "Father" or "Mother" could be used in place of grandmother!!! (NT) -- Keira, 07:59:16 06/09/06 Fri

  ---

• A dr story As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing an exam suddenly burst out laughing. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener". anon -- Carol P, 17:40:11 06/08/06 Thu
  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:
  • Ha Ha - this reminds of a true story - a neighbor of my friend who raised poodles went for her GYN appt. She was in the middle of her exam when the OB asked her if she still had any fluffy white dogs down there. She snorted and said, "You're in a better position to see than I am". He was so embarrassed he left the room! (NT) -- LissC, 06:30:33 06/09/06 Fri

  ---

• How To Talk To A Husband -- poppet, 13:59:25 06/08/06 Thu
  A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband,although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back. ""Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc..The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... "He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK? ""You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. "But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that... "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT
  YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"
  
  And they lived happily ever after :)
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • ***Spew alert**** OMG! *Breathless laughter...... (NT) -- LissC, 06:24:23 06/09/06 Fri

  ---

• A wee bit raunchy, but still funny nonetheless - -- annieo, 04:30:50 06/08/06 Thu
  The Boss was in quandary. He had to firesomebody. He had it narrowed
  down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible
  decision; they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he
  decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next
  morning.
  
  Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
  all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss
  approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have
  to lay you or Jack off."
  
  "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • LOL, didn't see that coming! (NT) -- alisonb, 04:41:03 06/08/06 Thu

  ---

• A Message to Tide Detergent -- Kyrie, 19:14:38 06/06/06 Tue
  Dear Tide:
  
  I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life because my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!
  
  In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I am and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!
  
  I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative and, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative. Then my attorney called and said that I am no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
  
  What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!
  
  I thank you once again for having a great product. Well, gotta go; have to write to the Hefty bag people.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Auch! Gotta write the name down, PMS is already pain enough. (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 23:53:16 06/06/06 Tue
  • Heeheeeh! :) Something all women should have, you think? (NT) -- Chirre, 01:44:29 06/07/06 Wed

  ---

• The New Pet -- Tooki, 15:06:00 06/06/06 Tue
  Feeling a bit lonely at the moment I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for her house. The pet shop man said her name was Annie.
  
  I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking Annie, my new pet to the pub to have a drink.
  
  So, I asked Annie, "Would you like to go down the Queen's Head with me and have a beer?"
  
  But there was no answer. This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked her again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?"
  
  But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet. So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. I decided to ask her one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting,"Hey, in there, Annie! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"
  
  A little voice came out of the box:...........
  
  "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my bloody shoes on!"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Irish Gas Station -- Melina, 14:20:37 06/06/06 Tue
  IRISH GAS STATION
  
  Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.
  
  An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the
  golf pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya."
  
  As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
  
  "So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
  
  "They're called tees," replies Tiger.
  
  "And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
  
  "Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
  
  "Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant.
  "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Know somebody like this? -- annieo, 09:35:56 06/04/06 Sun
  MEMO: To Mrs. Fenton
  RE: Mr. Bill Fenton
  SUBJ: Complaints - Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in our store
  
  Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.
  
  We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.
  
  1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
  
  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
  
  3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms
  
  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.
  
  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
  
  6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
  
  7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'd bring pillows from the bedding department.
  
  8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
  
  9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
  
  10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
  
  11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
  
  12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
  
  13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
  
  14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
  
  And; last, (but not least!)
  
  15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Do I know someone like this? Oh yeah I do! ME! I love going to Wal-Mart and causing problems. (NT) -- Sian Elizabeth, 15:13:44 06/04/06 Sun
    • oh, we would surely get along!!! (NT) -- annieo, 15:17:45 06/04/06 Sun
  • No matter how many times i read this i absolutely love it...i have tears from laughing so hard ..... my brother is one of these he's a trip to take shopping during the holidays. (NT) -- Carrie R, 16:49:40 06/04/06 Sun
  • ROFL!! :) (NT) -- Chirre, 05:58:42 06/06/06 Tue

  ---

• Temperature in Finland -- Wilhelmiina, 12:31:35 05/27/06 Sat
  +15 'C / 59 'F This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here. People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves. The Finns are out in the sun,getting a tan.
  +10 'C / 50 'F The French are trying in vain to start their central heating. The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.
  +5 'C / 41 'F Italian cars won't start, The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.
  0 'C / 32 'F Distilled water freezes. The water in Vantaa river (in Finland) gets a little thicker.
  -5 'C / 23 'F People in California almost freeze to death. The Finns have their final barbecue before winter.
  -10 'C / 14 'F The Brits start the heat in their houses. The Finns start using long sleeves.
  -20 'C / -4 'F The Aussies flee from Mallorca. The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.
  -30 'C / -22 'F People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth. The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.
  -40 'C / -40 'F Paris starts cracking in the cold. The Finns stand in line at the hotdog stands.
  -50 'C / -58 'F Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole. The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.
  -60 'C / -76 'F Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes. The Finns rent a movie and stay indoors.
  -70 'C / -94 'F The false Santa moves south. The Finns get frustrated since they can't store their Kossu (Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors. The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.
  -183 'C / -297.4 'F Microbes in food don't survive. The Finnish cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.
  -273 'C / -459.4 'F ALL atom-based movent halts. The Finns start saying "Perkele, it's cold outside today."
  -300 'C / -508 'F Hell freezes over, Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest
  
  (and this "joke" was existing already 5 years ago ;))
  

  Last edited by author: Sat May 27, 2006 12:33:21   Edited 1 time.
  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Hahaha...that's cute...oooow and I bet true!! (NT) -- Noelle, 05:20:54 05/28/06 Sun
  • Part of it would be. It is so sad and pathetic, come +10C and we all are dragging the garden furniture out.. And you know, some people jog all through the winter with no shirt on. In -20C and probably even colder. I say their brain was the first bodypart to freeze. (NT) -- Wilhelmiina, 12:43:26 05/28/06 Sun
  • Sounds a bit like Canada, eh? We BBQ in January and giggle when the news shows 2 cm of snow closing down a state in the U.S. (NT) -- Debbie M, 18:54:36 05/28/06 Sun
  • Used to live in Vermont, now live in Virginia. When i go to Vermont in the summer and am wearing a sweatshirt, my friends are all wandering around in as little as possible. your descriptions really made me laugh!! i remember how warm it felt when the temp finally went up into the 30s! (NT) -- annieo, 06:42:45 05/29/06 Mon
    • I went to college in Virginia, and it snowed 6 inches one day. The city I was living in shut down! After being raised in New England, I was horrified. There's a Temperature Conversion Chart for New England too. I'm not sure where it is though... (NT) -- Sian Elizabeth, 19:53:12 06/05/06 Mon

  ---

• A question for the P.O.T.U.S. -- CathyS, 18:36:49 05/23/06 Tue
  George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
  
  "Stanley," responds the little boy.
  
  "And what is your question, Stanley?"
  
  "I have 3 questions.
  First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
  Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
  And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
  
  Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
  
  When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?" A little girl puts up her hand. George points her out and asks her name.
  
  "Stephanie," she responds.
  
  "And what is your question, Stephanie?"
  
  Actually, I have 5 questions.
  First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
  Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
  Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
  Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
  And fifth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Ha!! (NT) -- Noelle, 04:55:20 05/24/06 Wed
  • HAHAHAHA!!! too close for comfort!! (NT) -- annieo, 06:05:58 05/25/06 Thu
    • Yep, that's what I thought! My laugh was one of those uneasy ones. (NT) -- CathyS, 19:07:06 05/25/06 Thu
  • That's strange.....I've already heard this one, but the questions were 1) What happened to your health care plan? 2) Why are you still in office when your husband brought shame to the country and the White House, and 3) I forgot the last one. But of course they were directed to Hillary "I lied about my name" Clinton. (NT) -- Page, 19:45:24 06/05/06 Mon

  ---

• An oldie but a good reminder. -- annieo, 09:42:53 06/04/06 Sun
  A West Texas cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
  
  The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
  
  The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
  
  The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
  
  "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on, amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
  
  Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"
  
  The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
  
  "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
  
  "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
  
  "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows........now give me back my dog."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Love it! (NT) -- Florence, 14:35:17 06/04/06 Sun
  • ROFL! "Give me back my dog" Thanks so much for the laugh - I needed that! (NT) -- MiladyM, 06:11:21 06/05/06 Mon

  ---

• Not to offend anyone, I hope . . . just supposed to be funny. -- CathyS, 16:56:06 06/03/06 Sat
  An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
  
  She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
  
  He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my
  dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
  
  She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women
  when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
  
  The two sat sipping in silence.
  
  A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
  
  He replied while shaking his head, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • I'm not offended, I must live with one of these, actually it had better be "woman" as opposed to "women" if he knows what is good for him *g*. (NT) -- Sheila, 20:15:34 06/03/06 Sat
    • Glad you weren't offended and yes, Iagree . . . it better be woman! We've gotta keep these boys in line! (NT) -- CathyS, 18:57:16 06/04/06 Sun

  ---

• barbed wire and a thong -- Lady Stormwing, 21:17:16 06/03/06 Sat
  
  What do barbed wire and a thong have in common?
  
  
  
  
  
  Both protect the property without obstructing the view.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • HAHAHA - good one. (NT) -- annieo, 09:37:01 06/04/06 Sun

  ---

• Today's Education -- reposted for Blackdog, 14:41:31 05/25/06 Thu
  Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital.
  
  He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The patient replies:
  
  "Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
  Great chieftain o the puddin race,
  Aboon them a ye take yer place,
  Painch, tripe or thairm,
  As langs my airm."
  
  Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:
  
  "Some hae meat an canna eat,
  And some wad eat that want it,
  But we hae meat an we can eat,
  So let the Lord be thankit."
  
  Even more confused, and his grin now sickly, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
  
  "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
  O the panic in thy breasty,
  Tho! u needna start awa sae hastie,
  Wi bickering brattle."
  
  Now greatly troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, �Is this a psychiatric ward?"
  
  "No," replies the doctor, "this is the Serious Burns unit."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Booooo! I actually groaned out loud when I read that last line! :) (NT) -- Christina V., 16:51:44 05/25/06 Thu
  • Groan..........But hilarious! (NT) -- Ron, 03:28:41 05/26/06 Fri
  • Double groan. (NT) -- Louise_C_H, 04:30:36 05/26/06 Fri
  • Isn't that Hamish's "grace" from Outlander in there? (NT) -- Sheila, 04:50:43 05/26/06 Fri
    • Yep. If that really was written by R Burns - he wasn't born until 1759. Oops! (NT) -- CathyS, 16:27:07 05/26/06 Fri
      • HAHAHA!! who knew Robbie was into plagiarizing?? (sp?) (NT) -- annieo, 08:51:27 05/27/06 Sat
        • LOL . . . . (NT) -- CathyS, 19:52:07 05/27/06 Sat
  • OUCH!!!! (NT) -- devenhuis, 21:46:31 05/27/06 Sat
  • Ok, color me stupid, dense or naive...I don't get it. I thought about letting it go, but now I am so curious I just had to ask someone to explain the punch line... I know, I'll be sorry, better left unsaid, etc. Please someone...help! (NT) -- Froggielady Lori, 13:10:24 06/02/06 Fri
    • They're all quoting Robert Burns, Scotland's national poet (celebrate his day in January, the 25th I think, with poetry, haggis, and Scotch!) (NT) -- Lady Naiad, 21:32:32 06/02/06 Fri

  ---

• WHO NEEDS LIGHT BULBS WHEN YE GOT CANDLE POWER LIKE THIS -- Tooki, 20:57:45 06/02/06 Fri
  Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
  
  Father Flaherty said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?
  
  She replied, "Aye, that ye did Father!"
  
  Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"
  
  She replied, "No not yet Father."
  
  The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."
  
  She replied, "Oh Thank Ye, Father." They then parted ways.
  
  Some years later they met again. . .
  
  The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs Donovan, How are ye these days?"
  
  She replied, "Oh, very well Father!"
  
  The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
  
  She replied, "Oh yes Father!" "Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"
  
  The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"
  
  She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow, out yer candle!"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Aunt Karen -- Marilyn, 08:50:15 05/23/06 Tue
  
  A teacher gave her class an assignment: They were to have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came to class, and one by one, told their stories:
  
  Little Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and have hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to market on the front seat of the pickup truck and we hit a big bump in the road. The eggs went flying and broke all over everything."
  
  And what is the moral to that story?" "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." "Very good," said the teacher.
  
  Then little Tammy raised her hand and said, "We live on a farm, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once, but when they hatched, we got only ten live chicks. And the moral to that story is, don't count your chickens before they are hatched."
  
  "That was a fine example, Tammy."
  
  "Johnny, I believe you had your hand up next."
  
  "Yes Ma'am. My daddy told me that my Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke off. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
  
  "Good Heavens!" said the horrified teacher.
  
  What did your daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?"
  
  "Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • HAHAHAHA!!! There's an Aunt Karen in my family - I think she'd measure up!!! (NT) -- annieo, 06:07:28 05/25/06 Thu
    • Haha, my sister is the "Aunt Karen" and I keep picturing her in this situation. (NT) -- Stephsicola, 10:51:37 06/01/06 Thu

  ---

• Trainee -- Alissa, 05:20:13 06/01/06 Thu
  Trainee
  
  
  On his first day on the job, the trainee dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
  "Get me a F***ING cup of coffee, quickly!"
  The voice from the other side responded:
  "You fool, you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
  "No," replied the trainee.
  "It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"
  The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you idiot?"
  "No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly
  "Thank F**K for that!" replied the trainee and slammed down the phone.
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  

  ---

• Crazy Aussie humour -- Tooki, 21:56:51 05/29/06 Mon
  ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
  
  A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
  
  She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
  
  The man seemed more amused, so she once again moved. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
  
  The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied:
  
  "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."
  
  "Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.
  
  "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
  
  "BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it!"
  
  "CASE DISMISSED!!"
  

  [ Edit | View ]
  
  Replies:

  • Funny! Please step inside for Aussie etiquette >> -- Wilhelmiina, 00:21:36 05/30/06 Tue
    • HAHAHA - both hysterical. Why not have something from the taxidermist as a table ceterpiece? and i'd love livestock as a wedding gift! the rest sounds pretty close to all the rednecks around these parts... (NT) -- annieo, 05:30:05 05/30/06 Tue
  • While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN Ute keys. If only it was his keys. My DH uses my hair clips. And I found this out after the fact!!!Ewwwwww (NT) -- Alissa, 17:34:09 05/30/06 Tue
    • Hope you didn't find out by putting them in your mouth while doing your hair! (NT) -- Sheila, 20:24:11 05/30/06 Tue
      • Eeeewwwwww!!!! (NT) -- annieo, 16:13:12 05/31/06 Wed
      • Sheila.....Ya don't want to know....no no...trust me YA DONT WANT TO KNOW! (NT) -- Alissa, 02:44:00 06/01/06 Thu

  ---