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Date Posted: 12:33:20 07/04/09 Sat
Author: susiej
Subject: Great scene Page>>>
In reply to: Page 's message, "Wednesday, I think, will be my check-in day >>>>" on 21:18:25 07/01/09 Wed

You really use all the senses- I really see feel and smell the scene.

One thing- I've probably missed some posts, but i was a little confused about Katie's "uncomfortable state"- is that just from too much rough mmmph? and is that implied?

and this is picky, but I would move the placing of "temporarily" to "temporarily ignored" seems stronger/clearer and centers the last clause on the compelling reason why- the view.

And somehow, the heading to the coffee "with alacrity" seemed off to me. Don't know why but it jarred- as if out of place with the rest of the great scene. Maybe just "made a bee line for the coffee" it's more slangy, the way they talk. But that's just MHO, of course.

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[> [> [> Thank you, susiej! >>>> -- Page, 16:55:35 07/04/09 Sat

>You really use all the senses- I really see feel and
>smell the scene.
>
Here's an admission for you -- I actually went out and purchased sandalwood incense. *G* It had been so long since I'd smelled any, and I wanted to "be" in the scene as much as I could. I'm glad this is coming through!

>One thing- I've probably missed some posts, but i was
>a little confused about Katie's "uncomfortable state"-
>is that just from too much rough mmmph? and is that
>implied?

No, no mmphing yet. I just didn't post the beginning of that chapter. Katie's uncomfortable state is due to having slept for almost 37 hours, jet-lag having laid her flat before Adam could. *G*

>
>and this is picky, but I would move the placing of
>"temporarily" to "temporarily ignored" seems
>stronger/clearer and centers the last clause on the
>compelling reason why- the view.

I concur! Good catch on that, thank you!
>
>And somehow, the heading to the coffee "with alacrity"
>seemed off to me. Don't know why but it jarred- as if
>out of place with the rest of the great scene. Maybe
>just "made a bee line for the coffee" it's more
>slangy, the way they talk. But that's just MHO, of
>course.

And I value your opinion, so keep 'em coming! After reading that part again, I tend to agree with you. Somehow "alacrity" is a touch too...formal?...for this. "Made a bee line" is much more in keeping with the characters, and with the scene. Thank you again!

Hugs,
Page

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