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Date Posted: 15:33:22 10/21/10 Thu
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Page
Subject: In your opinion....

Is a chapter with a word count of 1,264 too short? Exhausted author needs your input.

Thanks, y'all!

Last edited by author: Thu October 21, 2010 15:50:08 Edited 1 time.

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[> Here's the chapter >>>> --

Page, 15:49:06 10/21/10 Thu

Maybe it's not too short; maybe it just needs some fleshing out? It feels funny to me, but I've edited and reread it so many times I can't be objective about it.

Excerpt from Carey On
�2010 by Juli Page Morgan
Posted for critique only; does not constitute publication

CHAPTER FOUR
THOSE CATS I WAS PLAYING WITH FREAKED OUT, MAN

Of all the strange things Katie Scott had experienced, finding a keyboard player left on her doorstep like an abandoned baby had to be one of the freakiest.

She�d gotten in the habit of helping Maureen sell her candles at Portobello Market, happy to help out her friend and feel like she was doing something useful. It was funny, though, how exhausted she got sitting in the stall all day. Of course, the emotional stress she was under doubtless had a lot to do with it. After dragging herself to the top floor, all she wanted was to collapse on the bed until Adam came home from clerking at the headshop just up the road. Maybe by then she�d feel like going to get some of the far out Western Indian food she�d developed a taste for. That was assuming Adam was in a halfway cheerful mood instead of the gloom and doom in which he�d been mired for the past month.

As she left the landing and started down the hall she noticed a young man leaning against their door, sound asleep. Katie eyed him with suspicion, wondering if he was a junkie who�d become confused about where he was and just crashed where he landed. That sort of thing had happened more than once during her last year in the Haight, and she knew a lot of such encounters didn�t end well. Slowing her steps, she observed the guy closely. Most of his face was hidden by a shaggy fall of dark blonde hair, but his body didn�t have the wasted look she associated with a full-fledged junkie. Even covered by an oversized olive-drab jacket, his chest was broad and his long legs were well-muscled under his faded jeans. A pair of broken in cowboy boots were on his feet which were crossed at the ankles as he dozed.

Katie bit her lip in indecision. What she really wanted to do was leave him undisturbed, but since he was leaning against the door that course of action was impossible.
Stepping well out of the way, she stretched out a foot and nudged one of the cowboy boots.

�Hey.� When that elicited no response, she delivered a stronger nudge to his leg and raised her voice. �Hey!�

With a snort, the stranger raised his head and stared at Katie with obvious confusion. �What?� The blue eyes cleared almost immediately and filled with chagrin. �Oh, hey, man, I�m sorry. I didn�t mean to fall asleep.�

At the sound of his voice Katie�s eyes opened wide. �You�re American!�

�Yeah, I�Hey! So are you!� He got to his feet with grace, surprising since just moments ago he�d been in a deep sleep.

�Yeah, I am.� Now that Katie could see his face she looked it over with interest, but knew she hadn�t seen him before. �Can I help you with something?�

�I hope so, man. Do you happen to know a cat named Adam Greene?�

�Yeah, this is his pad.� Katie frowned in confusion. �You know Adam?�

�No, but Jay Carey sent me to find him.� The young man brushed his hands across his dusty backside. �My name�s Stuart Brady.�

�I�m Katie Scott.� Her reply was automatic, but her mind was occupied with only one thing. �Is Jay finally back?�

�Naw, he�s still in the States, but he�ll be back in a couple of weeks.�

�Well, thank God for small favors,� Katie muttered. She shook her head. �Adam ought to be home in a little while. You wanna come in and have a beer?�

�Man, I�d love one. Thanks.� Stuart smiled, and Katie couldn�t help but smile back. He had an open, friendly face that put her at ease.

They settled at the table with their beers and Katie called the meeting to order. �So you said Jay sent you here. Why?�

�Well, he said he wanted me to join this band he�s putting together with Adam Greene.� Stuart looked concerned. �He wasn�t just jerking my chain, was he?�

�No.� Katie shook her head. �They�re forming a band. I guess I just never thought of him out recruiting in the States.�

�Kinda like a fuckin� fairy tale, isn�t it?� Stuart laughed. �I still can�t wrap my head around it. I mean, there I was, playing keyboards with my band in Dallas and Jay fuckin� Carey walks in the club. Then he asks me if I want to be in his new band. I mean, was he kidding? Even when I told him I didn�t have enough bread to get to England he said not to worry and hands me this wad of dough and tells me to come find Adam first thing.� He threw his hands wide and shrugged. �So here I am.�

�Heavy,� Katie said, giggling at the expression on his face. �So he�s coming back to England soon?�

�That�s what he said.�

Katie breathed an interior sigh of relief at Stuart�s words. Maybe it would break Adam out of the black funk he�d been in since he�d received a telegram from Jay the month before. It had not contained news Adam wanted. Instead of returning to England after Wonderkind�s tour ended, Jay had decided to stay in the States for a bit. Since Adam�s band broke up he didn�t have the extra few pounds from playing gigs each week to stretch his salary; now that Jay seemed to be dragging his feet on the new project, Adam had to spend almost every day clerking at the shop. Despite the increased hours, he still didn�t earn enough to make ends meet.

After the telegram�s arrival, Katie had, without comment, upped her financial contribution to their living arrangements, taking over the largest part of rent and buying most of the groceries. She knew Adam hated it, but there wasn�t any other choice unless they wanted to end up squatting in some dump with no water or electricity. It increased Adam�s stress level, but Katie didn�t know what else to do. She didn�t want to make him any more uncomfortable than he already was about the disparity in their finances, so she kept her mouth shut. She just made sure anything she paid for was done quietly to spare his male ego anymore hits.

It didn�t seem to help matters that their first flush of passion had cooled. At least, Katie�s had. She was afraid Adam still cared for her more than she did for him even though he�d been dating other girls. On the few occasions they found themselves home on the same night, Adam always instigated sex, and Katie usually complied; after all, she still enjoyed sleeping with him. But even if she decided to break her rules and allow herself to fall in love with someone, it wouldn�t be with Adam. Yes, he was a wonderful man with a tender, caring heart, but he and Katie was much too incompatible in too many ways. Although she�d never said anything to him, he seemed to have realized how she felt, and Katie thought it added to his general discontent.

Jay�s return, though, was good news. Maybe the band would start playing some gigs and Adam would have his own dough again. Or since Jay was going around handing out bread to random keyboard players, maybe he�d spot Adam enough to support himself until the music started paying. In any case, making music again could only be good for Adam�s state of mind, and Katie thought Jay Carey�s return to England couldn�t happen soon enough.

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[> [> Check your email>>>> -- Page2, 22:31:27 10/21/10 Thu

I sent you an email with some edits and my comments. It's easier to do tracking changes with Word than here. Hopefully, you'll find it helpful. Sometimes,the extra set of eyes does help. I hope mine were.

Glad to see you're working on it still and haven't given up hope. :-)

Steph

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[> [> [> Thanks tons! >>>> -- Page, 11:55:19 10/26/10 Tue

I am always in awe of your eagle eye! Thanks for catching my blunders.

I did add another paragraph which brings the word count up a tad. While re-reading I thought, "Well, jeez, Katie. Why don't you just move out then?" So I hit myself in the forehead and put it in. (She doesn't want to move out b/c Adam needs a flatmate so he can pay the rent.)

Thanks for the help! As always, it's mucho invaluable!!

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[> [> A chapter can be anmy length you want it to be -- debikm, 06:43:48 10/22/10 Fri

I've seen some that were a single word. I'll look at this more in depth when I'm not running out the door to work, but it sounds good so far.

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[> [> [> This is true >>>> -- Page, 12:00:37 10/26/10 Tue

I remember one that reads in its entirety: "Nothing much happened for the next two weeks."

I have added one more paragraph to explain why Katie doesn't just move out, but this chapter is still shorter than most of the others in the book. I suppose as long as it gets its point across it doesn't matter how many words it contains. My objectivity with this &(^%& manuscript is out the window. Honestly, I don't think it should take this long to finish it. It's not like I'm writing War and Peace or of DG's books. I'm beginning to think it's just fear of having to query that keeps me trying to "perfect" this book. I may just need a good swift kick in the keister! *G*

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[> [> [> [> Re: This is true >>>> -- Page2, 21:13:32 10/26/10 Tue

>I remember one that reads in its entirety: "Nothing
>much happened for the next two weeks."

LOL...and an editor let that get through. Gee! Still funny.

>
>I have added one more paragraph to explain why
>Katie doesn't just move out, but this chapter is still
>shorter than most of the others in the book. I
>suppose as long as it gets its point across it doesn't
>matter how many words it contains. My objectivity
>with this &(^%& manuscript is out the window.
>Honestly, I don't think it should take this long to
>finish it. It's not like I'm writing War and Peace or
>of DG's books. I'm beginning to think it's just fear
>of having to query that keeps me trying to "perfect"
>this book. I may just need a good swift kick in the
>keister! *G*

I feel the same way Juli. Tell you what, I'll edit the hell out of yours and you can slash mine.

I'm losing my mind on what to keep in/take out/ revise this/change this. I took 355 words out of the last chapter cuz I changed the POV but now I feel like I lost something. Why is editing so darn hard? Query...well, I'm almost there on that but I refuse to finish it until the story is revised.

Let me know if you want to take me up on that offer. I'll gladly switch. If Aiden or Tiernan yells at me one more time to stop touching their ummm... er... parts (ha haha) I have no idea why they don't believe me when I say I'm going to make it bigger and better.

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[> [> [> [> [> Slashing going on as we speak >>>> -- Page, 13:23:37 11/06/10 Sat

I'll be more than happy to have you slash away, my friend! I'm doing some heavy slashing of my own at the moment, though, thanks to Esther's astute observation that I really don't need this chapter. It's made me realize that there are a lot of things in this book I don't need, but I've kept them in there, editing the hell out of them with each revision, just because I wrote them in the first draft. Instead of polishing them, I needed to toss them and bring the things that happened in the book in a different way, one with fewer words and info dump chapters.

So if my &#(%& computer will let me work on it I can hopefully trim this baby down a lot without losing anything. (And the way the computer has been acting that's a big "if!") As soon as I reach the point where I think I've got it, I'll send the file along to you!

Hugs,
Page

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[> [> Hey Page! Comments this way >>> -- Esther, 12:09:53 10/26/10 Tue

First off, I have to explain that I don't think in chapters. I don't write in chapters. And when I read, I skim or skip the titles and any cute little references or anything else to get to the goods. What works for me are scenes. And so now that you understand where I'm coming from...

For me, as a scene, I'm confused as to its purpose and I find myself back-tracking. And here�s why.

You start off with Katie finding a keyboard on her doorstep like an abandoned baby. Right here you told us all you needed to. But even so, my expectation is for what follows to be about the keyboard player because it started with him.

But then you take us back to Portobello Market, selling candles with Maureen, and explain Katie�s tired. Emotionally stressed. Adam is clerking. She wants far out Western Indian food. Depending on Adam�s mood. Which was gloom and doom for the past month. Back to the man sleeping against their door, with a remembrance of how things were back in the Haight. The physical description is nice, but doesn�t totally eliminate the junkie image I have in my mind.

She wakes him up. He�s an American. And for me the scene is at its best when they talk. It fits with my expectations that the scene is about him, because he�s a part of what�s happening. His presence and what he reveals is new. His purpose in this scene makes sense.

And just an aside here, but I was somewhat surprised to hear Stuart refer to Adam as a cat. Now I�m assuming the girls referred to the guys like that, but I don�t know, it was unexpected to hear another guy refer to another guy in the same way. Just my misconception, but I thought I�d let you know.

Okay back to Stuart and Katie talking and having a beer. A very natural conversation that I loved. Stuart makes his revelation that Jay is indeed starting a band and is planning on coming home soon.

But then, we�re back to being told about Adam. His funk, lack of funds, increased hours and stress level. Katie picks up the slack. And given the fact that we know she comes from money, this revelation isn�t surprising. Neither is the fading passion between Katie and Adam, because they didn�t really have passion together in the first place.

So I don�t know if your purpose was to introduce Stuart, make me want to visit with Maureen, diss Adam or anticipate Jay�s return, because from the sounds of it, he�s the end all, be all solution to everyone�s problems.

For me, a scene should have a concrete idea with a beginning, a lead up to some tension, perhaps a solution. I want to be able to understand how each piece moves the plot forward. This reads to me more like the tying of misc ideas to get a knot. And not surprising, the knot that ties everything in the story together is Jay.

I don�t think it�s a matter of the scene being too short. I think it�s a matter of putting these concepts into the place where they fit best. Your story is about Jay and Katie. Is a scene to introduce a band member absolutely necessary? Couldn�t he just as easily be introduced in another part? Say the night Jay gets back, after Adam and Katie argue about her going out and then Jay and Adam, who is now in great spirits, show up at Maureen�s, and they get invited to the club/bar/whatever you want to call it cause Jay is scoping out the next member of the band? A couple lines of dialogue and it�s all good. Same with Adam. Do we need to hear about his brooding? I mean, you do an excellent job of showing it and his other characteristics in other parts of the story without us as the reader having to have it told to us. It�s your story, and you know it and your characters better than anyone else, but I don�t think adding more words to flesh out a scene that, for me anyway, has no clear purpose, is the way to fix things. And I hope that makes sense. *G*

Hugs

Esther

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[> [> [> You know what? You're spot on! (As always!) >>>> -- Page (who can't seem to stay logged in!), 13:16:44 11/06/10 Sat

(And sorry it's taken me so long to reply. My desktop computer is down and out, and I now officially hate my laptop. But I digress....)

After I read your comments I went back and re-read this chapter along with the preceding chapter and the one following it. And I realized I don't need this one. Like you said, I can get this information across in different ways in other chapters. As it's written now it breaks up the story and really doesn't add anything to the book other than extraneous words (which I really, really don't need!) So why did I re-write it and keep it in? For no other reason than it was in the first draft. *hits self in forehead* This had made me go back and view with a critical eye the rest of this book. I've been so fixated with "fixing" what's already been written, taking out the plethora of "that"s and "was"s and similar unnecessary words, hunting for lurking adverbs *g*, and other editing stuff, that I never looked at each of these bits in context with the rest of the book. So many of them I don't need. I've rewritten them and edited them without realizing I don't need them just because I wrote them two years ago. (OMG, I've been working on this stupid book for two freakin' years! Too long!)

So here I go with revision #890,876,264,268. And when I'm done I'm hopeful there will be no more distinct pauses that don't need to be there, the information presented will be concise and tight, and I'll finally be content with it.

You have my undying gratitude for pointing this out. Thanks to you I now can see the forest without being distracted by the trees!

Hugs (and hugs, and hugs!),
Page

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