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Date Posted: 18:01:36 06/26/09 Fri
Author: Page
Subject: Re: Okay...Larn threw down the gauntlet, so...>>>
In reply to: Esther 's message, "Okay...Larn threw down the gauntlet, so...>>>" on 16:50:05 06/20/09 Sat

Wow, Esther, that first part was so powerful! Thankfully, I've never been abused, but you wrote this so clearly that I understood the way this woman was feeling. Her state of mind came through loud and clear, and I could feel her shame, her guilt and her anger. The comparison between the broken raptor and the woman was brilliant. "Her wings broken, she can no longer fly." I felt that was describing both the raptor and the narrator. And when she made her decision at the end of this section -- wow. When it came time to kill someone, she didn't choose to kill him. He'd made her feel so worthless and had ingrained those feelings of inadequacy so much, she chose to kill herself.

The man didn't come across as strongly to me, but I think it's because of my confusion over the woman. The woman who came to him was the same as the battered woman, right? And I remember from reading another excerpt you posted a while back, the two of them being together. I remember her talking about her children. But the woman he was trying to summon -- it was a different woman? At least, that's what I got, but I'm not sure. The bandages on his wrists threw me, too. I couldn't figure out if it was part of his vision, or if he was remembering an earlier incident, an encounter with this white woman from before.

But all in all, a very gripping piece! Your writing has the power to pull me into a story, even if I don't quite understand what's going on. It just makes me want to read more, so that I can grasp it.

Hugs,
Page

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Replies:

[> [> [> Heya Page! >>> -- Esther, 15:55:18 06/27/09 Sat

>Wow, Esther, that first part was so powerful!
>Thankfully, I've never been abused, but you wrote this
>so clearly that I understood the way this woman was
>feeling. Her state of mind came through loud and
>clear, and I could feel her shame, her guilt and her
>anger. The comparison between the broken raptor and
>the woman was brilliant. "Her wings broken, she can
>no longer fly." I felt that was describing both the
>raptor and the narrator. And when she made her
>decision at the end of this section -- wow. When it
>came time to kill someone, she didn't choose to kill
>him. He'd made her feel so worthless and had
>ingrained those feelings of inadequacy so much, she
>chose to kill herself.

Thanks Page. I've been working on this opening for years. And I mean years. I remember discussing it with another LOL lit writer at the Surrey conference in 2002.

The shame and worthlessness she feels, that make her choose what she does, is such an important concept, that if the reader doesn’t grasp it here, right from the start her decisions, and her choices are questionable and then I’ll have frustrated readers. It needs to be believable otherwise she’ll come across as a selfish woman who is only thinking of herself. She honestly believes her children are better off without her, and certainly safer. So...whew! Something worked! *G*
>
>The man didn't come across as strongly to me, but I
>think it's because of my confusion over the woman.
>The woman who came to him was the same as the battered
>woman, right? And I remember from reading another
>excerpt you posted a while back, the two of them being
>together. I remember her talking about her children.
>But the woman he was trying to summon -- it was
>a different woman? At least, that's what I got, but
>I'm not sure. The bandages on his wrists threw me,
>too. I couldn't figure out if it was part of his
>vision, or if he was remembering an earlier incident,
>an encounter with this white woman from before.

Okay, let’s break this up.

Yup, the woman who came to him was the battered woman. I attempted to tie them together with the slit wrists, but again, I wasn’t subtle enough. *G*

Yup the two end up together and the scene I posted awhile back dealt with her decision to leave her children.

Now to the confusing part. The woman he was trying to summon, was it a different woman? Yes and no. Helpful huh?

The bandages on his wrists? Well…

Her intention,

Blood wells up where it slices into my thumb, trickling down and across my wrist in a trail of coincidence.

His counter,

Ruby-red liquid, his life force, welled up from the slits on his arms, following a twisted path of fate over his wrists and spattering on the ground.

When she slit hers, he slit his. Again, I was too subtle. I can tell you that what is happening is no vision, she’s there with him, and that, I hope, is part of the hook that will keep the pages turning. And as I mentioned to Debi, if I had posted the whole scene, it might have been more clear.
>
>But all in all, a very gripping piece! Your writing
>has the power to pull me into a story, even if I don't
>quite understand what's going on. It just makes me
>want to read more, so that I can grasp it.

Thanks Page! As I’ve said before, I have a tendency to ramble around the issue, and hint at stuff that perhaps I should just say outright. Case in point, why can’t I call a hawk a hawk? *G*
>
>Hugs,
>Page

Hugs back!

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