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Date Posted: 21:43:14 06/26/09 Fri
Author: Page
Subject: Re: Okay, Larn, it's not just you -- the internet ate my first reply, too!! Trying again, Debi! >>>>
In reply to: Debi 's message, "Valerie and Daniel" on 18:32:47 06/20/09 Sat

Let's see if I can remember what I typed before....

I burn with envy when I read anything from Old Dogs, because the relationship between Daniel and Valerie is so REAL, and easy, and natural. I don't know how hard it is for you to write it, but it appears like it's just effortless! You have the perfect mix of humor along with the more serious thoughts and reactions of the characters, and I wish I could do that! Reading about Daniel and Valerie is like having a conversation with your best friend. With chocolate.

I really, really liked the bit about Daniel wearing his wedding band around his neck while his hands are bandaged. Not in his pocket, not put away in his sock drawer waiting for his hands to heal. No, the man has to WEAR it. Having read other excerpts, I know the reason why Daniel wears the ring, but I love how you worked it in here without overstating it. Just mentioning it. I also liked how Valerie felt about it. Not thinking about Daniel's wife, but about the love behind the ring. Very nice, especially after her remembering hauling a drunken Ben home.

One problem that really stuck out to me was the first paragraph. It's just not up to par with what I've come to expect from you, and what I know you can do. It reads very stilted and awkward, like "See Dick. See Jane. See Dick and Jane run." Or like "See the car. See the house. See the house on the lake." It's especially jarring compared to the rest of the piece, which is written in that effortless-seeming flow. The first paragraph just doesn't flow to me.

Otherwise, bravo! I think these two characters are brilliant, and I love their story!

Hugs,
Page

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Replies:

[> [> [> Thank you, Page -- Debi, 09:34:51 06/27/09 Sat

>Let's see if I can remember what I typed before....
>
>I burn with envy when I read anything from Old Dogs,
>because the relationship between Daniel and Valerie is
>so REAL, and easy, and natural. I don't know how hard
>it is for you to write it, but it appears like it's
>just effortless! You have the perfect mix of humor
>along with the more serious thoughts and reactions of
>the characters, and I wish I could do that!
>Reading about Daniel and Valerie is like having a
>conversation with your best friend. With chocolate.

Thank you so much Page. I love your writing and you telling me you're envious makes my day! {Hugs}
>
>I really, really liked the bit about Daniel wearing
>his wedding band around his neck while his hands are
>bandaged. Not in his pocket, not put away in his sock
>drawer waiting for his hands to heal. No, the man has
>to WEAR it. Having read other excerpts, I know the
>reason why Daniel wears the ring, but I love how you
>worked it in here without overstating it. Just
>mentioning it. I also liked how Valerie felt about
>it. Not thinking about Daniel's wife, but about the
>love behind the ring. Very nice, especially after her
>remembering hauling a drunken Ben home.

Valerie is sensible enough to not blame the person the ring represents. Having worn just such a ring and knowing that hers didn't mean much at all has disillusioned her toward the institution of marriage, even though she has the example of her sister and BIL as a positive representation. Valerie is attracted to Daniel at this point, but still not ready for more. Their relationship kinda sneaks up on her.
>
>One problem that really stuck out to me was the first
>paragraph. It's just not up to par with what I've
>come to expect from you, and what I know you can do.
>It reads very stilted and awkward, like "See Dick.
>See Jane. See Dick and Jane run." Or like "See the
>car. See the house. See the house on the lake."
>It's especially jarring compared to the rest of the
>piece, which is written in that effortless-seeming
>flow. The first paragraph just doesn't flow to me.
>
I will review and rewrite. Thanks for pointing it out to me.

>Otherwise, bravo! I think these two characters are
>brilliant, and I love their story!

Thank you!!!
>
>Hugs,
>Page

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