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Date Posted: 18:32:47 06/20/09 Sat
Author: Debi
Subject: Valerie and Daniel
In reply to: Larnsturt 's message, "I Am Tossing Down The Gauntlet, Per Se" on 04:03:16 06/17/09 Wed

In response to Larn's challenge, this is the story I plan to concentrate on. This scene was written some time back, but I enjoy it. Their realationship is based on friendship and what better way to express that frienship than helping someone out when they need it?

Old Dogs, working title, copyright 2009, Debi Matlack, all rights reserved. Posted for critique purposes only, does not constitute publication.

*scene setup* Set after the gardening scene but before the one where he picks her up after her car dies and they have a meal together and she ends up with the flu.

Daniel has accidentally hit a cat with his car and brought it to the clinic on a Saturday evening when Valerie is there to take care of the patients. His hands were pretty torn up by the cat; they have a trip to the ER and meet her brother Vic, a doctor there. Valerie takes him home and intends to stay the night to help him out.
*************
The car rolled to a stop in front of Daniel’s house. The big log house sat on a slope above the lake’s edge and was further elevated on piers. Wide steps led up to the front porch and door; a smaller side porch led to the kitchen door and a deck on the back of the house. Valerie disconnected Daniel’s seat belt then got out and went around to the passenger door. He didn’t stir when the door opened. She was worn out and just for a moment considered leaving him there. It was tempting to leave him undisturbed. Her conscience disapproved of her impulsive idea. Bad idea. The mosquitoes would drain him dry by sunup. Laying her hand on his shoulder, she shook him awake. He opened his eyes and blinked, groggy and disoriented. Valerie bent down and got a hand under his elbow.

“Come on.” They managed to get out of the car and up the steps without major incident but at the front door they were faced with a new dilemma.

“Daniel, where are your keys?”

He stood, legs planted wide, with a light sway. She backed him up to lean against the wall, afraid he’d lose his balance. “Pocket,” he muttered.

Valerie sighed. “Ordinarily, I might enjoy the prospect of a rousing game of Hide the House Keys, but right now I’m tired.” Valerie braced him against the wall with one hand in the middle of his chest. “Okay, one cheap grope, coming right up.”

Daniel chuckled and patted his right front pocket with his bandaged hand. He tried to get the key out himself, but flexing his fingers made him wince in pain. “This one.”

“Thanks for narrowing it down. I’ll get them.” Valerie slid a hand into his jeans pocket, trying in vain not to notice the lean muscle lying beneath the fabric. As she hooked her finger into the keychain, Daniel twisted and smiled.

“Tickles.”

“Be still, for crying out loud. Thank goodness there’s no nearby neighbors. They’d probably tell us to get a room.”

She tried again and managed to extract the keys without further incident. Sorting through the bunch, she tried three before hitting the right one. She pushed the door open, groped for a light switch and went back for him.

The house was gorgeous, exposed beams and floor to ceiling glass dominating the view toward the lake. The bottom floor was open, with kitchen, living room and entryway all flowing around a large stone fireplace. Unglazed terra cotta tiles lay underfoot, with a large oriental rug anchoring the living area. Some doors lay to the right side, presumably bedrooms or baths. A set of spiral stairs led up to a loft that looked onto the open space below. The house had an odd look of impersonality, that she couldn’t quite put her finger on. While tastefully decorated with art prints and natural items, it held nothing that Valerie could see that spoke of individual character. It looked like a layout from a magazine.

“Where do you sleep, Daniel?” He was starting to get heavy and she wanted to settle him in before she collapsed herself. His reply didn’t help.

“The loft.”

“Of course.” She had a look at the spiral stairs. They were a bit narrow but she was game. “Okay, let’s go.” She got him started, following behind him on the narrow steps with the noble intention of breaking his fall if he slipped. It did offer her the benefit of an excellent view of his rear, putting her almost at eye level. He stopped once, teetered, recovered and resumed his upward climb.

Once they were safely on flat flooring again, she steered him toward the bed. He sat down with an awkward lurch and laid back, eyes closing, flinching once when he bumped his hand on the headboard. Valerie divested him of his shoes and socks, then stood there in indecision.

“Aren’t you going to finish?” His voice was thick and slow, but she could see the hint of a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth from under the shelter of his bandaged hands.

She unbuttoned his jeans and paused before she undid the zip. “Just so long as you understand I take no enjoyment from doing so.”

“You don’t?” Daniel sounded disappointed.

“I’m doing my best.” She’d undressed Ben this way many times in the past, but her ex-husband had usually been dead drunk and had spent most of the evening embarrassing her. Then the undressing was done to cause maximum disturbance and discomfort for the one having their clothing removed. This was different. Her imagination began toying with her, teasing her with possibilities. Ahh, the possibilities. Squashing her rebellious thoughts before they distracted her any further, she took the jeans by the leg at his ankles and began to pull, then stopped. “You are wearing drawers, aren’t you?”

“Wearing what?”

“Drawers, underwear, underpants. You aren’t commando right now, are you?”

“Commando?” There was a pause while he thought. “Ah, regimental.” He chuckled. “No, damn the bad luck.”

“Okay, then.” Valerie got his jeans off and pulled his shirt up, reaching around as he half rolled to get it off over his back. The sight of him shirtless and lying in bed clad only in boxers undid her careful maintenance of virtuous thoughts. His chest was strong and lean, with a moderate sprinkling of hair, tapering from strong shoulders to narrow at his hips. Naughty feelings and raging hormones clamored for action and she bit her lips to suppress the throaty chuckle that threatened to escape. He rolled onto his back again and the piece of string gauze with its golden passenger lay against his chest, vibrating slightly with each heartbeat. So much for naughty thoughts. Now her mind turned to a wistful jealousy. She couldn’t imagine what it could be like to love someone so much. Valerie flipped the blanket over him and smoothed it over his chest, then found a couple of pillows. Daniel sighed, sinking back into the bed, watching her from between slitted eyelids as she put a pillow under each hand, elevating them above the level of his heart. She turned to go downstairs.

“Wait.”

Valerie turned back, pausing in mid-step.

“I just-- thanks.”

She nodded. “What are friends for?”

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Replies:

[> [> Why aren't my friends hotter? -- Larn, 15:56:24 06/23/09 Tue

Sigh. Most of my guy friends are either taken or gay. And none so hot as Daniel.

Girl's got some restraint, have to hand it to her to not cop a feel. I'm guessing he's tired because of drugs? Those don't play, man. They can knock out a horse and him a running.

I'm glad we're going to see all of Valerie and Daniel's story. Lord knows I can't resist a well-matched couple!

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[> [> [> None of my friends are this hot either... -- Debi, 18:38:46 06/23/09 Tue

Hence my vicarious life through my fictional characters.

>Sigh. Most of my guy friends are either taken or gay.
> And none so hot as Daniel.
>
>Girl's got some restraint, have to hand it to her to
>not cop a feel. I'm guessing he's tired because of
>drugs? Those don't play, man. They can knock out a
>horse and him a running.

Yes, in the previous scene, on the way home from the emergency room, Valerie gives him a couple of pain pills and ibuprophen. I've had s few significant animal bites in my time. The cat bites and scratches Daniel sustained to both of his hands would have anyone begging for general anesthesia. That or a bullet to the brain. Cat bites hurt BAD.
>
>I'm glad we're going to see all of Valerie and
>Daniel's story. Lord knows I can't resist a
>well-matched couple!

I'm trying, getting a few words in every day. Though sometimes at lunch, when I tend to hide so I can have quiet to write, is wasted by me playing Bejeweled on Facebook. My brain needed the break today though... work, ugh.

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[> [> Re: Okay, Larn, it's not just you -- the internet ate my first reply, too!! Trying again, Debi! >>>> -- Page, 21:43:14 06/26/09 Fri

Let's see if I can remember what I typed before....

I burn with envy when I read anything from Old Dogs, because the relationship between Daniel and Valerie is so REAL, and easy, and natural. I don't know how hard it is for you to write it, but it appears like it's just effortless! You have the perfect mix of humor along with the more serious thoughts and reactions of the characters, and I wish I could do that! Reading about Daniel and Valerie is like having a conversation with your best friend. With chocolate.

I really, really liked the bit about Daniel wearing his wedding band around his neck while his hands are bandaged. Not in his pocket, not put away in his sock drawer waiting for his hands to heal. No, the man has to WEAR it. Having read other excerpts, I know the reason why Daniel wears the ring, but I love how you worked it in here without overstating it. Just mentioning it. I also liked how Valerie felt about it. Not thinking about Daniel's wife, but about the love behind the ring. Very nice, especially after her remembering hauling a drunken Ben home.

One problem that really stuck out to me was the first paragraph. It's just not up to par with what I've come to expect from you, and what I know you can do. It reads very stilted and awkward, like "See Dick. See Jane. See Dick and Jane run." Or like "See the car. See the house. See the house on the lake." It's especially jarring compared to the rest of the piece, which is written in that effortless-seeming flow. The first paragraph just doesn't flow to me.

Otherwise, bravo! I think these two characters are brilliant, and I love their story!

Hugs,
Page

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[> [> [> Thank you, Page -- Debi, 09:34:51 06/27/09 Sat

>Let's see if I can remember what I typed before....
>
>I burn with envy when I read anything from Old Dogs,
>because the relationship between Daniel and Valerie is
>so REAL, and easy, and natural. I don't know how hard
>it is for you to write it, but it appears like it's
>just effortless! You have the perfect mix of humor
>along with the more serious thoughts and reactions of
>the characters, and I wish I could do that!
>Reading about Daniel and Valerie is like having a
>conversation with your best friend. With chocolate.

Thank you so much Page. I love your writing and you telling me you're envious makes my day! {Hugs}
>
>I really, really liked the bit about Daniel wearing
>his wedding band around his neck while his hands are
>bandaged. Not in his pocket, not put away in his sock
>drawer waiting for his hands to heal. No, the man has
>to WEAR it. Having read other excerpts, I know the
>reason why Daniel wears the ring, but I love how you
>worked it in here without overstating it. Just
>mentioning it. I also liked how Valerie felt about
>it. Not thinking about Daniel's wife, but about the
>love behind the ring. Very nice, especially after her
>remembering hauling a drunken Ben home.

Valerie is sensible enough to not blame the person the ring represents. Having worn just such a ring and knowing that hers didn't mean much at all has disillusioned her toward the institution of marriage, even though she has the example of her sister and BIL as a positive representation. Valerie is attracted to Daniel at this point, but still not ready for more. Their relationship kinda sneaks up on her.
>
>One problem that really stuck out to me was the first
>paragraph. It's just not up to par with what I've
>come to expect from you, and what I know you can do.
>It reads very stilted and awkward, like "See Dick.
>See Jane. See Dick and Jane run." Or like "See the
>car. See the house. See the house on the lake."
>It's especially jarring compared to the rest of the
>piece, which is written in that effortless-seeming
>flow. The first paragraph just doesn't flow to me.
>
I will review and rewrite. Thanks for pointing it out to me.

>Otherwise, bravo! I think these two characters are
>brilliant, and I love their story!

Thank you!!!
>
>Hugs,
>Page

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[> [> Alright! Gotta love a good grope scene when the guy is at a woman's mercy...*G* >>> -- Esther, 13:06:19 06/27/09 Sat

Another most excellent scene Debi!

I really do enjoy the easy banter between these two, it flows so well, is so natural and easy to visualize. I'm along for the ride as their friendship develops and it's a good feeling to anticipate that it'll become more. Awesome!

Now, a couple things. *G*

The first sentence here,

>The car rolled to a stop in front of Daniel’s house.

I can't remember where I heard it or read it or when I finally understood it, but this sentence starts with the. Not normally a big deal, but when you're starting a scene (and yes I realize this isn't necessarily the start of the scene, but it could technically apply to any paragraph) a sentence starting with the word the is introducing a noun to which we haven't been introduced to yet. In this case a car. And by starting out with the car, it leads me to believe the paragraph that follows is about the car, especially in this case cause it seems to roll to a stop all by itself. And then you switch back and forth between the house and Valerie getting out of the car. The description of the house seems out of place where it is, and if you want to include such descriptions, I’d suggest trying to incorporate them in, say for instance when they walk up the steps and cross the deck. Or so is MHO. *G*

And with Daniel, just what did they give him at the hospital? I'm having a hard time grasping that his injuries warrant a drug that has such a debilitating response for him. But then again, I'm living with a man that has a very high threshold for pain, and so could just as easily be just my problem. It just seems exaggerated to me. I can appreciate he’d need help if his hands were bandaged, I just can’t see him needing assistance to the extent he has here.

But I did get a chuckle out of the grope on the front porch, and the way he was unbalanced, and of course, his having his bedroom in the loft. *G* Oh and I’m right there with Daniel! Damn the bad luck! ;-)

Awesome excerpt Debi! Keep ‘em coming!

Hugs

Esther

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[> [> [> Thanks for the ideas, Esther -- Debi, 13:28:58 06/27/09 Sat

>>The car rolled to a stop in front of Daniel’s house.
>
>I can't remember where I heard it or read it or when I
>finally understood it, but this sentence starts with
>the. Not normally a big deal, but when you're
>starting a scene (and yes I realize this isn't
>necessarily the start of the scene, but it could
>technically apply to any paragraph) a sentence
>starting with the word the is introducing a noun to
>which we haven't been introduced to yet. In this case
>a car. And by starting out with the car, it leads me
>to believe the paragraph that follows is about the
>car, especially in this case cause it seems to roll to
>a stop all by itself. And then you switch back and
>forth between the house and Valerie getting out of the
>car. The description of the house seems out of place
>where it is, and if you want to include such
>descriptions, I’d suggest trying to incorporate them
>in, say for instance when they walk up the steps and
>cross the deck. Or so is MHO. *G*

Good points, all. I'll work them in as I review and tweak this scene.
>
>And with Daniel, just what did they give him at the
>hospital? I'm having a hard time grasping that his
>injuries warrant a drug that has such a debilitating
>response for him. But then again, I'm living with a
>man that has a very high threshold for pain, and so
>could just as easily be just my problem. It just
>seems exaggerated to me. I can appreciate he’d need
>help if his hands were bandaged, I just can’t see him
>needing assistance to the extent he has here.

Cat bites are very painful (this I know from more than one incident with angry kitties), coupled with scratches and both his hands were pretty much shredded. I had the idea of his getting a prescription of demerol tabs for the first few days, for that very reason. In the previous scene, they left the ER and stopped at a nearby pharmacy to fill the scrips and Valerie had him take a pill before they drove home 30 minutes. It's had time to kick in. (again, presonal experience from taking my DH to the hospital on multiple occasions for kideny stones.) Ibuprofen works after the initial pain starts to fade.
>
>But I did get a chuckle out of the grope on the front
>porch, and the way he was unbalanced, and of course,
>his having his bedroom in the loft. *G* Oh and I’m
>right there with Daniel! Damn the bad luck! ;-)

LOL, thanks!
>
>Awesome excerpt Debi! Keep ‘em coming!
>
>Hugs

Hugs back!
>
>Esther

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[> [> [> [> Re: A testimonial about injuries inflicted by a cat >>>>> -- Page, 20:28:45 06/27/09 Sat

[Insert names of major narcotics, all flagged by Voy as spam], all good things to have if you've had a cat attach itself to you in any way.

My beloved Siamese, Kato, (who lived to the ripe old age of 18, btw!) got outside one day and was attacked by a neighbor's cat. He wasn't hurt, but was extremely agitated. He dashed into the house when we opened the door to see what that horrible noise was, and I followed him in, intent on comforting my poor baby. The minute I touched that poor baby, he latched onto my left hand with teeth and claws, and DID NOT LET GO. I prayed for death, I kid you not. My DD threw a bath towel over him and attempted to pry him loose. It only made him bite down harder and I screamed. He finally let go when DD doused us both with an ice-cold pitcher of unsweet tea. (Hey, it was cold and she improvised. *G*) I would gladly go through child-birth again, twice, before I'd go through the pain of cat bites. Before I could get to the doctor the next morning, my hand swelled up like a rubber glove full of boiling water. I was on antibiotics and painkillers for two weeks, my hand completely unusable. Those cat injuries are major!

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[> [> [> [> [> Re: A testimonial about injuries inflicted by a cat >>>>> -- Debi, 23:19:51 06/27/09 Sat

I had a cat I was bathing wait until I was toweling him off to decide to have a panic attack. He bit like a terrier, many times and fast, all into my right index finger. One razor sharp tooth went near/into the joint. Within ten minutes of being bitten, I had a loading dose of cefalexin in me, the wound scrubbed out and soaked in Betadine, and still my finger swelled to the size of a keilbasa and hurt bad enough that I would wake up at night with the throb. I've had a cat bite through my thumbnail and one that nailed the side of my thumb and made two wounds that met, one from the top, one from the bottom. A little do-it-yourself surgery and another self-dosing of antibiotics and all I have to show for it is a pink scar on the edge of my thumb. All of which I wished mightily for something stronger than ibuprofen, but since I was self-medicating, Advil was all I had. In my line of work it's only a matter of time before it appens again. I'm a bite magnet. It's just my lot in life.

At least I'm better off than Daniel. He had to get treated for potential rabies exposure. ;-)

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[> [> [> [> [> [> Well, not a testimonial about cat inflicted injuries...but>>> -- Esther, 12:33:43 06/28/09 Sun

Here's my take. I like a man, and I'm nasty enough to want/expect such a man of the hunk persuation to be able to handle a little pain. Especially in a book. Real life, okay, I get that cat scratches hurt, and I'm not saying that it isn't something that would have the cause and effect that you've shown. Been there, to an extent below that depicted here, but the other experiences I bring to mind when I read have a hard time saying okay, it's bad.

Now of course, this is based on my being the observer, not the actual participant, but that is what I'm doing when I read. Observing. So...

I've witnessed my DH tear his index finger on a piece of metal so that the bone was showing, dip it in paint thinners to stop the bleeding, tape it up in black electicians tape and go back to work. Okay not the smartest thing, but he got the job done, and there was no scar.

Once he suffered burns serious enough to leave scars on his hands, and he took maybe four tylenol. And that was after they took him into physio, did the boil bath as I call it and got the brush out and scrubbed off the dead skin. He had a prescription, but couldn't get the top off and wouldn't ask and when I opened it he said he'd gone this long without it so he didn't need it.

Work related accident, had his hand stuffed into a window and severed the tendon across the top. He sat in emercency for hours, finally was told yup you need surgery. Waited some more, had another emergency come in the hospital and was sent home to wait for the phone call. Only took four days. His hand swelled up to the size of one of those plastic gloves they use when blown full of air. He didn't take one single tylenol.

And then the last one a couple summers ago, when I woke up at 5am to a sweaty sweet sickly smell (yay for alliterations!) and realized he was in pain, took him to emergency. They hooked him up to all those lovely machines, let him wait for a few hours and sent him home. Couple days later, same thing. Again at around 5am. Took him to the hospital. The last Harry Potter book had just come out, and the four of us all had a different book and were reading in our little cubby. Around 11 am the nurse comes in, tells us his blood work is done and once the dr comes he can go home. Apparently, he didn't look like he was in pain, so he wasn't a priority. Couple hours later, dr comes in, and says it'll only be a couple more minutes and he can go home. Then she looks at the chart, says whoa, that's not good and asks him what they gave him for pain and how long ago. He didn't ask for anything, so they didn't give him anything. He was admitted immediately and was scheduled for surgery. And took nothing when he got home for pain.

And my gosh he does sound accident prone, but that is what I've seen over the last 18 years. Before my time, he broke his back and still has that to deal with everyday, and he has a scar on his leg from his ankle to just below his knee where he broke it.

Sorry, but in my mind, Daniel got scratched up by a cat. One that just got hit by a car, so was hurt and probly freaking, (although, when I read that the cat was hit, I imagined s/he was hurt bad, as in not moving, barely alive, which could seriously effect my perception) but still, I don't get it. So your job is to get me to believe that his injuries are that serious. And it prolly wouldn't hurt to have the side effect of whatever they gave him discussed cause I know nothing and if I read that something will make him sleepy and totally out of it, I'm all for it, and then hopefully I'll get it. Don't tell me they hurt, you have to show me, and yup, I realize it's in a previous scene I haven't read yet, so that's hypothetically impossible and you've prolly addressed these things already. *G* Now, being a totally blank slate for what actually happens and what they need to do for cat shredded hands and potential bites, I have no clue. Remember I know nothing, just giving my impression.

And maybe, just maybe, this is a really big hint that I need to read that scene! ;-)

Hugs

Esther

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> Damn, your DH is hard-core. -- Debi, 21:59:34 06/28/09 Sun

I'm stoic as hell with pain, but your DH has sustained injuries that would probably freak me out, just from seeing my bone exposed. Damn...

>Sorry, but in my mind, Daniel got scratched up by a
>cat.

Don't forget bitten, many times. Imagine someone grabbing your hand over and over with an old fashioned staple remover that had been sharpened to fine points. And having those points hit the bones and the joint spaces, scissoring out bits of flesh. Claws are not unlike razors, just duller, so they drag and shred as well as cut.

And badly hurt cats, even ones that are dying from their injuries can and will fight to the last breath, especially a feral cat. Granted, this info was in the previous scene. Plus this cat had a kitten to defend. Also info from previous scenes. ;-)


And it prolly wouldn't hurt to have the side
>effect of whatever they gave him discussed cause I
>know nothing and if I read that something will make
>him sleepy and totally out of it, I'm all for it, and
>then hopefully I'll get it.

Good point. I looked them up when I was writing, but I'll add a couple of lines of dialogue in the ER scene.

Don't tell me they hurt,
>you have to show me, and yup, I realize it's in a
>previous scene I haven't read yet, so that's
>hypothetically impossible and you've prolly addressed
>these things already. *G* Now, being a totally blank
>slate for what actually happens and what they need to
>do for cat shredded hands and potential bites, I have
>no clue. Remember I know nothing, just giving my
>impression.

No problem. I've done some tweaking on the previous scenes. I'll post it/them soon. Hopefully it'll all make better sense.
>
>And maybe, just maybe, this is a really big hint that
>I need to read that scene! ;-)

Message received. Look for them on a lit forum near you!
>
>Hugs
>
>Esther

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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> If the message was received, why isn't it here yet???? I'm waiting! *G* -- Esther, 14:45:42 06/30/09 Tue


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[> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> [> *snerk* -- Debi, 14:53:30 06/30/09 Tue

I'm working, woman!!;-) I'll have a three day weekend, I'll get to it then.

Be patient...

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