A little something from Chapter 2...>>> -- Ladies of Lallybroch Literary Forum

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Date Posted: 22:09:58 11/15/10 Mon
Author: Page2
Subject: A little something from Chapter 2...>>>
In reply to: Page2 's message, "Deb requested an excerpt, something, anything sooo...>>>" on 21:57:50 11/15/10 Mon

People were crazy, James thought as he shoved his way through the throng of party-goers, hanger-ons and groupies. He was tired; another one of those headaches coming on. He needed some pills, a little weed and some Jack. Then, when the headache disappeared he needed a good fuck. He eyed some of the young groupies and licked his lips. Yeah, a good lay helps relieve the stress, he thought as he reached out and took hold of a buxom blonde�s hand. She giggled, while the rest of the girls glared. They wanted to be the ones to spend the night with him. If this headache wasn�t so bad, he might let them all in. He grinned.

�James, stop this. Just go to bed,� said the voice within.

�Shut up and leave me alone,� he answered. Why didn�t the voice leave him alone? Why was it trying to ruin his fun?

�You call this fun. Sleeping with young girls, drugs�booze. You�re better than this James.�

�SHUT UP!� His head was throbbing now and his sex drive plummeted. James pushed the young girl back towards the bevy of females much to their delight. Her crestfallen, hurt face was lost on him as he strode fast down the hotel hall towards his room. He opened the door quick then slammed it shut behind him, making him wince from the sound. The shades were drawn and the lamps were on a low setting keeping the room on the darker side. The light hurt. His hands shook as he rubbed his temples and walked into his room.

Pills, I need my pills. His hands trembled as he found the baggie filled with a multitude of pink, blue, white and black pills. He pried out two white ones; Quaaludes, his choice for the night, popped them into his mouth and swallowed. Two new bottles of Jack Daniels sat on the table, he cracked one open and began to gulp it down. He drank almost half the bottle before he sat down on the couch. With the bottle between his legs, he pulled out his stash of weed and began rolling a fattie. When the joint was rolled he placed it between his lips, lit the end and inhaled deep. Exhaling with a choked cough, he repeated the process until the joint was nothing but a small roach.

The headache was dulling. Yeah, he knew how to fix it. A pill for everything and anything, all he had to do was ask. Wasn�t he James Donovan? He was famous now, riding high and livin the good life. Everything he needed or wanted was there in a flash. Living the rock-n-roll lifestyle he always dreamed of. Money, fast cars, women. He was in control now and his father�he could eat shit and die. The prick had the balls to show up and ask for a hand-out. Who did he think he was? A chuckle escaped him as he remembered the look on his father�s face when he had security escort him out. He didn�t need him, he didn�t need anyone.

�James�everyone needs somebody.�

�I don�t need anyone. Now get the fuck out of my head Seren and leave me alone.�

�You know I can�t, and you know you�re only hurting yourself now.�

�Shut up and go away.�

�Listen to me James. You were the victim of your father�s abuse, but it doesn�t have to continue. Stop the madness. Get off this crazy train now and start over. Once you used to listen to me. Did I ever steer you wrong? Listen to me now. Get out before it�s too late. You�re on the wrong path. These people you�ve surrounded yourself with, they�re��

�I�m not listening to you Seren. I have everything I ever wanted.� The bottle of Jack sat nestled between his legs; he lifted it up and drank the rest.

�James, listen to me.�

�No! You listen; get the fuck out of my head. I�m tired of sharing my space with you. You were wonderful to have around when my dad was pounding on me. You helped me get out of that craziness, but this�this is my life. You told me to do my music, so I did. Now look at me, my band�s number one. Number one Seren. I did that, not you. So if you can�t support me anymore then shut the fuck up and leave me alone. I don�t need you or him. Fuck you both! � He threw the empty bottle across the room and it shattered as it hit the wall.

�Feel better now James.�

He growled low. �You want some abuse Seren, I�ll give you abuse. I can shut you up.� He went to his bag of colored pills, found the one he wanted then swallowed. �If two won�t put you to sleep then three will put us both out for the night. Night Seren.�

�Why are you doing this to yourself? Is it worth it? You�re headaches��

�Are caused by you and you�re incessant chatter at me all day.�

�Oh it�s me, is it? Couldn�t be the drugs, booze, or your lifestyle? Clean up your act.�

�Go jump�� James laughed. �Oh yeah that�s right you can�t. You�re stuck in there. You jumped into me remember. Now deal with it!� James got up too fast and the room spun and shifted. Everything he ingested seemed to kick in at once. He could feel himself sliding and tumbling backwards. As he fell, his body landed on the couch. The last thing he heard was Seren�s sad, soft whisper.

�Oh James, when will you learn.�

- - -

The mind was a terrible thing to waste and James was definitely wasting his, Seren pondered. For as long as he had been jumping into humans; he couldn�t understand their need to over indulgence in everything. Most wanted what James had, and when they reached it, they did this, abused themselves. It was a mystery to him. It saddened him that these wandering spirits were no longer searching for attainment. They just lived, seeing nothing, but wanting it all.

James was going down-hill fast. He won�t last very long at this pace, and if he continues neither will I. He needed to get James to slow down. Listen, think for a change. He used too, until he got involved with that manager of his, John. The man was a cesspool, infected by the wraiths. He brought other infected people in, and they had spoon-fed James promises of grandeur. James was talented, he didn�t need them but his self-esteem was so low, he looked at John as the father figure he never had. John was only using him as his meal ticket. James was still being abused albeit just a different way.

Seren could feel James� spirit. It was tired from the running and abuse it was taking. James� gift � music � was even changing. James had a voice and could play the guitar till it made a person weep. As a spirit, it moved even him. But those melodies and songs were long gone, replaced with shrieks and hissing noise. The affliction was starting on James. He had to save him. It was his duty as a jumper and a one-light. There were no such things as accidents. Fate brought him here to be with James, and for whatever the reason he could not jump. Why couldn�t he remember how that happened? He always remembered things but since James was losing his spirit and filling this body with junk that clouded the mind, he was starting to forget. The more James did clouded up his mind and stayed with the evil ones, the more he forgot the reason he was here. But he did remember one thing.

Before James� spirit went spiraling into delta sleep bringing him along for the ride, Seren sent out a plea to the one person who could help. Angel. Seren hadn�t forgotten that much. He couldn�t forget Angel, if he did, he and James were doomed. James to the wraiths, and him - his spirit would cease to exist.

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[> [> James is a hot mess, isn't he? -- Debi, 06:33:10 11/16/10 Tue

You've been busy! James is already an interesting character, and Seren gives us a few hints about why he's so tortured. At this point, I feel bad for them both. James is swept away by his success and overindulging in EVERYTHING, and Seren's stuck in that toxic body. Good work showing the relationship, not easy to do when one of the characters isn't a physical person.

Nice work, now keep it up! You can do it!

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[> [> [> Yes but he's already mellowing...>>> -- Page2, 13:13:58 11/17/10 Wed

Thanks for the post Deb. Glad you like it. It's coming along nicely. Will post an Emma excerpt later.

I hit the 20,000 mark in NaNo the other day. Great feeling. :-)

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[> [> Re: A little something from Chapter 2...>>> -- Fi, 08:58:50 11/19/10 Fri

You've done a great job of getting into James' state of mind and the screwed-up-ness of his life. Flaws make the character, as I've said before :) Seren comes across like a parent or a frustrated spouse; that's not a bad thing, if you meant him to be like that. I'm definitely wondering what happens next.

Some minor nitpicky points below.

>Her crestfallen~~, hurt~~ face was lost on him
I'd leave out the "hurt" as it's implied by "crestfallen".

>His hands shook as he rubbed his temples ~~and walked into his room~~.
He's already in the room at this stage.

>He was famous now, riding high and living the good life.

>�Listen to me James. You were the victim of your
>father�s abuse, but it doesn�t have to continue.
>Stop the madness. Get off this crazy train now and
>start over. Once you used to listen to me. Did I
>ever steer you wrong? Listen to me now. Get out
>before it�s too late. You�re on the wrong path.
>These people you�ve surrounded yourself with, they�re��

This speech came across as a bit repetitive to me, particularly when Seren says "Listen to me" twice. Not sure James would let Seren speak for so long without interruption.

>~~You�re~~Your headaches��

>�Are caused by you and ~~you�re~~your incessant chatter at me

>�Oh James, when will you learn?�
End with question mark.

>He used too
Delete extra "o"

>John was only using him
>as his meal ticket. James was still being abused
>albeit just a different way.

I'm tempted to say "show, don't tell" about John. I want to see John and what he's doing to James. But you may have shown this elsewhere.

>Angel. Seren hadn�t forgotten that much. He couldn�t forget Angel; if he did, he and James were doomed. James to the
wraiths, and ~~him~~Seren - his spirit would cease to exist.
I got confused for a moment about which "him" you were talking about, so I'd suggest to include Seren's name again.

As usual, your mileage may vary and you can take or leave what I say!

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[> [> [> Thank you...you are so sweet...>>> -- Page2, 10:05:55 11/19/10 Fri

>You've done a great job of getting into James' state
>of mind and the screwed-up-ness of his life. Flaws
>make the character, as I've said before :) Seren comes
>across like a parent or a frustrated spouse; that's
>not a bad thing, if you meant him to be like that. I'm
>definitely wondering what happens next.
>

Hi Fi,

Thank you for the crit. I posted it as a rough draft, flaws and all. I didn't catch that Seren said listen to me repetitively in that one paragraph (3x). Clean-up in Chapter 2 - LOL.

Seren is a bit like a parent when it comes to James. I think that's why they argue alot. :-)

Big John is described (I think - hmm will have to go look now).

Overall, I'm just looking to find out if the story gels. I am not editing at this point. Just trying to get it out. I can add/delete/re-write/fluff/pad it up down the road. I will save these notations for when I reach that stage because you are spot-on.

Sometimes I feel like I am rushing the story to fast due to NaNo count, but I figure at the end when I'm reading I'll know what needs to be beefed up and fixed.

Thanks again Fi. Much appreciated. I'm sure I'll be posting again soon.

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[> [> Re: A little something from Chapter 2...>>> -- Lady Morilka, 10:15:28 11/24/10 Wed

I like this scene, and the abrupt change in pace when James knockes himself out. I don't know what the first chapter ist about and how much it explains, but I have the feeling that you put too much into serens train of thoughts here. I had a hard time getting what he is is and how he came to be there. Maybe that is explained before, but if not, it is a bit too much here IMHO. You don't nessesarily have to put all the information in in the first introduction, maybe if you leave out a bit more (like james past that has been hinted before) it may become easier to grasp. You can still add the information later in the book.
James s described very well especially by his actions. He is a messed up rock'n roller with a troubled past on a high flight with a dooming deep fall. With Seren I am missing that clarity a bit.
But as I said, I could be totally off since I don't know the first chapter.
What came out very good is the relationship between the two and the entanglement they are in. I'm waiting to read more, this sounds like a story with quite a few layers that will be interesting so really get into.

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[> [> Interesting. A sentient conscience. I like it! -- Larn, 14:09:46 11/27/10 Sat

I like the idea of a being actually being a person's conscience. I won't rehash the excellent things Fi pointed out, but I would like to reiterate one point about clarity of language.

You're going to have to walk a careful road when writing conversations between Seren and James, especially since they share a body! You've already done the most important part- giving them distinct voices. James and Seren speak with unique speech patterns. This will be your greatest asset when writing dialog between them.

When in doubt, use their proper names instead of pronouns. As Fi pointed out, it's important to be very clear when differentiating between the two characters, especially during an important plot reveal like the one above. If you find yourself using names too often, try restructuring your sentences to be clearer.

You've done a bang-up job of it in this section, however, and I'm looking forward to reading more!

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