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Date Posted: 18:50:34 03/31/10 Wed
Author: susiej
Subject: Re: This way please >>>
In reply to:
Esther
's message, "This way please >>>" on 21:55:11 03/29/10 Mon
>A bit of setup—Darian has just provided Heather with a
>bit of history regarding his and Fallon’s existence,
>and he has also made it clear that he expects Heather
>to save his brother and get him to the Senate of Peers
>to be judged. To that end, he has provided the ground
>rules that Heather can’t break or she won’t succeed.
>Cadmus is still tying to thwart any plans that Heather
>might have, but she has broken free of his grasp and
>has taken Fallon to his home to either gather his
>strength or die.
>
>
>
>Excerpt from working title ‘Mirrors’
>by E.M. Sawatzky © 2010 All rights reserved.
>Posted for critiquing purposes only and does not
>constitute publication.
I had a difficult time finding time to get to this. My son was home sick from school and tends to read over my shoulder! But, I have read it and you're right, there does seem to be some telling when you are adding in the details.
>
>
>I crawled closer to where he lay. Curled on his side,
>he appeared vulnerable and I had the urge to protect
>him. Not wanting the jagged edges of the rocks to
>slash his skin, I imagined sand, warmed by the sun and
>contoured to his body. Rocks and pebbles crumbled,
>hundreds of years of erosion taking effect because of
>my will.
I think it would read better as:
I crawled closer to where he lay curled on his side.
(next line is telling) I imagined sand, warmed by the sun and contoured to his body and the jagged rocks he lay on crumbled, hundreds of years.....
I really loved that last image/thought by the way!
>
>Heather, you’re…not…safe here. His large frame
>was racked with pain, yet there was no indication he
>suffered. Think of…Darian and…he will…come…for
>you.
His large frame sounds so analytical- especially coming before racked with pain. I'd just say body or even his beautiful body
>
>Despite his unsurpassed strength, his magic faded. His
>presence lessened. He lost his physical dominance. how exactly? the grace and quickness with which he always moved was gone? the luster of his eyes?-show me!
>His eyes closed.
>
>Acceptance. That’s what I felt. Damn it! I was
>losing him. So close, yet so far. He was slipping
>away from me when I was within a hands reach. Fuck.
>It might as well be a thousand miles. Infinity passed
>before I closed the distance and took his face in my
>hands, the pressure I applied on his cheek turning his
>relaxed features toward me. Touching should ease us.
>
>It didn’t. My fingers on his skin allowed me to feel
>the coldness, and that was all.
>
>“This is not over between us Fallon.” Do you hear
>me? No response.
>
>Frantic, I pushed against his shoulder, forcing him
>onto his back. His arms splayed, weightless. this is good! His whole body appeared boneless. that was good! Damn you Fallon. It
>will not end like this!
>
>…Sorry…Hon…
>
>I curled my body tight against his side, my head
>resting on his chest. His heart beat in languid
>pulses, fading in strength with each passing minute. yea- see, you've got it now.
>“I need you to stay with me.”
>
>…so…tired.
>
>Closer. I had to be closer to him. I rose up and
>swung my leg over, straddling him. I was shocked how
>fragile he felt underneath me; I worried my weight was
>enough to crush him.
>
>In just those few non-existent moments I lay beside
>him, he had deteriorated. I reached out and traced
>the changes with my fingertips. The area under his
>eyes had a bruised look. how about: The skin beneath his eyes looked bruised, his pallor like a corpse. The other seemed wordy and formal for such a sad thought. His pallor was corpselike His skin had a cadaverous
>pallor, and he lacked physical substance as if the
>weight of him was irrelevant. I could see the details
>of his rib cage. It was like I was witnessing his
>decomposition while he still lived. No, not like. I
>was.
>
>I knew better now what Darian meant about the world
>being less without Fallon. Already I could feel the
>loss of his magic, and I recognized how the absence of
>his power would affect everything he had touched.
>
>No more would he flash his teasing grin or arch an
>arrogant brow. No more would women blush at his
>outrageous yet evocatively innocent suggestions. No
>more would women fantasize and dream about sensations
>that would make them come alive. Alive? How could
>they be with him gone? How could I? Why would I want
>to?
>
>Tears blurred my vision. I leaned down, brushing my
>lips against Fallon’s and then smoothing my cheek over
>his. I breathed in his scent, the sickly odour
>broadcasting his pain. Without Fallon, sex wouldn’t
>be a component of sexy. Women would just be…less.
>All of us, everywhere, would subsist without desire.
>Alone and lonely for as long as we lived because we
>wouldn’t have anything to look forward to, take pride
>in, or nurture.
>
>Men would be affected too. Without lust, there would
>be no emotion attached to the act. Sex would become
>just the physical release. No more could men and
>women make love, because….because…love wouldn’t exist
>either.
>
>Or it might survive. Darian was stronger than even
>Fallon had realized. But it was also obvious Darian
>was changing without Fallon’s power holding his in
>check. But Darian was incapable of saying no. What
>atrocities would be committed under the mockery love
>would become?
>
>My heart pounded in fear of what could be. Would be?
>Damn it! No! Darian? Darian! Answer me!
>
>I have sent Darian back to the place he was before
>you called him forth.
>
>Cadmus?
>
>Do you have yet another mate of whom I am
>unaware?
>
>You sent Darian back to his personal prison?
>Why?
>
>Cadmus materialized before us, standing by Fallon’s
>head. “You now understand how much a danger he is to
>all of us, and yet you do not admit allowing him to
>live will endanger us all.”
>
>I shifted so my hands were propped on the ground and
>my arms supported my weight. I still had to tilt my
>neck to look upwards at Cadmus. “Keep up with the
>conversation. Fallon’s life is the one in danger.”
>
>“As is Darian’s.” He smiled. “If I wish it.”
>
>“Fallon took your powers.”
>
>He nodded acknowledgement. “But he is no longer
>strong enough to hold them.”
>
>“He will be. And then he will take them back.”
>
>“His life is like a floating leaf. Dependent on the
>fickleness of wind to carry it to safety.”
>
>“Are you saying I represent the wind?”
>
>Cadmus laughed, changing the sand to a beautiful
>leaf-strewn oasis covered in royal red and gold carpet
>that crinkled under his feet. “No. I’m saying his
>life will end up being crushed beneath my boot.”
>
>I wasn’t ready to accept that Fallon’s fate was to
>fade away and changed the leaves back to the warm
>sand. “I don’t believe you.”
>
>“No? You are in an intimate position with lust itself
>and your heart pounds, not because of physical
>pleasure or exertion, but in apprehension of what you
>know will come to pass. You are naught but a toddler
>playing dolls in the sandbox.”
>
>“Then explain it to me.”
>
>Cadmus squatted, and propped his forearm against his
>knee. His voice softened, a tone used to cajole an
>errant child to behave. “All you are accomplishing
>with your disobedience is letting Fallon suffer. You
>need to let him go. Show him he has honour. Let his
>last sounds not be the misery of your weeping.”
>
>“No.”
>
>“Then I will make you.”
>
>Fallon stirred at Cadmus’s threat; his fingers curled
>into a fist.
>
>“Easy Fallon. It’s only Cadmus being what he is.”
>Which is an arrogant prick. I placed my hand
>on Fallon’s chest, soothing him, as I glared at
>Cadmus. “You don’t possess enough power.”
>
>The powerful Sentinel sighed and glanced down at
>Fallon with distaste. “Why do you protect him?”
>
>My fingers followed my gaze and traced over Fallon’s
>face. “Because he’s mine.”
>
>Cadmus regarded me with narrowed-eye scrutiny.
>“Perhaps he is Heather.” His voice lowered. “Perhaps
>he is.” He stood, his knee cracking with the sudden
>movement.
>
>Startled, I glanced up to see him smile.
>
>“Don’t look so surprised. I am, after all, older than
>I appear.” And you think I’m weak. The smile
>vanished and his face became stern. “Here’s the deal
>Heather. With my powers back, I can enforce my claim
>as your mate—”
>
>Again Fallon shifted, only this time he wouldn’t be
>quieted with a touch and he managed to curl his arm up
>to grip my forearm in distress. No, hon…ney…you
>can’t.
>
>“Shhh.”
>
>The smile reappeared on Cadmus’s face. “Fallon
>doesn’t want you to accept me, does he?”
>
>“I don’t want to accept you. And you don’t want me
>either. Remember?”
>
>“Damn. Why would I have said that?” He ran his
>fingers through his hair. “Listen. Save your male.
>Get him on a leash, one he can’t twist out of or you
>into, and do it quick. When I don’t bring you back,
>another Sentinel, perhaps more, will be sent to do
>what I cannot. Will not. And you need to leave here.
> This place is known to us all.”
>
>With those parting words he faded, and with the lack
>of his presence and distraction, Fallon’s physical
>anguish increased.
>
>I blinked, and Cadmus reappeared before me.
>
>“I’m not even your mate and you’re driving me crazy.”
>He reached out and grabbed the back of my neck, cut reached out-go straight to grabbed- more powerful. You use reach out at least 3 times in this passage- make sure you need it- when there is distance enough for it to be needed or its symbolic.
>pulling me toward him. “I can’t remember why I want
>to resist,” he whispered against my lips. “So don’t
>fail or we’re all at risk.”
>
>His kiss held more passion than I thought he
>possessed. Dominant, yet soft, his lips tempted as
>they demanded, and in the process he accepted what I
>was willing to give. At that moment he merged into
>the two males I couldn’t give up. He became the
>physical being offering safety and excitement as need
>required. I opened up to him, and when I did, he
>pulled away, resting his forehead against mine. He
>was breathing hard, and it took him a moment to lean
>back. this may be personal, but I think short snappy sentences would have more impact for this breathless bit. He was breathing hard. It took him... When he did, I realized he had been holding
>Fallon down, restraining him.
>
>“What’s life without a taste of temptation?” But
>Heather? Life also needs a balance between love and
>lust. Collar both your males, and then, and only
>then, will I be able to help you get to the Senate of
>Peers. With those words Cadmus vanished.
>
>Stunned, I stared off into the distance, cut out off
>half-expecting Cadmus to appear before us yet again,
>spewing cryptic remarks, distracting me from my
>purpose. Then the sound of a deep breath being drawn
>in, and the thought of my weight hindering Fallon from
>taking in enough air, hurled me back into this
>reality. Fallon’s eyes were open, glaring in
>accusation, and his body was solid underneath me, no
>longer fragile, but still weak. The musk of his power
>hung in the air like an aphrodisiac. Just one taste
>would be all I needed.
>
>I reached out for it; I called forth my power and
>reached for him. I leaned down until I could feel his
>breath on my face. His eyes closed, as if he was
>unwilling to see me. I wouldn’t allow it. My hand
>fisted his hair, pulling against the resistance.
>“Open up to me.”
>
>No.
>
>With the magic I possessed, I pulled more of his
>inside. “Yes.” The tone of my voice was a purr, an
>inducement, an enticement not to be ignored.
>
>I won’t let you use my powers against me.
>
>“Oh huh knee, you don’t have a choice.” Your power
>belongs to me. My mouth brushed against his, but
>he firmed his lips and refused to accept my desire.
>Fine. I pulled harder on his hair. I kissed his
>throat. I let my hands roam at will over the softness
>of his shirt, exploring the strength of his broad
>shoulders, the sculpted chest, the washboard
>abdominals, envisioning through touch what I couldn’t
>see.
>
>He didn’t hinder my progress, but he didn’t encourage
>it either. From the position I was in, straddling his
>hips, I didn’t have to envision the effect I was
>having on him. I could feel his erection straining
>against the confining material. His life was out of
>jeopardy while mine was taking a risky sojourn into
>his realm of fantasy.
>
>I shifted my weight to free the shirt I had trapped
>underneath my thighs; he moaned, arching back,
>pressing up, keeping the contact intimate.
>
>One button at the bottom of his white shirt was
>undone. now, that's too much info- top or bottom of shirt doesn't matter- just get that damn thing off! *g* I fumbled with the next one, my fingers
>brushing against his abs. He hissed between his
>teeth, his hips pressed tighter to mine. The
>restrained power set off a surge of adrenaline. No
>longer could I be gentle. I yanked his shirt open,
>snapping the buttons off to get to his skin, to feel
>the blast of heat.
>
>With a sudden burst of energy he rolled us; he grabbed
>my hands in one of his and held them above my head.
>You’re killing me Heather. He nuzzled my neck;
>he kissed my throat.
>
>I’m trying to save you.
>
>His breath panted in my ear. He panted in my ear. Breath can't pant by itself, I don't think. Honey, dying was less
>painful. His tongue scorched a trail around the
>outside of my earlobe. good!
>
>At the last second I remembered Darian’s admonition
>that no part of Fallon’s body could be in mine.
I put a period after admonition. No part of... make that sentence stand alone and stronger. Get rid of the boring that. I
>twisted my head away. Don’t you feel better?
>
>He chuckled, a deep, sensual laugh that curled my
>toes. “You tell me.” He released my hands, and
>guided one of them down my own body so I could feel my
>heart beat, and then he continued on to the bulge in
>his pants. He forced my palm open and placed it on
>his erection, tossing his head back and closing his
>eyes in ecstasy at the contact. How do I feel?
>
>
>I licked my lips, unable to speak even in my head.
>The heat I felt through the hindering material seemed
>to increase to the point I wondered how he wasn’t
>burning up.
>
>“Tell me Heather.” Tell me how I feel.
>
>Better was the correct answer. “Hot.”
>
>Fallon smiled. “I’m feverish?” Perhaps we
>shouldn’t do this. He guided my hand to move in a
>strong, forceful motion up and back down. Once.
>Twice. Three times. Teasing me with what I would
>miss, and then the movement stopped. He was
>breathless; his jaw was clenched together. Tell
>me how I feel.
>
>Incredible. Amazing. Better then ever. Any of those
>would have been a suitable answer.
>
>“Hard.”
>
>At his encouragement, my hand pressed tighter, harder
>against him. His hips mimicked the action he refused
>to allow my hand to make. Tell me.
>
>“You’re swelling beneath my hand.” I swallowed, my
>throat dry. Your skin feels tight, like you’re
>going to explode.
>
>“Is that what you want Heather? Do you want me to
>come for you?”
>
>“No! You can’t.” I recognized Fallon’s withdrawal.
>“Damn it. It’s not like that.”
>
>He released my hand. “Then how is it?” His lips
>curled up in cruel twist. “Am I to pleasure you until
>you orgasm?”
>
>“No. You can’t.”
>
>“I can do a lot of things, Hon. And making you scream
>in ecstasy is nothing for me. What I’m having a
>problem with is trying to decipher the mixed signals
>you’re sending.” He shifted his weight off, leaned
>against the tree that materialized at his will and
>closed his eyes.
>
>His physical need was undiminished, but he no longer
>had use for me. His lashes fluttered, then as if it
>were a great effort, His lashes flutterd. With a great effort his eyes opened. He licked his
>lips. “So you’ve done your good deed. You’ve saved
>what should not have been saved. Go. My brother will
>take care of you.”
Hope this helped. A great, tension filled scene but it needs some tightening, more immediacy to keep up the tension. And BTW, if Heather can't have both, can I have one?
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I like this very much! -- Debi, 11:08:02 04/03/10 Sat
Maybe it's just how visual I am, it's the way I learn best, but putting some action in with the dialogue has helped clear it up for me and makes it easier for me to follow. The tension was very real and the emotion was clear. Cadmus is even starting to grow on me some, he's not just a black or white character, he's getting some shades of grey that intrigue me. Excellent! (and I'm in line for one of these guys if Heather lets one go. I'm just saying...)
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[> [> [> [>
Thanxs Debi! >>> -- Esther, 11:29:28 04/04/10 Sun
>Maybe it's just how visual I am, it's the way I learn
>best, but putting some action in with the dialogue has
>helped clear it up for me and makes it easier for me
>to follow.
Hmmmm You know you have me worried with this right? I mean, that's what I thought I was doing all along! Er...or tried to anyway... *G*
The tension was very real and the emotion
>was clear.
Cool!
Cadmus is even starting to grow on me some,
>he's not just a black or white character, he's getting
>some shades of grey that intrigue me. Excellent! (and
Whoo hoo! Yes! I had hoped Cadmus was on his way to being a more three dimensional character. He certainly goes head to head with me more often than I'd like *G*
>I'm in line for one of these guys if Heather lets one
>go. I'm just saying...)
LOL K, I'll add you to the list, but I'm still trying to figure out your preference *G*
Hugs
Esther
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[> [> [>
Thanks Susie! >>> -- Esther, 20:17:35 04/03/10 Sat
>>A bit of setup—Darian has just provided Heather with a
>>bit of history regarding his and Fallon’s existence,
>>and he has also made it clear that he expects Heather
>>to save his brother and get him to the Senate of Peers
>>to be judged. To that end, he has provided the ground
>>rules that Heather can’t break or she won’t succeed.
>>Cadmus is still tying to thwart any plans that Heather
>>might have, but she has broken free of his grasp and
>>has taken Fallon to his home to either gather his
>>strength or die.
>>
>>
>>
>>Excerpt from working title ‘Mirrors’
>>by E.M. Sawatzky © 2010 All rights reserved.
>>Posted for critiquing purposes only and does not
>>constitute publication.
>
> I had a difficult time finding time to get to
>this. My son was home sick from school and tends to
>read over my shoulder! But, I have read it and you're
>right, there does seem to be some telling when you are
>adding in the details.
>>
>>
>>I crawled closer to where he lay. Curled on his side,
>>he appeared vulnerable and I had the urge to protect
>>him. Not wanting the jagged edges of the rocks to
>>slash his skin, I imagined sand, warmed by the sun and
>>contoured to his body. Rocks and pebbles crumbled,
>>hundreds of years of erosion taking effect because of
>>my will.
>
> I think it would read better as:
>I crawled closer to where he lay curled on his side.
>(next line is telling) I imagined sand, warmed by the
>sun and contoured to his body and the jagged rocks he
>lay on crumbled, hundreds of years.....
>
>I really loved that last image/thought by the way!
>
Thanks! I'll have to give this one some thought
>>
>>Heather, you’re…not…safe here. His large frame
>>was racked with pain, yet there was no indication he
>>suffered. Think of…Darian and…he will…come…for
>>you.
>
> His large frame sounds so analytical- especially
>coming before racked with pain. I'd just say body or
>even his beautiful body
K!
>>
>>Despite his unsurpassed strength, his magic faded. His
>>presence lessened. He lost his physical dominance.
>how exactly? the grace and quickness with which he
>always moved was gone? the luster of his eyes?-show
>me!
Hmmmm. His magic is what was fading, and it's that magic that is intangible that makes his physical presence so much more. How's that for using that? *G* Seriously...he's just been lying there prone for quite a bit so I can't think of anyway to show what isn't there. I'll ponder it some.
>>
>>Frantic, I pushed against his shoulder, forcing him
>>onto his back. His arms splayed, weightless.
>this is good! His whole body appeared boneless.
> that was good! Damn you Fallon. It
>>will not end like this!
Thanks!
>>
>>…Sorry…Hon…
>>
>>I curled my body tight against his side, my head
>>resting on his chest. His heart beat in languid
>>pulses, fading in strength with each passing minute.
> yea- see, you've got it now.
>>“I need you to stay with me.”
K!
>>
>>In just those few non-existent moments I lay beside
>>him, he had deteriorated. I reached out and traced
>>the changes with my fingertips. The area under his
>>eyes had a bruised look. how about: The skin
>beneath his eyes looked bruised, his pallor like a
>corpse. The other seemed wordy and formal for such a
>sad thought.
Yeah, but then I have a looked in there that isn't the same as her seeing his face appeared bruised, but rather reads as if she's looking, which I was trying to avoid as unnecessary because it's Heather's POV and if she's seeing it, she doesn't have to look. I'll try and clarify it tho!
>>“I’m not even your mate and you’re driving me crazy.”
>>He reached out and grabbed the back of my neck,
>cut reached out-go straight to grabbed- more powerful.
>You use reach out at least 3 times in this passage-
>make sure you need it- when there is distance enough
>for it to be needed or its symbolic.
K, I'll so a search and see what I come up with *G*
>>pulling me toward him. “I can’t remember why I want
>>to resist,” he whispered against my lips. “So don’t
>>fail or we’re all at risk.”
>>
>>His kiss held more passion than I thought he
>>possessed. Dominant, yet soft, his lips tempted as
>>they demanded, and in the process he accepted what I
>>was willing to give. At that moment he merged into
>>the two males I couldn’t give up. He became the
>>physical being offering safety and excitement as need
>>required. I opened up to him, and when I did, he
>>pulled away, resting his forehead against mine. He
>>was breathing hard, and it took him a moment to lean
>>back. this may be personal, but I think short
>snappy sentences would have more impact for this
>breathless bit. He was breathing hard. It took him...
> When he did, I realized he had been holding
>>Fallon down, restraining him.
Well, I agree that shorter sentences have more impact, but my intent here isn't to highlight Cadmus's breathlessness, but to hint that Fallon's 'acceptence' will affect Cadmus as well as Darian. Hmmmm maybe I'll just put a ; in and it'll all be good. *G*
>>
>>Stunned, I stared off into the distance, cut out
>off
K!
>>I shifted my weight to free the shirt I had trapped
>>underneath my thighs; he moaned, arching back,
>>pressing up, keeping the contact intimate.
>>
>>One button at the bottom of his white shirt was
>>undone. now, that's too much info- top or bottom
>of shirt doesn't matter- just get that damn thing off!
>*g*
LOL Well, I disagree. *G* I think it's easier to rip the bottom upwards as opposed to grabbing the top and pulling out. *G* And besides she started tracing his body from the shoulders down, so why would she go back up to the top and work her way down again as the fastest way to bare all would be to go back up and then it's a simple matter to ease it off his shoulders. ;-) Oh! And you were suppost to have the image of his abs being reavealed one button at a time. *G* I might need to expand on this...
>>His breath panted in my ear. He panted in my ear.
>Breath can't pant by itself, I don't think.
Hmmmm. He panted in my ear sounds like he's a dog slobbering all over her, at least IMHO *G* So...I'll have to think about this and see what I can do.
>>At the last second I remembered Darian’s admonition
>>that no part of Fallon’s body could be in mine.
> I put a period after admonition. No part of...
>make that sentence stand alone and stronger. Get rid
>of the boring that.
Now this I can do!
>>His physical need was undiminished, but he no longer
>>had use for me. His lashes fluttered, then as if it
>>were a great effort, His lashes flutterd. With a
>great effort his eyes opened.
I think this strays into POV issues. Heather can visibly see that his need was undiminished, but she can't know that it took him great effort to open his eyes. Sure they might have fluttered but then she's making an assumption as if they were hard to open.
He licked his
>>lips. “So you’ve done your good deed. You’ve saved
>>what should not have been saved. Go. My brother will
>>take care of you.”
>
> Hope this helped. A great, tension filled scene
>but it needs some tightening, more immediacy to keep
>up the tension. And BTW, if Heather can't have both,
>can I have one?
Of course it helped! Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. Much appreciated! Oh and I'll add your name to the list. ;-)
Hugs
Esther
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