Well... I don't know if you'll agree with me, but my comments >>> -- Ladies of Lallybroch Literary Forum

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Date Posted: 12:26:47 09/29/09 Tue
Author: Esther
Subject: Well... I don't know if you'll agree with me, but my comments >>>
In reply to: Esther 's message, "Hey Page. I'm about half-way through a crit for this, so will be back with my comments later tonight or tomorrow." on 15:41:31 09/27/09 Sun

I don't know if I like this. Maybe it's just me, and maybe I'm trying too hard. But, I don't like it. Tell me what y'all think -- I need fresh eyes, and fresh perspective.

Well I agree with you to a certain extent. I think my commentary is pretty self explanatory. But I’ll try to comment on the things I have troubles on. Here we go.

Excerpt from Carey On
©2009 by Juli Morgan
Posted for purposes of critique only, and does not constitute publication

The delicious aroma of chocolate chip cookies baking permeated the entire ground floor of the house, bringing up thoughts of cold winter days, cozy fires, and lazy afternoons spent munching warm cookies and drinking mulled cider. Jay looked out the leaded glass of the library window at the hot summer sunshine, and sighed. He wouldn’t be there to see snowflakes falling outside that window, or feel the comforting heat of the fireplace at his back. For some reason, Shadowed Knight seemed to be stuck in a rut of touring during the winter months, and ice storms in upstate New York or blizzards in Seattle weren’t his idea of fun. Ironic, how making enough money to keep himself in the luxuries he craved also kept him from enjoying them.

I’d suggest a period after months instead of a comma. Not to be picky but I did have to re-read it a couple times to get the right flow.

And that last sentence - how true.

Depressed by the thought of hitting the road again, he pulled his attention back to Katie and Adam. Adam had just spent a week in Brighton with his mum, and had taken Alex with him. Of course he’d taken scads of pics, and with the shining pride of fatherhood, was showing them to Katie who sat next to him on the loveseat. She ooh’d and ahh’d over each snapshot, even as she inched away from Adam. Jay’s eyes narrowed. If she kept it up, she was soon going to be sitting on the arm of the loveseat, and Jay wondered if she’d let it go that far. She probably would. It was the only thing that irritated him about her, love her though he did. Avoiding direct confrontation was an art form with her, but it did tend to make life difficult at times.

Okay, just got that a few years had passed. And my first thought was what the heck. *G* This confrontation didn’t take place for years??? I think you’re holding out on me.

He felt his blood pressure rise another notch at the sight of Adam’s fingers as they brushed against Katie’s arm, a slow, lingering touch that was a caress, and not accidental contact. Katie shifted her arm, and Adam’s hand fell away. But only to come to rest next to her thigh, left bare by the cutoff shorts she wore. Jay raised his gaze from Adam’s hand, and found the son of a bitch looking right at him, a smile playing about his lips. With an effort, Jay forced himself to return the smile, but made sure it didn’t reach his eyes. If Adam wanted to sit and paw Katie, then let him. Jay had no doubt that Katie could take care of herself. But if Adam wanted to challenge Jay about it, then he’d better be prepared for a battle.

And I can’t believe Jay’s letting him get away with it. Am I in a different world here?

The state of détente under which they’d all lived for the past two years had started to disintegrate when Janie had divorced Adam. The mask of devoted friend that Adam had worn during his marriage had evidently been awarded to Janie in the divorce settlement, and Adam had become brazen about showing his interest in Katie. It had started out small, with hugs that lasted a fraction of a second too long, and with parting kisses that made Katie jerk her head away before they had ended. From there it had progressed through the summer to flower deliveries, and small gifts that Katie accepted with reluctance before donating them to various charities. Now Adam had raised the stakes with the lingering touches, and the pressing of his body against Katie’s when he stood next to her. Katie hadn’t said anything about it, yet, and until she did, Jay was determined to keep quiet as well. He didn’t want any outright hostilities any more than she did, but that superior smile Adam had just given him…that couldn’t go unchallenged.

F that. Come on Jay! Get hostile. He’s pawing your woman! And you wait till he challenges you?????

Not that Jay hadn’t exacted a small measure of revenge already. Since he was prevented by Katie’s silence from direct confrontation with Adam, he’d used subtle, devious methods to let Adam know just who was in charge. During the recording of Shadowed Knight’s album in June, Jay had made Adam record the vocals over and over, until Adam’s throat had been raw. The song Adam had written, composing the music as well as the lyrics, had been passed over for inclusion on the album, replaced by a guitar instrumental that featured Jay only. And Jay had been over-solicitous in expressing his sympathies for the break up of Adam’s marriage, adding carefully worded digs about empty beds, and long, lonely nights, making sure Adam got the point that he, Jay, suffered from no such conditions.

Sorry. This is one of the things I don’t like. Jay’s acting like a child to the detriment of his band. Not that his instrumental wasn’t better, but still. *G* The other band members must see it as well, and they should be respecting him right? And as much as I’m dissing Adam right now, maybe as a song-writer/singer, he had something to contribute and Jay basing his decisions on personal feelings of needing revenge, well…now he’s losing his credibility with me as an artist. When he’s with the band, the good of the band should come first. That’s what a leader does. He leads. Not sabotage his own album for spite. And as far as expressing his sympathies, well. I’d like Jay to be the better man and not swoop down to Adam’s level. The fact that Jay is still with Katie, doesn’t that say it all???

Adam’s hand started to creep up Katie’s thigh, and she jumped up from the loveseat as if she’d been pricked by a pin. “Gotta go check those cookies,” she said with a false smile, and thrust the photos at Adam before rushing from the room. The moment she’d cleared the door, Jay gave Adam a hard stare, the memory of that taunting smile fresh in his mind.

“Would you prefer it if I left the room so you can paw her in earnest?”

Adam leaned back, and gave Jay a lazy, insolent grin. “You don’t have to leave the room. After all, it’s your house.”

“And she’s my lady. Keep your bloody hands off her.”

Awwww He called her a lady! Damn I love him

Adam’s grin widened. “I will when she tells me to. Until then…”

Too wimpy to say it Adam? I do believe the words are fuck off

“I’m telling you to. She’s tried to get the message across, but you’re too fucking thick to get it.”

Shaking his head, Adam attempted to chuckle. “You’re imagining things. She doesn’t seem bothered by my attentions.”

So how come Adam is still talking? Shouldn’t he be on the floor after Jay punches him out???

Jay raised his eyebrows. “And I suppose her scooting all the way across the sofa to get away from you is your idea of capitulation?”

Adam shrugged. “Of course she’s nervous about it. Now that I think about it, maybe you should leave the room.”

Okay, just had a thought out of the blue. Subtlety would be the key. Sneaking around behind Jay’s back feels like more of Adam’s style. How long has he been so open in front of Jay about it? Since the divorce?

Jay snorted in derision. “That’s not nervousness, you burk. You’re making her uncomfortable. And if she’s uncomfortable, so am I. So keep your fucking hands off her.”

Men are physical by nature. Why is Adam still sitting all smug on the loveseat with a grin on his face and not bleeding on the floor? Geez. I sense a common thought here. Adam on the floor….

“Only when Katie tells me to.”

Adam doesn’t know her very well, but I think he knows Katie well enough to know she won’t say anything. So what’s his game?

“When Katie tells you to do what?” Katie asked, re-entering the room. Her steps slowed as Jay looked up at her, not bothering to hide his irritation. “What’s going on?”

“Jay’s just told me to keep my fucking hands off you, and I was wondering if you felt the same way.” Adam gave Jay a ‘so there!’ look before turning his gaze to Katie.

Well, finally something honest.

She wasn’t looking at him, but at Jay, and Jay could see the confusion in her green eyes. He leaned his head against the high back of the wing chair, and gave her an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry, love. I wasn’t going to say anything until you brought it up, but…” He shook his head. “I just couldn’t keep still any longer.”

And now HE is apologizing? Oh this is oh so wrong. See. In the first paragraph, he states that she would avoid confrontation at all costs. He knows she’ll never say anything. So in a way, he’s avoiding the confrontation too. And that T’s me off. In the hallway scene, or the one prior to it, he’s taking an active part in protecting his lady, when she wasn’t his lady. Yet. Why isn’t he doing so now?

This is Jay’s POV so that first sentence through me. S/B she wasn’t looking at Adam but at him, and Jay

Katie’s answering smile, though small, held forgiveness, and some of the tension went out of Jay’s shoulders. “Don’t be sorry,” she told him. “I should have said something before now, only…” She dropped down into the matching wing chair on the opposite side of the dark fireplace, and sighed.

No doubt! Geez Katie, didn’t you learn anything from the confrontation you had the night of the hallway scene? Or what I remember of the hallway scene. Apparently that’s all changed too, and I still have to read it. *sigh* Maybe I’m just trippin’ *G*

“Only what, love?” Adam’s face as he gazed at her was full of hope, and Jay moved to erase it.

Finally! Get him Jay!

“Only she thought you’d get the message without her having to spell it out for you, that’s what.” Try as he might, Jay couldn’t keep the contempt out of his voice, and Adam responded to it by turning to him with a glare.

Oh crap. He’s still talking. :- (

“Or,” Adam said between clenched teeth, “maybe she’s not so sure she wants me to leave her alone. Ever think of that? Mate?”

Well…her actions could indicate that. And she never did say she wanted him to stop, even after a direct question. Damn. A point for Adam. Although now that I’ve read those comments where Jay wanted them to get caught and knew what he was doing…hmmm…maybe it goes both ways. Maybe Adam thinks that Katie will be more receptive to him because she shouldn’t be getting it on with him. Does that make any sense. Oh heck. I need a drink. You see what I’m resorting to?

“Stop it!” Katie’s posture was stiff with tension as she looked back and forth between the two of them. “I can speak for myself, you know.” She ran her hands through her hair, pushing it off her forehead. “And it’s like Jay said – I thought you’d get the message that I don’t want you to give that kind of attention to me, Adam. I don’t know what you’re trying to prove, but…”

Can she speak for herself? Cause she hasn’t been. I can speak for myself but it’s like Jay said? And she should know by now that men’s wiring doesn’t allow them to process subtlety

“I’m not trying to prove anything.” Adam leaned toward her, trying to catch her eye. “I just want you to give me another chance.”

How sad. Quit coveting what Jay has and go get your own

Jay couldn’t stop the sound of disbelief that escaped him, but desisted at Katie’s quelling look. She was right – it was her fight, and she could speak for herself.

To quote Hermione Granger, ‘Let’s see it then’

“Another chance?” she asked Adam. “Another chance for what?”

The word you’re looking for is no. Or never. Perhaps not in a million years. When hell freezes over…Not another chance for what. Sounds like she’s stalling

“Another chance to show you how much I love you. We can try again, Katie.” He tossed a withering glare at Jay. “It’s not like he’s ever asked you to marry him, and…”

Yeah right. Okay, back to the voyeur thing. Watching your girl having better sex with your best mate is not love. Even if he only came in at the end. (No pun intended *G* ) Not confronting them/her, is not love. Hell leaving her when she’s ill is not love. And asking her to marry him, well that’s not love either. And the fact that he’s already had one failed marriage should demonstrate that. And criticizing a relationship that’s working, when you just proved you can’t stay in one, well…honestly. I had a point to make, just can’t remember what it was…

“That is none of your business!” Katie’s voice was hard. “How do you know Jay hasn’t asked me to marry him?”

Well, at least she stands up for him. But first she says it’s none of his business. So why she explain anyway? Or half insinuate he had? Like she’s ashamed that he hasn’t?

Jay’s heart pounded in his chest, and he fought to keep his face impassive. No, he hadn’t asked her, even after her champagne-gilded confession that she wanted to marry him. He had never been sure that Katie really meant the things she said that night because she sure as hell didn’t remember them; and, fearing it had just been the alcohol talking, he’d been too afraid to rock the boat, despite his desire to propose. Damn it, why hadn’t he married her before now, or at least asked her? It was galling to have Adam throw it up to her, to make it seem like Jay didn’t care enough about her to make her his wife. And, fuck’s sake, he couldn’t ask her now! She’d just think it was because of what that son of a bitch had said. Jay tossed a glance filled with hatred toward Adam, but he didn’t see it, too intent on Katie to bother with Jay.

You snooze you lose.

“You’re right, Katie, I’m sorry. All I meant was there’s no real connection between you. You’re free to choose. And I know so much more about you now, Katie, and understand you so much better. I know I can make you happy.”

Well holy crap. No real connection? Free to choose? Where the heck has Adam been? And suddenly by being married and divorced he understands her so much better? Can make her happy? How? By asking her to half raise his son?

Katie shook her head. “If you really think that, then you don’t understand me at all. I could never be happy without Jay. I wasn’t then, and I sure as hell wouldn’t be now. There’s a real connection between us, no matter what you think. I love him, Adam.”

This I like

“You loved me once,” Adam flung at her, and Jay saw her flinch.

“Not the way…not the way you wanted. Not the way a woman loves the man she wants to be with forever.” Her eyes pleaded with Adam to understand. “I love you as a friend, Adam, but not as a lover.”

So why she using the word love again. Adam will hear the love you and tune out the as a friend part. No wonder the poor guy is so confused. That first sentence, now that says it all

Adam’s face grew hard. “Well, you certainly gave a good impression of it. That is, until lover boy here crawled into my bed and seduced you.”

OOOOH! To the good stuff!

Jay could keep still no longer. “Really, Adam,” he said, and forced a lazy sounding chuckle. “Are you referring to the night you played peeping tom and watched us? I actually remember Katie seducing me that night. I’d already seduced her in your bed the week before, but you didn’t catch that show.” Ignoring Katie’s warning scowl, he continued, his voice low and insolent. “But even that wasn’t the first time we’d slept together. No, that happened here. And if I recall correctly, we seduced each other that night.”

Just gotta ask. Why the eulogy of his prowess here? The fact that they felt guilt at the kiss they shared (during the castle scene unless that’s changed too?) they both seemed to feel it was wrong, at least until Katie broke it off with Adam, which she took her sweet time to do. And admittedly it might not have been all that nice to Adam. But their attraction was attractive because of it. Here, Jay cheapens it somehow. Bragging is not attractive and that’s how I see this. I did, she did, we both did. Those first few lines draw attention to the fact that Adam was wrong to peep. And then Jay draws attention to the fact that he done wrong too. Geez, I don’t think I’m making sense anymore. *G*

Adam jumped to his feet. “You motherfucking bastard! Proud of yourself, aren’t you? I should have beaten you to a bloody pulp two years ago.”

Well, at the least brought it up. Or am I just missing that scene as well.

“Ready to give it a go, are you?” Jay stood, adrenaline pumping through his veins. “Have at it then, nancy boy, and we’ll see who’s a bloody pulp at the end.”

Woo! ‘Bout time!

Then Katie was between them, a hand on each of their chests to keep them apart, her voice frantic as she begged them to stop. Jay took a step back, not wishing to upset her further, but Adam couldn’t let it be.

Damn *G* You know, I’m usually sweet by nature. ;-)

Okay, why don’t you let her speak those words instead of telling us she spoke them. This is where the action is after all

“That’s what you want, Katie?” he demanded. “A smug bastard who sneaks around to bang his best friend’s girlfriend?”

Better choice than the bastard who watches it. And Adams behaviour isn’t any better. Making moves on Katie when she’s attached elsewhere. And if she was willing he’d be doing some banging himself. Thats kinda hypocritical.

And I don’t think Jay was exactly sneaking. Adam just wasn’t around to see it because he was too concerned doing his own thing.

Jay stepped forward again, ignoring Katie’s hand on his chest. “What are you wanting, an apology? Well, you’re bloody not getting one, because I’m not sorry.” He laughed at Adam’s look of astonishment. “And what’s more, I’d do it again!”

“Do you hear him, Katie? He’s admitting he broke us up!”

*shakes head* Now there’s a man living in the great land of denial if I ever saw one

“Stop it!” Katie screamed. At this uncharacteristic display of emotion, both men froze, staring at her. “This is what I didn’t want to happen. Jesus!” Dropping her arms, she whirled to face Adam, breathing hard. “He didn’t break us up, Adam. No, he did not,” she added when he shook his head. “We were over before anything happened. I’d already rented that flat in Maureen’s building before I ever slept with Jay.”

Isn’t Maureen’s flat in the same building as Adam’s?

“No.” Adam shook his head again. “No, I saw you that night. I saw you! That was weeks before you left and rented that flat.”

Yeah, we know he got an eyeful. And hasn’t it occurred to him that if she was getting what she needed at home, er…you know what I mean…there would be no way Jay would have stood a chance?

“Listen to me. I already had that flat. I rented it the night…” She swallowed, and pressed her lips together. “I rented it the day your father had his first heart attack. I was trying to tell you when your mother called. Then when you came back, I got sick, and then…” She squeezed her eyes shut. “I should’ve gone. I should’ve gone then.” Tears began leaking from under her eyelids.

“Why didn’t you?” Adam’s voice was hard.

“I didn’t…I thought maybe…” Katie put her hands over her face, and sobbed. “I don’t know,” she wailed. “I don’t know why.”

Adam took a step toward her, and Jay moved fast to put his hands on her shoulders. He wasn’t going to let Adam touch her again, not if it killed him. Adam glanced up at Jay, and then back at Katie, dismissing him from the conversation. Jay bristled, but held his tongue.

“That’s all very interesting, Katie,” Adam said. “But it’s not what you told me when you finally decided to end things between us, is it? Haven’t you ever bothered to inform your new lover that you were just using him the way you said you used me?”

Katie jerked her head up, and glared at Adam. Tears continued to roll down her cheeks, but her voice didn’t waver. “You were so quick to believe that, weren’t you? All that bullshit about how much you loved me, but let me tell you I was just using you, and you jumped right on that bandwagon.” She stamped her foot at his uncomprehending stare. “I lied, you idiot! I wasn’t using you, and I wasn’t using Jay. I needed a way out where you wouldn’t blame Jay. There was no way I was going to let you fuck up Jay’s band.”

Why do I feel like I’m missing something here? Anyway…my memory is telling me that Adam kept Jay away from her even in the beginning, and that if Jay hadn’t stopped by out of the blue to see if Adam (drawing a blank here), then he, Jay, would not have met her. So, how could she have been using Adam to get to Jay? Once they met, everything kinda happened all at once didn’t it?

“Jay’s band?” Adam flushed with anger. “Jay’s band?”

“Yes, Jay’s band. Hey, you said it yourself, Adam. I told you once before I met him that he needed you, too, that he couldn’t go out and do it alone, and you said he could. You said Jay was the draw, the one with the presence that made him a star. You said it was Jay’s band. And you know what? You. Were. Right.” Her tears had ceased, and she was breathing hard with her own anger. “And I wasn’t going to let this come between the two of you, and mess that up. So when you asked me if I had just been using you to get to Jay, I jumped on it, and told you I was. And for your information, I did tell Jay what I’d said, and he was furious with me for taking all the blame on myself. But you…Oh, no, Adam. You believed it. You believed the worst you could about me, with no hesitation at all.”

That sucks

Jay felt Katie’s body begin to tremble under his hands, and he pulled her back against him, ready for this to be over, ready to have Adam gone.

Her voice was thick with tears again. “So don’t you stand there and tell me you still love me, and spout off about how much you understand me. You just can’t take it that Jay won. Again. You don’t want me, you just want to best him. And you never will. You never can.” She turned blindly, and Jay took her into his arms.

And she’s crying again. A couple paragraphs her tears had ceased and she was spitting mad. What happened? I think I’ve mentioned this before, but can’t be certain, so here I go again. If this is a confrontation, and she’s angry, Jay’s angry and Adam is angry, I’d think they are talking too much, my need for blood, notwithstanding. *G* And I could be wrong, but I have my suspicions that some of this is already known. We would have known what Katie said to Adam to justify their breakup without screwing up Jay’s band, so that much at least can be eliminated. The part where she tells Jay what she says and he’s furious for her taking the blame, I’m assuming that’s somewhere previous too.

“It’s alright, baby,” he whispered into her hair as she sobbed against his chest. “It’s okay. Don’t cry, love, it’s okay.” He looked up at Adam standing there, shell shocked, and nodded his head toward the door. “You need to leave.”

Adam’s throat moved visibly as he swallowed. “I…”

“Now.” Jay’s voice was like steel. “You’ve upset her enough, and I want you gone.”

See here? Jay’s explaining why he wants Adam to go. If’n it were me, which it’s not, I’d try to keep it short and cut everything after like steel. Shorter sentences have more impact and when emotions are running high, I think the simpler and more to the point the better. This is Jay’s POV, we understand he wants Adam to leave. I wouldn’t have a problem with him just saying Now.

After a moment, Adam bent and scooped up the pictures of Alex from the loveseat. Without looking back, he left the house, slamming the heavy front door behind him.

What? He didn’t close it softly behind him? *G*

Katie cried harder at the sound, and Jay tried to comfort her, smoothing her hair, kissing her forehead, and murmuring quiet, soothing words.

“But, Jay,” she gulped. “What if he doesn’t come back?”

“It doesn’t matter. I can replace him in a heartbeat. Yes I can,” he said when he felt her shake her head. “I can think of a half-dozen blokes right off the top of my head who can do just as well or better than him. Promise me you won’t worry about that. Katie, listen to me. Are you listening?” She nodded, and he sighed. “Good. I want you to know I meant it when I said I wasn’t sorry. I’m not. And I meant it when I said I’d do it again, because I would.” He kissed the top of her head, and tightened his embrace. “You’re worth it, Katie. You’re worth all of it, and more.”

Okay, if Adam was so easily replaced, and they seemed to have this hate hate relationship for a couple/few years, why the heck was Adam with the band for so long?

His eyes traveled around the room, the tall shelves filled with rare books, and art pieces he’d thought he couldn’t live without. His gaze took in the Aubusson rug on the floor, and the intricately carved tables placed just so throughout the room. The cover of Shadowed Knight’s first album, framed and hanging above the fireplace captured his attention for a moment, and finally his roving gaze rested on the leaded glass panes of the window he’d looked out earlier. And he realized he didn’t give a damn about any of it. He hadn’t lied – she was worth it, and he didn’t care if he lost everything he owned, as long as he never lost her.

Awwww

Okay. As a reader, those are my reactions. Now considering I’m doubting what I thought I knew, I could be way off base, so feel free to ignore me.

What I do need to say though is this. If you don’t like this, that means there is something not quite right. That sixth sense we have as writers is telling you something. And only you’ll know what it is cause you know the rest of the story. So I hope my impulsive comments help with that. If nothing else, you get a glimpse of what’s going through my head and see if I have the slightest reaction that you wanted.

Now, you have whole paragraphs of dialogue in here. And that slows the pace down. For me a good confrontation has a lot of going back and forth, so I’d suggest breaking it up a bit. But I know when I have a point to make, I’m not going to sit back and wait for someone to finish a longwinded explanation of past history. Interrupt them. Have them say a few things, and let the other counter. It’s like a debate that both sides believe they are right and will try to get their point across. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with allowing them to say their piece, and if it takes an entire paragraph, fine. But it shouldn’t be overdone.

And I think this is the last thing. When I was reading this, I kept picturing them up and moving, and then I’d realize they were still in those ol’ wingbacks. Jay’s ticked off, and he leans his head back into the chair. He didn’t even scoot forward when he confronted Adam when Katie went to check the cookies. Where’s the adrenaline? He sat in that dang chair until Adam brought up the ol’ voyeur thing. No one really moves around. Body language would indicate some of those emotions that you want to come across. When Adam was indignant and flushed with anger at the term Jay’s band, what else was there? Was his body tense? Jaw clenched? Hands fisted?

So there. I think I’ve said enough.

But I’m going to cheat and cut and paste a couple things here.

>
>
>Katie snatched up a Kleenex, and coughed into it as he
>made his way to the bed. She gave him a baleful glare.
>“I swore I wasn’t going to subject anyone to this
>horrible virus, and there you stand, breathing in all
>these germs.”
>
>He held the cup out to her. “Drink this, but be
>careful. It’s hot. Honestly, Katie, if I was going to
>catch this, I would have caught it from you last week
>when you were contagious, don’t you think?” He watched
>as she blew on the soup before tasting it. “I didn’t
>even know you were ill until this morning, or I’d have
>been here sooner.” A hard look came into his eyes. “I
>cannot believe you’ve been here by yourself for three
>fucking days.”
>
>Awwwww
>
>OH! Just had a flashback here! And the great thing
>is I remember now! That was when he was talking about
>castles and they kissed and then…oh oh oh! I got it.
>The guilt came later right, but they both kinda
>surrendered to the inevitable. *sigh*

LOL! Well, kind of...The last week he's referring to is when he asked Katie over for dinner, since she was worn out from taking care of Maureen, and she didn't make it home that night.

One of these days lady, I’m going to want to read this thing from the beginning just to have the satisfaction of having it straight in my mind. So you better get it together soon. You get me? *G*

>Katie looked up at him through her lashes. “If you
>don’t know, I’m not telling you.” She lowered the
>zipper, and started pulling the denim down over his
>hips. The floorboards gave an alarming creak, and they
>both froze for an instant, looking toward the windows.
>Katie dismissed it, figuring the building wouldn’t
>blow down in the next fifteen minutes, and returned to
>the business at hand. Once the jeans were off, she
>rolled them into a ball, and tossed them on the bed
>next to her.
>
>K Just gotta say, I’m horrified here. And was in
>the previous version as well. *G* The wind can’t
>make the floorboards creak. And Katie dismissed it,
>but what about Jay????

Good catch! See, the floorboards have been explained in previous chapters. When the outside door on the ground floor is opened, wind rushes up the stairwell, making the building creak and groan, and it also makes the floorboards pop in Katie and Adam's flat. If Katie hadn't been inebriated here, she'd have known it wasn't the wind, but someone entering or exiting the building three floors down. Jay, though, hasn't a clue. He just thinks the building is a death trap. *G*

K, let me clarify. Horrified in a good way. *G*
>
>
>“You certainly…do.” The last word was almost a groan,
>as Katie sat on him, her lower body coming into full
>contact with his throbbing erection. “And just where
>are your knickers, little girl?”
>
>little girl? Hmmmm

Perv. *G* Actually, the term was used quite often in Britain during that time period as a term of endearment.

LOL Don’t you know me well. And well…not a very flattering endearment is it?

>
>And…I hate to say it, but watch the purple prose
>darlin’

Really? Now I'm blushing. *G* But, honestly, I'm just trying to avoid those silly euphemisms for the male member ("manroot" being the worst.). When I see them, I think of that scene in "Varsity Blues" where Moxon rattles off a list of slang terms for an erection, ending up with "Pedro." I could change it to "her lower body came into full contact with his bare skin." Of course, that could be his arm, or his thigh...But is erection really too purple? (Stop it this instant! You know what I mean!)

LMAO

Okay, nothing wrong with using erection. Whether it’s purple or not. ;-) But…my issue was meant for the throbbing part. Using a word ending in ing implies something is happen_ing_. So throb + ing equals an erection that well, is in constant motion. It’s not battery operated. And also, I think an erection is just fine all on it’s own. It doesn’t need any extra embellishment. And call me crazy, but I might be able to visualize what it looks like. *G*

>As their lips met to seal the promise given, neither
>of them heard the door to the flat close softly behind
>them.
>
>Ah finally a kiss! On the lips! But no tongue????
> Girl, you’re killing me here. Ya, I get that she's
>sick, but I'm willing to conveniently forget that.
>*G*
>
>And alrighty. You have an ly word in here and the
>door closed behind them implies that K and J were
>behind the door when by this point we all know it’s
>Adam. And okay, technically, in this POV if J & K
>didn’t hear the door close, neither should we.
>Definitely a POV break.

Gotcha again. I'll have Katie think she heard the door close, but when she looked over Jay's shoulder, nothing was there.

Well of course not. The door was closed… *G*

>
>And now, strictly as a reader, I’m absolutely appalled
>with Adam. A voyeur? He watched them the whole time?
> Despite what should have been shock at seeing them
>together, or even if it was a confirmation of what he
>thought was going on between them, he stayed to
>watch??? OMG what was he thinking? What was the
>point of his doing that? To get pointers? Geez.
>Rent a damned 8-reel or something.

Down girl! *G* Adam didn't watch the entire performance, he just caught the last act, just after Jay rolled on top of her, and in time to hear Jay tell Katie he wasn't going anywhere...ever. All will be revealed.

LOL Can you tell you’re driving me crazy??? Okay. Just remember I’m not the most patient person in the world. But what the heck???? *G*

>
>Now, I’ve had some time to let this settle with me.
>But it’s not. Any respect I’ve had for Adam is gone
>in this one instance. I don’t know if that’s what you
>want, but for me…how do I say this…he just lost it for
>me. I don’t like him at all. And the funny thing is
>this. I don’t really mind that he stayed to watch.
>But really, how can he be indignant that this happened
>in his bed when he never said anything. And he SAW
>it! And just how do Jay and Katie find out he saw the
>whole thing? That’s a scene I’d like…make that
>LOVE…to read. And no hints here at all…

I'll finish that one next, promise. But, in a nutshell, Katie finds out when Maureen tells her Adam went over to check on her, and came back to her place rather quickly and in a foul mood. Katie puts two and two together. Jay just assumes Katie told Adam what happened, because Adam tells Jay to....Nope, not gonna give it all away...

I think I can get this one…
>
But back to this one and Adam. He left her when she
>was sick. He couldn’t have been (or been behaving)
>too concerned about her if his band mates didn’t know
>she was sick. Sure he called, but big hairy deal.
>He left and never mentioned to his best friend that
>she was really ill. And I don’t really care that he
>had his suspicions about her and Jay, his concern for
>her should have outshadowed his jealousy. Time to
>realize there’s more to life than having nice hair and
>a great ass. Put the little green devil to rest and
>grow up.

You've hit the nail on the head here with Adam's immaturity. He's pissed at Katie for telling him to quit calling her every five minutes, so he sulks about it. By this time, Katie and Jay aren't being exactly careful about how they act around each other, and Adam's pretty certain he's about to lose his old lady to his best friend, and he's determined not to let that happen. He knows that Maureen probably told Nicky that Katie was ill, and in the end, it's Nicky who tells Jay. Nicky, you see, is one smart cookie, and he knows Jay cares about Katie more than he's willing to admit. And Nicky is furious with Adam for keeping Katie's condition quiet, so he makes sure her friends get the 4-1-1. Jay tears Adam a new one for going off and leaving Katie alone like that, and then heads over to take care of her himself. And, really, on some level he must have known that the things he said would make Adam go and check on her. So why'd he let her make love to him? Because he wanted them to get caught. Jay knows exactly what he's doing.
>

Ooooh! And doesn’t that change everything….

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[> [> [> [> I could not agree more >>>> --

Page, 21:10:30 09/29/09 Tue

If you don’t like this, that means there is something not quite right. That sixth sense we have as writers is telling you something. And only you’ll know what it is cause you know the rest of the story.

Bingo. This scene has bothered me from the beginning, and I'm going to trash it (trash file, that is) and start over.

Oh, and btw? Throbbing is gone, but the erection remains. *G*

Thanks tons, Esther!

Hugs,
Page

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>I don't know if I like this. Maybe it's just me, and >maybe I'm trying too hard. But, I don't like it. Tell >me what y'all think -- I need fresh eyes, and fresh >perspective. > >Well I agree with you to a certain extent. I think >my commentary is pretty self explanatory. But I’ll >try to comment on the things I have troubles on. Here >we go. > >Excerpt from Carey On >©2009 by Juli Morgan >Posted for purposes of critique only, and does not >constitute publication > >The delicious aroma of chocolate chip cookies baking >permeated the entire ground floor of the house, >bringing up thoughts of cold winter days, cozy fires, >and lazy afternoons spent munching warm cookies and >drinking mulled cider. Jay looked out the leaded glass >of the library window at the hot summer sunshine, and >sighed. He wouldn’t be there to see snowflakes falling >outside that window, or feel the comforting heat of >the fireplace at his back. For some reason, Shadowed >Knight seemed to be stuck in a rut of touring during >the winter months, and ice storms in upstate New York >or blizzards in Seattle weren’t his idea of fun. >Ironic, how making enough money to keep himself in the >luxuries he craved also kept him from enjoying them. > >I’d suggest a period after months instead of a >comma. Not to be picky but I did have to re-read it a >couple times to get the right flow. > >And that last sentence - how true. > >Depressed by the thought of hitting the road again, he >pulled his attention back to Katie and Adam. Adam had >just spent a week in Brighton with his mum, and had >taken Alex with him. Of course he’d taken scads of >pics, and with the shining pride of fatherhood, was >showing them to Katie who sat next to him on the >loveseat. She ooh’d and ahh’d over each snapshot, even >as she inched away from Adam. Jay’s eyes narrowed. If >she kept it up, she was soon going to be sitting on >the arm of the loveseat, and Jay wondered if she’d let >it go that far. She probably would. It was the only >thing that irritated him about her, love her though he >did. Avoiding direct confrontation was an art form >with her, but it did tend to make life difficult at >times. > >Okay, just got that a few years had passed. And my >first thought was what the heck. *G* This >confrontation didn’t take place for years??? I think >you’re holding out on me. > >He felt his blood pressure rise another notch at the >sight of Adam’s fingers as they brushed against >Katie’s arm, a slow, lingering touch that was a >caress, and not accidental contact. Katie shifted her >arm, and Adam’s hand fell away. But only to come to >rest next to her thigh, left bare by the cutoff shorts >she wore. Jay raised his gaze from Adam’s hand, and >found the son of a bitch looking right at him, a smile >playing about his lips. With an effort, Jay forced >himself to return the smile, but made sure it didn’t >reach his eyes. If Adam wanted to sit and paw Katie, >then let him. Jay had no doubt that Katie could take >care of herself. But if Adam wanted to challenge Jay >about it, then he’d better be prepared for a battle. > >And I can’t believe Jay’s letting him get away with >it. Am I in a different world here? > >The state of détente under which they’d all lived for >the past two years had started to disintegrate when >Janie had divorced Adam. The mask of devoted friend >that Adam had worn during his marriage had evidently >been awarded to Janie in the divorce settlement, and >Adam had become brazen about showing his interest in >Katie. It had started out small, with hugs that lasted >a fraction of a second too long, and with parting >kisses that made Katie jerk her head away before they >had ended. From there it had progressed through the >summer to flower deliveries, and small gifts that >Katie accepted with reluctance before donating them to >various charities. Now Adam had raised the stakes with >the lingering touches, and the pressing of his body >against Katie’s when he stood next to her. Katie >hadn’t said anything about it, yet, and until she did, >Jay was determined to keep quiet as well. He didn’t >want any outright hostilities any more than she did, >but that superior smile Adam had just given him…that >couldn’t go unchallenged. > >F that. Come on Jay! Get hostile. He’s pawing >your woman! And you wait till he challenges you????? > > >Not that Jay hadn’t exacted a small measure of revenge >already. Since he was prevented by Katie’s silence >from direct confrontation with Adam, he’d used subtle, >devious methods to let Adam know just who was in >charge. During the recording of Shadowed Knight’s >album in June, Jay had made Adam record the vocals >over and over, until Adam’s throat had been raw. The >song Adam had written, composing the music as well as >the lyrics, had been passed over for inclusion on the >album, replaced by a guitar instrumental that featured >Jay only. And Jay had been over-solicitous in >expressing his sympathies for the break up of Adam’s >marriage, adding carefully worded digs about empty >beds, and long, lonely nights, making sure Adam got >the point that he, Jay, suffered from no such >conditions. > >Sorry. This is one of the things I don’t like. >Jay’s acting like a child to the detriment of his >band. Not that his instrumental wasn’t better, but >still. *G* The other band members must see it as >well, and they should be respecting him right? And as >much as I’m dissing Adam right now, maybe as a >song-writer/singer, he had something to contribute and >Jay basing his decisions on personal feelings of >needing revenge, well…now he’s losing his credibility >with me as an artist. When he’s with the band, the >good of the band should come first. That’s what a >leader does. He leads. Not sabotage his own album >for spite. And as far as expressing his sympathies, >well. I’d like Jay to be the better man and not swoop >down to Adam’s level. The fact that Jay is still with >Katie, doesn’t that say it all??? > >Adam’s hand started to creep up Katie’s thigh, and she >jumped up from the loveseat as if she’d been pricked >by a pin. “Gotta go check those cookies,” she said >with a false smile, and thrust the photos at Adam >before rushing from the room. The moment she’d cleared >the door, Jay gave Adam a hard stare, the memory of >that taunting smile fresh in his mind. > >“Would you prefer it if I left the room so you can paw >her in earnest?” > >Adam leaned back, and gave Jay a lazy, insolent grin. >“You don’t have to leave the room. After all, it’s >your house.” > >“And she’s my lady. Keep your bloody hands off her.” > >Awwww He called her a lady! Damn I love him > >Adam’s grin widened. “I will when she tells me to. >Until then…” > >Too wimpy to say it Adam? I do believe the words >are fuck off > >“I’m telling you to. She’s tried to get the message >across, but you’re too fucking thick to get it.” > >Shaking his head, Adam attempted to chuckle. “You’re >imagining things. She doesn’t seem bothered by my >attentions.” > >So how come Adam is still talking? Shouldn’t he be >on the floor after Jay punches him out??? > >Jay raised his eyebrows. “And I suppose her scooting >all the way across the sofa to get away from you is >your idea of capitulation?” > >Adam shrugged. “Of course she’s nervous about it. Now >that I think about it, maybe you should leave >the room.” > >Okay, just had a thought out of the blue. Subtlety >would be the key. Sneaking around behind Jay’s back >feels like more of Adam’s style. How long has he been >so open in front of Jay about it? Since the divorce? > > >Jay snorted in derision. “That’s not nervousness, you >burk. You’re making her uncomfortable. And if she’s >uncomfortable, so am I. So keep your fucking hands off >her.” > >Men are physical by nature. Why is Adam still >sitting all smug on the loveseat with a grin on his >face and not bleeding on the floor? Geez. I sense a >common thought here. Adam on the floor…. > >“Only when Katie tells me to.” > >Adam doesn’t know her very well, but I think he >knows Katie well enough to know she won’t say >anything. So what’s his game? > >“When Katie tells you to do what?” Katie asked, >re-entering the room. Her steps slowed as Jay looked >up at her, not bothering to hide his irritation. >“What’s going on?” > >“Jay’s just told me to keep my fucking hands off you, >and I was wondering if you felt the same way.” Adam >gave Jay a ‘so there!’ look before turning his gaze to >Katie. > >Well, finally something honest. > >She wasn’t looking at him, but at Jay, and Jay could >see the confusion in her green eyes. He leaned his >head against the high back of the wing chair, and gave >her an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry, love. I wasn’t >going to say anything until you brought it up, but…” >He shook his head. “I just couldn’t keep still any >longer.” > >And now HE is apologizing? Oh this is oh so >wrong. See. In the first paragraph, he states that >she would avoid confrontation at all costs. He knows >she’ll never say anything. So in a way, he’s avoiding >the confrontation too. And that T’s me off. In the >hallway scene, or the one prior to it, he’s taking an >active part in protecting his lady, when she wasn’t >his lady. Yet. Why isn’t he doing so now? > >This is Jay’s POV so that first sentence through me. >S/B she wasn’t looking at Adam but at him, and Jay > >Katie’s answering smile, though small, held >forgiveness, and some of the tension went out of Jay’s >shoulders. “Don’t be sorry,” she told him. “I should >have said something before now, only…” She dropped >down into the matching wing chair on the opposite side >of the dark fireplace, and sighed. > >No doubt! Geez Katie, didn’t you learn anything >from the confrontation you had the night of the >hallway scene? Or what I remember of the hallway >scene. Apparently that’s all changed too, and I still >have to read it. *sigh* Maybe I’m just trippin’ *G* > > >“Only what, love?” Adam’s face as he gazed at her was >full of hope, and Jay moved to erase it. > >Finally! Get him Jay! > >“Only she thought you’d get the message without her >having to spell it out for you, that’s what.” Try as >he might, Jay couldn’t keep the contempt out of his >voice, and Adam responded to it by turning to him with >a glare. > >Oh crap. He’s still talking. :- ( > >“Or,” Adam said between clenched teeth, “maybe she’s >not so sure she wants me to leave her alone. Ever >think of that? Mate?” > >Well…her actions could indicate that. And she >never did say she wanted him to stop, even after a >direct question. Damn. A point for Adam. Although >now that I’ve read those comments where Jay wanted >them to get caught and knew what he was >doing…hmmm…maybe it goes both ways. Maybe Adam thinks >that Katie will be more receptive to him because she >shouldn’t be getting it on with him. Does that make >any sense. Oh heck. I need a drink. You see what >I’m resorting to? > >“Stop it!” Katie’s posture was stiff with tension as >she looked back and forth between the two of them. “I >can speak for myself, you know.” She ran her hands >through her hair, pushing it off her forehead. “And >it’s like Jay said – I thought you’d get the message >that I don’t want you to give that kind of attention >to me, Adam. I don’t know what you’re trying to prove, >but…” > >Can she speak for herself? Cause she hasn’t been. >I can speak for myself but it’s like Jay said? And >she should know by now that men’s wiring doesn’t allow >them to process subtlety > >“I’m not trying to prove anything.” Adam leaned toward >her, trying to catch her eye. “I just want you to give >me another chance.” > >How sad. Quit coveting what Jay has and go get >your own > >Jay couldn’t stop the sound of disbelief that escaped >him, but desisted at Katie’s quelling look. She was >right – it was her fight, and she could speak for >herself. > >To quote Hermione Granger, ‘Let’s see it then’ > >“Another chance?” she asked Adam. “Another chance for >what?” > >The word you’re looking for is no. Or never. >Perhaps not in a million years. When hell freezes >over…Not another chance for what. Sounds like she’s >stalling > >“Another chance to show you how much I love you. We >can try again, Katie.” He tossed a withering glare at >Jay. “It’s not like he’s ever asked you to marry him, >and…” > >Yeah right. Okay, back to the voyeur thing. >Watching your girl having better sex with your best >mate is not love. Even if he only came in at the end. > (No pun intended *G* ) Not confronting them/her, is >not love. Hell leaving her when she’s ill is not >love. And asking her to marry him, well that’s not >love either. And the fact that he’s already had one >failed marriage should demonstrate that. And >criticizing a relationship that’s working, when you >just proved you can’t stay in one, well…honestly. I >had a point to make, just can’t remember what it was… > > >“That is none of your business!” Katie’s voice was >hard. “How do you know Jay hasn’t asked me to marry >him?” > >Well, at least she stands up for him. But first >she says it’s none of his business. So why she >explain anyway? Or half insinuate he had? Like she’s >ashamed that he hasn’t? > >Jay’s heart pounded in his chest, and he fought to >keep his face impassive. No, he hadn’t asked her, even >after her champagne-gilded confession that she wanted >to marry him. He had never been sure that Katie really >meant the things she said that night because she sure >as hell didn’t remember them; and, fearing it had just >been the alcohol talking, he’d been too afraid to rock >the boat, despite his desire to propose. Damn it, why >hadn’t he married her before now, or at least asked >her? It was galling to have Adam throw it up to her, >to make it seem like Jay didn’t care enough about her >to make her his wife. And, fuck’s sake, he couldn’t >ask her now! She’d just think it was because of what >that son of a bitch had said. Jay tossed a glance >filled with hatred toward Adam, but he didn’t see it, >too intent on Katie to bother with Jay. > >You snooze you lose. > >“You’re right, Katie, I’m sorry. All I meant was >there’s no real connection between you. You’re free to >choose. And I know so much more about you now, Katie, >and understand you so much better. I know I can make >you happy.” > >Well holy crap. No real connection? Free to >choose? Where the heck has Adam been? And suddenly >by being married and divorced he understands her so >much better? Can make her happy? How? By asking her >to half raise his son? > >Katie shook her head. “If you really think that, then >you don’t understand me at all. I could never be happy >without Jay. I wasn’t then, and I sure as hell >wouldn’t be now. There’s a real connection between us, >no matter what you think. I love him, Adam.” > >This I like > >“You loved me once,” Adam flung at her, and Jay saw >her flinch. > >“Not the way…not the way you wanted. Not the way a >woman loves the man she wants to be with forever.” Her >eyes pleaded with Adam to understand. “I love you as a >friend, Adam, but not as a lover.” > >So why she using the word love again. Adam will >hear the love you and tune out the as a friend part. >No wonder the poor guy is so confused. That first >sentence, now that says it all > >Adam’s face grew hard. “Well, you certainly gave a >good impression of it. That is, until lover boy here >crawled into my bed and seduced you.” > >OOOOH! To the good stuff! > >Jay could keep still no longer. “Really, Adam,” he >said, and forced a lazy sounding chuckle. “Are you >referring to the night you played peeping tom and >watched us? I actually remember Katie seducing me that >night. I’d already seduced her in your bed the week >before, but you didn’t catch that show.” Ignoring >Katie’s warning scowl, he continued, his voice low and >insolent. “But even that wasn’t the first time we’d >slept together. No, that happened here. And if I >recall correctly, we seduced each other that night.” > >Just gotta ask. Why the eulogy of his prowess >here? The fact that they felt guilt at the kiss they >shared (during the castle scene unless that’s changed >too?) they both seemed to feel it was wrong, at least >until Katie broke it off with Adam, which she took her >sweet time to do. And admittedly it might not have >been all that nice to Adam. But their attraction was >attractive because of it. Here, Jay cheapens it >somehow. Bragging is not attractive and that’s how I >see this. I did, she did, we both did. Those first >few lines draw attention to the fact that Adam was >wrong to peep. And then Jay draws attention to the >fact that he done wrong too. Geez, I don’t think I’m >making sense anymore. *G* > >Adam jumped to his feet. “You motherfucking bastard! >Proud of yourself, aren’t you? I should have beaten >you to a bloody pulp two years ago.” > >Well, at the least brought it up. Or am I just >missing that scene as well. > >“Ready to give it a go, are you?” Jay stood, >adrenaline pumping through his veins. “Have at it >then, nancy boy, and we’ll see who’s a bloody pulp at >the end.” > >Woo! ‘Bout time! > >Then Katie was between them, a hand on each of their >chests to keep them apart, her voice frantic as she >begged them to stop. Jay took a step back, not wishing >to upset her further, but Adam couldn’t let it be. > >Damn *G* You know, I’m usually sweet by nature. >;-) > >Okay, why don’t you let her speak those words instead >of telling us she spoke them. This is where the >action is after all > >“That’s what you want, Katie?” he demanded. “A smug >bastard who sneaks around to bang his best friend’s >girlfriend?” > >Better choice than the bastard who watches it. And >Adams behaviour isn’t any better. Making moves on >Katie when she’s attached elsewhere. And if she was >willing he’d be doing some banging himself. Thats >kinda hypocritical. > >And I don’t think Jay was exactly sneaking. Adam just >wasn’t around to see it because he was too concerned >doing his own thing. > >Jay stepped forward again, ignoring Katie’s hand on >his chest. “What are you wanting, an apology? Well, >you’re bloody not getting one, because I’m not sorry.” >He laughed at Adam’s look of astonishment. “And what’s >more, I’d do it again!” > >“Do you hear him, Katie? He’s admitting he broke us >up!” > >*shakes head* Now there’s a man living in the >great land of denial if I ever saw one > >“Stop it!” Katie screamed. At this uncharacteristic >display of emotion, both men froze, staring at her. >“This is what I didn’t want to happen. Jesus!” >Dropping her arms, she whirled to face Adam, breathing >hard. “He didn’t break us up, Adam. No, he did not,” >she added when he shook his head. “We were over before >anything happened. I’d already rented that flat in >Maureen’s building before I ever slept with Jay.” > >Isn’t Maureen’s flat in the same building as >Adam’s? > >“No.” Adam shook his head again. “No, I saw you that >night. I saw you! That was weeks before you left and >rented that flat.” > >Yeah, we know he got an eyeful. And hasn’t it >occurred to him that if she was getting what she >needed at home, er…you know what I mean…there would be >no way Jay would have stood a chance? > >“Listen to me. I already had that flat. I rented it >the night…” She swallowed, and pressed her lips >together. “I rented it the day your father had his >first heart attack. I was trying to tell you when your >mother called. Then when you came back, I got sick, >and then…” She squeezed her eyes shut. “I should’ve >gone. I should’ve gone then.” Tears began leaking from >under her eyelids. > >“Why didn’t you?” Adam’s voice was hard. > >“I didn’t…I thought maybe…” Katie put her hands over >her face, and sobbed. “I don’t know,” she wailed. “I >don’t know why.” > >Adam took a step toward her, and Jay moved fast to put >his hands on her shoulders. He wasn’t going to let >Adam touch her again, not if it killed him. Adam >glanced up at Jay, and then back at Katie, dismissing >him from the conversation. Jay bristled, but held his >tongue. > >“That’s all very interesting, Katie,” Adam said. “But >it’s not what you told me when you finally decided to >end things between us, is it? Haven’t you ever >bothered to inform your new lover that you were just >using him the way you said you used me?” > >Katie jerked her head up, and glared at Adam. Tears >continued to roll down her cheeks, but her voice >didn’t waver. “You were so quick to believe that, >weren’t you? All that bullshit about how much you >loved me, but let me tell you I was just using you, >and you jumped right on that bandwagon.” She stamped >her foot at his uncomprehending stare. “I lied, you >idiot! I wasn’t using you, and I wasn’t using Jay. I >needed a way out where you wouldn’t blame Jay. There >was no way I was going to let you fuck up Jay’s band.” > >Why do I feel like I’m missing something here? >Anyway…my memory is telling me that Adam kept Jay away >from her even in the beginning, and that if Jay hadn’t >stopped by out of the blue to see if Adam (drawing a >blank here), then he, Jay, would not have met her. >So, how could she have been using Adam to get to Jay? >Once they met, everything kinda happened all at once >didn’t it? > >“Jay’s band?” Adam flushed with anger. “Jay’s band?” > >“Yes, Jay’s band. Hey, you said it yourself, Adam. I >told you once before I met him that he needed you, >too, that he couldn’t go out and do it alone, and you >said he could. You said Jay was the draw, the one with >the presence that made him a star. You said it was >Jay’s band. And you know what? You. Were. Right.” Her >tears had ceased, and she was breathing hard with her >own anger. “And I wasn’t going to let this come >between the two of you, and mess that up. So when you >asked me if I had just been using you to get to Jay, I >jumped on it, and told you I was. And for your >information, I did tell Jay what I’d said, and he was >furious with me for taking all the blame on myself. >But you…Oh, no, Adam. You believed it. You believed >the worst you could about me, with no hesitation at >all.” > >That sucks > >Jay felt Katie’s body begin to tremble under his >hands, and he pulled her back against him, ready for >this to be over, ready to have Adam gone. > >Her voice was thick with tears again. “So don’t you >stand there and tell me you still love me, and spout >off about how much you understand me. You just can’t >take it that Jay won. Again. You don’t want me, you >just want to best him. And you never will. You never >can.” She turned blindly, and Jay took her into his >arms. > >And she’s crying again. A couple paragraphs her >tears had ceased and she was spitting mad. What >happened? I think I’ve mentioned this before, but >can’t be certain, so here I go again. If this is a >confrontation, and she’s angry, Jay’s angry and Adam >is angry, I’d think they are talking too much, my need >for blood, notwithstanding. *G* And I could be >wrong, but I have my suspicions that some of this is >already known. We would have known what Katie said to >Adam to justify their breakup without screwing up >Jay’s band, so that much at least can be eliminated. >The part where she tells Jay what she says and he’s >furious for her taking the blame, I’m assuming that’s >somewhere previous too. > >“It’s alright, baby,” he whispered into her hair as >she sobbed against his chest. “It’s okay. Don’t cry, >love, it’s okay.” He looked up at Adam standing there, >shell shocked, and nodded his head toward the door. >“You need to leave.” > >Adam’s throat moved visibly as he swallowed. “I…” > >“Now.” Jay’s voice was like steel. “You’ve upset her >enough, and I want you gone.” > >See here? Jay’s explaining why he wants Adam to >go. If’n it were me, which it’s not, I’d try to keep >it short and cut everything after like steel. Shorter >sentences have more impact and when emotions are >running high, I think the simpler and more to the >point the better. This is Jay’s POV, we understand he >wants Adam to leave. I wouldn’t have a problem with >him just saying Now. > >After a moment, Adam bent and scooped up the pictures >of Alex from the loveseat. Without looking back, he >left the house, slamming the heavy front door behind >him. > >What? He didn’t close it softly behind him? *G* > > >Katie cried harder at the sound, and Jay tried to >comfort her, smoothing her hair, kissing her forehead, >and murmuring quiet, soothing words. > >“But, Jay,” she gulped. “What if he doesn’t come back?” > >“It doesn’t matter. I can replace him in a heartbeat. >Yes I can,” he said when he felt her shake her head. >“I can think of a half-dozen blokes right off the top >of my head who can do just as well or better than him. >Promise me you won’t worry about that. Katie, listen >to me. Are you listening?” She nodded, and he sighed. >“Good. I want you to know I meant it when I said I >wasn’t sorry. I’m not. And I meant it when I said I’d >do it again, because I would.” He kissed the top of >her head, and tightened his embrace. “You’re worth it, >Katie. You’re worth all of it, and more.” > >Okay, if Adam was so easily replaced, and they >seemed to have this hate hate relationship for a >couple/few years, why the heck was Adam with the band >for so long? > >His eyes traveled around the room, the tall shelves >filled with rare books, and art pieces he’d thought he >couldn’t live without. His gaze took in the Aubusson >rug on the floor, and the intricately carved tables >placed just so throughout the room. The cover of >Shadowed Knight’s first album, framed and hanging >above the fireplace captured his attention for a >moment, and finally his roving gaze rested on the >leaded glass panes of the window he’d looked out >earlier. And he realized he didn’t give a damn about >any of it. He hadn’t lied – she was worth it, and he >didn’t care if he lost everything he owned, as long as >he never lost her. > >Awwww > >Okay. As a reader, those are my reactions. Now >considering I’m doubting what I thought I knew, I >could be way off base, so feel free to ignore me. > >What I do need to say though is this. If you don’t >like this, that means there is something not quite >right. That sixth sense we have as writers is telling >you something. And only you’ll know what it is cause >you know the rest of the story. So I hope my >impulsive comments help with that. If nothing else, >you get a glimpse of what’s going through my head and >see if I have the slightest reaction that you wanted. > > >Now, you have whole paragraphs of dialogue in here. >And that slows the pace down. For me a good >confrontation has a lot of going back and forth, so >I’d suggest breaking it up a bit. But I know when I >have a point to make, I’m not going to sit back and >wait for someone to finish a longwinded explanation of >past history. Interrupt them. Have them say a few >things, and let the other counter. It’s like a debate >that both sides believe they are right and will try to >get their point across. Don’t get me wrong, there’s >nothing wrong with allowing them to say their piece, >and if it takes an entire paragraph, fine. But it >shouldn’t be overdone. > >And I think this is the last thing. When I was >reading this, I kept picturing them up and moving, and >then I’d realize they were still in those ol’ >wingbacks. Jay’s ticked off, and he leans his head >back into the chair. He didn’t even scoot forward >when he confronted Adam when Katie went to check the >cookies. Where’s the adrenaline? He sat in that dang >chair until Adam brought up the ol’ voyeur thing. No >one really moves around. Body language would indicate >some of those emotions that you want to come across. >When Adam was indignant and flushed with anger at the >term Jay’s band, what else was there? Was his body >tense? Jaw clenched? Hands fisted? > >So there. I think I’ve said enough. > >But I’m going to cheat and cut and paste a couple >things here. > > >> >> >>Katie snatched up a Kleenex, and coughed into it as he >>made his way to the bed. She gave him a baleful glare. >>“I swore I wasn’t going to subject anyone to this >>horrible virus, and there you stand, breathing in all >>these germs.” >> >>He held the cup out to her. “Drink this, but be >>careful. It’s hot. Honestly, Katie, if I was going to >>catch this, I would have caught it from you last week >>when you were contagious, don’t you think?” He watched >>as she blew on the soup before tasting it. “I didn’t >>even know you were ill until this morning, or I’d have >>been here sooner.” A hard look came into his eyes. “I >>cannot believe you’ve been here by yourself for three >>fucking days.” >> >>Awwwww >> >>OH! Just had a flashback here! And the great thing >>is I remember now! That was when he was talking about >>castles and they kissed and then…oh oh oh! I got it. >>The guilt came later right, but they both kinda >>surrendered to the inevitable. *sigh* > >LOL! Well, kind of...The last week he's referring >to is when he asked Katie over for dinner, since she >was worn out from taking care of Maureen, and she >didn't make it home that night. > >One of these days lady, I’m going to want to read this >thing from the beginning just to have the satisfaction >of having it straight in my mind. So you better get >it together soon. You get me? *G* > > >>Katie looked up at him through her lashes. “If you >>don’t know, I’m not telling you.” She lowered the >>zipper, and started pulling the denim down over his >>hips. The floorboards gave an alarming creak, and they >>both froze for an instant, looking toward the windows. >>Katie dismissed it, figuring the building wouldn’t >>blow down in the next fifteen minutes, and returned to >>the business at hand. Once the jeans were off, she >>rolled them into a ball, and tossed them on the bed >>next to her. >> >>K Just gotta say, I’m horrified here. And was in >>the previous version as well. *G* The wind can’t >>make the floorboards creak. And Katie dismissed it, >>but what about Jay???? > >Good catch! See, the floorboards have been >explained in previous chapters. When the outside door >on the ground floor is opened, wind rushes up the >stairwell, making the building creak and groan, and it >also makes the floorboards pop in Katie and Adam's >flat. If Katie hadn't been inebriated here, she'd have >known it wasn't the wind, but someone entering or >exiting the building three floors down. Jay, though, >hasn't a clue. He just thinks the building is a death >trap. *G* > >K, let me clarify. Horrified in a good way. *G* >> >> >>“You certainly…do.” The last word was almost a groan, >>as Katie sat on him, her lower body coming into full >>contact with his throbbing erection. “And just where >>are your knickers, little girl?” >> >>little girl? Hmmmm > >Perv. *G* Actually, the term was used quite often >in Britain during that time period as a term of >endearment. > >LOL Don’t you know me well. And well…not a very >flattering endearment is it? > > >> >>And…I hate to say it, but watch the purple prose >>darlin’ > >Really? Now I'm blushing. *G* But, honestly, I'm >just trying to avoid those silly euphemisms for the >male member ("manroot" being the worst.). When I see >them, I think of that scene in "Varsity Blues" where >Moxon rattles off a list of slang terms for an >erection, ending up with "Pedro." I could change it to >"her lower body came into full contact with his bare >skin." Of course, that could be his arm, or his >thigh...But is erection really too purple? (Stop it >this instant! You know what I mean!) > >LMAO > >Okay, nothing wrong with using erection. Whether it’s >purple or not. ;-) But…my issue was meant for the >throbbing part. Using a word ending in ing implies >something is happen_ing_. So throb + ing equals an >erection that well, is in constant motion. It’s not >battery operated. And also, I think an erection is >just fine all on it’s own. It doesn’t need any extra >embellishment. And call me crazy, but I might be able >to visualize what it looks like. *G* > >>As their lips met to seal the promise given, neither >>of them heard the door to the flat close softly behind >>them. >> >>Ah finally a kiss! On the lips! But no tongue???? >> Girl, you’re killing me here. Ya, I get that she's >>sick, but I'm willing to conveniently forget that. >>*G* >> >>And alrighty. You have an ly word in here and the >>door closed behind them implies that K and J were >>behind the door when by this point we all know it’s >>Adam. And okay, technically, in this POV if J & K >>didn’t hear the door close, neither should we. >>Definitely a POV break. > >Gotcha again. I'll have Katie think she heard the >door close, but when she looked over Jay's shoulder, >nothing was there. > >Well of course not. The door was closed… *G* > > >> >>And now, strictly as a reader, I’m absolutely >appalled >>with Adam. A voyeur? He watched them the whole time? >> Despite what should have been shock at seeing them >>together, or even if it was a confirmation of what he >>thought was going on between them, he stayed to >>watch??? OMG what was he thinking? What was the >>point of his doing that? To get pointers? Geez. >>Rent a damned 8-reel or something. > >Down girl! *G* Adam didn't watch the entire >performance, he just caught the last act, just after >Jay rolled on top of her, and in time to hear Jay tell >Katie he wasn't going anywhere...ever. All will be >revealed. > >LOL Can you tell you’re driving me crazy??? Okay. >Just remember I’m not the most patient person in the >world. But what the heck???? *G* > > >> >>Now, I’ve had some time to let this settle with >me. >>But it’s not. Any respect I’ve had for Adam is gone >>in this one instance. I don’t know if that’s what you >>want, but for me…how do I say this…he just lost it for >>me. I don’t like him at all. And the funny thing is >>this. I don’t really mind that he stayed to watch. >>But really, how can he be indignant that this happened >>in his bed when he never said anything. And he SAW >>it! And just how do Jay and Katie find out he saw the >>whole thing? That’s a scene I’d like…make that >>LOVE…to read. And no hints here at all… > >I'll finish that one next, promise. But, in a >nutshell, Katie finds out when Maureen tells her Adam >went over to check on her, and came back to her place >rather quickly and in a foul mood. Katie puts two and >two together. Jay just assumes Katie told Adam what >happened, because Adam tells Jay to....Nope, not gonna >give it all away... > >I think I can get this one… >> >But back to this one and Adam. He left her when she >>was sick. He couldn’t have been (or been behaving) >>too concerned about her if his band mates didn’t know >>she was sick. Sure he called, but big hairy deal. >>He left and never mentioned to his best friend that >>she was really ill. And I don’t really care that he >>had his suspicions about her and Jay, his concern for >>her should have outshadowed his jealousy. Time to >>realize there’s more to life than having nice hair and >>a great ass. Put the little green devil to rest and >>grow up. > >You've hit the nail on the head here with Adam's >immaturity. He's pissed at Katie for telling him to >quit calling her every five minutes, so he sulks about >it. By this time, Katie and Jay aren't being exactly >careful about how they act around each other, and >Adam's pretty certain he's about to lose his old lady >to his best friend, and he's determined not to let >that happen. He knows that Maureen probably told Nicky >that Katie was ill, and in the end, it's Nicky who >tells Jay. Nicky, you see, is one smart cookie, and he >knows Jay cares about Katie more than he's willing to >admit. And Nicky is furious with Adam for keeping >Katie's condition quiet, so he makes sure her friends >get the 4-1-1. Jay tears Adam a new one for going off >and leaving Katie alone like that, and then heads over >to take care of her himself. And, really, on some >level he must have known that the things he said would >make Adam go and check on her. So why'd he let her >make love to him? Because he wanted them to get >caught. Jay knows exactly what he's doing. >> > >Ooooh! And doesn’t that change everything….
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