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Date Posted: 21:55:11 03/29/10 Mon
Author: Esther
Subject: This way please >>>
In reply to:
Esther
's message, "Does almost a homework count?" on 21:44:41 03/29/10 Mon
A bit of setupDarian has just provided Heather with a bit of history regarding his and Fallons existence, and he has also made it clear that he expects Heather to save his brother and get him to the Senate of Peers to be judged. To that end, he has provided the ground rules that Heather cant break or she wont succeed. Cadmus is still tying to thwart any plans that Heather might have, but she has broken free of his grasp and has taken Fallon to his home to either gather his strength or die.
Excerpt from working title Mirrors
by E.M. Sawatzky 2010 All rights reserved.
Posted for critiquing purposes only and does not constitute publication.
I crawled closer to where he lay. Curled on his side, he appeared vulnerable and I had the urge to protect him. Not wanting the jagged edges of the rocks to slash his skin, I imagined sand, warmed by the sun and contoured to his body. Rocks and pebbles crumbled, hundreds of years of erosion taking effect because of my will.
Heather, yourenotsafe here. His large frame was racked with pain, yet there was no indication he suffered. Think ofDarian andhe willcomefor you.
Despite his unsurpassed strength, his magic faded. His presence lessened. He lost his physical dominance. His eyes closed.
Acceptance. Thats what I felt. Damn it! I was losing him. So close, yet so far. He was slipping away from me when I was within a hands reach. Fuck. It might as well be a thousand miles. Infinity passed before I closed the distance and took his face in my hands, the pressure I applied on his cheek turning his relaxed features toward me. Touching should ease us.
It didnt. My fingers on his skin allowed me to feel the coldness, and that was all.
This is not over between us Fallon. Do you hear me? No response.
Frantic, I pushed against his shoulder, forcing him onto his back. His arms splayed, weightless. His whole body appeared boneless. Damn you Fallon. It will not end like this!
SorryHon
I curled my body tight against his side, my head resting on his chest. His heart beat in languid pulses, fading in strength with each passing minute. I need you to stay with me.
sotired.
Closer. I had to be closer to him. I rose up and swung my leg over, straddling him. I was shocked how fragile he felt underneath me; I worried my weight was enough to crush him.
In just those few non-existent moments I lay beside him, he had deteriorated. I reached out and traced the changes with my fingertips. The area under his eyes had a bruised look. His skin had a cadaverous pallor, and he lacked physical substance as if the weight of him was irrelevant. I could see the details of his rib cage. It was like I was witnessing his decomposition while he still lived. No, not like. I was.
I knew better now what Darian meant about the world being less without Fallon. Already I could feel the loss of his magic, and I recognized how the absence of his power would affect everything he had touched.
No more would he flash his teasing grin or arch an arrogant brow. No more would women blush at his outrageous yet evocatively innocent suggestions. No more would women fantasize and dream about sensations that would make them come alive. Alive? How could they be with him gone? How could I? Why would I want to?
Tears blurred my vision. I leaned down, brushing my lips against Fallons and then smoothing my cheek over his. I breathed in his scent, the sickly odour broadcasting his pain. Without Fallon, sex wouldnt be a component of sexy. Women would just beless. All of us, everywhere, would subsist without desire. Alone and lonely for as long as we lived because we wouldnt have anything to look forward to, take pride in, or nurture.
Men would be affected too. Without lust, there would be no emotion attached to the act. Sex would become just the physical release. No more could men and women make love, because.becauselove wouldnt exist either.
Or it might survive. Darian was stronger than even Fallon had realized. But it was also obvious Darian was changing without Fallons power holding his in check. But Darian was incapable of saying no. What atrocities would be committed under the mockery love would become?
My heart pounded in fear of what could be. Would be? Damn it! No! Darian? Darian! Answer me!
I have sent Darian back to the place he was before you called him forth.
Cadmus?
Do you have yet another mate of whom I am unaware?
You sent Darian back to his personal prison? Why?
Cadmus materialized before us, standing by Fallons head. You now understand how much a danger he is to all of us, and yet you do not admit allowing him to live will endanger us all.
I shifted so my hands were propped on the ground and my arms supported my weight. I still had to tilt my neck to look upwards at Cadmus. Keep up with the conversation. Fallons life is the one in danger.
As is Darians. He smiled. If I wish it.
Fallon took your powers.
He nodded acknowledgement. But he is no longer strong enough to hold them.
He will be. And then he will take them back.
His life is like a floating leaf. Dependent on the fickleness of wind to carry it to safety.
Are you saying I represent the wind?
Cadmus laughed, changing the sand to a beautiful leaf-strewn oasis covered in royal red and gold carpet that crinkled under his feet. No. Im saying his life will end up being crushed beneath my boot.
I wasnt ready to accept that Fallons fate was to fade away and changed the leaves back to the warm sand. I dont believe you.
No? You are in an intimate position with lust itself and your heart pounds, not because of physical pleasure or exertion, but in apprehension of what you know will come to pass. You are naught but a toddler playing dolls in the sandbox.
Then explain it to me.
Cadmus squatted, and propped his forearm against his knee. His voice softened, a tone used to cajole an errant child to behave. All you are accomplishing with your disobedience is letting Fallon suffer. You need to let him go. Show him he has honour. Let his last sounds not be the misery of your weeping.
No.
Then I will make you.
Fallon stirred at Cadmuss threat; his fingers curled into a fist.
Easy Fallon. Its only Cadmus being what he is. Which is an arrogant prick. I placed my hand on Fallons chest, soothing him, as I glared at Cadmus. You dont possess enough power.
The powerful Sentinel sighed and glanced down at Fallon with distaste. Why do you protect him?
My fingers followed my gaze and traced over Fallons face. Because hes mine.
Cadmus regarded me with narrowed-eye scrutiny. Perhaps he is Heather. His voice lowered. Perhaps he is. He stood, his knee cracking with the sudden movement.
Startled, I glanced up to see him smile.
Dont look so surprised. I am, after all, older than I appear. And you think Im weak. The smile vanished and his face became stern. Heres the deal Heather. With my powers back, I can enforce my claim as your mate
Again Fallon shifted, only this time he wouldnt be quieted with a touch and he managed to curl his arm up to grip my forearm in distress. No, honneyyou cant.
Shhh.
The smile reappeared on Cadmuss face. Fallon doesnt want you to accept me, does he?
I dont want to accept you. And you dont want me either. Remember?
Damn. Why would I have said that? He ran his fingers through his hair. Listen. Save your male. Get him on a leash, one he cant twist out of or you into, and do it quick. When I dont bring you back, another Sentinel, perhaps more, will be sent to do what I cannot. Will not. And you need to leave here. This place is known to us all.
With those parting words he faded, and with the lack of his presence and distraction, Fallons physical anguish increased.
I blinked, and Cadmus reappeared before me.
Im not even your mate and youre driving me crazy. He reached out and grabbed the back of my neck, pulling me toward him. I cant remember why I want to resist, he whispered against my lips. So dont fail or were all at risk.
His kiss held more passion than I thought he possessed. Dominant, yet soft, his lips tempted as they demanded, and in the process he accepted what I was willing to give. At that moment he merged into the two males I couldnt give up. He became the physical being offering safety and excitement as need required. I opened up to him, and when I did, he pulled away, resting his forehead against mine. He was breathing hard, and it took him a moment to lean back. When he did, I realized he had been holding Fallon down, restraining him.
Whats life without a taste of temptation? But Heather? Life also needs a balance between love and lust. Collar both your males, and then, and only then, will I be able to help you get to the Senate of Peers. With those words Cadmus vanished.
Stunned, I stared off into the distance, half-expecting Cadmus to appear before us yet again, spewing cryptic remarks, distracting me from my purpose. Then the sound of a deep breath being drawn in, and the thought of my weight hindering Fallon from taking in enough air, hurled me back into this reality. Fallons eyes were open, glaring in accusation, and his body was solid underneath me, no longer fragile, but still weak. The musk of his power hung in the air like an aphrodisiac. Just one taste would be all I needed.
I reached out for it; I called forth my power and reached for him. I leaned down until I could feel his breath on my face. His eyes closed, as if he was unwilling to see me. I wouldnt allow it. My hand fisted his hair, pulling against the resistance. Open up to me.
No.
With the magic I possessed, I pulled more of his inside. Yes. The tone of my voice was a purr, an inducement, an enticement not to be ignored.
I wont let you use my powers against me.
Oh huh knee, you dont have a choice. Your power belongs to me. My mouth brushed against his, but he firmed his lips and refused to accept my desire. Fine. I pulled harder on his hair. I kissed his throat. I let my hands roam at will over the softness of his shirt, exploring the strength of his broad shoulders, the sculpted chest, the washboard abdominals, envisioning through touch what I couldnt see.
He didnt hinder my progress, but he didnt encourage it either. From the position I was in, straddling his hips, I didnt have to envision the effect I was having on him. I could feel his erection straining against the confining material. His life was out of jeopardy while mine was taking a risky sojourn into his realm of fantasy.
I shifted my weight to free the shirt I had trapped underneath my thighs; he moaned, arching back, pressing up, keeping the contact intimate.
One button at the bottom of his white shirt was undone. I fumbled with the next one, my fingers brushing against his abs. He hissed between his teeth, his hips pressed tighter to mine. The restrained power set off a surge of adrenaline. No longer could I be gentle. I yanked his shirt open, snapping the buttons off to get to his skin, to feel the blast of heat.
With a sudden burst of energy he rolled us; he grabbed my hands in one of his and held them above my head. Youre killing me Heather. He nuzzled my neck; he kissed my throat.
Im trying to save you.
His breath panted in my ear. Honey, dying was less painful. His tongue scorched a trail around the outside of my earlobe.
At the last second I remembered Darians admonition that no part of Fallons body could be in mine. I twisted my head away. Dont you feel better?
He chuckled, a deep, sensual laugh that curled my toes. You tell me. He released my hands, and guided one of them down my own body so I could feel my heart beat, and then he continued on to the bulge in his pants. He forced my palm open and placed it on his erection, tossing his head back and closing his eyes in ecstasy at the contact. How do I feel?
I licked my lips, unable to speak even in my head. The heat I felt through the hindering material seemed to increase to the point I wondered how he wasnt burning up.
Tell me Heather. Tell me how I feel.
Better was the correct answer. Hot.
Fallon smiled. Im feverish? Perhaps we shouldnt do this. He guided my hand to move in a strong, forceful motion up and back down. Once. Twice. Three times. Teasing me with what I would miss, and then the movement stopped. He was breathless; his jaw was clenched together. Tell me how I feel.
Incredible. Amazing. Better then ever. Any of those would have been a suitable answer.
Hard.
At his encouragement, my hand pressed tighter, harder against him. His hips mimicked the action he refused to allow my hand to make. Tell me.
Youre swelling beneath my hand. I swallowed, my throat dry. Your skin feels tight, like youre going to explode.
Is that what you want Heather? Do you want me to come for you?
No! You cant. I recognized Fallons withdrawal. Damn it. Its not like that.
He released my hand. Then how is it? His lips curled up in cruel twist. Am I to pleasure you until you orgasm?
No. You cant.
I can do a lot of things, Hon. And making you scream in ecstasy is nothing for me. What Im having a problem with is trying to decipher the mixed signals youre sending. He shifted his weight off, leaned against the tree that materialized at his will and closed his eyes.
His physical need was undiminished, but he no longer had use for me. His lashes fluttered, then as if it were a great effort, his eyes opened. He licked his lips. So youve done your good deed. Youve saved what should not have been saved. Go. My brother will take care of you.
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Re: This way please >>> -- susiej, 18:50:34 03/31/10 Wed
>A bit of setupDarian has just provided Heather with a
>bit of history regarding his and Fallons existence,
>and he has also made it clear that he expects Heather
>to save his brother and get him to the Senate of Peers
>to be judged. To that end, he has provided the ground
>rules that Heather cant break or she wont succeed.
>Cadmus is still tying to thwart any plans that Heather
>might have, but she has broken free of his grasp and
>has taken Fallon to his home to either gather his
>strength or die.
>
>
>
>Excerpt from working title Mirrors
>by E.M. Sawatzky 2010 All rights reserved.
>Posted for critiquing purposes only and does not
>constitute publication.
I had a difficult time finding time to get to this. My son was home sick from school and tends to read over my shoulder! But, I have read it and you're right, there does seem to be some telling when you are adding in the details.
>
>
>I crawled closer to where he lay. Curled on his side,
>he appeared vulnerable and I had the urge to protect
>him. Not wanting the jagged edges of the rocks to
>slash his skin, I imagined sand, warmed by the sun and
>contoured to his body. Rocks and pebbles crumbled,
>hundreds of years of erosion taking effect because of
>my will.
I think it would read better as:
I crawled closer to where he lay curled on his side.
(next line is telling) I imagined sand, warmed by the sun and contoured to his body and the jagged rocks he lay on crumbled, hundreds of years.....
I really loved that last image/thought by the way!
>
>Heather, yourenotsafe here. His large frame
>was racked with pain, yet there was no indication he
>suffered. Think ofDarian andhe willcomefor
>you.
His large frame sounds so analytical- especially coming before racked with pain. I'd just say body or even his beautiful body
>
>Despite his unsurpassed strength, his magic faded. His
>presence lessened. He lost his physical dominance. how exactly? the grace and quickness with which he always moved was gone? the luster of his eyes?-show me!
>His eyes closed.
>
>Acceptance. Thats what I felt. Damn it! I was
>losing him. So close, yet so far. He was slipping
>away from me when I was within a hands reach. Fuck.
>It might as well be a thousand miles. Infinity passed
>before I closed the distance and took his face in my
>hands, the pressure I applied on his cheek turning his
>relaxed features toward me. Touching should ease us.
>
>It didnt. My fingers on his skin allowed me to feel
>the coldness, and that was all.
>
>This is not over between us Fallon. Do you hear
>me? No response.
>
>Frantic, I pushed against his shoulder, forcing him
>onto his back. His arms splayed, weightless. this is good! His whole body appeared boneless. that was good! Damn you Fallon. It
>will not end like this!
>
>SorryHon
>
>I curled my body tight against his side, my head
>resting on his chest. His heart beat in languid
>pulses, fading in strength with each passing minute. yea- see, you've got it now.
>I need you to stay with me.
>
>sotired.
>
>Closer. I had to be closer to him. I rose up and
>swung my leg over, straddling him. I was shocked how
>fragile he felt underneath me; I worried my weight was
>enough to crush him.
>
>In just those few non-existent moments I lay beside
>him, he had deteriorated. I reached out and traced
>the changes with my fingertips. The area under his
>eyes had a bruised look. how about: The skin beneath his eyes looked bruised, his pallor like a corpse. The other seemed wordy and formal for such a sad thought. His pallor was corpselike His skin had a cadaverous
>pallor, and he lacked physical substance as if the
>weight of him was irrelevant. I could see the details
>of his rib cage. It was like I was witnessing his
>decomposition while he still lived. No, not like. I
>was.
>
>I knew better now what Darian meant about the world
>being less without Fallon. Already I could feel the
>loss of his magic, and I recognized how the absence of
>his power would affect everything he had touched.
>
>No more would he flash his teasing grin or arch an
>arrogant brow. No more would women blush at his
>outrageous yet evocatively innocent suggestions. No
>more would women fantasize and dream about sensations
>that would make them come alive. Alive? How could
>they be with him gone? How could I? Why would I want
>to?
>
>Tears blurred my vision. I leaned down, brushing my
>lips against Fallons and then smoothing my cheek over
>his. I breathed in his scent, the sickly odour
>broadcasting his pain. Without Fallon, sex wouldnt
>be a component of sexy. Women would just beless.
>All of us, everywhere, would subsist without desire.
>Alone and lonely for as long as we lived because we
>wouldnt have anything to look forward to, take pride
>in, or nurture.
>
>Men would be affected too. Without lust, there would
>be no emotion attached to the act. Sex would become
>just the physical release. No more could men and
>women make love, because.becauselove wouldnt exist
>either.
>
>Or it might survive. Darian was stronger than even
>Fallon had realized. But it was also obvious Darian
>was changing without Fallons power holding his in
>check. But Darian was incapable of saying no. What
>atrocities would be committed under the mockery love
>would become?
>
>My heart pounded in fear of what could be. Would be?
>Damn it! No! Darian? Darian! Answer me!
>
>I have sent Darian back to the place he was before
>you called him forth.
>
>Cadmus?
>
>Do you have yet another mate of whom I am
>unaware?
>
>You sent Darian back to his personal prison?
>Why?
>
>Cadmus materialized before us, standing by Fallons
>head. You now understand how much a danger he is to
>all of us, and yet you do not admit allowing him to
>live will endanger us all.
>
>I shifted so my hands were propped on the ground and
>my arms supported my weight. I still had to tilt my
>neck to look upwards at Cadmus. Keep up with the
>conversation. Fallons life is the one in danger.
>
>As is Darians. He smiled. If I wish it.
>
>Fallon took your powers.
>
>He nodded acknowledgement. But he is no longer
>strong enough to hold them.
>
>He will be. And then he will take them back.
>
>His life is like a floating leaf. Dependent on the
>fickleness of wind to carry it to safety.
>
>Are you saying I represent the wind?
>
>Cadmus laughed, changing the sand to a beautiful
>leaf-strewn oasis covered in royal red and gold carpet
>that crinkled under his feet. No. Im saying his
>life will end up being crushed beneath my boot.
>
>I wasnt ready to accept that Fallons fate was to
>fade away and changed the leaves back to the warm
>sand. I dont believe you.
>
>No? You are in an intimate position with lust itself
>and your heart pounds, not because of physical
>pleasure or exertion, but in apprehension of what you
>know will come to pass. You are naught but a toddler
>playing dolls in the sandbox.
>
>Then explain it to me.
>
>Cadmus squatted, and propped his forearm against his
>knee. His voice softened, a tone used to cajole an
>errant child to behave. All you are accomplishing
>with your disobedience is letting Fallon suffer. You
>need to let him go. Show him he has honour. Let his
>last sounds not be the misery of your weeping.
>
>No.
>
>Then I will make you.
>
>Fallon stirred at Cadmuss threat; his fingers curled
>into a fist.
>
>Easy Fallon. Its only Cadmus being what he is.
>Which is an arrogant prick. I placed my hand
>on Fallons chest, soothing him, as I glared at
>Cadmus. You dont possess enough power.
>
>The powerful Sentinel sighed and glanced down at
>Fallon with distaste. Why do you protect him?
>
>My fingers followed my gaze and traced over Fallons
>face. Because hes mine.
>
>Cadmus regarded me with narrowed-eye scrutiny.
>Perhaps he is Heather. His voice lowered. Perhaps
>he is. He stood, his knee cracking with the sudden
>movement.
>
>Startled, I glanced up to see him smile.
>
>Dont look so surprised. I am, after all, older than
>I appear. And you think Im weak. The smile
>vanished and his face became stern. Heres the deal
>Heather. With my powers back, I can enforce my claim
>as your mate
>
>Again Fallon shifted, only this time he wouldnt be
>quieted with a touch and he managed to curl his arm up
>to grip my forearm in distress. No, honneyyou
>cant.
>
>Shhh.
>
>The smile reappeared on Cadmuss face. Fallon
>doesnt want you to accept me, does he?
>
>I dont want to accept you. And you dont want me
>either. Remember?
>
>Damn. Why would I have said that? He ran his
>fingers through his hair. Listen. Save your male.
>Get him on a leash, one he cant twist out of or you
>into, and do it quick. When I dont bring you back,
>another Sentinel, perhaps more, will be sent to do
>what I cannot. Will not. And you need to leave here.
> This place is known to us all.
>
>With those parting words he faded, and with the lack
>of his presence and distraction, Fallons physical
>anguish increased.
>
>I blinked, and Cadmus reappeared before me.
>
>Im not even your mate and youre driving me crazy.
>He reached out and grabbed the back of my neck, cut reached out-go straight to grabbed- more powerful. You use reach out at least 3 times in this passage- make sure you need it- when there is distance enough for it to be needed or its symbolic.
>pulling me toward him. I cant remember why I want
>to resist, he whispered against my lips. So dont
>fail or were all at risk.
>
>His kiss held more passion than I thought he
>possessed. Dominant, yet soft, his lips tempted as
>they demanded, and in the process he accepted what I
>was willing to give. At that moment he merged into
>the two males I couldnt give up. He became the
>physical being offering safety and excitement as need
>required. I opened up to him, and when I did, he
>pulled away, resting his forehead against mine. He
>was breathing hard, and it took him a moment to lean
>back. this may be personal, but I think short snappy sentences would have more impact for this breathless bit. He was breathing hard. It took him... When he did, I realized he had been holding
>Fallon down, restraining him.
>
>Whats life without a taste of temptation? But
>Heather? Life also needs a balance between love and
>lust. Collar both your males, and then, and only
>then, will I be able to help you get to the Senate of
>Peers. With those words Cadmus vanished.
>
>Stunned, I stared off into the distance, cut out off
>half-expecting Cadmus to appear before us yet again,
>spewing cryptic remarks, distracting me from my
>purpose. Then the sound of a deep breath being drawn
>in, and the thought of my weight hindering Fallon from
>taking in enough air, hurled me back into this
>reality. Fallons eyes were open, glaring in
>accusation, and his body was solid underneath me, no
>longer fragile, but still weak. The musk of his power
>hung in the air like an aphrodisiac. Just one taste
>would be all I needed.
>
>I reached out for it; I called forth my power and
>reached for him. I leaned down until I could feel his
>breath on my face. His eyes closed, as if he was
>unwilling to see me. I wouldnt allow it. My hand
>fisted his hair, pulling against the resistance.
>Open up to me.
>
>No.
>
>With the magic I possessed, I pulled more of his
>inside. Yes. The tone of my voice was a purr, an
>inducement, an enticement not to be ignored.
>
>I wont let you use my powers against me.
>
>Oh huh knee, you dont have a choice. Your power
>belongs to me. My mouth brushed against his, but
>he firmed his lips and refused to accept my desire.
>Fine. I pulled harder on his hair. I kissed his
>throat. I let my hands roam at will over the softness
>of his shirt, exploring the strength of his broad
>shoulders, the sculpted chest, the washboard
>abdominals, envisioning through touch what I couldnt
>see.
>
>He didnt hinder my progress, but he didnt encourage
>it either. From the position I was in, straddling his
>hips, I didnt have to envision the effect I was
>having on him. I could feel his erection straining
>against the confining material. His life was out of
>jeopardy while mine was taking a risky sojourn into
>his realm of fantasy.
>
>I shifted my weight to free the shirt I had trapped
>underneath my thighs; he moaned, arching back,
>pressing up, keeping the contact intimate.
>
>One button at the bottom of his white shirt was
>undone. now, that's too much info- top or bottom of shirt doesn't matter- just get that damn thing off! *g* I fumbled with the next one, my fingers
>brushing against his abs. He hissed between his
>teeth, his hips pressed tighter to mine. The
>restrained power set off a surge of adrenaline. No
>longer could I be gentle. I yanked his shirt open,
>snapping the buttons off to get to his skin, to feel
>the blast of heat.
>
>With a sudden burst of energy he rolled us; he grabbed
>my hands in one of his and held them above my head.
>Youre killing me Heather. He nuzzled my neck;
>he kissed my throat.
>
>Im trying to save you.
>
>His breath panted in my ear. He panted in my ear. Breath can't pant by itself, I don't think. Honey, dying was less
>painful. His tongue scorched a trail around the
>outside of my earlobe. good!
>
>At the last second I remembered Darians admonition
>that no part of Fallons body could be in mine.
I put a period after admonition. No part of... make that sentence stand alone and stronger. Get rid of the boring that. I
>twisted my head away. Dont you feel better?
>
>He chuckled, a deep, sensual laugh that curled my
>toes. You tell me. He released my hands, and
>guided one of them down my own body so I could feel my
>heart beat, and then he continued on to the bulge in
>his pants. He forced my palm open and placed it on
>his erection, tossing his head back and closing his
>eyes in ecstasy at the contact. How do I feel?
>
>
>I licked my lips, unable to speak even in my head.
>The heat I felt through the hindering material seemed
>to increase to the point I wondered how he wasnt
>burning up.
>
>Tell me Heather. Tell me how I feel.
>
>Better was the correct answer. Hot.
>
>Fallon smiled. Im feverish? Perhaps we
>shouldnt do this. He guided my hand to move in a
>strong, forceful motion up and back down. Once.
>Twice. Three times. Teasing me with what I would
>miss, and then the movement stopped. He was
>breathless; his jaw was clenched together. Tell
>me how I feel.
>
>Incredible. Amazing. Better then ever. Any of those
>would have been a suitable answer.
>
>Hard.
>
>At his encouragement, my hand pressed tighter, harder
>against him. His hips mimicked the action he refused
>to allow my hand to make. Tell me.
>
>Youre swelling beneath my hand. I swallowed, my
>throat dry. Your skin feels tight, like youre
>going to explode.
>
>Is that what you want Heather? Do you want me to
>come for you?
>
>No! You cant. I recognized Fallons withdrawal.
>Damn it. Its not like that.
>
>He released my hand. Then how is it? His lips
>curled up in cruel twist. Am I to pleasure you until
>you orgasm?
>
>No. You cant.
>
>I can do a lot of things, Hon. And making you scream
>in ecstasy is nothing for me. What Im having a
>problem with is trying to decipher the mixed signals
>youre sending. He shifted his weight off, leaned
>against the tree that materialized at his will and
>closed his eyes.
>
>His physical need was undiminished, but he no longer
>had use for me. His lashes fluttered, then as if it
>were a great effort, His lashes flutterd. With a great effort his eyes opened. He licked his
>lips. So youve done your good deed. Youve saved
>what should not have been saved. Go. My brother will
>take care of you.
Hope this helped. A great, tension filled scene but it needs some tightening, more immediacy to keep up the tension. And BTW, if Heather can't have both, can I have one?
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I like this very much! -- Debi, 11:08:02 04/03/10 Sat
Maybe it's just how visual I am, it's the way I learn best, but putting some action in with the dialogue has helped clear it up for me and makes it easier for me to follow. The tension was very real and the emotion was clear. Cadmus is even starting to grow on me some, he's not just a black or white character, he's getting some shades of grey that intrigue me. Excellent! (and I'm in line for one of these guys if Heather lets one go. I'm just saying...)
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Thanxs Debi! >>> -- Esther, 11:29:28 04/04/10 Sun
>Maybe it's just how visual I am, it's the way I learn
>best, but putting some action in with the dialogue has
>helped clear it up for me and makes it easier for me
>to follow.
Hmmmm You know you have me worried with this right? I mean, that's what I thought I was doing all along! Er...or tried to anyway... *G*
The tension was very real and the emotion
>was clear.
Cool!
Cadmus is even starting to grow on me some,
>he's not just a black or white character, he's getting
>some shades of grey that intrigue me. Excellent! (and
Whoo hoo! Yes! I had hoped Cadmus was on his way to being a more three dimensional character. He certainly goes head to head with me more often than I'd like *G*
>I'm in line for one of these guys if Heather lets one
>go. I'm just saying...)
LOL K, I'll add you to the list, but I'm still trying to figure out your preference *G*
Hugs
Esther
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Thanks Susie! >>> -- Esther, 20:17:35 04/03/10 Sat
>>A bit of setupDarian has just provided Heather with a
>>bit of history regarding his and Fallons existence,
>>and he has also made it clear that he expects Heather
>>to save his brother and get him to the Senate of Peers
>>to be judged. To that end, he has provided the ground
>>rules that Heather cant break or she wont succeed.
>>Cadmus is still tying to thwart any plans that Heather
>>might have, but she has broken free of his grasp and
>>has taken Fallon to his home to either gather his
>>strength or die.
>>
>>
>>
>>Excerpt from working title Mirrors
>>by E.M. Sawatzky 2010 All rights reserved.
>>Posted for critiquing purposes only and does not
>>constitute publication.
>
> I had a difficult time finding time to get to
>this. My son was home sick from school and tends to
>read over my shoulder! But, I have read it and you're
>right, there does seem to be some telling when you are
>adding in the details.
>>
>>
>>I crawled closer to where he lay. Curled on his side,
>>he appeared vulnerable and I had the urge to protect
>>him. Not wanting the jagged edges of the rocks to
>>slash his skin, I imagined sand, warmed by the sun and
>>contoured to his body. Rocks and pebbles crumbled,
>>hundreds of years of erosion taking effect because of
>>my will.
>
> I think it would read better as:
>I crawled closer to where he lay curled on his side.
>(next line is telling) I imagined sand, warmed by the
>sun and contoured to his body and the jagged rocks he
>lay on crumbled, hundreds of years.....
>
>I really loved that last image/thought by the way!
>
Thanks! I'll have to give this one some thought
>>
>>Heather, yourenotsafe here. His large frame
>>was racked with pain, yet there was no indication he
>>suffered. Think ofDarian andhe willcomefor
>>you.
>
> His large frame sounds so analytical- especially
>coming before racked with pain. I'd just say body or
>even his beautiful body
K!
>>
>>Despite his unsurpassed strength, his magic faded. His
>>presence lessened. He lost his physical dominance.
>how exactly? the grace and quickness with which he
>always moved was gone? the luster of his eyes?-show
>me!
Hmmmm. His magic is what was fading, and it's that magic that is intangible that makes his physical presence so much more. How's that for using that? *G* Seriously...he's just been lying there prone for quite a bit so I can't think of anyway to show what isn't there. I'll ponder it some.
>>
>>Frantic, I pushed against his shoulder, forcing him
>>onto his back. His arms splayed, weightless.
>this is good! His whole body appeared boneless.
> that was good! Damn you Fallon. It
>>will not end like this!
Thanks!
>>
>>SorryHon
>>
>>I curled my body tight against his side, my head
>>resting on his chest. His heart beat in languid
>>pulses, fading in strength with each passing minute.
> yea- see, you've got it now.
>>I need you to stay with me.
K!
>>
>>In just those few non-existent moments I lay beside
>>him, he had deteriorated. I reached out and traced
>>the changes with my fingertips. The area under his
>>eyes had a bruised look. how about: The skin
>beneath his eyes looked bruised, his pallor like a
>corpse. The other seemed wordy and formal for such a
>sad thought.
Yeah, but then I have a looked in there that isn't the same as her seeing his face appeared bruised, but rather reads as if she's looking, which I was trying to avoid as unnecessary because it's Heather's POV and if she's seeing it, she doesn't have to look. I'll try and clarify it tho!
>>Im not even your mate and youre driving me crazy.
>>He reached out and grabbed the back of my neck,
>cut reached out-go straight to grabbed- more powerful.
>You use reach out at least 3 times in this passage-
>make sure you need it- when there is distance enough
>for it to be needed or its symbolic.
K, I'll so a search and see what I come up with *G*
>>pulling me toward him. I cant remember why I want
>>to resist, he whispered against my lips. So dont
>>fail or were all at risk.
>>
>>His kiss held more passion than I thought he
>>possessed. Dominant, yet soft, his lips tempted as
>>they demanded, and in the process he accepted what I
>>was willing to give. At that moment he merged into
>>the two males I couldnt give up. He became the
>>physical being offering safety and excitement as need
>>required. I opened up to him, and when I did, he
>>pulled away, resting his forehead against mine. He
>>was breathing hard, and it took him a moment to lean
>>back. this may be personal, but I think short
>snappy sentences would have more impact for this
>breathless bit. He was breathing hard. It took him...
> When he did, I realized he had been holding
>>Fallon down, restraining him.
Well, I agree that shorter sentences have more impact, but my intent here isn't to highlight Cadmus's breathlessness, but to hint that Fallon's 'acceptence' will affect Cadmus as well as Darian. Hmmmm maybe I'll just put a ; in and it'll all be good. *G*
>>
>>Stunned, I stared off into the distance, cut out
>off
K!
>>I shifted my weight to free the shirt I had trapped
>>underneath my thighs; he moaned, arching back,
>>pressing up, keeping the contact intimate.
>>
>>One button at the bottom of his white shirt was
>>undone. now, that's too much info- top or bottom
>of shirt doesn't matter- just get that damn thing off!
>*g*
LOL Well, I disagree. *G* I think it's easier to rip the bottom upwards as opposed to grabbing the top and pulling out. *G* And besides she started tracing his body from the shoulders down, so why would she go back up to the top and work her way down again as the fastest way to bare all would be to go back up and then it's a simple matter to ease it off his shoulders. ;-) Oh! And you were suppost to have the image of his abs being reavealed one button at a time. *G* I might need to expand on this...
>>His breath panted in my ear. He panted in my ear.
>Breath can't pant by itself, I don't think.
Hmmmm. He panted in my ear sounds like he's a dog slobbering all over her, at least IMHO *G* So...I'll have to think about this and see what I can do.
>>At the last second I remembered Darians admonition
>>that no part of Fallons body could be in mine.
> I put a period after admonition. No part of...
>make that sentence stand alone and stronger. Get rid
>of the boring that.
Now this I can do!
>>His physical need was undiminished, but he no longer
>>had use for me. His lashes fluttered, then as if it
>>were a great effort, His lashes flutterd. With a
>great effort his eyes opened.
I think this strays into POV issues. Heather can visibly see that his need was undiminished, but she can't know that it took him great effort to open his eyes. Sure they might have fluttered but then she's making an assumption as if they were hard to open.
He licked his
>>lips. So youve done your good deed. Youve saved
>>what should not have been saved. Go. My brother will
>>take care of you.
>
> Hope this helped. A great, tension filled scene
>but it needs some tightening, more immediacy to keep
>up the tension. And BTW, if Heather can't have both,
>can I have one?
Of course it helped! Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. Much appreciated! Oh and I'll add your name to the list. ;-)
Hugs
Esther
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Re: This way please >>> -- Alex, 23:52:19 04/02/10 Fri
Ditto what susiej said. (What a great crit!) Plus, awesome job on the rewrite. Very crisp and CLEAR. Woo hoo! A great read, Esther.
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Hey Alex! >>> -- Esther, 11:37:00 04/04/10 Sun
>Ditto what susiej said. (What a great crit!) Plus,
>awesome job on the rewrite. Very crisp and CLEAR. Woo
>hoo! A great read, Esther.
I concur! Susie did a great job showing me where I could tighten up. It's one of those cases of not being able to see the tree in the forest kinda things. *G*
K, but now I'm lost. I think it's great that you think it was a great read, and that it was crisp and clear, but I have no idea what the rewrite is that you refer to. What I miss?
Thanks for reading and commenting!
Hugs
Esther
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Re: Hey Alex! >>> -- Alex, 12:47:48 04/04/10 Sun
Last scene I remember reading with these characters was very confusing. So much so I can't even remember the point of the scene. It's just a big muddle. I left feedback about the confusion, but never got a reply. Stopped participating on the board after that, so I might have missed other posts you made. But unlike the last scene I remember, this read was effortless. The action and conflicts are clear and the character's are vivid. I'd keep turning the page now.
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Alex. My apologies. I always try really hard to respond in a timely manner, but I admit sometimes I do miss replies or I am late in replying. I cant express how much I regret that my action, or lack of, might have been the catalyst that prompted your absence from the board. More inside >>> -- Esther, 13:42:30 04/06/10 Tue
Unfortunately, I cant recall which scene you refer to, which in no way is an excuse, but I honestly dont recall missing replying to your comments. I value the feedback I receive and I always appreciate the time others spend reading and commenting.
Again, I am truly sorry if it appeared that I was ignoring your comments.
And I must say Im glad this story has gone from reading like a muddle with no point to having clear action and conflict with vivid characters! *G* Thank you!
Hugs
Esther
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Re: Alex. My apologies. I always try really hard to respond in a timely manner, but I admit sometimes I do miss replies or I am late in replying. I cant express how much I regret that my action, or lack of, might have been the catalyst that prompted your absence from the board. More inside >>> -- Alex, 17:30:14 04/12/10 Mon
>Unfortunately, I cant recall which scene you refer
>to, which in no way is an excuse, but I honestly dont
>recall missing replying to your comments. I value the
>feedback I receive and I always appreciate the time
>others spend reading and commenting.
>
>Again, I am truly sorry if it appeared that I was
>ignoring your comments.
>
>And I must say Im glad this story has gone from
>reading like a muddle with no point to having clear
>action and conflict with vivid characters! *G* Thank
>you!
>
>Hugs
>
>Esther
Thank you, Esther!
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Saturday morning with Fallon! Life is good >>>> -- 
Page, 11:23:41 04/03/10 Sat
I come up for air from working on my third - and last! - draft (over 7,000 words cut from 270 pages! Woo hoo!) and find Fallon here. I feel like a child who has received a gold star for good work! *G*
>
>
>
>Excerpt from working title Mirrors
>by E.M. Sawatzky 2010 All rights reserved.
>Posted for critiquing purposes only and does not
>constitute publication.
>
>
>I crawled closer to where he lay. Curled on his side,
>he appeared vulnerable and I had the urge to protect
>him. Not wanting the jagged edges of the rocks to
>slash his skin, I imagined sand, warmed by the sun and
>contoured to his body. Rocks and pebbles crumbled,
>hundreds of years of erosion taking effect because of
>my will.
I agree with Susie about the first and second sentences. When she changed the rocks to sand you showed Heather wanted to protect him. No need to tell us. (And can I just say...Fallon lying on warm sand? Yowza.)
>
>Heather, yourenotsafe here. His large frame
>was racked with pain, yet there was no indication he
>suffered. Think ofDarian andhe willcomefor
>you.
>
>Despite his unsurpassed strength, his magic faded. His
>presence lessened. He lost his physical dominance.
>His eyes closed.
>
>Acceptance. Thats what I felt. Damn it! I was
>losing him. So close, yet so far. He was slipping
>away from me when I was within a hands reach. Fuck.
>It might as well be a thousand miles. Infinity passed
>before I closed the distance and took his face in my
>hands, the pressure I applied on his cheek turning his
>relaxed features toward me. Touching should ease us.
>
>It didnt. My fingers on his skin allowed me to feel
>the coldness, and that was all.
>
>This is not over between us Fallon. Do you hear
>me? No response.
>
>Frantic, I pushed against his shoulder, forcing him
>onto his back. His arms splayed, weightless. His
>whole body appeared boneless. Damn you Fallon. It
>will not end like this!
That's right, it bloody will NOT. Er, sorry. I'm not trying to write your story. *G*
>
>SorryHon
>
>I curled my body tight against his side, my head
>resting on his chest. His heart beat in languid
>pulses, fading in strength with each passing minute.
>I need you to stay with me.
>
>sotired.
>
>Closer. I had to be closer to him. I rose up and
>swung my leg over, straddling him. I was shocked how
>fragile he felt underneath me; I worried my weight was
>enough to crush him.
I like that. She's always thought of him as so strong, talked about his "unsurpassed strength," but that last line shows eloquently how weak he's become. Nicely done!
>
>In just those few non-existent moments I lay beside
>him, he had deteriorated. I reached out and traced
>the changes with my fingertips. The area under his
>eyes had a bruised look. His skin had a cadaverous
>pallor, and he lacked physical substance as if the
>weight of him was irrelevant. I could see the details
>of his rib cage. It was like I was witnessing his
>decomposition while he still lived. No, not like. I
>was.
>
>I knew better now what Darian meant about the world
>being less without Fallon. Already I could feel the
>loss of his magic, and I recognized how the absence of
>his power would affect everything he had touched.
>
>No more would he flash his teasing grin or arch an
>arrogant brow. No more would women blush at his
>outrageous yet evocatively innocent suggestions. No
>more would women fantasize and dream about sensations
>that would make them come alive. Alive? How could
>they be with him gone? How could I? Why would I want
>to?
Is that an -ly word I see there? LOL. Just kidding; sometimes they're necessary, aye?
>
>Tears blurred my vision. I leaned down, brushing my
>lips against Fallons and then smoothing my cheek over
>his. I breathed in his scent, the sickly odour
>broadcasting his pain. Without Fallon, sex wouldnt
>be a component of sexy. Women would just beless.
>All of us, everywhere, would subsist without desire.
>Alone and lonely for as long as we lived because we
>wouldnt have anything to look forward to, take pride
>in, or nurture.
>
>Men would be affected too. Without lust, there would
>be no emotion attached to the act. Sex would become
>just the physical release. No more could men and
>women make love, because.becauselove wouldnt exist
>either.
>
>Or it might survive. Darian was stronger than even
>Fallon had realized. But it was also obvious Darian
>was changing without Fallons power holding his in
>check. But Darian was incapable of saying no. What
>atrocities would be committed under the mockery love
>would become?
>
>My heart pounded in fear of what could be. Would be?
>Damn it! No! Darian? Darian! Answer me!
>
>I have sent Darian back to the place he was before
>you called him forth.
>
>Cadmus?
>
>Do you have yet another mate of whom I am
>unaware?
>
>You sent Darian back to his personal prison?
>Why?
>
>Cadmus materialized before us, standing by Fallons
>head. You now understand how much a danger he is to
>all of us, and yet you do not admit allowing him to
>live will endanger us all.
>
>I shifted so my hands were propped on the ground and
>my arms supported my weight. I still had to tilt my
>neck to look upwards at Cadmus. Keep up with the
>conversation. Fallons life is the one in danger.
Heh heh, "Keep up with the conversation." I love Heather!
>
>As is Darians. He smiled. If I wish it.
>
>Fallon took your powers.
>
>He nodded acknowledgement. But he is no longer
>strong enough to hold them.
>
>He will be. And then he will take them back.
>
>His life is like a floating leaf. Dependent on the
>fickleness of wind to carry it to safety.
>
>Are you saying I represent the wind?
>
>Cadmus laughed, changing the sand to a beautiful
>leaf-strewn oasis covered in royal red and gold carpet
>that crinkled under his feet. No. Im saying his
>life will end up being crushed beneath my boot.
>
>I wasnt ready to accept that Fallons fate was to
>fade away and changed the leaves back to the warm
>sand. I dont believe you.
>
>No? You are in an intimate position with lust itself
>and your heart pounds, not because of physical
>pleasure or exertion, but in apprehension of what you
>know will come to pass. You are naught but a toddler
>playing dolls in the sandbox.
>
>Then explain it to me.
>
>Cadmus squatted, and propped his forearm against his
>knee. His voice softened, a tone used to cajole an
>errant child to behave. All you are accomplishing
>with your disobedience is letting Fallon suffer. You
>need to let him go. Show him he has honour. Let his
>last sounds not be the misery of your weeping.
>
>No.
>
>Then I will make you.
Ha. Famous last words.
>
>Fallon stirred at Cadmuss threat; his fingers curled
>into a fist.
See?
>
>Easy Fallon. Its only Cadmus being what he is.
>Which is an arrogant prick. I placed my hand
>on Fallons chest, soothing him, as I glared at
>Cadmus. You dont possess enough power.
>
>The powerful Sentinel sighed and glanced down at
>Fallon with distaste. Why do you protect him?
>
>My fingers followed my gaze and traced over Fallons
>face. Because hes mine.
>
>Cadmus regarded me with narrowed-eye scrutiny.
>Perhaps he is Heather. His voice lowered. Perhaps
>he is. He stood, his knee cracking with the sudden
>movement.
Need a comma between "is" and "Heather," or it reads that Fallon is Heather. Oh, and the knee cracking? Hope it hurt. *G*
>
>Startled, I glanced up to see him smile.
>
>Dont look so surprised. I am, after all, older than
>I appear. And you think Im weak. The smile
>vanished and his face became stern. Heres the deal
>Heather. With my powers back, I can enforce my claim
>as your mate
>
>Again Fallon shifted, only this time he wouldnt be
>quieted with a touch and he managed to curl his arm up
>to grip my forearm in distress. No, honneyyou
>cant.
>
>Shhh.
>
>The smile reappeared on Cadmuss face. Fallon
>doesnt want you to accept me, does he?
>
>I dont want to accept you. And you dont want me
>either. Remember?
>
>Damn. Why would I have said that? He ran his
>fingers through his hair. Listen. Save your male.
>Get him on a leash, one he cant twist out of or you
>into, and do it quick. When I dont bring you back,
>another Sentinel, perhaps more, will be sent to do
>what I cannot. Will not. And you need to leave here.
> This place is known to us all.
>
>With those parting words he faded, and with the lack
>of his presence and distraction, Fallons physical
>anguish increased.
>
>I blinked, and Cadmus reappeared before me.
>
>Im not even your mate and youre driving me crazy.
>He reached out and grabbed the back of my neck,
>pulling me toward him. I cant remember why I want
>to resist, he whispered against my lips. So dont
>fail or were all at risk.
>
>His kiss held more passion than I thought he
>possessed. Dominant, yet soft, his lips tempted as
>they demanded, and in the process he accepted what I
>was willing to give. At that moment he merged into
>the two males I couldnt give up. He became the
>physical being offering safety and excitement as need
>required. I opened up to him, and when I did, he
>pulled away, resting his forehead against mine. He
>was breathing hard, and it took him a moment to lean
>back. When he did, I realized he had been holding
>Fallon down, restraining him.
>
>Whats life without a taste of temptation? But
>Heather? Life also needs a balance between love and
>lust. Collar both your males, and then, and only
>then, will I be able to help you get to the Senate of
>Peers. With those words Cadmus vanished.
>
>Stunned, I stared off into the distance,
>half-expecting Cadmus to appear before us yet again,
>spewing cryptic remarks, distracting me from my
>purpose. Then the sound of a deep breath being drawn
>in, and the thought of my weight hindering Fallon from
>taking in enough air, hurled me back into this
>reality. Fallons eyes were open, glaring in
>accusation, and his body was solid underneath me, no
>longer fragile, but still weak. The musk of his power
>hung in the air like an aphrodisiac. Just one taste
>would be all I needed.
>
>I reached out for it; I called forth my power and
>reached for him. I leaned down until I could feel his
>breath on my face. His eyes closed, as if he was
>unwilling to see me. I wouldnt allow it. My hand
>fisted his hair, pulling against the resistance.
>Open up to me.
>
>No.
>
>With the magic I possessed, I pulled more of his
>inside. Yes. The tone of my voice was a purr, an
>inducement, an enticement not to be ignored.
>
>I wont let you use my powers against me.
>
>Oh huh knee, you dont have a choice. Your power
>belongs to me. My mouth brushed against his, but
>he firmed his lips and refused to accept my desire.
>Fine. I pulled harder on his hair. I kissed his
>throat. I let my hands roam at will over the softness
>of his shirt, exploring the strength of his broad
>shoulders, the sculpted chest, the washboard
>abdominals, envisioning through touch what I couldnt
>see.
>
>He didnt hinder my progress, but he didnt encourage
>it either. From the position I was in, straddling his
>hips, I didnt have to envision the effect I was
>having on him. I could feel his erection straining
>against the confining material. His life was out of
>jeopardy while mine was taking a risky sojourn into
>his realm of fantasy.
>
>I shifted my weight to free the shirt I had trapped
>underneath my thighs; he moaned, arching back,
>pressing up, keeping the contact intimate.
>
>One button at the bottom of his white shirt was
>undone. I fumbled with the next one, my fingers
>brushing against his abs. He hissed between his
>teeth, his hips pressed tighter to mine. The
>restrained power set off a surge of adrenaline. No
>longer could I be gentle. I yanked his shirt open,
>snapping the buttons off to get to his skin, to feel
>the blast of heat.
>
>With a sudden burst of energy he rolled us; he grabbed
>my hands in one of his and held them above my head.
>Youre killing me Heather. He nuzzled my neck;
>he kissed my throat.
>
>Im trying to save you.
>
>His breath panted in my ear. Honey, dying was less
>painful. His tongue scorched a trail around the
>outside of my earlobe.
>
>At the last second I remembered Darians admonition
>that no part of Fallons body could be in mine. I
>twisted my head away. Dont you feel better?
>
>He chuckled, a deep, sensual laugh that curled my
>toes. You tell me. He released my hands, and
>guided one of them down my own body so I could feel my
>heart beat, and then he continued on to the bulge in
>his pants. He forced my palm open and placed it on
>his erection, tossing his head back and closing his
>eyes in ecstasy at the contact. How do I feel?
>
>
>I licked my lips, unable to speak even in my head.
>The heat I felt through the hindering material seemed
>to increase to the point I wondered how he wasnt
>burning up.
>
>Tell me Heather. Tell me how I feel.
>
>Better was the correct answer. Hot.
>
>Fallon smiled. Im feverish? Perhaps we
>shouldnt do this. He guided my hand to move in a
>strong, forceful motion up and back down. Once.
>Twice. Three times. Teasing me with what I would
>miss, and then the movement stopped. He was
>breathless; his jaw was clenched together. Tell
>me how I feel.
>
>Incredible. Amazing. Better then ever. Any of those
>would have been a suitable answer.
>
>Hard.
>
>At his encouragement, my hand pressed tighter, harder
>against him. His hips mimicked the action he refused
>to allow my hand to make. Tell me.
>
>Youre swelling beneath my hand. I swallowed, my
>throat dry. Your skin feels tight, like youre
>going to explode.
>
>Is that what you want Heather? Do you want me to
>come for you?
>
>No! You cant. I recognized Fallons withdrawal.
>Damn it. Its not like that.
>
>He released my hand. Then how is it? His lips
>curled up in cruel twist. Am I to pleasure you until
>you orgasm?
>
>No. You cant.
>
>I can do a lot of things, Hon. And making you scream
>in ecstasy is nothing for me. What Im having a
>problem with is trying to decipher the mixed signals
>youre sending. He shifted his weight off, leaned
>against the tree that materialized at his will and
>closed his eyes.
>
>His physical need was undiminished, but he no longer
>had use for me. His lashes fluttered, then as if it
>were a great effort, his eyes opened. He licked his
>lips. So youve done your good deed. Youve saved
>what should not have been saved. Go. My brother will
>take care of you.
Oh, those bossy men! Go, stay, come. Look how noble I am to "give" you to my brother. Grrrr.
Ahem. Can you tell I'm just the tiniest bit caught up in this story?
I take off my hat to you, Esther. This excerpt was much, much more visual with losing any of your voice. Although their world is so different, you provided enough description to let us see it while still maintaining that otherwordly feel. Super job!
Hugs,
Page
Oh, and I'm sorry I missed your call the other day. You managed to catch one of the few times I actually leave the house! *G*
Last edited by author: Sat April 03, 2010 11:27:38
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[> [> [>
Saturday night or Sunday morning with Fallon might be even better ;-) >>> -- Esther, 12:20:00 04/04/10 Sun
>I come up for air from working on my third - and
>last! - draft (over 7,000 words cut from 270 pages!
>Woo hoo!) and find Fallon here. I feel like a child
>who has received a gold star for good work! *G*
>>
Awwww!
7000 Words! Congrats! What's the word count you're looking for?
>>
>>
>>Excerpt from working title Mirrors
>>by E.M. Sawatzky 2010 All rights reserved.
>>Posted for critiquing purposes only and does not
>>constitute publication.
>>
>>
>>I crawled closer to where he lay. Curled on his side,
>>he appeared vulnerable and I had the urge to protect
>>him. Not wanting the jagged edges of the rocks to
>>slash his skin, I imagined sand, warmed by the sun and
>>contoured to his body. Rocks and pebbles crumbled,
>>hundreds of years of erosion taking effect because of
>>my will.
>
>I agree with Susie about the first and second
>sentences. When she changed the rocks to sand you
>showed Heather wanted to protect him. No need to tell
>us. (And can I just say...Fallon lying on warm sand?
>Yowza.)
Hmmmm. Definitely need to give this a workover. You see, she wanted to protect Fallon true, but simply warming the sand was to make him more comfortable. The protecting came before, when she took him home and away from Cadmus. *sigh*
>>
>>
>>Frantic, I pushed against his shoulder, forcing him
>>onto his back. His arms splayed, weightless. His
>>whole body appeared boneless. Damn you Fallon. It
>>will not end like this!
>
>That's right, it bloody will NOT. Er, sorry. I'm
>not trying to write your story. *G*
LOL Well, of course not. *G* But in all seriousness, it can't end like this. What kind of story would that be???
>>
>>SorryHon
>>
>>I curled my body tight against his side, my head
>>resting on his chest. His heart beat in languid
>>pulses, fading in strength with each passing minute.
>>I need you to stay with me.
>>
>>sotired.
>>
>>Closer. I had to be closer to him. I rose up and
>>swung my leg over, straddling him. I was shocked how
>>fragile he felt underneath me; I worried my weight was
>>enough to crush him.
>
>I like that. She's always thought of him as so
>strong, talked about his "unsurpassed strength," but
>that last line shows eloquently how weak he's become.
>Nicely done!
Thanxs!
>>
>>
>>No more would he flash his teasing grin or arch an
>>arrogant brow. No more would women blush at his
>>outrageous yet evocatively innocent suggestions. No
>>more would women fantasize and dream about sensations
>>that would make them come alive. Alive? How could
>>they be with him gone? How could I? Why would I want
>>to?
>
>Is that an -ly word I see there? LOL. Just
>kidding; sometimes they're necessary, aye?
LOL yup! That be an ly word. I do use them every once in a while, not because they are necessary per se, but because I just like how they sound. I'm a firm believer in moderation don't ya know. *G*
>>
>>
>>I shifted so my hands were propped on the ground and
>>my arms supported my weight. I still had to tilt my
>>neck to look upwards at Cadmus. Keep up with the
>>conversation. Fallons life is the one in danger.
>
>Heh heh, "Keep up with the conversation." I love
>Heather!
Funny how this was one of the bits I was going to cut out. But it is so Heather, and she does need her voice to cope with things...
>>
>>Cadmus squatted, and propped his forearm against his
>>knee. His voice softened, a tone used to cajole an
>>errant child to behave. All you are accomplishing
>>with your disobedience is letting Fallon suffer. You
>>need to let him go. Show him he has honour. Let his
>>last sounds not be the misery of your weeping.
>>
>>No.
>>
>>Then I will make you.
>
>Ha. Famous last words.
LOL
>>
>>Fallon stirred at Cadmuss threat; his fingers curled
>>into a fist.
>
>See?
LOL Yeah, I see how it is. *G*
>>
>>Easy Fallon. Its only Cadmus being what he is.
>>Which is an arrogant prick. I placed my hand
>>on Fallons chest, soothing him, as I glared at
>>Cadmus. You dont possess enough power.
>>
>>The powerful Sentinel sighed and glanced down at
>>Fallon with distaste. Why do you protect him?
>>
>>My fingers followed my gaze and traced over Fallons
>>face. Because hes mine.
>>
>>Cadmus regarded me with narrowed-eye scrutiny.
>>Perhaps he is Heather. His voice lowered. Perhaps
>>he is. He stood, his knee cracking with the sudden
>>movement.
>
>Need a comma between "is" and "Heather," or it
>reads that Fallon is Heather. Oh, and the knee
>cracking? Hope it hurt. *G*
You are SO right! I've fixed it! Thanks!
Oh and the knee cracking doesn't hurt. Mine do this all the time, it's just loud and annoying. *G* But a good way to incorporate sound into a soundless piece...I think...*G*
>>
>>Startled, I glanced up to see him smile.
>>
>>His physical need was undiminished, but he no longer
>>had use for me. His lashes fluttered, then as if it
>>were a great effort, his eyes opened. He licked his
>>lips. So youve done your good deed. Youve saved
>>what should not have been saved. Go. My brother will
>>take care of you.
>
>Oh, those bossy men! Go, stay, come. Look how
>noble I am to "give" you to my brother. Grrrr.
LOL Yeah...well...have you noticed he's always the first one to come to her rescue???
>
>Ahem. Can you tell I'm just the tiniest bit caught up
>in this story?
Hmmmm...I don't know...Cadmus didn't seem to get any reaction from you at all when he infringed on Fallon's mate...LOL
Perhaps I should have posted this bit as well...
You have not earned your peace. I gripped his jaw, pressing hard, turning his face back towards me at the same time the relaxing atmosphere disappeared to be replaced with the chamber Fallon had grown up in. After the soothing roar of the waterfall the oppressed silence in this chamber had my ears imagining screams of those who had been tortured. I had taken him back to his childhood nightmare, and now used his memories against him. Designed for such a purpose as I had in mind, the table he lay on had hooks in strategic placements. I stepped back and used them to restrain him with a thought. I am not satisfied.
Fallon tested the shackles chaining him to the table; the muscles in his arms flexed and contracted. Anger glared out at me from behind his eyes. This is not your fantasy Heather. Without effort he broke free, the hooks breaking off and clattering on the floor.
How would you know? Another thought replaced the rusty manacles with stronger steel bindings. Youre too full of self-pity to notice what I need. By my will, his legs were chained as well. Spread-eagled and shackled before me, he looked comfortable. His scent had changed. I recognized the musk of arousal, the magic signifying the excitement and trepidation.
Fallon smiled, his lips curling into a mocking grin. You need what every woman needs.
Oh? Whats that? Phantom hands and oh so skilful fingers eased off my shoes and caressed my ankles, replacing the clothing I wore. As his gaze held me in rapture he was weaving skin tight black leather strips up my calves, to my thighs and up between my legs. Thinner strips wrapped themselves around my sensitive pubic area creating a crotch-less thong that bared all.
Fallon smiled. You dont want to play the game with me Heather.
You so sure? I swallowed, cursing the quiver I heard in my voice.
His smile widened. Yeah.
His hands continued upward, past my stomach, stopping for a brief moment at my breasts. Now covered in strips of leather that kept my nipples free, the caress of his fingers continued on, and went up over my shoulders, down my arms. Before I could react to his intent, he used the material to bind my hands behind my back like a reverse straight jacket. The tension in my arms was uncomfortable. And painful.
Then, in one lithe movement, Fallon sat up as if my restraints werent there. There was no flexing of muscles and no strain to free himself. It was as if the metal faded into his skin.
Tsk. Tsk. He shook his head in mockery. You have to mean what you want Heather. The iron around his ankles disappeared.
I struggled to escape but the more I squirmed, the tighter the binds. The leather straps around my shoulders dug into my skin. Granny underwear held a sudden pain-free appeal. I thought of being free, of wearing my comfortable sweater and sweatpants.
Nothing happened.
Fallon chuckled as he jumped off the table. Here are my rules.
>
>I take off my hat to you, Esther. This excerpt was
>much, much more visual with losing any of your
>voice. Although their world is so different, you
>provided enough description to let us see it while
>still maintaining that otherwordly feel. Super job!
Whoo hoo! Thanks Page!
Hugs back
Esther
>
>Oh, and I'm sorry I missed your call the other day.
>You managed to catch one of the few times I actually
>leave the house! *G*
No worries. I'll put what I wanted to say in an email when I get the time to sit down and actually coherently focus my thoughts.
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[> [>
Oh for Pete's sake. It posted twice. *sigh* Ignore this one. -- Page, 11:25:06 04/03/10 Sat
Last edited by author: Sat April 03, 2010 11:25:59
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