Date Posted:15:36:57 02/25/10 Thu Author: Esther Subject: A very sweet excerpt. And I love the ending! Hope to see more soon! Hugs! In reply to:
dea
's message, "Option # 1" on 15:55:08 02/19/10 Fri
It is a challange because it reads really like a diary, and who would question the wording of someones deepest feelings. I love this storie of yours!
I'll give it a try:
>
>The Secret Diary of Victor Ruidh
>By Dea Vianna - 2010
>
>For critique purposes only; it does not constitute
>publication
>
>
>May-10
>
>Today we began a seven-day journey to the eastern
>shore. Mrs K was adamant about taking Aveline to the
>seaside at least for a few days; my friend insisted
>that the sea air was of the utmost importance to
>Aveline’s recovery. Thus their journey that was
>supposed to take a fortnight in the whole length had
>to be extended to accommodate Mrs K’s insistence. I guesse we would get the contens of the illness and the first travelplans in the whole context, right?
Not
>that I am complaining in any way. The more they stay,
>the longer I am allowed to enjoy their companionship,
>especially Aveline’s.
>
>The voyage consumed a whole morning, but our wee party
>was in good mood and in no hurry to arrive. The
>village of M___ is such a lovely place. The stone Here I would leave out the line behind the initial of the village, you don't use one behind the others that I have read so far, why here?
>harbour overlooking the greyish waters of the
>north-eastern sea, a few small cafés, seafood
>restaurants and cosy taverns along the beach. I was
>glad that the sun has not yet reached its aestival
>summit and the place was reasonably peaceful, not yet
>invaded by the crowds that, like us, crawl from their
>winter holes and hibernation caves hungry for the
>warmth. Ok, I thing you messed up the times in this sentence at some points. That makes it a bit hard to read especially with its lenght. 1. "the sun had not" 2. "would crawl from" or "crawled" depending on what you intention with the sentence was
I am very conscious of Aveline’s aversion to
>crowds, and I wanted her to enjoy her stay. Ok, I begin to see where that comes from, you try to write it all in present since these are the thoughts of the moment, but since he writes it down after the event, there needs to be past tense in there. The changes between need to be clearer
>
>We travelled light, so in less than one hour we were
>fully installed at our dwellings at a lovely Inn that
>stands up a soft hill, not far from the centre of the
>village, with a fabulous view of the sea, but away
>from the overall hubbub. Ok, that is a word I have never heared befor ;)
Mrs K alleged that she had a
>slight headache and decided to stay at the Inn. We
>shared a cup of tea with her at the small tea room,
>but again she insisted that Aveline and I took a
>stroll around the beach – the sea air! she kept
>saying, as she practically banned us both from her
>sight!
>
>So off we went, and, aye, I was alone with Aveline for
>the first time, at last! It was fairly cold with Mrs
>K’s so very much praised sea air, the grey sky that
>menaced to turn black near the line of the horizon,
>but not in less than two or three hours, time enough
>to go and to return. We both decided not to take a
>chance with the unstable weather, so we had on our
>hooded cloaks. At first I could only see a lock of
>Aveline’s dark hair, her face completely hidden. The
>closer we got to each other, the farther we walked
>from the vicinity of the Inn and past the harbour,
>past the delta of the river where it meets the sea,
>along the river bank, to stand at last in the middle
>of the Roman stone bridge – crossed once by one
>rioting army toward one of few victories in a war
>already lost in its cradle – the more secluded we
>became, the heavier fell the silence betwixt us,
>undefeated by the rare comments on the beauty of
>Nature and of the crafts of man.
>
>To my utter surprise, the vastness of the ocean seemed
>to actually exert some power over Aveline: eyes
>closed, hands on the stone wall, she let down the hood
>and raised her face toward the wind – which played
>wickedly with her hair, making it spin madly around
>her in every direction – and breathed in the salty air
>for a moment. I watched her in awe, though she seemed
>unaware of my presence for a second or two. When she
>was finally released from that state of actual trance,
>she seemed to remember that I was there. However,
>instead of acting embarrassed, she turned to me, with
>both a sigh and a smile, an expression at once
>passionate and beatific… I held my breath again and I
>am quite certain that my old heart skipped one or two
>beats. Love that remark of his old heart!
I opened my mouth to speak, but a sigh came out
>instead of a word.
>
>It was then that I realised How does he realises it? starteled, amazed, with a familiar feeling....
that our hands had met on
>the wall on of
the stone bridge, in spite of ourselves.
>She did not request her hand back, and it remained
>small and warm like a wee bird in mine. My heart now
>jumped inside my chest. What is happening? I asked
>myself, is it… is “it” really happening?
>
>Then the most extraordinary thing happened: Aveline
>took my hands in hers and kissed them. I felt the
>fleshy touch of her cherry lips, the silk of her hair
>brushing my skin, the warmth of her breath; and her
>tears. She looked at me once more, and there was love,
>and gratitude, and courage in her eyes; they spoke of
>true admiration. I kissed her hands in turn, with my
>own tears. We never said a word.
>
>And it is exactly because we have not said a word that
>I do not know to this moment what to make of it all.
>
>What can she be grateful for? What have I done for her
>that makes me worth of gratitude? I have not spawned
>the trees in the Park, or the flowers in the Gardens.
>I have not built a Chapel or carved wondrous figures
>in marble and stone. I have not summoned the river or
>the ocean from the entrails of the Earth! What have I
>done to merit her love?
>
>
>* * *
I really like this piece, especially whit this wonderous awe and not understanding what he has done do deserve this. It really sounds old fashioned, but is so full of emotion. Emotions you could hardly show an such a story so early if you had not chosen that private aproach of a diary. I wait for more.
