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>>>Excerpt from <i>Carey On</i> >>>©2009 by Juli Morgan >>>Posted for purposes of critique only, and does not >>>constitute publication >>> >>> >>>Katie backed away as another coughing fit seized >her. >>>“Yes,” she gasped out. “Get away from me!” She >>>braced her hands on the table and fought for breath. >>>“Yes, I’m sure. My lungs are trying to come out my >>>throat, and I’m freezing to death while my face is on >>>fire. You need to get out of here before you come >>>down with it.” >><b>I'm amazed that she can still speak in long >>sentences like that without clearing her throught or >>coughing:</b> > ><i>The water helped a bit with that. I took her >symptoms directly from myself since I was sick with >this when I wrote it *G*, and a drink of water would >give me a brief respite. Actually, I think the water >helped my head more than my throat -- if I ><b>thought</b> it was helping, it did for a minute. >*G*</i> >>> >>> Another round of coughing made her clutch her >chest. >>>“Damn, that hurts.” <b>Oh do I know that I allways >>get that dry, lung wrenching coughing fits myself. It >>feels like your lungs are sandpapered and rubbing on >>each other.</b> > ><i>It's horrible, isn't it?</i> > > >>>“I’ll live. Maybe.” Katie dropped her head back on >>>the pillow. >><b>I don't know, I would let her wisper the "maybe" >>that would turn it from a bit of sarcasm to skeptic on >>katies part and would fit better with her feelings >>later on of beeing abandoned by Adam.</b> > ><i>Good idea! I'll use that!</i> > >>> >>>“No, you’re going to get two of these pills and >>>swallow them, first.” >><b>some things you don't want to hear *beg*</b> > ><i>LOL! You are so right. The last thing she wanted >to do was get up, get more water, and take the pills. >I could certainly sympathize with her.</i> > >..and her fever made >>>her thought processes fuzzy, so that it was hard to >>>remember to reset the alarm clock every time she took >>>an <b>one? before you wrote that she had to take two >>every four hours.</b> > ><i>Good catch! I'll correct this.</i> > > >><b>I'm wondering, isn't adam even trying to get >>informations or inquiries through Maureen? Even if >>someone told me not to call and I knew someone else >>who did, I would sneek greetings through there. I'm >>not sure if Adam does that or doesn't. Maybe you >>should make a point of that either here or when Katie >>mulles over adams ready departure after she told him >>to leave.</b> > ><i>That's a good point. I think I'll add it later, >when she's thinking about how he really left her >alone, even though she told him to. Also, Adam got >irritated with her when she told him to stop calling. >He might tell Maureen something along the lines of, >"Tell her I hope she's better," but he's miffed at >her. That's why he didn't tell Jay or any of the >other guys that Katie was sick. In fact, he didn't >tell them at all -- Nicky did. I just realized I >forgot to have Jay specify that. Thanks for jarring >my memory for me!</i> > >>> >>>Hazel eyes bored into hers, making her feel like a >>>small child that had deliberately done something >>>wrong. “Why is your hair damp?” >><b>Great!! You really brought to life that experation >>of having to handle a sick person and not loosin ones >>temper. Love it!</b> > ><i>Thank you! I kind of took this from the way my >husband talks to me when I'm sick. *G* He must have >the patience of a saint.</i> >>> >>> >>>Katie grimaced at the glass in her hand. “What is >>>that? Pond scum?” >>> >>>“Two big swallows. Now.” >><b>Why do sick people tend to be that subborn? :D</b> > ><i>LOL! I think it must be because that's the only >thing they can try to control.</i> >>> >>>Raising the glass to her face, Katie got a good whiff >>>of the contents. “Ew! Jay, that’s the most >>>disgusting thing I’ve ever smelled. I’m not drinking >>>that!” >><b>Ok, here you got me wondering. All we ever hear >>here ist that katie has a bad cough and fever. What >>about the rest that usually comes with it? A sore >>throught, not getting any air through your nose...</b> > ><i>Katie and I both had a respiratory virus. It >affected the lungs, but not the nasal passages. So >she didn't have nasal congestion, or a runny nose. >The congestion was all in the lungs, and the viral >infection is what caused her fever. So luckily, Jay >didn't have to see her blowing her nose. *G*</i> > > > > >>>Even though she’d ordered everyone away from her, >he’d >>>still come to see about her, and make sure she was >>>alright. She watched him swig from the bottle of >>>whiskey again, and rolled toward him. >><b>I am missing her thought about that she could at >>least show some gratitude towars jay because he came. >>You had it in the previos version, and maybe it would >>fit in here. At least I think it would fit into her >>train of thought here ;)</b> > ><i>You're right, it would. I agree, and I'll add it >back in.</i> >>> >>> > >> >><b>I really like this scene. But you have to watch >>those blanks ;) there it at least ones a time where >>you get two in a row. Ones per paragraph! (but it may >>also be something the board strews in, I'm not sure) >>Another thing is that I don't like too much talk >>during the sex itself, at least when ist is consistent >>of incomplete sentences ;) I think less is more here. >>The last "katie" for example yould have more impact >>IMHO if he hadn't said her name so often before. >>But over all al real keeper. I like the way the moods >>swing in the scene. You got everything in there from >>fear to joy and it is all believable and real.</b> > ><i>I think you're right about the board throwing in >the blanks. The way I have my manuscript formatted >doesn't translate well when I copy and paste to post. >So I have to go back and add spaces between the >paragraphs, etc., and I think the board must interpret >that in a strange way every now and again. > >Thanks for the crit, Lady M! I appreciate your time, >and suggestions!! > >Hugs, >Page</i>
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