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Date Posted: 11:45:54 09/24/09 Thu
Author: Debi
Subject: Newst version of new stuff...
In reply to: Debi 's message, "New stuff!" on 14:18:45 09/23/09 Wed

Same disclaimer and set-up, yadda, yadda.


Racquetball became a daily event, as long as Daniel was in town and Alan wasn’t swamped at the clinic. Today Alan had ducked out for an early lunch, taking advantage of the light schedule and his wife’s good nature. She had given Daniel a cheery wave and told him, “Thanks for wearing him out, he’s much better behaved after your games.” Then she’d kissed Alan goodbye and gone back to work, her grin still shining.

Truthfully, Daniel was glad to have some sort of routine in his life again. He was a creature of habit and some sort of routine suited him. Dealing with Cassie’s illness and death had been unbearable, turning his life inside out. Now that she was gone, and Penny settled with her Gran and in college, he could allow himself to resume a semblance of a regular schedule. A familiar pattern soothed him, made his mind calmer, and helped alleviate the guilt he felt at being relieved that his wife had finally succumbed, freeing them both from her unendurable pain. Despite the knowledge that he couldn’t have done anything more for her, despite her having told him point-blank that she wanted him to move on with his life after she died, he still felt stuck, unable to go back to what he had, reluctant to move forward and somehow betray his beloved wife’s memory. His routine hadn’t quite had the desired effect in that area yet.

Such dark thoughts were nearly jarred by force from Daniel’s mind as he was forced to duck when Alan’s powerful serve bounced of the back wall and rocketed toward him, almost parting his hair.

“Take advantage of my being tall.” He lined himself up, swung and connected with the ball. “I see how it goes now.”

Alan had to scramble to return his swing, jumping up to reach it. “Now you’re taking advantage of my being short.” With a grunt, he smashed the ball toward the back wall again. “Asshole.”

Daniel chuckled, skipping to the side to position himself for the next volley. The sounds echoed from the concrete walls, afternoon sun slanting into the court. He barely grazed the ball and it rolled away in a dribbling series of bounces. “Shit.” He trailed after it, picking up the ball and tossing it to Alan.

Alan grinned. “You are out of practice, my friend. I’ll have you whipped into shape in no time. Ready?” At Daniel’s nod, he tossed the ball up, let it bounce and swung hard, with a grunt, sending the ball into a corner, where it ricocheted crazily.

Another pointless scramble and Daniel just nicked it with his racquet. Recovering his balance, he shook his head, panting, beads of sweat already dripping from the end of his nose. “I may be a lost cause.” Wiping it off with the back of his hand, he straightened, catching his breath for the next round.

Alan raised his brows. “You’re not still thinking about selling the house, are you?”

Daniel took a deep breath, hoping his heart rate would slow a little more before they started again. “I don’t know. That was the original plan anyway. Sell the house, move back to England. Be close to Mum and Pen.” He plucked at the front of his shirt to pull it away from his sweaty chest.

“Nothing wrong with wanting to be near family. But you’ll stay, it gets cold there. How many times have you told me you can’t handle the cold anymore after being in the desert?” Devil’s advocate was Alan’s favorite stance in any discussion.

“Thousands, I’m sure.” It could have been once or twice, but he knew Alan would seize onto that single declaration and use it for all it was worth to make his point. “Okay, so maybe I’m only thinking about going back to England. But there are a lot of memories here.”

Alan paused, the ball forgotten in his hand. “I can’t begin to imagine what it must be like for you. If anything ever happened to--” He looked away, staring at a spot on the wall for a long moment. Then he looked back at Daniel, blue eyes piercing in the bright sunlight. “But some of those memories are good, right?”

Daniel nodded, struck by Alan’s uncharacteristic show of sentiment. “Right.”

“Then you’ll make new memories here. Because this is where you were happy. And this is where your daughter grew up. And because, if you quit already, who will I get to play with me?” The last sentence sounded almost like a little boy begging a playmate not to answer his mother’s call to come in. Alan’s streak of emotion was done.

Daniel nodded as Alan bounced the ball, preparing to serve again. “Point taken.” He looked at Alan with a small grin. “You’re not going to hug me now or anything, are you?”

Alan snorted. “You wish.” Swatting the ball, he moved aside to let Daniel have room.

“Well,” he returned the serve, “you are every man’s fantasy.” Daniel smirked at his friend.

“Dude, stop it,” Alan thwacked the ball back across the court toward the wall, sucking in a gulp of air, “you’re getting me all hot.”

Daniel snorted, returning to Alan’s concern about someone to play with. He made a deep lunge after the ball and sent it spinning away again. “Vanessa doesn’t play, I remember.” He slipped to one side to avoid getting trampled as Alan rushed to get in place. “But what about your sister-in-law, Valerie?”

“She might be willing to play,” Alan hit the ball with a grunt and a gasp, “but I don’t see it holding her interest long enough to learn the rules.” The last came out in a breathless rush as he tracked the ball’s progress around the court.

“There are rules?” Daniel returned the ball and backpedaled as Alan scurried to intercept it. It slipped by and Alan sighed, following the ball at a more sedate pace, hands on his hips to stretch his back. He bent to pick up the ball.

“Well, sort of. She’d rather wander around in the woods or something. Val’s not a big sports person, I’m afraid. Even when we were in college, she used to joke about hating football.”

“It’s not football,” Daniel grinned, catching the ball Alan tossed.

“Well, they weren’t playing soccer, either.” Alan flashed a brazen grin as Daniel pointed his racquet at him in mock-threat.

Daniel bounced the ball, hitting it as it rose again. “Treading dangerous ground there, my friend.” The ball caromed off the back wall. “She seems nice, what I’ve gathered from the clinic and dinner that night. What does she like?”

“Is that interest I hear?” Alan challenged as he timed the bounce to return it.

“I said she seems nice and I was making polite conversation.” This thought was interrupted by another blazing volley Daniel was forced to scramble to return. “Why do you feel compelled to imply more than was actually stated?”

“You asked about Valerie. You are interested.” Alan waggled his brows at him, looking away to connect with the ball.

“You going to answer my question?” Daniel punctuated his demand with a tremendous return that Alan missed completely.

“Since you put it that way, no.” Alan grinned, locating the ball in the far corner. “You want to know about her, you ask her yourself. Me, I’m just your friendly neighborhood enabler.” He bent to pick up the ball, brushing it against the leg of his shorts to remove some unknown soil. “You came back into my realm of influence, you get treated the same as everybody else I care about. I just want my friends and family to be happy.” He paused behind the serve line, giving Daniel a steady look. “Val happens to fall into both those categories and she hasn’t been happy for a long time.”

Daniel raised his brows, hearing the subtle warning in Alan’s words. “Make up your bloody mind. It’s either okay or it’s not okay that I asked the question.” He raked his forearm across his brow, wiping away the sweat. “At any rate, I wasn’t planning on abducting her and selling her, if that’s what you’re getting at.” The ball was tossed his way again and Alan grinned, the moment gone.

“It’s fine by me. Anyway, you probably wouldn’t get much for her, she can be mean. What the hell is the score?”

“We’re keeping score?”

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Replies:

[> [> Even better!! >>>> -- Page, 22:04:27 09/27/09 Sun

You did a super job explaining the significance of his routines, and how they were derailed when Cassie was ill. I also like the way he realizes on some level that those routines can't help in the healing process, though he wants them to.

You've added depth to this scene with this revision. Little things, like Alan brushing the debris off the ball, and Daniel pulling his sweat-soaked shirt away from his chest (Oh, swoon!) really puts me there with them.

The only thing I can find to pick at is Alan's asking Daniel if he's still thinking about selling the house. It still seems to come out of nowhere. Maybe Daniel could comment how he's used up all his energies on home repairs, or something like that. Then it wouldn't be so jarring when selling the place comes up.

I like this revision!

Hugs,
Page

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[> [> [> Good thought... hard getting the idea in there... -- Debi, 19:46:55 09/28/09 Mon

>You did a super job explaining the significance of his
>routines, and how they were derailed when Cassie was
>ill. I also like the way he realizes on some level
>that those routines can't help in the healing process,
>though he wants them to.
>
>You've added depth to this scene with this revision.
>Little things, like Alan brushing the debris off the
>ball, and Daniel pulling his sweat-soaked shirt away
>from his chest (Oh, swoon!) really puts me there with
>them.
>
>The only thing I can find to pick at is Alan's asking
>Daniel if he's still thinking about selling the house.
> It still seems to come out of nowhere. Maybe Daniel
>could comment how he's used up all his energies on
>home repairs, or something like that. Then it
>wouldn't be so jarring when selling the place comes up.
>
I want it to be something that you know they've probably discussed, even in passing, before this scene, but getting it in there without it coming our of left field is hard. Of course, I'm the Queen of comments coming out of nowhere in Real Life. A thought flits across my brain and comes out of my mouth before I can stop it sometimes. But my characters should be better than that!;-)

Thanks for the idea Page. I'll see what I can do with it. Glad it's sounding better though!

>I like this revision!
>
>Hugs,
>Page

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[> [> [> [> That's the thing about excerpts....>>>>> -- Page, 20:18:51 09/30/09 Wed


>I want it to be something that you know they've
>probably discussed, even in passing, before this
>scene, but getting it in there without it coming our
>of left field is hard. Of course, I'm the Queen of
>comments coming out of nowhere in Real Life. A thought
>flits across my brain and comes out of my mouth before
>I can stop it sometimes. But my characters should be
>better than that!;-)

If they have discussed it in a previous chapter, then I would say the way you have it is okay, maybe with Daniel saying something about having a lot on his plate, etc. before Alan's questioning him. If the reader already discerns that Daniel is considering selling the house, and knows the friendship between Daniel and Alan, then Alan's bringing it up wouldn't be coming out of left field. Which is why I am ready to have this book in its entirety so I can devour it until the cover falls off. *G* I love reading the excerpts, but have a hard time remembering that I'm only reading a part of the whole. I love this book, and can't wait to read it!
>
>Thanks for the idea Page. I'll see what I can do with
>it. Glad it's sounding better though!

It is, too! Like I said, the way you changed the pace, and the things you added, really drew me in, and put me right in that court with them.
>

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[> [> Re: Newst version of new stuff... -- Lady Morilka, 15:42:08 09/30/09 Wed

>Same disclaimer and set-up, yadda, yadda.
>
>
>Racquetball became a daily event, as long as Daniel
>was in town and Alan wasn’t swamped at the clinic.
>Today Alan had ducked out for an early lunch, taking
>advantage of the light schedule and his wife’s good
>nature. She had given Daniel a cheery wave and told
>him, “Thanks for wearing him out, he’s much better
>behaved after your games.” Then she’d kissed Alan
>goodbye and gone back to work, her grin still shining.
>
>Truthfully, Daniel was glad to have some sort of
>routine in his life again. He was a creature of habit
>and some sort of routine suited him. Dealing with
>Cassie’s illness and death had been unbearable,
>turning his life inside out. Now that she was gone,
>and Penny settled with her Gran and in college, he
>could allow himself to resume a semblance of a regular
>schedule. A familiar pattern soothed him, made his
>mind calmer, and helped alleviate the guilt he felt at
>being relieved that his wife had finally succumbed,
>freeing them both from her unendurable pain. Despite
>the knowledge that he couldn’t have done anything more
>for her, despite her having told him point-blank that
>she wanted him to move on with his life after she
>died, he still felt stuck, unable to go back to what
>he had, reluctant to move forward and somehow betray
>his beloved wife’s memory. His routine hadn’t quite
>had the desired effect in that area yet.
Ok, I understand that he needs routine, but what I miss here is an observation about his life been empty because his wife and daughter are both not there anymore. A lot of routine to bury one self into helps there to, at least it helps forget that the house awaiting you in the end is empty.
>
>Such dark thoughts were nearly jarred by force from
>Daniel’s mind as he was forced to duck when Alan’s
>powerful serve bounced of the back wall and rocketed
>toward him, almost parting his hair.
>
>“Take advantage of my being tall.” He lined himself
>up, swung and connected with the ball. “I see how it
>goes now.”
>
>Alan had to scramble to return his swing, jumping up
>to reach it. “Now you’re taking advantage of my being
>short.” With a grunt, he smashed the ball toward the
>back wall again. “Asshole.”
>
>Daniel chuckled, skipping to the side to position
>himself for the next volley. The sounds echoed from
>the concrete walls, afternoon sun slanting into the
>court. He barely grazed the ball and it rolled away in
>a dribbling series of bounces. “Shit.” He trailed
>after it, picking up the ball and tossing it to Alan.
>
>Alan grinned. “You are out of practice, my friend.
>I’ll have you whipped into shape in no time. Ready?”
>At Daniel’s nod, he tossed the ball up, let it bounce
>and swung hard, with a grunt, sending the ball into a
>corner, where it ricocheted crazily.
>
>Another pointless scramble and Daniel just nicked it
>with his racquet. Recovering his balance, he shook his
>head, panting, beads of sweat already dripping from
>the end of his nose. “I may be a lost cause.”
If your still thinking of how to bring the house in without it coming out of nowhere, maybe here is the place. You could have Daniel adding something like being better/having more practice with a paintbrush than with a racquet by now. Or something along that line.
Wiping
>it off with the back of his hand, he straightened,
>catching his breath for the next round.
>
>Alan raised his brows. “You’re not still thinking
>about selling the house, are you?”
>
>Daniel took a deep breath, hoping his heart rate would
>slow a little more before they started again. “I don’t
>know. That was the original plan anyway. Sell the
>house, move back to England. Be close to Mum and Pen.”
>He plucked at the front of his shirt to pull it away
>from his sweaty chest.
>
>“Nothing wrong with wanting to be near family. But
>you’ll stay, it gets cold there. How many times have
>you told me you can’t handle the cold anymore after
>being in the desert?” Devil’s advocate was Alan’s
>favorite stance in any discussion.
>
>“Thousands, I’m sure.” It could have been once or
>twice, but he knew Alan would seize onto that single
>declaration and use it for all it was worth to make
>his point. “Okay, so maybe I’m only thinking about
>going back to England. But there are a lot of memories
>here.”
>
>Alan paused, the ball forgotten in his hand. “I can’t
>begin to imagine what it must be like for you. If
>anything ever happened to--” He looked away, staring
>at a spot on the wall for a long moment. Then he
>looked back at Daniel, blue eyes piercing in the
>bright sunlight. “But some of those memories are good,
>right?”
>
>Daniel nodded, struck by Alan’s uncharacteristic show
>of sentiment. “Right.”
>
>“Then you’ll make new memories here. Because this is
>where you were happy. And this is where your daughter
>grew up. And because, if you quit already, who will I
>get to play with me?” The last sentence sounded almost
>like a little boy begging a playmate not to answer his
>mother’s call to come in. Alan’s streak of emotion was
>done.
I'm not sure, but i think it would fit better if that last sentence would have sounded teasing instead of begging. For me I imaging him grinning at that last sentence until you bring up the begging. That doesn't fit togehter and makes me stumble on every read IMHO.
>
>Daniel nodded as Alan bounced the ball, preparing to
>serve again. “Point taken.” He looked at Alan with a
>small grin. “You’re not going to hug me now or
>anything, are you?”
>
>Alan snorted. “You wish.” Swatting the ball, he moved
>aside to let Daniel have room.
>
>“Well,” he returned the serve, “you are every man’s
>fantasy.” Daniel smirked at his friend.
>
>“Dude, stop it,” Alan thwacked the ball back across
>the court toward the wall, sucking in a gulp of air,
>“you’re getting me all hot.”
>
>Daniel snorted, returning to Alan’s concern about
>someone to play with. He made a deep lunge after the
>ball and sent it spinning away again. “Vanessa doesn’t
>play, I remember.” He slipped to one side to avoid
>getting trampled as Alan rushed to get in place. “But
>what about your sister-in-law, Valerie?”
>
> “She might be willing to play,” Alan hit the ball
>with a grunt and a gasp, “but I don’t see it holding
>her interest long enough to learn the rules.” The last
>came out in a breathless rush as he tracked the ball’s
>progress around the court.
>
>“There are rules?”
LOL
Daniel returned the ball and
>backpedaled as Alan scurried to intercept it. It
>slipped by and Alan sighed, following the ball at a
>more sedate pace, hands on his hips to stretch his
>back. He bent to pick up the ball.
>
>“Well, sort of. She’d rather wander around in the
>woods or something. Val’s not a big sports person, I’m
>afraid. Even when we were in college, she used to joke
>about hating football.”
>
>“It’s not football,” Daniel grinned, catching the ball
>Alan tossed.
>
>“Well, they weren’t playing soccer, either.”
It may be just me, but I don't get that remark.
>Alan flashed a brazen grin as Daniel pointed his
>racquet at him in mock-threat.
>
>Daniel bounced the ball, hitting it as it rose again.
>“Treading dangerous ground there, my friend.” The ball
>caromed off the back wall. “She seems nice, what I’ve
>gathered from the clinic and dinner that night. What
>does she like?”
I would leave out where he gathered that from. The reader will know I guess, and Alan will to I'm sure.
>
>“Is that interest I hear?” Alan challenged as he timed
>the bounce to return it.
>
>“I said she seems nice and I was making polite
>conversation.” This thought was interrupted by another
>blazing volley Daniel was forced to scramble to
>return. “Why do you feel compelled to imply more than
>was actually stated?”
>
>“You asked about Valerie. You are interested.” Alan
>waggled his brows at him, looking away to connect with
>the ball.
>
>“You going to answer my question?” Daniel punctuated
>his demand with a tremendous return that Alan missed
>completely.
>
>“Since you put it that way, no.” Alan grinned,
LOL, Love that mockery there underlying all that serious talk.
>locating the ball in the far corner. “You want to know
>about her, you ask her yourself. Me, I’m just your
>friendly neighborhood enabler.” He bent to pick up the
>ball, brushing it against the leg of his shorts to
>remove some unknown soil. “You came back into my realm
>of influence, you get treated the same as everybody
>else I care about. I just want my friends and family
>to be happy.” He paused behind the serve line, giving
>Daniel a steady look. “Val happens to fall into both
>those categories and she hasn’t been happy for a long
>time.”
Just how many watch dogs does Val have in that book? I'm already at the count of three ;)
>
>Daniel raised his brows, hearing the subtle warning in
>Alan’s words. “Make up your bloody mind. It’s either
>okay or it’s not okay that I asked the question.” He
>raked his forearm across his brow, wiping away the
>sweat. “At any rate, I wasn’t planning on abducting
>her and selling her, if that’s what you’re getting
>at.” The ball was tossed his way again and Alan
>grinned, the moment gone.
>
>“It’s fine by me. Anyway, you probably wouldn’t get
>much for her, she can be mean. What the hell is the
>score?”
I always stumble across that "mean" here cos it sound so negative. And since Alan is fond of her why would he say something like that? What does he want to say with that? Mean sounds like someone who hurts people on purpose ore somethin. I would just discribe her as difficult or something along that line.
>
>“We’re keeping score?”
ROFL

I love the way that scene ends! It has a lot of serious stuff in it without being a heavy read. They play racquetball, teas each other and talk all more or less mixed. Really good writing. I'm starting to become addicted ;)

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[> [> [> Hooray! Such great ideas... -- Debi, 20:13:36 10/01/09 Thu

>Ok, I understand that he needs routine, but what I
>miss here is an observation about his life been empty
>because his wife and daughter are both not there
>anymore. A lot of routine to bury one self into helps
>there to, at least it helps forget that the house
>awaiting you in the end is empty.

You're brilliant!
>>

>If your still thinking of how to bring the house in
>without it coming out of nowhere, maybe here is the
>place. You could have Daniel adding something like
>being better/having more practice with a paintbrush
>than with a racquet by now. Or something along that
>line.

You're also a genius! After this week at work I'm surprised I know my own name, but your comments are prodding me back to the keyboard...;-)
>>“Then you’ll make new memories here. Because this is
>>where you were happy. And this is where your daughter
>>grew up. And because, if you quit already, who will I
>>get to play with me?” The last sentence sounded almost
>>like a little boy begging a playmate not to answer his
>>mother’s call to come in. Alan’s streak of emotion was
>>done.
>I'm not sure, but i think it would fit better if
>that last sentence would have sounded teasing instead
>of begging. For me I imaging him grinning at that last
>sentence until you bring up the begging. That doesn't
>fit togehter and makes me stumble on every read
>IMHO.

I'll play with it and see what happens.
>>

>>
>>“Well, they weren’t playing soccer, either.”
>It may be just me, but I don't get that remark.

AMerican-style football tends to be looked down upon by the Brits and what they call football is called soccer here. Just some more teasing.

“She seems nice, what I’ve
>>gathered from the clinic and dinner that night. What
>>does she like?”
>I would leave out where he gathered that from. The
>reader will know I guess, and Alan will to I'm
>sure.

Good point.
>>
>Just how many watch dogs does Val have in that
>book? I'm already at the count of three ;)

Several;-) She's been away from her family for the most part for eight years in an increasingly unhappy marriage. Now that she's back, the whole Roark herd has encircled her, much to her chagrin, most of the time.
>>>>“It’s fine by me. Anyway, you probably wouldn’t get
>>much for her, she can be mean. What the hell is the
>>score?”
>I always stumble across that "mean" here cos it
>sound so negative. And since Alan is fond of her why
>would he say something like that? What does he want to
>say with that? Mean sounds like someone who hurts
>people on purpose ore somethin. I would just discribe
>her as difficult or something along that line.

Alan's not only her brother in law, he's one of her best friends and they've known each other a long time. He'd call her 'mean' to her face, to tease her and she wouldn't deny it. It's the same way my own family teases.
>>
>>“We’re keeping score?”
> ROFL
>
>I love the way that scene ends! It has a lot of
>serious stuff in it without being a heavy read. They
>play racquetball, teas each other and talk all more or
>less mixed. Really good writing. I'm starting to
>become addicted ;)

Thank you very much!

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