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Date Posted: 23:59:03 02/22/11 Tue
In reply to:
's message, "Re: I'll Fly Away" on 13:17:49 02/22/11 Tue
I have a month or better before this is due, so you have a window of opportunity, Esther. If you can't get to it before, I'd still like to hear what you have to say.
>I like the story; the dialogue as always is spot-on Thank you!
>and you've created a family very clearly despite the
>shortness of the piece. I had a picture of somewhere
>in the Appalachians,Smokies, but still a sub-range of the Appalachians perhaps sometime in the past. I was aiming for the 1920's hence the mention of moonshine. I've seen two documentaries about Prohibition and moonshine recently I
>like some of the phrases that sound like regional
>dialect without being overdone: I was trying not to beat the reader over the head with dialect, which is devilishly hard to write and not sound ridiculous
>If you wanted to add to the story, I'd like to see a
>bit more of Momma. What did she sing at her chores?
>What kind of chores did she sing for? I got the idea
>that she was a small woman ("trying to birth a child
>much too big for her little body") but not a clear
>picture of her. You could also add a few extra lines
>about Jimmy: who he is, how the narrator knows him,
>how he contrasts with Daddy. Good ideas: since I have plenty of time, I may play with this. I still have two more pages I could add if need be.
>>At the ripe old age of seventeen I felt
like I as old as Methuselah.
>Redundant phrasing. Fixed!
>>I’ve never seen so much blood in all my days. It
>looked like a hog-killing.
>>He reached for the mantel, opened the face of the
>Grandma’s clock ticking there and touched the pendulum
>to stop it.
>Nice touch. TY! I was trying to work in some of the superstitions about death to help place the piece and help flesh the people out.
>>Ben and Brenda, my youngest sister and brother,
>I'd switch the order to be consistent: "Ben and
>Brenda, my youngest brother and sister". I assume
>these are the "twins" mentioned later? 'Tis. I think I've fixed this already. I remember on a second reading this catching my attention.
>This really demonstrates how up-against-the-wall poor
>they are. Nice use of "show, don't tell". I don't know how I wrote anything without Google at my beck and call.
>>I cut my eyes at the door toward the kitchen.
>This phrase made me pause a bit. I know what you mean,
>but it sounds strange. Another Southernism...;-)
>>She was the age I was now when I was born.
>Slightly confusing (again, I know what you mean but I
>had to read it twice). I'd turn it around: "when I was
>born, she had been the age I was now." I've done something to this too, but since the flash drive is in the other room and I have a cat pinning me down, I'll make sure later.
>>“I took his pistol away from him too.”
>Ooh, didn't see that coming! Me neither! It was one of those parts that wrote itself.
>>I felt my heart thump, stutter, and commence to
>>beating again, this time wild and fluttering.
As I took a deep
>>as the man was drunk and neglectful and useless as
>>tits on a boar hog, he was hurt, nigh on to wanting to
>>die himself over Momma’s passing.
>>breath, surprised at how I felt; that I was glad that
>>I wasn’t burying him today too.
>I would take out the sentence about Daddy being drunk
>and neglectful; I think the scene would be stronger
>without it. Although I do like the phrase "useless as
>tits on a boar hog"; maybe you can reuse it elsewhere.
I'll play with it and see what I like. And I actually changed that phrase to 'useless as a watch without hands' since she's been looking down on her father for being lacking in her eyes and I'm not sure she would let herself use such a coarse phrase. I on the other hand, use it frequently.;-)
>Overall, good job!
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