Not too late, thanks susiej! -- Ladies of Lallybroch Literary Forum

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Date Posted: 08:07:55 02/28/11 Mon
Author: Debi
Subject: Not too late, thanks susiej!
In reply to: susiej 's message, "Probably too late for the class but here's my thoughts." on 18:30:48 02/27/11 Sun

>I like it alot. LIke the way it circled round and
>surprised me as well as the MC. Nicely done- here's my
>pickies
>
>>“Sing us a song, girl.”
>>
>>These words, coming out of my Daddy’s mouth, made me
>>so mad I could spit. On a regular day he was just
>>sorry as the day is long, but today, of all days, for
>>him to ask me to do anything…
>
>
> I'd redo to:
>
>I was so mad I could spit. On a regular day Daddy was
>just sorry as the day is long, but today....
>
>the these words part made it feel passive- start with
>the emotion.

I'll give it a whirl, all your suggestions. I've been tweaking and retweaking and still have another week or two before we get started on these. Thanks for commenting!!!

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>>I like it alot. LIke the way it circled round and >>surprised me as well as the MC. Nicely done- here's my >>pickies >> >>>“Sing us a song, girl.” >>> >>>These words, coming out of my Daddy’s mouth, made me >>>so mad I could spit. On a regular day he was just >>>sorry as the day is long, but today, of all days, for >>>him to ask me to do anything… >> >> >><b> I'd redo to: >> >>I was so mad I could spit. On a regular day Daddy was >>just sorry as the day is long, but today.... >> >>the these words part made it feel passive- start with >>the emotion. </b> > >I'll give it a whirl, all your suggestions. I've been >tweaking and retweaking and still have another week or >two before we get started on these. Thanks for >commenting!!!
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