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Date Posted: 11:37:00 04/04/10 Sun
Author: 
debikm
Subject: Don't ever try to rid yourself of an earworm by posting it as a homework suggestion, I'm just saying.
In reply to:
Debi
's message, "Spring has sprung!" on 11:02:51 04/03/10 Sat
Consequently, I went with the first option, despite my best efforts. Neither of my couples went for the Peter Gabriel thing. But a man in a yellow motocycle suit... that has possibilities.
*****************
Excerpt from Downtown Babylon, copyright 2009-2010 by Debi Matlack, all rights reserved. Posted for sharing and critique purposes only, does not constitute publication.
This little scene could actually fit anywhere in DB, but I added some details to place it beyond the last part I've written for Molly and Gil. It's quick and rough and could use some more stuff maybe, but there it is. Happy Easter everybody!
***
Sunday morning newspaper spread out in front of her, Molly sprawled across a barstool, a cup of coffee in her hand. Gil had vanished early that morning on some mysterious errand. Molly couldn’t fathom what drove him out of bed so early on Easter morning, especially after the busy night they’d had. It meant that she and Declan were on their own for now, though Gil had promised to return and take her out for breakfast. But the day was wearing on and her belly wasn’t going to remain patient for much longer. With a sigh, she got off the barstool and padded back to her office for a pair of scissors to clip the coupons from the advertising section of the paper.
Halfway back to her perch at the bar, the buzzer for the back door sounded, startling her. Who the hell…? They weren’t open on Sundays, let alone taking deliveries. Turning back to the door, she whistled for the dog, then ducked into the office once more for the baseball bat. She had no desire to repeat the ordeal she been through. After the break-in, she’d remained cautious about being alone in the bar and answering the back door. At least now there was an actual electronic security system, not just her bat and Declan’s teeth.
Peering through the glass panes of the back door, she saw a mysterious figure. It wore a canary colored coverall and matching motorcycle helmet. What the..? As the figure reached for the buzzer again, she saw the wings painted on the side of the helmet, like a psychedelic Thor. It leaned in to peek through the glass, pushing up the visor on the full face helmet and Molly recognized the blue-grey eyes. Dropping the bat down to parade rest, she used her other hand to unlock the door but didn’t move aside. Gil just stood there and let her indulge in further scrutiny.
Biting her lips to contain her smile, she shook her head. “You look like a demented, butch Tweety Bird.”
A snort escaped him. “Well, at least I’m butch.”
“Wouldn’t a bunny costume be more appropriate to the day?”
“Maybe, but it’s a little hard to see to drive the bike when your head keeps coming off. The wind just grabs those ears and turns the whole thing sideways.”
Declan pushed past her, head up and eyes alert. He recognized the voice but was having trouble reconciling the figure before him with the man he knew. Gil reached his hand out and Declan let out a huge “WOOF!”, making Gil snatch him hand back in alarm.
Molly chuckled. “It’s okay, Goofus, it’s just Daddy being silly.” Declan remained stiff until Gil tugged the helmet of, then the big dog relaxed, wagging his shaggy tail and going back inside to flop in a patch of sunlight.
“So, will this get me off the hook?”
Molly returned her attention to the yellow apparition. “For what?”
“For wha—You mean you’ve already forgotten?”
Nonplused, Molly shrugged. “Apparently.”
Gil shook his head with an exasperated snort. “I’m never betting you anything ever again.”
Now she remembered and a slow smile spread over her face. “Oh yeah.., I’d forgotten about that.”
Gil nodded. “Who knew you could still dance en pointe and carry a tray full of beer?”
“In sneakers, too, don’t forget.”
“How could I?”
“But you implied you’d paint yourself yellow.”
“It was the best I could come up with and not get arrested.”
Struck again by his ridiculous appearance, she giggled. “Did anyone see you?”
“Not many, except Jeff at the shop. It was kinda early.”
She took in the bright suit and raised her brows in speculation, taking a step closer and running her hands over his chest. “Is it leather?”
“Yep.”
“I had intended for you to show off in front of a crowded bar.” She found the pull for the zipper and tugged it down to his waist, slipping her hand inside. “But I don’t think I want to share now.” His chest was warm and moist with perspiration, but he sighed as her fingers trailed over his skin, then glanced down the alley.
“I’m as much a fan of adventure as the next guy, but do you think we could go inside?”
Her smile was wicked as she slipped her hand past his waist under the leather and took a firm grasp of the growing situation.
“C’mon Tweety.”
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Re: Don't ever try to rid yourself of an earworm by posting it as a homework suggestion, I'm just saying. -- Alex, 12:25:26 04/04/10 Sun
But...but...I thought she wanted breakfast. *ggg* The only thing that blipped at me is his wording about the bet. If she forgets what's owed, wouldn't he take advantage of that? I'm never making good on my bet again or...next time I'll just bring donuts. (Standard payment 'round these parts in lieu of fulfilling foolish bets, like running through the halls at work in just your underwear. (No one wants to see that.) Instead, the bet-ee shows up with a sheepish grin and three dozen donuts under his arm before the morning meeting, and all is forgiven. *s*) Aside from the betting thing I flew through this scene. Didn't read rough at all. Smooth, vivid, and interesting details threaded in, making the characters leap off the page. Put a grin on my face too. *g* Thanks for the treat!
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[> [> [>
Thanks Alex! -- debikm, 12:36:13 04/04/10 Sun
>But...but...I thought she wanted breakfast. *ggg* The
>only thing that blipped at me is his wording about the
>bet. If she forgets what's owed, wouldn't he take
>advantage of that? I'm never making good on my bet
>again or...next time I'll just bring donuts. (Standard
>payment 'round these parts in lieu of fulfilling
>foolish bets, like running through the halls at work
>in just your underwear. (No one wants to see
>that.) Instead, the bet-ee shows up with a sheepish
>grin and three dozen donuts under his arm before the
>morning meeting, and all is forgiven. *s*) Aside from
>the betting thing I flew through this scene. Didn't
>read rough at all. Smooth, vivid, and interesting
>details threaded in, making the characters leap off
>the page. Put a grin on my face too. *g* Thanks for
>the treat!
Thank you! The bet was a device to explain why he would show up in such a thing in the first place. Maybe I'll work the donuts thing in there somehow, just to make sure. I appreciate the comments, Happy Easter!
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[> [>
Earworms are fiendish little things, aren't they? >>> -- Page, 22:30:58 04/09/10 Fri
>Excerpt from Downtown Babylon, copyright
>2009-2010 by Debi Matlack, all rights reserved. Posted
>for sharing and critique purposes only, does not
>constitute publication.
>
>Sunday morning newspaper spread out in front of her,
>Molly sprawled across a barstool, a cup of coffee in
>her hand. Oh, I'm going to be picky off the bat. *G* But I just can't wrap my head around sprawling across a barstool. Slumped on, straddled, perched on - those are the images I associate with a stool. To me, sprawled is more in the line of a bed. Hm. Gil and a bed. Has possibilities...*G* JMHO. Gil had vanished early that morning on some
>mysterious errand. Molly couldn’t fathom what drove
>him out of bed so early on Easter morning, especially
>after the busy night they’d had. It meant that she and
>Declan were on their own for now, though Gil had
>promised to return and take her out for breakfast.
>But the day was wearing on and her belly wasn’t going
>to remain patient for much longer. With a sigh, she
>got off the barstool and padded back to her office for
>a pair of scissors to clip the coupons from the
>advertising section of the paper.
>
>Halfway back to her perch at the bar, the buzzer for
>the back door sounded, startling her. Who the
>hell…? They I'd suggest using the name of the bar here (I'm sorry I can't recall it) instead of an ambiguous "they." weren’t open on Sundays, let alone
>taking deliveries. Turning back to the door, she
>whistled for the dog, then ducked into the office once
>more for the baseball bat. She had no desire to repeat
>the ordeal she been through. After the break-in, she’d
>remained cautious about being alone in the bar and
>answering the back door. At least now there was an
>actual electronic security system, not just her bat
>and Declan’s teeth.
>
>Peering through the glass panes of the back door, she
>saw a mysterious figure. It wore a canary colored
>coverall and matching motorcycle helmet. What
>the..? As the figure reached for the buzzer again,
>she saw the wings painted on the side of the helmet,
>like a psychedelic Thor. It leaned in to peek through
>the glass, pushing up the visor on the full face
>helmet and Molly recognized the blue-grey eyes.
>Dropping the bat down don't need "down" to parade rest, she used her
>other hand to unlock the door Okay, you know I've just gone through revision hell, so I'm hyper-aware of unnecessary words. *G* Instead of all those words, how about "she unlocked the door." but didn’t move aside.
>Gil just stood there and let her indulge in further
>scrutiny.
>
>Biting her lips to contain her smile, she shook her
>head. “You look like a demented, butch Tweety Bird.”
Bwahahaha!
>A snort escaped him. “Well, at least I’m butch.”
>
>“Wouldn’t a bunny costume be more appropriate to the
>day?”
>
>“Maybe, but it’s a little hard to see to drive the
>bike when your head keeps coming off. The wind just
>grabs those ears and turns the whole thing sideways.”
>
>Declan pushed past her, head up and eyes alert. He
>recognized the voice but was having trouble
>reconciling the figure before him with the man he
>knew. Gil reached his hand out and Declan let out a
>huge “WOOF!”, making Gil snatch him hand back in
>alarm.
>
>Molly chuckled. “It’s okay, Goofus, it’s just Daddy
>being silly.” Declan remained stiff until Gil tugged
>the helmet of,off then the big dog relaxed, wagging his
>shaggy tail and going back inside to flop in a patch
>of sunlight.
>
>“So, will this get me off the hook?”
>
>Molly returned her attention to the yellow apparition.
>“For what?”
>
>“For wha—You mean you’ve already forgotten?”
>
>Nonplused,Nonplussed Molly shrugged. “Apparently.”
>
>Gil shook his head with an exasperated snort. “I’m
>never betting you anything ever again.”
>
>Now Don't need "now." It also changes the tense. she remembered and a slow smile spread over her
>face. “Oh yeah.., I’d forgotten about that.”
>
>Gil nodded. “Who knew you could still dance en
>pointe and carry a tray full of beer?”
>
>“In sneakers, too, don’t forget.”
>
>“How could I?”
>
>“But you implied you’d paint yourself yellow.”
>
>“It was the best I could come up with and not get
>arrested.”
>
>Struck again by his ridiculous appearance, she
>giggled. “Did anyone see you?”
>
>“Not many, except Jeff at the shop. It was kinda
>early.”
>
>She took in the bright suit and raised her brows in
>speculation, taking a step closer and running her
>hands over his chest. “Is it leather?”
>
>“Yep.”
>
>“I had intended for you to show off in front of a
>crowded bar.” She found the pull for the zipper and
>tugged it down to his waist, slipping her hand inside.
>“But I don’t think I want to share now.” His chest was
>warm and moist with perspiration, but he sighed as her
>fingers trailed over his skin, then glanced down the
>alley.
>
>“I’m as much a fan of adventure as the next guy, but
>do you think we could go inside?”
>
>Her smile was wicked as she slipped her hand past his
>waist under the leather and took a firm grasp of the
>growing situation.
>
>“C’mon Tweety.”
I so want to read more of this story! I'm already crazy about the main characters and intrigued by the not-so-main characters. You've another winner on your hands, my girl!
Hugs,
Page
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[> [> [>
Yes, they are, but the Tweety came to my rescue -- debikm, 10:22:36 04/10/10 Sat
>>Excerpt from Downtown Babylon, copyright
>>2009-2010 by Debi Matlack, all rights reserved. Posted
>>for sharing and critique purposes only, does not
>>constitute publication.
>>
>
>>Sunday morning newspaper spread out in front of her,
>>Molly sprawled across a barstool, a cup of coffee in
>>her hand. Oh, I'm going to be picky off the bat.
>*G* But I just can't wrap my head around sprawling
>across a barstool. Slumped on, straddled, perched on
>- those are the images I associate with a stool. To
>me, sprawled is more in the line of a bed. Hm. Gil
>and a bed. Has possibilities...*G* JMHO. LOL, Point taken. I could just see her, paper spread all over the bar, Molly barely conscious and draped over the stool and the paper. Maybe 'draped' is better...;-) Gil had
>vanished early that morning on some
>>mysterious errand. Molly couldn’t fathom what drove
>>him out of bed so early on Easter morning, especially
>>after the busy night they’d had. It meant that she and
>>Declan were on their own for now, though Gil had
>>promised to return and take her out for breakfast.
>>But the day was wearing on and her belly wasn’t going
>>to remain patient for much longer. With a sigh, she
>>got off the barstool and padded back to her office for
>>a pair of scissors to clip the coupons from the
>>advertising section of the paper.
>>
>>Halfway back to her perch at the bar, the buzzer for
>>the back door sounded, startling her. Who the
>>hell…? They I'd suggest using the name of the
>bar here (I'm sorry I can't recall it) instead of an
>ambiguous "they."So far, it's the Garage Bar, because I couldn't come up with anything any better, but I'll identify it better. Thanks! weren’t open on Sundays, let
>alone
>>taking deliveries. Turning back to the door, she
>>whistled for the dog, then ducked into the office once
>>more for the baseball bat. She had no desire to repeat
>>the ordeal she been through. After the break-in, she’d
>>remained cautious about being alone in the bar and
>>answering the back door. At least now there was an
>>actual electronic security system, not just her bat
>>and Declan’s teeth.
>>
>>Peering through the glass panes of the back door, she
>>saw a mysterious figure. It wore a canary colored
>>coverall and matching motorcycle helmet. What
>>the..? As the figure reached for the buzzer again,
>>she saw the wings painted on the side of the helmet,
>>like a psychedelic Thor. It leaned in to peek through
>>the glass, pushing up the visor on the full face
>>helmet and Molly recognized the blue-grey eyes.
>>Dropping the bat down don't need "down" to
>parade rest, she used her
>>other hand to unlock the door Okay, you know I've
>just gone through revision hell, so I'm hyper-aware of
>unnecessary words. *G* Instead of all those words,
>how about "she unlocked the door." Sounds good;-)but didn’t move
>aside.
>>Gil just stood there and let her indulge in further
>>scrutiny.
>>
>>Biting her lips to contain her smile, she shook her
>>head. “You look like a demented, butch Tweety Bird.”
>Bwahahaha!
>
>>A snort escaped him. “Well, at least I’m butch.”
>>
>>“Wouldn’t a bunny costume be more appropriate to the
>>day?”
>>
>>“Maybe, but it’s a little hard to see to drive the
>>bike when your head keeps coming off. The wind just
>>grabs those ears and turns the whole thing sideways.”
>>
>>Declan pushed past her, head up and eyes alert. He
>>recognized the voice but was having trouble
>>reconciling the figure before him with the man he
>>knew. Gil reached his hand out and Declan let out a
>>huge “WOOF!”, making Gil snatch his hand back in
>>alarm.
>>
>>Molly chuckled. “It’s okay, Goofus, it’s just Daddy
>>being silly.” Declan remained stiff until Gil tugged
>>the helmet of,off then the big dog relaxed,
>wagging his
>>shaggy tail and going back inside to flop in a patch
>>of sunlight.
>>
>>“So, will this get me off the hook?”
>>
>>Molly returned her attention to the yellow apparition.
>>“For what?”
>>
>>“For wha—You mean you’ve already forgotten?”
>>
>>Nonplused,Nonplussed Molly shrugged.
>“Apparently.”
>>
>>Gil shook his head with an exasperated snort. “I’m
>>never betting you anything ever again.”
>>
>>Now Don't need "now." It also changes the
>tense. she remembered and a slow smile spread over
>her
>>face. “Oh yeah.., I’d forgotten about that.”
>>
>>Gil nodded. “Who knew you could still dance en
>>pointe and carry a tray full of beer?”
>>
>>“In sneakers, too, don’t forget.”
>>
>>“How could I?”
>>
>>“But you implied you’d paint yourself yellow.”
>>
>>“It was the best I could come up with and not get
>>arrested.”
>>
>>Struck again by his ridiculous appearance, she
>>giggled. “Did anyone see you?”
>>
>>“Not many, except Jeff at the shop. It was kinda
>>early.”
>>
>>She took in the bright suit and raised her brows in
>>speculation, taking a step closer and running her
>>hands over his chest. “Is it leather?”
>>
>>“Yep.”
>>
>>“I had intended for you to show off in front of a
>>crowded bar.” She found the pull for the zipper and
>>tugged it down to his waist, slipping her hand inside.
>>“But I don’t think I want to share now.” His chest was
>>warm and moist with perspiration, but he sighed as her
>>fingers trailed over his skin, then glanced down the
>>alley.
>>
>>“I’m as much a fan of adventure as the next guy, but
>>do you think we could go inside?”
>>
>>Her smile was wicked as she slipped her hand past his
>>waist under the leather and took a firm grasp of the
>>growing situation.
>>
>>“C’mon Tweety.”
>
>I so want to read more of this story! I'm
>already crazy about the main characters and intrigued
>by the not-so-main characters. You've another winner
>on your hands, my girl!
>
>Hugs,
>Page
Thank you Page! I love these characters and I'm glad they're still tslking to me. I have a lot of work to do on Downtown Babylon. I have very little more than the original 50,000 words from NaNoWriMo. I can't wait to see what else they have to tell me.
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