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Date Posted: 12:09:53 10/26/10 Tue
Author: Esther
Subject: Hey Page! Comments this way >>>
In reply to: Page 's message, "Here's the chapter >>>>" on 15:49:06 10/21/10 Thu

First off, I have to explain that I don't think in chapters. I don't write in chapters. And when I read, I skim or skip the titles and any cute little references or anything else to get to the goods. What works for me are scenes. And so now that you understand where I'm coming from...

For me, as a scene, I'm confused as to its purpose and I find myself back-tracking. And here’s why.

You start off with Katie finding a keyboard on her doorstep like an abandoned baby. Right here you told us all you needed to. But even so, my expectation is for what follows to be about the keyboard player because it started with him.

But then you take us back to Portobello Market, selling candles with Maureen, and explain Katie’s tired. Emotionally stressed. Adam is clerking. She wants far out Western Indian food. Depending on Adam’s mood. Which was gloom and doom for the past month. Back to the man sleeping against their door, with a remembrance of how things were back in the Haight. The physical description is nice, but doesn’t totally eliminate the junkie image I have in my mind.

She wakes him up. He’s an American. And for me the scene is at its best when they talk. It fits with my expectations that the scene is about him, because he’s a part of what’s happening. His presence and what he reveals is new. His purpose in this scene makes sense.

And just an aside here, but I was somewhat surprised to hear Stuart refer to Adam as a cat. Now I’m assuming the girls referred to the guys like that, but I don’t know, it was unexpected to hear another guy refer to another guy in the same way. Just my misconception, but I thought I’d let you know.

Okay back to Stuart and Katie talking and having a beer. A very natural conversation that I loved. Stuart makes his revelation that Jay is indeed starting a band and is planning on coming home soon.

But then, we’re back to being told about Adam. His funk, lack of funds, increased hours and stress level. Katie picks up the slack. And given the fact that we know she comes from money, this revelation isn’t surprising. Neither is the fading passion between Katie and Adam, because they didn’t really have passion together in the first place.

So I don’t know if your purpose was to introduce Stuart, make me want to visit with Maureen, diss Adam or anticipate Jay’s return, because from the sounds of it, he’s the end all, be all solution to everyone’s problems.

For me, a scene should have a concrete idea with a beginning, a lead up to some tension, perhaps a solution. I want to be able to understand how each piece moves the plot forward. This reads to me more like the tying of misc ideas to get a knot. And not surprising, the knot that ties everything in the story together is Jay.

I don’t think it’s a matter of the scene being too short. I think it’s a matter of putting these concepts into the place where they fit best. Your story is about Jay and Katie. Is a scene to introduce a band member absolutely necessary? Couldn’t he just as easily be introduced in another part? Say the night Jay gets back, after Adam and Katie argue about her going out and then Jay and Adam, who is now in great spirits, show up at Maureen’s, and they get invited to the club/bar/whatever you want to call it cause Jay is scoping out the next member of the band? A couple lines of dialogue and it’s all good. Same with Adam. Do we need to hear about his brooding? I mean, you do an excellent job of showing it and his other characteristics in other parts of the story without us as the reader having to have it told to us. It’s your story, and you know it and your characters better than anyone else, but I don’t think adding more words to flesh out a scene that, for me anyway, has no clear purpose, is the way to fix things. And I hope that makes sense. *G*

Hugs

Esther

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[> [> [> You know what? You're spot on! (As always!) >>>> -- Page (who can't seem to stay logged in!), 13:16:44 11/06/10 Sat

(And sorry it's taken me so long to reply. My desktop computer is down and out, and I now officially hate my laptop. But I digress....)

After I read your comments I went back and re-read this chapter along with the preceding chapter and the one following it. And I realized I don't need this one. Like you said, I can get this information across in different ways in other chapters. As it's written now it breaks up the story and really doesn't add anything to the book other than extraneous words (which I really, really don't need!) So why did I re-write it and keep it in? For no other reason than it was in the first draft. *hits self in forehead* This had made me go back and view with a critical eye the rest of this book. I've been so fixated with "fixing" what's already been written, taking out the plethora of "that"s and "was"s and similar unnecessary words, hunting for lurking adverbs *g*, and other editing stuff, that I never looked at each of these bits in context with the rest of the book. So many of them I don't need. I've rewritten them and edited them without realizing I don't need them just because I wrote them two years ago. (OMG, I've been working on this stupid book for two freakin' years! Too long!)

So here I go with revision #890,876,264,268. And when I'm done I'm hopeful there will be no more distinct pauses that don't need to be there, the information presented will be concise and tight, and I'll finally be content with it.

You have my undying gratitude for pointing this out. Thanks to you I now can see the forest without being distracted by the trees!

Hugs (and hugs, and hugs!),
Page

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