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susiej, 15:35:05 03/14/10 Sun
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Yes, before the restaurant scene! -- Debi, 16:09:08 03/14/10 Sun
>So this would be before the restraunt scene, right?
It is, a day or so. It give valerie some much needed peace on the subject of her ex- after the way they had last seen one another. Many many moons ago I posted a scene where he came to see her after his current wife had left him. He was drunk and it got worse from there. I'll check the redundancies and fix them up. Thanks susiej!
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Re: Line,please response. -- Lady Morilka, 07:04:43 03/29/10 Mon
>Excerpt from New Tricks, copyright 2010, Debi
>Matlack, all rights reserved. Posted for sharing and
>critique purposes only, does not constitute
>publication.
>
>************
>It was dark by the time they got to the exit onto the
>Florida Turnpike. The highway was surrounded by solid
>woods, with only the occasional glimpse of lights in
>the distance to indicate any human habitation.
>Daniel’s mind wandered, wondering what kind of fool’s
>errand he’d gotten himself into.
I stumble across the "errand" here, maybe mission or something along that line would fit better. JMHO
He couldn’t foresee
>anything really you can dut the "really" here.
positive coming out of this trip. Last
>November, when he’d dragged Ben away from Valerie, a
>little black flower of hatred had bloomed. nice image!
The
>intervening time had limited its growth, but he could
>feel it stirring again, If the growth is limited, it is still growing and thus stirring! For it to stirr AGAIN, it would have to be completly still before.
eager for another incident to
>make it grow. When he’d seen that man’s hands tangled
>in Valerie’s clothing, right before she’d landed her
>knee in her ex-husband’s crotch, Daniel could have
>murdered Ben with no regrets. The fact that he’d Not sure, wouldn't just "he had" be enough? had
>to restrain Valerie from doing that exact thing
>moments later just made him love her more. It was
>warped, but it was truth.
>
>Drawn out of his reverie by the landscape rushing by,The landscape was already rushing by before, so what made him look up, that it was faster?! needs to be more clear I think
>he took a moment to estimate their speed. Way more
>than the legal limit; by his visual calculation they
>were hovering somewhere close to ninety-five. Glancing
>over, he saw Valerie staring at the road ahead, hands
>gripping the wheel, a nameless expression of tension
>and apprehension on her face. good visual image
>
>“Sweetie?”
>
>“Hmm?”
>
>“Check your gauges.”
>
>He could I would add an "exactly" here or something along that line. Otherwise the sentense doesnt seem to say something untill you continue reading.
tell the moment she saw their speed. A quick
>intake of breath was sighed back out and her foot came
>up off the accelerator. Lights ahead announced their
>rapid approach to the Okahumpka service plaza. Valerie
>flipped the turn indicator on and they made the
>entrance, parking in an open spot near the sidewalk.
>Without a word, Valerie gathered her bag and exited
>the car, leaving the keys in the ignition.
>
>With a small smile, Daniel reached over and pulled
>them out, getting out of the passenger side to follow
>her in. A dark blue car pulled into the open space
>beside the car and the driver’s door opened. A man in
>a uniform got out and approached Daniel. Ok, here the timing is not completly clear, if the man pulls in when Daniel gets out, he would have seen that he got out of the passenger side, if he is a bit later, than how did he figure out that daniel belonged to the car he was looking for. Maybe if daniel heads over to the driverside to look the car or something like that would make the timing clear.
>
>“Is everything all right?”
>
>Daniel nodded, with small inward cringe. It was a
>Florida Highway Patrol uniform. “Yes sir.”
>
>“Were you driving just now?”
>
>“No sir, my girlfriend. She’s just gone inside.”
>
>“Were you arguing or upset?”
>
>Daniel nodded. “She’s had some bad news. We’re headed
>down to Miami to see a friend that’s ill.” You said in the explanation that they don't know that Ben has cancer, but they know he is ill? Just wondering.
>
>The officer nodded. “I’m actually on my way home, but
>when you blew past I had to check things out. She
>okay?”
>
>Daniel shrugged. “She will be.”
>
>“You are going to drive the rest of the way, correct?”
>
>“Yes sir.”
>
>The officer nodded.”Good. Though, I will have to say,
>she was doing a damned fine job of driving.” He opened
>his car door to get back in. “You folks have a nice
>night now.” Nice turn!
>
>“Thank you sir. You too.”
>
>Daniel watched him drive away with a swell of relief
>and went inside to find Valerie.
>
>She was sitting in Starbuck’s next to the window, a
>fragrant cup of coffee in front of her. She shoved her
>wallet over at him. “How much do I owe for the ticket?
>There’s a hundred dollars in there. That’s all I have.
>I’ll have to get you the rest when I get paid.”
Ok, I feel a bit of here resignation here, but maybe a glimps of here expression here would make that pharagraph stronger.
>
>He sat down and pushed her money back to her. “No
>ticket.
>Apparently he was so impressed with your driving
>skills he decided not the charge you. You don’t sully
>a work of art by asking for money.”
Sounds like the old Daniel I rememer from the begin of their relationship, I like that.
>
>She gave him a suspicious glance. “Bullshit.”
>
>He snickered. “Well, only partly. He did say he was
>impressed by your driving. He was off duty but had to
>find out what was going on after you flew by like the
>wind.”
>
>“No ticket?”
>
>“If there had been, you’d have had to produce a
>license, name rank and serial number, all that, right.”
Great whay of convincing, clear and not too many words, made it through her dark thoughts.
>
>She heaved a great sigh and shook her head. “I’m sorry
>Daniel. I just got kinda lost in my thoughts. I had no
>idea I was going that fast.”
>
>He leaned forward and kissed her forehead. “Not to
>worry. But I am under orders to drive from now on.”
>
>“No problem.”
>
>“You know, it’s still a long way to go. Why don’t we
>find someplace in Orlando to stop and rest a few
>hours?”
>
>“But I need to get down south—“
>
>“Miami will still be there tomorrow, right?”
>
>“But-“
>
>“Right?” He leaned forward and took her chin in his
>hand for a moment.
>
>She nodded with great reluctance. “Right.” Tucking her
>wallet back into her bag, she got to her feet. “Ready
>to go?”
She has coffee now, is it your purpose that she doesn't even offer some to Daniel?
>
>He rose, pulling her to him for a moment. “Ready.”
A nice little scene and a good intermezzo, for a whole chapter I think it is not long enought. But it looks like there is more to come ;)
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Thank you both! -- Debi, 12:44:41 03/30/10 Tue
I do so enjoy when these two talk to me. I will be clearing up some of those points you brought up, Lady M. Good suggestions there. I appreciate your reading it.
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Hey Debi! >>> -- Esther, 10:15:32 03/29/10 Mon
Well, I always like to see Daniel and Valerie, but I think you nailed it with this one. It started with the way Daniel came out of his musings and saw the landscape blurring by. It put me right there. And then when he said to check your gauges? That was just so Daniel the pilot coming out and I loved it. I also sensed the apprehension Valerie was experiencing and you did a great job carrying it through the whole scene, starting with the speed, the leaving the keys in the ignition and then her befuddlement with the ticket. Well done!
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Thanks Esther! -- debikm, 21:21:11 04/01/10 Thu
>Well, I always like to see Daniel and Valerie, but I
>think you nailed it with this one. It started with
>the way Daniel came out of his musings and saw the
>landscape blurring by. It put me right there. And
>then when he said to check your gauges? That was just
>so Daniel the pilot coming out and I loved it. I also
>sensed the apprehension Valerie was experiencing and
>you did a great job carrying it through the whole
>scene, starting with the speed, the leaving the keys
>in the ignition and then her befuddlement with the
>ticket. Well done!
Thanks! Daniel's not the kind to get excited and startle her and possibly cause more problems. He's almost always calm, so it seemed the best way for him to remedy their hurtling along. He's so good for Valerie, she of the hyperactive mind. I'm glad you feel I'm true to the characters. They are quite real in many ways.
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I'm working on a crit and I'll have you a reply soon! -- Debi, 12:35:39 03/16/10 Tue
I'm actually doing it offline, so I can take my time and hopefully give you a better crit instead of glancing over it because I'm pressed for time. Soon, this evening probably!
Debi
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Okay, so it's the following evening...Follow me for my thoughts! -- Debi, 19:15:59 03/17/10 Wed
As always, take was what helps and ignore the rest. I’m trying to give better crits so if it seems too picky, just smack me and tell me to get over it. ;-)
Summer, 1932
Heinrich stood awkwardly with his new Mauser shotgun. He had just seen his father, with his arms around another woman, go into the barn. Wow, talk about blatant. Can’t his wife see him if she’s looking that way? Before the barn doors closed, his father looked him right in the eye, I think you can drop that comma. Lord know I love my commas too! and grinned. Heinrich’s father had been going to show Heinrich how to shoot. It did not look like that was actually going to happen. The sentence seems a little awkward. Maybe something like “It did not seem like that was going to happen/his father was going to teach him anything/phrase of your choosing now.”
He saw his older brother, I think you can lose the “He saw his…” part and use “Wilhelm was standing on the porch smoking” or something. We know it’s Heinrich telling this story. Wilhelm, standing on the porch lighting up a cigarette. Their mother did not allow Wilhelm to smoke in the house whenever he came home. Wilhelm was in his plain working clothes today, not like yesterday when he arrived at their grandparent’s farm. So that’s where they are? Maybe you could mention that earlier, unless this is stated in a previous section we haven’t seen. He arrived in the all black uniform of a Gestapo police officer. Their mother almost had a heart attack seeing him dressed like that. Wilhelm said it was only temporary, and that he hoped to be transferred to a different unit soon.
Heinrich was glad that his older brother was home for a little while. Now, he had someone to talk to who understood him. He gripped the shotgun tighter in his hands and strode over to the porch. Heinrich watched as Wilhelm took a long pull on his cigarette and stood up When did he sit? to stretch, lifting his long arms above his head and standing on his toes. Wilhelm finished his stretch and looked down at Heinrich standing a few paces away from him.
“Will? Can you show me how to shoot?” Heinrich turned pleading eyes up to his brother’s face. Is Will a common nickname for Wilhelm in Germany? I ask because I don’t know. Will sounds so…English to me ;-)
Wilhelm took another pull of his cigarette and considered his brother. POV shift. Heinrich’s blue-gray eyes were softly pleading, much like their mother’s eyes. Wilhelm stared down at the ground, making Heinrich wait for a response. What does Heinrich do? Squirm? Shift? Hold his breath? Show us?;-)“Sure, little brother. Do you have shells with you?”
Heinrich nodded enthusiastically and showed Wilhelm the pouch of shells he had gotten with the gun.
Heinrich raced ahead to the back yard and showed Wilhelm where he had set up some old cans and bottles on a low tree stump far from the house and barns.
“Well done, Heinrich. Let’s get started.”
Heinrich blushed and followed Wilhelm to a spot fifty yards away from the tree stump. Wilhelm grabbed an old bushel basket and turned it upside down in front of Heinrich. Wilhelm knelt next to Heinrich, emptying the pouch of shells on the bucket in front of them. Wilhelm took the gun from Heinrich and opened the twin barrels for loading.
“Now, watch this Heinrich. Do you see how I am loading the shells in the barrels here? Yes? Good. Okay, next we bring the barrels back up, and make sure you hear the click as they reconnect to the stock. Then we bring the hammer back, like this. Watch how I am holding on to this. I have it tight against my
shoulder, my elbow up, and my cheek is right against the stock here. Now, cover your ears, this is going
to be a bit loud.” Show us what Heinrich is seeing, what he smells, (the sunlight on the blueing on the barrels, gun grease, sulfur from the powder?)feels. Wilhelm fired a shot at the tree stump and knocked one of the cans off.
“Wow, Will! Can I try it now?”
“Sure. Try to hold the gun like I just showed you. Yes, that’s right. Your elbow is a bit too high there. No, no it’s too low. Yes, just like that. Now, visualize your target on the stump. The sights on the gun will help guide you. Place the sights right on where you would like to hit. Okay, are you ready? The gun kicks back some, so be careful. Now, just cock it back. Good. Put your finger on the trigger and just pull it back.” Heinrich was not prepared for the jolt as the gun went off in his hands. He jerked it wildly as the force of the shell leaving the barrel drove the stock out from the grip in his shoulder to swing up and hit him in the nose with a resounding crunch.
Wilhelm heard the crunch as the stock met Heinrich’s nose. There’s that POV shift again.;-) And OUCH! Having been kicked in the face by a horse many years ago, I can sympathize! Blood gushed out in a flood. Wilhelm quickly took off his shirt, wadded it up and pressed the cloth under Heinrich’s nose, while tipping his head back. “Well, little brother, I think we need to work on your control of that gun, hmm? Come on, up you come. Let’s get you cleaned up some before Mama sees you.”
Wilhelm led Heinrich back up to the house, keeping his hand on Heinrich’s over his nose. Their mother was not to be seen in the kitchen. Wilhelm sat Heinrich up on the wooden table in the center of the kitchen and took the blood soaked shirt away from Heinrich’s nose. A small stream of blood still trickled down. His nostrils, lip and cheeks were all covered in crusting dark red blood. His nose was bent at a slight angle. “I think you broke your nose Heinrich. I’m going to set it back into place, alright? This is going to hurt.” Does Wilhelm know what he’s doing? Is Heinrich going to just sit there and let him do it? It hurts, a lot.
Heinrich let out a cry as Wilhelm put both hands on his face and put his nose back. They both heard the sickening crunch as the bones broke again. Probably cartilage, but it still sounds horrible, especially if it’s happening in your own head. Plus if it was broken, it’s going to bleed like hell for a good while. Looks like someone’s been slaughtered. Trust me on this.;-)
Their mother came bursting into the kitchen then at Heinrich’s pained cry. “What in God’s name is going
on here?” She took in the sight of the two boys, one with blood all over his hands and the other with blood smeared all over his face. And his clothes, probably in his hair, sprayed down his chest… “Heinrich! What happened o you?”
Mother rushed over to the sink to get a damp rag to wipe Heinrich’s face. As she was smoothing his blond hair across his forehead she looked over at Wilhelm, who was wiping his own hands on another cloth, and asked softly, “What happened Wilhelm?” It’s a hard habit to get away from, but such dialogue is often stronger without prompts like “asked”, “said” etc. It doesn’t always work, but I think it would do well here. Is her voice frightened, or accusatory, or something else. If Heinrich is telling this story, is he worried his big brother will get scolded for him getting hurt? Maybe it’s just me, but I like a glimpse into what the speaker is thinking or feeling as well as what they say and do.
“I was showing Heinrich how to shoot, Mama. The recoil shocked him, I think, and he got his nose with the butt of the gun,” Wilhelm said simply.
“It’s true, Mama. Will showed me how once, and then I tried.”
“Be more careful next time Heinrich. Be grateful that it isn’t your father trying to show you how. He showed Will how, and almost got him killed,” Mama scolded as she put the rags in the fire box of the stove. Shaking her head fondly at her two sons she went back out. She’s not going to fuss? Take a look at Heinrich’s wound herself? Why or why not? The evidence of a broken nose will stick with him for a week or better. He may end up with both eyes blackened as well.
“How did Papa almost get you killed?” Heinrich asked.
“Well, my shot ricocheted off a glass bottle I was shooting at and it hit me on the chest here.”Wouldn’t a glass bottle shatter? It could ricochet off what the bottle was on, though Wilhelm showed Heinrich the scar on the right side of his chest, right below his collar bone. “We were standing way too close to the target. The hole was clean, the doctor said, when he took the bullet out of me. I still have it. This is all I have. From him, anyways.” Wilhelm smiled at Heinrich, a wry twist to his lips.
“Want to practice some more? Or have you had enough excitement for one day?” Since Wilhelm was the last one to speak, this can stay with the previous paragraph, I think.
“I think I’ll stop for today, Will. I don’t know if I like shooting at all.”
Wilhelm laughed and said, “It’s a necessary thing to know, Heinrich.Why? We’ll practice some more tomorrow.”
January, 1942
Heinrich stepped off the train, hit immediately with a blast of cold air. He looked around trying to find
anything that looked vaguely familiar to him. It had been three years since he had last stood on this platform. Back then he was courageously looking forward to heading off to a glorious war. To distinguish himself valiantly on the front lines and make his brother proud of him. It was to Wilhelm that he was heading now. But Wilhelm himself was no whereone word ‘nowhere’ to be seen. Being a Kommandant of a camp probably meant that Wilhelm had sent somebody to pick him up. A young man suddenly appeared at Heinrich’s elbow.
“Herr Hauptsturmfuhrer Heinrich von Keiter?” At Heinrich’s nod, the young man continued. “Herr Kommandant sent me to bring you to the camp, sir.”
“Lead the way, then.” Heinrich said, gripping his bag more firmly and following the young man to a waiting car. Would his driver have taken the bag for him? If he outranks the driver maybe? I don’t know.
The young man opened Heinrich’s door for him and then hurried to get into the driver’s seat.
“How long will it take us to get there?” Heinrich asked as he settled into the spacious back seat.
“About three hours from here, sir.”
Well, Heinrich thought, this camp must be in the middle of nowhere for it to take three hours to get there. Heinrich took his hat off and turned so that he could look out of the window at the passing countryside. In Finland, when he had left there, everything had been covered for months with a thick layer of snow and ice and bitter cold. A bit of an awkward sentence. Maybe something like “When he’d left Finland…” He was thankful for the move south to slightly warmer temperatures.
Snow covered the rooftops of the farm houses they passed by. The snow here was lighter, easier to deal with, and Heinrich felt better being in it. It was the type of snow he had grown up with, soft and fluffy.
Two hours passed by swiftly as the car moved past snow covered forests, hills, villages and towns. Only once did they have to pull over for a convoy of trucks full of soldiers to move through. They were stopped at a checkpoint and the guards were checking Heinrich’s orders that the driver had handed them.
Off in the distance, on a bare expanse of a hill, Heinrich could see a group of people being marched at gun point by four soldiers. Heinrich couldn’t see the group of people clearly, but it looked like women, children, and maybe a couple of elderly men. The group was right at the edge of the forest when they stopped. The soldiers arranged them in a line, and then Heinrich saw the soldiers shoot them all, including the children.
Heinrich lurched out of the car suddenly. He ran to the side of the road and threw up in the ditch. One of the guards came over to him. What an awful thing to see. But having been at the front wouldn’t he have seen collateral damage from the war moving through? I understand this was deliberate execution, not people caught in their homes, but a horrific death is still a horrific death.
“Are you all right, Herr Hauptsturmfuhrer?”
Heinrich gagged and took a drink from the flask the guard offered him. Thankfully it was water and Heinrich rinsed his mouth to get the terrible taste out. Heinrich asked quietly, “Did you see what happened on the hill over there?”
“Oh, that. Just another execution. Even with all the rules and regulations, the damned Jews won’t leave unless we force them to.” So flippant. It’s frightening to think anyone could be this casual toward death.
“Even the women and children?” Heinrich asked, still bowed over in front of the ditch.
“Of course. Everyone must be gone from the towns, who are undesirables. Didn’t you know about that law?”
“I’ve been at the front for three years. We don’t hear anything about the new laws up there. Not unless it has to do with how we do things there.” Good contrast between the guard’s nonchalant attitude toward the killings and Heinrich’s shock.
“Well sir, your papers check out. You’d best be on your way.”
“Thank you.” Heinrich said as dignified as he could. He made his way back to the car and settled himself back in, not looking at the hill where the murderers were putting dirt over the bodies of the slain.
Heinrich was deeply shaken. He had, of course, in his time on the front, killed men. The killing that he had done though, was in self defense. If he had not killed the men coming at him, then he would surely have been killed instead. Killing men who were threatening to kill you first was an acceptable thing to do, to Heinrich’s way of thinking. Killing defenseless men, women and children however was completely barbaric. He always thought that women and children were not to be harmed in war and that they should be kept as far from harm as possible. Sometimes accidents occurred but you were not supposed to go out on purpose to harm women and children. He decided that he would talk to Wilhelm about it when he arrived at the camp. Okay, I see his viewpoint now. Good. I’ll shut up now ;-)
His driver did not look back at him. He just continued on his way as if nothing had happened. They were driving through open country now. Forest lined both sides of the road for as far as Heinrich could see in front of him. About twenty minutes down the road, the forest abruptly stopped. Flat, treeless land where nothing grew spread across the land on both sides. Off in the distance a long plume of fire and smoke spread into the sky above. Huge towers rose up at intervals along a fence of some sort. The fence
appeared to have three layers with the width of a man in between each layer. The buildings behind the fence were immense and made of brick. The other side of the camp appeared to have a series of low buildings in two rows of four. Probably where the prisoners were housed, Heinrich thought. Rail lines came right through the camp. A train was just pulling out. Steam bellowed out of the stack as it came to life again. Hundreds of people stood in the yard, waiting. Soldiers, prisoners? What did they look like, what were they wearing?
The car took a turn in the road and Heinrich could no longer see what was going on in the camp. The car parked in front of a large house. The driver came over and helped Heinrich out of the car. He ushered Heinrich up the front walk to the door. He knocked briskly and waited. The door “was” opened slowly by a man in a tattered suit. He urged Heinrich into the front hall.
“If you will wait here a moment, sir, the Kommandant will be with you presently.” The man bowed deeply and left Heinrich in the hall. Heinrich admitted to himself that he did not know what went on at his brother’s camp, but he could sense that whatever it was that went on behind those fences, was not anything to be proud of. He had always been sheltered from the idle gossip about the mass killings at the front and it appeared to him that he had been kept in the dark about the happenings at the camps as well. Well, now he was going to get the truth brutally shoved in his face whether he liked it or not. Heinrich only hoped that he could at least get through it. I see the lights are starting to come on for Heinrich. Poor guy. I feel for him, especially with his own brother running the show.
Heinrich put his bag down and took his coat off setting it on top of his bag. He took his hat off and put it under his arm. Heinrich then settled himself into a plain wooden chair that was set next to an equally plain table being the only furniture in the hall. He tipped the chair back onto two legs and closed his eyes.
“Well, now. Who do we have here? Looks like a bedraggled soldier from the front. He certainly can’t be my little brother.” Heinrich slowly opened his eyes to see Wilhelm standing across the little table from him.
“I’m sorry Will, I must have dozed off.” With Wilhelm outranking him, would he have had to rise and salute first, then be brothers? Some people/societies can be twitchy about proprieties.
“Never mind Heinrich. It’s wonderful to see you. Come with me.” Wilhelm left Heinrich no option but to follow him into the house.
Nice excerpt! The background helps lay the story out. Heinrich is more sympathetic in my eyes than the last time. I can better see where you’re trying to come from with him. This has the potential to become quite a compelling story and I look forward to the next installment!
Hugs,
Debi
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Great revision! >>> -- Page, 12:38:56 03/18/10 Thu
You've done a lot of work, and it shows! What a super job of making Heinrich a more sympathetic character. With this version, it's easy to identify with him and feel his confusion and the conflict inside him. Very, very nice job!
I think Debi hit the high points with her excellent crit. The only thing I'd add is to go back and count all the times you used "Heinrich," "Wilhelm," and "Will." I know it's hard to write a scene between two people of the same gender and keep them straight in the reader's head, but you've used their names an awful lot. One of the very first things I learned here at the Lit Forum is not to have the characters call each other by name very often. When people are speaking to each other, they very rarely say each other's name, so I'd suggest going back and taking out most of those in their conversations.
You've created a very compelling tale here, and one I'd like to continue reading!
Hugs,
Page
Last edited by author: Thu March 18, 2010 12:40:03
Edited 1 time.
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Thanks Page!! >>> -- Fel, 22:40:26 03/18/10 Thu
>You've done a lot of work, and it shows! What a super
>job of making Heinrich a more sympathetic character.
>With this version, it's easy to identify with him and
>feel his confusion and the conflict inside him. Very,
>very nice job!
Yea!!! I'm glad you are able to identify with him now.
>
>I think Debi hit the high points with her excellent
>crit. The only thing I'd add is to go back and count
>all the times you used "Heinrich," "Wilhelm," and
>"Will." I know it's hard to write a scene between two
>people of the same gender and keep them straight in
>the reader's head, but you've used their names an
>awful lot. One of the very first things I learned
>here at the Lit Forum is not to have the characters
>call each other by name very often. When people are
>speaking to each other, they very rarely say each
>other's name, so I'd suggest going back and taking out
>most of those in their conversations.
Okay. I'll weed out some of the names. Is it okay to leave some of them in? Or should I take most if not all of them out?
>
>You've created a very compelling tale here, and one
>I'd like to continue reading!
>
>Hugs,
>Page
Thanks bunches Page!! It really gladdens my heart to hear you say that.
Fel
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You're very welcome! >>>> -- Page, 19:12:12 03/19/10 Fri
I think you can probably remove most of the formal names in their conversation as soon as you’ve established who is doing the speaking. Of course, some will need to be left in, like when their mother sees her youngest son covered in blood. It’s only natural she’d exclaim, “Heinrich! What happened to you?” But after you’ve shown her turning to Wilhelm, she wouldn’t need to call him by name, since you’ve established she’s speaking to her older son.
The rest is a little more tricky. I mean, you can’t take out too many, or all the uses of “him,” “he,” and “his” will get confusing. But go back and see if you can’t reword some of the sentences to try to take some out. Or at least not use them at the beginning of a sentence. Like, “Heinrich nodded enthusiastically and showed Wilhelm the pouch of shells he had gotten with the gun. Heinrich raced ahead to the back yard and showed Wilhelm where he had set up some old cans and bottles on a low tree stump far from the house and barns” could be changed to “Heinrich nodded with enthusiasm and displayed the pouch of shells he had with him. Anxious to show his big brother he was serious about learning to shoot, he raced to the back yard where he’d set up some old cans and bottles on a low tree stump.”
Here are two things that really helped me. First, read it aloud. It’s hard to hear it in your head when you’re the one that’s written it, but reading it out loud will help you to hear any awkward phrases or overuse of words. Second, use the “Find” function on your word processing program to point out every time you’ve used Heinrich or Wilhelm. It helps when you can see how many times they’re used in a short time, and will give you a good idea of what sentences and passages you might need to rework.
Again, great job on this rewrite!
Hugs,
Page
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[> [> [> [> [>
Thanks Debi!!>>>>> -- Fel, 22:34:56 03/18/10 Thu
>As always, take was what helps and ignore the rest.
>I’m trying to give better crits so if it seems too
>picky, just smack me and tell me to get over it.
>;-)
Okie dokie. Can I just tell you to "Get on wi' it!" like in Monty Python and the Holy Grail??? :-P
>
>Summer, 1932
>
>
>Heinrich stood awkwardly with his new Mauser shotgun.
>He had just seen his father, with his arms around
>another woman, go into the barn. Wow, talk about
>blatant. Can’t his wife see him if she’s looking that
>way? Yup. Quite frankly I don't think he cares too much about his wife. Before the barn doors closed, his father
>looked him right in the eye, I think you can drop
>that comma. Lord know I love my commas too! If it was up to me, I'd probably end up putting a comma in every other word. and
>grinned. Heinrich’s father had been going to show
>Heinrich how to shoot. It did not look like that was
>actually going to happen. The sentence seems a
>little awkward. Maybe something like “It did not seem
>like that was going to happen/his father was going to
>teach him anything/phrase of your choosing now.”
>
> He saw his older brother, I think you can lose
>the “He saw his…” part and use “Wilhelm was standing
>on the porch smoking” or something. We know it’s
>Heinrich telling this story. Okay. Will change. Wilhelm, standing on
>the porch lighting up a cigarette. Their mother did
>not allow Wilhelm to smoke in the house whenever he
>came home. Wilhelm was in his plain working clothes
>today, not like yesterday when he arrived at their
>grandparent’s farm. So that’s where they are? Maybe
>you could mention that earlier, unless this is stated
>in a previous section we haven’t seen.
This is the first scene of the book actually. I'll see if I can fit the mention in a little sooner. He arrived
>in the all black uniform of a Gestapo police officer.
>Their mother almost had a heart attack seeing him
>dressed like that. Wilhelm said it was only temporary,
>and that he hoped to be transferred to a different
>unit soon.
>
>Heinrich was glad that his older brother was home for
>a little while. Now, he had someone to talk to who
>understood him. He gripped the shotgun tighter in his
>hands and strode over to the porch. Heinrich watched
>as Wilhelm took a long pull on his cigarette and stood
>up When did he sit? Woops! In my minds' eye I see him sitting, so I probably forgot to actually put that in. to stretch, lifting his
>long arms above his head and standing on his toes.
>Wilhelm finished his stretch and looked down at
>Heinrich standing a few paces away from him.
>
>“Will? Can you show me how to shoot?” Heinrich turned
>pleading eyes up to his brother’s face. Is Will a
>common nickname for Wilhelm in Germany? I ask because
>I don’t know. Will sounds so…English to me ;-) I'll ask my sister-in-law or ask my Mom to ask the German teacher at her school.
>
>Wilhelm took another pull of his cigarette and
>considered his brother. POV shift. Aak. I thought I was getting better at not doing that. Ah well. I fix it. Heinrich’s
>blue-gray eyes were softly pleading, much like their
>mother’s eyes. Wilhelm stared down at the ground,
>making Heinrich wait for a response. What does
>Heinrich do? Squirm? Shift? Hold his breath? Show
>us?;-) Hmm. I'm not sure what he does. I'll have to ask him. He probably did not do what I did when my Dad showed me how to shoot a couple of years ago. “Sure, little brother. Do you have shells
>with you?”
>
>Heinrich nodded enthusiastically and showed Wilhelm
>the pouch of shells he had gotten with the gun.
>Heinrich raced ahead to the back yard and showed
>Wilhelm where he had set up some old cans and bottles
>on a low tree stump far from the house and barns.
>
> “Well done, Heinrich. Let’s get started.”
>
>Heinrich blushed and followed Wilhelm to a spot fifty
>yards away from the tree stump. Wilhelm grabbed an old
>bushel basket and turned it upside down in front of
>Heinrich. Wilhelm knelt next to Heinrich, emptying the
>pouch of shells on the bucket in front of them.
>Wilhelm took the gun from Heinrich and opened the twin
>barrels for loading.
>
>“Now, watch this Heinrich. Do you see how I am loading
>the shells in the barrels here? Yes? Good. Okay, next
>we bring the barrels back up, and make sure you hear
>the click as they reconnect to the stock. Then we
>bring the hammer back, like this. Watch how I am
>holding on to this. I have it tight against my
>shoulder, my elbow up, and my cheek is right against
>the stock here. Now, cover your ears, this is going
>to be a bit loud.” Show us what Heinrich is seeing,
>what he smells, (the sunlight on the blueing on the
>barrels, gun grease, sulfur from the
>powder?)feels. Okay. Will do. Wilhelm fired a shot at the tree
>stump and knocked one of the cans off.
>
> “Wow, Will! Can I try it now?”
>
>“Sure. Try to hold the gun like I just showed you.
>Yes, that’s right. Your elbow is a bit too high there.
>No, no it’s too low. Yes, just like that. Now,
>visualize your target on the stump. The sights on the
>gun will help guide you. Place the sights right on
>where you would like to hit. Okay, are you ready? The
>gun kicks back some, so be careful. Now, just cock it
>back. Good. Put your finger on the trigger and just
>pull it back.” Heinrich was not prepared for the jolt
>as the gun went off in his hands. He jerked it wildly
>as the force of the shell leaving the barrel drove the
>stock out from the grip in his shoulder to swing up
>and hit him in the nose with a resounding crunch.
>
>Wilhelm heard the crunch as the stock met Heinrich’s
>nose. There’s that POV shift again.;-) And OUCH!
>Having been kicked in the face by a horse many years
>ago, I can sympathize! Oh pooh! Yeah, I had an immage of my brother when he came home from having surgery on his nose. He got hit with a soccer ball at really close range and it broke his nose. He couldn't breath at all through his nose and so when he had the surgery I was the lucky one who got to hand him fresh gauze every minute or two. I think he bled all day and most of the night. Yucky!! Blood gushed out in a
>flood. Wilhelm quickly took off his shirt, wadded it
>up and pressed the cloth under Heinrich’s nose, while
>tipping his head back. “Well, little brother, I think
>we need to work on your control of that gun, hmm? Come
>on, up you come. Let’s get you cleaned up some before
>Mama sees you.”
>
>Wilhelm led Heinrich back up to the house, keeping his
>hand on Heinrich’s over his nose. Their mother was not
>to be seen in the kitchen. Wilhelm sat Heinrich up on
>the wooden table in the center of the kitchen and took
>the blood soaked shirt away from Heinrich’s nose. A
>small stream of blood still trickled down. His
>nostrils, lip and cheeks were all covered in crusting
>dark red blood. His nose was bent at a slight angle.
>“I think you broke your nose Heinrich. I’m going to
>set it back into place, alright? This is going to
>hurt.” Does Wilhelm know what he’s doing? Is
>Heinrich going to just sit there and let him do it? It
>hurts, a lot. Wilhelm knows what he is doing. He's done it a couple of times at least. Heinrich trusts his brother. Rather misguidedly in my opinion, but what the heck, I'm just the author. ;-)
>
>Heinrich let out a cry as Wilhelm put both hands on
>his face and put his nose back. They both heard the
>sickening crunch as the bones broke again. Probably
>cartilage, but it still sounds horrible, especially if
>it’s happening in your own head. Plus if it was
>broken, it’s going to bleed like hell for a good
>while. Looks like someone’s been slaughtered. Trust me
>on this.;-)
>
>Their mother came bursting into the kitchen then at
>Heinrich’s pained cry. “What in God’s name is going
>on here?” She took in the sight of the two boys, one
>with blood all over his hands and the other with blood
>smeared all over his face. And his clothes,
>probably in his hair, sprayed down his chest… Good point!!
>“Heinrich! What happened o you?”
>
>Mother rushed over to the sink to get a damp rag to
>wipe Heinrich’s face. As she was smoothing his blond
>hair across his forehead she looked over at Wilhelm,
>who was wiping his own hands on another cloth, and
>asked softly, “What happened Wilhelm?” It’s a hard
>habit to get away from, but such dialogue is often
>stronger without prompts like “asked”, “said” etc. It
>doesn’t always work, but I think it would do well
>here. Is her voice frightened, or accusatory, or
>something else. If Heinrich is telling this story, is
>he worried his big brother will get scolded for him
>getting hurt? Maybe it’s just me, but I like a glimpse
>into what the speaker is thinking or feeling as well
>as what they say and do.
Okay. Got it. Thinking and feeling, coming up!
>
>“I was showing Heinrich how to shoot, Mama. The recoil
>shocked him, I think, and he got his nose with the
>butt of the gun,” Wilhelm said simply.
>
> “It’s true, Mama. Will showed me how once, and then I
>tried.”
>
>“Be more careful next time Heinrich. Be grateful that
>it isn’t your father trying to show you how. He showed
>Will how, and almost got him killed,” Mama scolded as
>she put the rags in the fire box of the stove. Shaking
>her head fondly at her two sons she went back out.
>She’s not going to fuss? Take a look at Heinrich’s
>wound herself? Why or why not? The evidence of a
>broken nose will stick with him for a week or better.
>He may end up with both eyes blackened as well.
Mama doesn't fuss for some reason. I can't figure it out, but she seems really detatched from her sons. Yes Heinrich will have two black eyes for a couple of weeks or so.
>
> “How did Papa almost get you killed?” Heinrich asked.
>
>“Well, my shot ricocheted off a glass bottle I was
>shooting at and it hit me on the chest
>here.”Wouldn’t a glass bottle shatter? It could
>ricochet off what the bottle was on, though That's true. It would shatter the bottle, but it could ricochet off of the metal tub it was standing on. Okay, I will change that right away.
>Wilhelm showed Heinrich the scar on the right side of
>his chest, right below his collar bone. “We were
>standing way too close to the target. The hole was
>clean, the doctor said, when he took the bullet out of
>me. I still have it. This is all I have. From him,
>anyways.” Wilhelm smiled at Heinrich, a wry twist to
>his lips.
>
>“Want to practice some more? Or have you had enough
>excitement for one day?” Since Wilhelm was the last
>one to speak, this can stay with the previous
>paragraph, I think.
>
>“I think I’ll stop for today, Will. I don’t know if I
>like shooting at all.”
>
>Wilhelm laughed and said, “It’s a necessary thing to
>know, Heinrich.Why? I think Wilhelm is thinking that Heinrich needs to know how to shoot if they live on the farm for any length of time. To shoot at small game and the like for food. We’ll practice some more
>tomorrow.”
>
>
> January, 1942
>
>
>Heinrich stepped off the train, hit immediately with a
>blast of cold air. He looked around trying to find
>anything that looked vaguely familiar to him. It had
>been three years since he had last stood on this
>platform. Back then he was courageously looking
>forward to heading off to a glorious war. To
>distinguish himself valiantly on the front lines and
>make his brother proud of him. It was to Wilhelm that
>he was heading now. But Wilhelm himself was no
>whereone word ‘nowhere’ to be seen. Being a
>Kommandant of a camp probably meant that Wilhelm had
>sent somebody to pick him up. A young man suddenly
>appeared at Heinrich’s elbow.
>
>“Herr Hauptsturmfuhrer Heinrich von Keiter?” At
>Heinrich’s nod, the young man continued. “Herr
>Kommandant sent me to bring you to the camp, sir.”
>
>“Lead the way, then.” Heinrich said, gripping his bag
>more firmly and following the young man to a waiting
>car. Would his driver have taken the bag for him?
>If he outranks the driver maybe? I don’t know.
Yes indeed. The driver should do that! Thanks!
>
> The young man opened Heinrich’s door for him and then
>hurried to get into the driver’s seat.
>
> “How long will it take us to get there?” Heinrich
>asked as he settled into the spacious back seat.
>
> “About three hours from here, sir.”
>
> Well, Heinrich thought, this camp must be in the
>middle of nowhere for it to take three hours to get
>there. Heinrich took his hat off and turned so that he
>could look out of the window at the passing
>countryside. In Finland, when he had left there,
>everything had been covered for months with a thick
>layer of snow and ice and bitter cold. A bit of an
>awkward sentence. Maybe something like “When he’d left
>Finland…” Okay. I'll play around with that sentence a bit. He was thankful for the move south to
>slightly warmer temperatures.
>
> Snow covered the rooftops of the farm houses they
>passed by. The snow here was lighter, easier to deal
>with, and Heinrich felt better being in it. It was the
>type of snow he had grown up with, soft and fluffy.
>
>Two hours passed by swiftly as the car moved past snow
>covered forests, hills, villages and towns. Only once
>did they have to pull over for a convoy of trucks full
>of soldiers to move through. They were stopped at a
>checkpoint and the guards were checking Heinrich’s
>orders that the driver had handed them.
>
>Off in the distance, on a bare expanse of a hill,
>Heinrich could see a group of people being marched at
>gun point by four soldiers. Heinrich couldn’t see the
>group of people clearly, but it looked like women,
>children, and maybe a couple of elderly men. The group
>was right at the edge of the forest when they stopped.
>The soldiers arranged them in a line, and then
>Heinrich saw the soldiers shoot them all, including
>the children.
>
>Heinrich lurched out of the car suddenly. He ran to
>the side of the road and threw up in the ditch. One of
>the guards came over to him. What an awful thing to
>see. But having been at the front wouldn’t he have
>seen collateral damage from the war moving through? I
>understand this was deliberate execution, not people
>caught in their homes, but a horrific death is still a
>horrific death.
Heinrich saw some horrific deaths at the front, to be sure, but I think the deaths of civillians really shocked him. He didn't see much, if any, when he was at the front of this happening.
>
>“Are you all right, Herr Hauptsturmfuhrer?”
>
>Heinrich gagged and took a drink from the flask the
>guard offered him. Thankfully it was water and
>Heinrich rinsed his mouth to get the terrible taste
>out. Heinrich asked quietly, “Did you see what
>happened on the hill over there?”
>
>“Oh, that. Just another execution. Even with all the
>rules and regulations, the damned Jews won’t leave
>unless we force them to.” So flippant. It’s
>frightening to think anyone could be this casual
>toward death.
Yeah. I know. I shocked myself when I wrote that.
>
>“Even the women and children?” Heinrich asked, still
>bowed over in front of the ditch.
>
>“Of course. Everyone must be gone from the towns, who
>are undesirables. Didn’t you know about that law?”
>
>“I’ve been at the front for three years. We don’t hear
>anything about the new laws up there. Not unless it
>has to do with how we do things there.” Good
>contrast between the guard’s nonchalant attitude
>toward the killings and Heinrich’s shock.
Thank you!
>
>“Well sir, your papers check out. You’d best be on
>your way.”
>
>“Thank you.” Heinrich said as dignified as he could.
>He made his way back to the car and settled himself
>back in, not looking at the hill where the murderers
>were putting dirt over the bodies of the slain.
>
>Heinrich was deeply shaken. He had, of course, in his
>time on the front, killed men. The killing that he
>had done though, was in self defense. If he had not
>killed the men coming at him, then he would surely
>have been killed instead. Killing men who were
>threatening to kill you first was an acceptable thing
>to do, to Heinrich’s way of thinking. Killing
>defenseless men, women and children however was
>completely barbaric. He always thought that women and
>children were not to be harmed in war and that they
>should be kept as far from harm as possible.
>Sometimes accidents occurred but you were not supposed
>to go out on purpose to harm women and children. He
>decided that he would talk to Wilhelm about it when
>he arrived at the camp. Okay, I see his viewpoint
>now. Good. I’ll shut up now ;-)
>
>His driver did not look back at him. He just continued
>on his way as if nothing had happened. They were
>driving through open country now. Forest lined both
>sides of the road for as far as Heinrich could see in
>front of him. About twenty minutes down the road, the
>forest abruptly stopped. Flat, treeless land where
>nothing grew spread across the land on both sides. Off
>in the distance a long plume of fire and smoke spread
>into the sky above. Huge towers rose up at intervals
>along a fence of some sort. The fence
>appeared to have three layers with the width of a man
>in between each layer. The buildings behind the fence
>were immense and made of brick. The other side of the
>camp appeared to have a series of low buildings in two
>rows of four. Probably where the prisoners were
>housed, Heinrich thought. Rail lines came right
>through the camp. A train was just pulling out. Steam
>bellowed out of the stack as it came to life again.
>Hundreds of people stood in the yard, waiting.
>Soldiers, prisoners? What did they look like, what
>were they wearing? Ah. These are plain clothed civilians, still in their jackets and finery, not knowing that they would be put to death in just a little bit.
>
>The car took a turn in the road and Heinrich could no
>longer see what was going on in the camp. The car
>parked in front of a large house. The driver came over
>and helped Heinrich out of the car. He ushered
>Heinrich up the front walk to the door. He knocked
>briskly and waited. The door “was” opened
>slowly by a man in a tattered suit. He urged Heinrich
>into the front hall.
>
>“If you will wait here a moment, sir, the Kommandant
>will be with you presently.” The man bowed deeply and
>left Heinrich in the hall. Heinrich admitted to
>himself that he did not know what went on at his
>brother’s camp, but he could sense that whatever it
>was that went on behind those fences, was not anything
>to be proud of. He had always been sheltered from the
>idle gossip about the mass killings at the front and
>it appeared to him that he had been kept in the dark
>about the happenings at the camps as well. Well, now
>he was going to get the truth brutally shoved in his
>face whether he liked it or not. Heinrich only hoped
>that he could at least get through it. I see the
>lights are starting to come on for Heinrich. Poor guy.
>I feel for him, especially with his own brother
>running the show. Yeah, he is realising that the stories he was told don't quite live up to the reality.
>
>Heinrich put his bag down and took his coat off
>setting it on top of his bag. He took his hat off and
>put it under his arm. Heinrich then settled himself
>into a plain wooden chair that was set next to an
>equally plain table being the only furniture in the
>hall. He tipped the chair back onto two legs and
>closed his eyes.
>
>“Well, now. Who do we have here? Looks like a
>bedraggled soldier from the front. He certainly can’t
>be my little brother.” Heinrich slowly opened his eyes
>to see Wilhelm standing across the little table from
>him.
>
>“I’m sorry Will, I must have dozed off.” With
>Wilhelm outranking him, would he have had to rise and
>salute first, then be brothers? Some people/societies
>can be twitchy about proprieties.
Since this is Wilhelm's home, I wanted him to greet Heinrich as his brother, not as his superior. When they are actually in the camp, they observe propriety.
>
> “Never mind Heinrich. It’s wonderful to see you.
>Come with me.” Wilhelm left Heinrich no option but to
>follow him into the house.
>Nice excerpt! The background helps lay the story
>out. Heinrich is more sympathetic in my eyes than the
>last time. I can better see where you’re trying to
>come from with him. This has the potential to become
>quite a compelling story and I look forward to the
>next installment!
>Hugs,
>Debi
Thank you Debi for your time on this one! At first I didn't have the shooting scene with the brothers, but then I thought, if I want to truly show Heinrich in a sympathetic light, I really needed to.
So, thanks again, and I hope to have more sometime soon!
Fel
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[> [> [>
Ok, here is a german point of view on you writing. If anything is unclear just let me know.>>> -- Lady Morilka, 06:55:54 03/30/10 Tue
>>Excerpt from Look Upon The Ash.
>>By Shauna Tevels
>>Copyright 2010. Posted for critiquing purposes only
>>and does not constitute publication.
>>
>>
>>
>>Summer, 1932
>>
>>
>>
>> Heinrich stood awkwardly with his new Mauser shotgun.
>> He had just seen his father, with his arms around
>>another woman, go into the barn. Before the barn
>>doors closed, his father looked him right in the eye,
>>and grinned. Heinrich’s father had been going to show
>>Heinrich how to shoot. It did not look like that was
>>actually going to happen.
>
>> He saw his older brother, Wilhelm, standing on the
>>porch lighting up a cigarette. Their mother did not
>>allow Wilhelm to smoke in the house whenever he came
>>home. Wilhelm was in his plain working clothes today,
>>not like yesterday when he arrived at their
>>grandparent’s farm. He arrived in the all black
>>uniform of a Gestapo police officer. Their mother
>>almost had a heart attack seeing him dressed like
>>that. Wilhelm said it was only temporary, and that he
>>hoped to be transferred to a different unit soon.
>
>> Heinrich was glad that his older brother was home for
>>a little while. Now, he had someone to talk to who
>>understood him. He gripped the shotgun tighter in his
>>hands and strode over to the porch. Heinrich watched
>>as Wilhelm took a long pull on his cigarette and stood
>>up to stretch, lifting his long arms above his head
>>and standing on his toes. Wilhelm finished his
>>stretch and looked down at Heinrich standing a few
>>paces away from him.
>
>> “Will? Can you show me how to shoot?” Heinrich The german way of shortening Wilhelm would be Willi. Will could too easiely be confuesed with "(ich) will" = "(I) want"
>>turned pleading eyes up to his brother’s face.
>
>> Wilhelm took another pull of his cigarette and
>>considered his brother. Heinrich’s blue-gray eyes
>>were softly pleading, much like their mother’s eyes.
>>Wilhelm stared down at the ground, making Heinrich
>>wait for a response. “Sure, little brother. Do you
>>have shells with you?”
>
>> Heinrich nodded enthusiastically and showed Wilhelm
>>the pouch of shells he had gotten with the gun.
>>Heinrich raced ahead to the back yard and showed
>>Wilhelm where he had set up some old cans and bottles
>>on a low tree stump far from the house and barns.
>
>> “Well done, Heinrich. Let’s get started.”
>
>> Heinrich blushed and followed Wilhelm to a spot fifty
>>yards away from the tree stump. Wilhelm grabbed an
>>old bushel basket and turned it upside down in front
>>of Heinrich. Wilhelm knelt next to Heinrich, emptying
>>the pouch of shells on the bucket in front of them. wans't Heinrich carrying the pouch? so who is emptying it here? it's a bit confusing here.
>>Wilhelm took the gun from Heinrich and opened the twin
>>barrels for loading.
>
>> “Now, watch this Heinrich. Do you see how I am
>>loading the shells in the barrels here? Yes? Good.
>>Okay, next we bring the barrels back up, and make sure
>>you hear the click as they reconnect to the stock.
>>Then we bring the hammer back, like this. Watch how I
>>am holding on to this. I have it tight against my
>>shoulder, my elbow up, and my cheek is right against
>>the stock here. Now, cover your ears, this is going
>>to be a bit loud.” Wilhelm fired a shot at the tree
>>stump and knocked one of the cans off. The switching from loading the gun to showing how to shot is not clear here.
>
>> “Wow, Will! Can I try it now?”
>
>> “Sure. Try to hold the gun like I just showed you.
>>Yes, that’s right. Your elbow is a bit too high
>>there. No, no now it’s too low. Yes, just like that.
>>Now, visualize your target on the stump. The sights
>>on the gun will help guide you. Place the sights
>>right on where you would like to hit. Okay, are you
>>ready? The gun kicks back some, so be careful. Now,
>>just cock it back. Good. Put your finger on the
>>trigger and just pull it back.” I would put a bit of space here to make it clear it is from the explanation to the actual shooting now. Heinrich was not
>>prepared for the jolt as the gun went off in his
>>hands. He jerked it wildly as the force of the shell
>>leaving the barrel drove the stock out from the grip
>>in his shoulder to swing up and hit him in the nose
>>with a resounding crunch.
>
>> Wilhelm heard the crunch as the stock met Heinrich’s
>>nose. here you have a change in the POV how do we know otherwise that he heared it? since you have the sount in the sentence before, you could just go like "Wilhelm must have heared the runch too and ..."
Blood gushed out in a flood. Wilhelm quickly
>>took off his shirt, wadded it up and pressed the cloth
>>under Heinrich’s nose, while tipping his head back.
>>“Well, little brother, I think we need to work on your
>>control of that gun, hmm? Come on, up you come. Let’s
>>get you cleaned up some before Mama sees you.”
>
>> Wilhelm led Heinrich back up to the house, keeping
>>his hand on Heinrich’s over his nose. Their mother
>>was not to be seen in the kitchen. Wilhelm sat
>>Heinrich up on the wooden table in the center of the
>>kitchen and took the blood soaked shirt away from
>>Heinrich’s nose. A small stream of blood still
>>trickled down. His nostrils, lip and cheeks were all
>>covered in crusting dark red blood. His nose was bent
>>at a slight angle. “I think you broke your nose
>>Heinrich. I’m going to set it back into place,
>>alright? This is going to hurt.”
>
>> Heinrich let out a cry as Wilhelm put both hands on
>>his face and put his nose back. They both heard the
>>sickening crunch as the bones broke again.
>
>> Their mother came bursting into the kitchen then at Ok, do I get the setting right that they are on the farm of there grandparents? cos german farmhouses in that time usually didn't have separed kitchens, those where in the big living area and just the bedrooms and maybe some workroomes were separated. If you have a lot of szenes indoors, it might be a good idea to look into german architecture at that time, because the farms where quite different than in the US.
>>Heinrich’s pained cry. “What in God’s name is going
>>on here?” She took in the sight of the two boys, one
>>with blood all over his hands and the other with blood
>>smeared all over his face. “Heinrich! What happened
>>to you?”
>
>> Mother rushed over to the sink to get a damp rag to
>>wipe Heinrich’s face. As she was smoothing his blond
>>hair across his forehead she looked over at Wilhelm,
>>who here I thought the "who" refered to Willi. was wiping his own hands on another cloth, and
>>asked softly, “What happened Wilhelm?”
>
>> “I was showing Heinrich how to shoot, Mama. The
>>recoil shocked him, I think, and he got his nose with
>>the butt of the gun,” Wilhelm said simply.
>
>> “It’s true, Mama. Will showed me how once, and then
>>I tried.”
>
>> “Be more careful next time Heinrich. Be grateful
>>that it isn’t your father trying to show you how. He
>>showed Will how, and almost got him killed,” Mama
>>scolded as she put the rags in the fire box of the
>>stove. Shaking her head fondly at her two sons she
>>went back out.
>
>> “How did Papa almost get you killed?” Heinrich asked.
>
>> “Well, my shot ricocheted off a glass bottle I was
>>shooting at and it hit me on the chest here.” Wilhelm
>>showed Heinrich the scar on the right side of his
>>chest, right below his collar bone. “We were standing
>>way too close to the target. The hole was clean, the
>>doctor said, when he took the bullet out of me. I
>>still have it. This is all I have. From him,
>>anyways.” Wilhelm smiled at Heinrich, a wry twist to
>>his lips.
>
>> “Want to practice some more? Or have you had enough
>>excitement for one day?”
>
>> “I think I’ll stop for today, Will. I don’t know if
>>I like shooting at all.”
>
>> Wilhelm laughed and said, “It’s a necessary thing to
>>know, Heinrich. We’ll practice some more tomorrow.”
>>
>>
>> January, 1942
>>
>>
>> Heinrich stepped off the train, hit immediately with
>>a blast of cold air. He looked around trying to find
>>anything that looked vaguely familiar to him. It had
>>been three years since he had last stood on this
>>platform. Back then he was courageously looking
>>forward to heading off to a glorious war. To
>>distinguish himself valiantly on the front lines and
>>make his brother proud of him. It was to Wilhelm that
>>he was heading now. But Wilhelm himself was no where
>>to be seen. Being a Kommandant of a camp probably
>>meant that Wilhelm had sent somebody to pick him up.
> A young man suddenly appeared at Heinrich’s elbow.
>
>> “Herr Hauptsturmfuhrer Heinrich von Keiter?” At
>>Heinrich’s nod, the young man continued. “Herr
>>Kommandant sent me to bring you to the camp, sir.”
>
>> “Lead the way, then.” Heinrich said, gripping his bag
>>more firmly and following the young man to a waiting
>>car.
>
>> The young man opened Heinrich’s door for him and then I would just write "..opended the door for Heinrich..." since it is the door of the car and doesn't belong to Heinrich.
>>hurried to get into the driver’s seat.
>
>> “How long will it take us to get there?” Heinrich
>>asked as he settled into the spacious back seat.
>
>> “About three hours from here, sir.”
>
>> Well, Heinrich thought, this camp must be in the
>>middle of nowhere for it to take three hours to get
>>there. Heinrich took his hat off and turned so that
>>he could look out of the window at the passing
>>countryside. In Finland, when he had left there,
>>everything had been covered for months with a thick
>>layer of snow and cut one "and" here and it flows better. JMHO ice and bitter cold. He was
>>thankful for the move south to slightly warmer
>>temperatures.
>
>> Snow covered the rooftops of the farm houses they
>>passed by. The snow here was lighter, easier to deal
>>with, and Heinrich felt better being in it. It was
>>the type of snow he had grown up with, soft and
>>fluffy.
>
>> Two hours passed by swiftly as the car moved past
>>snow covered forests, hills, villages and towns. Only
>>once did they have to pull over for a convoy of trucks
>>full of soldiers to move through. They were stopped
>>at a checkpoint and the guards were checking
>>Heinrich’s orders that the driver had handed them.
>Maybe a bit of information about the roads would be interessting especially since in germany they were one of Hitlers priorities since way before the war.
>> Off in the distance, on a bare expanse of a hill,
>>Heinrich could see a group of people being marched at
>>gun point by four soldiers. Heinrich couldn’t see the
>>group of here you can cut the "group of" since you said just befor thet the people were in a group. people clearly, but it looked like women,
>>children, and maybe a couple of elderly men. The
>>group was right at the edge of the forest when they
>>stopped. The soldiers arranged them in a line, and
>>then Heinrich saw the soldiers shoot them all,
>>including the children.
>
>> Heinrich lurched out of the car suddenly. out of the driving car? no urging the driver to stop first or so?
He ran to
>>the side of the road and threw up in the ditch. One
>>of the guards came over to him. which guards? I thought he was just with the driver?
>
>> “Are you all right, Herr Hauptsturmfuhrer?”
>
>> Heinrich gagged and took a drink from the flask the
>>guard offered him. Thankfully it was water and
>>Heinrich rinsed his mouth to get the terrible taste
>>out. Heinrich asked quietly, “Did you see what
>>happened on the hill over there?”
>
>> “Oh, that. Just another execution. Even with all
>>the rules and regulations, the damned Jews won’t leave
>>unless we force them to.” Ok, at which time of the war are you aproximatly? (I'm not good with years) because later on it wasn't only the jews that were killed.
>
>> “Even the women and children?” Heinrich asked, still
>>bowed over in front of the ditch.
>
>> “Of course. Everyone must be gone from the towns,
>>who are undesirables. Didn’t you know about that
>law?”
>
>> “I’ve been at the front for three years. We don’t
>>hear anything about the new laws up there. Not unless
>>it has to do with how we do things there.”
>
>> “Well sir, your papers check out. You’d best be on
>>your way.”
>
>> “Thank you.” Heinrich said as dignified as he could.
>>He made his way back to the car and settled himself
>>back in, not looking at the hill where the murderers
>>were putting dirt over the bodies of the slain. how does he know what the soldieres doe if he isn't looking? And if there is still snow, the groung would be too hard for them to cover the bodies.
>
>> Heinrich was deeply shaken. He had, of course, in
>>his time on the front, killed men. The killing that
>>he had done though, was in self defense. If he had
>>not killed the men coming at him, then he would surely
>>have been killed instead. Killing men who were
>>threatening to kill you first was an acceptable thing
>>to do, to Heinrich’s way of thinking. Killing
>>defenseless men, women and children however was
>>completely barbaric. He always thought that women and
>>children were not to be harmed in war and that they
>>should be kept as far from harm as possible.
>>Sometimes accidents occurred but you were not supposed
>>to go out on purpose to harm women and children. He
>>decided that he would talk to Wilhelm about it when he
>>arrived at the camp.
>
>> His driver did not look back at him. He just
>>continued on his way as if nothing had happened.
>>They were driving through open country now. Forest
>>lined both sides of the road for as far as Heinrich
>>could see in front of him. Ok, here I don't get the picture of the landscape. If a landscape is open, I don't expect forrests lining the streets.
About twenty minutes down
>>the road, the forest abruptly stopped. Flat, treeless
>>land where nothing grew spread across the land on both
>>sides. Off in the distance a long plume of fire and
>>smoke spread into the sky above. Huge towers rose up
>>at intervals along a fence of some sort. The fence
>>appeared to have three layers with the width of a man
>>in between each layer. The buildings behind the fence
>>were immense and made of brick. The other side of the
>>camp appeared to have a series of low buildings in two
>>rows of four. Probably where the prisoners were
>>housed, Heinrich thought. Rail lines came right
>>through the camp. A train was just pulling out.
>>Steam bellowed out of the stack as it came to life
>>again. Hundreds of people stood in the yard, waiting.
>>
>
>> The car took a turn in the road and Heinrich could no
>>longer see what was going on in the camp. The car
>>parked in front of a large house. A building in the camp already? If yes, maybe a sentence where they are driving through the gates, since those were usually very impressiv.
The driver came
>>over and helped Heinrich out of the car. He ushered
>>Heinrich up the front walk to the door. He knocked
>>briskly and waited. The door was opened slowly by a man
>>in a tattered suit. He urged Heinrich into the front
>>hall.
>
>> “If you will wait here a moment, sir, the Kommandant
>>will be with you presently.” The man bowed deeply and
>>left Heinrich in the hall. Heinrich admitted to
>>himself that he did not know what went on at his
>>brother’s camp, but he could sense that whatever it
>>was that went on behind those fences, was not anything
>>to be proud of. He had always been sheltered from the
>>idle gossip about the mass killings at the front and
>>it appeared to him that he had been kept in the dark
>>about the happenings at the camps as well. Well, now
>>he was going to get the truth brutally shoved in his
>>face whether he liked it or not. Heinrich only hoped
>>that he could at least get through it.
>
>> Heinrich put his bag down and took his coat off
>>setting it on top of his bag. He took his hat off and
>>put it under his arm. Heinrich then settled himself
>>into a plain wooden chair that was set next to an
>>equally plain table being the only furniture in the
>>hall. He tipped the chair back onto two legs and
>>closed his eyes.
>
>> “Well, now. Who do we have here? Looks like a
>>bedraggled soldier from the front. He certainly can’t
>>be my little brother.” Heinrich slowly opened his
>>eyes to see Wilhelm standing across the little table
>>from him.
>
>> “I’m sorry Will, I must have dozed off.”
>
>> “Never mind Heinrich. It’s wonderful to see you.
>>Come with me.” Wilhelm left Heinrich no option but to
>>follow him into the house.
Ok, you really chose a tough subject for your story, but you made me like Heinrich which is a lot more than the last try you posted. I agree with page about the use of the names. I'm interested how this story will play out. If you have any questions regarding Germany (exept for military ranks, cos I have no clue about those) just mail me. My addy is on Esthers list.
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A little late Fel, but I made it. This way please >>> -- Esther, 10:52:17 03/29/10 Mon
Well, for the purpose intended, I like it. It showed us why he idolized his brother. I think its a good start to get us to see that he is aware that all isn't what it should be and therefore, he's more open to us as a character who has to make some hard choices. I'd like to have more flesh on those bones though. Were there any sounds? Even at the distance he was at, could he hear the shot carried over? Screams from the children when they saw their parents shot? Did the sight of them being killed bring up the memory of the scent of blood? Did he question if he would be one of those enlisted with that 'duty'? And I do question where he got the sense that women and children were not supposed to be hurt in the course of war. His upbringing wouldn't suggest this honour. And being on the frontlines with men who thought like his brother would reinforce their thinking that they were superior? And, yes, I'm rambling, but wouldn't it harden him to the value of life when he took so much of it during those three years?
Hugs
Esther
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Page, 22:12:22 03/15/10 Mon
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I've no idea where this is going! *G* It just popped into my head, so now I have to figure it out. Kind of like when Jay fell for Katie and vice versa. That wasn't supposed to happen at all! I love writing; it's such an adventure! -- Page, 19:18:38 03/19/10 Fri
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I agree. Its so fun when the characters surprise you. That's what makes me such a pantzer. If I bothered to write an outline- Rose would just stomp all over it. -- susiej, 09:41:08 03/22/10 Mon
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Okay, I'll see if I can get my mind to switch as well >>> -- Esther, 11:04:36 03/29/10 Mon
Okay, first off, let me say I like Sam. My first impression is that he isn't all that he appears to be, which could be what you want. But of course, I don't believe he did it. Whatever it was. *G* So...what's the history here? How does Rhett know Sam?
I'm going to need a bit more to go on. So post more.
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Better late than never, here are my 2 cents>>> -- Lady Morilka, 08:23:20 03/30/10 Tue
>Excerpt from working title Rhett
>©2010 by Juli Page Morgan
>Posted for purposes of critique only and does not
>constitute publication
>
Ok, you drop us right in the middle of a scene as it seems. If this should be the start, I would miss a few informations.
>As she watched the truck get larger in her rearview
>mirror, Rhett realized those weren’t butterflies in
>her stomach. No, those had to be bats – big, hairy
>ones from the feel. Gravel crunched as the truck came
>to a stop behind her car, and she dropped her eyes to
>her cell phone. Thank God! Google Maps had finally
>loaded. She fixed what she hoped was an intent
>expression on her face and frowned at the tiny screen.
you give me a very good impression about hoow she feels and a bit of forebording, but the actions don't make sense to me until waaaay later.
>
>Although she’d been expecting it, the knock on her
>window still made her jump like she’d been goosed.
>Pressing a hand to her pounding heart, she turned and
>saw none other than Sammy Tarry standing next to her
>car. His censorious frown faded as he got a good look
>at her, and Rhett rolled down the window.
>
>“Sammy! Fancy meeting you here.”
>
>“Miz Davis.” Sammy looked quizzical. “What in Sam
>Hill are you doin’ out here?”
>
>Rhett managed to look sheepish. “I got lost, can you
>believe it? That’s what I get for trusting Google
>Maps. I should know better since they manage to mess
>up directions for getting out of my own driveway.”
>
>A patronizing smirk appeared on Sammy’s face. “Well
>now. I can’t imagine where you’d be headed that would
>end you up here.”
>
>The bats in Rhett’s stomach started what felt like
>synchronized dive bombing drills, and she prayed it
>didn’t show on her face. She tried to look as
>simple-minded as possible. “Oh, it’s some new
>subdivision. Lilith and Brendon are thinking about
>buying a house out there and she wanted me to run by
>and look at it. It’s something like Oak Leaf, or
>Bronze Oak. I can’t really remember.”
>
>“Bronze Leaf?”
>
>“That’s it!” Rhett smiled. “All I have is the street
>name, but I can’t get to the dad-blame subdivision to
>find it.”
>
>Sammy chuckled. “Miz Davis, you need to get one of
>those GPS trackers so you don’t keep ending up stuck
>in the boonies.” did it happen before?
>
>Rhett rolled her eyes and made a shooing gesture with
>her hand. “I wouldn’t know how to work one of those
>things, but you’re probably right. Lilith’s been
>trying to make me get one for a year now, but we’ve
>just never gotten around to it.” She held up her
>phone. “This is all I have.” She held her breath as
>Sammy peered with suspicion at the phone.
>
>His expression cleared as he saw Google Maps displayed
>on the screen. “Well, I don’t know what that thing’s
>telling you, but you missed the turnoff to Bronze Leaf
>about a mile and a half back.”
>
>“Where?” Rhett frowned. “Is there a sign?”
>
>“I dunno about a sign, but it’s Bronze Leaf Road. If
>you’re going back it’ll turn off to your right.”
>
>Rhett sighed. “Thank you, Sammy. I’m sure glad I ran
>into you. Even if this is the last place I’d want to
>do it.” Her eyes slid past him and surveyed the empty
>site. A shudder that wasn’t manufactured rippled
>through her.
>
>“No ma’am, I don’t suppose it is.” An expression of
>sympathy crossed Sammy’s face and Rhett felt bile rise
>in her throat. “Bad memories for you here. For all
>of us.” He leaned down and put his face into the car.
> “Have you been out here since…?” If he puts his face into the car, on which side is he. If it would be the driver side, he would come awfully close to rhetts head. And I guess she would shrink back, at leastI would do it even in a normal situation.
>
>“No. No, I haven’t. I just couldn’t…Well, there
>wasn’t any need to.” She shook her head. “It’s not a
>place I want to be.”
>
>“I can understand that.” Sammy nodded. “Well, like I
>said, Bronze Leaf’s ‘bout a mile and a half back that
>way on your right.”
>
>“Thank you again, Sammy. I appreciate it.” She
>started the car. “And if you ever decide to quit
>working for the city, you could get a job with Google
>Maps.”
>
>Sammy’s booming laugh sounded fake. “I’ll think about
>that, Miz Davis. You be careful now.”
>
>“I will.” Rhett gave him one last smile and put the
>car in gear. When did he take his head out of the car and stepped back? As she eased the car along the rutted
>track that led out of the site, her fingers gripped
>the steering wheel so hard her knuckles turned white.
>Oh God, oh God, oh God. If Elaine was right, that was
>the man who had orchestrated the accident that killed
>Todd and paralyzed Jack; and he’d just caught her at
>the scene of the crime.
Great little scene, with a lot of forbording and tension that isn't quite explanes yet. I would like to hear the whole of the mystery.
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